Sports Night (1998) s02e05 Episode Script

Kafelnikov

[ Up-tempo instrumental music|plays ] Dan: The thing is, when you don't have much|of a family life growing up -- That's the wrong way|of putting it.
The things you need,|that anyone needs -- what happens is you become|someone who relies on the love of three or four million|total strangers watching you on television.
What happens when they go away? Well, you try to avoid that.
[ Chuckles ] Okay.
Listen -- -- Ah, I gotta go.
|-- Really? Yeah, the guy I came with|looks like he's ready to go.
I'm Dan Rydell, by the way.
I know who you are.
Thanks.
-- Did I just give you|a compliment?|-- I just assumed.
Abby Jacobs,|and this is my card.
-- You should call me, Dan.
|-- Yeah? Call me.
"Menlo Park monogram,"|three letters.
T.
A.
E.
Thank you.
Uh, five letters --|"kindergarten adhesive.
" -- Paste.
|-- Thank you.
-- So, what about this?|-- What? -- Right here, right now.
|-- What about it? Wouldn't this be considered|a date? -- No.
|-- Why? Because you and l|aren't allowed to date until you've dated|other people for six months.
Yeah, but those are just rules|that you made up.
"Tabby's tempter.
" -- Catnip.
|-- [ Laughs ] Thank you.
My point is|that if an outside observer were to happen into this bar --|a loner, maybe -- -- this guy --|-- The loner.
If this shivering loner|were to look in this direction, he would assume|the two of us are on a date.
He'd be wrong.
Mnh-mnh.
The loner's a fairly bright guy|who's known for his smarts.
-- Casey?|-- Yes.
The longer you wait the longeryou wait.
-- [ Sighs ]|-- You know what I'm saying? -- Start dating other women?|-- Yes.
"Yikes," 15 letters.
What's the clue? The clue is "yikes.
" Good evening.
|I am victorious.
He is.
Jeepers creepers.
Ha! Fits.
Yes.
I am victorious, and -- Basically, that's all I had|to say -- "l am victorious.
" -- Excellent.
|-- Jeremy fixed the K-Y thing.
-- Y2K.
|-- Jeremy.
We're all set.
We're bringing in|a professional.
We're bringing in|a Y2K manager.
No need to.
|We're all set.
Jeremy, the whole show|runs on computers.
Our entire organization|runs on computers.
-- Yes.
|-- What have you done? I've done nothing less|than face down the millennium|and show it who's in charge.
Well, did you use a manual|or something? -- Dana, this is my area.
|-- It's true.
-- You know, just 'cause you're|a nerd doesn't mean --|-- We will run a test.
-- Listen to this.
|-- What kind of test? -- A K-Y test.
|-- Y2K.
-- We don't have|a lot of time --|-- A quick test.
Tomorrow night at 6:00,|I'll recalibrate the computers to believe|that it is January 1, 2000, and you'll see|that we're Y2K-compatible and that I am facing the future|as the servant of no master, and you'll also take back|that "nerd" thing.
Yes, indeed.
Okay.
-- Natalie, a shot and a beer.
|-- Okay.
Or if they|have Mountain Dew "Give the slip,"|five letters.
Elude.
I finished the crossword.
Here we go, folks -- 6:00.
Anybody who wants to see this|is more than welcome.
There's plenty of room in there.
Okay, wish me luck.
|Here I go.
I talked to her all night.
You talked to her|for 20 minutes.
It was quite a while.
Guys, let's sit down|and get started.
[ Air hissing ] [ Chuckles ] This Y2K thing is serious, man.
What's that thing next to Dan? It's the top of Casey's head.
Can we get him|a new chair, please? Chris: Stand by,|one through five.
Stand by five.
"Sports Night"'s at ready-1.
|We are live in 30 seconds.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
|What? -- I just want to make sure|that's not actually true.
|-- No.
So there's no way|we're broadcasting|this preposterous exercise? -- No.
|-- We're just simulating|this preposterous exercise.
Let's do it, baby! You weren't just talking|to me, right? -- No, I was just saying|in general.
|-- Dave? Dave: VTR is rolling.
|10 seconds live.
Chris: Loading effects|3, 4, and 5A.
