Sports Night (1998) s02e13 Episode Script

Dana Get Your Gun

Dan: Look in my eyes.
|Casey: No.
-- Seriously,|look in my eyes.
|-- Seriously, no.
-- If you were to look|in my eyes, you know|what you'd see?|-- Dan you'd see the look of|sheer desperation.
I am not switching|with you.
Is it because you don't want|to do the show with Tina? I have plans.
Winding down is not plans.
I'm not just winding down.
I was thinking|about seeing a movie.
-- A movie?|-- Yeah.
I'm gonna miss a|once-in-a-lifetime opportunity tomorrow night|so you can see a movie? Well, you want to see|a singer? -- Do you know how often|Tom Waits plays clubs?|-- No.
Tom Waits never plays clubs.
You know what|he's doing tomorrow night? He's playing a club? He's playing a club.
Should I go see him? -- Casey|-- 'Cause I have the night off.
You can have|my firstborn son, just take|tomorrow night's show.
So I'd have to work tomorrow|and raise your child.
-- [ Sighs ]|-- Hey, Elliot, uh,|you got the word on Webber? X-rays came back negative.
|They think it's just a sprain.
I need new clothes.
-- Do you want me|to buy you clothes?|-- No, I'm gonna buy|my own clothes.
-- I just want Natalie|to go with me.
|-- I offer you the world,|and you want clothes? Look, this girl named Lillian|I just met said I dress|like her father.
-- You do|dress like her father.
|-- You know Lillian's father? I don't have to know|Lillian's father.
You're asking me|for a favor and mocking me|at the same time? I'm sorry.
Look, Natalie has really|good taste in clothes.
Last time she went with me,|I found a cool scarf.
-- So why don't you|ask her to go?|-- I did.
She -- It's complicated.
|She said no.
So all I have to do is get|Natalie to go shopping with you? Yes.
I could kiss you right now.
Please don't.
Chris, let me see|a preview of Seattle on 2.
Loading Seattle on 2.
Stand by, sound.
Sound standing by on 3.
Elliot, is there a final|in Cleveland? About a minute left.
|Cleveland's up by 4.
And F.
Y.
I.
--|Miller fouled out.
When did saying actual words|become such a burden? F.
Y.
I.
, B.
Y.
O.
B.
,|A.
S.
A.
P.
-- Jeremy|-- Yes? I'm trying|to produce a TV show.
|I could use your help.
TV --|that's another one.
-- Natalie|-- Not a chance in hell.
-- I haven't|said anything yet.
|-- You were gonna ask me to go|clothes shopping with Casey.
-- How did you know that?|-- I'm intuitive.
And you were miked.
-- That too.
|-- At some point, were you planning on asking me|if it's okay if you switch off|nights with Casey? I'm still the executive producer|of the show.
I'm sorry.
Is it okay if l|switch off nights with Casey? What the hell|do I care? Natalie.
Dan, I'm saying|he's a woman.
I spent eight hours on|a Saturday watching Casey try on practically|everything Barney's had|to offer -- twice.
He left with a scarf.
-- You've seen|how he dresses.
|-- Yes.
So this isn't just a favor|to me, then.
-- You owe this|to the world.
|-- No.
Natalie, I love Tom Waits,|probably more than -- I don't know.
I just love Tom Waits.
There's a party tomorrow night|at Lot 61.
If you get me on the list,|I'll go shopping with Casey.
[ Smooches ]|You don't know how much|I appreciate this.
It's an impossible list|to get on.
I'll make it happen.
You should know,|in case you're planning on using your celebrity|to get me in, I already called around|pretending to be you.
You pretended to be me? Mmm, actually, I pretended|to be your secretary -- calling on your behalf.
|-- My secretary? Miss Jean Hodges.
|She's very officious.
-- And they just|turned me down flat?|-- Yeah.
-- Weird.
|-- Spooky.
Kim walk with me.
Look, you still friends with|that bouncer guy at Lot 61? Kurt and l|were never exactly friends.
All right, listen,|I really need to get Natalie|in there tomorrow night.
Is there any way you could|consider calling him? If I call Kurt, he's going|to think I want to sleep|with him again.
-- [ Groans ]|-- Oh, no.
|Don't get me wrong.
I want to sleep|with him again.
I just don't want to do it|in my crappy apartment.
[ Chuckles ] Four Seasons okay? -- A suite?|-- Sure.
