Starlings (2012) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
OK, babe.
OK, you're doing really well.
That was a big one, Bell.
Yup.
Do you need me to massage your perineum? I think it's a bit late for that, Rueben.
Just breathe, Bell.
The book saidThe book The book said "sharp exhalations", like blowing out a birthday candle.
Just get me some drugs! You did specify in your birth-plan you didn't want any.
How about a nibble on a bit of ginger? Why don't you put some music on? Yeah, good idea.
Are we early labour or heavy labour? What do you think?! Need more warm Any, eh Ooh.
Let's have a brew, shall we? Good idea.
Can I have a hot Vimto? Dad? I might have strong coffee.
I'm losing the fight here.
I'll put the kettle on.
Oh.
You don't have to be in here you know.
But I'm your doula, aren't I? Your birthing partner.
The book says "Be close to the mother, to provide emotional support during this beautiful and miraculous-" I'm getting out, I'm getting out.
I'm never having kids.
Charlie, what's going on in there is just Mother Nature doing her job.
It's all perfectly normal.
Doesn't sound normal.
Sounds like a fight between a pig and a gibbon.
You're not helping, Gravy.
I'm off go to my room.
See how my guys are doing.
Yeah, I might start building the cot.
Why don't you get some sleep? It's hardly worth it now.
Might as well stay up.
Yeah, pull an all-nighter.
Right.
But just try to keep quiet.
OK? We have to respect your sister's wishes, that we create a peaceful environment in which Mother Nature.
Just Mother Nature.
Rueben, why don't you take five? Have a bit of a breather? I'm fine, I'm fine.
You've been here for 22 hours.
Go on, get yourself a breath of fresh air.
Darling, you're doing brilliantly.
Isn't she? You're doing amazingly.
Just breathe, Bell.
Just breathe.
What's happening in there? I've got no idea.
It's pandemonium.
She's screaming and the panpipes are doing my head in.
I've got no idea if I'm helping or- Calm down.
What you need is a nice walk around the garden.
Get yourself together.
Yeah Yeah.
And while you're there Why don't you just fill this kettle from the outside tap I am parched.
Good morning ladies, your usual table by the window? And how are things over at the castle today? Oh really? Well, do send my regards to the king.
Bon appetite.
Charlie? How you getting on with that cot? Oh, you've finished! The instructions were in Norwegian I went in blind.
That's my girl.
Grab that end for me.
Right-o.
Yeah, lift her up.
I bet you'll be glad to be out this little room, eh? Sharing with your sister.
Yeah, it'll be good.
And your new room's great, isn't it? All that lovely space, and the big window And my Granddad.
And your granddad.
You know, in some cultures, the elders of the tribe are placed with their grandchildren, to pass on their knowledge of life and the mysteries of the universe.
That way, the child learns how to fish with a stick or stun a gazelle with a rock.
I know what you're trying to say, Dad.
It won't be for long, love, I promise.
He's a boy.
Oh, my God.
It's a boy.
Would Daddy like to cut the cord? Er, yes, please I'll get some scissors.
It's fine.
We have scissors.
I declare thee born.
Welcome to the world, son.
Is the blood bit over? I got you some chocolates.
I heard your sugar levels drops through the floor when you Oh, he's good isn't he? Oh, wow.
You want to hold your nephew? What's that white stuff on his arm? That's called vernix.
Stops him drying out while he's in utero.
I'm good, thanks.
Can I have a little hold? 'Course you can, Dad.
Hello, mate.
How you doing? I'm your granddad.
You want to come and say hello to your family? This is Charlie.
She's your auntie.
She's going to be a famous goalie.
That's from football, which you'll learn about later.
And this is Gravy.
He's your uncle.
Which means he'll finally have to accept some responsibility in his charmed little life.
Isn't he? Yes, he is.
And this old fella here, this is your great-granddad, Billy.
He's just moved in with us.
Long story, involving Lonnie Donegan records and a Breach of the Peace Order.
And this beautiful lady is your nanna, Jan.
She's giving me the face that says "Stop doing that silly voice and hand me the baby over.
" So that's what I'm going to do.
I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
That's alright.
I felt a bit like a spare part but No Thank you, Rueben.
Oh, right.
Maybe you should get some sleep.
I'm fine.
I feel like I've had this amazing burst of energy Yeah, I know but we did talk about this.
Yeah.
We did, didn't we? I'll call you later.
I'm off home everybody.
Bit knackered.
Bye, little mate.
Take care, lad.
What? We're not together any more.
'I'll pop round with the liver on Tuesday.
Yeah? Yeah.
' 'Yeah, well that's a great place.
Yeah.
' Yeah.
Yeah.
Pamplemousse.
Don't know why.
Got a certain je ne ce quoi, I thought.
Better with the accent, of course.
I've sent off for one.
Good morning.
Hi.
I bought you a nice cup of Oh I'll just put this down here.
Get out of your way.
Stay and chat for a bit, Dad.
Yeah? Um OK.
I'll just pop myself down here.
Ohhh.
Couple of little hairs I never noticed before, Dad.
Have I? I meant the baby.
Oh, good.
I'll have a look in a minute.
It's OK, you know.
You can be in here while I'm breast feeding.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just Your Dad's a little old-fashioned when it comes to You know, you need your privacy.
Did you get any sleep? Not really.
It's only like that at first.
Then you don't really notice it.
It was pretty loud.
It's their way of communicating.
That's his way of telling us he's hot or cold or hungry or windy.
