Squidbillies (2005) s02e10 Episode Script

Burned and Reburned Again

% You run off & took our only chicken % % When l broke jail the house was burnt and bare % % The Japs moved the plant back to Osaki % % Some days life just don't seem that fair % % l don't even care, l just don't give a damn % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
- Man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! - Do not touch the trim! When you're up in the mountains by yourself and you're ugly and you're small you're bound to be lonely.
l mean, look what he's about to do.
You awake? She's been out a couple of days.
Avert your eyes, now.
We about to bond as a family.
- Daddy, what you doin'? - What? Hell, she was lookin' at me.
We shared a damn moment! - Early, your own sister?! - But l'm about to lose my mind! l got to get me some strange! Go get you some! Go get you some damn strange, Daddy.
Hell, yeah, Daddy You awake? That's right.
Two trucks.
Sandwiching a boat.
l tool around town just a-hollerin'.
But enough about me.
You ain't bed down with Uncle Travis, have you? Early Hell, that sumbitch got the herpes simplex version one.
l can't be attractin' that mess.
Well, you ain't even gonna get that far meeting her in a filling station toilet.
l need to be close to them erotic oils in case things heat up.
- 50 cents.
- That is a good price.
Hey, darlin'.
That there's the key to my heart you holdin'.
Wait a minute! Come on back here! Hey, darlin'! - Just let her go.
- Damn internet datin'! % l brought her lots of pinecone liquor for chuggin' % % l gave her eight strong arms' worth of huggin' % % Two hearts in love, we would frolic in the sand % % She tossed me up and cupped me in her meaty hands % Hell, yeah! % l was walkin' tall, my backbone straight % % And that ain't easy for invertebrates % % But the tide would turn and this squid would learn % % l'd meet my match, then l'd get burned % % Then we'd laid down and conceived us a young'un % % But she forsook me and our son for another % % l'd been so proud of our little family clan % % Till l caught her tradin' tongues with old snake man % % Now she's officially my ex % % Though l really do miss the sex % % To her l shall not return % % l met my match and l got burned % % Yes, l've cut her from my heart % % Like a big, loud, stinkin' fart % % To her l shall never return % % l met my match and l got burned % % Burned % What do you want, chug nut? l was on my way to go frog giggin' down there at the creek and l thought to myself ''what's this fat-ass whore doing down here whilst l'm so successful?'' You ain't got no body.
No-money-havin' green face of yours.
Damn it, you about an inch away from the end of your damn life! We married! Someone grab the front end quick! You need some help, Daddy? Hell, yeah! l got me a momma! - l ain't no bastard no more! - Congratulations, y'all.
Get your stupid ass out of here! l'm actually here about the domestic violence call.
Oh, no, that was earlier.
l got that low blood sugar thing and a hotdog l had for breakfast this morning, awesome.
- We in love now.
- You bet we are, darlin'.
Now get out of here.
We about to conjulagate this union.
- Get some, Daddy! - Remember, no sodomy, now.
Come on, let's cut this thing loose! What's happening in there? - Granny, shut up.
- Describe it.
Oh, my God.
l think he's trying to eat my momma! No.
l said the market piggy.
Wee-wee-wee all the way home died in the stroke.
Like this here? This one? - No.
- They all big.
No, no, no.
This ain't right.
l just don't feel comfortable here.
l thought about that, darlin' and l got some of your personal effects to make you feel more at home.
Where are you puttin' that mannequin leg? - l'm sorry, darlin'.
l didn't - No, the chicken bones go over here.
- Oh, l'm sorry.
- You don't know me.
You don't know me at all! l gotta go chop me some wood! Daddy, why you goin' to chop wood in the bathroom? - With a tire? - lt gives me peace of mind! And l want me some lipo.
Get down to triple digits so l can look fine for those glamour shots that you also goin' be gettin' for me.
And l want five babies.
l want 'em all colored the same color.
l want white color babies.
Today! Well, you know, we got that one son He's too old.
l want the little baby kind that l can leave in a hot car when l'm playing video poker.
Ever since l was a girl, l dreamed of that.
l got a few minutes before work.
