Sports Night (1998) s02e08 Episode Script
The Reunion
[ Sleigh bells jingling .]
Casey:|Just take it easy on him.
-- Casey|-- I'm saying as a friend.
Why do you think I'm gonna|go off the deep end? 'Cause that's what you do.
That's not what I do.
-- It is, and I'm|saying that you --|-- He's my brother.
-- Yes.
|-- And if I want to go off the deep end, I'll go off the deep end.
You have every right|to be upset.
Thank you, Casey.
|Thank you for granting me|that permission.
-- Do you see how you're|snapping at me?|-- Yes.
-- And I'm not|your little brother, and|I didn't just get busted?|-- Yes.
-- This is what I mean|by going off the deep end.
|-- Okay.
You see how I'm getting ready|for the show right now? Yes.
And that's what you|should be doing, too? Yes.
That's what I mean by|"Mind your own business.
" Look, Dana -- You know what?|My brother just got busted by the league for steroids, and my show not only broke, but will continue|to report the story.
I think,|under the circumstances, I'm keeping|it pretty well together.
I agree.
My concern is|the eruption that'll occur when he shows up|tomorrow night.
Let's go.
To say nothing of the staff.
What about the staff? Well, I think|they've noticed.
-- What?|-- That you're a little edgy.
-- Is that right?|-- Yeah.
-- They've noticed that?|-- Yeah.
Tell the staff|they're gonna notice|my boot in their ass if they don't give me some|room and shut the hell up.
-- Mmm, I'll pass it around.
|-- Thanks.
-- Hey.
|-- Hey.
-- I'm your secret Santa.
|-- I'm sorry? I picked your name.
|I'm your secret Santa.
It's not much|of a secret now, is it? Nope.
Cat's out of the bag.
|Tell me what you want|by the end of tomorrow.
If it's less than 50 bucks,|and they sell it within two blocks|of the building, it's yours.
You're really swept up|into the spirit of the|season, aren't you? Yeah, yeah.
Two minutes! Chris: 1A and 5|Stand by sound.
What are you doing|Christmas Eve? We've got a show|on Christmas Eve.
-- After the show.
|-- I don't know.
I'm thinking about|going to Midnight Mass.
-- Yeah?|-- Thinking about it.
Eight years of Hebrew school|weren't enough for you? I hear they put on|a good show.
The original cast, maybe, but that thing's been|running for a little while now.
I suppose.
[ Sighs .]
|[ Snaps fingers .]
|Babe Ruth.
-- We're not naming Babe Ruth|athlete of the century.
|-- Why not? -- 'Cause he wasn't.
|-- He could play.
-- He could hit.
|-- He could hit far.
-- He had to hit far 'cause you|know what he couldn't do? Run.
|-- What? -- Thank you, Alyson.
|Dave: Roll VTR.
60 seconds.
Let me toss one out here --|Babe Didrikson Zaharias.
-- Hurdles?|-- And javelin.
Who cares about hurdles? I'm saying when you add in|the javelin, though -- No.
Babe Didrikson Zaharias,|athlete of the century.
She's not athlete of|the century, Danny.
So far, she ranks second in|a list of athletes named Babe.
-- You won't come with me|to Midnight Mass?|-- No.
There'll be singing.
Dave: 30 seconds.
You still seem kind of edgy.
-- I'm not.
|-- You sure? Yes.
And before? Wasn't then, either.
-- Dana?|-- Yes? -- My asking you|if you're edgy --|-- Yes? is it making you more edgy? I'm not edgy,|so I can't be more edgy.
Okay.
Anybody know which|of these coffees is mine? They're all the same,|aren't they? No, I spit in mine.
That was a little test|to see if you're edgy.
Natalie -- And you're edgy.
Thank you.
In 32 Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell|alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories, plus [ Sleigh bells jingling .]
Hey.
How you doin'? Good.
I was wondering if you had|a chance to look at it.
Yes.
And? It's good.
That's all? It's excellent.
-- You don't know what|I'm talking about, do you?|-- No.
My reel.
[ Taps .]
Yes.
My audition tape.
Yes, Natalie, it's|very good.
You haven't watched it yet.
-- No.
I'm sorry.
|-- Dan! -- This is important to me.
|-- I know it is.
When have I not been|there for you? You've never not|been there for me, I -- -- I'm coming to|you for guidance.
|-- And guidance you will get.
-- What's goin' on?|-- Dan's a loser.
What are you in here for? -- I'm coming to him|for guidance.
|-- Okay.
You know what you want yet? Yeah, I've been|vacillating-- Name it by sundown,|or you're getting socks.
Okay.
-- She's my secret Santa.
|-- Yeah? Like something|out of a fairy-tale dream.
-- I got Jeremy.
|-- I got lsaac.
-- What are you getting him?|-- What, indeed?|See, here's my problem -- -- Casey?|-- Yeah? Know before you wade hip-deep|into this that I don't really|care what your problem is.
