Squidbillies (2005) s01e05 Episode Script

Family Trouble

% My dreams are all dead and buried % % Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode % % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % % l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
- Man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! - Do not touch the trim! Racial tension has divided this country for far too long and now it threatens to claim America's favorite animated family.
Santa Claus is dead! - Your mama's white.
- No, it's a damn lie! l can jump.
See? Cargo slacks are a breeze at Old Air Force, starting at $14.
- No! - Rusty! Rusty! Be still, boy.
There's only five laps to go, and ol' Dick Trickle's about to win this sombitch! Don't let him draft you, dick.
What the? Hell fire, damn! - Daddy, l need to know once and for all - Oh, damn it, not this again.
l told you, boy, if your mama's white, then that makes me a damn chalkie lover.
Now, do l look like a chalkie lover to you? l don't know, Daddy.
You do drink a lot.
Yes, l do, and l fight.
But some other crazy sombitch is the one what bangulated and pregnified that white woman.
lt's not l! So you're saying my mama was white? - Wait a minute.
What did l say? - You said my mama was white and you ain't the crazy sombitch that bangulated and pregnified her.
Your mama was a vision in alabaster a white lily of the field rich with scented pollen and the sweet odor of the morning mist Diet morning mist, actually although sometimes she would drink the regular if they was out of diet.
She was enormous.
Lord, did l love her, for 32 frenetic seconds.
The loving was good.
- Yeah, l remember that lying whore.
- Don't you talk about my mama like that.
- l mean she lies down a lot.
- l meant the 'whore' part.
- Well, l'll stand by that.
- Bitch.
Russell! You need to respectify your Aunt Lil.
She ain't some damn dirty-ass whore that you can trash down, like your mama.
Where my mama's at? l want to meet her right now! Well, get back there on the roof.
You can see her fat ass from three states.
That's fine.
Yeah, you just go on ahead and meet her.
Just remember, l never touched her.
Well, then there's one of me.
Here's one of them, what you call, them glamour shots and what have you.
What do you know? There's me.
Nope, that's a bus.
Am l in any of these pictures, mama? Well Well, look at this one.
l'm about eight months pregnant with you in this one.
Yeah, l sent that in to Spank magazine.
Fools rejected it.
You'd print this, wouldn't you? My daddy said you was like a huge dollop of sour cream.
- Rich and zesty, with a little bit of bite.
- How is your daddy? Oh, he's good.
Just got out of prison not too long ago No, l'm sorry.
Who? l mean, who's your daddy? - Anybody l know? - Early Cuyler? - Tall guy? - No.
- Big belly? - No.
- Red hair? - Not the one.
- Kind of look like Charlie Sheen? - Not him, neither.
- Or is Charlie Sheen? - No, not Charlie Sheen.
- ls he a football team? - No.
ls he the ground keeping crew for the football team? - No.
- Are you sure it's not Charlie Sheen? No, mama! Early Cuyler is the name.
About yea high.
l've been told we look alike, especially in the eye region.
Same shape of the eyes, you know, right here? Well, your daddy, whoever he was surely we loved each other for a period of time.
Of that l am pretty sure.
Mama, why did you give me up? Baby doll, it would kill me to have you to grow up with a mama that didn't love you or care for you or couldn't benefit from you in any way.
- Now do you understand? - l reckon.
All that matters is that we're together now, right, mama? Bring mama a TV.
Son, where do you think you're taking that demon box? l got to provide for my mama now.
All right.
You can tell that old fat-ass bitch l don't remember nothing about her, neither! Did she ask about me? l asked if she asked about me! Yep, it's a good life out in nature.
l ain't never having to go back and forth and in and out.
No EMTs cutting the doors away out here.
Do white people do anything else besides sponge-mop the cracks in their mamas' back fat? That's a good question, little thing.
Let's check the TV.
For real, yeah.
l mean, when black folks use a napkin, they all like ''Damn! that was some good ribs!'' rub it all over they faces.
