Stags (2024) s01e03 Episode Script
The Toilet
I think there's more than
just breaking in on it.
Yeah, otherwise, why would
they arrest all of us?
I can make all of this go away.
All I need is a phone.
SELMA: You did so
well, Clementine.
I'm not a surgeon. I'm a vet.
[speaking Spanish]
[sighing]
Come in here, you losers. Sing.
Ahhhh ♪
[speaking in Spanish]
All your friends in
here, they all think
this is my fucking
fault and only my fault.
What are you [grunting]
You must never allow
yourself to be alone
with that man in a toilet.
Na, na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
Na, na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
[distant shouting]
Here comes the hotstepper ♪
[passes gas]
Murderer ♪
I'm the lyrical gangster ♪
[groaning]
Still love you like that ♪
Where's that chicken?
[chicken clucking]
I am not a bad person.
No, no. Of course not.
No. Not bad.
I I was defending my friends.
I was, I promise. You
got to believe me.
I don't know because I'm pretty
sure you killed your friends
then stuffed them down toilets.
Hmm? I'm pretty
sure that's you.
I I didn't mean to kill him.
- Hmm.
- I swear, promise.
Don't say a-anything.
- Hmm.
- You gotta believe me.
[sighs]
Hey, do we believe him? Hmm?
We think he's a
liar, don't we? Hmm?
We think he better do
what we ask him to
or else we talk.
Don't we? Hmm?
I
Because I need you
and you need me.
Don't you?
[sighs]
You're gonna play
them with chicken.
[shushing]
Yes?
[chicken clucks]
It was here.
Jesus. One job!
- [clucking]
- Do you know what?
You really know how
to shit the tent, Kai.
- I didn't shit the tent!
- Proper.
It was here. The chicken
was here the whole time.
I don't understand.
Right, shoes.
- What?
- I want your shoes.
Why should I be the
one walking round
getting God knows
what on my feet
when you let the
chicken I bought go?
I didn't let the chicken
go, Dad. I didn't.
What do you want me to say, Kai?
I'm sorry, but we're not
tucked up in bed reading
Horton Hears a fucking
Who! Anymore, are we, son?
What we are is hungry.
Try starving.
Okay. Shoes. Fine.
Take the shoes. They
don't fit you anyway.
- I'm a seven.
- [sighs]
And what are we gonna eat, Kai?
- All right.
- [chicken clucking]
That's my fucking chicken.
Oh. Was this already ours?
Stu, seriously, where did
you find that chicken?
I I I can't guarantee
I can sell this idea.
It's no problem.
You give them the chicken,
then you are a hero.
And then you have to say this.
So, look, I've got an idea.
Apparently,
the cocaine factory are
always looking for new people.
Who? The what?
They make coke
here. Like openly.
We could get ourselves
down there tomorrow,
make a bit of coin.
That one chicken
won't go far, right?
We need to make
money to buy food.
Hate to run up Stu's
arse, but[sighs]
Probably wouldn't hurt
with that mad Selma bint
if we could show her
we're at least pulling in
some money for ourselves, right?
Easter Saturday tomorrow,
most people here will be
at home, observing it.
We turn up ready to work,
might put us over the top.
Now, what boss doesn't
like a hard worker?
Just gonna go for a slash.
[eerie music]
What are you doing?
It is what it is, yeah.
Stupid really. I'm just, um
I'm still thinking of Ant.
Yeah, I can see that.
I should've been
there for him, John.
I should've seen
him off, you know?
[sniffling]
Right, look alive. Outside.
We're having a service for Ant.
Like, now, though?
Get up. We all
need some closure.
Who's going to say something?
[sighs]
I fucking love you, Ant.
It was always the three of us.
And then the four.
Then the four of us.
Anthony, I watched you grow up.
You were a little shit,
but little boys are
supposed to be little shits.
You were kind, though, too,
and you stayed kind.
Most men don't.
He was funny.
He was fucking funny.
He deserved better than this.
[sighs]
To me, Ant
Like fuck you're
saying anything.
Ry.
Probably still got parts of
him under your fingernails,
you fucking psycho.
Ry.
You know, he was pretty
fucking at home picking parts
of him up off the floor, Kai.
So, I'm thinking maybe
Greg had helped him.
Maybe that was you,
right? So shut up.
Who, Kai?
Kai had nothing to do
with any drug trafficking.
[sniffles] Thanks, Dad.
Whoever dreams these sort of
schemes up has to be smart.
So look at it for what it is.
It's hardly gonna be Kai, is it?
Hey.
[grunts]
- [metal dings]
- Ow! Balls!
[sniffles]
[gentle music]
[sighs]
[speaking in Spanish]
- Sí?
- Sí.
- Como?
- Sí!
[clattering]
[wind gusting]
[banging]
[speaking Spanish]
Qué?
Ave Maria ♪
- Wonderful.
- I'm glad you like it.
It's, uh It's outside
of, like, my natural range.
