Sports Night (1998) s02e06 Episode Script

Shane

Previously on "Sports Night" I have a younger brother|named Sam.
Sam's a genius.
I mean literally.
He's energetic and articulate,|curious and funny, and there's no doubt that|he'd be living a great life|right now, except for that he's dead.
Abby Jacobs.
|And this is my card.
You should call me, Dan.
She gave me this.
-- Her card.
|-- The digits.
So she's a shrink.
So why doesn't|your father like you? What? I remember him being|pretty shy.
Your brother? Sam.
I have an older brother, too,|named David.
But Sam's the one|who was killed.
Yeah.
-- And what about the cafeteria?|-- What? You were talking|about the cafeteria and about how, after Sam,|you got nervous with people.
Yeah.
What were you saying|about the cafeteria? Just that I would walk up|to a tablein the cafeteria, and these would be|people I liked, and I'd be good|for two or three minutes|before I'd have to leave.
My friends called me|hit-and-run Danny.
What would happen|after you left the table? -- After I left?|-- Yeah.
Nothing.
-- Nothing?|-- Yeah.
You sure? Sometimes I'd go|to another table.
I noticed you do that|on the telephone, too.
I'm not that good on the phone.
You're not that good|on the phone, you're not|that good at the table.
|Where are you good? I'm good on television.
I'll say.
-- Did you watch|the show tonight?|-- Yeah.
-- Did you like it?|-- Yes.
-- I've won awards, you know.
|-- Yeah? Yeah -- Well, no, I mean,|but I've been nominated|for them.
I'm sure you'll win one.
-- So you liked it?|-- Yes.
Yet you're not saying|that you liked it.
I just did.
Not really.
In fact, I've said it|three times.
You look great tonight.
Thank you.
-- You're beautiful|and charming.
|-- Thank you.
-- Now, you see how I said that|without being solicited?|-- Yes.
Want another drink? How are you being|hit-and-run Danny right now? Jeremy, did I mention my "Close-Up" interview|tomorrow? Several times.
Mr.
Shane McArnold, Jeremy.
|Mr.
Shane McArnold.
He's a twit.
Hey, excuse me,|you weren't just talking about Mr.
Shane McArnold,|were you? Yes.
How about a lifetime|.
303 batting average? How about 348 home runs? How 'bout back-to-back|30/30 seasons? How about the fact|that he's a twit? He happens to be|a friend of mine.
He also happens to be|atwit.
-- I'm not talking|to you right now.
|-- You were looking at me.
That's because|I was talking to you before, but now, right now, I'm shifting|my focus to Natalie.
-- Okay.
|-- Natalie -- Did anybody see this?|-- Tomorrow's "Close-Up"|interview? -- Did anybody see this|in the paper?|-- What?|-- What? -- The Vatican says|there's no such place as Hell.
|-- Really? "Hell is not a place|but a state.
" -- There's no Hell?|-- No Hell.
Well, that's a load off my mind.
I shouldn't be here|with you people.
So this is a date? This is a drink.
I'll take it.
-- What would happen|when you left the table?|-- What do you mean? After two or three minutes,|what would happen after|you left the table? Nothing.
Wouldn't you shake sometimes? Sometimes.
-- And you'd start to sweat?|-- I thought this wasn't|a therapy session.
And sometimes, Danny,|wouldn't you have to go|someplace and throw up? Yeah.
And there's no reason to talk|in the past tense, right? I mean, it still happens today.
Yeah.
And recently,|it's been worse, right? How do you know all this? Danny, you have to get hip|to the fact I didn't get my license|in the Virgin lslands.
-- Thanks for the drinks.
|-- You're leaving? I have an early day tomorrow.
Can I take you home? I'll get a cab out front.
|I'm just gonna grab my coat.
Casey: Remember,|this isn't live, it's on tape, so if you have a coughing attack or you need to use|the restroom -- It's good to see you, Casey.
It's great to see you, Shane.
You know, now that I'm in town, we should hook up.
Yeah, absolutely.
|That's amazing.
|That's what I was -- Hey, Jeremy, Shane McArnold|just asked me out.
He's a twit.
Ah, he says|he's your number-one fan.
-- Thanks.
|-- You bet.
Let's do it.
-- Here we go.
|Dave: Roll tape.
-- Rolling.
|-- Speeding.
Sound speed.
