Spun Out (2014) s02e07 Episode Script

Morning, Abby.
Wow, would you guys look at the time! You're gonna be late.
Calm down, woman.
I haven't even had my coffee.
Actually, I wouldn't mind cleaning up a little bit.
Don't worry about that, I'll do that.
I haven't done my share of housework in a little while.
It's so cute that you refer to three years of living together as "a little while.
" Well, today's the day I make up for that.
Chore City, here I come! - Yo, "Mom Abby" kinda rules! - Aw, that's me, giving, nurturing and sweet.
Now get the hell outta here.
Hi! You must be Doug.
- Come on in.
- Wow, this is the nicest AirBnB I've booked so far.
Not a dirty Band-Aid in sight.
Well, you'll be staying in that back room I call The Nelson Suite.
- Appreciate it, hon! - Right, well, you just You make yourself at home.
You gotta be out by 5PM every day, cool? No problemo! Sewer work is a night-time game.
That's what I always said.
OK, buh-bye! Ugh, forgot to ask for the WI-Fi password.
I bet it's "BUTTS.
" Seriously? Well, I'm out of guesses.
Doug! What's the emergency? Oh, it's "BUTTSBUTTSBUTTS".
Yeah, of course you've never seen two squirrels kiss, that's what made it so magical.
Go to Instagram, I just posted it.
Let me guess, Beckett? Oh, here comes your other BF.
Ho, ho! Hey, civilians.
- I'm Jasper's backup today.
- Yeah, it's a ride-along.
Hi.
- He let me frisk him.
- I wouldn't say "let".
- He gave me a gun.
- He brought his own.
- We took it away.
- Probably smart.
Anyway, I promised Gordon I'd introduce him to all - the police dogs.
- I've got ground beef - in all my pockets! - Yeah, first things first, - let's clean that out.
- Fine.
So! How are things going with the hot cop? Well I mean, he's for sure used handcuffs on you, right? You wanted to see me for an unknown reason, sir? Yes.
Congratulations on 20 years with DLPR, Bryce.
Twenty years?! Well, I am certainly blindsided.
Definitely haven't been counting down the days on a calendar at home.
Oh, sir! Is it too early to start crying? Yes.
Cry on your own time.
Just open it up.
Sweet triumphant Zeus! A ticket to the Renaissance fair in Spain? But how will I get there? Jumping noble jesters! The plane ticket to Spain! Ooh, what will I wear? Mother Mary Josephine! A 10th century Norman Helmet with conical top and nasal bar? Oh, sir! This is the best gift I have ever received.
- Aww! - I Ah, what's the matter, Bryce? You don't like it? Oh no, I love it! These gifts mean more to me than my own blood kin.
It's just, well, usually you give me a pen with some version of my name on it, like Bruce or Brace or Tiffany.
I guess I just decided to step up my game this year.
Thank you, sir.
I'm sure.
So, we gotta figure out how to market Christian Mischief, new dating website for the Lord's cheatinist children.
It's like Ashley-Madison for the Sunday morning crowd.
Hey, nerds! I brought you lunch, but you gotta bring your own plates back because I'm not a busboy.
Yeah, if you were an actual busboy you would've brought cutlery.
I'll go get cutlery.
So I've been meaning to ask if Jasper has any hot cop friends, because I have some problems with authority but I'd like to deal with them in the bedroom.
Well, let me tell you, dating a cop isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Jasper hasn't really, uh, flipped on the siren.
Well, maybe he just needs to brush up on his weapons training.
Know what I mean? Learn how to use that gun.
We just don't have that much chemistry.
We just read each other our rights and then fall asleep.
Wow But don't tell anybody, please.
Don't tell Beckett.
- OK.
- Beckett what? Oh, hey.
Nothing.
Really? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I just heard my name.
- No, uh - Biscuits.
- Try again? - Baskets.
- Brisket.
Of course.
Nothing wrong with a couple of girls talking about a slow-cooked meat.
