Stella (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

Episode Eight

A "Grease The Musical" themed weekend in Weston-super-Mare.
I'm really grateful to you and Jagadeesh for giving Luke a job.
To you want to dance Oop! Nancy Crook.
I'm Alan's friend.
Although, we are hoping it might become something more substantial.
Are we? If you're really sorry for what you did, if you wanna sort it out, then tell 'em, face to face.
Hello, Stella.
Luke, this is your dad.
Rob, this is your son.
Then you know that, don't you? Cos you've been having secret meetings behind my back.
You haven't seen a blue tabard anywhere? What's a tabard? It's like a tank top for dinner ladies.
I'll get it.
You couldn't give me a hand, could you? Can it wait till I've finished? I get heartburn if I stop halfway through.
It's Nadine.
Morning, ladies.
How are we all today? I just wanted to pop in and get the money for Emma's hen.
Dad's paying for me.
Is he? Yeah.
Can I give it to you on the weekend? I'm running late.
Ohh! It's a stunning place we're going, Em.
Four stars it is.
Was five, but they turfed over the helipad.
Sounds amazing.
So, Friday night was quite eventful.
There you go.
And I heard your Luke's been camping out at the Belmont ever since, with his dad, like.
I gotta get on.
God, I felt for you, mind.
Seeing Rob Morgan after all them years.
Cos he's a good-looking fella, isn't he? Aged well.
But, then, men age so much better than women, don't they? Do they? You and Karl look about the same.
It do help to lash out sometimes, doesn't it? So long! You look like shite.
It's cos you snore like a bastard.
Oh, very nice.
Buy someone dinner, take them to a five-star hotel, lend them a shirt, and all they do is complain.
I could ask again about another room.
Someone might've checked out.
Or you could go and see if your mother's calmed down.
And what is it you're meant to be? T-Birds, is it? Yeah.
What do you reckon? Well, it's, you know, accurate.
Thanks, Stel.
Cost a bloody arm and leg, these did.
Still, worth it, is it? Definitely.
Where do you want these then? Ah, dump 'em anywhere.
I'll sort it out later.
Only me.
Oh, what's all this, then? It's for Sunil's stag this weekend.
We're going dressed as characters from "Grease".
It's Jag's favourite film.
Oh, he's a proper little John Travolta, isn't he? Ohh.
Morning, Stella.
Oh, actually, I'm glad you're here.
I've been meaning to ask.
When is the hen? Same time as the stag.
What, this weekend? Oh, why didn't you say? Well, it's Nadine that's been organising it.
Oh, I'll make one of my themed cakes.
A hen cake.
A cake shaped like a hen.
I don't know if they're gonna invite I wonder if anyone's got a nut allergy? I don't care if Bob The cocking Builder is on.
You're coming to your nan's, and that's fucking final! Whoa! You bloody idiot! Are you blind or something?! It was a joke, alright? At your birthday? My outfit? It were meant to be ironic, like.
I know you was wondering why I wore it.
No, not really.
I just wanted to tell you it was a joke, right? To see you didn't make a big thing of it.
And I meant to fall over an' all.
For a laugh.
Are you sure you don't want me to help? I said I'm fine.
What's with the laundry? It's not laundry, it's ironing.
What's with the ironing? Executive ironing for executives, and that is an executive tabard.
It's what I do, alright? I run my own business.
Is that alright with you, Lord Sugar? You never used to smoke.
You never used to ride a tricycle.
Piss off.
So what happens now, then? Are we meant to exchange insurance details? I don't know.
Haven't got a bloody clue, love.
Haven't you got things to get back for? Like work? Or people? I run my own business as well, so it's not a problem.
Maybe I could do things for Luke while I'm over here.
Help him out.
What makes you think he needs help? I didn't say that.
He doesn't need help.
It's not an insult.
I'm just saying.
How exactly would you help him? Give him money, is it? "Sorry I wasn't here when you were teething.
Here's a tenner.
" "I missed your school play.
20 quid.