This is Shane McArnold|interview for "CSC Close-Up,"|1 1/1 7/99.
Shane, after 1 1 years|with the Kansas City Royals, you opted for free agency|and signed with|the New York Yankees.
Let me be the first to say|welcome to town.
|How do you feel? Whoa, tough one from Casey.
-- Why is everyone|just accepting this?|-- Accepting what? There's no such place as Hell? -- When did that happen?|-- Yesterday in the paper.
-- There's no such place|as Hell?|-- No such place.
Cool.
Hell, they now say,|is a state of being and not the fiery pit|of torment depicted in books|and paintings, to say nothing of the sisters|who used to beat me at our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow|Elementary School.
They beat you? -- Well,|they yelled at me a lot.
|-- Why? So I wouldn't go to Hell,|Jeremy! It doesn't sound like|you were taught by|the world's happiest nuns.
-- This is huge.
|-- I guess the|"Perpetual Sorrow" should have|been a giveaway.
-- You guys listening to this?|-- Listening to what? Um, the interview|you're producing.
-- Ha! Good one, Dana.
|-- You didn't hear|what he just said? I'm producing this segment.
|My contract doesn't say anything|about my having to pay attention|to it.
He just said|he doesn't like New York.
Give me more volume.
I'm glad to be playing|for a contender -- This city is a pigsty -- the garbage, the noise,|the traffic, the muggings -- Ask him if he's seen|"The Lion King" yet.
This is too much.
|Casey, throw him a rope.
Don't throw him a rope, Casey.
And you guys speak, like, what,|1 4 different languages|or something? But still, you gotta be excited|about playing at the stadium,|huh? [ Exhales sharply ]|He threw him a rope.
Not really.
He's wrapping it|around his neck.
I am in such a good mood|right now.
Shane McArnold, newest member|of the New York Yankees.
Thanks for talking to us today.
I'm Casey McCall|for "Close-Up" on CSC.
And cut.
[ lndistinct conversations ] -- Hey, I thought|that was pretty good.
|-- Yeah.
You didn't like it? -- Well, no,|l-I thought it was great.
|-- But what? Well, I'm just not sure|that the, uh, first thing I'd do after coming to a new town|is to insult everyone.
Who did I insult? Umwell, everyone.
-- I didn't insult everyone.
|-- You kind of did.
-- You mean everyone|in New York?|-- Yeah.
-- Well|-- We got a bit|of a population here.
Hey, I hear New Yorkers|say that stuff all the time.
[ Sighs ]|You ever heard the expression|"Nobody hits my little brother|but me"? -- No.
|-- Okay, well, it's --|it's an expression.
-- What does it mean?|-- It doesn't matter.
|I'll fix it.
-- Yeah?|-- I'll edit the tape.
-- You'd do that for me?|-- No problem.
You're the best, Casey.
-- I don't know if I'd say that.
|I'd say I'm among the best.
|-- Whatever, man.
We're gonna hook up tonight? -- Yeah, I'll call you.
|-- We'll hook up? Oh, yeah, yeah,|we are gonna throw down.
-- You'll edit the tape?|-- Yeah, I'll just see Dana.
-- Dude.
|-- Dude.
Later.
-- [ Snaps fingers ]|At you.
|-- [ Chuckles ] [ Sighs ] I gotta go see Dana.
# I used to think|maybe you love me # # now, baby, I'm sure # the garbage, the noise -- # And I just can't wait|till the day #|-- Hey.
-- # when you knock on my door #|-- What's up?! -- How you doin'?|-- I'm giddy as a schoolgirl,|Casey.
I'm a cat with kittens.
-- # Now every time I go for #|-- Pretty happy|with the interview? -- # the mailbox #|-- This is found gold,|my friend, -- # gotta hold myself down #|-- and who's got it besides us? Hmmnobody! -- # 'Cause I just can't wait|till you write me #|-- And your, uh, little dance? -- # You're comin' around #|-- My dance of joy.
|-- Ah.
[ Laughs ]|Let's watch it again.
Say, I was thinking --|how would you feel -- # I'm walkin' on sunshine #|-- about my editing out the part|where he doesn't like New York? # Whoa #|# I'm walkin' on sunshine # # Whoa #|-- You've, uh, stopped|your dance of joy.
-- # I'm walkin' on sunshine #|-- Is the tape damaged?|-- No.
