Squidbillies (2005) s02e13 Episode Script

A Sober Sunday

% My dreams are all dead and buried % % Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode % % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % % l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
Hey, man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! Do not touch the trim! Sunday, the day of rest.
And yet your mind is constantly working.
When does it get to relax with a cold one? Aren't you sick and tired of remaining sober - Hell, yeah.
- one whole day a week? Hell, yes'm.
Proposition 421 would finally allow alcohol sales on Sunday, giving you the freedom that your forefathers intended.
- Hell.
- Hey! Jesus loves you.
Why doesn't the Government? Vote yes on Proposition 421.
- Brother Early! - Hush.
Shut the hell up.
Just turn it down a wee bit lower during the moment of silence.
Hey, boy, let's us have some communion.
You know, we only do that on special occasions.
- You saying the Lord ain't special? - No! - ls that what you're implifying? - What l mean is Here's to ya, Jesus.
One solid dude.
Early, you know we changed that to grape juice.
Dammit! - Put down the chalice, now - Pick up the money, take the money.
- Early, no! - Early, yes! Don't forget to bring the plate back! Good luck buying on Sunday! l'll have me three cases of Glug Lite lce.
Yes, sir, yes, sir.
Jug of Wild Cherry Nightmare, chilled.
Chilled, yes, of course.
Early, don't hurt me, don't hurt me.
And a wax rose for my lady.
Early, you buying this with money? Nope! That's good, 'cause you're not supposed to buy alcohol on Sunday! And you can't brush your teeth without a damn hook.
You done shot off Pearl, my love hand.
l was gonna come see if you wanted to play racquetball but now l guess we'll just be doing this, won't we? Well, lookee here.
Says Dan Halen's funded some kind of clone farm out in Shaver county.
- That don't seem legal.
- Or ethical.
Maybe y'all should do a little less reading and a little more trash taking out.
You ain't my daddy.
l can do what l want.
- You think l'm drunk? - Yes.
You give me that breatheramatornator and light it up.
We'll see.
Now, just take this here and put the blue end in your mouth.
l know the damn drill.
Been pulled over many times.
Three more seconds.
- 0.
63? - Hey, that's good, ain't it? Boy, that's well beyond human limits there.
- For real? - Early, what are you doing? - Making a cocktail.
- Early! Just a little hair of the dog.
Now, that ain't gonna work, Early.
The alcohol, see, is filtered out in the liver and stored in the pancreas l think.
Can you just point to it.
Hey, Daddy.
Ain't you gonna beat my ass? Work out your frustrations? About always being behind the 8-ball and everything? Being this close to something real just to get knocked back down again? Yeah, then you finish with him and take to wailing on me.
You know You challenge me on something l can't possibly answer like ''Hey, why's it still dark, bitch?'' - That sounds like something l'd say.
- Then you unleash the thunder.
My patience is thin.
Anyway, how was your day, son? lt was good, you know.
l mean you didn't whoop my ass or nothin'.
That's always a plus.
All in all, it was a pretty good day.
Didn't ask you, but all right.
So, you all want to go to town and get some ice cream on your daddy? You talking about ice cream? Hell, yeah, l'm gonna go Hell, no, that's stupid.
l can't even tell a damn funny joke with you dumb asses.
Now, you fetch me some damn drinking liquor.
Come on, Daddy, you ain't got to drink to have fun.
Why don't you stay around here with us? Look, there's a new spider web.
l'll get him.
Son of a Help me l gotcha.
Don't tell Momma, OK? You know it was wrong to lie to your mother.
And dismount! Stuck it.
Perfect ten, bitches.
Dammit, l'm bored! But we broke Mom's vase and we're never gonna put it back together again! Dammit, what the hell are you watching? Good Times.
Go, J.
Turn it.
l like Good Times.
You 'bout to have you some bad times when l drop an atomic elbow on that damn skull.
You understand what l'm saying, little gal? You better listen to me! l'm gonna crack that damn orbital bone! Yeah.
You ain't as strong when you're sober.
Dammit, l need me some liquor! We don't sell alcohol on Sunday - or ever.
- What the hell did you say? This is a private residence.
l'm sorry for the forced intrusion.
How you doing, Glen? l didn't know ya lived here.
See ya Monday! What the hell Sorry, you can't buy on Sunday here.
Dammit! That's a bunch of horse sh-- - Sundays are dry here, too.
- Hell.
But the age of consent's only 14.
Come on in, get you a wife, stay awhile.
Don't mind him.
He's just after tourist money.
Dear Lord please allow this dangerous combination of hair spray, bat slobber and D.
four automatic transmission fluid to excite my mind, occupy my spirits and enrage my body provoking me to kick any man or woman in the back of the head regardless of what he or she has or has not done unto me.
All my best, Early Cuyler.
Damn, that was gonna be a lambic triple boch.
lt don't have to be this way.
You vote yes on Prop 421.
Phil, stand down! Get off your duff, make a change.
Every vote makes a Sorry, Early, that's my twin brother Phil from Kansas.
Sorry, Early.
Just my twin brother Phil from Kansasagain.
Sorry, Early, that's just my Phil brother twin from Kansas.
Sorry, Early, that's just Sorry, Early - Sorry, E-- - Sorry Don't mind him.
His name's Phil.
Calling all clones report to the Courthouse at once.
See ya later.
Vote yes, good citizens, on Proposition 421.
Vote no on Prop 421! lt's the tool of the devil.
Represents and symbolizes all that is evil.
Sing it out.
- Vote no on Prop 421 - Oh, come on, Reverend! Allow these free men and women to speak their minds.
Democracy is all about individual lib-- Clone army in position, sir.
All right, you stupid clones go forth and vote yes! Do my bidding! Get in there, you pathetic sheep.
You must be Phil.
l've heard so much about you About y'all.
No, no, no! ln there! The courthouse, you stupid clones.
Obey me! lce cream? No, no! lnside where the voting where them both is! - lce cream.
- lce cream! l will give you ice cream after the vote! l have ice cream here! Look! And a child will lead them.
- You got the wheel, biggun'? - Hell, yeah.
l'm driving! Keep the wheel straight.
Just follow the sign there.
''Hot fire straight ahead.
'' You want me to follow that one? Thy will be done! - lce cream! - lce cream! - Fire! - Fire! You're ruining everything! That's not even an ice cream truck! Fire! l'm on fire.
Seems to me if you bought your Sunday beer on Saturday night this becomes a complete non-issue.