Starlings (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

Episode 3

1 I'm just a single mum in elasticated jeans.
I give you my new apprentice.
Am I doing the right thing taking Charlie on? Would you rather she sat around looking at the walls, with no motivation and no direction? I suppose we've got Gravy for that.
Good morning, ladies.
I'll never make a living at this.
It was bought by somebody who genuinely understands and appreciates your talent.
What happened with you and Bell? I did something stupid, but it's not what Bell thinks.
You don't know he's done anything wrong.
Then why did Lisa Gumble tell the whole world he spent the night in her room? Mum, where do we keep the brown sauce? Cupboard on the left, near the oven.
Mum, have you seen my Yeah, can you pass me my phone, please? Jan? Jan? Jan? Jan, come and have a look at this.
Oh, Bell, you're gonna knock 'em dead.
What do you think, Jan? Matlock's Next Top Model? Oh, that is a lovely dress.
Right, well, better get off.
Wish me luck.
Good luck, love.
Enjoy yourself.
I think I might just go and say goodbye to Zac before I go.
You've said goodbye to him twice already.
I know.
I just wanna make sure Reuben knows where everything is, that's all.
Come on, the rest of you.
Finish up.
I need you out me way.
Right.
Let's take these sandwiches outside, Charlie.
Give your mother some peace.
Oi.
Oi.
What? Come on.
Your mother's trying to write her story What story? Short story for a magazine competition.
I've got an idea for a short story.
A group of astronauts land on a planet full of giant toads.
These toads can talk, they can stand on two legs.
Anyway, after a couple of weeks held captive, the astronauts escape and they find out they're not on a weird planet.
No.
They're on Earth, in the future.
Right.
Well, this is for "Derbyshire Life".
If you're struggling for something to do, Gravy, why don't you help us in the garden? I can't.
I-I'm busy.
I've got a Devil Chicken Lord to overthrow.
Bath time with Dad, bath time with Dad Bath time with Dad is the best fun I've had! Bath time with Dad, bath time with Dad Bath time with Dad Look, Zac, it's Mummy.
Now you've got Mummy and Daddy here.
Is that the organic baby soap? Yes, and I'm using the natural sea sponge, and his towel's on the warmer.
Good.
We'll be fine.
Go to work.
Right.
Plus, the sooner you're gone, the sooner we can watch the wrestling and get the Scotch out.
Call me if you need anything.
I will.
Now go.
Look, Zac, Mummy's going to work.
She's going to have her photo taken cos she's very beautiful.
Isn't she? Yeah? Yes, she is.
Just like you.
Morning, Gravy.
You look terrible.
Yeah, I think I've doubled up on me arthritis tablets.
I'm feeling a bit woozy.
Grab one of them ant larvae balls there, would you? What, this thing? Yeah, break it in half.
Whoa! That's horrible.
Yeah, that's why I don't like touching it.
It stinks.
Drop it in that end tank, will ya? Ow! One of 'em nipped me! You what? Got a little nick there.
Look, see.
Which spider bit you, Granddad? I didn't see.
It don't matter, does it? It does matter.
Why? Sit yourself down here.
What's going on? Listen, I'm not really sure how to tell you this, but you've just been bitten by either a Huntsman Spider which is totally harmless, or a Brown Button Spider which very much isn't.
So what does that mean? It means there's now a 50-50 chance that you may begin to hallucinate.
Badly.
Hallucinate? Like I said, it's only a 50-50 chance.
So, don't worry.
Don't worry? Where are you off to? Down the shops.
What am I supposed to do? I dunno.
Get yourself a glass of orange juice, try not to freak out.
Dad.
When was the last time you cleared this lot? Er, I can't tell you the exact year.
There was definitely a king on the throne.
Right, you start that end, I'll start this end.
I'll meet you in the middle.
See you in a fortnight.
Oh.
What's this? It's an apple tree, isn't it? Hey? And in the summer, this tree's gonna be full of lovely red ap Pears.
Eh? It's a pear tree, that.
Comice pear.
Right.
It doesn't really matter at this age.
