Squinters (2018) s02e02 Episode Script

A Winding Road

1 Meet the new CEO of K2, Tina Mayer.
G'day, Tina.
Oh, g'day to you, cobber.
Your mother, my sister, made me executor of her will because you two are terrible at making life choices.
Can't believe I'm being lectured to by a failed personal trainer who's borrowing my car to drive Uber.
You know what? You can crash at mine if your parents are driving you nuts.
I could do with the company.
Oh, my God! You know drinking inhibits sperm production? I have not been drinking.
Good, 'cause I'm due to ovulate on Tuesday, so don't masturbate till then either.
Testosterone.
Threat neutralised.
Brett, do you have 911 here? WOMAN ON RADIO: A man accused of murdering his neighbour appeared in Penrith Magistrate's Court today.
The 33-year-old (SWITCHES RADIO OFF) (SIGHS) You know, I reckon throwing someone off the balcony of their high rise apartment block would be such an easy way to kill someone you didn't like.
There's no eye contact when you think about it.
It spoils it.
You like a bit of intimacy with your homicide, do you? Yeah, well, imagine how you'd feel, like knowing the person murdering you is just like phoning it in.
They're just like, err, like, you know, not even caring.
Oh, OK, OK, so you're telling me that the biggest problem with murderers these days is their lack of work ethic? Yeah.
Completely.
Like, if I was murdering, I'd be all eye contact.
Like I wouldn't even blink, I'd be looking straight at 'em.
You'd go up to someone and go, "Hey, you're gonna die now, but it's alright.
" Make it a human experience.
You know maybe give them a little hug, and then crick, just like real quick so they wouldn't know what's going on.
They'd be like, "Ah.
" Anyway, like, I've thought about this.
I've thought it through, you know, if the police do come and knock, and they're like, "Oh, we think you murdered.
" I'd be like, "I did not murder.
" They'd catch you in a heartbeat.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
You know why? 'Cause this cool cat can actually cheat a lie detector test.
Really? Yeah, mate, I know my way about a bloody polygraph.
- Ah, yeah? - Yeah, it's easy.
You just bloody all you do is think the opposite.
- What? - Just think the opposite.
To what the question is? Yeah, well, just say, um, OK, a similar theory to like, you know when you're having sex, and you're like "Oh, God, I'm gonna climax soon," so you think about something very unsexy, like Matchbox cars.
And you're like, oh, Matchbox cars.
Matchbox cars, Matchbox cars.
And then they're like, "Oh, you're such a great lover, Lukas," I'm like, "Oh, yeah.
" And you accidentally go, Matchbox cars.
Anyway, it's the same kind of thing.
You're just like thinking the opposite thing.
"Did you murder them?" And you're just thinking in your head, "Nup, spiced rum.
" All this murder talk, are you are you thinking about murdering me, so you can get all the money from your mother's will? No! God.
Good.
SONG: Let's go! What you waitin' for? Your prayers are already answered Do you really want it? Ain't got no time to waste - Let's go - Green light Step on the gas, don't let no-one past Put some pep in your step Follow me this way Red light, green light Red light, green light Red light, green light, go! Do you wanna go, go, go? I'm-a, I'm-a run this show Red light Do you wanna go? Green light - Do you wanna? - Do you wanna go? The wanking ban must have worked.
Don't get too excited.
All we know is my period is late.
And it's never late.
You can set your watch to it, it even adjusts to daylight saving.
Don't count your chickens.
- Can I at least pat 'em? - Not yet.
Oh-ho-ho! Fuck! Actually, there's a piece of paper in my handbag.
- Can you get it out? - Sure.
"Frag, fudge, frog, fruit" If we are having kids, we're gonna be a swear-free household.
I don't want to pollute their little minds with swearing and shoot like that.
See what I did there? I did see what you did there, and it's fragging embarrassing.
If I spoke like that I'd be ridiculed, you Mother Chucker.
Who are you calling Mother Chucker, you dumb slug of a ditch? Keep going, it's fun.
I still think it's fragging ridiculous.
Do you, dinkleberg? Don't call me dinkleberg, you snunt.
What? I beg your pardon? Sorry, babe, I didn't mean to call you a snunt.
I just saw it on the page, and then my mouth moved before my brain could think.
Please forgive me? OK, you're forgiven.
Just as long as you're on board.
Yeah, I dunno.
I still think we're years off worrying about any of this.
There's evidence to suggest that even in the womb, babies can hear voices.
Well, I still think it's a crock of spit, but OK.
Thanks, babe.
- (HORN HONKS, TYRES SQUEAL) - You motherfucking piece of shit! How fucking dare you cut me off! Starting now.
Yeah, fudge off, ya frog fruit motherchuckin' shoot, duck, duckin, dinkleberg, snunt bitch snunt.