Well, I could not tell.
- Do you know what this is?
- No.
It's a land mine. Each Easter,
families gather for
dinner to be together,
to give thanks.
It is a special time.
And this year our
boss, Senor Gomez,
is coming for dinner and
the burning of Judas.
That is when you will place this
underneath the seat cushion
of my brother's chair.
He will seat there for 10, maybe
20 minutes before going to bed.
He always does. Then
when he stands up,
boom.
Um
Uh, why would you?
Who would go through the
trouble of using a land mine
when knives and bullet exist?
It will look as though Branco
was killed by opportunists.
Extreme, unsophisticated
opportunists.
He's my brother.
It should not look as
though I killed him.
Jesus Christ.
[sighs]
[taps table] Um
Um
I I I'm in finance
and I'm risk confident,
but when I'm taking a risk,
there has to be a reward.
[gun clicks]
Carefully tell me what you want.
I need to escape.
I don't belong here.
My bet is that you
can arrange that.
That you can get me out.
Please.
Yes, it is possible.
Just you, not your
little friends.
- [clears throat]
- So, now,
once more from the top.
Uh
Ah ♪
♪
Come on. Senior Gomez
will be here soon.
Keep out of his way.
[speaking in Spanish]
Ciao, bella.
Davide.
Should we kiss or should
we save that for Christmas?
Ooh, let's wait, sweetheart.
We shouldn't indulge
ourselves too much at Easter.
We're not heretics.
[chuckling] Baby, could you
check on the fish for me?
Ti amo, amore.
Got him well
trained, haven't you?
Haven't I just.
You'll have to tell
me your secret.
Well, I suppose I
just don't treat him
like he's a fucking
idiot, Selma.
- And are those for us?
- Yes.
How nice.
They'll look lovely in the
spare bedroom's toilet.
This is Hugo.
Hugo will be singing
for us later.
Branco's been told.
[chuckles] Ooh.
Hello.
Staff over there.
[eerie music]
[speaking Spanish]
Perfecto.
Oh, shit!
Oi, Dad! Can you plop
your teeth back in
and stop dropping sacks
like a sad old twat?
I'll show you "sad old twat."
Wait.
[speaking Spanish]
No, no, no, no.
Dad, what is this?
Come on, mate.
- Get up.
- Eh!
Eh!
Can you stop
showing off, please?
Go on. Get up.
Hey, what the fuck happened?
What happened? Are we
fucking out of here?
Did you get the phone to Greg?
I found Greg, okay?
He took the phone.
What?
That's it. He vanished.
[sighs]
I'm sorry, Ry. I
I I messed up.
But I've been dreading
tell you this.
Vamos! Trabajar.
- Can you guys get back to work?
- Fuck off, Kai.
Tell me more about it later.
[stomach gurgling]
[dramatic music]
Did you okay this?
What? Where's the fire?
Yes, she mentioned a chorister.
Give the thing a touch
of class for Gomez.
[speaking Spanish]
I don't like surprises, okay?
Okay, baby?
Especially if they're from her.
Always trying to bloody
control everything.
He's arrived Branco. Come on.
The dinner is for
Gomez, not Selma.
- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?
And what the fuck
have you come as?
You look like something
they might pull out the
back of a sick horse.
Do you know anything
about this fucking VIP?
[machines rattling]
You need to speed up, mate.
Do you wanna do it, do you?
I'm just telling
you what Luba said.
You need to be bricking it
as fast as they're mixing
Why don't you eat my dick, Kai?
Do you want me to tell
her you said that?
Oh, just 'cause you
speak Spanish, right?
Doesn't change anything.
Doesn't make you Antonio
fucking Banderas, does it?
Right? You're still
the same bitch
who shits in tents,
loses chickens
I didn't lose the chicken.
[sirens blaring]
Jesus.
Oh, shit. Sorry, sorry.
I think that was me.
I opened up a window
in the toilet.
[speaking Spanish]
She says they're
not alarmed, mate.
[blaring continues]
Ah!
Hmm?
[blaring continues]
[beeping]
[alarm stops]
- [panting]
- [stomach gurgling]
Thank you again, all,
for speaking in English.
Davide's Spanish is coming on,
but I'm afraid he's
not quite a pro yet.
- And it's his home, too.
- [laughter]
He should know what the hell
is being said at the table,
shouldn't he?
Food should arrive
shortly, Senor Gomez.
Been seeing to it myself.
It should be a wonderful
Not much appetite left.
I'll eat what I eat.
Salut.
Cheers.
Hmm.Grazie.
HUGO: I don't get it.
If he's such a VIP,
then why have they got
a vet operating on him?
CLEMENTINE: They're not telling
him I'm a vet, are they?
It was supposed to be
that doctor-y weirdo
doing the transplant, but
he's still seeing double
since Ant brained him.
So I'm plan B. [scoffs]
They're trying to pass me off
as some fucking
Harley Street whiz.
