Sports Night (1998) s02e07 Episode Script

Kyle Whitaker's Got Two Sacks

[ lndistinct voices ] Dave: Three minutes to VTR.
|Kim: Two minutes live.
Stand by 1, 2, 2A and 5.
Loading F/X-5.
Preview Denver.
Let me talk to Katie|in South Bend.
-- Sound two's standing.
|-- Denver's up.
You've got Katie.
-- Jeremy|-- Yeah? Do you have a shot sheet|for Phoenix? Should be in there.
-- It's not.
|-- Hang on.
-- I don't have a shot sheet.
|-- Hang on.
Natalie: Jeremy Could not see the Phoenix game, could not tell you about it -- without I have a shot sheet.
|Natalie: Jeremy's on it.
Corbin!|Who's seen Corbin Davis? Nobody.
Who's seen the Phoenix game?|Nobody.
Thank you for your help.
It's not like I couldn't do it|without the shot sheet.
-- Please don't start.
|Casey|-- I have video|right in front of me.
-- lt'd be the same|as calling play-by-play.
|-- Dude.
-- I could do it.
|-- No, you can't.
-- I got nervous that time.
|-- Yes, you did.
Kim: Two minutes live.
Two sacks,|my little brother got tonight.
-- Where's Philly?|-- Sacked the quarterback on "Monday Night Football"|not once, but twice.
Chris: Philly's up.
|-- That's Whitaker blood.
-- Good blood.
|-- Excellent blood --|made grown offensive linemen cry like they were|little girls.
Can I see Tampa and Minneapolis? Elliot -- Stand there.
|I'm gonna sack you.
|-- What? I just want to show you|how he does it.
-- Natalie|-- Dana, you can|sack Elliot later.
-- Tampa's up.
|-- 30 seconds to VTR.
[ Heavy-metal music plays ] -- Where's the shot sheet|on Phoenix?|-- Hey, Jeremy.
-- Where's the shot sheet?|Where is it?|-- Chill, Jeremy.
Phoenix? -- Yeah.
|-- H-Hockey? [ Music turns off ]|Guys, we watch sports|around here.
[ Door hinges creak ] -- Roll VTR.
|Kim: 60 seconds live.
I look right down there|at my highlight, call it, no shot sheet -- Iike the days of old,|my friend, -- like the men of yore.
|-- You can't do it.
-- Why not?|-- No other reason|than because it's you.
-- What of the days of old|and the men of yore?|-- I miss them, too.
We can slide Phoenix|back to the 50s, I can superspeed|the game tape through and get it|to you in the 4 block.
Are you telling me|it's not that we can't find|the shot sheet, it's that nobody did|the shot sheet? -- Slide it back to 50.
|-- Tell Dana.
-- Yeah,|I'm looking forward to that.
|-- Shot sheets are for wimps.
Fix your tie.
Dana? Hang on.
Casey, what do you know|about Ohio? Nothing.
|What's going on? Something about|football and drugs.
That's pretty unusual.
Come in early tomorrow|and work the phones.
Absolutely,|'cause you know why? 'Cause there's nothing|like a good story about professional athletes|and illegal drugs to|really capture my attention.
-- Just do it, Casey.
|-- Couldn't we just use an old|story and fill in the names? -- Casey|-- Or would that be unethical? Jeremy: Dana? -- Yes, sir?|-- I need to slide Phoenix|down to the 50s.
Stand there.
|I'm gonna sack you.
Okay, I need just another|moment of your time.
Then you can go back|to being crazy.
What's going on? -- I'm not crazy.
|-- I'm gonna put together|a shot sheet.
-- Jeremy?|-- Just say yes, Natalie.
-- You're firing him tomorrow.
|-- Can we talk about it|tomorrow? We can talk about it tomorrow,|you can plead your case|tomorrow.
I will tell you|for the 100th time|why you're wrong tomorrow, and then you will fire him|tomorrow.
I can't tell you|how much I'm looking|forward to tomorrow.
-- My brother got|two sacks tonight.
|-- I saw.
-- Tackled the quarterback|twice.
|-- I know what|the word "sack" means.
-- He did it two times.
|-- And I know what the word|"twice" means.