" You've still got your temper.
And the ability to talk over everyone.
Why don't I write down how much money I've spent over the years looking after him, and send you a bloody invoice?! At least you saved a few quid when he was in prison, eh? Alright.
You know, I was just thinking about a friend of mine.
He used to work in a factory in Swansea.
Anyway, on his way home, on the day he had been laid off, in fact, Terry crashed into an ice-cream van.
And he got talking to the ice-cream seller, and it turned out the guy had a whole fleet of vans.
And now my friend Terry drives one of those vans.
So in the end it all worked out for the best, even though he had just been laid off.
Are you laying me off, Jag? I'm really sorry.
Ah, don't worry about it.
You've been good to me, like.
Well, sometimes, these things happen for a reason.
You never know, the next person through that door could change your life forever.
Hello, love.
A dozen eggs and a tin of tip top, please.
By the cat food.
Thanking you.
He's been working the night van since I were a kid.
Probably the same fish.
What was it like round here in them days? Exactly the same.
Ah, something must've changed.
They've got plastic bins now.
It used to be metal.
Me and Gary Evans used to set fire to the lids and cook hotdogs on them.
He loves the cocking cheese, Rob! Hates the cocking burger but loves the cocking cheese! I see you're back.
Come on, then.
Come on, then.
Talking about things that never change, she was the first girl in our year to get caught shoplifting.
She nicked a bottle of nail varnish and a support sock.
The school expelled her but she weren't bothered, cos she was going out with Trevor Mackay at the time.
He drove a Kawasaki 125, and he could spit onto the roof of the bus shelter.
What more could a girl ask for, eh? Right, come on in, you lad.
Come on.
Better get this lot home.
They'll be needing a nap.
All that saturated fat.
It's like the Mafia, this place.
You're in it for life.
Some people like it like that, I suppose.
Fancy a beer tonight? Alright.
You're buying.
God, this really is the same fish.
Hey, babe, give us your hand.
Total life-saver.
How's your day going? Ah, don't ask.
Some dozy dickhead cut me up.
I'm alright, though.
Are you sure? Yeah.
How's everything else? Yeah, fine.
Listen, babes, I'm sorry I've not been myself lately.
But things will get back on track soon, I promise.
Well, after Emma's wedding, I'm gonna take you away somewhere dead romantic.
Ohh! And shag you senseless.
Easy now.
We're not far from a school.
I'm serious, though.
Are you up for it? I'm always up for it, presh.
I'm a Pontyberry girl.
You don't look much like Kenickie.
How many times, woman? I'm not going as Kenickie anymore.
I'm going as Leo, leader of the Scorpion gang who raced Danny at Thunder Road.
Sunil, put your outfit on.
We'll have a photo.
Just give me a minute to do my makeup.
Leo had pockmarked skin.
Dad! I don't want to do the "Grease" thing.
What? I want to do something else.
Darren Wilson's brother went to Amsterdam.
You're not going there.
He caught scabies off a prostitute's dog.
It's a bit late in the day to change your mind.
I never wanted to do it in the first place.
I were being nice.
I don't even like the bloody film.
Oh! Bloody isn't swearing! Look, I just want a normal stag do.
Maybe we can go to Amsterdam dressed as the T-Birds? Nobody's going to Amsterdam.
A packet of triple A's, please.
Amsterdam! If you want a good stag do, Sunil, I'll give you a good one.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
You leave it to your Uncle Dai.
I'll give you a stag do that you'll never forget.
I'll take you places that'll make your grandchildren's hair grey.
That's very kind of you Nice one, Dai.
Emma! Alright? Where did you get that shirt? It's Rob's.
I've just come to pick up a couple of things.
I could stop for a cup of tea, if you want? It's up to you.
Only if you want me to.
Mam Oh, give me a cooch.
Very posh.
French, apparently.
I'll put the kettle on.
How is work? Ah, not great.
I got laid off.
You're joking? There was no job for me there, to be honest.
Jag was just doing me a favour.
