State of Georgia (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

The Mole

How was hot yoga? Interesting.
I learned the temperature at which deodorant becomes odorant.
Then why do you look and smell so Daisy fresh? That's because after yoga class, I went home, took a shower, changed into some clean yoga clothes, grabbed my mat and came here.
- That makes no sense.
- It makes perfect sense.
I am telling the world I'm a girl who does yoga without being all sweaty like a girl who does yoga, or like you.
What's going on here? Buffalo sauce brings out my natural oils.
Dig in.
It's on me.
Oh, it is on you.
It's all over you.
Hmm, large plate of wings, large beverage.
You win the lottery? You know that ad I put on Craigslist for at-home tutoring? - You got a hit? - Two.
The parents of a high school kid who needs help in math and an old man who wanted me to stomp on birthday balloons in heels.
And knowing you, you went with the kid.
That old man, he'd have bought you a car.
Jo, don't look now.
That hot guy from last week is here.
He's back, and he's checking us out.
And he caught me.
Jo, you know a wingman isn't someone just sitting around eating wings, right? Well, it's working because here he comes.
Good evening, ladies.
Saw you from over there, and I wanted to come talk to you, but I didn't wanna use some cheesy pickup line.
( Sneezes ) Oh, I'm sorry.
I must be allergic to your good looks.
Okay, you know that's not actually medically possible.
Oh! I see what you're doing.
As you were.
He was trying to come up with a non-cheesy way to talk to me, but he's still not quite there yet.
I'm Brian Anderson.
Nice start.
I'm Georgia Chamberlain and that is Jo Pye.
I see you do yoga.
Yes, I just got out of class.
I must be all glowy.
Super embarrassing.
You have no idea.
You know, I've done a little yoga myself.
This is a little move I like to call "taking your phone and putting in my number.
" ( Laughs ) And I'm gonna need you to do a little move I call "unlock your phone.
" - This is probably why you lock your phone.
- Mm-hmm.
Give me one good reason why I should unlock my phone.
So I can take you to dinner.
Am I ordering from a waiter or from a clown's mouth? - Paper menu, cloth napkins.
- Start typing.
- How's Saturday night? - We're gonna order in, catch up on some "Cougar Towns.
" As you were.
Saturday sounds perfect.
Nice meeting you, Brian Anderson.
It was a pleasure meeting you, Georgia, and Jo.
See ya.
How does that always happen for you? Sweetheart, you can't ask me these questions when you're drinking ranch dressing.
You just can't.
( Theme music playing ) What are you two doing? I'm taking new pictures for my Facebook page.
My new friend Brian is gonna be looking me up, and I want him to see what I look like when I'm just chillaxing around the house.
That's you, salt of the earth.
Aunt Honey, can we take pictures on your fancy couch upstairs? You know there's no flash photography in my apartment.
How do you know Brian is going to check you out on this devil machine? Because, Aunt Honey, that's what we do.
You know, when you meet a guy you google him, you Facebook him.
- You see if they tweet, they blog.
- How else gonna get to know someone? When I was your age, we got to know people by-- and I know this is going to sound crazy-- actually getting to know them.
( Mock laughter ) Well, like, when you were our age weren't you blowing smoke signals from one cave to another? Honey, don't make me put my glass down.
I'm sorry.
Well, thanks to my friend the devil machine, I can weed out all of the losers and freaks and comic book nerds.
Those get tossed in the Jo pile.
Well, call me old-fashioned, but when you are getting to know a gentleman, you should do it face to face.
At least until you switch positions.
I'm talking about dancing.
You girls are filthy! Aunt Honey, I'm sorry, but that is old-fashioned.
We have a new way of dating these days and it's much easier.
And for the record, you weren't talking about dancing.
We have a problem.
There are 427 Brian Andersons in New York City.
No no no no, I need a hard target.
My Saturday nights are precious to me.
How am I gonna find out more information about this guy before I commit to a whole dinner with him? Why don't you just grab a quick coffee? I like it-- in and out, limited exposure.
Put your phone on the table, ask him some questions.
You listen in, Google him until we find out the information we need.
Or you could have a nice dinner with the man and have a real conversation.
Okay, if you're not gonna help, I'm gonna need you to stop distracting me.
Nice job, Mikey.
Next time let's work on those equations and see how you do with the factorization of polynomials.
Whoa, you have "Iron Curtain Ops 3"? Have you made it to the secret room in the Kremlin? - There's a secret room? - Little hint-- Knock three times on the handicapped stall.
There's a handicapped stall? ( Laughs ) I know what I'm doing all night-- hanging out in digital bathrooms.
You're funny, Jo.
See you Thursday.