Oh, no, that was a swear word.
Gonna take a while to get used to that.
(VIBRATES) - Debt collectors again? - Yeah, they're obsessed with me.
Well, to be fair, you do owe them $20,000.
I don't know how they expect me to get that money.
I put it out into the universe.
Just chill out, guys.
I'm sure the universe is working really hard to cover your debts.
Well, the universe actually loves me.
Brought us together.
Hey, you're spare room is so much better than my actual room, it's crazy.
Being a fugitive is very comfy.
The debt collectors aren't going to turn up at my house? No, relax.
No-one even knows I'm staying there.
Well, your parents came over last night.
Yeah, well, they helped me move.
Plus I wanted them to meet my new best friend's parents as well.
That went surprisingly good, didn't it? Oh, my God, it did.
Really well.
God, my parents are always like complaining that they never meet any "like-minded Australians.
" Yeah, I've always had to hide my parents away because they're so right wing.
Mmm.
Exhibit A, my mum's 'climate change isn't real' rant.
Yeah, that was kind of full on.
Oh, embarrassing.
This is kind of weird, but you know when your mum was talking about how gay people cause earthquakes or whatever? Oh, yeah.
Did you notice that I think your dad was having a cheeky crack at my mum? Oh, my God.
I am so glad you brought that up.
I wasn't going to say anything, but what? - It was so embarrassing right? - Oh, God.
My mum was laughing at everything he was saying.
My mum never usually laughs.
She says laughing's like a waste of tax payer dollars.
She must really love '200 Jokes For All Occasions' because that's my dad's only material.
I think she was just truly impressed that he'd learnt all 200 jokes.
Hey, Romi, uh, why does the winner of the Miss Universe pageant always come from planet Earth? Hey, Talia, you know what I always say about cliff hangers? (SOFTLY) Thank you for welcoming me into your family.
Your mob.
What's your problem? Oh, I'm meeting Gary's parents tomorrow.
Bit nervous.
Surely at my age the whole don't drink when you're pregnant thing doesn't apply, right? That's just for kids, yeah? Yeah, it is.
That's kind of the point.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh, that's bullshit.
My Uber rating's dropped below 4, and they're saying I can't be a driver anymore.
- Jeez, Bridget! - What have I done? Your kids are always mucking up the car.
Well, that's what kids do.
They mess, they vomit.
They don't tell you how their day's been.
You have no idea how hard it is to raise two kids on your own.
Yeah, and you have no idea how hard it is not to have kids.
What? Everyone thinks you're a leper, with a womb full of vodka, and you have to go to every bullshit social event.
Just because having "kids" is the only legit excuse for doing nothing.
Oh, poor you.
While I'm changing nappies, you're off getting lasers shot up your arse.
Why can't you just be nice to me? - I'm having a bad day.
- And you're blaming me for it.
All I did was lend you my car so you could drive stinky strangers around.
Yeah, well, at least those stinky strangers don't leave sultanas down the sides of the chairs.
How about bringing up your kids with some car manners? Oh, blow it out your lily white bum hole! I would, but I can't, it hurts! - Shut up! - BOTH: Argh! (PHONE RINGS) Oh, hello, Amy Thomas.
Oh, yeah, hi.
Yeah, big fan.
How'd you get my number? Oh, Mark Beretta.
Right.
Definitely.
No, whatever's said on the treadmill stays on the treadmill.
Nah, any venting you want to do about Kochie, my lips are sealed.
I'm sure he is.
You can kind of tell that from watching the show.
Yeah, OK, yep, no.
Say hi to the Cash Cow for me.
OK, bye! No, it was a little known celebrity called Sam Armytage who wants me to be her personal trainer! (BRIDGET AND AMY SCREAMING) - (BOTH LAUGH) - We have to celebrate.
Pub tonight? Can't.
Kids.
(PHONE RINGS) OK, breaking news, my husband and I made up, OK? So don't, just don't even think about the affair.
Forget I told you everything, and just be cool.
Done.
Hey, babe.
I'm just on my way to work.
Say hi to my driver.
G'day, mate.
Hey, buddy.
Can you take me off speaker? - What? - Take me off speaker.
OK.
What's up? Hey, you know what? You know, looks aren't important to me, OK? Except for your looks.
Those are the ones I care about.
OK.
Oh! Mummy wuves you very much.
Yes, she wuves you so much.
Mmm, she wants to cuddle you, cuddle you, cuddle you.
(PURRS) (SOFTLY) I'm talking to my cat.
Look away.
Just mind your own business.
Yes, I'm gonna be home, I'm gonna snuggle you and cuddle you and I'm gonna scratch your tummy up-up-up.
And I'm going to pull your tail.
Yeah, I'm gonna pull your tail so hard.
You're gonna scream.
OK.
