Stella (2012) s02e02 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 2

I'm just really enjoying working with you - doing the undertaking.
Good God, have you been burgled? I lost my job.
You love Sean - that's all that matters.
I'm not sure if I do, presh.
Give me one good reason why she'd drop him for you? Because I love her And I think she loves me.
I slept with Rob.
It's a scandal a bloody scandal.
We're a dying breed, us lollipop men, like the miners Or manned lighthouses.
Come on then, boys.
Get yourselves off.
I'll be fine.
You're alright.
Well, I'm not really, am I? That's the point.
Maybe she's already been past.
What are you waiting for? Little Al.
Hiya, Bethan! Hello? Can we cross now? You'll appreciate me more when I'm gone, but I'll still be here in spirit, guiding you My flock.
We'd been at her bedside for a few days before she went, telling stories, talking to her.
Well, shouting even, just in case Just in case she could hear us, like.
She didn't seem to, but just as she was passing over, my son leaned in, didn't you? And he said Tell him what you said I said er night, night, Nanna Jane.
And he gave her a little kiss on the forehead and she smiled.
She actually died with a smile on her face.
Might not have been a smile, of course.
Fascinating area - I've been reading about this.
Sometimes it looks like a dead body is smiling but really it's just a muscle spasm round the mouth.
Corpses can get these involuntary spasms, where the muscles can just start twitching and jerking - like this A bit like when you cut the head off a chicken.
Dai, can I have a word? Excuse me.
It's gotta be Sean's nipper.
He did all the boxing and that, and he do drive a Harley.
His sperm's gonna be top notch.
I dunno babes, that Rob Morgan Well, he's like some kind of wild stag, isn't he? All full of manhood and mystery.
Steady now, Dine.
I'm just saying that, if I had to put my money on anyone's sperm, it'd be Rob Morgan's every day of the week.
No contest.
But Sean's like 20 years younger, isn't he? Charlie Chaplin had a baby when he was 93.
That is disgusting.
His wife should've had him clipped.
Amazing thing, the human sperm.
You know that if a sperm was the size of a man, it could swim twice around the world.
So if a sperm was the size of a fella, how big would the balls be, then? About the size of Vauxhall Cavalier Estate.
Sean Going like hot cakes, these are.
Defying the laws of recession.
You can't just leave.
Watch me.
We've got the scan on Wednesday, at least wait till then.
If the baby's mine Oh, course it's yours.
IF it is, I'll support you - financially.
I don't care about the money.
Right, you are.
All finished.
Oh, come on, babes.
Let's go inside and talk.
All this time you just let me carry on playing happy families, the new dad.
All this time, Stella, knowing that you did what you did.
I mean, how d'you sleep at night? I haven't been sleeping, as it goes.
Oh, well, my heart bleeds.
Thing is, we've been here before, haven't we? You saying you're sorry, saying you don't know why you did it, and me going, "Yeah, I understand", like a bloody idiot.
And d'you know what? I've had enough - it's boring.
Does it turn you on, having blokes fighting over you? What? Come on, I want to know.
Does it turn you on? Right, you're out of order now I'm out of order? I'm not the one who shagged someone else! You've broken my fucking heart.
Dai, don't take this the wrong way, but I think it might be best if you stayed back-of-house from now on.
Why? Well, dealing with the customers needs a certain lightness of touch.
He've always been like that - great big flappy hands like coal shovels - clumsy bugger.
Aunty Brenda, like I said before, this isn't a good time.
Ooh, that's nice, isn't it? I've not even had a cup of tea yet.
I'll get you one in a minute, presh.
All I'm saying is, your skills lie elsewhere.
You're less of a show pony, more of a stallion.
A Stallion.
A big, strong, rugged Stallion.
The kind that needs to be tamed.
Definitely And the kind that stays well away from the customers.
Got it.
Morning love.
What are you doing here? Dying of thirst.
Paula, have you got a minute? Oh, she'll be wanting to talk about Sean.
How do you know? Nerys Jones's youngest's best friend's sister Laura's boyfriend - he works in Ponty Estates - he says Sean've put his flat on the market.
Oh, love.
How do you get a girl like that to notice you? Mani Edwards says girls like it when you're mean to them.
Maybe you should go over and give her a dead leg.