Not the baby.
You were talking in your sleep.
I've always done that.
Your nanna would roll me onto my left side.
My brain goes into overdrive on me right.
I don't know why.
Is there any tea? There we go.
The milk's back in the pantry.
So You thought of any names yet? Not really.
Just waiting for his little personality to come through.
I've got a few suggestions up my sleeve.
Go on then.
Alan Roy Peter Archie Gemill I mean Archie.
Are these all Derby County players, Dad? No Not all of them.
He was an assistant manager.
Thanks, Dad.
It's a pleasure.
So how you feeling? Like I'm hallucinating.
Yesterday, I had a lump in my tummy.
Today I've got a son.
It's crazy, isn't it? You must be exhausted.
Why don't I take him for a while? Thanks, Dad.
He looks a bit like Kevin Hector.
Dad.
Morning, guys.
How is everything? Why you whispering? I don't want to inflame the situation with Bell.
This is getting ridiculous now.
What is? You two.
Just take her out for a slap-up meal.
Tell her you're sorry and you love her.
I've tried.
She doesn't believe a word I say anymore.
Well, I can always tell when a man is lying.
When I was in Malaya one of our Jeeps got nicked.
Me and my mate Alf caught this bloke.
I'll tell you what we did to him.
We No, I won't tell that story.
Rueben, I know Bell, and if she didn't want you back, you wouldn't even be allowed in this house.
I'll get it! Fergie? Hello, Auntie Jan.
Oh, I thought you were in Thailand.
Yeah, I was.
Flew back yesterday.
Spent the night in Wolverhampton station sat outside The Lemon Tree.
Julie's ended it.
Oh, no.
Why? Rabies.
Rabies? Yeah.
Night before last, we were leaving a bar when one those street dogs jumps out.
You know, the dirty ones with the saggy udders? Kind of.
Anyway, so I'm doing that thing where you throw an invisible ball.
Then out of nowhere, boom it's gone for Julie.
It was her dress or her hair.
Something set it off.
She's screaming.
I'm trying to get this dog off, but it's clamped its jaws on her wrist.
I've bounced a plastic chair off its back, and it ran off.
Next thing, it's all my fault I "tormented" it.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
She's got to have a course of rabies jabs "just in case" and she's livid.
I didn't know where else to go.
You're staying here! Really? Thanks, Auntie Jan.
I won't be here long, I promise.
I'm sure we can find a space somewhere.
You haven't got rid? I couldn't do that.
Bessie's part of the family.
I you know.
But she was your mum's.
Yeah.
And Nanna Duckers would turn in her grave if I didn't let you use her.
Thanks, Auntie Jan.
Now dump your stuff and come in.
Bell's just had her baby.
Hi, I was just popping to Halfords.
Do you need anything for him? From Halfords? Yeah.
Could you get him a set of 14" alloys, and a neon light for under his pram so it looks like it's floating.
It's just they do loads of stuff for our well for babies.
Look, they've got sun-shades with cartoon characters on them.
And there's picnic blankets with- He's not having any of that stuff.
I want all his toys and things to be natural.
Hand-made.
Wooden.
No paints, no dyes.
Yeah.
No, of course.
That's a good idea.
Better.
I just wanted you to know that, erm You know, I'm here if you need anything.
From Halfords.
In general.
You know.
Thanks.
Right, well, I'd better get off.
OK.
See you tonight? Yeah.
See you later, son.
Be good for your Mummy.
You're hiding from me, aren't you? No.
I didn't know you were in here.
Who were you talking to then? Eh? Er, nobody.
Just So, what you doing then? Just, er seeing if anyone was hiding in here But you're not And there's nobody else in here.
So Cool beans.
Coooool beans.
"Place silicon petal directly over areola and pump firmly until milk begins to 'let down'.
If seepage occurs-" Seepage? Have they actually written the word "seepage"? There's a photo.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
"If nipples become cracked or inflamed-" Right, put it away Mum.
I won't need it anyway.
Yes, but this is for those nights you're too tired to get up, and then someone else can feed him.
Me or your dad, or Rueben.
We're not having that conversation again.
We're not together anymore.
Have you lost something? Eh? Me? No, no, no.
Just uh, came in to say hello to my new nephew.
Hello you.
He's lovely isn't he? Look at his little feet.
They're almost human.
What have you lost? Lost? I haven't lost anything.
But someone has wandered off.
Who has "wandered off"? Don't freak out, with the baby and everything.
It's one of my guys.
He's always doing this.
He likes to go walkabout sometimes.
It's no biggie, I'll find him.
How many legs? Legs? Four.
A lizard? And four arms.
You've lost a spider? Yes, I've lost a spider, but he's not dangerous.
He looks dangerous but he's not.
He only eats other spiders.
And really small birds.
Nothing that size.
I'll try the kitchen.
Hello? I'm phoning about a letter I received from you this morning.
My name's Starling.
'.
.
No, no, next week's not going to be any good.
' When I say "urgent", I mean urgent.
Who you talking to love? Eh? Who are you talking to? Er, bloomin' suppliers.
On the toilet? Yeah.
I've been on hold for You'd think 75mm-trunking, they'd have it in stock.
Belgium! Unbelievable isn't it? Yeah Are you alright? Yeah, I'm fine, never better.
Can I get on with this now? Right.
Hello? Sorry about that.
Prowler! I've caught a prowler! Oh! What are you talking about? Somebody help! I've got a burglar.
Get off me.