Doesn't it? Depends how you wanna bring him up, I suppose.
"A" is for "Pear".
That's all I'm saying.
What are you doing? Aw, feng shui's all to cock.
Keep waking up at exactly 4:15 every morning.
Gonna try pointing it West.
See if I can tap into the chi from next door's water feature.
Morning, chaps.
Morning, Loz.
Ah, hello, Zac.
You been taking your daddy for a little walk round the garden? Ooh, I made him a I made him a little doll.
Sort of my version of an Action Man.
Smell him.
Huh? What's that? Lavender oil.
Thought it might help him sleep through the night.
Thanks.
That's really nice.
We should probably get going.
I'll grab my coat.
You off anywhere nice? Got to check out some new digs, actually.
My, er, landlady's got herself pregnant, she wants the attic room back to turn it into a nursery.
Bit of a bolt out of the blue, really.
She's been going to Oslo and getting these fertility jabs, and now she's expecting triplets.
She's 57.
It's madness.
So, where you looking? Oh, this old art school mate of mine, Garry, he's put me onto this shared house.
Been turned into a sort of communal living space.
You know, lots of artists and beatniks, and not beatniks.
What do they call them now? Um Junkies.
Not junkies.
Bohemians.
Have you asked him yet? I was just about to.
Can we borrow your van for the day, Reuben? My van? You don't need it.
You're stuck here all day with little Zac.
Well, alright.
But be careful with it, don't wreck it or anything.
I'm not gonna wreck it, am I? What do you think I am? Mr Bean? Ignore that.
Yeah, so first up we'll just get you relaxing on a sun lounger, maybe reading a book, with a fruity drink.
And then we'll get some of you and hubby enjoying breakfast off the lightweight, fold-away combination picnic table and chairs.
And then we'll move on to the festival tent set-up.
Sounds good.
Great.
OK.
So if you just wanna pop your top off.
Pardon? I'm joking.
Smile.
Jan? Mind if I sit with you for a bit? I don't think I should be on my own for the minute.
I'm feeling a bit strange.
Er, no, no, um, no, t-that's fine.
What are you doing? I'm, er, trying to write a short story.
Oh, short story, eh? What about something where a wolf chases a bear along a railway line? Excuse me? Which one of these is best to feed a fish? Eh? Which one of these is best? Uh, I like the pair of them.
You can also give them a bit of romaine lettuce every now and again as little treat.
Oh, thanks.
That's alright.
That looks heavy.
Eh? Oh, no, it's not.
It's just fibre-glass.
Oh, they look so realistic.
Are they all fibre-glass? Er, I don't work here.
No, I know.
I was just making conversation.
Sorry, I'll leave you alone.
Oh, no.
You don't have to do that.
Ask me anything.
I'm a bit of an expert on all this.
Are you now? Yeah, well, not so much fish.
I'm more lizards and snakes.
I'm just down here getting a new rock for Shaznay.
Ah.
Lucky Shaznay.
Oh, no.
Shaznay's not a person.
It's a salamander.
She's a boy.
He He's a boy.
Shaznay's a boy.
How can you tell the difference? Just flip 'em over.
Picnic, picnic.
Yep.
Lovely.
OK, yep.
Picnic time.
Yes.
Yep.
Er, we're gonna try something different, guys.
So, er, give us two minutes.
Earth calling girl.
Oh, sorry.
I was miles away.
Cheer up.
You're on your holidays, with me.
Sorry, I was just thinking about something else.
What's his name? Zac.
Boyfriend? Husband? Son.
Right.
Kiddly-winks.
Never had time myself.
It's too difficult with this job.
I mean, one minute you're in Bristol, the next day could be Droitwich.
I got rid of the dog in the end.
Anyway, who's saddled with young Zac today, then? His father.
I'm just gonna go and check in with them actually, if that's OK? Hey.
We're on our holidays.
Anything goes.
Bell? They've paired me up with a right spoon.
I've just put Zac down for his nap.
How is he? Is he missing his mummy? Yeah.
No.
He's great.
He He's just getting settled.
I don't want to wake him up.