( Giggles ) Hi, Aunt Honey.
What? You don't see it.
See what? That young man is in love with you.
( Laughs ) Mikey? No.
Jo, you spend so much time in cyberworld, you have completely lost your ability to read people.
I don't need to read people.
I can read Facebook.
See, look, it says that Mikey likes pizza, that his favorite movies are "The Fast and The Fury-I.
" The computer tells me everything, and the only thing it's saying he loves is dressing in drag.
Oh, no, that's his sister.
Wow, those are some strong genes.
Believe what you want.
I am never wrong about anyone, except for Ricky Martin.
Didn't see that one coming.
Thank you so much for getting coffee with me.
Saturday just felt so far away.
I was happy to hear from you.
So how was your day? Also, what do you do for a living? Oh, and where were you born at? Fine, import/export and St.
Joseph's in Philadelphia.
I love Philadelphia! Liberty bell, Ben Franklin, cream cheese.
Can you get me another cup of coffee? You haven't touched yours.
Well, I don't feel it until the second one.
And a glass of ice, please.
( Sputters ) Hey, Jo, how are you doing? Kicking commie ass.
I just took out three KGB moles.
( Gunfire ) Not your stupid spy game, Jo.
How are we doing with the Brian Andersons? With what he said so far, I've narrowed it down to 31 possible guys, but I need more specifics.
Ask him if he was buried in Arlington National Cemetery.
Really, Jo? Really? He's coming back.
So how long have you lived in New York? Two months.
I came here right after college.
- Where did you go? - Georgetown.
And I see what's going on here.
You do? Yeah, I'm nervous too.
Huh? Since I met you yesterday, I have been spinning out, wondering who you are, what you like.
But sitting here with you now, all I can think is "slow down.
" I wanna get to know you, Georgia, and the longer it takes, the better.
Do you always know exactly the right thing to say? Jo: Die, commie scum! Die! That was my ringtone.
I am super patriotic.
USA, USA! I gotta take this, okay? Hello, Jo.
Something's wrong.
None of the Brian Andersons I've narrowed it down to graduated from Georgetown.
It's like he doesn't exist.
Maybe he's an undercover cop-- ooh, or in Witness Protection.
Oh my God.
I bet he's a spy.
Jo, seriously, he is not a spy.
You only think that 'cause you're playing that stupid spy game.
If you were playing "Dwarf Quest 4," you'd be telling me Brian was a wizard.
No, then he'd be a small warlock.
Think about it-- import/export.
Classic CIA Cover.
I mean he's doing everything but speaking Russian.
Jo, that's crazy, all right? Goodness.
Stay on the line, okay? I'm going in.
( Speaking Russian ) Was that Russian? - Yeah.
Work thing.
- Ah.
- Oh.
- Look, I'm sorry, but I'm really gonna have to go.
I will contact you as soon as I can.
Okay, that was weird.
Oh my God! We know too much already.
+ Whoever this guy is, he has covered his tracks or the government has covered them for him.
He is not a spy, Jo.
Actually, that would be kind of cool.
It's not as glamorous as you think.
And that's all I can tell you.
It's an active operation.
All I know is that Brian still wants to have dinner with me tomorrow, and I really like him.
I'm telling you, there's something strange about a guy our age that doesn't exist online.
What's strange is a girl who can't read people trying to talk her friend out of a nice date just because the boy hasn't passed some crazy background check.
It wasn't crazy.
And what's the point in giving you the baby powder and the tape if you're not gonna get me a fingerprint? Oh, my God, Jo, you actually did it.
You made Aunt Honey seem like the sane one.
( Chuckles ) I am going on that dinner with Brian, and I am going to get to know him while I'm with him.
Good for you, Georgia.
And if this Brian should ever take you to Morocco, you and I have never met.
Moving onto differential equations.
If a guy wanted to buy you perfume, what kind would you like? Well, I'm allergic, so it would have to be water-based.
Oh boy.
You know what? Can we just focus on your homework? Sure.
So differential equations-- - What are you looking at? - Where'd you get your t-shirt? Online.
I think I bought it online on an online store.
Oh, look.
Time for you to go.
You're not wearing a watch.
I have a biological clock-- an internal clock.
You know what I meant.
Off you go.
Uh, okay.
Can I see you on Saturday night? Saturday night? Yeah, for extra tutoring.
I have a huge test on Monday.
It's half our grade.
I really need the help.
Okay, fine.
But you should know Saturday's the day I wax my mustache.
Wow, smart and funny.
- Say it.
- Oh You were right.
Mikey's in love with me.
That's all I needed to hear.
Say it again.
( Laughs ) I could listen to you talk about yourself all night.
I like you so much.