What's wrong with you? Don't move, or so help me I will take you down.
Why are you looking in that window? I thought they might be sleeping.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Why would they be sleeping? 'Cause Bell had a baby in the night.
How do you know that? Because he's family.
Eh? Fergie, meet Loz.
My other son.
Oh, yeah.
Alright? Alright.
It's a boy by the way.
Terrific.
Brilliant.
There you go, Granddad.
What's this one, Gravy? That is a Schussboomer's Delight.
Ooh, it sounds interesting.
Is that brandy I can smell? Yep.
And champagne.
It'll knock your head off.
Oh, good.
Good, good.
Ah, that's lovely.
A voucher for a show in the West End.
Thanks, Gravy.
You can take him to The Gruffalo or Poppins, or that one with the big horse.
Jan, you couldn't pass us one of them bitters behind you, could you? Last time I had brandy I woke up on a ferry.
Right, what's this one, Charlie? How did you know he was going to be a boy? She's just clever.
Not really.
It's fifty-fifty, isn't it? Actually, Gravy, I had this dream a few nights ago.
Me and Bell were in this beautiful forest, walking through the trees.
On one side are these wild blueberry bushes, and on the other side are pink roses.
Bell has to choose which way we go and when I looked, she'd skipped off into the blueberries.
That is pretty good.
No.
It was just two-for-one at the book shop.
Alright, alright.
Alright, Loz, your turn.
Come on.
OK, right.
Um, well, um I, er I did this for you, Bell.
Didn't have time to finish it off 'cause he arrived early but you get the general idea.
That is amazing, Loz.
That's all actual hair.
There.
Really? Yeah, I got some of your own baby hair that your mum had been hanging onto and I used that.
Sort of symbolic of the cyclical nature of life and birth.
Right.
So this is all my hair? Yeah.
No Yeah The blonde stuff's yours and the black bits are off a saddleback pig.
Wow.
I'll finish it off next week.
You probably don't need to.
Oh, OK.
Loz, you're nearest.
Open that side pocket there of my bag.
Yep.
Here? Not that side, the other side! Other side! A little bit last minute.
It's just something for you and the little 'un.
Oh.
What is it, a football? Walkie-talkies! They're proper ones.
From a mate in the Philippines, who was in a Not uprising.
What is it? What, coup? Coup.
Yeah, in a coup.
I thought you could use them as make-shift baby monitors.
They've got a four-mile range, so Four miles? We could go down the pub and leave the baby here.
Talking of which, isn't it about time we got going? I'll drive.
It's only down the road.
I know.
We've gotta wet the baby's head.
I don't mind driving.
Are you not gonna have a drink? Well, I'll just have one.
I've got stuff to do tomorrow.
What have you got to do tomorrow? I've got that Mansfield job.
The one you finished? Yeah, but I've left I've got to pick- sort some loose ends out.
We'll be here all night at this rate.
See you later.
You're going as well? Er no.
No, no.
I can stay here if you want.
No, go and have fun.
Just don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Mind you, it's a bit late for that, isn't it? Right So I should go then? OK.
If that's what you want.
Do what you like.
I'm not your boss.
- Bye, Sis.
- Keys.
Erm, I'll see you later.
Don't I get a kiss? Yeah.
Of course.
Eight, nil.
This isn't fair.
I've got lumbago.
No, you haven't.
You're just rubbish.
Right, the fight back begins.
Nine, nil.
You're Terry's step-brother? Half-brother.
How did that happen, then? Erm, when Terry's Mum passed away, Billy - Granddad, there I think he went a little bit doolally.
Had a fling.
And I'm the result.
You grew up down south, did ya? Yeah.
Billy didn't really know anything about me, and, erm My real mother had me adopted.
Blimey.
About a year ago I found out who my Dad was and came here to find him.
It was the best thing I ever did.
Did you ever find your Mum? No.
Ever wanted to? No.
Then I'll never ask you that question again.
Cheers.
Ten, nil.
Well, that was exciting.
Alright, Terry? Hey, Dad.
You're up next.
Oh, look at your eyes.
They're exactly the same.
D'you reckon? Mmm.
He's the spitting image of you.
There's Charlie holding a ball.
Charlie, after Gravy's thrown her ball into the sea.
There's you two.
Turn the page.
Why don't you trying talking to him? There's nothing to talk about.
He slept with my friend.
You don't know the whole story if you don't talk to Rueben.
Turn the page, Mum.
My round.
John Fashanu.
What? C.
John Fashanu.
Oh.
Ta.
Rueben, what happened with you and Bell? I did something very stupid, but it's not what Bell thinks.
I think you two need to sort it out.
You've had a baby tell her the truth.
That's the trouble, Charlie.
The truth doesn't sound very good either.
Ridiculous drink? Urgh.
This is not going to end well.
He's fast asleep.
Thanks, Mum.
Where's this one taken? Oh, that's Madrid airport.
They gave your dad the wrong visa.
Going through customs, suddenly the Guardia Civil are all over us.
He gets carted off at gunpoint.
No.
Yeah.
They wouldn't let me back through again.
I didn't have any money, I couldn't understand a word anyone said.
I watched your dad being frog-marched across the concourse by men with machine guns.
He was calling out not to worry, but I could see he was frightened.
They kept him for 12 hours.
I didn't even know where we were staying.
I know it sounds daft now, but At the time, it felt like I'd never see him again.
I just fell in a heap on the floor in the arrivals lounge.
A passer-by saw me and gave me a hundred pesetas, so I could phone the British Embassy.