Alright, I'm going to talk to you this afternoon.
Bye-bye.
Good to hear that you and your husband are back together.
And just so we're across it, like, he's got nothing to worry about.
I've got a very strict no sleeping with clients policy.
It's best to keep things profesh.
Yeah, that's good, 'cause I also have a strict no murdering people policy.
Pretty great, huh? But I would never say that out loud.
You know who does need to say that out loud? Murderers.
Instantly, I'm regretting saying that.
Yeah, well, if we're being honest, I wasn't talking to my cat.
It's 9am, and a bus has broken down, closing a lane on Sydney Park Road.
Now, remember, getting angry at traffic is pointless.
It's much better to bottle up that anger and then unleash it when you get to work.
Have a great day.
There's a breakdown on Northern Road, and there's a breakdown in this office.
I mean, what am I doing with my life? You've got a very horny aura about you today.
What's happened? I'm not horny.
I'm horny for you to stop calling me horny.
Oh, my God, you're even more horny than I realised.
I kissed a guy from account management this morning.
What?! We did this training workshop first thing, and we bonded over how we've got the same karaoke song, 'Memory' by Barbara Streisand.
A bold choice from him.
And he kissed me in the staff kitchen.
Wait, in like a 'MeToo' kind of way, or? No, in a 'YesPlease' kind of way, reciprocated by both mutual sexual energy, and clear verbally communicated consent.
- Damn, that's hot.
- Mm-hm.
Your new office catch phrase should be like 'Don't talk to me before I've had my morning pash.
' (LAUGHS) God, I feel a bit bad for cheating on Paul.
- Oh, my God, don't.
- Yeah? He's probably busy dipping his dick in the ocean.
I mean, Guy's like really hot, but there's just one slight problem.
Oh, my God.
He eats at Subway? No.
- You're related? - No.
He rollerblades.
He smells like wet dog.
Wait, but like in a non showering type of way, or like from deep within his very core? - Well - Like a smelly soul if you will.
I wondered that, so halfway through, I got him to have a shower in the change rooms.
I made out it was this weird kinky fetish I had.
And after that it was fine, then five minutes later, wet dog again.
Yeah.
You'd be surprised, some women find that quite attractive.
You know, there's a very fine line between stank and pheromones.
Oh, I dated this guy once who was like always like drenched in his own sweat.
He was always so apologetic about it, and I was like, "Dude, come on, I love it.
" "You do your thing.
Let your freak flag fly.
" He smelt like a goat's gym bag, but I loved it.
Well, why did you break up with him? Oh, he used to shadow box to psyche himself up before going down on me.
Which I was kind of into, but, he was always very out of breath by the time he got down there.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Today I saw these guys in like weird outfits and respirators and stuff go up to the warehouse roof.
I'm pretty sure there's a body up there.
Yeah, I saw them too.
I think they're just ghost hunters.
Hope not.
Ghosts suck.
So I heard something, and I'm seriously not saying it was you, but I had an official complaint.
And again, I'm not saying it came from you, but Oh, no, it was me.
I fired you, Brett.
Absolutely, it's your arm, it's a safety issue, so Um, we've got strict workplace protection laws here.
You need three strikes.
I think you might be in shock, 'cause you're fired.
No, I spoke to the union about it, and it's three strikes and you're out system we have in Australia.
Oh, OK, well, you're fired, and you're fired, so that's three.
Yeah.
Technically, they have to be four months apart, and in writing.
My God, this country.
Seems just like the thing criminals would create.
What a system.
(PHONE RINGS) Roger, what's up? No.
He's still here.
Yeah, I guess he needs three strikes.
Yeah, I'm looking right at him.
He's right here.
No.
No, Roger, I'm not going to budge on the toilet seats.
It is not a lot to ask for.
A fresh toilet seat in every executive bathroom of every warehouse that I visit is not a big deal.
All I've ever asked for is a toilet seat, a fresh one, and a driver who's an eight, and that's it.
And by the way, there's men in orange suits working in the roof.
Is it asbestos or not? OK, well, find out, Roger.
Sorry, isn't it isn't it a bit discriminatory to hire someone on the basis of their looks? Oh, I'm sorry, me no understand the genius coming out of your mouth.
Hiring me 'cause I'm an eight? I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure that's some reverse harassment shit right there.
It's not about your looks, OK? It's about being a numerological 8, dickhead.
I get along with them.
But unlike most eights, you're not powerful or financially successful, but you do think you're awesome, so - (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh.
It's a text from my husband, who's a 10.
Numerologically.
'Sexy'? Who the fuck is 'sexy'? Ouch.
It's a private text, Brett.
And you're fired, again.
We need to get painkillers on the way home.
I'm so sorry, darlin'.
I always just thought it would be easy.
Last year my sister got pregnant as soon as she started trying.
