Stella (2012) s01e09 Episode Script

Episode Nine

Why don't I write down how much money I've spent looking after him and send you a bloody invoice.
If you really want to come to Canada then I'll help.
Is she in? The date for Dia's trial has come through.
Hah! Is she still feisty? She's a lot of things, Rob.
Shut your festering gob, you tangerine tart! I'm not tangerine! I don't know what my Alan ever saw in you! Morning.
Oh, dear God! Diet's going well, then! Emma.
Emma, love.
Just leave her.
Fancy a cuppa? Please.
Oh, God! Was it bad last night? Paula? Well, the tangerine tart wasn't very happy.
Tanitia thinks you might have Tourette's.
So does the girl behind the front desk and the manager.
Oh, and you broke the flag on the 18th hole.
Oh, I didn't say nothing to you, did I? Oh, Paula, I am so sorry! I'm such an idiot.
Yes, you are.
Come here.
Oh, go easy now.
We're back! Gonna have a shower.
I'm gonna have a poo.
You look absolutely beautiful.
Here you go, love.
Four sugars.
Good for the shock.
Ta.
Alan, we've known each other for a while now, haven't we.
Have we? So, can I ask you, what kind of women do you usually go for? Apart from me, obviously.
I don't know.
Well, do you normally go for a glamorous type? Like Nadine for example? Nadine? Or do you go for more vulnerable people with issues? Say with alcohol.
Like Stella perhaps.
How about Stella? What do you think of Stella? Have I done something wrong? Is it the loo seat again? Sorry, love, I can get a bit deep sometimes.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, not through his brain.
And talking of stomachs, I think we should invite some people out for dinner.
A sort of celebration thing.
A celebration of what? Of us! You big 'nana! This Wednesday will be our one month anniversary.
And I want to show you off to the world.
Are you paying? Mmm! Are you gonna talk to her? In a bit, yeah.
Don't leave it too long, eh? I know you didn't mean it and you were pissed.
I meant some of it.
Rob aside, it's a great chance for Luke.
It's easy for you to say, you ain't got kids.
Oh, God! Now I feel guilty about you and all.
Thanks a lot.
Emma, love.
I'm really sorry for ruining your hen.
It's alright.
I was way out of order.
Maybe we could go out tonight and I could treat you to a curry or something.
I've gotta revise.
Tomorrow night? There's not much room for a curry in here.
Don't have to be a curry.
Mum, I said it's fine.
Don't look at me, I haven't got kids.
Your Honour, 30 years ago, I swore an oath.
Your jacket needs ironing an' all.
Don't know if you can.
What does the label say? It's the army not Primark.
Don't have labels.
to protect Queen and country from the forces of evil.
Forces of evil.
You've got two more days, love.
You'll be alright.
I know, but I just wanna have everything just right! I want to stand in that courtroom and look them in the eye when I say it.
Show them who they're dealing with.
You think I should go and check on Stella? Brotherly love and all that.
Nah, don't worry, she'll live.
Aye, but I know how these things can escalate.
I could be like the UN.
What, put on your big blue helmet? Only if you were bad.
Leave her.
She just needs a bit of space and a stomach pump.
Don't worry about thank your speech, just tell them about your ankles.
Swell up like onions every night.
You're not a scrounger, you're a bloody hero.
Bird watching is it? Something like that.
Your great-grandpa used to keep homing pigeons.
Kept getting lost.
The pigeons, not him.
You're definitely going then? Yeah.
I'll bloody miss you, Luke.
I'll bloody miss you an' all.
Fancy a bacon buttie? Yeah, go on.
Don't even think about it, Douie Edwards.
So, you gonna look after my boy.
Of course.
That wasn't a question.
You got a proper job for him? Sorry, was that a question? Stella, sit down for God's sake, will you.
No, I'm fine here.
Tea? I'm not staying.
Tea? Actually, I'll have coffee.
So have you got a proper job for him? Yes.
A proper job in construction.
You're a builder? Well, I own a building firm.
Are you going to sit down? This is doing my neck in.
Alright, then.
Coffee? Thank you.
Thank you.
Coffee? Actually, you can leave the coffee pot.
Thank you.
So, how come you're a builder? You always wanted to be a photographer.
Well, you wanted to be a nurse.
People change.
So, what about work permits and visas and stuff like that? I'll take care of it.
Money and - I'll take care of it! Look, this is a great chance for him.
The last thing I want to do is break up your family.
I can cancel it He'd never speak to me again.
He won't know it's you, I'd make something up.
