St. Denis Medical (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Well, your son's surgery went great.
They're just stitching him up now,
and then you can go in and see him.
Thank you so much.
Would it be weird to give you a hug?
I think it'd be weird if you didn't.
[LAUGHTER]
I've become kind of the go-to guy
for communicating
good news with families.
Huge responsibility.
I'm basically the voice of the hospital.
Honestly, pretty flattered
they trusted me with it.
Yeah, we have Matt update the families
because it's basically
impossible to screw up.
So for the first few weeks
after a hernia surgery,
he's not going to want to lift
anything over 20 pounds.
Hernia surgery?
He's here to have his toe reattached.
- His toe?
- His pinky toe, yeah.
What hernia?
Unless you gave the news
to the wrong family.
Uh, well, um, when they
were working on the toe,
which is obviously
the primary reason he's here,
they discovered the hernia.
How did they find a hernia
by looking at his toe?
Well, it's all connected.
Uh, the toe bone's connected to the
you know the song.
At any rate,
the hernia has been repaired.
That's gratis, by the way,
and now onto the toe, so
- Excuse me.
- Ah!
My son's also here for a hernia surgery.
- Do you how that's going?
- Can't help you.
- Sorry.
- What
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
If you have any questions,
Dr. Taylor will be performing
your appendectomy.
Otherwise, we can
head on over to the OR.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
I'm sorry, but she says you can't start
until her cross is here.
My cousin's bringing it over now.
Well, we have plenty of
crosses here we could lend her.
- She really shouldn't wait.
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
No.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
- She only wants her cross.
- She feels it will protect her.
Mrs. Gutierrez, Dr. Taylor really is
one of the best surgeons around.
- Yes.
- Ignore the outfit.
I was in a cardio tennis class
when they paged me, so
You are in very capable hands.
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]
- Hm.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
More capable than Jesus Christ?
I'm sorry. That's how she said it.
Well, maybe, um, different, uh,
- specialties, ma'am.
- I will wait.
Well, page me when it comes.
I am going to try to get my steps in.
You don't waste a minute, huh?
- What's that?
- I'm on a yeah.
Hey. Oh, no, that was just some guy.
[SIGHS]
The woman has a ticking
time bomb in her body,
an experienced surgeon
ready to remove it,
and all she's worried about is if
her lucky charm is in the room.
- It's her religion.
- Religion is not the point.
We offered her a cross,
but it was the magic
of her specific cross
that she wanted.
It's just kind of crazy.
Yeah, and she had a super annoying son.
- No, that's not
- They were annoying.
What? I'm agreeing with you, Ron.
Well, this isn't a personal thing.
I just think it's
a little nuts that people
are still putting their
superstition over science.
Yeah, but there's truth
to superstitions, though.
Mm-hmm.
Like how saying it's a quiet shift
- makes it get busy.
- Oh, my God.
It doesn't.
Or how full moons bring out the crazies.
- They don't.
- Oh, come on.
Everybody has something
that they believe in
that's not 100% proven.
Like, I'm into astrology.
Does the science hold up?
No, but it's fun.
- Wait, wait, hold on.
- Alex, you believe in astrology?
- No.
- I don't know.
I just think it's fun
to read my horoscope
and see how people's signs match up
- with their personalities.
- Wow.
- This'll be good.
- I'm a Capricorn.
So why don't you tell me
about myself, Nostradamus?
Capricorns are supposed to be
intelligent, ambitious leaders.
- Oh, sure.
- OK.
That's a little interesting.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Oh.
Our philosophy here at St. Denis
is that you can't heal the body
without also healing the soul,
and that is where
Chaplain Steve comes in.
- Good morning.
- Chaplain Steve is so amazing.
He speaks multiple languages.
How many languages do you speak?
- Two.
- Two.
So bilingual. Wow.
Well, he provides so much
comfort to those in need
the elderly, the infirm.
But don't worry.
I don't let him around the kids.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
And that's priests, not chaplains.
[CHUCKLES]
Not all priests, but, of course, some.
So what are you talking
to Mrs. Gutierrez about?
Doña Maria and I were just discussing
- the importance of faith.
- Faith, yes.
Oh, I'm obsessed with faith. Go on.