What do you think
they'll do to me, Hugo,
if someone they're scared
of dies on my watch?
Some more champagne,
Senor Gomez?
I currently have a cirrhotic
liver, you fucking idiot.
[sighs]
[snickering]
[coughing]
Lost your sense
of humour, Selma?
Hmm?
Somewhere else you'd rather be?
SELMA: No. Thinking about work.
Never not working, Branco.
I'm sure you almost
remember how it is.
Hmm. You know, I think
it is very, um
fashionable these days,
Senor Gomez, to be a bitch.
It is true.
But you know what?
I like it. I like bitches.
Hear him? He likes it.
He likes it,cabrones.
Hmm.
Being in here, Clem, all this
I think I need to pull a lot
of my life choices into review.
Like the credit cards for kids?
Bro! It will boost their credit.
If anything, I'm helping them.
Right, what are you saying?
I'm saying
It's great.
This is an actual land mine.
I'm supposed to slip this
under Branco's cushion.
I cut a deal with Selma.
I do this, she says
she can get me out.
Just me. I asked about the
rest of you, but it's just me.
But I think you should
tell her I told you.
Use it as leverage to
get yourself out with me.
Otherwise, you'll threaten
to tell her brother.
I
Vamos.
[metal door opens]
What the
Kai, Kai, shush, mate, shush.
- What the hell?
- No, no, no, no.
Wait, it's not fair, is it,
you're not giving me
a chance to explain?
Well, go on then.
There's this guy.
He's a janitor.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, why is that a secret?
He's not meant to be
working today, is he?
If she finds out he's here,
he's gonna get it in the neck.
He was meant to
descale the pipes
before they broke up for Easter.
Hmm.
Well, we should be
helping each other out.
The little guys.
Right, yeah. All right.
[exhales]
Thank you, mate. You did
the right thing there.
Yeah. Yeah, time.
That's what I was saying.
We have We need to work.
Come on. Cack to work.
We're not finished here, Stu.
This is Clementine.
She's our gifted surgeon.
We're very lucky to
have her here with us.
You've done this
operation before?
Yes.
Clementine.
Many times?
Many times.
[sighs]
It has been bad for me,
living in this condition.
A bad liver does not suit a man
who's forced to move
as much as I am.
From a devil to an angel.
One thing growing older
teaches you, gratitude.
So I humbly thank you both.
- Mmm.
- [speaking in Spanish]
Selma, may I have a word?
Uh, no. I don't think so, Clem.
Run along, please.
No, I don't think
this should wait.
If she wants to talk to
you, you talk to her, Selma.
Come on. Not everything
must be so difficult.
What is it, Clem?
I really thought you
were smarter than this.
I'm prepared to go in
there and tell him. I am.
I could scream it, right
here. I could just screa
Shut up for a second.
Generally speaking, I
like meeting a woman
who's unafraid to
push for herself.
But the day you've
chosen to push me
is far from fucking
general, understand?
Fine. It'll be the two of you.
- Tonight?
- Not tonight.
You still need to
operate on Gomez.
Once it's done.
I'm going back
wherever Hugo is.
You need him alive, so
safest place for me.
♪
[panting]
♪
[panting]
[man speaking
Spanish, indistinct]
[panting]
[speaking Spanish]
[chain rattling]
[growling]
[chain rattling]
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
[singing in Spanish]
[growling]
[banging]
[chain rattling]
[growling]
- Andale.
- [tape scraping]
[stomach gurgling]
[panting]
Oi.
Don't you want to be getting
out of here before Luba sees?
Oi. Mate.
Mate. Mate.
- [panting]
- Do you actually work here?
Will you believe anything
that you are told?
Are you idiot?
[panting]
[stomach gurgling]
[grunting]
Brrr.
[groaning]
[straining]
Na, na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
Na, na-na-na-na ♪
[passes gas]
- [squirting]
- [coughing]
[panting]
Na, na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
Na, na-na-na ♪
- [grunting]
- [passes gas]
Very generous, Branco.
Good of you to go
through the trouble.
Branco was telling me when
you girls were outside
how he misses the way things
used to run around here.
Was he now? And which
parts does he miss?
Well, I just think the way
things used to be done
around here had a bit more
Balls.
You really are such
a dull bastard.
Whoa, eh, come on! Eh!
[speaking Spanish]
Natural order is it
when a woman sits
at the top of a jungle?
I mean, what's next?
Cats fucking dogs?
Or sandwiches eating people?
All right, enough.
[Selma laughing]
You know, he's
campaigned for months
to host it here for
Easter, Senor Gomez,
rather than at mine.
He thought he was going
to do such a good job
at impressing you with a
lot of crabs. [chuckles]
That you'd suddenly
think he's fit
to be put back in
charge of the place.
Laughable.
[speaking Spanish]
I only came here to meet
the Harley Street doctor
and look her in the eye.
I've done that. I'm leaving.
[sighs]
♪
[speaking Spanish]
Sing.
I said fucking sing!