Right, we'll just have to find you something else.
They're always looking for people at the garage.
I'll tell you what.
How about I make you a nice shepherd's pie? I've already That'll be lovely.
You've already eaten.
Rob bought me fish and chips.
Did he? I just wanna get to know him a bit, Mam.
That's all.
Who knows? He might be a right dick! Wakey-wakey.
Mmm Special day today.
You just don't look like the type to go camping, that's all.
I know.
I mean, where exactly is he taking you? Dunno.
Brecon Beacons.
At least you'll be safe with Uncle Dai.
He were in the army.
The army kills people.
Oh, come here, babe.
Better than going to some manky lap-dancing club, innit? I suppose.
Or Amsterdam.
Imagine if you was going to Amsterdam? I know.
That'd be awful.
I hate us spending the night apart.
Me, too, babe.
I get so lonely in bed on my own.
Maybe we could have one of our special phone calls later.
I will ring you, 2200 hours.
Make sure your knife is out of its sheath.
Hey! Hello, boys.
Alright, Dai? Alright.
Just because it's a stag night, doesn't mean you can drink.
Mam! If you do, I will find out.
Mam, how many times? Just watch him, will you? I will.
Come on, you lot.
Stop your grinning and grab your linen.
See this? What are you doing? You told me we were going as people from "Grease".
What's he doing here? Sunil said it was OK.
And you're alright with that, are you? Why wouldn't I be? Alright.
Come on.
On the bus.
Kissing in public.
Gross! Oh, that's class, that is.
It's a bit of alright, innit? I have to say, I was expecting something a little bit more economy class.
Four stars it is.
It was five, but they turfed over the helipad.
Race you to the pool, ladies! There's not going to be a room for her.
They're fully booked this weekend.
She's just gonna have to share.
Can't you share with her? You've got more in common, like your age.
Ooh, if you need any help rubbing that in, I've got magic hands.
Just ask Alan's feet.
This is far enough, innit, Dai? Aye.
Hey, boys, listen up.
There's something I wanna say.
You forgot the stripper! Right, we're all here for a laugh and a joke.
But let's not forget where we are.
These hills will kill us.
You could die of exposure, you could drown in a river.
You could fall down a hill and break your neck.
There are marshy bogs, impossible to see, which could swallow you up, so you die in slow, suffocating agony.
I saw that happen once.
Poor lad.
He had a wife and two young 'uns.
She tried to say something at the funeral, but she broke down.
She just hugged those little kiddies so tight, so very tight.
Anyway, just something to think about.
Right, let's get this party started.
The ground's too soft over there.
The pegs won't grip.
Seems alright to me.
You know in Canada, right? Do you get bears coming into the garden and that? They've been known to go through people's rubbish.
Are you serious? This bloke told me once that if a black bear comes at you, you've gotta stand your ground, look him straight in the eye and scream as loud as you can.
It scares them off, apparently.
Mind you, he's dead now, the bloke.
What, did he get eaten by a bear? No.
He was knocked down by a lorry.
Driven by a bear.
You should come over sometime.
See what it's like for yourself.
You'll be lucky.
I'm skint.
I'll buy you a ticket.
You can stop with me.
Rob's on the stag.
Can you believe Rob has gone on the stag? There's no need to dwell on it, eh? Let's just have a nice weekend.
Ohh! Bastard! I'm not dwelling on it.
I'm just Yes! Emow! I'm just saying, that's all! - It's just the sort of thing - Ow! Now I've, basically, tidied up your basic va-jojo.
I've left you with a landing strip.
You're sure you don't want to get rid of the whole lot? What, and have nothing down there at all? It's a bit weird, innit? It's all the rage these days, my love.
No one likes a hairy Mary.
Or you could do something like this.
How did you get it that shape? It's Dai.
He's got a book on topiary.
Spends hours down there sometimes.
Is this gonna be about Rob? No.
It's Emma's hen.
Can we just have a laugh, and leave all that other stuff behind? Yeah, you're right.
Is that a panda? No.