-- He has excellent blood.
|-- Whatever.
Casey, you got we're|sliding Phoenix to 50? I can call it blind.
All: No! No appreciation for|the days of yore.
Dave: In 32 Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell|alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories, plus Dana: Let me sack you.
|Natalie: No.
My brother can beat up|your brother.
My brother's a grad student|in comparative literature.
My mother could beat up|my brother.
-- Hey.
|-- What do you have? Jack Coughlin's wife was|brought in for questioning two days ago|when a pharmacy alerted Iocal authorities|in Columbus, Ohio, to an unusually large|number of prescriptions|being written in her name for a drug|called phentermine --|anybody know what it is? -- The "Phen" in Fen-Phen|-- That's right.
|It's a diet pill.
Is Mrs.
Coughlin overweight? -- 5'8", 1 14 pounds.
|-- Makes me crazy.
Coughlin rolled over|on the internist who's|writing the scrips.
And he turned in the players|she was getting them for.
Yeah, he was|a tough nut to crack.
The thing is, turns out|it's not just diet pills.
It's Pednasone.
Oh, man.
-- What's Pednasone?|-- Jeremy? It's been around|about a year and a half, the trade name|is Pednasone-50,|and it's andracycline, and it's one of|the world's most powerful|oral anabolic steroids.
I have an off-the-record|source backed up by a second|off-the-record source that says seven starters|from one team are about to get suspended|from football for the rest of the season,|including the playoffs.
-- Can we have it by tonight?|-- I'm on the next plane|to Ohio.
-- Get a fill-in|for Casey tonight.
|-- Get Tina.
-- Why Tina?|-- Why not Tina? -- She's a woman.
|-- I like women.
-- No kidding.
|-- Tina's fine.
I'm outta here.
-- Have a good flight.
|-- Thanks.
By the way, last night -- -- Yeah?|-- could have called|that highlight blind.
All: Go.
I'm just saying.
Dana: Anything else?|All: No.
Natalie:|Back in two hours.
-- Oh, Jerome!|-- Why do you call me that? Because it's your|little-boy name -- Iittle boy too scared|to fire one of his people.
-- Oh, you think I'm scared --|-- Scared chicken.
-- Natalie|-- How many times|does he have to screw up before you'll|show him the door? -- It's a hard job.
|-- Then let's get somebody|who can do it.
-- This isn't|a regular situation.
|-- Yes, it is.
-- He's related --|-- I know who he is.
-- Natalie --|-- I know who he is,|and I'm telling you,|he's not up to the job, on top of which,|he has a bad attitude.
-- Now go show him the door.
|-- You've taken|to bossing me around a lot.
-- You know that?|-- Yes.
You know why? -- 'Cause you're my boss?|-- Bull's-eye, Jerome.
-- Have a nice day.
|-- I almost always do.
[ Exhales deeply ] Dan.
Yeah? I'm kind of feeling|like these sessions are a waste|of your time and money.
That's being a little|hard on yourself,|don't you think? No, I'm being|a little hard on you, Dan.
Well, I don't feel|like my time is|being wasted.
Though you do charge|an awful lot of money.
-- Yes, I do.
|-- I pay you $700 a month.
-- Yes, I know.
|-- For 700 bucks a month, I should get the shrink,|two rooms, and a bath.
[ Laughs ] [ Chuckles ] [ Clears throat ] Is it important to you|that you get every attractive woman|you meet to like you? Mnh-mnh.
|It's important that I get the unattractive|ones to like me, too.
Why? -- Why?|-- Yes.
-- Why do I want people|to like me?|-- Yes.
Don't you want people|to like you? Sure.
So? So I'm a likable person, and I assume people|are gonna like me,|and many of them do.
What about the ones who don't? -- I don't really think|too much about that.
|-- Why not? 'Cause many of them do.
-- I think it's easy|for you to say that.
|-- Why? -- Why?|-- Yes.
Because you look|the way you do.
You think if you were|better-looking, you wouldn't have to|work so hard getting|women to like you? -- No.
|-- You think|you're good-looking? -- Can we talk about|something else?|-- We only have|a few minutes left.
Let's try and get|some work done.