Can I speak to you later, please? Sure, I was only ringing OK, bye.
Bye, then.
Yes? Oh, um, I will have a grande skinny cappuccino, please.
And for you, sir? I will have a cup of the coffee.
Any particular type of coffee? No.
So, where's Katie from? I'm from Bakewell.
What about you? Matlock currently, but I've always seen myself in America eventually.
Maybe the Florida Keys.
You know, just living a simple life, on the beach, drinking coconut milk, catching crabs.
To eat, not, you know, crab Oh crabs.
Do you want to go on a date? Um You're very forward all of a sudden? That's just how I'm built.
You know, Carpe Diem.
That's Latin.
It means seize the diem.
Er Are you alright, Granddad? Yeah, yeah.
Ohh!! Calm down, Billy, calm down.
It's only a cat.
Afternoon, Billy! Jan! Jan! Jan, where's my bow saw? Your what? It's got a red handle.
I haven't seen your bow saw.
Little black label on the side.
No, I haven't seen your bow saw.
It's about yay big.
D'you really want me to say it again? Seriously? No, no.
So, how's the masterpiece coming along? Well, it's not at the moment.
Cos I haven't really had the chance to get started.
Right.
Well, if you're stuck for ideas, and I'm just gonna throw this out there.
Detective, New York City, half man, half crocodile.
No, I've got the idea.
It's just that I keep getting interrupted.
Message received.
Loud and clear.
I will see to it that my beautiful and creative wife is not disturbed for the rest of the afternoon.
Promise.
Thank you, Terry.
There's a talking cat out here.
Wow.
Yeah.
This is alright, innit? Yeah, nice big windows.
Lots of natural light.
You've got a pond over there full of coy carp, and is that a roof terrace? Yeah, no, somebody mentioned something about a roof terrace.
This shared house, what is it, dorms or something? Don't think so.
Get your own room.
It's like a pied-a-terre with its own kitchenette.
How much was it again? 40 quid a week all in.
40 quid?! Yeah.
Jesus, what's the catch? Good afternoon, brethren.
Ah.
Yeah, that's great.
Do you want me to, like, lean into the wind and I'll give you this face? Perfect.
Well, this is me.
Oh, right.
Is this your house? Yeah.
Is that your bike? No, that's my daughter Ava's.
Oh.
You're freaked out now, aren't you? No, not at all.
Don't Don't Don't bother me.
In fact, I've just recently become an uncle myself to little Zac, so I'm used to kids.
Aw, your family sound lovely, Gravy.
Yeah, yeah, they're alright.
You should come and meet them.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, maybe I will one day.
How about tonight? Tonight? Yeah, why not? Er, well, it's It might be a bit soon to, you know, "meet the parents" and all that.
No, no, course.
Well, we'll leave it then, you know? Well, I mean I mean, um, I could.
Ace.
I-I'll give you a call later then.
OK.
Bye.
Peter, am I an amateur fisherman or a professional angler? I'm trying to figure out which face to use.
I think it's probably just a hobby, Gavin.
Gotcha.
Oh, yeah, perfect, perfect, go, go.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, excuse me, love? Are you talking to me? Do you think you might be able to smile a bit? It's just that it looks like you don't want to be here.
Really? Maybe have a look at what Gavin's doing.
OK.
Go on then, have a look at his face.
Awwwwhh! Kill the rain, kill the rain! Jesus, look at me! I'm I'm soaking! So, through here is the day room, where we can just come and let loose.
We only use natural dyes from plants grown on the premises.
Beetroot, turmeric, sassafras leaves.
Ooh, sassafras.
That is reassuring, isn't it? What are you dying for us today, Susanna? Another prayer blanket? Good.
Most of the guys are working the garden this afternoon.
You'll meet them later.
Ooh, can't wait! And this is our wash room.
Got everything you need here.
Wash tub, mangle, running water.
And the great thing is, we have a rota for the laundry.
So you spend the day washing everyone else's gear, then you don't have to do it for a fortnight.
That is a good system.
Roster.
Hm? It's called a roster, not a rota.
Would you like to see the room now? Love to.