It was baking hot inside that airport, Bell.
But d'you know what? I've never felt colder.
I said I was going to Wikipedia it and he slammed the phone down.
Did he? 'Cause Wikipedia is like Kryptonite to know-it-alls.
Now Is that yours, or is that mine? Take it.
I know your little secret, Dad.
What? I'm not stupid.
I know why you're not drinking.
You've just become a granddad! You've got to set an example.
Now that you're, you know, Granddaddy Longlegs you you've gotta be more responsible.
You've gotta assume the mantle of maturity.
'Cause there's nothing is there? nothing more cringe-worthy than a grown man drunk off his head, trying to keep up with the boys.
But don't you worry.
I know that sometimes I'm a huge, crashing disappointment to you, because I didn't want to do the electric things, and follow you into the family business.
But that doesn't matter.
Because tonight, Matthew I'm going to be your wing-man.
Right.
Any drink they get you, I'll have it.
I'll make a start by drinking all these for you.
But first I might just go and have a little bit of sick.
Morning, Dad.
Hello, son.
How's your head? No idea.
Think I left it at Peek-A-Boos.
- Oh, you went clubbing? - With Fergie.
Serves you right.
You should have come home.
Thanks for the sympathy.
I knew there was a reason I hunted you out.
Did you open my blinds? Just to let in a bit of light.
My geckos will be up all day.
You've messed with their melatonin levels.
You alright for locusts? I'm seeing that bloke tomorrow.
He's got a load from doing a video for a Christian rock band.
Put me down for a bag.
The wind machine's killed a few.
You might have to pick through 'em.
Lizards won't care.
Yeah.
Morning.
Hiya.
You look well knackered.
Yeah.
He was burbling away all night, so I didn't get much sleep.
I know how you feel.
I'm sharing with Granddad.
Thanks for moving out, sis.
It won't be forever, I promise.
D'you want a hand? Yeah.
Grab those wipes, would you? Ready? Wow.
That's a lot of- Yep, that's a lot of poo.
Yeah.
"You've reached Starling & Sons, Electricians.
" "Your call is important to us, so please, leave a message.
" Terry, it's me.
Just wondering where you are.
So when you get this message just give me a quick ring back, to let me know you're OK? Umm Love you.
Bye.
Mum? Is Dad ill again? No.
Don't be silly.
No.
Come on, let's get you a bit of breakfast.
Morning, Fergie.
You alright? Yeah, yeah.
I am, yeah.
Have a look at this.
What am I looking at? Right, see that tree? To the right.
Yeah.
Now look at the top of it.
Oh, yeah.
A crow.
No, no.
Not that.
To the west, left of that.
Got it? What is that? Shoes.
Pair of shoes hanging from a tree.
You know what that means? Someone's lost their shoes? Means a gang member's dead.
Saw it when I was in Mexico.
When a gang member dies so he has something to wear in heaven they throw his shoes up into a tree.
I think they're walking boots.
Eh? They look like a pair of Merrell's.
It don't matter what they are.
When one of your crew, or your posse Or another rambler.
.
.
Is killed.
As an act of solidarity, the other members of his fraternity throw his Merrell's.
Don't get bogged down with brand names! They throw his footwear - non-brand specific - into a tree, to protect his feet on his journey to the next realm.
I don't know why I bother.
OK.
Morning.
Has he been in there all night? Dunno.
Are they Merrell's? Can I come in? Hi.
Hi This is for him.
What is it, a new oil filter? Open it.
I haven't got any hands free.
I made it myself.
No paints, no dyes.
It's really nice.
Thanks.
It'll match his sheep pyjamas.
It's a duck.
Is it? Where's its beak? I was still a little bit drunk when I did the head.
Well, I need to go and have a shower.
You'd better look after Zac for a little bit.
Zac? Yeah.
That alright? Yeah.
Yeah, it's amazing.
Hello, Zac.
There's a Grebe there, look.
With her chicks.
I've come for my cuppa.
You'll read anything, you.
You didn't say? I didn't want to worry you.
You've made a really good job of that! I thought it was your heart again.
How come? Well, because you haven't been yourself for days.
Secret phone calls.
You haven't been eating properly.
Barely had a drink.
What was I supposed to think? Don't worry about my ticker.
I'm strong as an ox.
I just wanted to You know, keep a clear head, while I sort this out.
What's happened? The Quigley Hall job's been pushed back.
Oh.
They've declared the building unsafe.
Until the structural engineer gives the go-ahead, we can't proceed.
Oh, Terry, I'm sorry that was your dream job.
So it's back to the usual.
Blown fuses and ring-mains.
In the meantime, this silly sod spent two grand on materials.
I don't think this lot will accept half a ton of heavy-duty cabling as part-payment.
Well, you can rip that up.
Hmm? I rang them earlier and paid it.
What with? I used some of the money Mum left.
Oh no, no.
Love you can't do that.
I won't let you.
Too late.
But you were saving that for a rainy day.
What I am about to say is important.
You're probably gonna see things a girl of your age shouldn't see.
I can imagine how this looks.
No no.
Don't don't come here.
Meet us in town with the cash.
'Do you think I'm doing the right thing taking Charlie on?' Yeah, of course.
Why d'ya ask that? 'Well, things are hardly rosy at the moment.
' I'll never make a living at this.
No poise, no grace.
I'm not getting any emotion! I'm feeling quite angry.
I must go and kill a man who has betrayed my country.