-- # Whoa #|-- Is your brain on fire?|-- No.
-- # And don't it feel good? #|-- Then what the hell|are you talking about?|-- I know the guy.
-- # Hey! All right, now #|-- No.
Nope.
|-- We go back.
-- # And don't it feel good? #|-- He screwed up.
|-- Nope.
-- # Hey! Yeah #|-- We're throwing down tonight.
No.
-- # I used to think|maybe you love me #|-- Dana|-- You see what I'm doing now? -- # now I know that it's true #|-- Your, uh, dance of joy.
|-- My dance of joy.
Okey-doke.
# And I don't want to spend|my whole life # # just a-waitin' for you # # Now, don't want # -- You ready?|-- Yeah.
[ Clears throat ] This is teaser record|for VTR playback, 1 1/1 7/99.
In 32 Tonight on "Sports Night,"|we'll check out Herman Moore|and the Lions' new-look offense and Rob Blake and the Kings'|old-school defense.
We'll go back to the future|at Florida State and touch down in Monte Carlo,|as Yegevny Kafelnikov -- -- Cut.
|-- What? -- You said, "Yegevny.
"|-- I did? -- It's Yevgeny.
|-- I know.
-- You said "Yegevny.
"|-- Let's do it again.
-- You inverted two syllables.
|-- Roll tape.
In 32 Tonight on "Sports Night,"|we'll check out Herman Moore|and the Lions' new-look offense and Rob Blake and the Kings'|old-school defense.
We'll go back to the future|at Florida State and touch down in Monte Carlo|as Yegevny Kafelnikov -- -- I did it again.
|-- Yes.
I said "Yegevny"|instead of Yevgeny.
-- We could change the tease.
|-- What do you mean? -- Make it about Pete Sampras.
|-- I can do this.
-- Rafter's an easy name|to pronounce.
|-- Roll tape.
Danny -- I'm just in the middle --|-- One second.
I'm in a spot of trouble.
Me too.
McArnold committed|a bit of a Big Apple faux pas,|and Dana won't let me cut it.
I'm undergoing|some kind of nervous collapse.
All right, so we're probably|on our own today.
-- Yeah.
|-- See ya.
This is "Sports Night"|teaser record for VTR playback,|1 1/1 7/99.
Let's call it Take 5.
Let's "call it" Take 5? -- Why not?|-- What take is it really? We're up in the 30s now.
Roll tape.
In 32 Tonight on "Sports Night,"|we'll check out Herman Moore|and the Lions' new-look offense and Rob Blake and the Kings'|old-school defense.
We'll go back to the future|at Florida State and touch down in Monte Carlo|as Yevgeny Kafelnikov|goes for the gold.
Stay tuned for "Sports Night,"|next.
-- Okay.
|-- I did it! -- Yes!|-- Did it, baby! Yes! Let's roll tape now.
What? Let's do it again, only|this time, let's record it.
We weren't recording it? No.
-- I thought we were rolling.
|-- We weren't.
-- I saw you hit the button.
|-- Grazed it with my fingers.
Why weren't we recording it? -- lsaac doesn't like|to waste tape.
|-- Jeremy! Come on, come on,|dry run, dry run.
|Here we go.
-- You're rolling?|-- Yes.
-- Really?|-- Yes.
Tonight on "Sports Night," we'll check out Herman Moore|and the Lions' new-look offense and Rob Blake and the Kings'|old-school defense.
We'll go back to the future|at Florida State and touch down|in Monte Carlo as -- -- I'm outta here.
|-- Where are you going? I've got to go see someone.
Bubba Smith and Chipper Jones|would work fine in the teaser.
[ Door closes ] Yevgeny Kafelnikov --|I did it.
No problem.
I'm talking to myself|for no particular reason.
[ Smacks lips ] Isaac? Yeah? -- How you doin'?|-- Good.
I've got a problem.
-- lmagine my surprise.
|-- Right.
Shane McArnold, some years ago, he gave me an interview|when I needed a break.
Are you with me? Yeah, but so far,|I'm not at all interested.
-- He was my "Close-Up"|interview this morning.
|-- How'd he do? Very, very well.
We got lots of footage,|feet and feet of footage.
-- There's just this little spot|where he says|-- Yes? I mean, it's possible|to interpret his remarks as -- He implies he doesn't like|New York.
