Squidbillies (2005) s02e11 Episode Script

Terminus Trouble

% My dreams are all dead and buried % % Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode % % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % % l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
Hey, man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! Do not touch the trim! - Come on, Daddy, l'm ready! - You ready? l'm ready! - Come on, get me wet! - l'm about to do it, come on! - Now, Daddy, do it! - Get him soaking wet! Here l go, here l go! l'm gonna do it! - Dump it! - l'm about to do it! l'm gonna do it! Bash him with that bucket.
l'm stroking out.
- Daddy, you gonna do it or what? - Scream for it! Let's go! Dump it, Daddy! Summer fun! Sumbitch, it's dirt.
That's Lil's ashtray.
Now clean it out but not in the pool.
The pool is mine! Summer fun.
You know, we do have State-wide water restrictions in effect, don't you? Stop right there.
- Now go away.
- No, l'm afraid l can't, Early.
See here.
The Atlanta police sent this in.
Got it on the wire first thing this morning.
Does it come in a wallet size? Hell, this warrant's over 20 years old.
l guess they figured out your real name ain't Awesome Bill from Dawsonville.
- Yeah, it is.
- No.
No, it's not.
Dammit to hell.
You know, too? Now, Daddy.
What did you do down there in Hotlanta? Well, what can l say, son? lt was the eighties.
l was a young man.
l yearned for something more, so l embarked on a journey down there to find myself.
Donkey Kong! My art was everything to me back then.
That weekend.
And beer, too.
Two cases.
l drank every one myself, that was good.
l told them they had the wrong green two-foot talking squidman still wearing the same hat in this photo.
You damn right you did.
''Thank you'' is also something you could have said there.
But the point is, you probably ought not ever go back down to Atlanta.
Atlanta? That place was funner than hell! - Y'all want to go down there? - Hell, yeah! Early, no.
- You think l could go, too? - Hell, yeah.
Can you drive? Boy.
l love Atlanta! Well, here we are.
Terminus, capital of the dirty South.
Rising like a phoenix from the ashes of the civil war.
Y'all recognize this place here? This is the place where Kenny Rogers shot that scene with the kids in Six Pack, ain't it? 1982.
The Coward of the County his own self stood right here.
But hey, Atlanta's got a hell of a lot more to offer than just this.
This is CNN the world's only So this is where that liberal, Jew-run propaganda machine shoves their spin down our throat.
That's right, Rusty.
And lookee here.
l bought you a liberal Jew-run snow globe.
- Thank you.
- Catharsis! Stone Mountain.
The world's most appropriately named mountain in the South-East.
And look, carved there on the side the four horsemen of the Confederacy: Stonewall Jackson, Robert E.
Lee Jefferson Davis and Pac-Man.
A rebel's hero.
Come up there to Gettysburg, and kick some damn ass.
lf it weren't for Pac-Man, we might have lost the damn war.
Yep, Stone Mountain.
Truly, Atlanta is an international city.
But there is one place we forgot and this place is known the world over and it's gonna blow your damn socks off, boys.
This is the spot where Kenny Rogers shot that scene with the kids in Six Pack.
- Yeah, we done been here once - Yep, Atlanta's got it all.
Excitement, you say? Well, try The Battle of Atlanta.
Boy, it's just like being there.
Hell, watch out, Rusty.
There is a musket ball! Fooled ya! lt's just the world's largest painting.
So it is.
Let's go.
Hey, Daddy, it's like the painting's doing a dang doughnut around us.
- Look at that thing.
Baby! - l know, Rusty.
- lt's all so exciting, ain't it? - Come on! The Atlanta Braves.
Shut up, shut up, now.
They're fixing to start now.
Ladies and gentlemen get ready to round the bases with the Dan Halen Yard and Garden Center Tool Dash! Tool race! We gonna run today! Who will win? The extension cord.
Up there.
That's my boy.
- The extension cord? - Go, baby, go! The 4x8 sheet of half-inch plywood? Or the six-piece teak patio furniture set? Hell, no! The dropcloth always wins anyway.
l'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Yeah, the extension cord! Extension cord! l don't know.
They turn that plywood sideways - ain't gonna have no drag.
- Shut your damn mouth.
What the hell you gawking at, butt-nut? You better swivel that damn face back around.
- And they're off! - Yeah, yeah, Extension Cord Extension Cord all the way! Out to an early lead is Plywood! Get your damn stringy, mother-- orange ground three wire U.
listed ass moving! Today, you m-- son of a b--! Excuse me, could you not say - Russell, seize the chilli dog.