Well, I I was telling her
the story about.
Naaman the Aramean,
whose leprosy was cured
when the prophet Gehazi had him bathe
- in the Jordan River.
- Mm.
Mm, mm, mm. I love it.
Sorry, did you say the prophet Gehazi?
Gehazi, yes.
Oh.
Cool.
First of all,
that's a parable about grace,
not faith.
Also, the prophet
in that story is Elisha.
Gehazi is his servant,
who he cursed with leprosy.
I mean, I learned this stuff
when I was seven
in a coloring book.
Mr. Plemmons in 3 is recovering.
- Should be able to go home soon.
- Well, that's great news.
Knock on wood.
Well, if we're still on this,
that is Formica,
and I'm sure that is a pet peeve
for your wood demons.
Oh, it's the thought that counts.
- And the amoxicillin.
- Yes, that's true, actually.
They both count, OK?
Only, magical thinking, that
doesn't really do anything.
- [SIGHS]
- You're wrong, dude.
There's weird stuff you can't explain.
Like, every time I wear
my lucky pink socks,
nobody codes.
So why don't you wear them every day?
Because that'd be gross.
And my laundry is in the basement.
Well, I mean, I wish
all that magic did work.
It'd make my job a whole lot easier.
Zap! No more cirrhosis.
Zap! No more cancer.
- Wait, I have cancer?
- Uh, no, no.
We're just kidding, man. You good.
In Serena's defense, though,
there is some evidence
behind magical thinking. You know,
like, carrying a rabbit's foot
might not cure hypertension,
but if rubbing one calms you down,
then it could lower your blood pressure.
That's my girl.
That's just the placebo effect.
That doesn't mean mystical spirits
are working behind the scenes.
I'm just saying, don't mess with stuff
- you don't understand.
- Or what?
Maybe we don't find out or what,
- and we all just do our jobs.
- [CHUCKLES]
Attention, people. Quick announcement.
I'm calling on all spirits,
good and evil,
to use your magic and your powers
to hex this place. So I guess we'll see.
No, I get that it's alarming
that your finger smells like that,
but you still have to wait your turn.
Hi, um, I brought my Aunt Maria's cross,
Maria Gutierrez.
She's getting her appendix out.
- You can just give it to me.
- Oh, it's just outside.
Mother [BLEEP].
Going to need to leave
this gauze on for a bit.
Take it easy.
Maybe save that mud wrestling
for another night, OK?
Well, I hope you're happy.
Oh, I haven't been happy in years.
I'm satisfied.
I just drained
the most beautiful abscess.
I mean, this thing was, mwah.
I meant 'cause your hex already started.
That guy who came in for heatstroke,
they found melanoma on his ear,
so nice work.
Someone comes to a hospital
and is diagnosed with a disease?
This is unheard of.
OK, well, how do you explain
Nurse Angie getting pink eye
from the patient in 2?
We had to send her home for the day.
Angie got pink eye
because she doesn't wash her damn hands.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Transport to
vascular imaging please.
Uh, and this is one of our walls
that you may recognize
from the hallways.
Oh, Chaplain Steve. How goes it?
You doing that God's work or what?
- Sure.
- Nice.
You know, I actually grew up
pretty relig myself.
What denomination you repping?
I don't disclose that.
It muddies my work
as an interfaith chaplain.
- OK, Catholic.
- Just kidding.
Anyway, I'm pretty new around here,
as you can probably tell,
and I'm just learning so much.
I guess I kind of feel like
the Apostle Paul
whenever he attended
the Sermon on the Mount.
- You ever have days like that?
- Sure, sure.
Those Paul mountain moments?
All the time.
- Hmm.
- But if you'll excuse me, I
- I really should be going.
- Yeah.
Yes, you should. [CHUCKLES]
I'm sorry, so you think
our chaplain is a liar?
Not a liar, a fraud, Joyce.
And this is because of a
disagreement about scripture?
He thinks Paul attended
the Sermon on the Mount.
Oh, OK, I guess while Paul
was out spreading
the good word in Asia,
he also had a moment
to build a time machine. [CHUCKLES]
I know I have a lot to learn
on the nursing side.
I admit that.