And white folks, they all dabbing the corner of they mouth and like they taking some sort of fingerprint.
''What a pleasurable meal!'' Tiger, please.
What a pleasurable meal.
l am a white guy.
- Like that, mama? - Yeah, son.
Why don't you roll me over, pumpkin? l feel a sore coming on.
- l told them l couldn't fly a helicopter.
- l told you l ain't moving, Sheriff.
You've got to take me in dead or alive.
The statute of limitations passed on that loitering charge.
Congratulations, Krystal.
You've been recognized as a landmark.
What a pleasurable Sheriff.
Rusty, what you doing down here? Getting a little piece? l should be outlawed.
You ain't gonna talk about my mama like that, you son of a bitch! Mother? How old are you, Rusty? You about 15? Give or take, as the crow flies.
Fifteen years ago, the world was a much different place.
The Berlin Wall had just crumbled.
l thought l could handle cocaine.
l really did.
l lost everything.
And a young deputy sheriff was learning that you can't defy the laws of love or nature.
l got a report here that says you won't leave the premises.
Are you staging one of them protests? l's staging a wet T-shirt contest.
You hang around a while, and you might just get to judge.
And there it was The very first nipple the Sheriff had ever seen.
Shove this in your eyeballs.
lnterestingly enough, it was also the first lawn sprinkler he had ever seen.
So between the nipple and the lawn sprinkler the glistening young deputy sheriff became a man.
l'm free! l'm free! - Rusty, l am your daddy.
- Oh, you think? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, just look at the shape of our eyes.
Exactly the same.
Krystal, l suppose we ought to get married.
- What for? - Come on.
You and l both know what happened, hmm? About 15 years ago on this very spot.
You made me play pattycake.
Unprotected pattycake.
This has happened, son.
Well, now, la di da.
Howdy doody to you, Krystal.
- Early.
- lt's been many years, but you - You ain't moved a bit.
- Be respectful now.
This woman here is the mother of my child.
Your child? Hell, no.
This here is my boy.
And yeah, that's his mama.
But you, you're probably the one that had the sexuals with her.
l refuse to touch the soft, creamy, plump Damn! Get your filthy squid hands off of my hinter land.
l love you.
l'll kill you, bitch! - Early? - No, Daddy, no! l told you, Rusty.
l'm your baby daddy.
- Daddy.
- Sheriff.
There's only one way to capture the elusive bunfish.
- Ain't that what you was talking about? - No.
We were discussing this boy's paternity.
l couldn't hear 'cause l was down there.
Whose bicycle is this? Rusty? Piss on that there rabbit.
lf he dies, l'm your daddy.
Early, there's more scientific ways of doing this.
Do it anyway.
So, we'll apply a presecreted bladder fluid to the exoderm of this furry mammal and we'll look for signs of mortification or terminalicity of the affected region.
So l'm gonna need a urine sample from you and you.
Well, l pee sitting down.
Any approach you choose is fine.
Excuse me, sir? Sir, not in my plastic ficus, please.
lt's Relax, brainiac.
l filled your jar up.
My goodness! This looks to be about 80 proof straight bourbon whiskey.
Give it back! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Somebody's pregnant.
Actually, doctor, we're here to find out who the daddy is.
Of who? This rabbit? This is dead.
No, not the rabbit.
The boy there.
l'm afraid science can't tell us everything, little man.
- Now, that's interesting.
- What? This rabbit's been hit by a hammer.
Well, let me get my vaporologist in here.
Bug, get in here.
This rabbit's been hit by a hammer.
Sure has.
ls that why you dragged me in here? Dr.
Bug, have a look at these various smokes and vapors.
- Do you see what l'm seeing? - l reckon so, yeah, and all them.
Your young un over there is an only child.
lf it's purple, doesn't it mean he has a twin brother? Shut the up, man! Only child.
You're an only child.
Squids! You're a squid, right? Shut the up, Jerry.
Only child.
Only child.
No twin.
Only child.
Man, l should be outlawed.