[clears throat]
Ave Maria ♪
Na, na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
- Na-na-na-na ♪
- [passes gas ]
Dad, get up.
Oh, good. Here he
is. The gaffer.
Why does everyone always
take the piss out of me, hmm?
Why's it always
gotta be like that?
Probably best if you don't
press me for an answer
on that one, Son.
I'm only trying to
do my best, Dad.
I know you are,
Kai. I know you are.
Can't be easy being you, can it?
You just don't fit.
You never have.
It's not your fault.
If you don't mind
me saying, Son,
it's exhausting to be around.
So if you wouldn't mind.
[grunting]
Come on.
[sniffs]
STU: Na, na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
[grunting]
Here comes the hotstepper ♪
KAI: Murderer ♪
[passes gas]
I'm the lyrical gangster ♪
Murderer ♪
I knew it.
Kai?
Kai?
Hello in there, Stewart.
We're gonna talk about
shitting intense.
[Hugo singing "Ave Maria"]
Enough.
This isn't finished, yes?
Clearly, you've got some
sort of a stick up your ass.
Which we should remove.
For now, though,
it's still Easter.
[speaking Spanish]
[bell ringing]
[ringing continues]
KAI: I always knew
it was you, Stu.
Why do I allow myself
to take the blame?
Why do I allow people to
take the piss out of me?
[flushing]
It's about time I call time.
[panting]
Stu?
Where'd you get
the chicken, Stu?
Kai, mate, what's
gotten into you?
You were so convinced it was
me because I was so messed up.
Even though we
were all messed up.
And you know what
you guys are like.
I was going to say
anything about it, was it?
- And it might've been me.
- Yeah.
But it wasn't. I didn't
shit in the tent.
You did, Stu.
You did.
Jesus, mate. We were
only ever having a laugh.
Your janitor friend fell
out of the wall, by the way.
- So?
- So?
Who was he, mate?
[panting]
What the fuck?
[speaking in Spanish]
She wants to know why
I opened the door?
I can make a guess.
Shall I put it to her, Stu?
Someone left through the
front door. Who was that?
It was me, Ry.
I shit the tent in
the Isle of Wight.
It was me, all
right? You happy?
- You what?
- Yeah.
I was I was
completely spangled.
I was full of pills and
I'm not gonna admit that.
'Cause obviously why
would I admit that?
It was just a little white lie.
I didn't All right? So
[toilet gurgling]
[popping]
[popping continues]
[inaudible]
- [fire crackling]
- [popping continues]
Do you actually know what
you're doing here then?
Yes. No. I
- Which one?
- She showed me how to arm it.
I think maybe you should
be somewhere else.
Just in case.
We're getting out of here, yeah?
I'll be over
there, okay? Okay?
[kisses]
JOHN: Yeah, Stu, what
exactly is happening here?
[speaking Spanish]
He, uh He
Greg.
Greg made me do it.
You lying shithead!
I swear. I swear.
You fucking lying little cunt!
- [chattering in distance]
- [popping continues]
[speaking Spanish]
[eerie music]
Wait. Wait.
You lie! Fucking
get off of me!
Fucking get off me, Ryan!
I'll fucking kill
you! Get off, Kai!
[grunting]
- Fuck off, mate!
- The fuck!
Get the fuck off me!
Oh, fuck. I can't see.
- Just stop.
- I can't fucking see.
Stop. Stop.
Fucking hell, Dad.
Fucking hell.
- John?
- Dad.
- Dad.
- John.
Dad.
Oh, John.
Help yourself, why don't you?
[coughing]
Hugo, wasn't it?
Such a beautiful name.
Why don't you come
sit over here, Hugo.
Hmm?
Besides me.
We can get to know each other.
I'm so sorry about the whiskey.
Nonsense. It's okay.
I know the feeling all too well.
Come away from there.
Come closer to me.
Come on over here and
tell me about yourself.
I want to know where
you're from. What
What is that?
I'm recording our
conversations for the CIA.
I think maybe I
should go actually.
Wait here, Hugo. Wait,
please. I know people.
I can help you
escape here, okay?
I bet you would
like to escape, yes?
Yes?
You will be amazed at
the ways I can help you.
Please don't tell the
others what you've seen.
MAN: This is for Selma!
[bullets whizzing]
[fire crackling]
[speaking Spanish]
CLEMENTINE: Hugo.
Branco needs you in the garden.
Davide?
[explosion]
Davide!
Davide?
WOMAN: Ave Maria ♪
["Ave Maria" continues]
[fire crackling]
♪
KAI: Dad.
He's his pops.
Oh, thank God.
[gasps]
- Thank God.
- Jesus Christ.
- You're okay?
- [panting]
Dad, are you okay?
Who the fuck are you?
- John.
- Wait, wait.
It's all right.
Calm down, Dad.
It's all right.
It's me Kai.
Dad? Dad, it's me.
- Dad.
- John.
- Dad!
- John.
Dad?