Do you think|you're good-looking? -- I think I'm all right.
|-- Of course you do.
You can't get over how|good-looking you are.
So this thing must come from someplace|inside of you, something so fundamentally bad that you feel it must|either be overcome or covered up, Iest the entire world|run away from you, not unlike two other|people you know.
Have you noticed how|you always come back|to my parents at the end of each session? Well, the session's over.
What was the point of this? In the long run, to relieve you of the pressure|of getting people to like you.
In the short run,|to tell you this -- -- What?|-- Stop trying to get me|to like you.
-- I haven't been --|-- You've been flirting with me.
And I want you to|take this seriously.
I do take this seriously.
I wasn't flirting.
I'm a charming guy, Abby.
It's not something|I can control.
Tell me about it.
You know what I think? Next week.
I think we could end|this whole thing|right now.
-- If I just did what?|-- Told me that you liked me.
-- I know.
|-- I'd be cured right away,|next case.
Not gonna happen.
[ Sighs deeply ]|I remind you that|it is my money.
And I want you|to bear in mind that you're the patient,|I'm the doctor, and you're in pain.
I have no trouble|remembering that last part.
I'll see you next week.
Watch me|on television tonight.
Why? You'll like me.
-- See ya.
|-- That was a joke.
-- You know what?|-- What? It wasn't.
[ Door closes ] [ lndistinct voices ] -- Kim|-- Yeah? I kind of wanted|to put you on alert.
What do you mean? You know how ordinarily|I flirt with you|during the show? Yeah.
-- I won't be doing that.
|-- Okay.
-- It's not that|I don't like you.
|-- Okay.
Even more important,|it's not that I don't|want you to like me.
I do like you.
All right.
Well keep it up.
-- Alyson|-- Yeah? I won't be flirting|with you tonight.
You shouldn't be alarmed.
|It's just something|that I'm trying.
It's gonna be hard,|but I think it's important.
So here I go.
Kim: Five minutes to air.
First team|to the studio, please.
Five minutes.
He just got off the plane.
|He's on his way in|from La Guardia.
I'm saying, why doesn't|he have the names? They're gonna be faxed|to him when he gets here.
-- Tina's all set?|-- She's in hair.
Let's see if we|can get this thing|on the air tonight.
We will.
-- Oh, Jocelyn.
|-- Please stop that.
-- I'm assuming you fired him.
|-- You know what? -- What?|-- He's J.
's cousin,|so why don't we give him -- -- Jeremy,|I know he's J.
's cousin.
|-- And? -- I could honestly give a damn.
|-- Is it necessary|to go out of your way -- to pick fights|with the network?|-- No.
Is it necessary to|go out of your way|to kiss their ass? That's not what I'm doing.
-- Jeremy|-- No, I mean it.
This is their network, Natalie.
We have to work|with these people.
And the special delight|that you and Dana take in -- -- You don't know|what you're talking about.
|-- I do know|what I'm talking about.
They keep us on the|air when our ratings|don't support it, and their paychecks|don't bounce.
I consider neither of those|to be magnanimous|gestures worthy -- -- I didn't --|-- worthy of keeping|somebody on who very nearly cost us|the show last night.
Cost us the show?|It was a hockey game.
He screwed up.
|It wasn't the first time.
His attitude sucks,|and I don't care if his|cousin's Thomas Edison.
Get him outta here.
-- I'll do it during|the first C-break.
|-- Thank you.
Dana, stop sacking Dave.
See, you keep your|center of gravity low|and your feet moving.
Dana -- Can I sit down?|-- [ Panting ] Okay.
Stand by 5.
Loading 5, F/X 1, 2, and 2A.
What? I'm gonna do it|in the commercial.
Dave: In 32 Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell|alongside Tina Lake Sitting in for Casey McCall.
Those stories, plus|"Hello, Dolly!" As the Heisman race|heats up And "Goodbye, Columbus" as the Buckeyes|take a beating.
All that coming up after this.
You're experiencing|"Sports Night" on CSC,|so stick around.
Dave: We're out.
[ Telephone ringing ] [ Sighs ] That was nice.
-- "Experiencing"?|-- Yeah.
You didn't mind|that I changed it? No.