Wish I'd bought a sausage.
Are we allowed to do this? Why wouldn't we be? Isn't it like stalking or something? No.
When my mam and dad split up, Dad sometimes stood outside her house in the front garden.
She used to get Keith to turn the sprinklers on.
I really wish I'd bought a sausage.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I need a plan.
Bit extreme, isn't it? You can't blame him, Pauls.
I wouldn't hang around, would you? I'm pregnant.
Right, you'll want a mixer with it.
Voddy tonic, is it? Do you want him to stay? Come here.
Oh, I'm fine.
Sod it.
I will come to you, then.
Three different Dads for my kids - what's that say about me? That you are gorgeous and blokes are queuing up to shag you.
Anyway, if Rob is the father that's two different dads for your kids so, you know, swings and roundabouts.
If you ask me, it's all for the best.
Young fella like that, he'd have been off like a ferret up a drainpipe when you had that baby.
Men are like animals when they have to go without - lusty little buggers.
And let's face it, kid, these past few months you've been punching above your weight in the looks department.
Hello? Luke? Is that you babe? Hiya, Mam, can you see me? No, not yet.
Turn your camera on.
Well, how do I turn the camera on? Click on the little camera sign thing.
There you go.
Blimey, you look rough.
Morning sickness, is it? No, no, I'm just having a bit of a day of it, that's all.
Come on, cheer me up.
Tell me all your news.
Well, I got some news, I suppose, but I doubt it's gonna cheer you up I'm being deported.
Hola, Mama! No, no, no, no.
Better head off in a minute.
Eh, do me a favour - give these to Kate.
It's this new comedy place - I was gonna see if she fancied going - it'd be a shame to waste 'em.
Unless you wanna go.
It's Tuesday night, it is.
I'm really sorry that things have turned out Please stop apologising I spoke to Bill Ryder - he said nine times out of ten they never spot these things.
I should've warned you.
Heart ruling my head, I guess.
It's not your fault.
You're not the one with the criminal record, are you? No prizes for guessing who your mother's gonna blame for this.
Shall we go? Mam's picking me up any minute.
No, no, it's not her turn today! She's taking me to the orthodontist.
Oh, for God's sake.
Orthodontist my eye.
It's a bloody American import.
In my day, you went to the dentist once a year and that was your lot, and now it's orthodontist this and hygienist that.
And flossing, I mean, what's that all about? You never see me flossing and I've done alright, haven't I? You know how I feel about your teeth, Alan.
The door was open.
Good grief, have you been burgled? No, I'm er just having a bit of a clear out - that's all.
Ha! Your Aunty Linda gave us this for a wedding present The woman had no taste.
At least she had a pulse.
I'll be in the car.
Gotcha! What time's he getting in? Not till late - his flight got delayed.
It stinks of paint in here.
That'll be the paint, Ben.
Won't that choke him or something? Fine, I'll put him in with you.
He's not going in with me.
Oh look, love, be nice, eh? It's not gonna be easy for him, coming back.
Why can't he stay with Sean? That's not gonna be possible.
Anyway, this is Luke's home - he belongs here.
What happens when the baby comes? Oh, I don't know, Ben! Sorry.
I'll tell you what, we'll have pizza tonight, shall we? We can have a nice chat about things.
What things? You know what it's like round here - people talk, don't they? Aw, I don't fancy her, alright! What? Nothing.
Pizza sounds good.
So long! Chilli cheese and a meat feast, then? Hiya.
Aren't you late for school? Sean, we need to talk.
Listen, mate I reckon you're gonna know what's I'm really sorry, it's just About what? Oh, y'know, not being around lately.
I been dead busy with work and stuff.
That's OK.
You know loads about women, don't you? Not as much as I thought.
What do they look for? You know, in a man.
Is this about Bethan? Yeah.
You should probably talk to your dad, Ben.
No, I don't mean sex - we've done all that in biology.
The whole man-woman relationship thing - I just don't get it.
Mate, I'm 32 and I still don't get it.
See I was thinking - I need a USP, something different to impress her with like.
So I was wondering, we could go on the bike, this weekend like.
We could ride past the Belmont where she works Well Girls love motorbikes, don't they? I know.
The thing is, Ben, it's I mean, it worked so well with you and Mam, didn't it? She loves the Harley.