Love it.
- Bus stops.
- No.
Too late.
Oh.
Jasper let me taser a perp! - I let him order at the drive-thru.
- Either way, what a rush.
- Hello.
- Aw, - so cute! - Not squirrel-kissing cute, - but still pretty cute.
- What? Oh, I saw two squirrels kissing and I called Beckett to tell him about it.
Just an inside joke.
Oh, did you see my Instagram? Yes! I'm normally not a fan of Toaster Filter, but somehow you made it work.
I bet they weren't actually kissing.
They were probably exchanging food.
Squirrels don't actually kiss.
But you know what they say: Love makes the squirrel go round! Ha, ha, ha! Jasper, - you kill me! - Alright, time to go back to work.
- Alright.
- No, don't touch my hat.
Hey, can we arrest my uncle? He never has any good stories.
Plus I think he's selling weed.
Doug, hello? - Right here.
Not goin' anywhere.
- Yes, you are.
You are going to work, because those sewers aren't going to clean themselves.
Imagine that, self-cleaning sewers.
Don't go down that fantasy path, Doug.
Not again.
Yo, Abby Road! Do you mind grabbing me a soda from the back of the fridge? - Yeah, I got you.
- Thanks.
- Wow, you're strong.
- Oh! So's your stench.
- Go put some deodorant on, eh? - Strong and honest.
- Yeah, there's no soda in here.
- I meant Beckett's bedroom.
Next to your toothbrush that he sometimes uses.
Oh, hell no! Threw on the BO juice.
This stuff's natural, so it doesn't really work.
Smell ya later! Smelling you now.
Nice try, Abby.
My toothbrush isn't in there.
Did I say toothbrush? Because I meant hairbrush.
- Let's focus.
- Alright.
How do we get supposedly good people to use this site? I would personally never defend cheating aside from this file where we're literally being paid to defend cheating.
So let's say you love your partner, but you just don't have that spark.
You know, the old Yeah, I get it, I get it.
They're your soul mate in every department but the bedroom.
I have heard of people that just can't get it done.
Ugh! OK, you know what, I get it.
Abby told you we're having bad sex.
Haw haw.
Does that make you feel like a big man? Who's having bad sex? What? Um, I left a file in the bathroom.
I gotta go check on it.
Yeah, get the bathroom file.
- OK, bye! - OK.
And then she said she had to get some file and awkwardly left.
Ah-mazing.
Can you believe that I didn't do anything wrong for once? No, I really can't.
Steph tells me everything, but this is one thing I wish I didn't know.
- I kinda feel like I've seen Jasper naked.
- OK, so when you picture him naked, does he have the cuffs? And we're done.
Oh! - Hello, can I help you? - Nah, I'm good.
- OK.
Have I - Are we Oh! - Mornin'! Whew, I'm dirtier than a hog in a heat wave.
You're not supposed to be here for another half hour.
Yeah, shift ended early.
That's the glamour and chaos of sewer work.
Right.
Why don't you hop in the shower? You're a doll.
A human-sized doll.
Abby, what is that? It's in my bedroom too! It smells like manual labour.
No, it doesn't.
Go to work.
I do have to go to work.
Yes, you do.
I know I shouldn't have any before I go to bed, but I like my coffee like I like my women: bitter and keeping me up.
- This is Doug.
- Oh, and what's Doug doing in our kitchen? Well, Doug is my boyfriend.
Sweet! Thought I was getting that vibe.
Hey Bryce, when you're in Spain, I'm gonna need someone to fill in for you.
- Any suggestions? - Well, why don't you just use your secret personal assistant? OK, what the hell does that mean? You know, the person responsible for selecting those, admittedly, spectacular gifts.
He seems ideal.
- How is it that you ruin even presents? - Oh, just admit it! "I, Dave Lyons, had nothing to do with the gifts I gave Bryce McBradden.
" Well, that simply is not true.
And your impression of me is terrible.
