Squinters (2018) s02e01 Episode Script

On The Road Again

1 Thanks again for giving me a lift.
Hey, um, instead of petrol money, do you accept compliments? Mm, sure.
I could do with a compliment.
OK, um You smell like hand sanitiser.
Your eyelashes are like .
.
that of a cow.
You've got a car.
OK, I think I'll just take the petrol money.
- OK.
Alright.
- Actually, forget it.
It's nice to have the company.
Just get your old job back.
Mm, yeah, well, that's easier said than done, since, uh, the last time I left the job, my parting words to my colleagues were something like, uh, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
" "You're cool, fuck you.
" Although, I was the Christmas party photographer last year, and, uh, I gotta say, these pics are radioactive.
I'm talking sex, drugs, misuse of office stationary.
Do you know that photocopier on the second level? Yeah.
Well, so do Sharon and Ian from accounts.
- Oh, gross! - Very intimately.
They fucked on it.
SONG; Let's go! What you waitin' for? Your prayers are already answered Do you really want it? Ain't got no time to waste - Let's go - Green light Step on the gas Don't let no-one past Put some pep in your step Follow me this way Red light, green light Red light, green light Red light, green light, go! Do you wanna go, go, go? I'm-a, I'm-a run this show Red light Do you wanna go? Green light - Do you wanna? - Do you wanna go? How does an educated man with a boyfriend lose his entire redundancy to a lonely-hearts scam? Oh, I don't know, the Queen.
What's with the bloody why are you doing posh voice .
.
your your posh lawyer's voice with me? I don't care.
It's not intimidating Well, how'd you lose all your fuckin' money? To a bloody online, sexy, hot Malaysian man, OK? I couldn't help it, I was all lonely.
I bloody find vulnerability sexy.
He wasn't afraid to ask for money.
I gave him money.
So, you're back to no relationship.
- Yes.
- No money and no prospects.
No, I've got prospects.
I know what I'm doing.
- Look at this - Really? Alright, check this out.
There.
- Forklift licence.
- Forklift licence.
I'm trying my best.
I'm doing manual labour.
Alright, well, as long as the, uh, homophobia in the warehouse isn't gonna rattle you.
Well, no, that's you assuming there's homophobia in the warehouse.
It's nothing like that.
Warehouse men hang tight with other warehouse men.
We're men.
I love men.
Men love hanging with men.
Men who love other men, not like the way I love men, but men who be with men would rather be with men who are warehouse men.
It's just man on man, bloody talking about man things.
Oh, bloody what's going on with the footy and sport and cricket, and bloody, "Oh, what's going on there?" "Oh! Touched you on the goolies.
" "Oh, it's only footy.
That's fine.
" So, basically, it's just like a Mardi Gras, is it? Well, without a bloody without the trough boy.
But, yes.
Anyway, I've got to bloody pick up Rach tonight, because, you know, she doesn't have a car.
You know why she doesn't have a car? 'Cause she's bloody broke.
You know why that is? Cause we don't have money till the will.
- Yeah, well - Do we Aunty Al? Your mother made me promise, no money until you two have got your shit together.
I need my 'getting my shit together' money.
That's what I need to get my shit together.
The money from my bloody dead mummy.
That shit's over.
Even if I wanted to cheat on you, no-one would be interested.
And why is that? Because there's been a massive downturn in women checking me out ever since I stopped wearing the high-vis.
It's all in your head, Macca.
Well, what can I say? Chicks dig safety.
How else did I get laid that night I wore a traffic cone on my head? 'Cause I make bad choices.
Come on, babe.
Everyone knows fluorescent orange gives women an oestrogen spike.
Have you been drinking? You know drinking inhibits sperm production? - I have not been drinking.
- Good.
'Cause I'm due to ovulate on Tuesday, so don't masturbate till then either.
The doctor said the bigger the payload, the greater the chance of getting pregnant.
Yeah, look, I read somewhere that there's a risk of creating a lot of old sperm if you go a few days without clearing the tubes, and old sperm could very well create an old baby.
I don't want my kid listening to Phillip Adams, and writing letters to the editor.
- Mate, do you want a baby? - Of course I want a baby.
Then don't wank till Tuesday.
But how am I gonna relieve stress? I can't drink, I can't rub one out.
Meditate.
That relieves stress.
So does wanking, and it's less boring.
Do you know what's boring? Me leaving the job I loved to look after a bunch of corporate ants.
I I didn't force you to do it.
We decided together that I would have more of a chance of getting pregnant if I wasn't spending 16 hours a day chasing meth heads.
I made that sacrifice.
But if you want to continue drinking, smoking pot, masturbating and not meditating, you go for it.
Because the sooner you die, the sooner I can find someone who takes getting pregnant seriously.
Sorry.
Nah, you make a good point.
Hey, uh .