How is your Mum? Dunno.
We're having pizza later.
Do you think I need to be taller? Girls like tall blokes, don't they? You'll be alright.
You've shot up loads since I first met you.
Really? Definitely.
Better be off now, then.
See you, Sean.
Hey, see ya.
You said you were going to look after him.
I know.
He got deported, Rob.
Look, it was out of my hands.
If there was anything I could've done You looked me in the eye and you promised you'd look after him.
He's 25, he's not a kid.
Look, I feel awful about what's happened but there's still ways I can help him.
Oh, you've done enough, thank you very much.
I'm flying over in a couple of days.
I'll sit down with him and work something out.
You and I need to sit down and all.
Well, that's not gonna happen.
Stella, you're pregnant.
It's not yours! How do you know? Look, Rob, me and Sean done it loads of times, alright? Loads.
And you and me, we only done it the once.
And Sean is way younger than you and, let's be honest, younger and more virile so, you know, it's not rocket science.
Does he know about us? There isn't an "us".
Well, there's a lot of unanswered questions - like why we ended up in bed together for one thing.
Daddy's hard working, isn't he? Yes he is! Oh, you look knackered.
Why don't you go back to bed for a bit? I've gotta get this done.
Just say your nan died or the dog ate it, or something.
Helen Ward got out of her GCSE mocks by wearing a whiplash collar.
It's not like school - I want to do this.
I need to know it.
You had breakfast? I'm fine, I just need to get on.
I'll make you something.
Let's get two pop tarts out the freezer.
You're listening to Pontyberry FM Can you hold him, Sunny? Thanks, lovely.
Hola, Mama! What's Mr Scruffy doing in here? It's a little bit of make-up, Daddy, I think I can handle it.
Hold that.
No, it's not, mun.
She's got the wrong skin tone for the green.
Now, this blue See? How it sets off the eyebrows? Mmmm.
Travesty, isn't it? What is? I just can't bring myself to leave.
I'm like one of them dogs that waits by his master's grave.
Oh, the crossing.
Aye, the pelican crossing, it'll be up and running next week.
They'll probably get some fancy celebrity to do a grand opening - Charlotte Church, Lulu, one of the Hairy Bikers.
They probably won't, to be fair.
Who knows anything anymore? Ooh, you haven't got a spare lilo, have you, Al? For the baby, is it? Why would you put a baby on a lilo? I dunno - waterproof? No, it's for a guest, like.
I have got one but it's got hole in it, and I'm buggered if I can work out where it's coming from.
It never rains I haven't got one anyway.
Oh, Stell, about the erm Don't you worry what people are saying.
I'll stand by you whether I'm the father or not.
Al, it's not yours, presh.
I'll be round later to do your shirt.
Actually, what are people saying? Hey, Stell, forget the DNA test, you wanna get on that Jeremy Kyle - they do the whole cocking lot for you and they put you up in a hotel.
My Michelle have done it twice.
Come on, get a cocking move on, mun! The driver on the bus goes beep beep beep, beep beep beep, Beep beep beep Beep beep beep The driver on the bus goes beep beep beep All day long.
Aww! Give yourselves a pat on the back.
That's it! Oh, you did SO well.
Yes you did.
Didn't he, Daddy? Yeah, that were really good.
Well done, Abhra! Thank you both for coming back, Mrs Collins.
If you'd like to take a seat in our waiting area, I'll take you through in a moment.
And please help yourself to a complimentary mint and a scented tissue.
Haven't got a spare lilo have you, or a blow up bed? Don't think so.
Dai's got a blow up doll somewhere Luke's not gonna sleep on a blow up doll, is he? Luke? What you on about?! He've been deported! Oh, Stell! Bloody Rob Morgan's fault.
Building up his hopes like that! I'll come round tonight.
Bring a few cans, we'll get completely monstered, is it? Paula.
Pregnant! Oh, yeah.
Finally hit rock bottom have you, Bach? What? Oh no! I'm just having a table top, that's all.
That's just the start.
You watch, next thing, you'll be selling your own leg, boy.
Ohh! I'll give you 50p for this.
Tell you what, call it forty, you got us a deal.
There you go.
Now, for many people this can be a very difficult experience.
But we also find it can be a very comforting one.