Where are you going, sir, confession, so you can admit to the sin of being an absentee gift giver? Not a practicing Catholic.
Well, you should look into it.
The new pope has some very progressive ideas! Behold, - the ten commandments.
- How many commandments? - Ten.
- That's a lot of commandments.
- That's a lot of commandments.
- You're only breaking one of them.
- That ain't bad.
Who was the last major league player to bat .
900? Nobody.
- Nobody.
- If your kid gets 90% on a test, you're not gonna complain.
No, you're gonna put that puppy on the fridge! - You're gonna frame that puppy.
- You're gonna frame that fridge.
You're only doing one little thing wrong! One little thing.
I think we all know that a benevolent God grades on a curve.
Christian Mischief, where the bored and undersexed come to play.
I think you really got something! We'll get back to you after evening prayer.
I've been coveting my neighbour's wife here for quite some time, so if you'll excuse us, we're off to indulge in a rousing session of #7.
OK.
Thank you.
Great.
- That was amazing! - Wow! You know, this pitch really made me realize something.
Yeah? Maybe Jasper and I aren't knocking it out of the park in some areas, but we're great in every other way.
I think we can get better.
Super.
We all got what we wanted.
Abby? Are we gonna watch TV before I go to work? - Nope.
- Abby? - Can you come massage my feet? - No! - Hi, cuties! - Cutes McPoots, welcome home! Oh yeah! So, uh, hey, what's really going on here? Oh, us? Nothing.
We're very happy, aren't we? I'm gonna go hang in my room.
No, no, no, no, you hang here with us.
Heads up, Doug, this is just her fear of commitment coming out.
All Abby needs is a good guy to make her feel safe.
Hey, can you be that guy? I can and I will.
Permanently.
If this is in any way unclear, I live here now.
Wow! This is an exciting new chapter in your life.
Before you know it, I'll be walking you down the aisle.
Whoa! Are you her dad? Well, sir, I think I should live here for at least a week before she becomes the old ball and chain.
You're right.
A week seems fair.
Doesn't a week seem fair? Dougie, don't you have to go to work? She's so dismissive when we talk about our future.
Love you, baby! P.
S.
: maybe when I get home from work we should consummate this thing.
Oh, I shouldn't have said that in front of your dad.
Abby, when am I gonna find my prince like that? You didn't buy me those gifts.
- I have the proof right here.
- Pleasure to see you too, Bryce.
Your credit card statement shows the purchase of a 10th century Norman Helmet on Friday the 17th, at 1:06 PM.
- Wouldn't that indicate I did buy it? - Wrong! Because on Friday the 17th, you and I were in a meeting with Walden Soft Drinks from noon until 2:00.
Ah, right.
That was a terrible meeting.
The CEO was an incessant nose whistler.
Then there's the ticket to Spain.
Oh, my God.
Did you find out Spain isn't a real place? Well, the jig is up, Bryce.
The details on my ticket show my birthday as March 30th, - which is my actual birthday.
- Yes, well, happy belated.
But in my work files, my birthday is listed as October 30th, which I did in an effort to make myself seem younger.
Oh, good move, it's those last two months that really age a person.
So you must have hired someone to break into my apartment and look at my passport.
Finally, there are the treasured Ren-Fair tickets, sealed in a DLPR envelope.
- Where we work.
- Yes, well, I sent that envelope off to a DNA testing facility to check the saliva samples in the envelope glue.
- Oh, good God, Bryce.
- I have the results right here.
When it comes to the seal on the anniversary gift, you, Dave Lyons, are NOT the licker! Well done, Bryce.
And how do you feel? Invigorated! Knowing that I was right all along, that's truly the best gift that You did this on purpose! And why would I do that? Because you know me better than I know myself.
Proving someone wrong, to me, that is the best feeling in the world.
Well, I'm glad you liked it.
Yes.
I don't know how you're gonna top this for my 25-year anniversary.
Oh, easy.
I plan to fire you on your 24th.