.
let me know if you ovulate when we're at work because, um, I know some sweet little spots in the warehouse where we might be able to get up to a bit of nonsense.
It'd have to be standing up, but still OK, then.
I might call you if something happens.
- Really? - No! How good is this, hey? You're pregnant, you're middle-aged, you're going back to your old job.
Hashtag winning.
Oh, and look at you, sis.
You're hashtag single, hashtag childless, hashtag borrowing my car to do Uber.
No, actually I love giving Mentos to drunk strangers.
Love it.
Love answering their questions.
"Why are you driving an Uber?" "Oh, because it didn't work out as a Victoria's Secret model.
" "What do you reckon?!" So the, uh, personal training? (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Sorry to hear that.
Here I was, thinking your job was all high fives, and protein shakes.
That's 'cause you never ask me about my personal training.
Well, when have you ever asked me about bubble wrap? Bubble wrap isn't your dream.
Well, it might be.
I liked popping it as a child.
Maybe it grew from there.
Besides, you wouldn't know, 'cause you never asked.
You just decided that the woman with the kids couldn't possibly have any dreams.
Is bubble wrap your dream? No! Jesus So how's Gordon? - Gary! - Gary.
- Gary! - Gary.
I love him, yep.
He won't let me meet his parents.
What do you think that's about? I don't know.
I'd love to meet his big, black, beautiful family.
Or 'mob' as they like to be called.
Do you have you been calling them 'mob'? Are you calling them 'mob'? Yeah.
They prefer that.
Ooh Yeah, no, can't see what the problem is there.
Just don't go falling in love with me like the last person you carpooled with.
I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't joke about that.
Might still be sore after the affair.
Oh, Paul didn't have an affair.
He, uh he left me to go save the ocean.
Yeah.
That's an affair.
He left you for the ocean.
The ocean is his mistress, cruel, unforgiving mistress, and he's probably dead now.
Hey, no chill out, OK? It's OK.
Anyway, it's better being left for the ocean than, like, Tara from HR.
- I know, right? - Mm.
Guys go nuts over her.
What is her sorcery? Blonde hair.
- Ah, yes.
- She could not be a brunette.
Nuh, she so wouldn't cut it.
Guys are such morons when it comes to that.
Mm.
You could put a blonde wig on a friggin' fencepost, they'd still want to fuck it.
Splinters and all.
So, what are you gonna do, now that your small business has failed? Ah (LAUGHS) D - It didn't fail.
- Mm.
Uh, it more kind of struggled to find its place within the yoga wine bar community.
And you owe Simoni $20,000.
No, I we, collectively, through no fault of my own, yeah, we owe the bank $20,000, give or take.
And you're on the run from the debt collectors, so OK.
(LAUGHS) Cool it with the questions, Your Honour.
It's more I'm just not engaging with conversation with them, and I am living with my parents (IMITATES GUNSHOT) .
.
under a new false name.
Mike Mleh.
M-L-E-H.
To be clear, I I thought my job was just to get the new American CEO from, like, point A to point B, A being home, B being work.
Negative.
Your job is to keep the CEO alive, period.
So, what kind of assailant should I be expecting? Anyone, and I mean anyone, can be a killer.
Including those squeegee bums.
In Australia, we call them deros or backpackers.
You do not ask her about her personal life.
- Got it.
- OK? You do not ask her tedious get-to-know-you types of questions like, "If you were an animal, what would you be?" Could you believe someone did that? - Idiot.
- Mm.
- Out of interest - Owl.
- Owl.
- Owl, yeah.
Seems cute, right? Yeah, but don't get sucked in.
That's all part of her plan.
You see, our CEO has .
.
no soul.
In fact, you know what she does to underperforming employees? She makes them wear a dunce cap.
Yeah.
What kind of a person makes you do that, Brett? Did did she make you wear the dunce cap? What?! Me?! No.
See, I knew you were gonna ask that, but this is about somebody else, not me, come on Come on.
I I get what you're saying.
Um, tread carefully, she's a bit odd.
Hoo Negative.
A river flowing uphill is a bit odd.
When your kids call you Uncle, that's a bit odd.
Having keys to your own house, but none of the keys open any doors Brett, you know I've got to prop open the back door with a brick just so I can sneak into my own house and make a ham sandwich? That's a bit odd.
Finding your wife making love to a woman that looks exactly like you (CHUCKLES) .
.
Brett .
.
that IS a bit odd.
You see our CEO, she's not a bit odd.
In fact, she's a person who lacks concern, regret or remorse.
She revels in the distress of other people.
Our CEO .
.
is a bitch.
Here she is.
- Frank.
- Tina.
Brett, meet the new CEO of K2, Tina Mayer.
G'day, Tina.
(IMITATES AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Oh, g'day to you, cobber.