♪
["Ave Maria" continues]
just breaking in on it.
Yeah, otherwise, why would
they arrest all of us?
I can make all of this go away.
All I need is a phone.
SELMA: You did so
well, Clementine.
I'm not a surgeon. I'm a vet.
[speaking Spanish]
[sighing]
Come in here, you losers. Sing.
Ahhhh ♪
[speaking in Spanish]
All your friends in
here, they all think
this is my fucking
fault and only my fault.
What are you [grunting]
You must never allow
yourself to be alone
with that man in a toilet.
Na, na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
Na, na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
[distant shouting]
Here comes the hotstepper ♪
[passes gas]
Murderer ♪
I'm the lyrical gangster ♪
[groaning]
Still love you like that ♪
Where's that chicken?
[chicken clucking]
I am not a bad person.
No, no. Of course not.
No. Not bad.
I I was defending my friends.
I was, I promise. You
got to believe me.
I don't know because I'm pretty
sure you killed your friends
then stuffed them down toilets.
Hmm? I'm pretty
sure that's you.
I I didn't mean to kill him.
- Hmm.
- I swear, promise.
Don't say a-anything.
- Hmm.
- You gotta believe me.
[sighs]
Hey, do we believe him? Hmm?
We think he's a
liar, don't we? Hmm?
We think he better do
what we ask him to
or else we talk.
Don't we? Hmm?
I
Because I need you
and you need me.
Don't you?
[sighs]
You're gonna play
them with chicken.
[shushing]
Yes?
[chicken clucks]
It was here.
Jesus. One job!
- [clucking]
- Do you know what?
You really know how
to shit the tent, Kai.
- I didn't shit the tent!
- Proper.
It was here. The chicken
was here the whole time.
I don't understand.
Right, shoes.
- What?
- I want your shoes.
Why should I be the
one walking round
getting God knows
what on my feet
when you let the
chicken I bought go?
I didn't let the chicken
go, Dad. I didn't.
What do you want me to say, Kai?
I'm sorry, but we're not
tucked up in bed reading
Horton Hears a fucking
Who! Anymore, are we, son?
What we are is hungry.
Try starving.
Okay. Shoes. Fine.
Take the shoes. They
don't fit you anyway.
- I'm a seven.
- [sighs]
And what are we gonna eat, Kai?
- All right.
- [chicken clucking]
That's my fucking chicken.
Oh. Was this already ours?
Stu, seriously, where did
you find that chicken?
I I I can't guarantee
I can sell this idea.
It's no problem.
You give them the chicken,
then you are a hero.
And then you have to say this.
So, look, I've got an idea.
Apparently,
the cocaine factory are
always looking for new people.
Who? The what?
They make coke
here. Like openly.
We could get ourselves
down there tomorrow,
make a bit of coin.
That one chicken
won't go far, right?
We need to make
money to buy food.
Hate to run up Stu's
arse, but[sighs]
Probably wouldn't hurt
with that mad Selma bint
if we could show her
we're at least pulling in
some money for ourselves, right?
Easter Saturday tomorrow,
most people here will be
at home, observing it.
We turn up ready to work,
might put us over the top.
Now, what boss doesn't
like a hard worker?
Just gonna go for a slash.
[eerie music]
What are you doing?
It is what it is, yeah.
Stupid really. I'm just, um
I'm still thinking of Ant.
Yeah, I can see that.
I should've been
there for him, John.
I should've seen
him off, you know?
[sniffling]
Right, look alive. Outside.
We're having a service for Ant.
Like, now, though?
Get up. We all
need some closure.
Who's going to say something?
[sighs]
I fucking love you, Ant.
It was always the three of us.
And then the four.
Then the four of us.
Anthony, I watched you grow up.
You were a little shit,
but little boys are
supposed to be little shits.
You were kind, though, too,
and you stayed kind.
Most men don't.
He was funny.
He was fucking funny.
He deserved better than this.
[sighs]
To me, Ant
Like fuck you're
saying anything.
Ry.
Probably still got parts of
him under your fingernails,
you fucking psycho.
Ry.
You know, he was pretty
fucking at home picking parts
of him up off the floor, Kai.
So, I'm thinking maybe
Greg had helped him.
Maybe that was you,
right? So shut up.
Who, Kai?
Kai had nothing to do
with any drug trafficking.
[sniffles] Thanks, Dad.
Whoever dreams these sort of
schemes up has to be smart.
So look at it for what it is.
It's hardly gonna be Kai, is it?
Hey.
[grunts]
- [metal dings]
- Ow! Balls!
[sniffles]
[gentle music]
[sighs]
[speaking in Spanish]
- Sí?
- Sí.
- Como?
- Sí!
[clattering]
[wind gusting]
[banging]
[speaking Spanish]
Qué?
Ave Maria ♪
- Wonderful.
- I'm glad you like it.
It's, uh It's outside
of, like, my natural range.
Well, I could not tell.
- Do you know what this is?