Really? I did not have sex with Bonno.
OK, you're doing really well.
That was a big one, Bell.
Yup.
Do you need me to massage your perineum? I think it's a bit late for that, Rueben.
Just breathe, Bell.
The book saidThe book The book said "sharp exhalations", like blowing out a birthday candle.
Just get me some drugs! You did specify in your birth-plan you didn't want any.
How about a nibble on a bit of ginger? Why don't you put some music on? Yeah, good idea.
Are we early labour or heavy labour? What do you think?! Need more warm Any, eh Ooh.
Let's have a brew, shall we? Good idea.
Can I have a hot Vimto? Dad? I might have strong coffee.
I'm losing the fight here.
I'll put the kettle on.
Oh.
You don't have to be in here you know.
But I'm your doula, aren't I? Your birthing partner.
The book says "Be close to the mother, to provide emotional support during this beautiful and miraculous-" I'm getting out, I'm getting out.
I'm never having kids.
Charlie, what's going on in there is just Mother Nature doing her job.
It's all perfectly normal.
Doesn't sound normal.
Sounds like a fight between a pig and a gibbon.
You're not helping, Gravy.
I'm off go to my room.
See how my guys are doing.
Yeah, I might start building the cot.
Why don't you get some sleep? It's hardly worth it now.
Might as well stay up.
Yeah, pull an all-nighter.
Right.
But just try to keep quiet.
OK? We have to respect your sister's wishes, that we create a peaceful environment in which Mother Nature.
Just Mother Nature.
Rueben, why don't you take five? Have a bit of a breather? I'm fine, I'm fine.
You've been here for 22 hours.
Go on, get yourself a breath of fresh air.
Darling, you're doing brilliantly.
Isn't she? You're doing amazingly.
Just breathe, Bell.
Just breathe.
What's happening in there? I've got no idea.
It's pandemonium.
She's screaming and the panpipes are doing my head in.
I've got no idea if I'm helping or- Calm down.
What you need is a nice walk around the garden.
Get yourself together.
Yeah Yeah.
And while you're there Why don't you just fill this kettle from the outside tap I am parched.
Good morning ladies, your usual table by the window? And how are things over at the castle today? Oh really? Well, do send my regards to the king.
Bon appetite.
Charlie? How you getting on with that cot? Oh, you've finished! The instructions were in Norwegian I went in blind.
That's my girl.
Grab that end for me.
Right-o.
Yeah, lift her up.
I bet you'll be glad to be out this little room, eh? Sharing with your sister.
Yeah, it'll be good.
And your new room's great, isn't it? All that lovely space, and the big window And my Granddad.
And your granddad.
You know, in some cultures, the elders of the tribe are placed with their grandchildren, to pass on their knowledge of life and the mysteries of the universe.
That way, the child learns how to fish with a stick or stun a gazelle with a rock.
I know what you're trying to say, Dad.
It won't be for long, love, I promise.
He's a boy.
Oh, my God.
It's a boy.
Would Daddy like to cut the cord? Er, yes, please I'll get some scissors.
It's fine.
We have scissors.
I declare thee born.
Welcome to the world, son.
Is the blood bit over? I got you some chocolates.
I heard your sugar levels drops through the floor when you Oh, he's good isn't he? Oh, wow.
You want to hold your nephew? What's that white stuff on his arm? That's called vernix.
Stops him drying out while he's in utero.
I'm good, thanks.
Can I have a little hold? 'Course you can, Dad.
Hello, mate.
How you doing? I'm your granddad.
You want to come and say hello to your family? This is Charlie.
She's your auntie.
She's going to be a famous goalie.
That's from football, which you'll learn about later.
And this is Gravy.
He's your uncle.
Which means he'll finally have to accept some responsibility in his charmed little life.
Isn't he? Yes, he is.
And this old fella here, this is your great-granddad, Billy.
He's just moved in with us.
Long story, involving Lonnie Donegan records and a Breach of the Peace Order.
And this beautiful lady is your nanna, Jan.
She's giving me the face that says "Stop doing that silly voice and hand me the baby over.
" So that's what I'm going to do.
I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
That's alright.
I felt a bit like a spare part but No Thank you, Rueben.
Oh, right.
Maybe you should get some sleep.
I'm fine.
I feel like I've had this amazing burst of energy Yeah, I know but we did talk about this.
Yeah.
We did, didn't we? I'll call you later.
I'm off home everybody.
Bit knackered.
Bye, little mate.
Take care, lad.
What? We're not together any more.
'I'll pop round with the liver on Tuesday.
Yeah? Yeah.
' 'Yeah, well that's a great place.
Yeah.
' Yeah.
Yeah.
Pamplemousse.
Don't know why.
Got a certain je ne ce quoi, I thought.
Better with the accent, of course.
I've sent off for one.
Good morning.
Hi.
I bought you a nice cup of Oh I'll just put this down here.
Get out of your way.
Stay and chat for a bit, Dad.
Yeah? Um OK.
I'll just pop myself down here.
Ohhh.
Couple of little hairs I never noticed before, Dad.
Have I? I meant the baby.
Oh, good.
I'll have a look in a minute.
It's OK, you know.
You can be in here while I'm breast feeding.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just Your Dad's a little old-fashioned when it comes to You know, you need your privacy.
Did you get any sleep? Not really.
It's only like that at first.
Then you don't really notice it.
It was pretty loud.
It's their way of communicating.
That's his way of telling us he's hot or cold or hungry or windy.
Not the baby.
