Squidbillies (2005) s08e13 Episode Script

Ink Is Thicker Than Blood, Which Is Thicker Than Water

1 My dreams are all dead and buried Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode When God comes and calls me to his kingdom I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go - My turn.
- Hell no.
Hey, man, let me drive that thing! Come on! - Do not touch the trim! There you go, sir! Thank you very much! Hey, Rusty! Say hey to your daddy, Randy.
There's my guy.
What's up, hoss? All right, here you go.
Now, here's June and July, and I guess that catches us up.
Here's a little extra.
Now, that's for you.
Get mama to go buy you a onesie in town.
Be sure to rip them sleeves off.
Thank you for this, Rusty.
We sure appreciate you.
I appreciate you, too, Tammi-- how fine you lookin' I'd appreciate the hell out of you right now if you'd let me.
Yeah, I get it, Rusty.
I know, I know-- baby steps.
But I'm gonna earn you back! You'll see! 'Cause I'm a man! Where the hell you been?! Yeah, you all running out in the morning, saying you's going to work and then coming home all tired eight hours later, talking about how you's at work! - 'Cause I was at work.
- Here he goes! You ain't been at work 'cause my boy ain't gonna work! You know how damn hard I work trying not to work just to have you work?! I done told y'all 20 times, I'm workin' at the car wash, making me some damn money.
- M-money? - Money? - Money! Hell yeah! - We made it! - Somebody in this family done made some damn money! - Give up the money! I already gave away the money.
You what?! I told you, every dime I make goes to child support.
Cuyler money-- in Tammi's hands?! That gold-digging whore! I also just had to pay for his shots.
You're spoiling that baby by giving him immunizations! A child needs to know what rickets feel like! If that child's even yours.
What the hell you mean by that? That baby anit got no squid blood in him! I want to love it, but I don't trust it with that cream-cheesy damn skin! I'm sorry-- I said it! Y'all cut it out, of course Randy's mine.
Count how many legs he's got.
Has he got eight, like us?t One two Oh, my God, you're right! He's only got two legs! Like a two-legged, two-armed, 10-fingered freak show! Tammi done spread her in legs in the dirt for some human man, and that's what come out! Uh, that ain't true! Tammi wouldn't do that! She's probably out painting the town red right now with some new fella, and you're the one who bought 'em all the paint! You get anything you want-- salad, soft-serve, unlimited crescent rolls.
This is your night.
Well, thank you, Denny, that's real sweet.
- Now, lift me up, see what kind of jello they got.
- Yeah.
Now, don't be a wallflower, tell me something interesting about you.
Well, I'm taking college classes online-- this here hand only got three fingers, that's interesting.
I come out of the womb with this mustache, too.
Pretty interesting.
I'm way into jello, I bet that's how we found each other on the Dougal Doubles on account of we both like jello so damn much.
Yeah.
And also 'cause there's not a whole lot of profiles on that Dougal County dating site.
It's like the internet decided that we was destined to be together.
- Please don't throw jello at me.
- I'm playin'.
Pass me them crayons.
I think I'm gonna draw me a pontoon boat.
Now, you just march your ass up there and snatch that young'ern and test his molecules in the computer 'cause if he ain't yours, then you ain't got to pay no-damn-body.
I can't believe she was running around on me this whole time.
Hey, I know.
Not to be sexualist, but you can't trust a damn stupid-ass bitch whore farther than you can throw her! And I know 'cause I throw me some womans all the time.
Skinny womans will travel farther.
It's a bone-density thing.
You know, it's science.
Now, you just ring that doorbell and repeat after me.
Hey, Rusty It's-- it's late, is there something wrong? Ignore the hell out of her.
Drive her crazy, gets them loins moist.
Ignore the hell out of her.
Drive her crazy, gets them loins moist.
No, don't repeat what I say! Oh, hell! Just get your ass inside! - Tell her! - But you said not to repeat what I say.
Now I'm saying different! Don't do what I said! Say what I do! Go on now! Get your ass inside and come back out! Rusty, what do you want? Go your ass inside, then come back out.
- Don't you talk to her now.
- When can I talk? Okay, I'm gonna go back inside now.
Okay, but then get your ass back out here! - It worked! - Yeah! Man, you got her on her heels! Now, you ring that bell again and close the deal! What the hell do you want, Rusty?! - Evening, Tammi.
- Evening, Tammi.
What are you doing on this fine-ass night? - What are you doing on this fine-ass night? - Rusty I know you're lonely without a man in your life.
But I know somebody who could put some hard Georgia pine in your wood chipper.
You know my daddy, Early, over there in the bushes? Evening, Tammi! Get over there and put your tongue in his ear.
Now, go over there and put your tongue in my daddy's-- daddy, what the hell's going on here? Where are we going with this? Let her do it, son.
The heart wants what it wants.