-- I'll call him|during the C-break.
|Dave: Roll VTR.
Casey: You all set? -- Yes, sir.
|-- Excellent.
Tomorrow at this time,|I'll be bathing in the raspy drawl|of Mr.
Tom Waits.
And not long after that,|I'll be trying on pants.
Dave: 30 seconds live.
Dan, I just got a message|from Tina Lake.
She had to cancel|for tomorrow night.
So who are we getting|to replace her? You.
But I'm going to see|Tom Waits tomorrow.
Maybe someday.
Just not tomorrow.
Dave: In 32 Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell|alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories, plus Edgerin James re-ups|for some more do-re-mi, Tiger tries to solve a problem|like Jose-Maria, and spring training is alive|with the sound of chin music.
We've got flying pucks,|driving defenses, and smooth sailing|for the Blackhawks|in Montreal.
You're watching|"Sports Night" on CSC,|so stick around.
[ Telephones ringing ] There must be someone.
The sub pool is dry.
Bobbi Bernstein.
Oh, Bobbi Bernstein --|you're right.
How could I have missed|Bobbi Bernstein? You've tried|Bobbi Bernstein? Of course I've tried|Bobbi Bernstein.
You know why, Dan? 'Cause you're not a moron? -- 'Cause I'm not.
|-- Jennifer A-- Jennifer Atwater's|having a baby.
-- She is?|-- Yes.
-- What trimester|is she in?|-- Danny! I'm saying there have been|medical advances that allow you people to work well into the fourth|or fifth trimester.
-- Amazing what medicine|can do.
Danny|-- lsn't it? -- We got Steve Sarris.
|-- For tonight? -- Yes.
|-- She got Steve Sarris.
I heard.
Well done.
She got Steve Sarris.
|Thank you.
-- I didn't do it for you.
|-- I'm gonna get you|into the club.
-- Plus one.
|-- Who are you taking? Who do you think I'm taking?|I'm taking my boyfriend.
-- Jeremy?|-- Yeah.
-- Jeremy's gonna want|to go to Lot 61?|-- What do I care? -- He's my boyfriend,|he loves me, and he's going.
|-- Okay.
Get us in.
It's done.
Whoo! What do you need? I'm gonna push the Dodgers'|training camp into the 30s, which will let us move|Dale Earnhardt up front.
I've got a gun|under my desk.
-- Or we can keep everything|where it is.
|-- I mean it.
I've got a big honkin' gun|under my desk.
-- Why do you have a gun?|-- Actually, it's a musket.
-- A rifle?|-- A musket.
What's the difference? How the hell|do I know, Natalie?|What am l, Calamity Jane? I inherited a Revolutionary|War musket from my uncle.
Your uncle Was|in the Revolutionary War? Yes.
He died just recently|at the age of 241, Natalie! You're a little sarcastic|and short-tempered for someone who hasn't been|having a lot of sex lately.
Ooh, wait, I think I just|put my finger on the trigger.
Natalie -- Who's Steve Sarris? Good morning, Sam.
Good morning.
No, I mean, it would be nice|if you began a conversation with "Good morning.
" -- Didn't we just do that?|-- Yes.
-- Is there anything else?|-- No.
-- Who's Steve Sarris?|-- He's not gonna light the|world on fire, but he's good.
-- He's solid.
|-- He's very professional.
Good, solid, professional.
-- Yes.
|-- Is he gonna be awake|during the broadcast? He's an understudy, Sam.
His job is to keep|the curtain up.
|He'll be fine.
"Fine" -- there's another word|that always sets my toes|a-tappin'.
-- Leave now.
|-- Okay.
Natalie what am I gonna do|with this gun? I thought|it was a musket.
It's a gun,|and I don't want it.
You see this? Yes.
What's it say? "Empire Racquet Club.
" That's the wrong card.
I am a dues-paying member of|the Anti-handgun Coalition.
You think|they're gonna make you|stop going to the meetings? I'm morally opposed|to this.
Well, I think as long as you|don't shoot someone with it,|you're fine.
I've got to take|this thing and find|some place to smelt it.
[ Laughs ]|You're gonna smelt it? -- Why are you laughing?|-- It's a funny word.
-- Don't you have work to do?|-- Yes.
-- And?|-- Off I go.
Oh.
No, hmm.
Guess who's going|to Lot 61 tonight.
McGeorge Bundy.
McGeorge Bundy is dead.
