Squidbillies (2005) s01e03 Episode Script

School Days, Fool Days

% My dreams are all dead and buried % % Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode % % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % % l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
- Man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! - Do not touch the trim! Nothing binds a father and a son more closely than the truth behind the decapitated hooker in the rec room.
But peewee sports are good at that, too.
Now, Russell, l know your nerves must be a-jingle-jangling about right now.
l just don't want to let you down, daddy.
Son, it ain't about that.
lt's about getting out there and having some fun! Now, you remember that motivatical cheer me and you come up with? - Win or you'll whup my ass? - Correct.
Hands in, on three.
One One? - One! Win or l'll whup your ass! - Win or you'll whup my ass! Wait a minute, boy.
Don't forget your face protectings.
l'm sorry, daddy, l never played soccer before.
And you ain't never going to! Now, get in there and fight like a cock! Let the ground spew forth Where's the ball? as these furious, pumped-up cocks erupt in massive violence.
- l don't like soccer, Daddy.
- Place your bets.
All windows are open.
Only one will survive.
Get a goal for your daddy now.
l'm gonna put me down this many on that there eight-legged chicken to lose.
lt's the 5-0! Griffin! To Beldendorf! Wait a minute.
Where's everybody going? This looks like a good'n.
Finish him! - Sheriff? - Oh, no.
Rusty? - You all right? - Hell, yeah.
Finish him! Hell.
ls that Rusty? lt's Rusty, ain't it? - Hey, Rusty.
- Hey, Granny.
- Hiya, Rusty.
- All right, woman.
Now, get on back to the home where they want you.
- l'm saying hey.
- And say hey to that oxygen tank for me.
- You mean Barry? - Whatever the name is.
Hey, Barry.
l ran into Rusty, and he wanted me to tell How you doing, Early? Lil? Would y'all care to know where l found your boy here? - Nope.
- OK.
- How about you, Early? - Oh, yeah! How was Disneyland, Rusty? Hell, that sounds nice.
Did you run about with that Doofy and Marty Mouse? Yeah, we did all that, but that's not why l come up here.
Why did l come up here? l was having such a good time in Disneyland.
l rode the hell out of Disneyland.
Now they're all looking at me.
Waiting for me.
l'll respond to them in their earth language, l guess.
- Yes.
- OK then.
Get off my land, OK? Have a good'n.
One other thing, Early.
- Your boy needs to be in school.
- School?! Ain't that the damn place where they got all them, let's see, what you call them fold-outs, covered in scribblings, wrote up all over? - Books? - No, no.
Like square, like a magazine.
- Books, Early.
- No, not that, but something like that.
- l want to say boo-- - Look, look, look.
All l know is that if you don't get Rusty in school the Board of Education is going to come up here and kick my ass and l'm going to come up here and kick your ass.
This ass.
School days, fool days! Hell, l couldn't tell you half the mess l learnt in school.
% A, b, c, d, e, f, b % % C, d, e, f, b % % E, d, e, f, b % % A, b, c, d, e, f, b % All right, put them on the hood and spread them.
Come on, Sheriff.
That's a damn record! l never did find out what comes after the ''f.
'' Right.
We can't send him down to the county school because if we keep segregating there, it's gonna be nothing but bathrooms, but maybe you should consider You ain't inseminating l keep him here, are you? Oh, no.
No, no.
Hell, no! - Well, homeschooling is an option.
- What the hell's in it for me? Money.
Today, we's learning about rocks.
They's all kinds of rocks.
These is rocks which you throw.
These here is rocks that you get hit by.
- Damn, daddy! - And this here one is what we call a tooth.
Now l'm fixing to take attendance.
Here we go.
Boy, do you want to pass this class or what? Yes, l do, daddy.
l would like that very much.
All right, then.
When l say Rusty, you say, ''here.
'' All right? Rusty? Now on to history.
What just happened? l don't know.
Well, hell, l don't know neither.
Must be a repossessed memory.
Damn you, party liquor! Now, Rusty, read me something out loud from the assigned text.
Yes, sir.
''They paint these walls to hide my pen ''but this house poet strikes again.
'' ''But this house poet strikes again.
'' Now what do you think this house poet meant by that? Well, maybe he feels oppressed by an Orwellian overlord so he lashes out with guerrilla-style poetry and whatnot.
Yeah, l guess you could go that way with it.
- Continue on with the text.
- Yes, sir.
- ''For a good bj, call 555-0169.
'' - Wait, hold on now! Go ahead and repeat that last stanza again.
- 0169.
- 0169.
Hello? Are you calling about the bj? - l gives the best bj in town, bar none.
- That be blackberry or blueberry? Boysenberry jam, dumb ass.
Them other ones is out of season.
Nope, sorry.
Boysenberries gives me the hives.
All right.
How about l suck your dry behind the dumpster at the Sip 'n Strut? Get your stuff, son.
We got us a field trip.
Now this here is a field and you is gonna take a trip.
- But that's just a damn well, Daddy.
- Correct.
lf you get out, you pass.
Did you throw his ass - down the well? l'm sorry.
- Sure did.
Well, l hope he gets out of there because tonight's the prom.
l remember my first prom.
Would you like to dance with me? l said, do you sumbitches want to dance?! Take him down! l sure hope l get laid.
Me, too, granny.
Me, too.
- Did l pass? - Pass what? The field trip! Nope! Now get your ass washed up, son.
lt's prom night.
Rusty, we've learned a hell of a lot over this past day and you got finals tomorrow, and after that, the future is limited only by damn foreigners what come here and took up all the damn jobs and you can't shoot them because then you're the one at fault! No offense, Ting Tong.
Hell! He's interpretating that all wrong.
- Give me them damn flags! - Excuse me.
l'll show you how to flag dance! You two are just the cutest.
You mind if l steal him for just a little bit of this dance? l'm afraid this handsome fella here is taken.
l just got sassed by a whore! - Back off, you old bitch! He is mine! - Yeah, it's on! Let's see what kind of whore moves you got.
Taste the steel! Oh, yeah.
Ting Tong, you want to dance? Prom's over! Pop quiz! All right, Russell.
How's it going in there, son? Well, pretty good exceptin' there ain't no paper.
Now you are square over the hole, ain't you? Damn! Can l start this thing over? Get out here and take your damn finals! - ls this the test? - Yes, son.
Now there's something you're supposed to do when that train gets barreling on you.
You can stay on the tracks, or you can m-- Malt liquor! - Mufflers! - Come on, Rusty.
You can do it.
- Mecklegriffleso? - Remember what l learned you, son! - l ain't no good at tests! - Damn, boy, why don't you just move? Shut up, bitch! You want to give it away? Come on, son! No! l want to live! l want to live! l want to live, l want to live! - You passed, boy! - l did? l did! Hell, yeah! l'm a high-school congratulate.
- Graduations, Rusty.
- Ain't nothing gonna stop me now but my innate inabilitry to progress cognacious thunk.
All rightie-doody! Now where's that money check? Come to your daddy.
Come on.
- Well, hell, Early, l gave that to Granny.
- What the hell?! Well, l mean, she said she was the principal.
She was the damn tennis coach! What kind of damn BloodLogic