-- How?|-- By saying|he doesn't like New York.
Wow.
Yeah.
-- He's screwed.
|-- Yes.
Wow.
[ Laughs ] How do you feel about|my editing out that section? Well, I guess, since it's news|and it's good television, I wouldn't feel very good|about it.
-- How do you think Dana|would feel about it?|-- Dana? Yeah.
Well, who knows with Dana? One day she's up,|another day she's down.
That girl's nuttier than|a squirrel's cheeks in October.
The point is -- She's standing|right behind me, right? I cannot believe you.
|You went over my head? -- I can explain this.
|-- How? -- I went over your head.
|-- Casey! Hey, I'm just trying|to be courteous, okay? I didn't want to interrupt|your dancing.
And you just sat there?! It's my desk.
Outside! -- Right.
|-- Good talking to you, Case.
Listen, does the fact that I -- -- He's an old friend.
|-- Move it.
He gave me my first break.
|Okay, I can see you're upset|because I went over your head.
Well, you never know with me,|do you, Casey? One day I'm up,|one day I'm down.
Hey, listen, first of all,|sorry about that.
Second of all, he's a good guy.
He gave me my start,|and I owe him one.
This is personal.
|You can understand that.
Let me tell you something --|I think it's really sweet that you're that loyal|to someone.
It says a lot about you,|and it's almost hard|to choke back the tears while I sayno! Dana -- Excuse me, everyone,|I'd like to announce that Casey's adolescent|and pathetic hero worship of professional athletes|has reached the point where he's willing to compromise|journalistic integrity.
Oh, please.
|Journalistic integrity? Like we're Edward R.
Murrow.
He just signed|a $91-million contract, Casey.
Something tells me|he's gonna get over it.
Yeah, he makes a lot more money|than we do, so let's look for|every possible opportunity|to blow him out of the water.
-- Was he aware a camera|was pointed at him?|-- Yes.
-- Was he aware that|we were recording sound?|-- Yes.
-- Was he aware that we intended|this for public broadcast?|-- Yes! -- Tell me how I'm blowing him|out of the water.
|-- It's just not necessary.
Neither is sports, and please don't go to lsaac|behind my back.
That just makes me get|[Grunts] like this.
Fine.
Go get ready.
[ Sighs ] -- Hi.
|-- Danny.
-- I'm sorry to interrupt.
|-- I'm in the middle|of a session.
-- I'm having a problem.
|-- So is my patient, Danny,|so I'll talk to you later.
-- How you doin'?|-- Okay.
-- I'm Dan Rydell.
|-- From "Sports Night.
" -- You watch the show?|-- I love the show.
-- You hear that?|-- Danny.
Say, listen, l-I'm sorry, but you weren't in the middle|of a breakthrough or anything,|were you? -- Hey!|-- Why? You need a minute? You're the best.
I'm having a problem.
That was so totally,|unbelievably, off-the-charts|out of line -- -- Yeah, yeah, listen --|this is an emergency.
|-- What? What's wrong? I can't say Yevgeny Kafelnikov.
What? He's a Russian tennis player.
|I'm recording the tease, and l-l|can't pronounce his name.
I invert two of the syllables.
One of the times,|I got it right, but Jeremy wasn't rolling|the tape.
-- I'm calling the police.
|-- Abby, I'm serious -- You interrupted my session|because you can't pronounce|Yevgeny Kafelnikov? -- I need to know why.
|-- How the hell should I know? Enough of this already.
|Just fix me, would you? -- Fix you?|-- Please? Okay.
Pfft! All done.
Okay, I don't think|you did anything just then.
Danny, of all the psychological|problems you have -- and they are myriad --|not being able to pronounce|Yevgeny Kafelnikov -- isn't one of them.
|-- Then why|can't I pronounce it? 'Cause it's a hard name|to pronounce.
Abby, I'm -- This is very unfair|to my patient.
Look, something is going on|with me, and I know|you can fix it, and, frankly -- and I'm|sorry if this is abrupt --|but I think the only reason you're stringing me around|like this is that you're afraid|if I get over this, I won't have a reason|to see you.
Dannyyou're in pain,|and it doesn't take a genius|to see that.
-- I'm perfectly fine.
|-- True or false -- the only time you're really|comfortable with people is when you're talking to them|on television.