In 32 Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell|alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories,|plus Luciano Pavarotti|shocks the track world by running the 100 meters|in 6 seconds, my mother hits for the cycle, and Martina Hingis|sings selections from|"No, No, Nanette.
" You're watching|"Sports Night" on CSC,|so stick around.
-- We're out.
|-- Two minutes back.
So far, so good.
I'd say a little better|than good, Dana -- Chyrons, over-the-shoulder,|animation, sound, cameras,|communications -- and what's this? The L.
C.
wire being updated|on my PowerBook.
Sandbags on the levee,|some plywood on the windows -- a little thing|called human endeavor.
-- Are you almost finished?|-- I'm just saying|we have nothing to fear.
-- I'm just saying you must|have gotten beaten up a lot|in high school.
|-- Yeah.
-- She has a name.
|-- The girl at the bar? The girl at the bar|has a name.
-- What is it?|-- Abby.
Nice.
So we can stop calling her|"the girl in the bar.
" She's not, like, a girl|who hangs out in bars,|like a bar girl.
-- Mm, I like girls|who hang out at bars.
|-- Me too.
Dave: 30 seconds back.
-- She liked me.
|-- I like you, too.
We talked for quite a while.
Yeah, and then she went home|with another guy.
The guy she came with? -- Yes.
|-- She was with that guy.
|That was the guy she came with.
You know,|and then there was me.
Then there was you? -- There was.
|-- Okay.
In 32 [ Laughter ] Zamfir, master of the pan flute,|was 26-for-32 in passing Cue graphics.
Graphics are up.
Graphics are up,|my good friends.
As sure as the sun sets|in the west, as sure as there will always|be an England, the graphics are up.
-- Natalie?|-- Yeah.
-- Way too much sugar|for him lately.
|-- I know.
For more on that, we take you|to our ship's purser,|Gopher Smith, who's standing by|on the Lido deck.
Gopher? Kim: 1:20 back.
She gave me this.
-- Her card.
|-- The digits.
-- So she's a shrink.
|-- Really? Yeah, she's a headshrinker.
Where does it say that? It says so on her card --|"Psy.
D.
," Doctor of Psychology.
Wow, she's a doctor.
Of psychology.
A doctor.
In the area of mental health.
Hmm.
Have you called her yet? -- Yes.
|-- To make an appointment? I called her to make a date.
You sure? Yes.
-- I'm very sure.
|-- Uh, if you're sure, I'm sure.
She was a girl in a bar.
-- A therapist.
|-- By vocation.
In 32 Thank you, Gopher.
We're just getting started|here on "Dan and Casey's|Dance Fever.
" We're going to take a commercial|break, so stay with us.
Dave: We're out.
|Kim: 90 seconds back.
It's a date, Casey.
|It's not an appointment.
-- Where is it?|-- The date? -- Yeah.
|-- Her office.
Okay.
I'm sure she understood|that meant I'm picking her up|at her office.
I'm sure.
What time? [ Laughs ] 7:50? When she's done|with her last appointment.
Sounds to me like she might have|one more on her schedule.
Hey, don't you work|at 7:50? No.
-- I work at 7:50.
|-- That's why I don't have to.
-- Danny --|-- I'll be gone for an hour.
Oh, I understand.
You do not understand.
Stand by animation.
Stand by sound 22, 23,|and 23A.
Loading effects 12.
You guys mind|if I do the honors? -- He wants to push the button.
|-- Yeah.
Sure.
At the press of this button,|the Y2K problem will officially|cry uncle.
And I'll say, "Yeah?|Who's your daddy? "l am!|That's right, say it.
Jeremy's your daddy.
"|Then -- -- Jeremy.
|-- Here we go.
In 32 [ Static, high-pitched tone ] Huh.
Yes.
Huh.
Yes.
Will? I've got nothing.
-- Chris?|-- I've got no sound|in the studio or on the router.
Kim? My control panel just crashed.
Okay.
Well, I'm just gonna run|to the ATM, pick up some bottled water|and canned goods, and I'll be right back.
Hey, hey.
|This is nothing.
I need to reaccess the mainframe|and reboot the system.
-- How long will that take?|-- No time.
You understand that, you know,|in real life we're doing|a show at 1 1 :00.
That's in 4 1/2 hours.
|I'll be done fixing this|in 5 minutes.