- No.
It's a land mine. Each Easter,
families gather for
dinner to be together,
to give thanks.
It is a special time.
And this year our
boss, Senor Gomez,
is coming for dinner and
the burning of Judas.
That is when you will place this
underneath the seat cushion
of my brother's chair.
He will seat there for 10, maybe
20 minutes before going to bed.
He always does. Then
when he stands up,
boom.
Um
Uh, why would you?
Who would go through the
trouble of using a land mine
when knives and bullet exist?
It will look as though Branco
was killed by opportunists.
Extreme, unsophisticated
opportunists.
He's my brother.
It should not look as
though I killed him.
Jesus Christ.
[sighs]
[taps table] Um
Um
I I I'm in finance
and I'm risk confident,
but when I'm taking a risk,
there has to be a reward.
[gun clicks]
Carefully tell me what you want.
I need to escape.
I don't belong here.
My bet is that you
can arrange that.
That you can get me out.
Please.
Yes, it is possible.
Just you, not your
little friends.
- [clears throat]
- So, now,
once more from the top.
Uh
Ah ♪
♪
Come on. Senior Gomez
will be here soon.
Keep out of his way.
[speaking in Spanish]
Ciao, bella.
Davide.
Should we kiss or should
we save that for Christmas?
Ooh, let's wait, sweetheart.
We shouldn't indulge
ourselves too much at Easter.
We're not heretics.
[chuckling] Baby, could you
check on the fish for me?
Ti amo, amore.
Got him well
trained, haven't you?
Haven't I just.
You'll have to tell
me your secret.
Well, I suppose I
just don't treat him
like he's a fucking
idiot, Selma.
- And are those for us?
- Yes.
How nice.
They'll look lovely in the
spare bedroom's toilet.
This is Hugo.
Hugo will be singing
for us later.
Branco's been told.
[chuckles] Ooh.
Hello.
Staff over there.
[eerie music]
[speaking Spanish]
Perfecto.
Oh, shit!
Oi, Dad! Can you plop
your teeth back in
and stop dropping sacks
like a sad old twat?
I'll show you "sad old twat."
Wait.
[speaking Spanish]
No, no, no, no.
Dad, what is this?
Come on, mate.
- Get up.
- Eh!
Eh!
Can you stop
showing off, please?
Go on. Get up.
Hey, what the fuck happened?
What happened? Are we
fucking out of here?
Did you get the phone to Greg?
I found Greg, okay?
He took the phone.
What?
That's it. He vanished.
[sighs]
I'm sorry, Ry. I
I I messed up.
But I've been dreading
tell you this.
Vamos! Trabajar.
- Can you guys get back to work?
- Fuck off, Kai.
Tell me more about it later.
[stomach gurgling]
[dramatic music]
Did you okay this?
What? Where's the fire?
Yes, she mentioned a chorister.
Give the thing a touch
of class for Gomez.
[speaking Spanish]
I don't like surprises, okay?
Okay, baby?
Especially if they're from her.
Always trying to bloody
control everything.
He's arrived Branco. Come on.
The dinner is for
Gomez, not Selma.
- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?
And what the fuck
have you come as?
You look like something
they might pull out the
back of a sick horse.
Do you know anything
about this fucking VIP?
[machines rattling]
You need to speed up, mate.
Do you wanna do it, do you?
I'm just telling
you what Luba said.
You need to be bricking it
as fast as they're mixing
Why don't you eat my dick, Kai?
Do you want me to tell
her you said that?
Oh, just 'cause you
speak Spanish, right?
Doesn't change anything.
Doesn't make you Antonio
fucking Banderas, does it?
Right? You're still
the same bitch
who shits in tents,
loses chickens
I didn't lose the chicken.
[sirens blaring]
Jesus.
Oh, shit. Sorry, sorry.
I think that was me.
I opened up a window
in the toilet.
[speaking Spanish]
She says they're
not alarmed, mate.
[blaring continues]
Ah!
Hmm?
[blaring continues]
[beeping]
[alarm stops]
- [panting]
- [stomach gurgling]
Thank you again, all,
for speaking in English.
Davide's Spanish is coming on,
but I'm afraid he's
not quite a pro yet.
- And it's his home, too.
- [laughter]
He should know what the hell
is being said at the table,
shouldn't he?
Food should arrive
shortly, Senor Gomez.
Been seeing to it myself.
It should be a wonderful
Not much appetite left.
I'll eat what I eat.
Salut.
Cheers.
Hmm.Grazie.
HUGO: I don't get it.
If he's such a VIP,
then why have they got
a vet operating on him?
CLEMENTINE: They're not telling
him I'm a vet, are they?
It was supposed to be
that doctor-y weirdo
doing the transplant, but
he's still seeing double
since Ant brained him.
So I'm plan B. [scoffs]
They're trying to pass me off
as some fucking
Harley Street whiz.
What do you think
they'll do to me, Hugo,
if someone they're scared
of dies on my watch?