We can start on them babies right quick.
No.
l need to save my energy.
Why don't you lay off the booze, pal? OK, then.
l'm off to work.
But l'll probably chop myself a little wood over in the shed first.
lf you come home early, you gonna get a big surprise.
Really? Good morning, Glen.
How was your weekend? All right then.
See y'all tomorrow.
l got me some lovin' waitin' at my place.
Whose damn bus is this? 'Cause it is fine! Look at that horse up there.
lt looks like a real horse.
- How's it goin', there? - Get out of my way.
- Krystal! - Hey, baby.
These are my friends.
Don Barnes and Donnie Van Zant Danny Chauncey, Larry Junstrom Bobby Capps, and Gary Moffatt.
- Say hey.
- Dude, how's it going? .
38 Special? How the hell you boys doin'? Man, we're just hangin' out.
lt says here you s'posed to be playing up in Pittsburgh tonight.
That shirt's from 1984.
That ain't this year! What's goin' on here? Oh, no, baby, come on.
lt's harmless.
We just nostalginin'.
Yeah, those were some good times this afternoon, when we all took turns makin' love to you.
Daddy, them pyrotechnicals was amazing.
You should've come early for Wet Willie.
They really got the crowd goin'! - Damn it, we made us a vow.
- Early, l'm a married woman.
l didn't let none of them buy me nothin'.
That's for you.
Nine, ten! % So caught up in you, little girl % % And l never % l got to go chop me some damn wood! % And baby, it's true, you're the one % How we s'posed to be fruitful and multiply when this one's out in the shed makin' it with a radial tire? l don't do that.
How'd you know about that? - Chop you some wood.
- lt's a physical thing.
Ain't no emotional connection to it.
l'd be fine if l could just get it once! See there? He called it ''it.
'' Where's the respect for my vagina? Come on, now.
You know l don't mean nothin' bad, sugar chunk.
- Tell her, boys.
- Sorry, man.
.
but you really need to be more sensitive, like .
38 Special is.
Hey, baby, how's your momma and them? They fine.
You wanna do me? - You need to respect my boundaries! - Let's just lf l may.
Early, now, l'm not saying you do or don't do things with that tire but perhaps leave it in the shed.
And Krystal, maybe don't have sex with .
38 Special quite so much.
Man, that sucks.
And if you can make these tiny changes l'm sure the good Lord will shine His light down upon you.
Well, l can try.
Well, l'll try if you try.
l can't ask for more than that, darlin'.
- No means no! - lt needs new batteries.
- You 'bout to buy them batteries yourself - How many times l gotta tell you? lf you don't, l'm going to have to beat 'em out of you! Damn, darlin', l'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
l won't talk out of turn.
.
That domestic disturbance still goin' on? Hope nobody got killed.
Sorry l was late.
Just that l got a tire gone missin'.
We ain't seen one of them.
How'd you get that shiner, boy? You know carryin' on at the mouth like l do.
l probably deserved it, you know.
That bitch there done it.
Sucker-punched me right in the eye.
All right, then.
Come on, Granny.
Let's go.
Come on, Daddy.
Tell the truth.
lt wasn't Granny.
- l hate to do this.
- lt was Momma.
Grabbed you by throat, punched you, knocked you down made you pee on yourself, you got all whupped kicked you in the face, embarrassed you in front of me.
- You got your ass whooped.
- Run along now, Russell.
You go on and play your video game.
You got me a video game? Hell, yeah! Get back, aliens! l'm gonna kick yo' ass! Krystal, l'm afraid l'm gonna have to take you in.
lf l can, let's see, figure out how to.
Early, baby, don't you understand? lt's just that l love you so much and that's why l've got to keep you in line.
lt's for your own good.
Someday you'll see that.
Just take her from my sight.
Early, l might need that.
Sheriff, don't.
Let him have this moment.
- You ever seen a truckboat truck? - He's happy.
That's right.
Two trucks.
Sandwichin' a boat.
Gonna make you do 140.
% You're the one that's got me down on my knees % % And baby it's true % % You're the one who taught me, baby % % You taught me how good it could be % BloodLogic