You were talking in your sleep.
I've always done that.
Your nanna would roll me onto my left side.
My brain goes into overdrive on me right.
I don't know why.
Is there any tea? There we go.
The milk's back in the pantry.
So You thought of any names yet? Not really.
Just waiting for his little personality to come through.
I've got a few suggestions up my sleeve.
Go on then.
Alan Roy Peter Archie Gemill I mean Archie.
Are these all Derby County players, Dad? No Not all of them.
He was an assistant manager.
Thanks, Dad.
It's a pleasure.
So how you feeling? Like I'm hallucinating.
Yesterday, I had a lump in my tummy.
Today I've got a son.
It's crazy, isn't it? You must be exhausted.
Why don't I take him for a while? Thanks, Dad.
He looks a bit like Kevin Hector.
Dad.
Morning, guys.
How is everything? Why you whispering? I don't want to inflame the situation with Bell.
This is getting ridiculous now.
What is? You two.
Just take her out for a slap-up meal.
Tell her you're sorry and you love her.
I've tried.
She doesn't believe a word I say anymore.
Well, I can always tell when a man is lying.
When I was in Malaya one of our Jeeps got nicked.
Me and my mate Alf caught this bloke.
I'll tell you what we did to him.
We No, I won't tell that story.
Rueben, I know Bell, and if she didn't want you back, you wouldn't even be allowed in this house.
I'll get it! Fergie? Hello, Auntie Jan.
Oh, I thought you were in Thailand.
Yeah, I was.
Flew back yesterday.
Spent the night in Wolverhampton station sat outside The Lemon Tree.
Julie's ended it.
Oh, no.
Why? Rabies.
Rabies? Yeah.
Night before last, we were leaving a bar when one those street dogs jumps out.
You know, the dirty ones with the saggy udders? Kind of.
Anyway, so I'm doing that thing where you throw an invisible ball.
Then out of nowhere, boom it's gone for Julie.
It was her dress or her hair.
Something set it off.
She's screaming.
I'm trying to get this dog off, but it's clamped its jaws on her wrist.
I've bounced a plastic chair off its back, and it ran off.
Next thing, it's all my fault I "tormented" it.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
She's got to have a course of rabies jabs "just in case" and she's livid.
I didn't know where else to go.
You're staying here! Really? Thanks, Auntie Jan.
I won't be here long, I promise.
I'm sure we can find a space somewhere.
You haven't got rid? I couldn't do that.
Bessie's part of the family.
I you know.
But she was your mum's.
Yeah.
And Nanna Duckers would turn in her grave if I didn't let you use her.
Thanks, Auntie Jan.
Now dump your stuff and come in.
Bell's just had her baby.
Hi, I was just popping to Halfords.
Do you need anything for him? From Halfords? Yeah.
Could you get him a set of 14" alloys, and a neon light for under his pram so it looks like it's floating.
It's just they do loads of stuff for our well for babies.
Look, they've got sun-shades with cartoon characters on them.
And there's picnic blankets with- He's not having any of that stuff.
I want all his toys and things to be natural.
Hand-made.
Wooden.
No paints, no dyes.
Yeah.
No, of course.
That's a good idea.
Better.
I just wanted you to know that, erm You know, I'm here if you need anything.
From Halfords.
In general.
You know.
Thanks.
Right, well, I'd better get off.
OK.
See you tonight? Yeah.
See you later, son.
Be good for your Mummy.
You're hiding from me, aren't you? No.
I didn't know you were in here.
Who were you talking to then? Eh? Er, nobody.
Just So, what you doing then? Just, er seeing if anyone was hiding in here But you're not And there's nobody else in here.
So Cool beans.
Coooool beans.
"Place silicon petal directly over areola and pump firmly until milk begins to 'let down'.
If seepage occurs-" Seepage? Have they actually written the word "seepage"? There's a photo.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
"If nipples become cracked or inflamed-" Right, put it away Mum.
I won't need it anyway.
Yes, but this is for those nights you're too tired to get up, and then someone else can feed him.
Me or your dad, or Rueben.
We're not having that conversation again.
We're not together anymore.
Have you lost something? Eh? Me? No, no, no.
Just uh, came in to say hello to my new nephew.
Hello you.
He's lovely isn't he? Look at his little feet.
They're almost human.
What have you lost? Lost? I haven't lost anything.
But someone has wandered off.
Who has "wandered off"? Don't freak out, with the baby and everything.
It's one of my guys.
He's always doing this.
He likes to go walkabout sometimes.
It's no biggie, I'll find him.
How many legs? Legs? Four.
A lizard? And four arms.
You've lost a spider? Yes, I've lost a spider, but he's not dangerous.
He looks dangerous but he's not.
He only eats other spiders.
And really small birds.
Nothing that size.
I'll try the kitchen.
Hello? I'm phoning about a letter I received from you this morning.
My name's Starling.
'.
.
No, no, next week's not going to be any good.
' When I say "urgent", I mean urgent.
Who you talking to love? Eh? Who are you talking to? Er, bloomin' suppliers.
On the toilet? Yeah.
I've been on hold for You'd think 75mm-trunking, they'd have it in stock.
Belgium! Unbelievable isn't it? Yeah Are you alright? Yeah, I'm fine, never better.
Can I get on with this now? Right.
Hello? Sorry about that.
Prowler! I've caught a prowler! Oh! What are you talking about? Somebody help! I've got a burglar.
Get off me.
What's wrong with you? Don't move, or so help me I will take you down.