It's a swan.
The key to surviving out here is patience.
We wait, like the hawk, until we pounce! Er As I said, patience.
Right, away you go, lads.
Dai, I've left my wellies in the minibus.
Go barefoot then.
I get these terrible chilblains.
Sunil! Sunil, soft wrists.
Remember? Flick from the elbow.
Jag, where did you get that from?! Argos! Dai! How do I get back to camp again? Follow the path.
Lee! Lee! Flick, stab.
Flick, stab.
Yeah? That's it, John! Perfect! Whoo-hoo! I think he just kicked! Ohh! That's lovely, that is.
Ahh! Oh, if I was rich I would do this every week.
Luke told me Rob's loaded.
He runs his own company and everything.
Yeah, well, there's more to life than money.
How much do you reckon he makes? I don't know.
I've never really thought about it.
Luke says he's got a massive house.
He showed him some photos.
Yeah, well, this is your day, not Rob's.
So let's just have a nice weekend and put all that stuff behind us.
When you say a massive house Dai says can you hurry up.
He wants to light the fire.
That's funny.
I don't remember him being so strict.
I take it you don't wanna kill me anymore, then? I didn't say I wanted to kill you, I just said I might have to.
When are you heading back? When I've got enough wood, I guess.
To Canada? Oh, everyone's favourite question.
Well, I'm not altogether sure.
Won't your family, or whatever, be missing you? I'm not married.
Have you been seeing each other long? You and Stella? Three months.
She seems very happy.
We are.
She was always very feisty at school.
Is she still feisty? She's a lot of things, Rob.
Probably got enough there, don't you think? Yeah.
Get that fire started, shall we? Ooh.
Alan could do with a session on one of these.
Oh, he gets very stressed after his lollipopping.
Cake? No, I'm fine, thanks.
Oh, you know, I count my lucky stars every day that I'm with Alan.
I do wonder, though.
Why wasn't he snapped up before? I did ask him why he was single for so long.
Do you know what he said? No.
He said he was saving himself for the right woman.
Who was saving himself? Alan.
He's been sniffing around you for years, hasn't he, Stel? No, don't be daft! He has been.
Alan has always held a candle for you.
Well, more of a blow torch than a candle, Karl said.
Actually, Nancy, I will have some of this cake.
He must've asked you out about, what, 10 times? Oh, shut up, Nadine.
Maybe more.
Imagine that.
Asking someone out 10 times.
He must be determined.
You must give me the recipe for it sometime.
Ooh, stunning this is, mind.
I don't mind cooking.
I've got a great recipe for fish.
Curry, is it? Gal, I don't only eat curry, you know? Although, as it happens, it is a curry recipe, yes.
When you first moved out to Canada, how was it? I was only 17.
I can't remember it that well.
I mean, did it take you long to get used to it? A bit, I suppose.
I wouldn't live anywhere else now.
Cos I've been thinking.
I wouldn't mind giving it a go out there.
I've got nothing to lose.
There's sod all going on for me here.
If I could stay with you for a bit, just till I set myself up.
I'll get my own place once I had the cash.
It's not that.
It's just Coming over on holiday, that's one thing, but moving out there, that's You did it.
Yeah, but I was with my parents.
But you're my parent, aren't you? OK.
Alright, boys! See anything you like? Luke "The hoop should be laid out as per the diagram on Page 7.
" "The central peg should be hammered in securely before play can begin.
" I think that's done it, Nance.
Right, lads, who knows the best way to cook a fish in the wild? Little Alan.
Where's my dad? "Relaxation and control.
" "Chapter Three.
" Alan! Al! I got this from NASA.
Well, not actually from NASA.
From the outdoor pursuit shop in Newport.
They use these on the space shuttle, apparently.
Keeps soup hot at zero gravity.
In a row.
Dad, how much does all this stuff cost? It doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters is you are having a good time.
You are having a good time, aren't you, son? Yeah.
Have you told Mum how much? I'm not a bloody idiot.
