Stella (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode Five

Want to come down the rec Saturday mornings? Under 15s.
And bring your mam if you like.
No point.
She won't go out with you.
I've got 54 minutes.
You are not getting married and you're not turning Hindu! Racist! Childish! Who's Rob Morgan? Luke's dad.
Best not to mention Rob to Stella though.
Bit of a sore point.
I wanna go out with you because you're gorgeous and sexy.
A date? Yeah.
With Sean? You're technically old enough to be his mother, aren't you? He's 32, alright? Mam, you ledge! You've got a toy boy! But, what am I gonna wear? Dinner lady.
Frumpy! Desperate.
A frumpy, desperate, dinner lady.
Right, I'm sorry.
There's only one thing for it.
I'm gonna have to wear the black dress.
Black dress and Christmas jacket.
You haven't worn that since before Ben was born.
I know, so I must lose two stone.
Sean will be drawing his pension by then.
Oi! I'll lamp you with my ironing arm.
Well, we better get you in shape then.
Down, boy! Ben, come on.
It's 10 to! OK.
"Great track.
I love that one.
That is one of my favourites.
" You'll have to wait.
Come on.
My name's Starving Marvin.
You know the rules.
You can't go training on a belly full of toast.
Tsk! Go and do it out the front.
It's coming in the house.
Just one piece to stop me fainting in the press-ups.
Come on.
I've been good all week.
Do you have to come today as well? It's really embarrassing.
Mam, tell her.
Are you off, you pair? Oi! God, you ming of fags.
At least I'm not clinically obese.
Mam, tell him.
He's talking to me, love.
No, I'm not.
Take no notice.
He's just winding you up.
I have put on, mind, haven't I? You're bound to, beaut.
Everyone puts on.
I put on three stone with Luke.
Great! I've gotta go.
Me, too.
Bugger off, Paula Radcliffe.
A hundred and fifty calories.
Yeah, whatever! Squeeze it out! Pump it! Squeeze it! OK! Sit ups! Come on! Who wants it most? Who got the lungs? Who got the heart? Who got the balls? I told you, you shouldn't have come.
Press ups! God! Next week, county final! The first time ever for Pontyberry Youth to make it.
- OK? - On your feet! Breathe for 20! Why does she keep coming? She's not even a boy, like.
Cos I wanna be in the rugby team! She got a date.
Don't tell my dad that.
He thinks she comes here cos of him.
It doesn't get any bigger.
We've got a mountain to climb! But together we'll climb it.
In the words of that nun from "The Sound of Music", not Maria, the old one, "Climb every mountain, swim every stream, cross over the" - Right, you know the rest of it.
- Come on! Start! You know I wrote that letter to Roy Morgan? Yeah.
Well, he's written back.
With a letter.
For Luke.
Are you gonna give it to him? Dunno.
- Less of the chat, boys.
- Right.
Keep still.
Stars! Pump 'em out! Pump! I see.
I'm very impressed.
Yeah, well, I am two stone overweight.
Just big-boned you are.
Like me.
And Heather from "EastEnders".
You certainly know how to make a woman feel good about herself.
I try my best.
Last run! Make it count! Go on! Go away, old man! You have the mindset of a pit-bull! Come on! Yes! Come on! Come on! "And so, in order to personalise your journey and tread your path as an individual, please record your name after the beep.
" My name is Alan.
You have taken the first step to fulfillment.
" "So" "My name is Alan.
" "- It's time to go for it.
- Your life is about to get better.
" What are you doing here? Mam says you don't know about it.
About what? Cruise.
Her and Keith.
Put that down! No way! Melissa! God! This feels like when I couldn't get on a donkey down Trecco Bay and I got my foot caught in the stirrup.
I had to do the whole ride on my belly.
Two laps.
And when Gumpa got me off, I was sick.
Got it down Evan's hair.
I'm thinking of getting one of those Swiss balls for the birth.
You're gonna have the baby on one of them? Maybe.
Jemma Price did.
Mam? What? Hush, Mam, it's the results.
"Natasha!" My God.