Hey.
Sorry about before.
I was trying to get him down when you rang.
How is he? "He's great.
" We went for a nice walk around the park and saw a mallard, didn't we? "Sounds like you're having a really nice day.
" Together.
"Yeah.
" So how's the bloke you're working with? He's off drying his hair at the minute because he got a tiny bit wet.
So come on then, is he bad enough to make the top ten? Straight in at number three.
What? More annoying than Paul Cardew? Paul was number four.
Who's number three, then? The waiter with the eyes in Palma.
The one who kept trying to dance with me.
Oh, yeah! I've had enough of this, Reuben.
"Already?" I know, it's stupid, innit? Can't even last four hours without him.
No, it's totally understandable.
You always knew it was gonna be a hard first day back.
"But you don't need to worry about Zac.
" "He's with his dad and we're having a great time.
" Just try and enjoy it.
OK.
I'll try.
"Call me later?" Course.
Nissaya Muttaka says you're an artist? Who does? Er, our mutual friend.
Gary.
Oh, Gaz.
Yes, that's right.
I'm a painter, sculptor, sometime metalworker.
Er, I just bend it.
I don't use an angle grinder or anything, so there's nothing noisy.
This room will be perfect for that sort of thing.
It's at the back of the house, away from the main road, and has the big sash windows with a lovely view of the banyan tree.
Hear that? Banyan tree.
Ah, I'm sorry.
I didn't realise anyone was in here.
This is Aminata.
She's leaving for Nairobi in the morning to, er, channel colours into the earth.
It's very nice to meet you, Aminata.
You're wasting your time, Lawrence.
She's in deep trance.
You could put a penny-banger in her hair and she wouldn't even flinch.
So, that's us.
Any questions? Yes, um, council tax.
Mum? Mum, where are you? Oh, there you are.
Why are you sitting in the dark? Erm, helps me concentrate.
Have we got any rubble sacks? Any what? Rubble sacks.
For rubble.
Bin bags, under the sink, Dad says we need rubble sacks.
No, you don't need rubble sacks.
Just double bag 'em.
Where are they? Under the stairs? Under the sink! Jan?! Jan?! In here! Have we got any rubble sacks? I've already asked.
I've just said, you don't need rubble sacks, you need Whoa, it's like the black hole of Calcutta in here.
There, that's better.
You can see what you're writing now.
Thanks.
Thank you very, very much.
That is just fantastic! I didn't mean to Two hours peace and quiet, that's all I ask for, but I don't even get that, do I? You lot are incapable of doing anything without me.
I got up at 6:30 this morning so that I could find some time to do this, but it's like you lot can sense when I've got five minutes to myself, then it starts up again.
"Mum, can you help me with this?" "Jan can you do that?" "Where's my saw?" "Have we got any rubble sacks?" "Oooh, I've got a strimmer now, I might start that up while Jan's trying to write!" What about me, Terry?! When do I get two minutes to do something for myself?! You can It's a rhetorical question! I know it's only a silly competition in a magazine, but it's important to me, so if it's OK with you, I'm gonna go out now to try and find somewhere quiet.
So, is this one spicy, or? And let's eat.
Well, this all looks lovely.
For your nourishment.
What, um What is it all? Kale leaves from our garden.
That's the golubtsi, which is cabbage rolls with millet.
Jim's speciality.
And that's the mock fish soup.
Ooh.
What sort of fish is it? Mock fish.
Ah.
Lovely.
So, do you guys believe in pudding? My favourite part of the meal, Anthony.
We have an extra special treat today.
Homemade water chestnut cake.
I'll just have a glass of tap water.
Well, it's a lovely house, Brother Arthur, it really is.
And it's so quiet.
And I love the room.
So, is there a procedure for choosing a prospective new tenant? How does that all work? It's fairly straightforward.
What we do is we take the bones of a winged creature, cast them into the blessed fire, then, at midnight, we take a reading from the embers.
I knew it! I'm joking.
We just need a reference and some bank details.
Joking aside however, there is one tiny obligation on your part before we can offer you the room.