Contract's fallen through or whatever.
No, there's no need to do that.
You better bloody look after him that's all.
Croissant? So, I've tried to do boy, girl, boy, girl.
So it goes.
You, me, Karl, Stella, Sean, Nadine.
What d'you reckon? Aye, alright.
We could go.
You, me, Sean, Nadine, Karl, Stella.
No, no, no.
No, I think it should go.
Me, you, Nadine, Karl, Stella, Sean.
Whatever you think.
Look,, do I really have to try this on now? The three Ps, Alan.
Preparation, preparation, preparation.
I want everything to be perfect tonight.
Why? Do you want me to get you a bigger collar size.
Yeah.
I'll put into on my list.
I'm on my way.
So Never seen him like this before.
He never sweats! Did a tantric in a sauna once, dry as a bone he was.
Like a cuttlefish.
Rumpole of the Bailey.
Yeah.
It's nothing like Bonanza! Mr David Cosh, please.
Oh, sorry I'm late.
There's nowhere to park! Where's Meg? Refused to come.
Couldn't get her out of the house.
She must be a wreck, Ken.
Grandson going to Canada, son going to prison.
Bobby! My husband is not going to prison! Thank you very much! Of course he's not.
At least you can visit once a week in prison, how often can you go to Canada? Who wants a mint? Do you know how many murders there were in Canada last year? Right.
OK.
I was reading about this couple from Bradford, right, they was on holiday in Vancouver and they got mugged and killed.
Well, not killed, but they was mugged.
It's like a war zone or something.
That's the right change.
You are gonna break a lot of hearts one day, Jasminder Choudary.
You mean like yours? Nah, much better hearts than mine.
Is that straight? Kind of.
Bollocks! Knock, knock! Dad, what you doing? Mind out, love.
This is bloody heavy.
Right, close your eyes.
Both of you.
Ready? Ta-da! What is it? A zebracorn.
Covers all the bases.
Zebra, boy.
Unicorn, girl.
Magical, in't it? I had the idea on the stag, like.
Ooh! And who's this riding the zebracorn? "Hola, Mama!" It says, "Hello, Mummy," in 12 different languages.
- Educational, like.
- "Shalom, Ima.
" - I don't know what that one is.
- Nor that one.
"Hello, Mummy.
" That's English! And I've got an idea for the baby's room.
I'm gonna do a massive muriel.
Do you wanna see the plans? Eh? All rise.
Where's the wigs? Where's the gowns? Exactly, Daddy.
We pay our taxes.
Shhh! Mr Cosh.
to protect Queen and country - Mr Cosh? Yes? Are you the litigant in person? Do you have a solicitor? No, I speak for myself, Your Ladyship.
Very well.
30 years ago - No, no, no.
Not yet.
The prosecution will speak first.
Thank you, ma'am.
The Department of Work and Pensions on behalf of her Majesty's government would like to present evidence to you today that clearly shows beyond all reasonable doubt under the Pensions and Benefits Act subsection 3, paragraph 27A, and also under the Fraud Act of 1994 And that, Your Worships, concludes the evidence for the prosecution.
Thank you for that detailed and thorough presentation.
Although I note you haven't presented any medical evidence.
Ma'am, as stated there are photographs and witness statements saying that Mr Cosh was seen engaging in strenuous activity.
These were anonymous witness statements? - Bloody peeping-toms.
- Hmm.
Yes.
You are aware, are you not, that the court has seen doctor's certificates which verify Mr Cosh's medical condition.
Yes.
As I stated earlier Do you have any evidence to present which contradicts the doctor's opinion? Not not really.
Nothing at all? No.
Very well.
There is no case to answer here.
Mr Cosh, you are free to go.
Yeah! What about an apology? I'm owed an apology.
I'm sure a letter will be forthcoming.
Letter? No, I want an apology now.
He's had his say, I want mine now.
to protect Queen and country from the forces - Hey! I'm not done with you yet, sonny! Mr Cosh, I would remind you that you are still in court.
Get back here, you little shite! Mr Cosh, please refrain or I will find you in contempt.
you leave me no choice - That is a £50 fine.
Are you mental? £100! Leave it, you silly sod! Dai! I've sweated over this for months! He never sweats.
This is a miscarriage of justice! A bloody disgrace! £150! You got off with it, you daft bastard! Silence! Don't you shout at her! Madam, I will find you in contempt as well.
Why don't you just 300 quid! Don't tell your mum.
A bloody travesty.
It's like when Wagner was kicked off the X Factor.
Hmm.