I'm gonna go talk to lsaac.
-- Thanks for stopping by.
|-- You bet.
[ Sleigh bells jingling .]
[ Knock on door .]
-- Yes?|-- How you doin'? Good.
I am your secret Santa.
Not much of a secret anymore.
Be that as it may,|I am gonna get you a gift|you'll like this year.
I always like|the gifts you get me.
-- No, you don't.
|-- Yes, I do.
Then how come you|never wear anything? You got me|a blender last year.
-- That was a good blender.
|-- Yeah, I know.
-- It had 12 speeds.
|-- It was a good blender.
Could have run|that thing at Le Mans.
I'm not wearing|the damn blender, Casey.
-- Yeah, but you're|not using it, either.
|-- How do you know? Well, because if you're using|it, you'd come in, you'd say, "hey, I used the blender|this weekend.
We barbecued.
" I can barbecue|in the blender? Well, next to the blender.
-- I use the blender.
|-- No, you don't.
Well, I don't|blend that much.
What do you want? -- Anything.
|-- lsaac.
Anything you get me|will be fine! That's not good enough.
A cheese grater.
What? Get me a cheese grater.
Really? Yeah, I love to grate cheese.
A lot of different kinds,|Casey, and they're not cheap.
I had no idea you had|this kind of love for, uh -- Cheese?|-- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I'm your guy.
There's no getting|around that.
Jim Thorpe.
-- Maybe.
|-- It's gotta be Jim Thorpe.
He's on the list.
-- He was the greatest|athlete in the world.
|-- We heard you.
-- You know what King Gustav V|of Sweden said to Jim Thorpe?|-- What? He said, "Sir, you are the|greatest athlete in the world.
" Thank you.
Natalie? Senor Edson Arantes|Di Nascimento -- No.
|-- Known to his friends as Pelé.
It's not gonna be Pelé.
Don't you think|before you dis my choice, -- you should do favors that|people have asked you to do?|-- I'm getting to it.
It's not gonna be Pelé.
Greatest player ever at the most|popular sport in the world.
Do you know how many times|you'd have to kill me before I'd name a soccer player|athlete of the century? Let's find out.
I'm gonna look at the tape.
-- It's important to me.
|-- I hear you.
Let's come back with some more|ideas.
Next rundown's at 6:00.
What did I miss? Jim Thorpe and Pelé.
Do you know what King Gustav V|of Sweden said about Jim Thorpe? Yeah, as a matter of fact,|we do.
Okay.
Dana? I know what to get Isaac.
What? A cheese grater.
-- Really?|-- Yeah.
Yeah, you think he's gonna|like a cheese grater? Well, in fact,|he told me he would -- with a restaurant-grade,|die-cast, stainless-steel granulating drum.
Okay.
I looked in a catalog.
[ Banging .]
Dana Leave me alone.
-- When's he getting here?|-- Later.
It's not like you don't see|this in sports all the time.
I don't see it|in my family all the time.
The guy's|a 240-pound linebacker dealing with a 350-pound|pulling guard, Dana, who's probably|also souped up.
Kyle's just trying to keep|himself in the game.
He's tr-- Don't defend him,|and don't tell me how to be.
He was part of a conspiracy|to buy steroids that God knows|what side effects and long-term damage|could cause.
He's gonna get|suspended for eight games, so there goes the postseason.
He's making|just over league minimum, and he's gonna get hit with probably a $50,000 fine, and, if the local D.
A.
|feels like running for|something next year, he could also go to jail,|to say nothing of the fact that his name|is now also synonymous with everything|that's bad about sports.
And all I'm saying is he's got enough people|telling him that right now -- papers, talk radio, agents,|lawyers, the league, his teammates, his sister's|own television show, and maybe he doesn't need|any more guests at that party.
And maybethe best role that you can play right now|is as his sister, Dana, is all I'm saying.
That, and don't be so edgy.
I'm not edgy.
|[ Scoffs .]
I'm not edgy! [ Door slams .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Glass crunching|under feet .]
Well|[ Clears throat .]
that'll need to be fixed.
[ Sleigh bells jingling .]
-- Hello.
|-- Hello.
-- I've looked at the tape.
|-- For real? Quiz me.
What's the third segment? Yankee Stadium.
What am I wearing? Red flannel Vinatelli suit|with pearl stud earrings.
How many segments|are already -- I've watched the tape.
Thank you.
I liked it.
|I was really impressed.
But? No buts -- I thought|it was really good.
You made some changes|from the old tape.
-- Yes.
|-- I liked them.
You thought it was good? I-I really did.
That really means|a lot to me, Danny.
-- I mean it.
|-- So you'll talk to Dana? -- About what?|-- Putting me in the pool.
For substitute anchor? Yeah.
Yeah.
When? -- T-This very day.
|-- Hey.
Hey, Casey.
I love you, Danny.
|You're the best.