I'm just trying|to plant my flag.
Listen Yeah.
I'm not gonna|flirt with you tonight.
-- Really?|-- Yeah.
-- Ordinarily,|I'd flirt with you.
|-- I like it.
I appreciate that,|but tonight it's not|gonna happen that much, and I didn't want you|to get the wrong idea.
That you don't like me? Not so much that as that I don't|want you to like me.
-- I do like you.
|-- I appreciate it.
I-I like you, too.
Are you okay? Not even close.
[ lndistinct shouting on TV ] -- Corbin|-- Hey.
-- You got a second?|-- Yeah.
[ Clears throat ] Listen, here's the thing.
You've been falling down|on the job.
Everybody screws up|a little at first, but I get the feeling you|don't even want this job.
I don't.
Why are you here? Um, it puts pizza money|in my pocket till|I get out of school.
Well, that notwithstanding, I'm supposed to fire you|right now, but I'm not.
I want you to|try harder, though.
I'll smooth things over|with Natalie.
Hey, I'm on the team.
And I don't take sides.
What do you mean? I-I mean when J.
says|stuff about you guys, I don't, you know,|I don't come back with stuff.
What kind of stuff? Uh, the usual stuff.
I-I don't know what that is.
Don't worry about it.
-- Take it easy.
|-- You'll work harder? Hey, I blew the thing|last night, all right? Enough is enough.
All right.
Tina:pass from|teammate John Picasso and splits the defenders,|leaving goalie -- Hey, I'm back.
|-- When are you gonna get|the names? Uh, any minute.
|I'm gonna go stake out|the fax machine right now.
Whoa, whoa!|Give 'em up! They only gave you one? Thank you.
Honey roasted peanuts.
-- You can buy 'em|in the store, you know.
|-- This is better.
-- Hi.
|-- Did you do it? Do you have a second? Do I have a second? Yes.
Don't eat the peanuts.
Stand by 22.
[ Clears throat ] Did you do it? -- Did I fire him? Yes.
|-- Yes.
-- I did it.
|-- Good.
But not really.
Put a pair of tights|and a party dress on you, you're one pretty little girl.
As a matter of fact,|you're wrong.
As a matter of fact,|I happen to be the only person here who|isn't acting emotionally.
I'm the one who's|saying, "Yes, "they're bullies, and|we've never gotten along.
"And the lines were drawn|long before I got here.
"But for the sake of|self-preservation, why not try to make it work?" I'm throwing them one.
I'm saying, let's|let this one thing|not be a hassle.
[ Sighs ] What did he say|when you talked to him? -- He said he'd try harder.
|-- Did he? -- Yes.
|-- Really? Those weren't his exact words.
-- What were his exact wor--|-- "Get off my back.
" That's not me saying that.
I'm saying those were|his exact words.
He's your responsibility,|Jeremy.
Do what you want.
He screws up again,|it's my responsibility.
Got it.
-- Jeremy?|-- Yep? Being emotional about their|work never killed anybody.
-- My point was --|-- I know what your point was.
I'm loyal to lsaac,|I'm loyal to Dana, and|I'm loyal to the show.
And I am, too.
Tina: And we'll be bringing|you all of the action Iive from Watkins Glen|lnternational Motor Speedway this Saturday at 1 :00,|1 0:00 Pacific.
Don't go away.
|Tina and I've got|lots more coming up, including news|from the lndiana Pacers.
You're watching|"Sports Night" on CSC,|so stick around.
Dave: We're out.
Kim: 2 minutes back.
It's going well.
You don't think|it's going well? I do.
Really? Yeah.
Danny -- I think it's going very well, but rather than|[ lnhales deeply ] you know, banter|with you about it, I'll just leave it at that.
Dan, it's -- it's not|like if you chat with me, I'm gonna go home with you.
Why not? -- What?|-- Never mind.
Dan, you're having|a bad night.
But could we just|chalk it up to that and not, you know,|come to some general conclusion about me|as a result of it? I hardly ever understand|what you're saying.
I've gotten that before.
Try and keep it|together, huh? Sure.
[ Exhales deeply ] She's doing well.
What's wrong? She thinks I'm crazy.