I knew it'd be her.
What, Ben? Nothing.
Where are you going? And don't say revision.
Em, come on.
I've got biology prac on Monday.
It's a Saturday night, man.
So? You've got dedication, that's all.
See you tomorrow, OK? Whatever.
Are you alright there, Stell? Yeah.
Good luck Monday.
Don't be nice to him.
He's a knob.
How'd it go today? Fine, apart from the fact the whole town seems to avoid me.
Janice Maycock came in to do her car tax, and walked out when she saw I was working there.
Didn't want me knowing her registration number.
She's always been a bit top.
Even Nie Trains crossed the street.
You shouldn't have nicked his car.
At least he didn't nick his train! Alright, Benny boy? Yeah, why? Just asking.
It's your boyfriend.
You've got three missed calls.
Shall I answer it? No! Alright, Sean, it's Emma.
Yeah, I'll get her now.
Here she is.
Should I be taking a hint? What hint? Marj had to call you a couple of times today.
- Yeah.
I couldn't find my phone.
- Liar! Right, so this date.
How about tomorrow night? Hang on.
I didn't say speed date.
That's far too soon.
How about next weekend? Well, I've got Ben's rugby thing.
And I always do indoor hang-gliding on a Sunday.
"Of course you do.
" Listen, you're a very funny lady and the banter's great, but I can get that from my mates down the pub.
Are we going out or not? It's like being back at school, this.
I know, and I'd love to, I just don't know if I'm ready yet.
She's still got a couple of stone to shift! It's daft.
You wouldn't understand.
I tell you what I do understand.
I want to take you out, and you've already said yes.
To a painter and decorator that is a verbal contract, so you're not backing out now.
After the rugby, cancel the hang-gliding, Giovanni's, eight o'clock.
Giovanni's it is then.
Ooh! Bugger! Off for the day? Yep.
Another day in paradise.
We've just heard, presh.
We figured stunning.
What? Em told us.
You got a date.
And I almost cried for you, didn't I? We've been wanting you to get with someone for yonks.
Yeah, truth is, babes, Nad's always felt crap about you, ever since I two-timed you with her.
The guilt has been unbearable, hasn't it, Karl? But now you've got a fella, maybe you could pop round one night for a girlie.
We could even double date, if you like? Cos he's a top bloke.
Fancied you since top juniors.
Fair play.
And you're gonna make a lovely couple cos you're both big, and that helps.
What are you wittering on about? Your date with Big Alan.
My date is not with Big Alan.
Who's it with, then? Well, not that it's any of your business, it's with Sean.
Sean Top House? No.
Navy Sean? No! Sean Crap Shag? Not Sean Crap Shag! Sean McGaskill.
Decorator fella.
Drives a motorbike.
Teaches boxing down Big Ray's gym.
You mean Scouser Sean? Yes, Scouser Sean.
He's actually from Barnsley, but that's by the by.
Satisfied? Scouser Sean? Cowin' hell! Which one's he then? No one in.
Are you looking for me? Mr David Kosh? The very same.
Sign here, will you? Come up on the Pools, have I? No.
So, you'll definitely be there? Kick-off's eleven.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
See my little Ben play.
And I've saved you seat in the VIP enclosure.
You love a VIP enclosure, don't you, Al? I didn't even know we had one.
Yeah, well, it's a new edition.
Good God.
Where did that spring from? My old dog.
I'm looking after him for Melissa.
Alan! Don't mention my name.
What are you doing? That dog hates me, Stella.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
Took he half an hour to get to the cereal this morning.
Then he wouldn't let me at the milk.
I had to have it dry.
Princess is a he? Aye.
That dog used to love me, but now you can't even say my name in front of him.
D'oh, Alan.
Don't be silly.
He probably growls at all sorts of names.
I've never seen a stripy one before, Bobs.
They do all sorts these days, Stell.
This one's just a bit childish.
It doesn't take itself too seriously.
Now she's in the office, she is.
Paula!! Stella's here! Coffee? Black, no sugar, no nothin'.
This'll get him going on your date.