Well, from the way|you asked me, I figured|it was someone unlikely.
Dan got us on the list.
Oh, I was also praying it would be any two people|other than us.
-- I knew you'd be this way.
|-- I'm not beingany way.
-- What's wrong --|-- Going to the hot spot,|the cool place? -- Yes.
|-- Nothing.
But let me run this|by you.
After the show, instead|of going to Area 51 -- Lot 61.
|It's a club downtown.
Fine, fine.
How about|instead of going downtown, we go home,|order some Chinese food -- And watch Conan?|-- We can watch Kilborn.
-- I'm very flexible.
|-- Jeremy! Kilborn's got a great lineup.
The list was very hard|to get on, Jeremy.
Dan had to pull|a lot of strings.
Don't you even want to know|who his guests are? Who are his guests? I'd have to check|the listings.
Jeremy,|it's gonna be great! Oh, it's not gonna be great,|Natalie.
We're gonna be in a room|surrounded by people for whom "cool"|means "discontent" -- all of them|trying to be cool, which isn't easy while|craning your neck around -- to see if you can|spot Skeet Ulrich.
|-- Jeremy and believe me, there will be|half a dozen people there|named Skeet.
Hey, if you don't want to go,|you don't have to go.
I'll go.
-- You don't have to go.
|-- I'm happy to go.
-- But you're not happy|to go.
|-- I'm not happy to go,|but I'll go anyway.
-- Why?|-- 'Cause I'm tired of having|this fight with you.
I have to|take this to graphics.
|Anything else? No.
-- I'm outta here!|-- Don't go.
-- Casey.
|-- Stay a little longer.
It's my day off.
It's your day off|'cause I gave it to you.
No, it's my day off because|you're going scarf shopping, and Kim's getting boinked|in a Parkview suite.
-- Just stay|till he gets here.
|-- Casey.
-- I don't like being alone|with the guy.
|-- He's fine.
-- Yeah, I know he's fine.
|Totally fine.
|-- So? Good.
-- He's a little morose,|a little somber.
|-- Yes.
Those are adjectives that|wouldn't be entirely|out of place describing you, there,|Chuckles.
-- You'll stay?|-- Sure.
Good.
Hello.
Hey, Steve.
I'm outta here.
|You guys have a good show.
Thank you.
Hi.
Am I late? -- You're right on time.
|-- Good.
-- Good,|I like to be efficient.
|-- Yes.
-- Or prompt is really what|I meant to say.
Punctual.
|-- You're fine.
Everything's fine.
|Dan got you started|on the script.
You've got the features|and the dailies.
Obviously,|we'll fill in the blanks.
-- Is something wrong?|-- Yeah, I think|my girlfriend's breaking up|with me.
-- Huh?|-- My girlfriend, Felicia,|I think she's breaking up|with me.
-- When?|-- Right now.
Tonight.
|I think she's gonna do it|when I'm on the air.
I think I'm gonna get home|and find a note where|her stuff used to be.
[ Sniffs ] Dave: In 32 Casey: Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Casey McCall|alongside Steve Sarris sitting in for Dan Rydell.
Those stories, plus|the Chicago Bulls have a cow, the Toronto Raptors|show their teeth, and the Florida Marlins are|in hook, line, and sinker.
We'll take you to Kentucky and show you there's more|than one way to skin a cat, and we'll take you to Chicago|where a certain Bear has got his hand stuck|in the honey jar -- all that coming up|after this.
You're watching|"Sports Night" on CSC, and this one's going out|to you, Felicia.
Dave: Okay.
We're out, I guess.
Two minutes back.
Casey! I got it.
Steve Yeah.
We don't generally|do that.
Do what? Um, dedicate a show.
I'm sorry.
-- It's no problem.
|-- It's just that I got|to get her back, Casey.
-- I understand.
|-- I love her.
-- Listen, can you hang on|a second?|-- Yeah.
[ Clears throat ] -- Where the hell is she?|-- She ran back|to her office.
-- Well, can you get her|to run back in here?|-- Don't you want to sit|at your desk? Not until|I absolutely have to.
Okay.
We commence|with our top story.
The race|for Lord Stanley's Cup Aah! -- What are you doing here?|-- What are you doing here? First off, it's my office.
|Second off -- Who cares what second off is?|It's my office.
We're in the middle|of a show.
-- Natalie's got the wheel.
|-- Ah.
Yes,|I do that on occasion.