- We'll not see his like again.
- No.
Well, I think you deserve the Victoria Cross.
Victoria Cross? Yeah.
I'll be Victoria and I'll be very, very cross.
"Ciao, Mama!" That is brilliant! It's not funny.
You should see the thing he's made, a stripey horse with a spike on it.
Take your eye out it would.
And he wants to paint the baby's room now.
Can't you just say no? He acts all tough, but he cries like a girl when you stand up to him.
Once he bought me a ceramic robin for Christmas, he was in floods when I took it back.
Can you have words, Mum? Ah, no.
Don't make me have that conversation.
Mum, I'd really like it if you spoke to him.
Alright! I'll talk to him at the restaurant.
Thank you.
Sorry.
Don't take this the wrong way, but how did you end up with Karl? I won him in a funfair.
They'd run out of goldfish.
Oh, I don't know, he's well-meaning, I suppose.
There's a lot of bad 'uns round here, he's not one of them.
Anyway, I'm with you now, making up for lost time.
You're only saying that to get me into bed.
Probably.
I booked the holiday.
Where we going?! Canada.
No, come on, give us a clue.
No.
What if I don't like it.
You can book next year.
Next year.
Hmm.
You're very sure of yourself.
Hmm! Alright.
What are you doing here? Luke invited me round.
We're gonna have a few beers and maybe a takeaway.
What, in my house?! He never said.
Is that a problem? Actually, no.
No.
Why should it be? See you.
See ya.
Did Emma tell you about the zebracorn? - Yeah.
- And when I paint the baby's room, I'm gonna turn the back wall into a massive muriel.
Gonna be stunning.
Yeah, the thing is, it might make more sense if Sean decorated the baby's room.
You're joking me? With him being a professional decorator Whoa.
Emma won't like that one bit, will she? She'll go holistic! It was her idea to be honest.
Sorry.
What?! I'll do a good job, I promise.
It was only gonna be a simple little muriel with badgers and helicopters and that.
And them things with pointy ears.
Elves? Pixies! Sorry, mate.
You might know how to hold a paint brush and gloss a window frame, but I bet you can't write poems like Karl.
Karl writes poetry? Go on, babes, read to them.
I've done one for Emma, like.
Stunning it is.
Oh, God! "My little girl had a little curl, a curl as bright as copper.
" "A curl that curled around her head would bounce on her space hopper.
" Ah.
Brilliant! "Then one day my girl grew up.
" "She'd outgrown all her jumpers, she had a baby and a bloke and I'd become a grandpa.
" See, told ya.
Stunning.
Don't forget, it's our treat, so you can have what you want.
It's Nancy's treat, actually.
We'll have a bottle of bubbly each then.
Oh, go on! Oh, you are wonderful! Just to be clear there will be a separate bill for drinks.
These are very fancy, Nancy.
Did you write them yourself? I once did a calligraphy course at a refuge for battered women.
I wasn't battered meself, but they'd rented out the room on a Wednesday.
It all looks very lovely.
You have to make the effort, don't you.
And I do think it's very important these days that a lady knows how to act like a lady.
Do you mind if we swap? I can hardly breathe.
But then we won't be boy, girl, boy, girl.
I need to stretch my leg.
If you want out.
Cheers.
Don't make a fuss, Alan.
We'll ask them to move the table out.
I'll just sit next to Stella.
Alan! Please! Sit.
If only Karl took as much notice of me, I'd be a happy woman.
What? You're always saying, "Take no notice of him.
" When you're acting silly buggers.
Ah! Take no notice of him.
She! Some tea, Mr You were married to him! Concentrate on your finger or the heavenly glory.
Ah-ha! Stop staring at it and get on with it! How long can you make a visa form?! It's like exams all over again.
You never took any exams.
Shut it, you.
I'll give you a tenner if you do it for me.
Come on.
Tony's brother used to take people's GCSEs for 'em for a fiver and a tube of Smarties.
Shh, Ben! He's dead thick, mind.
Got sent down last week for holding up a newsagents with a water pistol.
The owner tried to grab him, he panicked, sprayed him with water.
What'd he get? Wet.
What? It's funny.
That's not funny.
This is funny.
Pull my finger.
Do not pull his finger.
Shut up! You'll ruin it! Oh, this is impossible! Who cares about stupid glaciers?! If I go for a job they won't ask me to name three types of glac-cial erosion.
Glacial Depends where the job is.
I mean, if it's on a glacier Anyway, I don't care, I love whatever happens.
Ohh.