- Thank you, Daddy.
Oh, no! Teak Furniture has blown a chair! - Oh, you mother-- son of a bitch! - Go, Extension Cord! And Plywood catches a gust! Extension Cord passes on the right.
You better suck on that, you other inanimate sale items.
lt's all over! No one's going to catch Extension Cord! - Hell, yes! - But what's this? Paint Dropcloth has climbed out of the stand and joined the race! - No! - Unimaginable! Hell, no! That's illegal! He can't do that mess! lt's going to be close! Christ on his throne, a tie! lt's a tie! Who could have seen this coming? You know, the Paint Dropcloth always wins in the end on this thing.
Well, now, how is this decided? Cage match! lntimidate the cloth! You know the way.
Eye of the tiger! Eye of the tiger! Are you ready? Are you ready? Time! And it's over! Damn! Paint Dropcloth wins by a choke-out.
Now on sale for 14.
Offer not valid in conjunction with The Paint Dropcloth always wins these things.
Look at that, Early.
Runners on the corners.
Don't you tell me to do nothin'.
l ain't in the mood to comply.
He's getting a lead, Early.
Check it out.
Oh, no.
- ls that sumbitch cutting his eyes at me? - No, Early.
- l think he's just giving the steal signal.
- No, no.
That ain't gonna do No, Early, l don't think he's looking at you.
l think he's giving the Oh, Lord.
Rusty, your daddy knows better than to go down Rusty? Hell.
l think we've seen enough of this.
We submit this footage as exhibit ''A,'' your honor.
Than ain't me.
See? No hat.
Well, this is clearly you on the reverse angle.
lsn't it? No.
Still don't see the resembletance.
How about the wacky blooper reel? Look at that! lt's funny, but still not me.
All right, then, the kiss-kam.
Daddy, l think that is you.
Yeah, so does the State.
- l would like to rebutt, if l may.
- l'll allow it.
Now, playbackanate that tape.
Yeah, yeah, backertize it up.
Backer, backer, more backer.
See, l'm replacing his blood.
Look, l'm helping him up off the ground and unkicking his balls! - Hell, yeah, Daddy! - There's your proof right there.
OK, all right, now, zoom in.
You can't really do that.
That's kind of a sci-fi thing actually.
That's a shame.
'Cause if you could then you would see that my hat clearly reads ''Gyneacologist, Saturday nights only''.
That's funny as hell.
l got that sumbitch at a truck stop in Ellijay.
- Mister - Awesome Bill from Dawsonville.
Cuyler, you have a problem driving under the influence, don't you? No.
Actually l'm pretty damn good at it.
As a matter of fact, you are quite good at it.
You've been arrested for it, repeatedly, haven't you? l don't remember that, now.
What happened? - You've got three D.
-Three? This week alone.
And it's not even Thursday.
Well, at this time, l'd like to call for a recess! Open the door! Let my ass out! Sheriff, get me out of this damn mess! Help me, Sheriff! l don't think Sheriff's here, Daddy.
You are under arrest for having a damn good time.
Before l pass sentence what do you have to say for yourself, Mr.
Cuyler? What in the hell would you do? That sumbitch looked at me crossways.
He looked at you crossways? - That's your defense? - Yeah.
He looked at me crossways.
Counsel, approach the bench, please.
You're looking at an uphill battle here, counselor.
l mean, he did look at him crossways.
Yeah, that's what he said.
l mean, you know, this is Georgia.
We are still very backward in many ways.
Your honor, l inquest to adjust the bench, if l may.
- Proceed.
- Suck on this, sumbitch! l'm the hell out of here! You're actually free to go, Mr.
All charges have been dropped.
What if l don't want to go? You ain't heard my grievances yet.
Judge, he likes it better when he feels like he's got ahead of you.
Quick, he's escaping.
Open the door! Let my ass out! Let me out of here, God dammit! Let me the sumbitch out of here.
Someone get him! Before he gets hurt and tries to sue us.
Could someone please just help him with the knob? Phil, go ahead and help him with the knob.
Hell, yeah! We on the lam! Let's get wild! We doin' doughnuts, ain't we, Daddy? Yeah, you wild.
Good doughnut, son.
Good doughnut.
Come on, baby! We doin' some doughnuts! Look at me go, Daddy, look at me go on this thing, all spinning around, Daddy.
l'm gonna tear it up now.
l'm burning some damn paint, boy.
Burning some rubber.
Come on! Wild as hell! BloodLogic