-- Hang on.
|-- What? I thought I was the best.
Things change.
Eh.
Let me tell you about|my cheese-grater experience.
I need to talk to you.
Well, is it more important|than my cheese-grater|experience, because let me tell you -- Almost anything that|would summon the energy|for me to speak is gonna be more important|than your cheese-grater|experience.
What? So, I looked|at Natalie's reel.
And? It was fine.
-- But you told her|it was great.
|-- Yes.
-- You told her|you had no notes.
|-- Yes.
You said it was fantastic.
I bolstered her confidence.
You lied to her.
Not so much lying as I j-- -- Dan|-- It's what I do.
-- You're such a nimrod.
|-- I know.
What are you gonna do? [ Sighs deeply .]
I don't know.
[ Laughs .]
-- Secretariat|Natalie: No.
-- Why?|-- Secretariat was a horse.
Thanks for clearing that up.
He won the final leg|of the '73 Triple Crown|by 31 lengths.
He was the most successful|horse in the history of racing, and the most successful|stud as well.
Hey, if that's|gonna be the criteria,|then why don't we -- When he died,|they did an autopsy.
|You know what they found? Unless you say Jesse Owens,|you're not gonna win|this argument.
They found his heart|was twice the size|of a normal one.
Secretariat died|of an enlarged heart? No, I'm saying he had|the heart of a champion.
And I'm saying he had|the heart of a horse.
Is it possible we're going|about this all wrong? I wouldn't put it past us.
-- lnstead of athlete|of the century|-- Wait for it.
athlete of the millennium.
Athlete of the millennium.
-- Yes.
|-- You're saying we go back|to the court of Ferdinand and lsabella|and look for -- Sure.
|Ferdinand, the Aztecs, Richard the Lionheart --|Genghis Khan could bring it.
-- Anything else?|-- No.
|-- No.
|-- No.
Back in two hours.
Sir Thomas More.
-- Jeremy?|-- Yeah? Can I talk|to you for a moment? Sure.
The Plantagenets, you know,|were very tough to beat.
Okay, so, listen, so l|looked at Natalie's reel.
Yeah? And it's good,|but she wants me to recommend her to Dana|for a spot in the rotation, and, while I definitely think|she'll get there one day,|she's not there yet.
Tell her that.
-- You think?|-- Be honest.
Well, the thing is -- -- It's too late for that?|-- Yeah.
-- You got to tell her.
|This is important to her.
|-- I know.
I know.
If you don't tell her,|I'm gonna have to.
It's funny you should|bring that up.
In your dreams.
I'd like you to bear in mind|that I am your secret Santa.
-- What are you getting me?|-- I was gonna take you|to Midnight Mass.
Talk to her, Danny.
Yeahyeah.
Casey: Isaac.
Yes, sir? -- I've been shopping.
|-- I can see that.
You would be amazed at how many different kinds|of cheese graters there are.
After working with you|for 3 1/2 years, very little amazes me.
Now, I bought 12 of the best|cheese graters I could find.
I thought you could|pick the one you want, and then I'll just|give the rest to, you know, people|who need cheese graters.
Plenty of those people|around the holidays.
Yeah.
Anyway, I thought|you'd know which one was best, so if you want to just -- -- Casey?|-- Yeah? I don't know anything|about cheese graters.
Uh, what do you mean? I mean, I'm no more|qualified to pick a good -- You said you like|to grate cheese.
Well, it's not|something I hate.
Isaac, I wanted to get you|something that you wanted.
I don't like instructing|people on what to buy me.
Yeah, but then you end up|with a cheese grater.
Mmm, I love my cheese grater.
Which one? Grab that one off the top.
[ Sighs .]
A famous monk once said,|"l don't always know "what the right thing|to do is, my Lord, "but I think the fact|that I want to please you pleases you.
" But you would have|preferred a book of famous monk quotations.
No, you put|some thought into me.
What could be|a greater gift? I look like an idiot.
Added bonus.
Yeah, I suppose.
You know, there's still|plenty of time left.
I'm gonna find you|something you want.
Mm-hmm.
See you later.
Okay.
[ Groans .]
-- Hey, there.
|-- Hi.
How you doin'? -- I'm late for a rundown.
|So are you.
|-- Yeah.
Uh, did you talk to Dana yet? -- Natalie?|-- Yeah? You've got|a lot of potential.
You know your stuff, you can|write, and you look good.
-- So what's the problem?|-- You're a couple of years|away from being ready.
[ Chuckles .]
|A couple of years? Yeah, if you're lucky.
-- Dan, you|-- I was blowing you off|before.
I'm sorry.
-- A couple of years?|-- Yeah.
Why? 'Cause that's how hard it is|to make this look easy.
I once thought being a|field-goal kicker looked easy till 1 1 guys running after me demonstrated why I should|never try it again.