-- You are crazy.
|-- You're not helping.
I wasn't trying to.
Abby thinks my flirting|is unhealthy.
Who's Abby? -- My therapist.
|Are you paying attention?|-- No.
The thing is,|she may have a point.
Who? Abby.
-- Danny|-- Yeah? -- You're not flirting|with me right now, right?|-- No.
-- Good.
|-- I'm saying that -- -- 'Cause that'd|just be strange.
|-- I know.
Not that I wouldn't|be flattered -- Sure.
|-- but it'd still be weird.
-- I hear ya.
|-- Though I'll say this -- you are a handsome|young man, Danny.
Will you stop it? [ Laughs ] What exactly is your problem? I'd like to, you know, get my reputation back|with Tina as a fun and desirable person.
-- I bet that's gonna go well.
|-- You think so? Oh, yeah.
Hey, Jeremy.
You know, our show's|actually on right now.
-- Uh, we just switched it|for a second.
|-- I stuck up for you.
|Everything's cool.
I just want to know|you're really gonna|make an effort.
-- I will.
|-- I put myself on the line|for you.
I'll tell that to J.
Tell whomever you want,|but do a better job|around here.
[ lndistinct shouting on TV ] What were the things he said? -- Who?|-- J.
-- about the show -- what were the things|he's been saying? Stuff.
Does he talk badly|about lsaac or Dana? Everyone, I guess.
Me? -- Come on, man.
|-- Never mind.
Just get back to work.
Oh, he says Natalie's|a nice piece of tail.
Everyone but Corbin, get out.
You're fired.
I'm firing you.
Tell J.
I'm the one|who did it.
[ Door opens ] [ lndistinct voices ] You know what'd|make this a lot easier? What a lot easier? For me being alive right now.
What? If you'd just reassure me that you had a good time|being here tonight.
I'm being paid to be here.
I know, but you're gonna|tell your friends that|you liked it, right? -- My friends?|-- The girls.
Which girls? The girls in Danny's world|of fantasy and psychosis.
Dan[ Laughs ] you -- you need to get|into therapy.
I'm in therapy.
You need more.
I'm not so sure|how much more I can take.
Dana: Dan?|-- Yeah.
Casey's getting the fax|right now.
The story's gonna be|up on the prompter.
Just fill in the names.
Is it exclusive? The Ohio trip paid off.
[ lndistinct voices ] [ Telephones ringing ] [ Distant laughter ] Can I ask you something? -- Is it creepy?|-- No.
Go ahead.
Don't you think|my obsessive need|to get you to like me has less to do with my parents and more to do with the fact|thatyou look good? Or is that what|you meant by "creepy"? Yeah.
I'm gonna stay over here.
You got it! -- Yeah.
Listen --|-- Here it is, Dan.
-- Dana, Dana|-- Hang on, hang on.
Um, "Tommy Reed "Clifton White Zachary Armstrong" -- Dana? Dana, that's only three.
I'm gonna call my parents.
Go ahead.
Dana? It's her brother, Danny -- Kyle Whitaker.
"Kyle Whitaker,|Orlando Cortez, Corey MacRane, Warren Green.
" Hey, Mom, it's me.
|[ Chuckles nervously ] Listen, turn off|your television.
In 32 Welcome back.
|We've got breaking news.
Sources are reporting to CSC that league officials|are questioning seven players in connection with drug charges|which if prouve true could lead|to long-term suspensions and possible|criminal proceedings.
The athletes|are listed as suspects in an ongoing investigation|into distribution of a controversial|anabolic steroid called Pednasone-50, which is on the league list|of banned substances.
The players' union|today denied any knowledge of|the inquiry, but added that they were monitoring|the situation closely On the next "Sports Night" You know what?|My brother just got busted|by the league for steroids.
It's not like you don't see this|in sports all the time.
I don't see it in my family|all the time.
-- I've looked at the tape.
|-- You thought it was good? -- I liked it.
|-- You lied to her.
-- Who turned you|on to this stuff?|-- It's not important.
What the hell kind of judge|are you of what's important? My asking if you're edgy -- -- Yes?|-- is it making you more edgy? [ Glass shatters ] That'll need to be fixed.