Squidbillies (2005) s02e12 Episode Script

Survival of the Dumbest

% My dreams are all dead and buried % % Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode % % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % % l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
Hey, man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! Do not touch the trim! ln the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then he called light he renamed the day to light and the night he called the dark - but the light was called day.
- Get with the story, woman.
Then he took to making stuff like, he made trees birds bears Too many bears.
Shoulda dialed back on the bears.
And so he dialed back on the bears and the bears, what was left were cloaked in acid-washed denim and steeply stones of rhine Just get to the damn good part.
Finally, the great creator clapped His mighty hands and said By Christ of blood, Christ.
stuff and then he reached into his magical hat and pulled out a squid made of his own image.
- And that squid was me? - Yes, my child.
- No.
- No, my child.
Sorry.
lt was me.
Now, come on, tell him what the Lord done next.
Well, then he reached down into the squid and pulled from him a rib.
Two racks of ribs! Washed that sumbitch down with a watermelon full of all-weather coolant.
Then it was on! Took them homemade ski-doos out to Lake Hartwell.
Lit that sumbitch up! l know, l know, glory days and all but it all happened.
Wasn't that what you done on Labor Day weekend? That's what we talkin' about, right? Kick-ass weekends? l tear it up on the weekends.
No, you was tellin' me about the Bible, where we come up from and all that.
Right.
ln the beginning, God created This is a bunch of damn mess.
Come on, boy, it's time for soccer practice.
Now the Europeans would call this here football, but l don't.
l call it bass fishing 'cause that's what it is.
Hey, Daddy, would you hook me a worm? No.
Couldn't afford no worms.
Yep, yep lt's gonna be a long day.
- Hey, what's up? - Oh, my God, a talkin' squid! Don't scare him now.
- Shiny, shiny.
- Come on.
- Eat it.
- Precious.
You guys should hop in.
l mean, the water's great.
Look at that boy.
He's swimming around in the dag water, Daddy.
- l'm gonna get in the water.
- No, son! - Lemme get in that water! - We can't survive in that water.
No.
You come from water.
We all do.
You know, in the beginning the big ocean filled with the amino acids and electrically charged isotopes and the atoms became cells the cells became organisms.
Only the strong survived.
Only the strong survived! We're number one! America! lt's just natural selection.
l mean, the change and the heritable traits of a population.
He's really bleeding.
Just tap out! Hell, yeah.
Hey, guys, l mean, you read this, right? lt's in books.
You know all this, OK? Then there was the cataclysm.
The earth was ripped! Waters receded and many of our kind perished except for one.
And that squid was me? - No.
- lt was me.
- No.
- Damn.
So it was him? - Hell, yeah, it was me! - Gratutations, son.
- l told you it was me.
- You got it.
- l know it was me.
- Look.
lt was your great ancestor.
She was blessed with both gills and lungs.
She bought a wig, dropped out of high school and spread her heritable traits to future generations through a series of sordid encounters with various creatures behind the Thrift-N-Sip.
Now, you're saying my great-granny was a skank-ass ho bag? No, it's cool.
l'm not judging.
- lt's the law of nature.
- Survival of the f-- Survival of the what? That's what l thought.
Don't you never call me no queer in front of my boy.
l don't think he called you queer, Daddy.
Semantics! Now, he said electronic impulses shot through them amino acids and protein strings sparked mutations and all to help better adapt our ancestors to life above the water.
- Now, that's just dumb.
- Well, then, how did we get here? - Not by the hand of God! - What's all this, now? Well, son, you're a concoction of Satan a red devil sent here to break my faith.
Deliver me! Russell, you just need to learn from the Good Book.
This one? How Stella Got Her Groove Back.
No, no, no, son.
Those are the bad books! - Burn 'em all! - Burn them, burn! - Burn the authors.
- Burn them all! A Brief History of Time as read by Steven Hawking.
ln the beginning, there was a very dense ball of matter at the center of the universe.
% Jesus loves me this l know % % For the Bible tells me so % % Yes, Jesus loves me % % Yes, Jesus loves me % % For the Bible tells me so % - Hey, Sheriff.
- Hey, Rusty.
Listening to that new Stephen Hawking book, are you? He ain't much for talking, but he's got a beautiful singing voice.
Yeah, well, the County wanted me to update the educational materials, you know? l am the law.
So it was only a theory that Stella got her groove back? - Unless you can prove it.
- l'm so damned confused.
- What do you believe, Sheriff? - Beliefs? lt ain't got nothing to do with beliefs, Rusty.
l deal in facts.
You see, Rusty, people are grown in fields like this one.
Oh, my God! Now, Rusty, God's not a factor here.
You see, the Dougal County Sheriff's Office is a front for Serpents ln The Round.
lt's a shadow government run by Dan Halen.
See, our scientists have developed these man-stalks capable of growing a battalion of nicotine-addicted super warriors with marginal strength and hyper-sensitivity to pain.
- Rusty, is that you? - Step in line, soldier! You were meant to kill, not greet.
- Rusty, is that you? - Hey, Rusty.
- Rusty - Rusty Hey, Sheriff.
Hey, all y'all Sheriffs.
- Rusty - Hey, man.
l might have said too much.
This could jeopardize the entire operation now.
You know what? Here, put this in your ear, would you? - No, please! - lt only hurts for a second.
No, please, l won't tell anybody! Really? Oh, boy, that'd be so great.
You don't even know how much trouble l'd be in if this got out.
This is my last mind worm.
- We'll see you, now.
- We'll see you all later, now.
Go on.
- See you later.
- We'll see you later, now, Rusty.
Rusty, if you want to know how we got here you ought to ask a caveman.
They was the first people.
And that's why the government let them build the damn casino.
They got dibs on the land.
Now they come around saying they found one of them fish-o-pods.
You know, fish with feet.
So how does the Bible reconcile that? Rusty, stop pestering illusionist David Blaine.
Come here and look at this.
So we did rise up out of the mud.
No! lt means this here machine's supposed to pay out double.
Sumbitch ate my quarter.
l want a manager.
Flip this sumbitch over and get my money! All right, which one of you sumbitches is the manager? Hey, how'd y'all make out at the casino? Shut that damn laughy trap.
Hell, next time, they gonna comp us.
- l ain't going back in there.
- They gonna fly us out there, son.
Free breakfast? Hell, yeah, you're going.
All right.
lt don't matter.
l can't find no answers any which where.
Russell, darling, you need only look inside yourself and l think you're gonna like what you find.
Ain't nothing in there but organs and farts.
l have the answer, son.
We is going back in time! - Where we gonna get a time machine? - Alabama! All right, boy, calibertize the time machine for beginning of time.
And now to unlock history's mysteries! Oh, no.
No, no, no, no! Stop the time machine! Stop the damn time machine! Uncalibertize! Daddy, you're back! Come on, tell me what you learn? That we got ripped off in Alabama! This sumbitch is a damn dud! Well, it says right here, ''Gigantic delayed'' Gigantic delayed what, son? Son? Look at that mess! Hold on, Daddy! l'll get your brains back! Hold on.
Almost got him.
Never mind the brains, son.
Get my - You want the hat? - No! My hat?! Hey, Jesus, while l got you here my boy over there was wanting to know the truth about creation and Let me ask you, Early.
What do you think? Dammit, my other hat! Look at that old boy over there.
He is fubar! BloodLogic