So don't feel|like 1 1 :00 to midnight is your special "l can waltz|into Dana's office and play|with her gun" time.
-- My what?|-- Your special -- -- Shut up.
|-- [ Laughing ] What are you doing here? -- I heard about Brown Bess.
|-- You named my gun? It already had a name.
This is a Brown Bess|second model muskatoon.
You like guns.
-- I like this gun.
|-- What a shock.
This gun hasn't had|a lot of use.
Look, you can see here.
[ Clicks ] The frizzen|is almost pristine.
Well, I'll keep that in mind|if I ever run across Lafayette.
Lafayette was on our side,|but I got the joke.
-- Sam|This is a European|walnut stock, and I could be wrong,|but I think this outline is the military inspector's|cartouche.
Guns are disgusting.
-- You think?|-- Yeah.
Did you ever hear|the expression, "Contempt prior|to investigation"? No.
It's from A.
A.
You should be careful|with that.
-- I am.
|-- Okay.
Anyway,|I wasn't hitting on you.
What? I said I wasn't hitting on you.
I was just talking|about the musket.
What in the world would make you think -- l-I thought --|-- Just playing safe.
-- Fine.
|-- Okay.
I have to get back|to the show.
What did you come|in here for? Um Mm, I can't remember.
Okay.
Steve:|But now all Pacers fans are giving Larry Bird|a headache.
-- What was --|-- Contempt prior|to investigation.
-- Thank you.
|-- Okay.
As we go to Indianapolis,|native home of the 500, the Choctaw Indians -- and Ms.
Felicia Mercer.
Hear that Felicia?|Ms.
, not Miss.
It's called respecting you.
Somebody get Dana|back here! Dean Hanson is standing by|at the RCA Dome.
Dean.
Dave: 30 seconds back.
|-- You think she heard that?|-- Dude I'm pretty sure any number|of people heard that.
Steve, two things I need|you to know about -- this TelePrompTer|and the FCC.
Yes.
-- Got it?|-- Yes.
In 32 In more basketball news,|a quick look at the standings|show how important Iast night's|Detroit/Miami game was [ Knock on door ] Hey.
Why aren't you|in the control room? [ Gasps ] Oh, my God! Psych out.
-- That's funny, Dana.
|-- Thank you.
Who's Felicia Mercer? I think she's Steve Sarris'|girlfriend.
Well, could you|let him know that unless he's dating|Martina Hingis, -- we don't mention our|girlfriends on the show?|-- Yes.
Well, get in there! -- Yes.
|-- Dana? Do you want to hear|something funny? I want to work! Sam's under the impression|I thought he was hitting on me.
Please go back in there.
I certainly wasn't asking him|to hit on me, if that's|what you were implying.
-- Dana|-- He likes guns,|so right away -- -- Dana|-- And "B" -- pbht.
|I don't find him|all that attractive.
I need to work here.
Maybe if he|shaved his mustache.
I'm begging you, please.
Nope.
You know what? Not even if he shaved|his mustache.
Dana And it's not just|the mustache and the guns.
You know what I'm saying? It's his unquenchable desire|to control everything and everyone around him.
Ugh, I hate myself.
I'm sorry.
I have to get back.
Okay.
I'm getting a lock|on my door.
Casey:|Detroit was ominous, where General Manager|Jack Egan told reporters his most recent outburst was|intended to send a message to embattled coach|Lem Goring.
-- Steve.
|-- Not unlike the many messages|I've left for you, Felicia, all of which|have gone unreturned, -- Give him the hook, Casey.
|-- which I have to say is -- We're gonna take|a commercial break.
All those who will be back for|the second half of the show,|take one step forward.
Steve, not so fast.
You're watching|"Sports Night" on CSC, and we can't|believe it ourselves.
Dave: We're out.
|Elliot: Two minutes back.
I'm sorry|about this, Casey.
No problem, partner.
Everybody's allowed a --|a bad night.
Thanks for understanding.
I, uh, I know a thing or|two about unrequited love and -- Oh, look,|here comes Kim.
She's gonna help you|get your stuff together.
And, uh, if Kim can't make you|forget about Felicia, then l|want to meet Felicia.
-- Right.
Right.
|I gotta get it together.
|-- Yup.
Get it together.
You okay in there|by yourself, Casey? Yeah, I'm used to|the lonesome road, Natalie.
I may have had|my share of pain|where women are concerned, but I'm done with that now.
Okay.