Are you telling me|to never try it again? No, I'm telling you|that "A" -- it wasn't|as easy as it looked, and "B" -- if I'd have|kept at it despite|early frustrations, I might have been|a field-goal kicker.
Is that what you really|wanted to do? No, I wanted to do this.
|What do you want to do? Just something more.
Then keep doing|what you're doing, 'cause you're heading|in the right direction.
Thanks, Danny.
Sure.
Ow.
-- That was for lying|to me all day.
|-- I w-- And that was for doing it|during this holiday season|of peace and joy.
Okay.
We have a meeting.
Thank you.
Melankomas -- he fought|in the year 49 A.
D.
Melankomas.
Melankomas of Caria.
|He was 53-0.
So was Jersey Joe Walcott.
Yes, but the difference|is this -- Melankomas won|all 53 of his fights without ever|throwing a punch.
He never threw a punch? He never threw a punch,|and he never got hit.
-- I don't understand.
|-- Me, neither.
-- He won 53 fights without|ever throwing a punch or|without ever getting hit?|-- Yes.
Would he just talk his way|into the opponent surrendering? Possibly.
|If that's the case, then "Sports Night"'s|certainly found its poster boy.
If he fought in 49 A.
D.
,|then he's 1,000 years too young.
Melankomas is the athlete|of the last millennium.
You see, I say he was man|enough for both millennia.
I say we go with Muhammad Ali|and be done with it.
-- Muhammad Ali!|-- Muhammad Ali!|-- Muhammad Ali! [ Telephone rings .]
Ali's great, but|I still say he wouldn't|get by Melankomas.
Not unless he, you know,|hit him once.
[ Laughter .]
What's next? -- Dana?|-- Yeah? Your brother's here.
|He's in your office.
Thank you.
|I'll be back in a minute.
[ Telephones ringing .]
I was thinking --|if you want -- you could make a tape|of my favorite songs -- you know, a party mix, something|I could play in the car.
It'd be kind of fun for you|'cause then you could go around asking people|what my favorite songs are, Iike a little|holiday detective.
Here.
Socks.
Yeah.
Excellent.
Hey.
Hey.
-- Dana, I'm --|-- Shut up.
I'm so mad at you|I could cry.
Mom and Dad|are totally freaked.
I'm gonna see them|at the end of the week.
-- Kyle|-- I'm sorry.
Do you remember the hours,|the years, the studying, the weight rooms,|the practices, the two-a-days -- You don't have to tell me|how hard it is to play pro ball, Dana.
|I play pro ball.
Who turned you on|to this stuff? -- Dana|-- I know that locker room.
-- Was it Jason?|-- Listen Was it Jason? It's not important.
What the hell kind of judge|are you of what's important? I have stood and cheered for you|since you were 10 years old, from the second|you picked up a football.
I have lived and died|with your games.
I walked around here|last Monday night strutting.
"Did you see|my brother play?" I've had to report|this idiot story|four days straight.
Do you have any idea|the kind of -- You look tired.
I'm a little tired, yeah.
[ Sniffs .]
[ Sighs .]
|You got a lot of people|mad at you.
-- Yeah.
|-- [ Sighs .]
-- Your teammates?|-- Yeah.
-- The fans?|-- Yeah.
Mom and Dad? Yeah.
I'm not done being|your big sister yet and it seems to me|that these are the moments that big sisters|get paid for, sowhat do you say I be the one person|in your life that isn't pissed|at you right now? It's gonna be okay.
You're gonna face the music, and you'll work hard|in the off-season, and you'll be back, only this time,|not quite so stupid.
[ Chuckles softly .]
Meantime I'm your sister, and I'm here|for whatever you need.
[ Chuckles .]
Come say hi to everyone.
No, no, no,|I don't think I should.
It'll be fine.
I can't face Casey and Dan.
They want to see you.
Natalie: 60 seconds live.
They sing, they dance, they pray, they tell stories.
They don't dance.
How do you know? Do they dance? -- At Midnight Mass? No.
|-- Yeah.
Tell him.
They don't dance, Danny.
All right, well,|they sing and tell stories.
Look who's here.
Hey.
How you doin'? Okay.
I'll be inside.
How you holdin' up? OhI feel like an idiot.
Welcome to my world.
You got the right lawyer? I think so.
I've --|I've never been in this -- Well, talk to me|after the show.
You should get the guy|that handled my ex-wife|in the divorce.
Yeah? Yeah, I wash his car|every Sunday.
Thanks.
Dana's a good girl.
Yep.
Dave: 30 seconds live.
I'll go back.
Dave: 15 seconds live.
Dana: Show me Denver|and sound on 40.
Denver's up.
Thanks.
Merry Christmas.
In 32 Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell|alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories,|plus the Sonics are super and the Ducks are mighty.
The children were all|tucked safe in their beds as visions of sugarplums|danced in their heads.
You're watching|a holiday edition of "Sports Night" on CSC,|so stick around.