God You liked that, didn't you? Look, Zac, there she is,.
.
sitting on the floor of a car park.
Oh God, y-you're crying.
It's alright, it's only a wheel clamp.
We'll get it sorted.
What's happened, Bell? Are you alright? I am now.
Belgian chocolate with two marshmallows and butterscotch syrup.
I was convinced I wanted to go back to work, Reuben.
I thought it'd be nice to have one day where I didn't have to worry about bottles and nappies and getting him off to sleep.
But I hated every minute of it.
I couldn't stop thinking about him.
It's like there's an invisible string that connects us.
And the further apart we are, the harder it gets.
And I realised today, I don't wanna do anything else.
All I wanna do now is be his mum.
Well, do it then.
I've got a steady job now, haven't I? You don't need to work.
I could provide for all of us.
Like we always planned.
When the moon meets your eye Like the big pizza pie, that's amore Get out of my kitchen.
I'm just grabbing a towel.
What are you up to? Just running a little bath.
See if it can clear me head, been feeling a bit odd all day.
Alright? Yeah.
You? Good as gold, good as gold, Pater.
Where's Mama? She's just popped out for a minute.
Oh, I wanted to talk to her about the menu for this evening.
The menu? Yeah, it's just I've got me new girlfriend coming over for dinner.
Your Yeah.
You hear that, Granddad? Gravy said he's got a girlfriend.
Think I'm hallucinating.
Welcome to my world.
Terry.
Where's Jan? She's popped out.
Right.
Is she going to be long? I dunno.
It's just that I've had to invite a couple of friends over to break bread with us.
What friends? That lot won't be any good.
One of them only eats seeds.
Would it be a great strain to ask you to provide a vegan alternative? That's that all cleared, Dad.
I might jump in the bath before tea.
Oi.
Wait your turn.
Right, everyone, get out of the kitchen.
I've got it under control.
Loz, I'll do a vegan option for your mates.
Gravy, there'll be enough lasagne for your girlfriend.
You've got a girlfriend? Yeah.
Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure! Everybody get out from under my feet, give me five minutes peace and quiet.
Dad? What now?! What's that? Dad.
Did you turn your bath off? - Um - Ooh! Did I imagine that, or did our oven just blow up? Not tonight, thank you.
Um.
We're friends of Lawrence.
Lawrence? Ooh.
Me.
Sorry about that, brethren.
I was just on the, er I was just having a I was meditating.
Cranberry and elderflower.
Non-alcoholic, I'm afraid.
Oh, that's very sweet of you.
Thank you.
Well, come through.
Terry.
Here they are.
I'm Terry.
Welcome to our home.
Had a bit of a mini disaster here earlier, so I'm afraid the lights have gone and the oven's blown up.
Ironically, I am an electrician, so if you ever want any work doing, paid work obviously, well, I'd do it for nothing but at the moment I I'm not in the position Terry, you're babbling.
Sorry.
I always get like this around, um, religious figures.
I forgive you.
That's very good.
Lovely, lovely.
Right, let's go drink some wine.
And, ooh, and this.
How many avocados have we got for this salad, Charlie? Two.
No, they're aubergines.
Are they? Oh, well, none then.
Right.
How we looking? I've given them the carrot sticks and the hummus, so that should buy us a bit of time.
Loz, calm down.
It's under control.
Everyone's got a drink, this is about five minutes away, just grab a knife and help Charlie with the salad.
Right.
There.
Just sit down.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Hello? Anyone home? - Hello? - Hello.
Hi.
Hiya, love.
Pull up a pew and I'll fetch you a drink.
Oh, uh, lovely.
Fergie! Yeah? A large glass of Pinot for my beautiful wife, please.
Coming up.
This is nice.
Who are all these people? Over there is Arthur, and, um, that's Arthur's friend.
They're guests of Loz.
Over there is Gravy's new girlfriend.
His? Yep.
Mum, I would like to present Katie.
Nice to meet you, Mrs Starling.
And this is Ava.
Her daughter.
Lovely to meet you both.
Dinner is served.
Spag bol for everyone.