Five minutes, everybody.
[ High-pitched tone continues ] [ Telephone ringing ] Come on.
|I'm your daddy.
-- I do not need therapy.
|-- Okay.
-- You think|that's what she thinks?|-- No.
-- If that's what she thinks,|she's wrong.
|-- Okay.
Don't you think she's wrong|if she thinks that? Listen, McMurphy,|if it were up to me, I'd let you and the big lndian|out of the hospital, but -- Hey, let's just hold onto|our horses here.
Now, I may not be a|framed picture of mental health, but doctor-girl's|got another think coming if she thinks I'm gonna|go lie on her couch and,|you know, talk to her.
-- Okay.
|-- She hangs out in bars, Casey.
Like I'm supposed to take advice|from some gin-soaked floozy? -- Yeah.
|-- I'm going to|straighten this out.
-- When?|-- 7:50.
-- At her office?|-- Yes, indeed.
Casey.
-- NatalieI'm not crazy.
|-- Yeah.
Yeah, right.
You need to cut 20 seconds|from the Pac-10.
No problem.
Also, you should know|that Sam Donovan called -- from Detroit last night|and said it was a good show.
|-- Great.
-- Wait.
|-- What? He's telling Casey|it was a good show? He's telling all of us|it was a good show.
-- But you were telling Casey.
|-- I was telling both of you.
-- You were looking at Casey.
|-- I was looking at both of you.
You were looking at Casey|longer.
-- This isn't gonna make you|any crazier, is it?|-- No.
Jeremy's got it just about|fixed, so it'll just be -- [ Sighs ] I'm not crazy, right?|The lights did just go out? Yeah.
Jeremy? -- Jeremy?|-- It's going to be okay.
-- Is all the power out?|-- What do you mean? -- Is all the power out?|-- No, of course not.
-- What did we lose?|-- We lost the control room -- Yes.
|--and the studio.
-- Okay.
|-- The newsroom and the offices, Editing, Graphics,|Engineering, Sound.
Is anything working? No.
I thought you said|we didn't lose all power.
-- I thought you meant|in the whole city.
|-- No.
-- 'Cause the rest|of the city is fine.
|-- Yes, you have to end|this test now.
-- Right.
|-- You can try again|another time, but you have to tell|the computer that it's|not January 1st.
-- Yeah.
|Here's the thing --|-- No.
-- The thing is|-- Please don't say it.
I can't get|the computers back.
You can't get|the computers back.
-- No.
|-- Why? -- Do you see anything|that runs on electricity|working right now?|-- No.
-- Well|-- You really think this is the|best time to get snippy with me? -- I'm trying.
|-- Try harder.
-- I have to see someone|in Physical Resources.
|-- Fine.
-- Be back in a minute!|-- Fine.
[ Thud ] -- I've walked into a door.
|-- Yes.
-- Natalie!|-- Right here.
-- Whoa! God!|-- Hi.
You scared me.
Isn't this cool? Hmm.
Let me think.
No! Okay.
-- They have power upstairs?|-- Yes.
-- They have systems?|-- Yes.
-- Prep studio "B.
"|-- Studio "B"'s a hole.
-- Natalie --|-- It's small,|it's water-damaged,|it's slightly mildewed.
I agree that ours is|a much nicer studio.
I guess the only problem|is that we can't see it! -- I'll get things going|upstairs.
|-- Thank you.
Did everybody hear that? We're doing the show|upstairs tonight! [ Silence ] Is there even anybody here|in this room right now? -- Yes.
|-- We're here.
|-- Yeah.
Okay.
[ Door opens ] -- Hi.
|-- What? I said hi.
I'm not here for an appointment.
|I'm just here socially.
Please don't talk to me.
Okay.
[ Door opens ] -- Hey.
|-- Hey.
-- Come on in.
|-- Sure.
Is she okay? -- Who?|She's fine.
|-- Her.
-- She didn't look that good.
|-- She's fine.
-- Really?|-- Yeah.
I mean, I don't want to question|your professional opinion, but she looked a littlecrazy.
She's fine.
-- Good.
|-- So -- I mean, she's okay|to be walking around|on the street? -- Yes.
|-- Okay.
[ Chuckles ] Say, listen, do you want to hear|something funny? Sure.