Right, we're sorted.
We wanna go left.
Scary to think he's in charge.
Is it? "Take another deep breath in, and say to yourself - "My name is Alan.
" "And I am in control.
I can achieve anything, because all I have to do is breathe.
" "And believe.
" "Breathe.
" Argh! "And believe.
" "Breathe and believe.
" "You know that whatever stands in your way, you have the power to conquer it.
" Ohh! Oh! Alan! Al! Dad! Alan! OK, lads, gather round.
We've had a slight change of plan.
We best split into pairs now and spread out more.
Give us a better chance.
So choose a partner and buckle up.
Alan! Al! Dad! Alan! Dad! What it is, it all comes down to sex in the end.
If it's not going on in the bedroom, then you're knackered.
You would say that.
I heard that once you get married, you don't hardly do it no more.
Me and your Uncle Dai have done it six times a week since 1987, and there's still no sign of a let-up.
Secret of a strong marriage, that.
Actually, the secret of a good marriage is communication, - patience and friendship.
- Ahh! Where did you get that from? Your religion, is it? No.
"Loose Women".
Ah, you're all talking wank.
There's no secret, presh.
You've just got to make it up as you go along.
Shame that theory didn't work for you, Stella.
Oh, look out.
What? What she means is, you're divorced, aren't you? So, you know Oh, and when are you getting married to my ex-husband? Oh, no, I forgot.
He hasn't asked you, has he? More wine, ladies? Al! Luke, about earlier.
Don't worry about it.
It was a stupid idea.
Forget it.
I'm just surprised, that's all.
I'll stay home and nick cars instead.
Luke! Get a girl up the duff, buy a burger van, the world's my oyster.
I'm not saying I don't want you to come.
Yeah, right.
Oh, for God's sake! I'm trying to apologise, OK?! If you don't want to listen, that's fine, but give me a break! And change the record cos, at the moment, you're acting like a bloody child.
Help! What was that? Help!! Ow! Thanks for this, lads.
I really appreciate it.
No worries.
I've been going down the gym.
But every night when I get back, Nancy fills me with these pies.
And hotpots.
She doesn't like it if I don't have seconds.
And pudding.
Boiled in a can.
With tip top.
I didn't even think they still made it.
What? What? Where is the naughtiest place you've ever done it? That's easy.
Me and Suni once did it in the back of his dad's delivery van.
Oh, what about you, Nancy? Where's the naughtiest place you've ever had sex? Rhyl.
Rhyl? Nadine? Up the back alley.
Of the Legion! Don't be disgusting! Having said that, we did try the tradesman's once, but Karl said it made him feel sick, so we give up.
I won't offer again.
I told him.
Careful, man.
Do you know that "Wonderwall"? Stunning.
Do you want to go on my DS? Aye.
Today is gonna be the day I don't know what you're doing now.
Right now you still realise Right.
Hand over your plates, lads.
I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do About you now Madam, you are disturbing the other customers.
Bollocks I was.
Mam, you're hurting my shoulder.
There was no one else down there! Cos they all left when you started singing.
It was like a morgue.
You know what I mean, don't you, Tan? Yes.
Right, I'll be back.
I've just got to call Dai.
Wink, wink.
Nudge, nudge.
One of them phone calls it is, Nance.
Look, all I'm saying is, there's nothing for me over here.
Sign on, go down the Legion, watch telly.
It's same old, same old.
I know, but at least here you've got your mates, your family.
It's a big thing, emigrating.
I know.
If you really want to come to Canada, and I mean really want to, then I'll help.
But you've gotta be sure.
I am sure.
Oh, master, I've been such a bad girl.
I got caught in the hayloft with a farmhand.
And the farmer gave me such a spanking.
Listen, I need to tell you something.
You could cook an egg on my backside, it's that red raw and hot.
"Just stop.
" That's what I said to him, but he wouldn't stop.
- "He just" - No.
No, no.
Butterfly, butterfly.
Dai? Should you drink some water? Forget about everything else.