There are few greater gifts than the chance to see your loved one at peace before the final journey to the other side.
Do excuse me a moment.
Don't! You made her look like bloody Joan Rivers! I'll admit I might've got a little carried away, but it's only because I'm a perfectionist, love.
What've you got to say for yourself? Oh, thank you very much! Look, I'll hold up my hands and say some of the blame does lie with Daddy! But I could've done things better too.
I just I really wanna be good at this, Paul.
I'll go down there and tell 'em to come back later.
I'll do it.
I'll be alright love, I I said I'll do it! Or I got this? Nice? Hang your bananas on that.
Stop them bruising.
Ey mate, can my Nana use your bog, like? Alright erm, up the steps, straight through, on the left.
Well, I heard from Bopa Boyce that you was doing this but I thought she was just being mental! Aunty Brenda! Look at you - prostituting yourself on the street like some common or garden whore! What is everyone's problem with a table top?! It's just a car boot but without the car boot! But where's your pride, mun?! If you're on your uppers then ask for help! I'm not destitute.
Give us your mug.
I'm gonna read your tea-leaves.
It's coffee.
Makes no odds.
Pass it.
What are you seeing? If you think things are bad now, they're gonna get a whole lot worse, honey child.
Oh, great.
Somebody is gonna take you for a big ride.
Nah, look, I'm not doing the taxis.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm not doing the taxis.
Cheers mate! Yeah, pleasure.
Hey! Christ Dai! Why do you have to bastard 'tidy' everything?! Bugger! Is this a bad time? Bobby! Oh, my God, I don't believe it! Come here, you! Ooh, easy mind, handle with care.
Ha, ha! Hung over, is it? Some things never change! Is Steve with you? Here you go Triple espresso and a Red Bull.
Best hangover cure there is.
I'm not hung over.
The baby's teething, he was up ALL night.
Neck 'em both.
Coffee first.
Told you to neck 'em.
And you've got some stuff on your mouth.
Have I? Anyway, on to more important matters.
Are you going to the ball, Cinderella? What ball? There's four bars and a bungey tower in the car park.
I dunno.
Why not? Oh, bo-ring.
Alright, I'll think about it.
That's more like it.
Have you thought about it yet? How about now? Bloody hell, alright, I'll ask Emma when I get home.
Now, neck.
He'd come back from his travels with loads of little gifts.
Tommy Hilfiger toilette.
Or a half bottle of Mirage or Taboo.
Or one of those little inflatable neck cushions.
Bit by bit the presents stopped.
And then one Sunday he came back empty-handed, with a sun tan.
From a short haul trip to Prague.
I thought, hello, something's up here.
You know the oak veneered casket they used to do with the the plain sides? The Bridport? He was exactly the same colour as a Bridport.
I says to him, "Steven, how comes you got a suntan going to Prague? "In Winter?" And it turns out he'd been to the Canaries using up his complementary air miles! Dipping his wick elsewhere, was he? It's lovely to see you Bobs.
I've missed you.
Look, I don't wanna mess you around because I gave in my notice good and proper When can you start? Alright? Hiya! I've just got him off.
He've been proper mental today he 'ave - like a little fizzy D'you want some orange pop? Nah, you're alright.
I've had four double espressos.
So what you get up to today then? Studying.
Couple of lectures.
What was the lectures about? Seriously? Babes, I done nothing all day but clear up poo and baby food.
Er, the first lecture was about head trauma and the second was about haemoglobin count and resistance.
Well, that's good.
Hey, d'you fancy going to the medical ball next week? Oh, I don't think so, Sunny.
I'm knackered and I look like shite.
No, you don't.
Aw, bless.
Maybe next time, when I'm not smelling of baby sick.
You go.
Without you? Yeah.
I wouldn't know anyone anyway and you and your mates would spend all night talking about heemygoblins.
Sorry, babes.
Don't worry.
I'll see to him.
That's it.
Go on son.
Push through the pain barrier.
That's it! Go on.
One more rep.
Right with me.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on! Top of the mountain now! Come on, come on.
Christmas Number One! Military Wives! Yes! Excellent! You 'ave just lifted the equivalent of eight bags of sugar.
Great start.
Girls will be like jelly when they see you in that.
They do love palm trees.
Exotic, see.