What do you mean, "whatever happens"? Well, you know, Oh, my God! You think I'll fail them all, don't you? That's not what I meant, babe.
I meant whether you get nine GCSEs or none - None?! It won't affect the important things.
Like me and you.
I'll take care of you.
You're my girl.
Mmm.
I will pass at least one though, won't I? Of course you will.
Probably more than one.
Definitely.
I'm not having sex with you, Sunny.
You'll annoy the baby.
A Lazy Susan? Yes.
Who was she then, this Susan girl? I don't know.
Can I go now? A Lazy Susan? Yeah.
To be fair, Nadine, that's what the last waiter told you as well.
I know that.
Thought he was trying to make me look thick, that's all.
Can I have your attention, please.
Firstly, thank you for coming.
I suppose you're all wondering why I've invited you here tonight.
- Food? - Babes! Well, how do I put this? Well, the truth is I've a bit of an announcement to make.
Here we go.
I just wanted to say I'm pregnant.
Your faces! Aye, you got me there.
What I really wanted to say No, what I really wanted to say was this.
Dear God! Alan.
What? My dear, Alan.
Will you marry me? No.
You had us going for a minute there! My God! Oh! Bloody hell! He said yes! Bring it! You had me going then.
Come here you! Come on! Come on! Oh, God! Go on! Go on! Waterfalls! Waterfalls! Here he is! Stunning news! Well done, mate.
I'm divorced and that, but marriage, well, it's a scared institution, innit.
It's like the marines or Blue Peter.
Yeah.
Congratulations again, mate.
Well, I say sacred, it didn't work out for you first time with Melissa, but second time lucky, eh? I reckon you and Nancy, till death do us part.
You'll be together for ever.
Longer even.
Anyway, put it there, mate.
In a minute.
Aye.
In a minute.
I'll be a minute.
Alright.
Stella, love, I know tonight might have come as a bit of a surprise.
Well, for everyone to be fair.
But I don't want you to think we can't still be friends.
I know you and Alan have got a special friendship.
But I don't want our marriage to change that.
Of course it won't.
I want us all to get along.
Of course.
Even though Alan is mine.
Because he said yes.
Right.
Thanks, love.
I knew you'd understand.
Oh! Can I just say, you're done very well tonight.
And if you ever want to share, I'm here for you.
Because an addict's mind can be a very powerful thing.
Nancy, I have no idea what you're talking about.
One step at a time, eh? Oh! What do you do with cardboard? Is there ketchup in there? Yeah.
Put it on the floor for Banjo.
Banjo! Come on, boy.
There you go! Good boy.
Who's this? Luke.
A right minger, weren't he.
Sorry, George Clooney.
Grandpa said he looked like Jimmy Savile.
Whoever that is.
Right, come here! Now then.
You're blocking the telly! Pull my finger! No! Not the finger! I'm watching this! Move! Ah, no! Move your arses! Take it back! No! Take it back! Ah! Lovely, in't they.
Mandarin butterfly fish.
They swim 3,000 miles to find a mate.
Then they do their stuff and she eats him.
Alan, you know you don't have to do this, don't you? If you're not sure, you've just got to let her know.
Just say something like, "Nancy, I'm sorry, you're a good person, a kind person, but I just don't love you.
" That's if you really don't love her.
You're not happy, are you? Poor old thing.
Come on, you, let's get you home.
Oh, I know what he's like after rich food.
The women's toilets are like a bamboo palace.
I could have been weeks in there! Nancy, Yes, love Nancy, I'm sorry, but You're a nice person.
A kind person.
But I can't marry you.
I just don't love you, see.
Nancy.
Yes, love? You're a nice person.
Ah! Oh, that's lovely! Ah, and so are you.
Mmm! If only you had hair, I'd ruffle it.
I'll ruffle it anyway.
Ohh! Ohh! Have you got the munchies or something? I can't get enough.
I was talking about the breakfast.
I would do you some bacon only hollow legs has scoffed the lot.
It's alright, I'm not hungry.
Last exam today.
Geography.
What's the capital of Germany? It's not them kind of questions.
Anyway, whatever they are, you are gonna do great.
Did you speak to Dad.
Yes, I did.
All sorted.
Sean's gonna decorate the baby's room.
And no muriels? Your father's going nowhere near a paintbrush.
Well, that's something.
Thanks, Mum.
Well, I best be off.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
Oh, and it's Brussels by the way, the capital of Germany.
See.
Right.
What are you up to today? That Swansea job.
You? Walking the dog.
Glamorous life, in't it.
Hmm.
I love you.