Hey, Frank, it must feel good to get out of that pointy hat, huh? You won't let me down again, will you, Frankie? - No, ma'am.
- Mm-hm.
- Excellent, let's go.
- Shall we? Let's go! RADIO ANNOUNCER: It's 9am, and the M5 East tunnel has reopened after an incident involving an over-height truck.
I'll put that in trucking language.
Truck big, tunnel small, no fit.
I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here returns tonight with some big-name celebrities, including that guy from that thing.
It's 5pm.
- How was your day? - Great.
Did you respect the wanking ban? Respected it with all my heart and both my hands.
Hmm.
You do realise one of the perks of security is being able to access people's internet activity? Did not realise that, no.
And one of the websites my loving husband accessed today was stepmoms.
com.
Oh, no, I thought stepmoms.
com was just a step-by-step guide to becoming a mom.
That's just a mix-up.
A mix-up that took you 53 and a half minutes to figure out? Don't bullshit me, Macca.
You broke the ban.
I was just researching the porn I'm gonna access once the ban is lifted.
I thought we talked about replacing masturbation with meditation.
I know, I tried, but it's just gonna take me a while to relinquish my earthly desires.
Besides, I'm under a lot more pressure now that I'm K2 Warehouse Systems Supervisor.
That's awesome, baby! Oh! Mwah! Congratulations.
Oh! - What does that even mean? - No idea.
The VP of Warehouse Operations came into my office to tell me about the appointment.
- Hmm.
- And then he started dissing my suit.
What? Fuck him.
That's Salon Italia.
You married me in that suit.
Upstairs, they call it Salon Shitalia.
They do not appreciate a cotton poly blend.
Ah, maybe they got a point.
(SQUEAKING) See? Makes a squeaking sound when I move my arms.
Mm.
And then when I reach up for something .
.
my whole head disappears.
So, I've just got to keep my arms down if I want to maintain any dignity at all.
It was an amazing interview, like, 55 minutes long.
I had them completely enthralled the whole way through.
They were like, "Oh, what are your plans for the future?" And I was like, "Lunch.
" They were cracking up.
And they were like, "No, we mean long term," and I was like, "I don't know.
Dinner.
" Romi, intense sustained laughter.
And they were like, "Oh" you know, "Why do you want this job?" And I was like, "I don't know.
How else am I gonna get" "these fucking debt collectors off my back?" - More laughter? - Not as much.
Yeah, it might have been one quip too many.
So, I whipped out some incriminating Christmas party photos.
And? I'm a facilitator now.
How was your day? Uh, it was a bit hard, actually, with Paul gone.
Every time I saw a plastic water bottle or a single-use plastic bag catching in the wind, I'd think of Paul cheating on me with that whorish ocean.
I don't even remember why I liked that dumb, wet, gaping, salty, slutty hole of an ocean in the first place, Gaping? Shh-shh-shh, it's fine.
I'm here now.
I'm never gonna leave you for that bitch of an ocean.
You know what? You can crash at mine if your parents are driving you nuts.
Are you serious? Yeah.
I could do with the company.
Oh, my God! Oh, my This is amazing! That's perfect! Because I don't have any money and you've got a spare room.
Oh, my.
And I've never flatmate before who isn't like a DJ or, like, a meth head - Oh, we're, we're not officially - Oh, my God.
- .
.
flatmates - You're apartment is gorge as well.
Gorge.
Gorge Clooney.
Oh, but I will need to - move some things around because - Move things What? 'Cause I got two fish tanks and It's gonna be Oh, my God, and, like, you are so beautiful and successful If my parents know that I'm living with you, they know I'm, like, moving up in the world.
This is a win-win for everyone involved.
Yeah.
Everyone.
Oh, I should ring my parents.
Oh, I'm out of credit.
Can I use your phone? So, how's the, uh the job hunting going there, Rach? Ugh! Badly.
Nowadays, I think everyone's just way too scared of copping a sexual harassment case to hire the super-hot girl.
You sure it's not a lack of experience, shoes or references? No, it's definitely the sexual harassment thing, and I have shoes now, thank you very much.
Hmm, well I think it's great that these sexual harassment lawsuits are on the rise.
It's been a gold rush at my firm.
Gosh, no wonder you don't care about us getting our fair share of Mum's money.
It's all just like a power trip to you, isn't it.
I'm not a Scooby Doo villain, Rachel.
I'm doing this for your own good.
Your mother, my sister, made me executor of her will because you two are terrible at making life choices.
Look at Lukas.
He's a forklift driver.
That's mean.
And you gave your life savings away to someone you met on I'm-stupid-take-my-money-dot-com.
Actually, it's Snapcock.
What? What's Snapcock? It's a dick-pic sharing app for, like, gay men, where they don't judge you on the size - Yeah, yep.
OK, right.
- .