Mum says you've got a snake.
Yeah, um, I've got all sorts.
I've got a mini-menagerie in my bedroom.
Show us then.
Eh? Take me to your bedroom and show us your snake.
Er Budge up, Ghandi.
What is it? He is a bearded dragon.
It hasn't got a beard.
Yeah, well, he don't breathe fire either.
You gonna be my new dad, then? Pardon? You and Mum seem to be getting very close.
Yeah, well, it's very early days really.
Are you gonna pay for my operation? Your what? I've got a back-to-front heart, haven't I? It's gonna cost loads.
They only do the operation in India.
I've never been to India though.
So, I'm quite looking forward to it.
Oops, I shouldn't be saying all this.
Freaked the last bloke right out.
Huh.
Can I hold a spider? Hm.
Fire.
Nature's most beautiful gift.
Destroyer, creator.
Without her there wouldn't be any life.
But she can take life, just like that.
It's getting all a little bit weird now, I mean, cos it's like 4:15 on the nose every morning.
Bang.
I'm wide awake.
So I was thinking, it might be the position of the caravan.
So I've tried feng shui and, you know, cleansing the energy with singing bells, but nothing.
So I wondered if maybe you could help.
Which way is Mecca? Fergie, do you wanna come and help me wash up? I've only just sat down.
Please.
I'll be back.
Oh, he's all tickly.
Have you got a ladybird spider? No.
Do you know what they do? How do you mean? It's quite funny, actually.
After they mate, the male dies and the female raises the young on her own.
Then, the spiderlings stay in a burrow and wait for the mother to die.
And do you know what happens next? And this is the funny bit.
They eat their own mother.
Sorry.
I'm dropping off here.
What time is it? I'd better make a move.
Thanks for everything today, Reuben.
Looking after Zac and, you know.
Don't mention it.
I can come over tomorrow after work and give you a hand, if you like? Yeah, maybe.
Well, I'd better get going.
You're sure I can't tempt you to another glass of cranberry and elderflower? Go on then.
Fairy lights are amazing, aren't they? This morning this was a barren wasteland.
Stick up a few fairy lights, suddenly you're in a magical realm.
We've done a good job here.
Well done.
You too, Dad.
What do you reckon next then? Flagstones? Decking? Can we get a hot tub? No.
It's perfect just the way it is.
And cheaper.
Are you alright, son? Not really, no.
Good, good.
We'll be heading homeward now.
Right.
I trust you had an enjoyable evening.
We had a wonderful time.
It was great seeing how you guys do things, actually.
The family eating together, outside, amongst nature.
It's only cos the oven blew up.
Thank you, Arthur.
It's just something we like to do from time to time.
And your father, Billy.
I had a chat with him earlier by the fire.
Wow.
He really is an incredible thinker.
Isn't he? Billy? What, that Billy there? Truly, you have a wonderful family, Loz.
We'd be honoured to have you come live with us.
Really? Absolutely.
Subject to a credit check.
Thank you, Brother Arthur.
And thank you, whoever you are.
Hey, that's good news, isn't it? Hmmm, yeah, terrific.
Did you get it finished then? Yeah, I posted it on the way home.
What was it about in the end? It was about a little girl who finds fairies at the bottom of her garden.
And this little girl, was she half crocodile? I'm having a very weird day, Granddad.
You and me both, son.
Oh, yeah.
I was only joking about the spider and the hallucinations earlier.
You know what I've realised today? Is that the universe, our universe, is merely the daydream of an infinite number of minds reflected back at us through time and space, like a What do you call it? Thought prism.
I think you definitely doubled up on your tablets this morning, Granddad.
Yeah, me too.
I might do it again tomorrow.
Hi, Josh.
Hi, Charlie! 16-year-old boy with a 16-year-old boy's needs.
Monster machines extravaganza, first prize £1,000? What you playing at? Run! Argh! What you doing, Gravy? Staring competition.
You're 26.
Maybe you should start thinking about getting a place of your own.
Can I move in with you? Um And I'd like to ask for your blessing.
This is about pulling the rug so that you two learn to trust each other.