But the Bible? [CHUCKLES]
Let's just say when you're
only allowed to read one book,
you get to know that book pretty well.
Well, you know,
he probably just misspoke.
I say things all the time.
I can't defend half of it.
What do we know about this guy, really?
He's a chaplain.
His name is Steve. He's Chaplain Steve.
Yeah, says who, OK?
Where did he go to divinity school?
You know, who ordained him?
I mean, did you even bother to
do a background check, Joyce?
Did you do your job, Joyce?
Excuse me?
Sorry, um, I had
a black tea this morning,
and that will never happen again.
I'll stick to water.
You know, there's a lot to it.
Hmm?
There's a lot to this astrology stuff.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's fun, right?
It's fascinating.
I mean, it sucks that
it's been appropriated
by all these woo-woo white ladies
because when you really think about it,
the science backs it up.
It's not about the science for me.
I just like it.
Well, you might think,
are Capricorns actually tough?
But a baby born in winter
would have to be
more resilient from
an evolutionary standpoint.
I mean, the weaker babies
simply wouldn't make it.
OK, I I got to take this.
I'm actually thinking,
the moon moves the ocean,
so why wouldn't it affect a fetus?
Yeah.
A fetus is smaller than an ocean.
It's actually way smaller.
I've actually decided this goes
in the women's restroom now, so
- Oh, wow.
- Huh.
[BOXES CLATTERING]
Oh! Oh! Hey, Val, do you need a hand?
- Yes.
- Thank you so much.
- Of course.
- Happy to help.
Hey, anyone around to give Val a hand?
She's really struggling here!
Hang in there.
Mitch, call maintenance
for the guy in 1.
His TV's not working.
For some reason.
Those flat screens
are from the Clinton era.
And the printer in Zone B
just ran out of ink,
so we can't use it.
The low toner light's
been blinking for days.
My son just called.
He didn't make varsity. Thanks, Ron.
OK, enough.
These are just normal things
that happen all the time.
People get sick. Electronics break.
And, Keith, no offense. I met your son.
He's an inside kid.
So can we all just take a breath?
- Dr. Taylor, what happened?
- Oh, I went for a quick hike.
- I got bit by a rattlesnake.
- Antivenom in 105!
Surgeons getting bit by snakes.
Is that something
that happens all the time?
I feel like I'd remember that.
He says he graduated from
your divinity school in 2010.
Steve Lassen. He's 5'10", brown eyes.
With some golden flecks.
- Oh, I never noticed that.
- Mm-hmm.
They're nice.
Yeah, no record
of that name here.
- Yes!
- We got him.
- Are you sure?
- Maybe you can check again.
- Uh, just checked again.
- Still nothing.
OK, um, well, thanks for your help,
and, uh, blessed be
the fruits of your day.
[PHONE BEEPS]
As if I don't have enough
to do today already.
Fire a chaplain, hire a chaplain.
Paperwork, paperwork.
Feels pretty good, though, right?
Should we take this across the board?
I could start looking into
some of the doctors.
- No!
- No, no, not needed.
Oh, because I have already checked,
and they're fine.
Win for Matt.
So with Dr. Taylor out, I'll be handling
the Gutierrez appendectomy.
- I could really use your help.
- Sure. What's up?
So it looks like
Uranus is completing its cycle,
which, I don't have to tell you,
it could be alarming. What do you think?
- You've eaten today, right?
- Hey. Hi. Hey.
I need you here, Alex. Come on.
This isn't [BLEEP] Pluto
we're dealing with.
This is serious.
- Oh, no.
- [BLEEP].
Oh, you brought your crystals.
Do we really need these?
We got to shake up the energy in here.
There's snakes now.
Well, I've always said
the fate of our patients
rests on whether or not
there's a tiny piece
of quartz on this counter.
You, you saved the hospital!
First off, that's peach moonstone.
And I'm not saying these can,
like, cure kidney disease,
but there is something real about vibes.
So are these vibes here
with us right now in the room?
Yes, just because
you can't see something
doesn't mean it's not there.
I mean, we've only known about
germs for, like, 200 years.
- That's not a bad point.
- Thank you.
- Oh, not you too.
- I'm just saying.