.
or what your penis looks like And, Rachel, I mean you could have done something with your life, but you never followed through.
- Well, whose fault is that? - Oh, not this again.
What? Oh, Rachel thinks she could have been Rebecca Gibney by now.
And she bloody could have.
Rach, bloody don't even listen.
Like, you know, you could have been any one of those guys.
You could have been a bloody Georgie Parker or Lisa McCune, or Ada Nica dom.
You know, they Yeah, and I loved you in those high-school plays.
You were great.
Did you really want a life of rejection, humiliation and self-loathing? I mean, look at Lukas.
(HORNS HONK) What are you doing?! Oh! Sorry.
Was just booking in a spray tan.
Gary's finally taking me to meet his parents.
I don't think it's your colour that's the problem.
I think it's your comments re colour.
What comments? Maybe Gary's a patient man, but his family may not be so forgiving.
I get along very well with black people.
What, all of them? Yeah, even the nasty ones.
I'm very broadminded.
You'd be more broadminded if you actually broadened your mind.
Everything you know about the world you've learnt from 'Sunrise'.
Well, that doesn't make me a racist.
- Yes, it does.
- That's nonsense.
Remember when Rufus got off the lead and you made Gary chase after him? And you were like, "Oh, I thought he'd be faster than that.
" So? Why'd you think he'd be fast? 'Cause he's black? I don't even think of Gary as black.
Oh, why, cause you don't see colour? Exactly.
Can't believe I'm being lectured to by a failed personal trainer who's borrowing my car to drive Uber.
At least I'm not an unmarried mother of three, still working in bubble wrap.
Unmarried mother of two and a half, and I've been promoted to Director of Box Protection.
You're pregnant.
Again.
How good at box protection can you be? (BOTH LAUGH) What are you doing? Oh, no, it's just I went to the skin cancer clinic to get my moles checked, and they upsold me anus lasering.
Oh, I've been thinking of getting that done.
I thought you didn't see colour.
I can't.
But Gary can.
Well, all the buildings were built pre-1980, and the inspector has a big question mark over the insulation in the roof.
Well, is it horsehair or asbestos? Find out for me.
Ugh The left side of the road.
Why can't you drive on the right side? We invented the car.
It's the right side of the road because it's right.
(LAUGHS) That's You laughed too much.
Well, hey, it was a funny joke.
The right is right.
Right.
Anyhow, it wasn't a joke.
It was more of a statement.
And that laugh .
.
it was too much.
And now I just can't respect your laugh.
- Yeah, you can.
- No.
Not at all.
Either you amuse yourself too easily or you're a fake.
Like, either way, I will never, ever trust your laugh again.
Got it.
(PHONE RINGS) Fuck off, Simon! I'm not talking to you.
That was Simon.
- Right.
- My husband.
OK.
He's cheating on me.
Well, that's terrible, Tina.
Ugh! Is that how you say my name? Tina? Teenah, Teenah Teeeeenah, Teenah, Teenah, Tee Is that is that it? Is that a speech impediment, or your accent? Uh, accent.
Say it without an accent.
- Tina.
- Without an accent.
Tina.
Repeat after me, Tina.
- Tina.
- Tina.
- Tina.
- Tina.
- (HIGHER PITCH) Tina.
- Ugh! God! Just call me CEO, OK? But without the accent.
Technically, actually .
.
you're the one with the accent, this this being Australia and everything.
That is depressingly true, but since we are in a K2 car, this is property of America, so this is American territory.
Got it.
You know, in America, Bretts are generally fat.
- Oh, really? - Mm-hm.
They're big boys, yeah.
Ryans are assholes.
Alyssas play violin.
Hollys are beautiful, but they always get pregnant before they graduate, and Bretts are fat.
Ah.
Well, I used to be fat.
My little boy's a bit pudgy.
- Oh, how old is he? - Seven.
He's the, uh the beautiful result of a very ordinary one-night stand.
Well, do you, uh, know what he wants to be when he grows up? No.
We haven't really figured that out yet.
He's he's autistic.
Oh, my God, that's so awkward.
I don't have a kid, so we don't have any equal ground to meet there.
- OK.
- Great.
Oh, no, mate.
Just trying to make a living, buddy.
- Step away from the vehicle, mate.
- No, mate.
Tina just keep your head down, alright? - I don't like this.
- Oh, just relax.
Frank's got you paranoid.
Did you hear what I said? I said, bugger off! Hey, ease up dude.
No need to get all aggro.
Ugh! Testosterone.
Threat neutralised.
(GRUNTS) Oh Brett, do you have 911 here? I'm gonna try it.
Take that fuckin' thing off! I'm not gonna take it off 'cause it's real.
- Leave it Ah! - It's Ooh! Don't touch Don't finger my mouth-hole.
- That's real.
- That's my magnificent pelt.