And I love you.
You wanna knock that on the head.
It keeps me off the crack cocaine.
Had a good night last night my lot.
They're lovely kids, Stel.
Thanks.
Oh, go on, give us a drag.
You can have a whole one.
No, if I smoke other people's they don't count Oh, I love it up here.
Me and Banjo come up here every day, don't we, Banj? Here, remember this? "Sam is a slag.
" Yep, that's the one I meant, obviously.
That'll be Samantha Mannion.
Huw Mannion's big sister.
Not so big no more, she had a gastric band fitted.
Yeah.
Ah! A lot's happened since then, hasn't it.
Luke said you was married.
Yeah, I was for a bit.
To Hannah.
She was a corporate realtor.
It's like a posh estate agent.
We were together for five years.
We had the works, big house, two cars.
Under-floor heating in the bathroom.
Nice.
Then one morning at breakfast she says, "I don't think you make me happy any more.
" Like it was something we could fix.
Like she'd said, "I don't like the curtains in the bedroom.
" Two weeks later we sat in a lawyer's office discussing who gets the air miles.
It was alls surprisingly straightforward to be honest.
Straightforward? Yeah, you know, amicable.
Not exactly Heartbreak Hotel then.
Well, it wasn't the happiest time of my life.
If you'd had your heart broken, you'd know it.
I forgot, you're an expert.
I bloody well am.
Here we go.
What? No, go on, say it.
It's just, I thought we'd done this.
But you just can't let it go, can ya.
How do you always manage to turn yourself into the victim? Bloody hell.
The irony of that statement.
What?! Emma.
Oh, my God! Right.
Stay there.
Don't move.
I'll be there now.
Where's your car? Where's your fucking car?! Emma! Emma! No running! Oh, up your arse! Emma! Emma! Oh! It's alright, Mum.
Probably just twinges.
When my younger sister had her first, she thought it was twinges.
Ten minutes later she's lying on the youth club floor with my nephew's head sticking out of her jojo.
Shut up, Ami! Right, where's your stuff? We'll go straight to hospital.
No.
I'm finishing my exam.
No, you're bloody not.
That's what I said.
I said she was mental, but she said it was me that was mental cos of what I did for Comic Relief.
It's only an hour.
I made you a promise.
I don't care about your stupid promise.
Well, I do.
Where's Sunny? He'll talk some sense into you.
He's doing an exam.
Mum, I'll be fine.
Honest.
Ohh! OK, I'll meet him here.
OK.
Where is she? What's she doing in there?! Sean, it's me.
Call me the minute you get this.
Emma's in labour.
And put down your pencils and stop writing.
Mum! Alright, darling.
It's alright.
Rob! See if you can stand up.
Ohh! I can see the head.
Next time, push as hard as you can, alright? Did you hear what she said, love? This is just amazing! It feels like being on one of them things in a funfair, you know.
Like a A big wheel.
A waltzer.
That's it.
You ever been to a funfair, Rob? Erm yeah.
They're just shite, aren't they? Apart from the big wheel and the toffee apples.
The toffee apples look nice, but you cut your lip on them.
I love you, Rob! I love you too.
I don't love you, I like you, but Mum loves you I can tell.
Argh! God! I need a poo! Alright, get ready for a big push! Wait! I can't! I can't! Yes, you can, presh! No! I want Sunny here! He's on his way, love.
I'm not giving birth without Sunny! I don't think you have much choice, babes.
He's beautiful.
I know, coochie.
Beautifully coochie.
Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Say hello to your little boy.
He's beautiful.
Here.
Put your arm round there.
That's it.
Hold him in there.
That's it.
Bloody hell! I'm a dad! I'm a dad.
Here we are then.
Yeah.
There we are.
Bloody hell! I bet when you were tucking into your breakfast, you didn't think you're end up in the maternity ward.
What Sunil's doing, I never did that, did I? I never held Luke.
No.
Did you call out for me like that? Nope.
Yeah.
I should have been there.
Yeah, you should.
You're here now though, aren't you? Yeah.
Stella? Oh, Stella! Stella! I dunno why I just did that.
I really don't know why I did that! Maybe we should go somewhere and I feel relived that in three days you'll be out of my life again, hopefully for good.
Don't get me going, you dirty dog.
She's not bad, you know.
She's not you.
What do you want, Stella?! I must be off my tree to risk losing you like that.
You're already lost me.
This is Steven.
Hiya.
Why can't we come to Canada? I hate living here.
If you truly loved me, you wouldn't have waited 25 years to come back.