- Y'all are both pathetic! - Is there a problem here, babe? You on a date-- with little Denny?! Whoa, now, that's deputy little Denny to you, Cuyler.
I don't want this sawed-off, jello-breath twerp around my son! Oh, you got a problem with jello now? Let me hold my young'un! It is late, Rusty.
Now, I think you need to be going on.
Damn straight I do! - And I'll be taking Randy with me! - Rusty, no! My boy! Do something, Denny! I, uh, officer in pursuit, officer in pursuit! My baby! You get on back here and start licking on this ear like you promised, you damn teasy bitch! Rusty, come on out now, and we won't press charges.
H.
Q.
, this is officer Denny at Morning Glory Trailer Park requesting backup.
- Randy! - 10-4.
You gonna be on shift, uh, till breakfast time? Guarding Tammi's bedroom? Did you French that thing, or did you graze booby? Damn it-- over! It was too high, I couldn't get to it.
I started massaging her ankle to try to, you know, get her in the mood.
I told you, Denny, it's boobs and butts.
That's what they want touched.
They're both filled with milk-- I think.
Y'all can gossip later! Rusty has run off with my boy, and it's y'all's job to go find him! Easy now, Tammi.
I-I know you're upset, but Rusty's the boy's daddy.
I mean, it's probably a lot on his mind and all, catching y'all in the act.
Uh, uh, I'm not saying you touched booby, but-- Mind your own damn business and find my boy! Randy! Where are you now? It's mama, come on! Oh, hell, do I got to pay for both the "d" and the "a"? Can't I just do one? Why, this little young'ern ain't even got no squi suckers on his hands.
I'll save you some money.
Just chunk him at the wall and see if he sticks! No, no, daddy! Stop it! That ain't no scientific test! Now, come on, son, uh, just fart here in that slot now.
They'll test it with a computer.
Now, you listen to me, and you listen close, you redheaded son of bitch! I'm coming, and I've brought hell with me, and I'm gonna dump hell on your ass.
Do some cuss words.
When you see Rusty, it's important that you use the cuss words.
I got you, little buddy.
Early, you can hear that Denny's damn near out of his mind with rage.
I say dump that kid in a river, throw Rusty in jail, fire that runt, and bring that bitch here to me! - Boy, if it was only that easy, Early.
- It is.
Do it.
You're funny, Early.
Seriously? You know, Early, wherever Rusty is, I know he don't mean no harm and he only wants the best for the boy, but I hope he knows that he's not the primary caregiver.
Well, what if he ain't the primary sperm-giver neither? Looky what the mailman just give me! Well, it ain't always genetics that determines whether somebody can be a good parent.
Ha, you preaching to choir now! Oh, yeah, that's how my ass got tricked and tripped up.
Same here! Just 'cause this one come falling out of my innards, now I got to do all that other stuff?! Hell, I don't even know why he's up in this boat! - Well, if you just happen to see Rusty-- - Yeah, he's in the boat! Thank you, thank you, granny.
Damn it.
Tell Rusty, if you see him, that we'll go easy on him if he brings the boy in.
But he ain't gonna like it much if Denny calls in the S.
W.
A.
T.
Team.
This my boy! Y'all go to hell! - Oh, the sun went out! - Officer down! Help! Rusty, don't do nothing rash now! Just relax! Y'all can't do nothing to me now! This is international waters! Uh, yep.
He's more than 4 feet off the shore.
Also, I-I can't swim, so Well, once I read these here DNA results, Rusty ain't gonna have to pay another dime for no chalky baby! Hey, listen, y'all.
I don't give a damn what that DNA test says! Ain't no piece of paper gonna convince me not to love this boy, even if he is a two-footed freak! I love Randy! I love him! - And I'm as much a daddy as he ever had! - Rusty? - And we gonna be together forever! - Rusty, the baby! Randy! Oh, my God, Randy! Problem solved! Randy, Randy! Oh, damn it! Oh, my God, Randy's a half squid! Check it out, y'all Look at him! He is my boy! I told you he was yours! If you ever changed a damn diaper, you would know 'cause you would see it's like a thousand fountain pens exploded in his little crotch! I ain't gonna touch no damn diaper! I'm a man! You haven't changed his diaper the whole time you've had him?! I look like I'm wearin' a lady dress?! If you was my girl, we wouldn't be having these fights - 'cause you'd be doin' as you was told! - Tell your daddy to shut up! Oh, I see! You're on the rag! What the hell?! Talk to me on Tuesday when it's over.
Now, come on ashore and suck on my toes before I get pissed! Dream on, Cuyler.
The only toes she's suckin' tonight are the three weird-shaped ones on this foot.
I stalked her first! She's mine! - She just don't know it yet! - Don't! You're under arrest! - See? Things just have a way of working out.
- When I say "under arrest," you've got to do it! - Stop punching me! - You take it from me here, Denny.