Dave: We're out.
[ Rock music plays .]
Casey:|Just take it easy on him.
-- Casey|-- I'm saying as a friend.
Why do you think I'm gonna|go off the deep end? 'Cause that's what you do.
That's not what I do.
-- It is, and I'm|saying that you --|-- He's my brother.
-- Yes.
|-- And if I want to go off the deep end, I'll go off the deep end.
You have every right|to be upset.
Thank you, Casey.
|Thank you for granting me|that permission.
-- Do you see how you're|snapping at me?|-- Yes.
-- And I'm not|your little brother, and|I didn't just get busted?|-- Yes.
-- This is what I mean|by going off the deep end.
|-- Okay.
You see how I'm getting ready|for the show right now? Yes.
And that's what you|should be doing, too? Yes.
That's what I mean by|"Mind your own business.
" Look, Dana -- You know what?|My brother just got busted by the league for steroids, and my show not only broke, but will continue|to report the story.
I think,|under the circumstances, I'm keeping|it pretty well together.
I agree.
My concern is|the eruption that'll occur when he shows up|tomorrow night.
Let's go.
To say nothing of the staff.
What about the staff? Well, I think|they've noticed.
-- What?|-- That you're a little edgy.
-- Is that right?|-- Yeah.
-- They've noticed that?|-- Yeah.
Tell the staff|they're gonna notice|my boot in their ass if they don't give me some|room and shut the hell up.
-- Mmm, I'll pass it around.
|-- Thanks.
-- Hey.
|-- Hey.
-- I'm your secret Santa.
|-- I'm sorry? I picked your name.
|I'm your secret Santa.
It's not much|of a secret now, is it? Nope.
Cat's out of the bag.
|Tell me what you want|by the end of tomorrow.
If it's less than 50 bucks,|and they sell it within two blocks|of the building, it's yours.
You're really swept up|into the spirit of the|season, aren't you? Yeah, yeah.
Two minutes! Chris: 1A and 5|Stand by sound.
What are you doing|Christmas Eve? We've got a show|on Christmas Eve.
-- After the show.
|-- I don't know.
I'm thinking about|going to Midnight Mass.
-- Yeah?|-- Thinking about it.
Eight years of Hebrew school|weren't enough for you? I hear they put on|a good show.
The original cast, maybe, but that thing's been|running for a little while now.
I suppose.
[ Sighs .]
|[ Snaps fingers .]
|Babe Ruth.
-- We're not naming Babe Ruth|athlete of the century.
|-- Why not? -- 'Cause he wasn't.
|-- He could play.
-- He could hit.
|-- He could hit far.
-- He had to hit far 'cause you|know what he couldn't do? Run.
|-- What? -- Thank you, Alyson.
|Dave: Roll VTR.
60 seconds.
Let me toss one out here --|Babe Didrikson Zaharias.
-- Hurdles?|-- And javelin.
Who cares about hurdles? I'm saying when you add in|the javelin, though -- No.
Babe Didrikson Zaharias,|athlete of the century.
She's not athlete of|the century, Danny.
So far, she ranks second in|a list of athletes named Babe.
-- You won't come with me|to Midnight Mass?|-- No.
There'll be singing.
Dave: 30 seconds.
You still seem kind of edgy.
-- I'm not.
|-- You sure? Yes.
And before? Wasn't then, either.
-- Dana?|-- Yes? -- My asking you|if you're edgy --|-- Yes? is it making you more edgy? I'm not edgy,|so I can't be more edgy.
Okay.
Anybody know which|of these coffees is mine? They're all the same,|aren't they? No, I spit in mine.
That was a little test|to see if you're edgy.
Natalie -- And you're edgy.
Thank you.
In 32 Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell|alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories, plus [ Sleigh bells jingling .]
Hey.
How you doin'? Good.
I was wondering if you had|a chance to look at it.
Yes.
And? It's good.
That's all? It's excellent.
-- You don't know what|I'm talking about, do you?|-- No.
My reel.
[ Taps .]
Yes.
My audition tape.
Yes, Natalie, it's|very good.
You haven't watched it yet.
-- No.
I'm sorry.
|-- Dan! -- This is important to me.
|-- I know it is.
When have I not been|there for you? You've never not|been there for me, I -- -- I'm coming to|you for guidance.
|-- And guidance you will get.
-- What's goin' on?|-- Dan's a loser.
What are you in here for? -- I'm coming to him|for guidance.
|-- Okay.
You know what you want yet? Yeah, I've been|vacillating-- Name it by sundown,|or you're getting socks.
Okay.
-- She's my secret Santa.
|-- Yeah? Like something|out of a fairy-tale dream.
-- I got Jeremy.
|-- I got lsaac.
-- What are you getting him?|-- What, indeed?|See, here's my problem -- -- Casey?|-- Yeah? Know before you wade hip-deep|into this that I don't really|care what your problem is.