Not a chance, even if I lived on grapes and licked lettuce all week! And anyway, I don't wanna get him going.
I just wanna look half decent, that's all.
Bloody hell, Paula.
Why did I say yes? Life's gone all complicated now.
I'll have to shave my legs.
I haven't done that for years.
You minger.
Nor that, neither.
If you need any waxing done, I'm your man.
Sex begins at 40.
God, don't mention sex! It's only a bowl of spaghetti.
I couldn't have actual sex with him.
I wouldn't know where to begin! Right.
Bobs, scoot.
Private time for the ladies.
But I was hoping Make yourself useful.
Go polish the stiff shifter or something.
OK, your Aunty Paula is gonna teach you a few tricks of the trade.
That's right.
David Kosh.
What it is, see, I got this letter and it Sorry? Right.
What time, like? But I only left it there two minutes, misses.
It was only a few inches over the yellow line.
Two minutes, you say? Two minutes? I can't.
I feel an idiot.
Carry on.
Carry on.
A few inches, you say? I know your type, young man.
A few inches now, a few inches later.
The next thing you'll be sticking it This is ridiculous! Stella! Role play is one of the best ways to bring out your inner confidence.
When Dai had his accident, that's what made him a man again.
That and the cream.
Don't mention the cream! Listen to one who knows.
Now you want Sean to see you're mysterious and experienced.
Yeah, but not a bloody nutter.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
Lend you the uniform.
What uniform? Traffic warden.
It'll be a bit snug, but that's half the joy.
Paula! I want you to try it on and practise at home in front of the mirror.
OK? Dai's there now.
Drop off some stock for me, pick up the costume.
For God's sake.
Stella! I've got an active sex life, and you haven't.
So which one of us knows best? Dai! It's me! It was open! Just dropping the stuff off for Paula.
She said I could borrow something from her wardrobe, so You look a bit suspicious like that.
I was just So is it OK if I go on up? What? Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Are you alright? Not really, no.
So the reality is, Mr Kosh, you've been receiving a weekly payment in Social Security benefits as a top-up to your army redundancy payout since 1986.
Am I right? Yeah, but he never asked for it.
Leave it.
None the less, the fact remains And he never asked to leave the army.
The payment was made on a basis you were not fit and able to seek work.
Are you trying to say my brother's a shirker? That means bugger all.
So what? He likes helping people.
Bloody hell.
That was only two days ago.
How much, exactly, has to be paid? £9,871.
You've got three weeks before you have to go to court.
Pay it before then, you won't get charged.
Charged? What with? Fraud! Well, me and your dad could do four grand.
Not just savings.
I just thought we could get him a loan between us, like.
There'll be no loans in this house, my girl.
Your grandmother would turn in her grave.
She's not dead yet, Mam.
That's as maybe.
You and Dad have saved all your life for your savings.
What about your girls' cruise and Dad's Lions trip.
Dai's my son.
Your dad's British bloomin' Lions trip can wait.
He's been planning that as long as I can remember.
Well, a few years more won't matter, then, will it? Look out.
You've gone all deep and meaningful.
What did the bank say, then? The bank says no.
Shit! Right.
Well, let's not panic.
Mam's lending you her savings.
That's four grand.
And I'll have a word with Karl.
He always feels guilty for leaving me, so he's usually good for a few quid.
Stella, I can't.
Yes, you can.
I mean, we'll probably only get half the money, but at least if you show willing they might go easy on you.
Bloody hell, Stell.
It's so humiliating.
Why didn't I see it coming? I'm a waste of bloody space.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
I'm no good to no one.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm an idiot.
A useless idiot! Right.
You're starting to annoy me now.
I'm doing my best for you.
You've got to pull your finger out and all.
Feeling sorry for yourself won't get you nowhere.
And you're gonna have to tell Paula.
No way.
It'll kill her.
Yeah, and it'll kill her if you don't tell her.
Come on, Dai.
Worse things have happened at sea.
Oi! Bathroom's free.
Use it! Em.