Where's Dana? She's with Sam.
Okay.
[ Telephone ringing ] [ Gun cocks ] I see you're still here.
Did you remember|what you needed? Hmm? You came in before,|but you forgot why.
Yes.
Did you come back because you|remembered what you needed? Uh, yes.
What? Scotch tape.
Okay.
Guns kill people, Sam.
They're macho,|and they're redneck, and they're disgusting.
And frankly,|despite all your faults -- The world isn't really|like that, Dana.
It's a more interesting place|than that.
-- Than what?|-- Black and white.
Well, in this particular case,|I happen to be a dues-paying|member of -- Francis Marion was a farmer|from South Carolina -- unschooled,|unsophisticated -- but when the king|sent his army to terrorize|the colonists -- who wanted nothing|more glamorous than their birthright -- Marion and|a hundred other farmers fought them off with this.
They stood up|to the British Empire with that crappy|piece of tin.
Here.
You're a member|of the Anti-handgun Coalition? You gotta learn to separate|the stufffrom the stuff.
What happened|to Francis Marion? I don't know.
When the British retreated|from Charleston, Marion wasn't asked|to participate in the victory celebration.
His men were considered|too ragged too dirty too crazy.
Sounds like your kind|of guys.
Yeah.
Look -- I'm leaving in a week.
I know.
Maybe we should just keep it where it is? Yeah.
Okay.
I gotta get back|to the control room.
Okay.
Hey, Natalie, you think before|we go I might have time to get|a full body piercing? I mean,|I don't want to look weird.
-- Jeremy|-- I'm kidding.
-- I'm very excited to go.
|-- Fine.
What do you suppose all those|people do during the daytime? -- I don't know.
|-- They can't all work|at Tower Records, can they? -- Hey.
|-- Hey.
You punted Steve Sarris? -- Yeah.
|-- Let me see a preview|on the LSU film.
You'd think by now, the people|that work at Tower Records, that somebody would tap them|on the shoulder and tell them that they aren't actually|rock stars themselves.
Can I stretch my legs? Yeah.
[ Door opens ]|You can go, too.
-- I'm fine.
|-- No, you're not.
|Go get her.
[ Door closes ] [ lndistinct voices,|telephone ringing ] I said I'd go.
|What do you want from me? Man, could you do me a few|more favors, Jeremy, I mean,|if it's not too much to ask? -- I know these aren't|your people.
|-- Yeah, when did they|become your people? -- They're not my people.
|-- Then why are we|even talking -- I like lots of different|people, Jeremy! I don't know what I like, and l|don't know why it's important that I have my mind|made up at 26.
Now, it's not like|we go out all the time.
-- We go out a lot.
|-- No, we -- -- We go out a lot!|-- Well, I want|to go out more.
And I said I'd go,|Natalie.
In fact, I've said it|four times now.
You're sitting in there|making jokes, making me feel like|50 cents worth -- You know what?|No, hang on a second.
If you're going to drag my ass|to these places -- and insist|that I enjoy it --|-- Don't.
I make jokes.
|That's me having a good time.
-- At my expense?|-- How is it at your expense? Why can't you go|to these places with me|and have a good time? First of all,|when we go to these places, you're having a good time with|everybody in the room but me.
I'm having a good time with|everybody in the room but you 'cause you're the only one in|the room not having a good time.
-- You sit there --|-- I do my very best,|Natalie.
No, you don't.
You sit there feeling superior,|only you don't feel superior 'cause no one in there|gives a damn that you're|a sports expert.
No, actually, in that|environment, I do feel superior|for a good many reasons, none of which has anything to do|with my sports expertise, nor do I feel superior 'cause|I got to walk by two bouncers|with a clipboard.
I don't get the same thrill|you get from being on the list.
Before we go on, could you make a couple more|trashy accusations about me? Okay, how about you stop|telling me what a drag I am? -- Why are you|so mad at me?|-- I'm not mad at you.
There are things about you|I find unattractive.
There are things about you|I don't like.
Well, there are things|about you I don't like.
And that's the way|it goes.
Are we done? Yeah, we're back|from commercial.
No, Jeremy are we done? Yeah.
Casey: Later in the show,|we'll catch up with the news on the ladies' tournament|in the post-Steffi era.
Don't go away|because when we come back, we'll take a look at one|of nature's newest anomalies -- a soccer game|with high scores.
You're watching "Sports Night"|on CSC, so stick around.