Some more champagne,
Senor Gomez?
I currently have a cirrhotic
liver, you fucking idiot.
[sighs]
[snickering]
[coughing]
Lost your sense
of humour, Selma?
Hmm?
Somewhere else you'd rather be?
SELMA: No. Thinking about work.
Never not working, Branco.
I'm sure you almost
remember how it is.
Hmm. You know, I think
it is very, um
fashionable these days,
Senor Gomez, to be a bitch.
It is true.
But you know what?
I like it. I like bitches.
Hear him? He likes it.
He likes it,cabrones.
Hmm.
Being in here, Clem, all this
I think I need to pull a lot
of my life choices into review.
Like the credit cards for kids?
Bro! It will boost their credit.
If anything, I'm helping them.
Right, what are you saying?
I'm saying
It's great.
This is an actual land mine.
I'm supposed to slip this
under Branco's cushion.
I cut a deal with Selma.
I do this, she says
she can get me out.
Just me. I asked about the
rest of you, but it's just me.
But I think you should
tell her I told you.
Use it as leverage to
get yourself out with me.
Otherwise, you'll threaten
to tell her brother.
I
Vamos.
[metal door opens]
What the
Kai, Kai, shush, mate, shush.
- What the hell?
- No, no, no, no.
Wait, it's not fair, is it,
you're not giving me
a chance to explain?
Well, go on then.
There's this guy.
He's a janitor.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, why is that a secret?
He's not meant to be
working today, is he?
If she finds out he's here,
he's gonna get it in the neck.
He was meant to
descale the pipes
before they broke up for Easter.
Hmm.
Well, we should be
helping each other out.
The little guys.
Right, yeah. All right.
[exhales]
Thank you, mate. You did
the right thing there.
Yeah. Yeah, time.
That's what I was saying.
We have We need to work.
Come on. Cack to work.
We're not finished here, Stu.
This is Clementine.
She's our gifted surgeon.
We're very lucky to
have her here with us.
You've done this
operation before?
Yes.
Clementine.
Many times?
Many times.
[sighs]
It has been bad for me,
living in this condition.
A bad liver does not suit a man
who's forced to move
as much as I am.
From a devil to an angel.
One thing growing older
teaches you, gratitude.
So I humbly thank you both.
- Mmm.
- [speaking in Spanish]
Selma, may I have a word?
Uh, no. I don't think so, Clem.
Run along, please.
No, I don't think
this should wait.
If she wants to talk to
you, you talk to her, Selma.
Come on. Not everything
must be so difficult.
What is it, Clem?
I really thought you
were smarter than this.
I'm prepared to go in
there and tell him. I am.
I could scream it, right
here. I could just screa
Shut up for a second.
Generally speaking, I
like meeting a woman
who's unafraid to
push for herself.
But the day you've
chosen to push me
is far from fucking
general, understand?
Fine. It'll be the two of you.
- Tonight?
- Not tonight.
You still need to
operate on Gomez.
Once it's done.
I'm going back
wherever Hugo is.
You need him alive, so
safest place for me.
♪
[panting]
♪
[panting]
[man speaking
Spanish, indistinct]
[panting]
[speaking Spanish]
[chain rattling]
[growling]
[chain rattling]
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
[singing in Spanish]
[growling]
[banging]
[chain rattling]
[growling]
- Andale.
- [tape scraping]
[stomach gurgling]
[panting]
Oi.
Don't you want to be getting
out of here before Luba sees?
Oi. Mate.
Mate. Mate.
- [panting]
- Do you actually work here?
Will you believe anything
that you are told?
Are you idiot?
[panting]
[stomach gurgling]
[grunting]
Brrr.
[groaning]
[straining]
Na, na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
Na, na-na-na-na ♪
[passes gas]
- [squirting]
- [coughing]
[panting]
Na, na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
Na, na-na-na ♪
- [grunting]
- [passes gas]
Very generous, Branco.
Good of you to go
through the trouble.
Branco was telling me when
you girls were outside
how he misses the way things
used to run around here.
Was he now? And which
parts does he miss?
Well, I just think the way
things used to be done
around here had a bit more
Balls.
You really are such
a dull bastard.
Whoa, eh, come on! Eh!
[speaking Spanish]
Natural order is it
when a woman sits
at the top of a jungle?
I mean, what's next?
Cats fucking dogs?
Or sandwiches eating people?
All right, enough.
[Selma laughing]
You know, he's
campaigned for months
to host it here for
Easter, Senor Gomez,
rather than at mine.
He thought he was going
to do such a good job
at impressing you with a
lot of crabs. [chuckles]
That you'd suddenly
think he's fit
to be put back in
charge of the place.
Laughable.
[speaking Spanish]
I only came here to meet
the Harley Street doctor
and look her in the eye.
I've done that. I'm leaving.
[sighs]
♪
[speaking Spanish]
Sing.
I said fucking sing!