Ooh, the unsettling feeling of impending doom.
That's another one of my faves.
Two priceless gifts! If only I could find a way to write them off.
I'm on it, sir.
So you told Abby about our sex life and then you told Beckett, is that correct? That's not important.
Back to us.
Um, I just don't think that we really have the spark, but maybe we could! It's like that dream I told you about.
The one with the ventriloquist? You didn't tell me about that dream.
Oh.
I must've told Beckett.
Yeah, and that's the problem.
You tell Beckett everything.
All your little inside jokes and calls and all the weird people you met, and, "hey, Beckett, I saw two rats kissing, we should talk about it!" They were squirrels.
Look, we talk about silly, stupid, boring little things.
Yeah, that's the stuff I want to hear about.
This isn't gonna work out.
I'm sorry, Jasper.
You know, I'm sorry too, 'cause this could've been great.
I'm a hot cop, you're a beautiful princess our children would've been magnificent.
Lush beards and hair like the sun.
Hey, where's Jasper going? We just broke up.
What? I choose him.
What? Hey, Doug.
What are you doing here? Shift got cancelled.
Sewer backed up.
Isn't that kind of your job? Yeah, but I'm not one of the top guys.
- Oh.
- Hey, - you wanna spoon? I call little spoon.
- No.
Don't really feel the need to do that right now.
Hey, kids! Oh, nice! No, don't let me stop you - from any public displays of affection.
- We won't.
So, you guys been talking about the future? Marriage? Kids? Well, I'm no traditionalist.
I have no problem with children before marriage.
But I do insist that they follow in my footsteps.
The sewer runs through my family for generations.
OK, the whole thing is a sham.
Ha, ha, ha! I knew you weren't actually dating this guy! Is what your father saying true? I can deal with the smell and the filth and the daytime night terrors, but I draw the line at sewer babies.
Fine, you think you're so smart.
I rented your room out to some rando, you found out, so I pretended to care about him.
I'm sorry.
Well, this is news to me.
It pains me to think that this was all about money.
Why do you keep giving your heart away, Doug? You know what? The sewer is full of human waste and rats, and an alligator that I swear ate my friend even though no one believes me.
But what it's not full of is lies.
Well, you know what they say: if you love something, set it free.
And if it comes back, you lock the damn door.
- Oh, I'm gonna lock the door.
- Yeah, yeah.
Guy gives good speech, though.
I don't know, I kind of liked him, for some reason.
I hope he finds someone.
That is exciting news.
I assure you DLPR is happy to have you and all your cheating Christians on board.
- God bless you.
- We did it? - Yeah! - That's great! - We did it! I know! And you know, I could really use the good news.
I just got dumped like toxic waste.
- Wow, I'm sorry.
- Ah, I'm fine.
- It had nothing to do with you know.
- Yeah, no.
You know, after he dumped me, the first thing I thought about was, - "Oh, I gotta go tell Beckett.
" - That's not weird.
We tell each other everything.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess that's it.
- Grab a drink? - No.
Grab several.
- I'm buying.
Oh, I totally forgot.
You know what I saw? - Man on bicycle with a tutu? - No, but that sounds awesome.
A sparrow riding a Doberman.
- What? Oh, I would cry.
- I was gonna call you, but my hands were trembling with excitement.
Break-ups, huh? She was into someone else.
Some wiener who's into squirrels.
My girlfriend was fake and just using me for cash.
Still the best relationship I ever had, though.
What're ya gonna do? Nothin', that's what.
Hey, you got an extra room I can crash in? Yeah, I got a spare bedroom.
- Are you lying to me? - I'm a cop, I never lie.
I love you.
You're gonna take back that offer, aren't you? Just trying to think of a polite way to do it.
Oh, no.
Not that.
Never that.
- Wanna go over that part again there? - Hey, guys! Lush beards and hair like the sun! Hey, where's Darrin going Jasper! - This is going really well.
- Yeah.
I'll do that again, sorry.