Do you know, if you had something and nobody knew about it, well, apart from Little Al, something private that someone had given you Shut up, man! I'm your sister.
Don't talk to me about it! You've got a rash where you shouldn't, go and see the doctor.
Rose, so good of you to join me at the Captain's table tonight.
Why, Captain Smith, shouldn't you be on the bridge? Cos I hear there are icebergs all around us? Not to worry for the Titanic, my dear.
We'll be in New York by morn.
Red? But of course.
Why, Captain Smith, if I didn't know you better, I'd say you were trying to get me drunk.
You're hiding something from me, aren't you? Yes.
This is going to be our last night together.
What? I'm afraid, Rose, I've been lying to you.
The ship has suffered a most catastrophic damage.
She will sink in just five hours.
Is that all? No time? No time for life? For love? For us? Kiss me, Captain.
Kiss me quick.
She's going down, Rose.
She's going down! Not before me, Captain.
Not before me.
Dai? 'Thank you for last night.
It was, as always, beautiful and exciting.
' 'But for reasons I cannot divulge, I'm afraid I have to leave you.
' 'Please don't try and follow me.
' 'I love you.
' 'Dai.
' Dai, man, stop messing around.
I've got a burial at 10! Captain Smith! 'PS.
I'm not messing around.
This isn't a joke or a sex game.
' 'I really have gone.
' 'Butterfly, butterfly.
' Well, all I can say is, what a complete dick.
And shut up with your sobbing, Bobby.
It's not helping nothing.
Yeah, Bobs, go and wash Mr Lang.
Dai'll be back tonight.
You watch.
He gets these funny moods sometimes.
Funny ideas.
And I know it's 10 grand but it's not the end of the world.
No reason to do a runner, like.
What are you on about, 10 grand? That's not the point.
You know what he gets like.
You should've told me last night.
I could've stopped him.
She's right.
You should've said.
Don't say that, Daddy.
Don't tell me.
You've changed your mind.
This is a bit embarrassing.
I know you're not officially my boyfriend, and you might not wanna be, we haven't even kissed Yet.
But I am in a bit of a mess and I need a sort of boyfriend type, like, to help me out.
Well, I'd love to be your "sort of boyfriend type, like".
How can I be of assistance? No, don't worry, Gar.
He's just playing silly buggers, he is.
Yeah, tell him to call me if you see him.
Yeah, tell him I'll tan his arse for him when he gets home.
Dai, come home, love.
Stella's told me about the money.
It's fine.
Now be a good lad and give me a call? We just wanna know you're OK.
Well, we've been all over.
Bus station, train station, taxi rank.
Billy the Pawn Shop thought he saw him yesterday, but it was just Ic Lloyd in a camouflage jacket.
Come off it, Daddy.
Now you're just being melodramatic.
It can't do any harm though, can it? So I think I've got everything.
Just to double check.
It's Kosh with a "K".
What was he wearing, I didn't ask, when you last saw him? A ship's captain's uniform.
I think that should be enough to be going on with for now.
Thank you.
No, not that I know of, Daddy.
But let me get back to you on that.
This isn't, you know, a wind-up, is it? It's not one of your little games? No.
Yes, I heard about him earlier.
It's all over the place.
Gone AWOL.
Absent without leave.
Left base camp.
Headed off on a solo mission.
Grabbed the sack and hit the track.
Caught his tail Yeah, we know what AWOL means, thanks, Yanto, but any idea where he might actually be, though? The mind of an ex-soldier's a complex one, Stell.
Dignity to drive it.
Sometimes we need to walk away from life.
Spend time alone and visit the dark corners of our souls.
Especially a man like Dai, who saw action in the Falklands.
A man who so cruelly had to leave the services after his injury in Northern Ireland.
Having to pull out cos his ankle went changing a tyre in Belfast is no reason to visit the dark corners of anywhere.
Sorry to bring you back from the beaches, but where'd you think he is? Sorry, no idea.
Shall we try somewhere else? Yeah.
Who's this, then? New fancy man? No, he's not.
Does that mean there was an old fancy man? No! Still a handsome fancy man.