I refuse to live in a world
in which you are on their side.
At the very least,
the hex has gotten into
people's heads.
It's been a very weird day.
And not to make this about me,
but I think Bruce
and I are best friends now,
and it's been very destabilizing.
So can you just please, please, please,
can you just indulge everyone
and say the hex is over?
No, I'm not going to validate
some kind of nonsense
that leads to bad medicine.
If I give in on this,
then I'm part of the problem.
OK.
So the hex stays
because the hex isn't real.
In fact, I'm doubling down on the hex.
- Double hex, people.
- Actually
And before you say one hex
can cancel out the other, triple hex!
Damn it.
- Ah!
- Where's the [BLEEP] antivenom?
Almost ready, Steph.
Technically, the word is
"antivenin," not "venom."
It's a common mistake.
Thank God you were here, Bruce.
- That was a close one.
- Jesus, what happened here?
I got bit by a rattlesnake.
So now we're down a nurse,
a chaplain, and a surgeon?
What is with today?
Ron, you want to take this one?
Yeah, it's fine.
We're going to give her
the antivenom for the bite
Venin.
And maybe toss in some crystals
and change the vibe of the poison.
It actually doesn't look
too bad, honestly.
It's, you know,
swollen, pale, kind of blotchy.
- It's the other one.
- Oh, my God!
That's much worse.
- Yeah.
- Wow, that was one snake?
- Yeah.
- You're kidding.
- Oh, wow.
- [SCREAMS]
- I'm sorry.
- Bruce!
- I don't know why I did that.
- Can you
[GRUNTING]
[PANTING]
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
There's really not much else I can say
other than I'm so sorry.
You almost got away with it,
but you want to know
where you slipped up?
- Not really.
- Can I still do my speech?
Steve, I'm going to have to let you go.
You're firing me because
I didn't graduate divinity school?
Joyce, I'm a good chaplain.
I don't need an official degree
to comfort the sick.
Look, I want to do this
even less than you, believe me,
but St. Denis has
a zero tolerance policy
for lying about credentials.
And we all know where liars go.
Oh, or maybe you don't know.
Who is this guy?
Yeah, it's incredible.
Astrology really helps you
reframe toxic narratives.
For instance, this resident
Carrie and I had this thing,
and I always thought
she broke up with me
because I cheated on her, but, no,
it turns out we were both cheating
our fate. Yeah.
I'm an earth sign. She's a fire sign.
Totally incompatible.
Whereas her sister and I, well
You!
Grab the other end of this!
- Oh, I'm not really
- Just do it!
- Uh, OK, fine.
- Yeah. OK.
All right, hold on, hold on. I got it.
- Yeah, there. How's that?
- Go left.
- Yeah, OK.
- No, left!
- My hands are wet.
- We're so close.
- Let's just get there.
- Yeah.
- Hurry up!
- Oh!
Ow!
[GROANING] Oh, my finger.
Damn it.
Are you sure you can handle this?
Oh.
Yeah, this should be a total breeze.
[CHUCKLES]
Just because we're down a chaplain
doesn't mean people
have suddenly stopped
needing spiritual guidance.
Luckily, there's someone on staff
who's an expert in both
medicine and the Bible.
Also, the sequel to the Bible
that my grandpa wrote.
This is just a temporary fix.
You will not believe what
happens to masturbators in it.
OK, I have a script. Let us pray.
Amen.
Heavenly Father, Bless Mr. Name
uh, his his name,
which is Mr. Normand.
You know, I think the D might be silent.
- He kind of looks French to me.
- For sure.
Um, bless Mr. Normand or "Nor-mahn,"
depending on his Frenchness, Lord,
in this time of weakness and comfort him
with the promise of loading next page
uh, with the promise of eternal life.
You don't have this memorized?
This is my first time doing this.
- I'm trying to find the groove
- Keep going.
- Keep going.
- Almighty God, we entrust
It's gambling time!
Subscribe for
instant $200 credit.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- You know what?
- No questions asked.
- I'm just going to
I'm going to subscribe.
Do you have a credit card
I could use or
[STAND CLATTERS]
[DEVICES BUZZING]
Uh, sorry. Let me fix that.
Um oh, that is not life support.