There was, among a few|of the people I work with, some confusion over whether you|wanted me to call you for a date or whether you wanted me|to call you for an appointment.
-- Really? That is funny.
|-- Yeah.
Yes, it is.
Have you ever been in therapy? -- Me?|-- Yeah.
-- No.
|-- Really? -- Never felt the need.
|-- Okay.
-- What about you?|-- Me? Have you ever been in therapy? -- I still am.
|-- Really? -- Yeah.
|-- That's allowed? -- It's encouraged.
|-- You're kidding.
Why are you surprised? 'Cause I'm ju--|Well, I'm not.
I-I just assumed that someone|who needed a therapist would want someone with,|you know, a full supply|of marbles.
-- Danny.
|-- Yeah? I have roughly the same number|of marbles as everyone else.
-- I'm sure.
|-- So do you.
I have, actually,|an excess of marbles.
I can tell, and you seem|like a nice guy.
-- I am.
|-- I know.
-- You're a nice guy,|and you're a smart guy.
|-- Thank you.
So why doesn't|your father like you? What? I believe in cutting through|the first six months|and getting to the stuff.
Excuse me.
|Are we on a date right now,|or we having a session? Which did you want it to be? A date.
-- You sure?|-- Yes.
Okay.
Why did you ask me|about my father? Did you go to school|to get good at what you do? -- Yeah.
|-- Me too.
-- How 'bout a quick dinner?|-- Hang on a second there,|Sigmund.
Why do you think|my father doesn't like me? Why do you think|your father doesn't like you? No, I meant, what do you|observe about me -- Don't worry about it.
My father likes me, Abby.
She likes me just fine.
She? -- What?|-- You said,|"She likes me just fine.
" -- No, I didn't.
|-- Okay.
-- I didn't.
|-- Let's get a hamburger.
-- Abby|-- Yeah.
-- Why did I say that?|-- I don't know.
Dan, it's been|kind of a long day.
Mind if we sit down? No.
[ lndistinct voices ] Aw, look at this --|Bob Cratchit.
-- This isn't funny.
|-- You see me laughing? -- Hey, listen --|-- Don't move.
Why? You look nice|in the candlelight.
-- Over here like this?|-- You were fine.
No, I want to go back|to the way it was.
-- Don't worry about it.
|-- Over here? You know, you can squeeze|the life out of a moment Iike nobody I've ever met.
Well, excuse me for wanting|to get it right.
-- I have no trouble|excusing you for that.
|-- Thank you.
We're gonna move upstairs|to studio "B.
" [ Groans ] I'm not wild|about studio "B.
" Why not? Because this studio|is my home.
For tonight we'll make|the other studio your home.
-- It doesn't really work|like that.
|-- I bet it does.
-- Dana --|-- Studio "B.
"|Let's start heading up.
-- Hey.
|-- Hey, where have you been? I was cutting some new film.
-- For Oregon State?|-- Yeah.
No, for Memphis.
Guys, studio "B," 10 minutes.
[ Sighs ] How'd it go? -- Good.
Yeah.
|-- Yeah? Yeah.
Let me, uh, swap Memphis|for N.
C.
State, okay? -- Fine.
|-- I'm gonna go pull some tape.
Danny -- Casey, I really just want to --|You know, it was no big deal.
-- It was good.
|-- Good.
-- I'm gonna go pull some tape.
|-- Okay.
Um, the circuits here|are all GFCl.
My point being|that there's probably no need to check for a ground fault|in the Ethernet bridge, but, you know, yes,|go ahead and do it anyway.
I suppose I'm not really|in a position to give advice, except to say,|is it possible that a spike in the slave sync signal|shorted out the bus? -- Honey|-- Natalie, I think|it's possible that a spike in the slave sync|signal shorted the PCl bus so the DMA controller|had an lRQ conflict.
-- Honey --|-- Dave, isn't it possible that|a spike in the slave sync signal -- shorted the PCl bus?|-- No.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! -- Jeremy --|-- Damn it.
Could you give us the room|for a second? -- Sure.
|-- Yeah, sure.
It's not a big deal.
It's not a big deal? It's not.
Look around you.
[ Sighs ]|You weren't here the first year.
On a list of the top 10 things|we screwed up, knocking the power out|with a Y2K test wouldn't have made the cut.