-- That is untrue.
|-- True or false -- you're convinced|you're responsible -- for the death|of your brother.
|-- Look, I don't need you -- True or false --|you're convinced your parents|blame you as well.
This is starting to get|a little personal, Abby.
Fine.
Go back to work.
[ Sighs ] Why is this happening now? I don't know.
You do know.
I honestly don't.
Y-You saw a picture,|you missed a birthday, you heard a song --|who knows? Maybe it's just|enough is enough, and it's time for your mind|to deal with it.
Whatever the reason, it's here.
Now, does this really sound|like something I could just fix|with a prescription? So what do I do? You get therapy -- for real.
With you? Yeah, if you like.
-- Really?|-- Yeah.
I just call up|and make an appointment? That's right.
-- The thing is, -- Yeah?|-- there, uh, may be|a problem there.
You have a crush on me.
-- Yeah.
|-- That's natural.
I guess|'cause you're the healer, and you're also playing the role|of the confessor as well.
-- I meant 'cause I'm a babe.
|-- That, too.
-- Danny|-- Yeah? you're gonna be fine.
It doesn't feel that way.
I know.
|Have a good show.
[ Door opens ] [ Sighs ] Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
|I appreciate it.
I love watching you|on television.
Thanks.
[ lndistinct conversations ] -- You see this spoon?|-- Yeah.
-- I'm stealing it.
|-- Okay.
Why? -- No, no, Jeremy, I think the|better question is "why not?"|-- Okay.
-- Will I be punished for it?|-- I doubt it.
-- Me too.
|-- When did people start eating|a lot of hummus? Let's say I was punished for it.
Let's say I was taken|down to the station house|for stealing this spoon, -- and as a result of that,|I lost my job.
|-- Yes.
I wouldn't have any money.
You'd get another job.
With my rap sheet?|I don't think so.
You stole a spoon.
Today it's a spoon,|tomorrow it's a bank.
-- You're gonna steal a bank?|-- I'm gonna rob a bank.
She's actually not gonna rob|a bank.
This is just sort of|a hypothetical flight of fancy.
Resume your late-night|socializing.
-- Jeremy --|-- Natalie, fear of punishment|has never been what's kept you|from committing a crime.
The reason you haven't robbed|a bank is that you know|it's wrong.
The reason you're not gonna|steal that spoon is because you know it's wrong.
So Hell isn't|a Hieronymus Bosch painting.
What do you care?|You weren't going there anyway.
Okay.
[ lndistinct conversations ] Shane.
You suck, man,|you know that? -- Listen --|-- I mean, is that fun for you,|messing with me like that? You having a good time? Hey, man,|I didn't mess with you.
-- You said that you'd fix it.
|-- I know.
I should never have made|that promise.
Truth is, I don't have|that kind of authority|on the show, and I pretended like I did.
-- Let me buy you a beer.
|-- Buy me a beer? This guy wants to buy me a beer.
I should kick your ass.
Kick his ass, Casey.
Excuse me.
You're not making this|any easier.
Oh, like that's|what I was trying to do.
Shane You just stay out of my face, and you stay out|of my locker room.
We're outta here.
Shane you're gonna wear|Yankee pinstripes.
You're gonna roam|the same piece of ground as Gehrig and DiMaggio|and Mantle.
Your salary's gonna be paid by people who work hard|and like baseball.
If you can't get excited|about that, I think the very least|you can do is to fake it.
-- Dan!|-- Hey.
Danny.
What's goin' on? Just takin' care of business.
|Where you been? I was at the office.
Why? I, uh I don't know.
You want to find someplace|and talk about it? Hey, do you think|it would be okay if l, um just sat down andand just sat down|for a while? Of course it's okay.
|What's goin' on? I mean, there may be|periods of time in the conversation|when I don't say anything funny.
There may be long periods|when I don't say -- Danny.
I'm fine.
I know.
And I'm right here.
I know.
Okay? Come on.
Let's eat.
On the next "Sports Night" -- I'm in therapy.
|-- You need more.
Is it important to you that you get every attractive|woman you meet to like you? It's important that I get|the unattractive ones|to like me, too.
I blew the thing last night,|all right? Enough is enough.
He's your responsibility,|Jeremy.
Do what you want.
He screws up again,|it's my responsibility.
Seven starters from one team|are about to get suspended from football|for the rest of the season, including the playoffs.
Are those the names?