Why are my ovaries being so picky? Maybe they didn't like my geriatric sperm.
I told you letting it build up was unhealthy.
You've got your fit, sexy eggs being harassed by my creepy Alan Jones listener sperms.
Well, it's back to no jerking off.
It's more important than ever.
OK.
Starting now.
Oh, Macca! It was a cheeky little grief wank.
What if God's punishing us for our open marriage experiment last year? Babe, God and Mary cheated on Joseph, so it'd be pretty rich of God to judge us on that account.
Yeah, but Mary still managed to get pregnant.
Yeah, but their kid wasn't that special.
I mean, he trained as a carpenter, and then he quit before he got his apprenticeship, so technically he wasn't even a carpenter.
He's a labourer.
Whereas our kid's going to be a champion.
You just wait and see.
He's going to be the next Greg Alexander.
They're going to build a statue of him in the pokies lounge at Panthers.
Or at least in the bistro.
I know you're trying to make me feel better, but right now the inside of my uterus is peeling off and flowing out of my vagina.
So I'm finding it hard to laugh.
I love it when you talk like that.
How long is your car in the shop? Hey? Well, how long do I have to keep driving you around? Oh, got it here somewhere.
Uh, for as long as I want, 'cause I'm in charge of your mother's will.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, OK.
Good one, Aunty Al.
What's wrong? Oh, bloody flogs who run the forklifts can get stuffed.
I'm not the only one who can't bloody point the pointy things at the right level.
You mean the forks? Yeah, it's hard to aim, and sometimes you end up, you know .
.
you stab the product, and then they get all angry and you get stuck.
Oh, let me guess, you've been taken off the forklifts, haven't you? Worse.
I'm bloody now supervising forklift personnel.
Like, that's like where I started, but lower in lev It's just another bloody case of the gay man being taken off the floor.
Could be just a case of being shit at driving a forklift.
Look, yeah, probably.
(PHONE CHIMES) Ah.
There we go.
Yay.
Well, another one bites the bloody dust.
What? Davis has officially broken up with me.
What, so removing himself completely from your life wasn't official enough for you? I was hoping we were just on a break, Al.
No.
No-one in a relationship leaves the relationship to go and willingly live with their mum.
How long were you guys together? I don't know.
Eight months or whatever.
Oh, that's par for you.
Actually that's better than par, that's a birdie.
So you should take that relationship as a win.
If Davis and I can't make it, what hope is there for anyone else? - Are you serious? - Yes.
You betrayed him with a fake Malaysian lover, and lost your 300K redundancy that Davis helped you get.
Where's your bloody empathy? I mean, I can't help it if I'm extremely attracted to Malaysian men.
They're like the bloody Italians of the Orient.
- The what? - The Italians of the Orient.
They're bloody all bloody dark and mysterious and swarthy.
I've never met a dark, mysterious, swarthy Malaysian.
You've never lived.
Have you not watched a Malaysian man crouch and smoke a cigarette? You don't need to worry, Gary, I'm great with parents.
Yeah, but you're terrible with blackfellas.
Do you mind, Gary? I prefer the word Aborigines.
Blackfellas is the word that's not offensive, Bridget.
We can't keep having this conversation.
You've got to get less ignorant.
I love Aboriginal blackfellas.
I voted for Casey Donovan on Idol over 30 times.
Please don't say that when you meet my family.
In fact, stop saying that in general.
And don't tell us our kids are so cute.
Oh, but they are.
They look like little Please don't say Chico lollies.
I just want to eat them up.
Oh, Jesus.
And don't say, "Oh, your skin is so beautiful.
Can I please touch it?" If I had skin like yours, Gary, I'd let everyone touch it.
And don't call us 'cuz'.
And if you do call us that by accident, don't say, "It's OK 'cause my boyfriend's black.
" I don't even think of you as black.
Don't say that either, Bridget.
And stop referring to everyone you know as your mob.
You're white.
You don't have a mob.
You have friends, and relatives, and acquaintances.
Yeah, my mob.
Oh And don't be telling my sister that she looks like Cathy Freeman.
Does she look like Cathy Freeman? It's uncanny.
But don't say it! And definitely don't tell the story of how you lost your virginity to Yothu Yindi's 'Treaty'.
- True story.
- Just don't say it.
OK, Gary.
Your people have had a hard enough time without me adding to it with my big mouth.
Thank you.
I know how it feels 'cause my people have also had a hard time.
- Your people? - Redheads.
We're still waiting for our apology, Gary.
Bury him deep, you drive home, you bloody burn your clothes, then I'd spray and wipe down the car, get rid of all the DNA evidence, and then I'd bloody bleach the bath.
Why are you bleaching the bath? Because, obviously, because I had myself a bath.
Why? Because I'm all stressed out from the murder.