[clears throat]
Ave Maria ♪
Na, na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
- Na-na-na-na ♪
- [passes gas ]
Dad, get up.
Oh, good. Here he
is. The gaffer.
Why does everyone always
take the piss out of me, hmm?
Why's it always
gotta be like that?
Probably best if you don't
press me for an answer
on that one, Son.
I'm only trying to
do my best, Dad.
I know you are,
Kai. I know you are.
Can't be easy being you, can it?
You just don't fit.
You never have.
It's not your fault.
If you don't mind
me saying, Son,
it's exhausting to be around.
So if you wouldn't mind.
[grunting]
Come on.
[sniffs]
STU: Na, na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na-na ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
[grunting]
Here comes the hotstepper ♪
KAI: Murderer ♪
[passes gas]
I'm the lyrical gangster ♪
Murderer ♪
I knew it.
Kai?
Kai?
Hello in there, Stewart.
We're gonna talk about
shitting intense.
[Hugo singing "Ave Maria"]
Enough.
This isn't finished, yes?
Clearly, you've got some
sort of a stick up your ass.
Which we should remove.
For now, though,
it's still Easter.
[speaking Spanish]
[bell ringing]
[ringing continues]
KAI: I always knew
it was you, Stu.
Why do I allow myself
to take the blame?
Why do I allow people to
take the piss out of me?
[flushing]
It's about time I call time.
[panting]
Stu?
Where'd you get
the chicken, Stu?
Kai, mate, what's
gotten into you?
You were so convinced it was
me because I was so messed up.
Even though we
were all messed up.
And you know what
you guys are like.
I was going to say
anything about it, was it?
- And it might've been me.
- Yeah.
But it wasn't. I didn't
shit in the tent.
You did, Stu.
You did.
Jesus, mate. We were
only ever having a laugh.
Your janitor friend fell
out of the wall, by the way.
- So?
- So?
Who was he, mate?
[panting]
What the fuck?
[speaking in Spanish]
She wants to know why
I opened the door?
I can make a guess.
Shall I put it to her, Stu?
Someone left through the
front door. Who was that?
It was me, Ry.
I shit the tent in
the Isle of Wight.
It was me, all
right? You happy?
- You what?
- Yeah.
I was I was
completely spangled.
I was full of pills and
I'm not gonna admit that.
'Cause obviously why
would I admit that?
It was just a little white lie.
I didn't All right? So
[toilet gurgling]
[popping]
[popping continues]
[inaudible]
- [fire crackling]
- [popping continues]
Do you actually know what
you're doing here then?
Yes. No. I
- Which one?
- She showed me how to arm it.
I think maybe you should
be somewhere else.
Just in case.
We're getting out of here, yeah?
I'll be over
there, okay? Okay?
[kisses]
JOHN: Yeah, Stu, what
exactly is happening here?
[speaking Spanish]
He, uh He
Greg.
Greg made me do it.
You lying shithead!
I swear. I swear.
You fucking lying little cunt!
- [chattering in distance]
- [popping continues]
[speaking Spanish]
[eerie music]
Wait. Wait.
You lie! Fucking
get off of me!
Fucking get off me, Ryan!
I'll fucking kill
you! Get off, Kai!
[grunting]
- Fuck off, mate!
- The fuck!
Get the fuck off me!
Oh, fuck. I can't see.
- Just stop.
- I can't fucking see.
Stop. Stop.
Fucking hell, Dad.
Fucking hell.
- John?
- Dad.
- Dad.
- John.
Dad.
Oh, John.
Help yourself, why don't you?
[coughing]
Hugo, wasn't it?
Such a beautiful name.
Why don't you come
sit over here, Hugo.
Hmm?
Besides me.
We can get to know each other.
I'm so sorry about the whiskey.
Nonsense. It's okay.
I know the feeling all too well.
Come away from there.
Come closer to me.
Come on over here and
tell me about yourself.
I want to know where
you're from. What
What is that?
I'm recording our
conversations for the CIA.
I think maybe I
should go actually.
Wait here, Hugo. Wait,
please. I know people.
I can help you
escape here, okay?
I bet you would
like to escape, yes?
Yes?
You will be amazed at
the ways I can help you.
Please don't tell the
others what you've seen.
MAN: This is for Selma!
[bullets whizzing]
[fire crackling]
[speaking Spanish]
CLEMENTINE: Hugo.
Branco needs you in the garden.
Davide?
[explosion]
Davide!
Davide?
WOMAN: Ave Maria ♪
["Ave Maria" continues]
[fire crackling]
♪
KAI: Dad.
He's his pops.
Oh, thank God.
[gasps]
- Thank God.
- Jesus Christ.
- You're okay?
- [panting]
Dad, are you okay?
Who the fuck are you?
- John.
- Wait, wait.
It's all right.
Calm down, Dad.
It's all right.
It's me Kai.
Dad? Dad, it's me.
- Dad.
- John.
- Dad!
- John.
Dad?
♪
["Ave Maria" continues]