Like Pineapple Lilt.
I do love the exotic, me.
Now all you need to round it off is a bit of colour.
Why not try our tropical spray golden tan.
It's water resistant and tested on rabbits so it's perfectly safe for asthmatics.
Mam says fake tan do make you look like Paris Hilton.
Exactly! First one's on the house.
Thank you.
I gotta go.
Hiya No, no.
Your ideas made perfect sense to me.
You're talking my language! And I do appreciate you taking the call - must be the middle of the night for you now or something, isn't it? No - it's early morning.
We're eight hours behind.
Of course it is, silly me.
Well, I'm looking forward to meeting you, Rob.
Call me when you arrive and I'll organise dinner.
I'm afraid I've got to go.
Another call.
A tout a l'heure! Yeah, bye.
Little Alan? What on earth have you done to your face? Nearly there.
Yes, love.
You know the saying, too many cocks spoil spoil the brothel? Aye.
Well, I don't think we need me, Daddy, Bobby and you all working 'ere.
Oh, right.
I understand.
You do? I'm not a total idiot, love.
Oh Dai I'll have a word with him later.
What? I don't blame you love, you were pleased to see Bobby, you got excited and you offered him his old job back without thinking it through.
That's not actually what I meant Look at that.
D'you know something Paul, I love this job.
Bloody love it.
It's made me whole again.
Now, if you don't mind I got me a body to embalm.
And they took the telly?! Yeah.
Stuck it in the back of a van.
Police said that's the downside of a table top.
Happening all over, apparently.
Well, at least they've tracked 'em down.
D'you wanna leave the ironing for this week? No.
No, no, no.
But you got no money, presh.
Don't you worry about that.
I hear you've got problems of your own - what with Luke being deported and that, eh? - How do you know - Aunty Brenda.
Kids, eh? Never ends, does it? One day they're dressed as a marrow, next they're dealing crystal meth.
Eh, Little Alan'll be alright.
He've got you.
You're a brilliant dad.
Alan! Alright? You're firing me? Yes.
Look, I'll go on a course or something.
I'll improve! It's too late.
But this is the first job I've had since the army where I've felt a part of something! Paula, I am begging you.
Oh, God, don't beg.
Sorry to interrupt, but it's Idris Howells and his daughter.
They're here for the viewing.
You'll have to excuse me a moment.
You'll thank me in the end, love.
You were out of your depth.
Yeah, go, that's right.
Go back to your precious Bobby! Must be nice having the team back together, eh? Very cosy! Had he been ill long? Fit as a fiddle.
In fact he still played the fiddle - not bad for an 89-year-old.
He played at my gigs sometimes, didn't he Dad? Yes! Gosh, you're a talented family aren't you? 'Buster Boy' - that was his favourite song.
Was it? Buster Boy, Buster Boy He got a rhythm and a lust and joy, Cos he's a Buster Boy, little Buster Boy Busting out on this big bad day.
Eh, listen my loves, I'm gonna leave you for a minute by 'ere with Daddy, oh and Uncle Graham.
And y'know, sing whatever you like.
Daddy doesn't mind.
Knock yourselves out! OK? Who've he lost this time? His uncle's stepbrother.
Dropping like flies they are.
God, he's unlucky.
I know.
Seven funerals in two months! By rights we should give him a loyalty card.
Stop it! It's very sad.
I mean, can you imagine? Open up your eyes and see The light that's shining bright Oh, heck! Upon the Night I'll see you at home.
that's shining light upon the night that took my love away, My life, my love, my light Oh, shut up, Lisa Howells! Come on love, you can't blame me.
You couldn't do the job.
You were losing us money.
Yeah, it's all about money isn't it? When you're running a business, yes it is! Just cos I don't want to work with you any more, doesn't mean I don't want to play with you.
In fact, it'll probably spice things up a bit.
All that time apart, thinking about what we're gonna do to each other at the end of the day? All that frustration that'll build up.
Er Dai, it's not working.
Sean, it's me.
I've got a load of your stuff here.
I can keep it if you like, or d'you wanna come and get it? Where are you anyway? It's like you've disappeared off the face of the earth.
Mam! Alright? Hiya! Dad's done me some exercises.
Lats and Pecs an' stuff.