I'm gonna go talk to lsaac.
-- Thanks for stopping by.
|-- You bet.
[ Sleigh bells jingling .]
[ Knock on door .]
-- Yes?|-- How you doin'? Good.
I am your secret Santa.
Not much of a secret anymore.
Be that as it may,|I am gonna get you a gift|you'll like this year.
I always like|the gifts you get me.
-- No, you don't.
|-- Yes, I do.
Then how come you|never wear anything? You got me|a blender last year.
-- That was a good blender.
|-- Yeah, I know.
-- It had 12 speeds.
|-- It was a good blender.
Could have run|that thing at Le Mans.
I'm not wearing|the damn blender, Casey.
-- Yeah, but you're|not using it, either.
|-- How do you know? Well, because if you're using|it, you'd come in, you'd say, "hey, I used the blender|this weekend.
We barbecued.
" I can barbecue|in the blender? Well, next to the blender.
-- I use the blender.
|-- No, you don't.
Well, I don't|blend that much.
What do you want? -- Anything.
|-- lsaac.
Anything you get me|will be fine! That's not good enough.
A cheese grater.
What? Get me a cheese grater.
Really? Yeah, I love to grate cheese.
A lot of different kinds,|Casey, and they're not cheap.
I had no idea you had|this kind of love for, uh -- Cheese?|-- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I'm your guy.
There's no getting|around that.
Jim Thorpe.
-- Maybe.
|-- It's gotta be Jim Thorpe.
He's on the list.
-- He was the greatest|athlete in the world.
|-- We heard you.
-- You know what King Gustav V|of Sweden said to Jim Thorpe?|-- What? He said, "Sir, you are the|greatest athlete in the world.
" Thank you.
Natalie? Senor Edson Arantes|Di Nascimento -- No.
|-- Known to his friends as Pelé.
It's not gonna be Pelé.
Don't you think|before you dis my choice, -- you should do favors that|people have asked you to do?|-- I'm getting to it.
It's not gonna be Pelé.
Greatest player ever at the most|popular sport in the world.
Do you know how many times|you'd have to kill me before I'd name a soccer player|athlete of the century? Let's find out.
I'm gonna look at the tape.
-- It's important to me.
|-- I hear you.
Let's come back with some more|ideas.
Next rundown's at 6:00.
What did I miss? Jim Thorpe and Pelé.
Do you know what King Gustav V|of Sweden said about Jim Thorpe? Yeah, as a matter of fact,|we do.
Okay.
Dana? I know what to get Isaac.
What? A cheese grater.
-- Really?|-- Yeah.
Yeah, you think he's gonna|like a cheese grater? Well, in fact,|he told me he would -- with a restaurant-grade,|die-cast, stainless-steel granulating drum.
Okay.
I looked in a catalog.
[ Banging .]
Dana Leave me alone.
-- When's he getting here?|-- Later.
It's not like you don't see|this in sports all the time.
I don't see it|in my family all the time.
The guy's|a 240-pound linebacker dealing with a 350-pound|pulling guard, Dana, who's probably|also souped up.
Kyle's just trying to keep|himself in the game.
He's tr-- Don't defend him,|and don't tell me how to be.
He was part of a conspiracy|to buy steroids that God knows|what side effects and long-term damage|could cause.
He's gonna get|suspended for eight games, so there goes the postseason.
He's making|just over league minimum, and he's gonna get hit with probably a $50,000 fine, and, if the local D.
A.
|feels like running for|something next year, he could also go to jail,|to say nothing of the fact that his name|is now also synonymous with everything|that's bad about sports.
And all I'm saying is he's got enough people|telling him that right now -- papers, talk radio, agents,|lawyers, the league, his teammates, his sister's|own television show, and maybe he doesn't need|any more guests at that party.
And maybethe best role that you can play right now|is as his sister, Dana, is all I'm saying.
That, and don't be so edgy.
I'm not edgy.
|[ Scoffs .]
I'm not edgy! [ Door slams .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Glass crunching|under feet .]
Well|[ Clears throat .]
that'll need to be fixed.
[ Sleigh bells jingling .]
-- Hello.
|-- Hello.
-- I've looked at the tape.
|-- For real? Quiz me.
What's the third segment? Yankee Stadium.
What am I wearing? Red flannel Vinatelli suit|with pearl stud earrings.
How many segments|are already -- I've watched the tape.
Thank you.
I liked it.
|I was really impressed.
But? No buts -- I thought|it was really good.
You made some changes|from the old tape.
-- Yes.
|-- I liked them.
You thought it was good? I-I really did.
That really means|a lot to me, Danny.
-- I mean it.
|-- So you'll talk to Dana? -- About what?|-- Putting me in the pool.
For substitute anchor? Yeah.
Yeah.
When? -- T-This very day.
|-- Hey.
Hey, Casey.
I love you, Danny.
|You're the best.
-- Hang on.
|-- What? I thought I was the best.