Why are you looking in that window? I thought they might be sleeping.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Why would they be sleeping? 'Cause Bell had a baby in the night.
How do you know that? Because he's family.
Eh? Fergie, meet Loz.
My other son.
Oh, yeah.
Alright? Alright.
It's a boy by the way.
Terrific.
Brilliant.
There you go, Granddad.
What's this one, Gravy? That is a Schussboomer's Delight.
Ooh, it sounds interesting.
Is that brandy I can smell? Yep.
And champagne.
It'll knock your head off.
Oh, good.
Good, good.
Ah, that's lovely.
A voucher for a show in the West End.
Thanks, Gravy.
You can take him to The Gruffalo or Poppins, or that one with the big horse.
Jan, you couldn't pass us one of them bitters behind you, could you? Last time I had brandy I woke up on a ferry.
Right, what's this one, Charlie? How did you know he was going to be a boy? She's just clever.
Not really.
It's fifty-fifty, isn't it? Actually, Gravy, I had this dream a few nights ago.
Me and Bell were in this beautiful forest, walking through the trees.
On one side are these wild blueberry bushes, and on the other side are pink roses.
Bell has to choose which way we go and when I looked, she'd skipped off into the blueberries.
That is pretty good.
No.
It was just two-for-one at the book shop.
Alright, alright.
Alright, Loz, your turn.
Come on.
OK, right.
Um, well, um I, er I did this for you, Bell.
Didn't have time to finish it off 'cause he arrived early but you get the general idea.
That is amazing, Loz.
That's all actual hair.
There.
Really? Yeah, I got some of your own baby hair that your mum had been hanging onto and I used that.
Sort of symbolic of the cyclical nature of life and birth.
Right.
So this is all my hair? Yeah.
No Yeah The blonde stuff's yours and the black bits are off a saddleback pig.
Wow.
I'll finish it off next week.
You probably don't need to.
Oh, OK.
Loz, you're nearest.
Open that side pocket there of my bag.
Yep.
Here? Not that side, the other side! Other side! A little bit last minute.
It's just something for you and the little 'un.
Oh.
What is it, a football? Walkie-talkies! They're proper ones.
From a mate in the Philippines, who was in a Not uprising.
What is it? What, coup? Coup.
Yeah, in a coup.
I thought you could use them as make-shift baby monitors.
They've got a four-mile range, so Four miles? We could go down the pub and leave the baby here.
Talking of which, isn't it about time we got going? I'll drive.
It's only down the road.
I know.
We've gotta wet the baby's head.
I don't mind driving.
Are you not gonna have a drink? Well, I'll just have one.
I've got stuff to do tomorrow.
What have you got to do tomorrow? I've got that Mansfield job.
The one you finished? Yeah, but I've left I've got to pick- sort some loose ends out.
We'll be here all night at this rate.
See you later.
You're going as well? Er no.
No, no.
I can stay here if you want.
No, go and have fun.
Just don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Mind you, it's a bit late for that, isn't it? Right So I should go then? OK.
If that's what you want.
Do what you like.
I'm not your boss.
- Bye, Sis.
- Keys.
Erm, I'll see you later.
Don't I get a kiss? Yeah.
Of course.
Eight, nil.
This isn't fair.
I've got lumbago.
No, you haven't.
You're just rubbish.
Right, the fight back begins.
Nine, nil.
You're Terry's step-brother? Half-brother.
How did that happen, then? Erm, when Terry's Mum passed away, Billy - Granddad, there I think he went a little bit doolally.
Had a fling.
And I'm the result.
You grew up down south, did ya? Yeah.
Billy didn't really know anything about me, and, erm My real mother had me adopted.
Blimey.
About a year ago I found out who my Dad was and came here to find him.
It was the best thing I ever did.
Did you ever find your Mum? No.
Ever wanted to? No.
Then I'll never ask you that question again.
Cheers.
Ten, nil.
Well, that was exciting.
Alright, Terry? Hey, Dad.
You're up next.
Oh, look at your eyes.
They're exactly the same.
D'you reckon? Mmm.
He's the spitting image of you.
There's Charlie holding a ball.
Charlie, after Gravy's thrown her ball into the sea.
There's you two.
Turn the page.
Why don't you trying talking to him? There's nothing to talk about.
He slept with my friend.
You don't know the whole story if you don't talk to Rueben.
Turn the page, Mum.
My round.
John Fashanu.
What? C.
John Fashanu.
Oh.
Ta.
Rueben, what happened with you and Bell? I did something very stupid, but it's not what Bell thinks.
I think you two need to sort it out.
You've had a baby tell her the truth.
That's the trouble, Charlie.
The truth doesn't sound very good either.
Ridiculous drink? Urgh.
This is not going to end well.
He's fast asleep.
Thanks, Mum.
Where's this one taken? Oh, that's Madrid airport.
They gave your dad the wrong visa.
Going through customs, suddenly the Guardia Civil are all over us.
He gets carted off at gunpoint.
No.
Yeah.
They wouldn't let me back through again.
I didn't have any money, I couldn't understand a word anyone said.
I watched your dad being frog-marched across the concourse by men with machine guns.
He was calling out not to worry, but I could see he was frightened.
They kept him for 12 hours.
I didn't even know where we were staying.
I know it sounds daft now, but At the time, it felt like I'd never see him again.
I just fell in a heap on the floor in the arrivals lounge.
A passer-by saw me and gave me a hundred pesetas, so I could phone the British Embassy.
