Squidbillies (2005) s01e04 Episode Script

Chalky Trouble

% My dreams are all dead and buried % % Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode % % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % % l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
- Man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! - Do not touch the trim! Naw, l don't need no lnternet.
No, sir.
Not in my life.
- What's that, daddy? - Rusty, what do you think of white people? Well, l l reckon they OK.
l likey my Doobie Brothers.
- He ain't ready.
- That's not rightly fairly.
We all was loving Doobie Brothers.
Yeah, hell, l reckon you right.
Damn them Doobies and they Chinese Grove.
Russell, are you ready for the special night tonight? What we gonna do? Go down to Atlanta and whip our shirts off, start a bunch of bullness? Nope.
Funner than that.
You heard what she said.
Now, go ahead and put your arm up right here.
- Why do l gotta do that for, Daddy? - Witches be gone from his body! My will hath been done.
We ain't driving no witches from his body.
Well, it's done.
Tonight's good old Tuesday's Hate White Rally.
Look at my hand, Daddy.
- Yeah, l see that.
- lt hurts.
Well, y'all need me, l'll be putting pictures of my ass on the lnternet.
Lil, you ain't gonna come out and hate the whites with us? We gonna roast some weenies.
Well, la dee damn da.
All right, then, where was we at? Give us the strength to cleanse the Earth of the milk chalk scourge so they keep 'em away from me.
Dump 'em on the island! Blow up the island.
Look ye upon this cash money a symbol of the white power who would jingle the smartest fool with metally money.
- Burn all the metally money! - Burn it now! - All right, now, Granny.
Burn your money.
- No, thank you.
And these skis, tools of their wicked recreational activities.
Chalk men skiing on his white snow in his tighty whites just like a white wing dove sing a song about what they singing.
- Hoo, baby, hoo, baby, hoo! - Light the damn skis.
That a boy, Rusty! Burn them son-a-bitches.
Embrace the hatred.
They live in houses, don't they, Daddy? Burn the damn house! Guess white people do live in houses.
Hot damn, what about these trees over here? - What about these trees, Granny? - No, the trees are fine.
- Burn the damn trees.
- Burn them! Look, everyone! lt's the creature from the prophecy.
Naw, it's just me.
Help me, Obi Wan, you're my only hope.
For luck.
Get it? Star Wars? Ain't this the sci-fi convention? Enter the circle of fire and answer the inquisitation.
Answer the inquisitation.
Stop those drums, Kevin! Tell me, Sheriff.
What do you What do you think of white people? Well, they're all right, l guess.
l mean, l like them Doobie Brothers.
Doobies aside.
Doobies has been desquawkified.
All right? Actually, Early, l really don't mind whites so much.
l mean, some of my best friends are white.
Like me.
l'm white.
- You what to the what now? - Did l mention that to you boys? Hey, look.
See? White as a Vidalia onion and twice as sweet.
- Oh, no.
- Denial! Denial! l have done deceptified by a Sheriff with ognorance.
Burn the Sheriff.
ls that what this is all about? A Hate White rally? Well, it don't have to be just whites.
l mean, we're all inclusive here, except for them damn whites.
Why do you squids hate whites so bad? Typical.
Whitey needs an explanation for every damn thing.
- Hey, Sheriff, where's your skis? - Yeah, Chalky loves to ski, don't he? Early, we're all the same on the inside.
Here, take a look.
Up my butt.
l've had some pain recently.
- You see anything? - A lot of red.
What happened to the damn house?! That there's a symbol of the evil white chalky man, Daddy.
- lt's a symbol of where l keep my son! - l'll tell you something and l'll say it right now with my mouth and it needs to be listen-ded.
Whites is too deflective with their sheeny skin beating sunlight into my eyes.
Can't tell them apart, looking like lightbulbs with shoes on all be-bopping around all over the place.
Except for you, Sheriff.
You one of the good ones.
- Oh, yeah.
You one of the good ones.
- Thank you, ma'am.
'Cause you got a gun.
Now, Sheriff, unless you come up here to sexotize humpify or bangulate my grandma then l suggest you turn your pretty little whitey wagon around and get on back to chalky town.
l will, Early.
But before l go l'm going to tell you where society would be without the white man.
Eli Whitney, the inventor of the cotton gin.
A white man.
How about Crawford Long? He discovered ether, when he wasn't busy being white.
And you know that Sphinx in the ancient pyramids of Egypt? - Who do you think built those, Rusty? - l don't know.
Chalkasians? Actually, no.
But they were in charge, probably.
Any fans of basketball out there? Here's a name.
Larry Bird.
The inventor of the slam dunk.
That's a signature white move.
Look it up.
Rusty, you know the rap music? l know N.
% The police going straight from the underground % % l don't like a brother 'cause he's brown % Well, those ''N''s wouldn't have any ''A'' at all if it wasn't for the white police state.
ln fact, all music: rock, R&B, gospel, even reggae descended from, you guessed it, whites.
So, now what do you think? How you like me now? What about slavery? Who abolished it? A white man, thank you.
But didn't you whip 'em and stuff? Rusty, if it weren't for us whites, your land right over here would be completely overrun by red lndians.
Hell, no.
Not this land, red man! And your Granny over there? She'd be plunking her life savings into $5 slots at a Cherokee Casino and Spa watching Jay Leno perform for two weeks this October followed by the Beach Boys featuring Mike Love.
Silence the lies! Why do things have to change? We've been hating whites since Jesus was a june bug.
Granny, even he was a white man.
Here, take a look at this novelty plastic Jesus.
Go ahead.
Pull his sandals.
Gotcha! - Now get on back to your teepees! - Folks, my point is this.
- Whites.
- Oh, Jesus.
You're white? ls this true? Yes, child.
lt is l, Jesus.
And you know what? Whether you are white, black, Asian, or Hispanic we are all the same in spirit.
Except for me.
l'm pretty amazing.
- Check it out.
Was this your card? - No, Lord.
- How about this one? - Nope.
- Then it must be this one.
- Naw.
- OK, can l do it from the top? - Have you ever done this trick before? They're stuck is what it is, and it's hard to Was this your card? - No.
- Gonna try it one more time, child of mine.
- Was this your card? - No.
- Was it Was it diamonds? - No.
lt wouldn't be a trick if l told you that.
- Three of hearts.
- No.
Oh, Lord, no.
No, that ain't it, either.
No, Lord.
Now, see, that's the joker.
That shouldn't even be in the deck.
lt's the five of diamonds, Jesus.
lt's always the damn five of diamonds.
There we go! Hurray, magic Jesus! Did he say anything different this time? He says we all gotta love our brother.
ln other words, no.
Thank you, white Jesus! Early, ain't no whites ever bothered you.
l guess you're just hating for the sake of hating.
lt ain't that, Sheriff.
lt's something else.
She was my dream, my muse a vision suitable for the wide screen format.
l can still taste her fist against my face.
The sweet sugary sweat from a lifetime of diabetes.
A heartbeat you could hear from six blocks away one big pump ev'ry hour.
These ain't glazed.
These are powdered cake.
You brainless chugnut.
You can't even get a donut right.
No, no! l can't tell him.
l can't! Get off my ass, demon love! Douse the pain.
Tell me what, Daddy? Santa Claus is dead! - Your mama's white.
- Oh, my God! She's fat as hell, too.