So no big deal. I can turn this off.
[DEVICES BEEPING] Nope.
- There's a plug.
- Désolé.
God, what a day.
We almost lost the second most valuable
instrument in this hospital my hand.
- Mm-hmm.
- Good thing it's not broken.
Yeah, but still, the swelling's not
going down anytime soon,
and Mrs. Gutierrez
can't really risk another delay,
so I'm going to need you
to do the surgery.
- What?
- What happened to the backup?
- I was the backup.
- What's the problem, Ron?
You've done this plenty of times.
Yeah, not in, like, a decade.
And this time,
it'll be even easier because
you'll have access
to the first most valuable
instrument in the hospital
my brain.
I know what'll help.
I'll show you a GIF of that
"you can do it" guy
from those Adam Sandler movies,
you know.
[AS ROB SCHNEIDER] You can do it!
[CHUCKLES] So funny.
- Ready for the first trocar.
- All right, here we go.
Be confident, but go easy.
Mean it, but don't force it.
- Be gentle, but
- Stop talking.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Such a Pisces.
Well, that didn't go perfectly,
but it was just my first time,
and I think if I could practice
on some already dead people
sounds spooky but I'm brave and
Chaplain Steve, you're still here.
I promised Mrs. Gutierrez
I'd be here when she wakes up.
- I hope that's OK with you.
- Yes, of course.
Actually, that's very
that's very thoughtful.
[INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- These are from home.
I brought the cotton balls in,
and then now I'm taking them home.
Look, in the spirit
of grace and whatnot,
I would like you to stay on as chaplain.
- We should probably talk
- What?
OK, but you're going to have
to go to divinity school
at night on your own dime.
- Is this an official
- Is that fair?
- Absolutely.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh.
- I appreciate this.
It's all right.
Blessings be upon you.
And, hey, no hard feelings, man.
You know, it's actually
a really tough job,
and you seem to be
super good at it, so
Honestly, dude, step off me right now.
Oh.
Uh, OK.
Uh, sorry.
- Perfect.
- Camera's where you want it.
Now try to get to the colon,
and we'll be right there.
There's a lot of scar tissue.
- That's OK. Keep going.
- See if you can push past it.
- Can't seem to get around it.
- Behind.
- Nice and easy.
- That's it, real gentle.
- Uh-oh, uh-oh, ooh.
- Are you seeing this, Bruce?
Yeah, wow, all right,
it's really starting to bleed.
- I can't see.
- I need suction.
You're gonna have to open her up.
- What?
- You know you have to, Ron.
Open her up.
All right, we're opening her up!
[MONITORS BEEPING] Give me a 10 blade.
Let's have the appendectomy retractor
- and DeBakey clamp ready.
- Yes, Doctor.
Let's transfuse two units
of packed red blood cells.
- Transfusing two units.
- Ron?
- BP is dropping.
- Ron, we need to move.
I heard you.
- 80, 70.
- Come on, Ron.
[MONITORS BEEPING]
OK, all right, all right.
Oh, I wouldn't call
what I did in there prayer.
It was, uh, more a verbal,
uh, centering of
[SIGHS]
Look, there are no atheists
in the foxhole, OK?
[APPLAUSE]
Nice.
- Hey, great job in there.
- Thank you.
Just like riding a bike,
which is, frankly, terrifying at my age.
It seemed like you were
talking to someone in the sky,
- perhaps like a sky scientist?
- Hmm.
Heavenly Father,
please make her disappear.
- Oh, wow.
- Well, she's not going anywhere.
This is a hard job for all of us.
And you learn pretty early on
that you have to cling
to whatever's going to get you
through the day,
whether that's your beliefs
or your friendships or even
just a lucky pair of socks.
[GRUNTS]
You do what
you have to do because
we're all here
for the same reason.
- We want to help people.
- Alex. Oh, excuse me.
This is important.
How familiar are you with
the Chinese zodiac?
So I'm Year of the Monkey.
And since Capricorn's a goat,
that makes me a goat monkey
or, as I call it, a "gonkey."
Um, let me go get a pen.
I'll draw it for you.
It was just something I like
to do sometimes, you know?
For fun. It was it was fun.
[SIGHS]