It was baking hot inside that airport, Bell.
But d'you know what? I've never felt colder.
I said I was going to Wikipedia it and he slammed the phone down.
Did he? 'Cause Wikipedia is like Kryptonite to know-it-alls.
Now Is that yours, or is that mine? Take it.
I know your little secret, Dad.
What? I'm not stupid.
I know why you're not drinking.
You've just become a granddad! You've got to set an example.
Now that you're, you know, Granddaddy Longlegs you you've gotta be more responsible.
You've gotta assume the mantle of maturity.
'Cause there's nothing is there? nothing more cringe-worthy than a grown man drunk off his head, trying to keep up with the boys.
But don't you worry.
I know that sometimes I'm a huge, crashing disappointment to you, because I didn't want to do the electric things, and follow you into the family business.
But that doesn't matter.
Because tonight, Matthew I'm going to be your wing-man.
Right.
Any drink they get you, I'll have it.
I'll make a start by drinking all these for you.
But first I might just go and have a little bit of sick.
Morning, Dad.
Hello, son.
How's your head? No idea.
Think I left it at Peek-A-Boos.
- Oh, you went clubbing? - With Fergie.
Serves you right.
You should have come home.
Thanks for the sympathy.
I knew there was a reason I hunted you out.
Did you open my blinds? Just to let in a bit of light.
My geckos will be up all day.
You've messed with their melatonin levels.
You alright for locusts? I'm seeing that bloke tomorrow.
He's got a load from doing a video for a Christian rock band.
Put me down for a bag.
The wind machine's killed a few.
You might have to pick through 'em.
Lizards won't care.
Yeah.
Morning.
Hiya.
You look well knackered.
Yeah.
He was burbling away all night, so I didn't get much sleep.
I know how you feel.
I'm sharing with Granddad.
Thanks for moving out, sis.
It won't be forever, I promise.
D'you want a hand? Yeah.
Grab those wipes, would you? Ready? Wow.
That's a lot of- Yep, that's a lot of poo.
Yeah.
"You've reached Starling & Sons, Electricians.
" "Your call is important to us, so please, leave a message.
" Terry, it's me.
Just wondering where you are.
So when you get this message just give me a quick ring back, to let me know you're OK? Umm Love you.
Bye.
Mum? Is Dad ill again? No.
Don't be silly.
No.
Come on, let's get you a bit of breakfast.
Morning, Fergie.
You alright? Yeah, yeah.
I am, yeah.
Have a look at this.
What am I looking at? Right, see that tree? To the right.
Yeah.
Now look at the top of it.
Oh, yeah.
A crow.
No, no.
Not that.
To the west, left of that.
Got it? What is that? Shoes.
Pair of shoes hanging from a tree.
You know what that means? Someone's lost their shoes? Means a gang member's dead.
Saw it when I was in Mexico.
When a gang member dies so he has something to wear in heaven they throw his shoes up into a tree.
I think they're walking boots.
Eh? They look like a pair of Merrell's.
It don't matter what they are.
When one of your crew, or your posse Or another rambler.
.
.
Is killed.
As an act of solidarity, the other members of his fraternity throw his Merrell's.
Don't get bogged down with brand names! They throw his footwear - non-brand specific - into a tree, to protect his feet on his journey to the next realm.
I don't know why I bother.
OK.
Morning.
Has he been in there all night? Dunno.
Are they Merrell's? Can I come in? Hi.
Hi This is for him.
What is it, a new oil filter? Open it.
I haven't got any hands free.
I made it myself.
No paints, no dyes.
It's really nice.
Thanks.
It'll match his sheep pyjamas.
It's a duck.
Is it? Where's its beak? I was still a little bit drunk when I did the head.
Well, I need to go and have a shower.
You'd better look after Zac for a little bit.
Zac? Yeah.
That alright? Yeah.
Yeah, it's amazing.
Hello, Zac.
There's a Grebe there, look.
With her chicks.
I've come for my cuppa.
You'll read anything, you.
You didn't say? I didn't want to worry you.
You've made a really good job of that! I thought it was your heart again.
How come? Well, because you haven't been yourself for days.
Secret phone calls.
You haven't been eating properly.
Barely had a drink.
What was I supposed to think? Don't worry about my ticker.
I'm strong as an ox.
I just wanted to You know, keep a clear head, while I sort this out.
What's happened? The Quigley Hall job's been pushed back.
Oh.
They've declared the building unsafe.
Until the structural engineer gives the go-ahead, we can't proceed.
Oh, Terry, I'm sorry that was your dream job.
So it's back to the usual.
Blown fuses and ring-mains.
In the meantime, this silly sod spent two grand on materials.
I don't think this lot will accept half a ton of heavy-duty cabling as part-payment.
Well, you can rip that up.
Hmm? I rang them earlier and paid it.
What with? I used some of the money Mum left.
Oh no, no.
Love you can't do that.
I won't let you.
Too late.
But you were saving that for a rainy day.
What I am about to say is important.
You're probably gonna see things a girl of your age shouldn't see.
I can imagine how this looks.
No no.
Don't don't come here.
Meet us in town with the cash.
'Do you think I'm doing the right thing taking Charlie on?' Yeah, of course.
Why d'ya ask that? 'Well, things are hardly rosy at the moment.
' I'll never make a living at this.
No poise, no grace.
I'm not getting any emotion! I'm feeling quite angry.
I must go and kill a man who has betrayed my country.
Really? I did not have sex with Bonno.