-- This is different.
|-- Why? 'Cause this is a metaphor.
-- For what?|-- For this! For this! For this new millennium,|which everyone seems to|be looking forward to, and I'd like to be|looking forward to it.
Why am I having trouble|getting on board? What bad thing do you think is|gonna happen on January 1st? Well, for one thing, all|the power's going to go out.
Yeah, but not in the whole city.
The day isn't over yet.
Guys, it's time|to head upstairs.
Dana, tell Jeremy|not to fear the new millennium.
-- Don't fear|the new millennium.
|-- Do it better than that.
-- There's nothing to fear|from the new millennium.
|-- You see? Though I suspect you'll be|spending a good part of it|looking for a job.
Are we going upstairs? Dana: Yes.
|Natalie: Pep Jeremy up.
|-- Why? He fears the new millennium.
Me too.
Good job.
This century was my home.
Exactly.
Men like Jeremy and me,|we're 20th-century men.
-- Okay, can we go?|-- You really think things|are gonna be that different|in the next millennium? I think Dana and I still won't|have gone on a first date yet,|if that's what you're asking.
It was.
Let's go.
The next millennium|will be spectacular.
It will be.
I'm managing editor|of "Sports Night, " and 1 00 years ago,|I wasn't allowed to vote.
The future's just fine with me.
And I have to say|that I find it vaguely amusing that a computer|that can calculate|the quadratic equation in a nanosecond hits the panic button|when it's asked to count|up to 2000.
[ Laughs ]|I'll see you upstairs.
[ Laughs ] Well, anyway, sorry about this.
We've got to get up there.
-- Let's go.
|Dana: Hang on.
We gotta go.
-- Jeremy, which button|did you hit?|-- When? -- When the lights went out.
|-- Uh, video release.
-- Hmm.
|-- Why? You didn't.
-- Yes, I did.
|-- No, you didn't.
I was looking|right at the button.
Yes.
-- It said "video release.
"|-- Yes.
It was video release.
No.
And I think|this is interesting.
This section of the board|was rewired this morning.
-- It was?|-- Yes.
Why aren't the consoles|relabeled? As far as that's concerned, there's no question|that there's a way to look|at this where it's my fault.
What's another way|to look at it? There's no other way|to look at it.
What button did I actually push? Now, this is where|I think you're gonna find|some irony.
It was the panic button? Interestingly,|it was the panic button.
-- Dana --|-- Hey, I said I was sorry.
It was heartfelt.
|I made an apology.
-- No, you didn't.
|-- Like I need to apologize|with you people.
Hang on.
-- [ Beeping ]|Casey: Yeah! Ha ha! -- Dave!|-- Sound! Chris: I've got sound.
-- Will?|-- We're online.
Let's go! Two minutes to VTR,|three minutes live.
My home.
Dana: Jeremy I'm honestly sorry.
-- There's no point|in assigning blame.
|-- What happened? It was Dana's fault! -- Show me Denver.
|-- I am reinvigorated.
You may have won the battle,|but there's a war still|to be waged, my foe.
Honey, when you talk|to the computers, you don't ever hear them|talk back, do you? -- No.
|-- Good.
-- The human mind, Alyson.
|It won't be denied.
|-- Good.
-- It just won't.
|-- Okay.
You could try denying it,|but it won't work.
|You know why? -- 'Cause it's the human mind?|-- Damn straight.
-- Can I go?|-- Yes.
Okay.
Are you sure you don't want to|talk about anything? Yeah.
You gonna see her again? Yeah.
Good.
I think I may have|some stuff going on.
I know.
-- It's gonna be okay.
|-- I know.
-- Let's do a good show.
|-- Danny the human mind|will not be denied.
[ Sighs ] [ Air hissing ] Dave: Roll VTR.
This is humiliating.
On the next "Sports Night" How would you feel about my editing out the part|where he doesn't like New York? No.
Look, Arnold committed a bit|of a Big Apple faux pas, and Dana won't let me cut it.
I'm undergoing|some kind of nervous collapse.
I should kick your ass.
Kick his ass, Casey.
You're not making this|any easier.
What's wrong? This is an emergency.
The Vatican says|there's no such place as Hell.
Well, that's a load|off my mind.