And I wanted to apologize for acting a little weird the other day.
Yeah, what was that about? I wasn't sure if we were on a date or if I was being audited.
By the way, you still need that credit report? No, I have to be honest with you.
I was asking all those questions so that I could look you up online.
You know how people do that.
- So did you find anything? - No.
And I have to tell you it was a little weird.
I mean everyone has something online.
Well, there's a reason I don't.
I'm not who you think I am.
What do you mean? How do I explain this? There was this mole and it had to be taken out.
There was a mole? It was ugly.
I don't really like to talk about it.
( Stammers ) What kind of mole was it? ( Whispering ) Was it KGB? North Korea? What? No.
There was a huge mole on my face.
I had it my whole life.
What did you think I was talking about? ( Laughing ) That.
You know? Not like a spy.
That's just stupid.
Kids used to call me mole boy, so I had it removed.
And everything was going fine until people found out that the doctors had taken skin from my Butt and grafted it over where the mole had been, then everyone started calling me-- Assface.
How'd you guess? There's really nowhere else you can go with that.
When I got out of college, I wanted a fresh start, so I started going by my middle name-- Brian.
That's why you can't find anything about me online.
Got it.
( Chuckling ) So there's no real mystery.
You're just a normal guy with an assface.
+ Brian is an assface.
And this is why we prescreen.
If Georgia had found his Facebook page and read even one.
"Happy Birthday, assface," we wouldn't be having this problem.
You mean you wouldn't have gone out with a nice young man? A nice young man who tried to fool me.
Oh, that's right.
I remember him taking photos of himself in a ball gown, putting them on that fancy abacus and telling the world that that's how he chills around the house.
No, wait.
That was you! - That was different.
- Was it? He was just trying to put the best version of himself out there, same as you, same as-- same as most people.
I'm a good version of me.
I know, baby.
If you really want to connect with someone, you should let them see your worst.
That's what Brian did, and now you have to decide if you can live with it.
Brian is a great guy.
He makes me laugh and he lets me talk about myself A lot.
Then maybe it's time you told him something about yourself, something that you wouldn't dare put on this single-processor PC With half the ram it should have.
I'm not an idiot, girls.
- Hey, Jo.
- Oh crap.
Listen, Mikey, we need to talk.
Everything okay? I think so.
I've never actually done this before.
( Clears throat ) Look, you're a really sweet guy, but I see you as more of a friend.
Oh my God.
You think I like you? I mean you think I like you like you? You don't? Eww.
That's creepy.
You're old.
Aren't you like 25? So-- so what's with the flowers? Oh, they're for my age-appropriate girlfriend.
That's why I asked about your t-shirt and your perfume.
It's her birthday.
We're going out after this.
My first breakup and I still got dumped.
So what's your girlfriend like? She's awesome.
Here, let me show you her on Facebook.
Just gotta give it a second to load.
- Yeah, you need more Ram.
- I know.
Who's Brian the spy? It's this guy I was trying to look up.
It was impossible to find him.
- You have enough here.
- No, I don't.
Trust me.
I have a genius IQ And I taught at computer camp.
Found him.
- His first name is Eric.
- What? We've all taught at computer camp.
( Panting ) Hey.
I hope you weren't waiting long.
No, I'm just glad you escaped whatever was chasing you.
Oh, no, I just got out of yoga class and I wanted you to see me like this.
It's a gift.
And I didn't get you anything.
No, I was thinking about your whole face situation and how brave it was for you to share that with me, so here I am.
It's the real me, but only five minutes a day, tops.
I swear.
- I think you look great.
- Thank you.
Now let's have some drinks and have some fun.
( Kisses ) Uh! - Yeah, thank God it tastes like face.
- ( Laughs ) Georgia, wait! His name is Eric Anderson.
He's from Philly, he has three sisters and he loves cheesesteaks.
Oh, and one more thing-- He's married.
You're what? No, I'm not.
Tell that to Nadia, your Russian wife.
That's who he was talking to on the phone.
We have names, documents, Google images.
I would show you, but it's not pretty.
Actually, his wife is super pretty.
Is all this true? Okay, yes, but I can explain.
Oh, really? I'm a spy? You better get out of here before I spank you on your face! Wow, that was rough.
Hey, I'm Michael.
And this is all face.
+ How're you doing? Ice cream has pushed most of the rage out of my body and most of the yoga.
You know that wasn't your fault.
I know, and in a way I'm kind of glad that it happened.
You know, I got to open myself up to a guy.
It was the wrong guy, but Being real with someone felt right.
You know what's gonna feel even better? Changing Brian's Facebook status to "two-timing assface.
" Mikey taught me how to do it.