Will you stop using the word "fancy man"? He started it.
Good for you, though, love.
Cos, in all fairness, I don't think you've had a bit in years.
Shall we get going? There was that chap from Newport, mind.
The one that made a clucking noise.
Finish your drink.
Clucking noise.
Finish your drink.
Dai, you've got me worried now.
Will you stop being a complete pratt and get your arse back here rapid?! Tsk! Daaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiii!! Dai Davis or Dai Kosh? "And so" "My name is Alan.
" "The road you take is your choice.
" "Do you drive the highway or stay in narrow lanes?" "Do you lead, or are you led?" "It is time to open doors.
" "It is time to step up to the mark.
" "Know what you want.
" "Inhabit the space that is yours.
" "Plan the way ahead.
" "Follow your heart.
" "Form your own destiny.
" It's been days now, Ken.
Not a sausage.
I know, but it's not like he hasn't done it before.
That's not the point.
He's still missing.
I mean, what are the bloody police doing? We should be making an appeal on the Welsh news.
What do we pay our taxes for? Nan, I'm checking the post.
Yes, please, darling.
Hush now.
Act normal.
Here he is! Our little Shane Williams! Big day today! How are you feeling, kid? Nervous? Alright, Ken.
Too much now.
Yeah, but there's the post.
God, look at this? Postmen on strike all over the country, letters get lost every bloomin' day, but if it's a promotion from a supermarket or a reminder from the gas, a sodding monsoon wouldn't stop it landing on your doorstep.
Grandpa, there's another letter here for Luke.
It came Hang on a minute, beaut.
Look at this here.
It's from Dai.
Right, get this down you.
A nice sausage roll.
Has the copper got back to you yet? No.
Alright! Where is she?! There.
Paula, we've been ringing you, love, but you're not answering.
We've had a postcard from Dai.
He's alright.
He's in Brecon.
"Mam, Dad, tell Paula I'm OK, and I'm sorry.
" "I just need some time to clear my head.
" The little shit! What? The little bastard! Bastard! Putting me through all that, and all the time he's having a jolly in Brecon! I'll kill him, I will.
The selfish sod of a shitty bitch! Come on now, love.
This is the drink talking.
God, praise be.
He's alive.
Cos Cos I thought he'd gone, Ken.
I thought he'd been taken from me.
I thought my little Dai had died.
You daft thing! Sorry to interrupt, but the rugby starts in an hour and we've gotta warm up.
Bollocks! It's OK.
You go.
You go! Where's my favourite nephew?! You go and win that rugby game for your Aunty Paula, yeah? Your Aunty Paula is gonna get your Uncle Dai and bring him home, yeah? You're not going nowhere, not in that state.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
That's only a Mam, Dad, you take Ben to rugby.
I'm gonna take Paula to find Dai.
Now don't worry, presh, we'll be back in time for the game.
Just play your best, alright? You can't go to Brecon on your tricycle.
Yes, we can! She can do anything.
She's my best friend! Pipe down a minute, Paula.
Just go.
Come on, love.
I love you.
And eat that sausage roll.
Luke, it's Mam.
How do you fancy driving a hearse? So, when we get to Brecon town centre, you start at the lower end, me and Sean will start at the top.
He won't be in Brecon town centre.
He will be in the Brecon Beacons.
What? That's where he'll be, in our special place, where we do Wuthering Heights.
God! Wuthering Heights? Yeah.
She pretends to be Cathy, Dai pretends to be Heathcliff.
Don't ask.
Oi! It's my favourite nephew.
Where's the keys? Let me at her.
Right, follow that hearse! I bet you've always wanted to say that! Up for it? Yeah.
Got any supporters coming? Don't worry, she'll be here.
- No, I don't mean - H.
Fuckin' 'ell! Nice day for it.
Nice day for it.
Hope you're ready to get the shit kicked out of you, Williams.
Chips? Hey, fancy coming up The Bunn later? Luke says there's a band on.
I can't.
Forget it.
No one can revise that much.
It's not normal.