Things change.
Eh.
Let me tell you about|my cheese-grater experience.
I need to talk to you.
Well, is it more important|than my cheese-grater|experience, because let me tell you -- Almost anything that|would summon the energy|for me to speak is gonna be more important|than your cheese-grater|experience.
What? So, I looked|at Natalie's reel.
And? It was fine.
-- But you told her|it was great.
|-- Yes.
-- You told her|you had no notes.
|-- Yes.
You said it was fantastic.
I bolstered her confidence.
You lied to her.
Not so much lying as I j-- -- Dan|-- It's what I do.
-- You're such a nimrod.
|-- I know.
What are you gonna do? [ Sighs deeply .]
I don't know.
[ Laughs .]
-- Secretariat|Natalie: No.
-- Why?|-- Secretariat was a horse.
Thanks for clearing that up.
He won the final leg|of the '73 Triple Crown|by 31 lengths.
He was the most successful|horse in the history of racing, and the most successful|stud as well.
Hey, if that's|gonna be the criteria,|then why don't we -- When he died,|they did an autopsy.
|You know what they found? Unless you say Jesse Owens,|you're not gonna win|this argument.
They found his heart|was twice the size|of a normal one.
Secretariat died|of an enlarged heart? No, I'm saying he had|the heart of a champion.
And I'm saying he had|the heart of a horse.
Is it possible we're going|about this all wrong? I wouldn't put it past us.
-- lnstead of athlete|of the century|-- Wait for it.
athlete of the millennium.
Athlete of the millennium.
-- Yes.
|-- You're saying we go back|to the court of Ferdinand and lsabella|and look for -- Sure.
|Ferdinand, the Aztecs, Richard the Lionheart --|Genghis Khan could bring it.
-- Anything else?|-- No.
|-- No.
|-- No.
Back in two hours.
Sir Thomas More.
-- Jeremy?|-- Yeah? Can I talk|to you for a moment? Sure.
The Plantagenets, you know,|were very tough to beat.
Okay, so, listen, so l|looked at Natalie's reel.
Yeah? And it's good,|but she wants me to recommend her to Dana|for a spot in the rotation, and, while I definitely think|she'll get there one day,|she's not there yet.
Tell her that.
-- You think?|-- Be honest.
Well, the thing is -- -- It's too late for that?|-- Yeah.
-- You got to tell her.
|This is important to her.
|-- I know.
I know.
If you don't tell her,|I'm gonna have to.
It's funny you should|bring that up.
In your dreams.
I'd like you to bear in mind|that I am your secret Santa.
-- What are you getting me?|-- I was gonna take you|to Midnight Mass.
Talk to her, Danny.
Yeahyeah.
Casey: Isaac.
Yes, sir? -- I've been shopping.
|-- I can see that.
You would be amazed at how many different kinds|of cheese graters there are.
After working with you|for 3 1/2 years, very little amazes me.
Now, I bought 12 of the best|cheese graters I could find.
I thought you could|pick the one you want, and then I'll just|give the rest to, you know, people|who need cheese graters.
Plenty of those people|around the holidays.
Yeah.
Anyway, I thought|you'd know which one was best, so if you want to just -- -- Casey?|-- Yeah? I don't know anything|about cheese graters.
Uh, what do you mean? I mean, I'm no more|qualified to pick a good -- You said you like|to grate cheese.
Well, it's not|something I hate.
Isaac, I wanted to get you|something that you wanted.
I don't like instructing|people on what to buy me.
Yeah, but then you end up|with a cheese grater.
Mmm, I love my cheese grater.
Which one? Grab that one off the top.
[ Sighs .]
A famous monk once said,|"l don't always know "what the right thing|to do is, my Lord, "but I think the fact|that I want to please you pleases you.
" But you would have|preferred a book of famous monk quotations.
No, you put|some thought into me.
What could be|a greater gift? I look like an idiot.
Added bonus.
Yeah, I suppose.
You know, there's still|plenty of time left.
I'm gonna find you|something you want.
Mm-hmm.
See you later.
Okay.
[ Groans .]
-- Hey, there.
|-- Hi.
How you doin'? -- I'm late for a rundown.
|So are you.
|-- Yeah.
Uh, did you talk to Dana yet? -- Natalie?|-- Yeah? You've got|a lot of potential.
You know your stuff, you can|write, and you look good.
-- So what's the problem?|-- You're a couple of years|away from being ready.
[ Chuckles .]
|A couple of years? Yeah, if you're lucky.
-- Dan, you|-- I was blowing you off|before.
I'm sorry.
-- A couple of years?|-- Yeah.
Why? 'Cause that's how hard it is|to make this look easy.
I once thought being a|field-goal kicker looked easy till 1 1 guys running after me demonstrated why I should|never try it again.
Are you telling me|to never try it again? No, I'm telling you|that "A" -- it wasn't|as easy as it looked, and "B" -- if I'd have|kept at it despite|early frustrations, I might have been|a field-goal kicker.
