Squidbillies (2005) s08e12 Episode Script

Taint Misbehavin'

1 My dreams are all dead and buried Wish the sun would just explode When God calls me to his kingdom I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go - My turn.
- Hell no.
- Man, let me drive that thing! Come on! - Do not touch the trim! - Okay.
So now I'm gonna need you to drop your pants and - Pants? What do you think I am? Some sort of hobo? Pants! The very idea.
So, how's it hangin'? Well, you know, pretty good.
- Uh, been travelling a lot for my son's, uh, soccer-- - No! How is it hanging? Below! Actually, uh, I do feel something hard here on the dermal region.
You mean the skin? You're not impressing anyone here.
How many times a week do you attach glow sticks to your balls? I haven't raved like that in years.
Is there any other way you might have exposed your crotch-saddle to intense, prolonged radiation? Ol' taint Nick says "taint the season to be getting a holiday bonus!" Get it? Because I'm sending out pictures of my taint! Oh, man.
You got "tainted," Glenn! - Cancer.
- Yep.
Terminal, inoperable taint cancer.
Why wasn't this caught earlier? What do I pay all these nurses for? Oh, those are strippers in nurses' outfits.
Because, uh, you didn't like the nurses' lips.
They weren't pouty enough! So many conflicting emotions coursing through me right now.
Fury Anger Fury mixed with anger-- franger.
And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, I'll get flashes of hatred and rage! Damn, Dan.
Any fool knows to protect their taint! That's your damn weakest spot, hoss! - Just do like I do-- walk low to the ground.
- Early, don't-- Them splinters and pebbles'll tough up that saddle skin.
Uh, we'll just put a throw rug on it.
No, who cares? It's just one more room full of pointless crap.
You son of a cock of a whore of a chair! Let me throw on! Come on! Let me have it! - Now let's get this here piano! - No, wait! Look, there's got to be a more constructive way to channel these emotions.
You could use all your wealth to maybe find a cure.
You really think I could eradicate taint cancer in our lifetime? Well not your lifetime.
Where are you going with that? I ain't got nothing.
Yeah, you do.
- Nuh-unh, I ain't got a damn thing.
- Yes, you do! Aw, come on, now! You said this was all pointless crap.
But I guess, if it gives you some kind of fleeting joy, then-- Here's your damn measly rhino head back.
Take it! No, you're right, you're right.
From now on, I'm giving back to the community.
Hello, kids, I'm Dan Halen, Dean of the screamin' teen tween screen scene.
We all know it's fun to lay on our backs, twerking our taint spread eagle toward the sun, but I'm a living example that such choices will come back to haunt you.
Hey, look, gang! It's my old friend Tommy Taint! Uh, Mr.
Halen, I-I don't feel like this is-- Get your styrofoam ass and balls out here! Uh, h-hey, kids, I'm Tommy Taint, I'm the space between your, jingaling and your hoo-hoo.
Now, hold up.
Now don't run off.
Sure, private parts may be a little scary.
But you know what's even worse? Cancer.
It's Cody Cancer.
Oh, no, it's Cody Cancer.
Get out there and show them what I have to deal with.
What I do? Don't worry, y'all.
Sunscreen's like a magic force field against cancer.
- My damn eyes! - He can't hurt me at all! You son of a bitch! You about to die! This is not the message we're trying to convey here! That's the big "c" right there! Kids, always remenber-- cancer is mean, so screen your tween! That's right.
Protect your taint before you can't! Hey, look! It's the Dan Halen screamin' teen tween screen machine! Let's all head outside to have a stranger scrutinize the fold between our nethers-- for free! That's right, put the dye pack between your butt cheeks, just like this.
I'm sorry.
We can't have second-graders doing this.
But everyone gets a free taint cancer awareness magnet.
- Come on, kids.
- It's fun for them! In a show of appreciation for all your charity toward fixing that disease that you are the only person to has, I'm here to present you with-- Thanks you for the cardboard nothing to nothing.
[Bleep] this, I'm done with giving back to the community.
They need to be giving back to me! I'm the one dying here! Why is this taking so long? Is it because I got a big taint? I don't want to die.
Well, the lord never sends you more than you can handle, until, of course, the one day when he does.
All this money, and I can't buy the one thing I want-- to live forever and never die.
Oh, but you can live forever, friend-- in God's house.
Now rise into a life with jeeesus! Do you have a dry baptism process? I have a highly water-soluble collection of fragile post-war Hitler memorabilia? Uh, well, you know what they say-- you can't take it with you.
Why the hell not? It's my stuff, I want it! The ancient pharaohs of Egypt wanted their "stuff," too.
Oh, they built great pyramids full of treasures.
Thousands died in their vainglorious folly, and-- Mr.
Halen? Faster! Osiris demands it! I'm taking it with me! Every last bit! Slave, that's not a bean bag! It's one of only three white tigers in the known world! It goes back up there with the other two! Where's this forklift go? Uh, that goes over with the other loading equipment.
- Wait! Wait a minute! I could use that! - Go on, now, granny.
No! You must whip the confusion out of her! - Son of a-- - Mr.
Halen, not to be a buzzkill but all this whipping and chaining, it's just don't feel right.
Fine, deny a dying man the historically accurate burial his recently adopted religion asks for.
Shoot, I'm sorry, I-I-I'm just so insensitive.
Come on, granny, scream for Mr.
His final wish is to see you suffer.
If you're gonna whip me, at least aim for my ass.
Oh, there you go! Yeah, you found the sweet spo-- Calm down, everyone! Calm down.
The pyramid is sealed now.
Those of you looking for the exits, you can sit down and relax, because there aren't any.
Ah, well, fire marshal might have something to say about that, y'all.
Oh, no, no, no.
There's not enough oxygen in here to support a fire.
But don't we need that stuff to breath and stuff? Yes, you would need "that stuff" to breath, if our aim was to live.
But, you see, you and I will take a journey across the river on a boat, with the sun God, Ra.
And we're going to meet a woman with a dog face.
And they're going to weigh our hearts! - We going to Gatlinburg, baby! - Yay! Dollywood! That's right! You all have Dan Halen gift bags for the afterlife.
Inside them, you should find jars of food, tweezers to pick your brains out through your nose, and a bag of sand to insert into your throat and nasal cavities.
Then just, you know, chill out.
So, we are going to Gatlinburg, right? Yeah, as I understand it, yes.
Look! Hey, y'all, I got the whole thing.
Hello? Seriously? G-give me five.
Oh, praise Osiris! I mean, [bleep] Osiris.
Let me see.
Oh, she's a beaut.
It's a little weathered-- It's seen better days-- but, hey, - beggars can't be choosers.
- Where'd you find it? Oh, she won't know, she's fine.
The card will read "taint keep a good man down.
" Gather everybody so they can all see.
Oh right.
Gatlinburg is funner than hell! That's right! - I love Gatlinburg! - Gatlinburg's fun.
Will someone please tell them it's not Gatlinburg? Uh, this ain't even earth no more, Early.
We're on the river styx.
So, this ain't the tea cup ride in Gatlinburg? Are we in Gatlinburg, or we, uh, gettin' near Gatlinburg? Oh, hell.
We're taking on water.
Well, don't drink it unless you want the runs.
And don't shake his hand, 'cause that's the one they wipe their ass with.
Who's "they"? Oh, y-you know Not to be racist, but-- - Yeah, that's exactly what racist say when they're about to be racist.
- Well, I I just need to feel superior, you know?