It's cos I'm fat, isn't it? What? That you keep avoiding me, cos I've gone fat with a baby.
You're gorgeous.
I can't even tell Babe, please.
Piss off, Sunni! I'll stay here, keep an eye.
This place is a paradise for car thieves.
Hey, wait for me! Pentrwg! Pentrwg! They give the Valleys a bad name, don't they? Hey, now, language.
Pentrwg! Pentrwg! Actually, Daddy, I think you might be right.
This is it.
That's good.
Come on, boys! Come on! It's alright.
- One, two, three! - Squeeze! One, two, three! Squeeze! Who are we?! Pentrwg! Who are we?! Pentrwg! Who are we?! Pentrwg! Get off.
Get away.
Dai? Dai?! Heathcliff! My ball! My baaaaaaaaaall! Get up, Little Alan! Cathy! Dai?! Thank God for that! Dai! Dai! Dai I felt such a failure.
I I'm a stupid man sometimes.
Yeah, you are.
You're a total twat! But I adore you.
I am you, Heathcliff.
You're always in my mind.
Not as a pleasure, but as my own being.
Be with me always.
Take any form.
You do the accent.
What? Heathcliff's accent.
Is she serious? Cathy, Cathy, do not lead me into th'abyss where I cannae find ya.
Shall we? Yep.
Go on, Michael! Michael! Come on! I hate mud, cackhead! Find him? Yeah.
They're still, you know Right.
You'll have to wait until they've finished.
I've got to get to this rugby match.
Tackle him, man! Tackle! On his shoulder, on his shoulder! What are you doing, boys?! Touch paws again! Tell me again why they go into a big huddle like that.
No! Focus.
OK, you are doing incredible, boys.
Remember that? Forget it, forget it.
You've got the skill, you've got the pace, you've just got to keep it open, boys.
Believe, yeah? Believe! - Come on! - Come on! Don't worry.
She'll be here.
One try, boys.
One try and it's ours.
We found him! Wuthering Heights.
Of course.
Ben! Ben! Alan? Alan? Can you hear me, love? My God, he's not breathing! I think he needs mouth-to-mouth.
Leave it to me.
You're alright, beaut.
Easy! Easy! Easy! Ungentlemanly conduct! Try disallowed! We'll sort out this money business between us.
Sorry, Mam.
We'll take it all the way.
We'll go to Human Rights if needs be.
She does love a drama, doesn't she? Who does that remind me of? Right, I'll see you at the restaurant then.
For definite.
"And so remember" "My name is Alan.
" "Today has been a good day.
" The way they did them mushrooms.
They were out of this world.
Yeah, you said.
I'd go there again, not that I'm expecting you to pay.
This is lovely.
You've done this up really nice.
I love what you've done with that wall.
That's really nice.
You would do it up nice, being a decorator.
Do you want a lager? Yeah, go on, then.
And the settee's lovely an' all.
Try sitting on it.
Yeah, nice.
And you haven't got a bad view actually, have you? Not that I can see much this time of night.
That's good.
I do love a beer, me.
My dad always says a beer's Stella.
Lager's American.
We say so many things American Stella.
Stop talking.
I know I'm wittering, I am, it's just that I'm not really sure God.
Come on.
Hang on a sec.
Look, Sean, I I haven't really done this, I haven't actually Slept with anyone.
For ages.
Like, really ages.
Well, not since that fella The fella who made the clucking noise.
It wasn't a cluck, it was more of a hiccup.
Anyway, the thing is, I think I may have forgotten how to do it.
In that case, I'm gonna have to remind you, aren't I? You've been busy.
How did you find all this out? It's from your dad.
You, Mrs B, is looking mighty fine.
What is the matter with you? Have you been up all night drinking? No.
I've been up all night shagging.
Can we do it again? Come on, then.
I just don't want him hurting Emma, that's all.
Like my dad did to you? She saw them over by where Ann lives, kissing.
What's he doing here? Get out! I told you, we're finished.
"Please, Luke, just say the word.
We have so much to talk about.
" Michael.
I'm 42 and I'm snogging in the street.