Is that what you really|wanted to do? No, I wanted to do this.
|What do you want to do? Just something more.
Then keep doing|what you're doing, 'cause you're heading|in the right direction.
Thanks, Danny.
Sure.
Ow.
-- That was for lying|to me all day.
|-- I w-- And that was for doing it|during this holiday season|of peace and joy.
Okay.
We have a meeting.
Thank you.
Melankomas -- he fought|in the year 49 A.
D.
Melankomas.
Melankomas of Caria.
|He was 53-0.
So was Jersey Joe Walcott.
Yes, but the difference|is this -- Melankomas won|all 53 of his fights without ever|throwing a punch.
He never threw a punch? He never threw a punch,|and he never got hit.
-- I don't understand.
|-- Me, neither.
-- He won 53 fights without|ever throwing a punch or|without ever getting hit?|-- Yes.
Would he just talk his way|into the opponent surrendering? Possibly.
|If that's the case, then "Sports Night"'s|certainly found its poster boy.
If he fought in 49 A.
D.
,|then he's 1,000 years too young.
Melankomas is the athlete|of the last millennium.
You see, I say he was man|enough for both millennia.
I say we go with Muhammad Ali|and be done with it.
-- Muhammad Ali!|-- Muhammad Ali!|-- Muhammad Ali! [ Telephone rings .]
Ali's great, but|I still say he wouldn't|get by Melankomas.
Not unless he, you know,|hit him once.
[ Laughter .]
What's next? -- Dana?|-- Yeah? Your brother's here.
|He's in your office.
Thank you.
|I'll be back in a minute.
[ Telephones ringing .]
I was thinking --|if you want -- you could make a tape|of my favorite songs -- you know, a party mix, something|I could play in the car.
It'd be kind of fun for you|'cause then you could go around asking people|what my favorite songs are, Iike a little|holiday detective.
Here.
Socks.
Yeah.
Excellent.
Hey.
Hey.
-- Dana, I'm --|-- Shut up.
I'm so mad at you|I could cry.
Mom and Dad|are totally freaked.
I'm gonna see them|at the end of the week.
-- Kyle|-- I'm sorry.
Do you remember the hours,|the years, the studying, the weight rooms,|the practices, the two-a-days -- You don't have to tell me|how hard it is to play pro ball, Dana.
|I play pro ball.
Who turned you on|to this stuff? -- Dana|-- I know that locker room.
-- Was it Jason?|-- Listen Was it Jason? It's not important.
What the hell kind of judge|are you of what's important? I have stood and cheered for you|since you were 10 years old, from the second|you picked up a football.
I have lived and died|with your games.
I walked around here|last Monday night strutting.
"Did you see|my brother play?" I've had to report|this idiot story|four days straight.
Do you have any idea|the kind of -- You look tired.
I'm a little tired, yeah.
[ Sniffs .]
[ Sighs .]
|You got a lot of people|mad at you.
-- Yeah.
|-- [ Sighs .]
-- Your teammates?|-- Yeah.
-- The fans?|-- Yeah.
Mom and Dad? Yeah.
I'm not done being|your big sister yet and it seems to me|that these are the moments that big sisters|get paid for, sowhat do you say I be the one person|in your life that isn't pissed|at you right now? It's gonna be okay.
You're gonna face the music, and you'll work hard|in the off-season, and you'll be back, only this time,|not quite so stupid.
[ Chuckles softly .]
Meantime I'm your sister, and I'm here|for whatever you need.
[ Chuckles .]
Come say hi to everyone.
No, no, no,|I don't think I should.
It'll be fine.
I can't face Casey and Dan.
They want to see you.
Natalie: 60 seconds live.
They sing, they dance, they pray, they tell stories.
They don't dance.
How do you know? Do they dance? -- At Midnight Mass? No.
|-- Yeah.
Tell him.
They don't dance, Danny.
All right, well,|they sing and tell stories.
Look who's here.
Hey.
How you doin'? Okay.
I'll be inside.
How you holdin' up? OhI feel like an idiot.
Welcome to my world.
You got the right lawyer? I think so.
I've --|I've never been in this -- Well, talk to me|after the show.
You should get the guy|that handled my ex-wife|in the divorce.
Yeah? Yeah, I wash his car|every Sunday.
Thanks.
Dana's a good girl.
Yep.
Dave: 30 seconds live.
I'll go back.
Dave: 15 seconds live.
Dana: Show me Denver|and sound on 40.
Denver's up.
Thanks.
Merry Christmas.
In 32 Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell|alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories,|plus the Sonics are super and the Ducks are mighty.
The children were all|tucked safe in their beds as visions of sugarplums|danced in their heads.
You're watching|a holiday edition of "Sports Night" on CSC,|so stick around.
Dave: We're out.
[ Rock music plays .]