Forget money, houses, sex, fame, and houses and that.
It's family.
And family stay together.
And that's what we are, innit? Oh, here she is! How was it? Did Dai remember his hands-free kit? Oh, I'd have thought it'd put more colour in here cheeks, Tan.
But look at her.
She looks like death warmed up.
Which is quite funny for an undertaker.
Any more of that wine left? Bad signal, was it? Or was Dai's tent pole non-extended? No, everything's fine, Stel.
I know that face.
What's up? Oh, will you just leave it? What's up?! I will tell you in the morning.
Stop being such a bloody drama queen.
What's going on? Alright, fine.
Do you really wanna know? I remember my stag.
The lads got my a belly-o-gram.
Big, fat girl that strips.
Quite cool, actually.
On her more than me.
Emma? Bloody hell, my mam's going mental.
She had to be 20, 21 stone.
Poor thing started crying halfway through the song.
She's what? Just get Luke, babe.
I've got to talk to him.
In the end, we told her to put her clothes back on and come and have a beer with us.
Bloody hell.
Are you alright? Worked out stunning, to be honest, mind.
Cos she won some lamb chops in the raffle.
Eh? So, Canada, eh? What? I couldn't help hearing.
I was in my tent.
Just grabbing a beer and that.
Don't say nothing to Mam, Uncle Dai.
I've gotta find the right time.
No, no, course not.
But you have to bear in mind, these things have a habit of getting out.
She'll be upset at first, of course she will.
But don't worry.
She'll come round in the end.
Luke, it's for you.
It's Emma.
A back-stabbing, glory boy bastard! Just listen! Right.
I wanna be on my own.
All of you just get out! Stella, for God's sake.
You're making a fool of yourself.
Oh, piss off, Tan! Don't talk to my mum like that.
Oh, you're still here?! I thought you'd be off in a corner, crying your eyes out, cos Luke is going to Canada to be a Mountie! Who can blame him? His mother is a bloody psychopath.
Hey, don't talk to my mam like that.
How long have you known? When were you gonna tell me, your best friend?! I've only just found out now, you idiot! Right.
We've all had a drink.
Let's just take a deep breath and talk about this calmly.
Oh, pipe the hell down! Yeah, shut your festering gob, you tangerine tart! I've never liked you! Oh, my God! It's so NOT tangerine! It's insane.
We're supposed to be family, aren't we? No, we're not family! None of you is family, and none of you is friends, and I don't know what my Alan ever saw in you! Tsk! Right.
I'm leaving.
I'm not lying.
They've got nothing for a couple of hours.
What?! You're having a laugh, aren't you? I don't care what kind of night you're having, get me a taxi now! Are you still there? Ohh! Four stars my arse! Right! What? Mam, Mam, just listen to me a minute.
" After everything I've done for you, Luke.
I don't know what Paula's said, but can we talk about it? It's none of your business.
You're not my son anymore.
Ah, Mam.
You're just pissed.
"Bye-bye!" It's Stella.
Will you come and get me? I'm having a fantastic time, boys.
On the whole.
Put it this way.
At least we've got our health.
Bastard! Come on! Come on.
And our clothes.
Dad? Hello, love.
Am I that bad a mother? Luke goes to prison and then he goes to Canada.
Anything to avoid me.
Hey, now.
They've only known each other a week and they're moving in together.
I don't know if this helps, but you're sat here now, cooched up, crying on my cardie, just like when you were a little 'un.
I've seen you cry as a baby, I've seen you cry as a toddler, I've seen you cry as a stroppy teenager.
Are you saying I cry too much? No.
I'm saying, if you love your parents, and Luke does love you, then you'll always need them.
Nothing changes that, no matter where you go.
I wanna go home.
In court, I'll look him in the eye when I say it.
Show 'em who they're dealing with.
You're definitely going then? Yeah.
You can hold a paintbrush and gloss a window frame, but I bet you can't write poems like Karl.
I just wanted to say, I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God.
Stay there.
Don't move.
I'll be there now.