Have he? Aye - feel them guns eh, Stell? Proper little Jodie Marsh, inne? Eh, er, bin day was yesterday mind.
I know.
Look presh, I need a word with Ben so No you're alright - doing a bit more training in't we, son? He'll be built like a brick shithouse by the time I'm done with him.
Karl, he's 13 years old.
That's a man in some cultures, innit? Greece and that.
Scotland even.
Can I just? What time's Lukey boy getting 'ere? Not till late.
D'you want me to be 'ere? What? Give him a pep talk like, cos he's probably gonna be depressed an' that isn't he? What with being chucked outta Canada.
Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine You'd never think it, but Nadine do get depressed at times.
Probably 'cos she's a deep thinker.
I do say to her, " Dine, mun - it never do pay to think too deep.
" Right That's what I can say to Luke if you wanted, like.
No, you're alright.
But I do need to speak to Ben Ah.
About you and Sean splitting up, is it? What?! Don't tell me, Aunty Brenda.
Actually it was Yanto.
Who heard from Aunty Brenda.
Oh, babes, I'm sorry.
You were gonna find out sooner or later.
Are you OK, mate? I really don't get this relationship stuff.
Well, these things happen, son.
Working out is the key.
Helps get rid of the 'black dog'.
We haven't got a black dog.
Right, let's get you ripped.
That hasn't happened to me since Can you pass the mustard? You being funny? No, love! Eh, nice to have the sofa back, Little Al.
How's your tea? You know I may not always be able to afford crispy pancakes on a Tuesday.
In fact y'know, things might be a little tight around here for a while.
We have to tighten our belts for a bit.
Dad? Yes, son? Will I always be this colour? You're gonna have to sleep on the lilo, I'm afraid.
And I thought things couldn't get any worse! I'm sorry.
We got rid of the bunk-beds ready for the cot.
It's alright.
Has it still got a hole in it? Yep! So - when you going the scan? Tomorrow.
Paula's taking me.
Excited? Yeah.
You don't look it.
I'm just tired, that's all.
Listen, Mam.
This is a bit awkward.
But I know about you and Rob.
He told me.
You're right.
It is a bit awkward.
Oh, well, go on then - say it.
I'm a complete bitch and how could I possibly do what I did? Oi! This is me, remember! I don't do lectures! Does Sean know? About you and Dad? Yeah.
Why d'you think I'm going the scan with Paula? Oh, God.
I am bursting for a wee.
What you drinking for then? 'Cos they said you needed a full bladder for the scan.
I just told you that! Did you? You're not being much help.
Sorry Stell, what d'you want me to do? Say something nice.
You've got great tits.
I meant moral support.
Tell me everything'll be fine no matter whose baby it is.
Have you heard from Sean yet? Nope.
Oh, what?! What you thinking? It doesn't matter.
Dai can't get it up.
Oh, forget I asked.
That's never happened before.
Well, once maybe, but that was when the wall came down.
Not the back garden.
Not a pretty sight.
It looked like a party balloon with all the air leaked out.
Can we talk about something else please? Me and Dai done it in a wheelchair once.
Surprisingly roomy.
Although the brakes didn't work and he cracked his head on the fireplace.
He actually did need a nurse after that.
Oh, stop it mun, Paul.
Hello! Alright? Hiya.
Stella Morris? Yeah.
D'you want to follow me, love? You can all come if you want.
Are you the Dad? Yeah.
And who are you? Moral support.
You gonna find out what it is? I dunno.
D'you think I should? It's not really up to me is it? What d'you think? Whatever you want.
What was the date of your last period? Erm I dunno exactly, about 3 months, give or take.
Are you sure about that? Oh, my God, I'm not more than 3 months am I? Is everything alright? And did the doctor do a test as well as you? Well, I didn't actually do a test.
You what? Well, I didn't need to.
My thingy didn't come.
And I was putting on weight, all the usual stuff.
What?! I have had three kids, you know! Mrs Morris, I'm very sorry to have to tell you this But you're not actually pregnant.
So you're staying in Pontyberry then? Is that what you want? You've just got to accept the fact that your womb have basically become a cactus.
I just really need to be held.
Hands off, alright? Oh, my expertise goes far beyond fashion.
I know you're angry about the baby Oh, my God, she hasn't told you, has she?