Stella (2012) s02e03 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 3

You've broken my heart.
You can't just leave.
You're firing me? Oh, God, don't beg.
I'm being deported.
Does he know about us? There isn't an "us".
Mrs Morris, you're not actually pregnant.
Come on now, Abhra, give it a rest, eh? Oh, please stop.
He's probably just hungry, love.
He had a whole bottle about 20 minutes ago! Maybe it's just wind then.
Why do you always say it's wind? I'm sorry.
It's just he was up four times last night and I tried everything, but he wouldn't go off for more than an hour.
I didn't want to wake Sunny so I brought him in here to watch telly at three in the morning, but all that was on was Midsommer Murders, and I hate Midsommer Murders, Mam! I really hate it! Was it John Nettles or the new fella? The new fella.
Oh, come 'ere.
Give him to me.
Now, you hush your moaning, little fella, or your Nana will start singing.
Oh, there we are! Hee-hee.
So, how you doing, then? I'll survive, presh.
Why would I want a baby when I got this little fella? I meant about Sean and telling him you shagged Rob when you never had to.
Bet you're kicking yourself now, are you? Well, actually I didn't Might be cos you're on the menopause - makes you do weird things.
Emma! What? I had to tell her - she's my best mate! For your information, I might not be on the menopause.
They said it could just be hormones.
No periods for three months, at your age, it's definitely the menopause.
Cheers everyone! Right, I've done the bathroom.
Thanks, Aunty Brenda.
And me and your mother'll take his Lordship off your hands for a couple of hours, while you get on with the rest.
All I have to do is grab the shaft firmly by the handle and pump it.
Everything alright back there? Just give me a minute.
Paula, mun! Sorry.
I'm just up against it, love.
That's not helping.
Maybe we could use this to No.
Right, fine.
Butterfly! Forget about it.
Butterfly, butterfly, OK? Sorry, love, but I've got two viewings and a burial with a vegan buffet.
Maybe later.
Where d'you want this, beaut? By 'ere.
Today's special offer Massage Massage therapist - ten pound an hour.
That's not what it says, Karl.
Oh, flipping 'eck.
Alright? Aw Bless.
Do he want a balloon? That'd be nice.
You coming the grand opening? Yeah, maybe.
I got Russell Grant cutting the ribbon - my mother've known him for years.
God knows you could do with cheering up after what you've been through.
You're quite young for the menopause really, but like I was telling Karl, maybe her body's just had enough, and if that happens it's best not to fight it.
That's exactly what I said.
You just gotta lay down and surrender, and accept the fact that your womb has basically become a cactus.
This one's for you.
Ey, Stell! Oh, for God's sake.
No Rhian, I'm not cocking pregnant.
Yes, I'm on the cocking change, and no I haven't got a man.
And, yes, I cocking cocked it up.
In fact, I've had it up to cocking here with everything, OK? Alright, mun, calm the cock down! I's only asking about Saturday, if you was coming up Nadine's opening? Systems analyst - what's that? Type of plumber is it? Have you ever thought about the taxis? My friend Jerry from Pontyberry Cabs, he's often on the lookout for new recruits.
Taxis? From lollipopping? That's like poacher turned game-keeper.
And anyway, my neck, all that turning round and talking.
So I take it this is your last week on the er? Lolly? Aye.
Three years man and boy - all gone for a Burton.
Like the miners and the Manned lighthouses, yes, I remember you saying.
You know, I've always wanted to ask you this but Go on.
Might I, y'know, have a little try? Aye Alright.
It's not as easy as it looks, mind.
Don't be fooled.
Here, have the hat an' all.
You gotta be bolder than that, mun.
You gotta feel it in there.
Stop! Stop! Stop! That's it.
STOP! Makes you feel like a king, doesn't it? Yes.
Anyway I'll have three of these.
What time they coming tomorrow? I dunno - four-ish.
Four-ish? It's an open casket viewing, Paula, there's no "ish.
" I'll check in a minute.
Oh, I've not got much to work with here.
I can tidy him up but he's no John Barrowman.
Things still bad in the Dai department? Yep.
I had a boyfriend it happened to once.
Only thing that got him going again was me yelling at him, and I mean really yelling - constantly.
"Will you pass the bloody salt?!" It was ever so tiring.
Well, good God, Glen Brennig as I live and breathe! Aunty Brenda! How's tricks, kid? Bearing up since Marj left? Not really.
You know she took Horse with her.
Yeah, I heard something, yes.
Thing is, Bren, there were three of us in that marriage so it was all a bit crowded.
Anyway, I gotta get this one in.
Yeah, go you back.
I'll see you around, Bren.
Chin up now, Glen, isn't it? I don't know what this world is coming to.
Luke! Luke, for pity's sake, will you come and help your mother with this damn pram! Oh, don't fuss, mun! Alright calm down! As if she haven't got enough to worry about at the moment, with the whole town knowing her business and her what-you-call! Sean's here.
He's come for his stuff.
Has he? Look out! Oh.
Alright? Yeah.
I'll erjust be upstairs.
And me.
I've had an offer on the flat.
That was quick.
I turned it down Oh.
cos I thought, "Why am I doing all this?" Running round like a blue arsed fly just because of you - just to make things easier for you.
I never told you to sell the flat.
No, you never told me a lot of things, Stella.
So you're staying in Pontyberry then? Is that what you want? I don't know what I want, presh.
My mate's got a job on in Birmingham - I'm gonna go there for a bit, clear my head.
Decide what to do.
Fair enough.
When's Rob getting here, by the way? I dunno, why you asking me that for? Oh, come off it! What was the plan? Get me out the way so you could have your little reunion? You know why Rob's coming back - he's bought a construction business.
Yeah, and how long have you known about that, eh? Oh, shut up! I found out the same time as you - stop being a dick! Stell, you alright? Yes.
Babe, he's just gonna hurt you again - why can't you see it? Oh, Sean, mun, you're doing my head in! He doesn't actually love you.
He just, I don't know, sees you as some kind of challenge.
I don't care what he sees me as! This has got nothing to do with Rob Morgan! D'you love him? What? It's a really simple question - d'you love him? Of course I don't bloody love him.
That's it, kid, let it all out.
You gonna fix that wardrobe this morning? Aye.
What you gonna do after that? You could go down Big Rae's for a little box? There's that new swimming bath.
Must be nice having a job to go to.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
It's alright.
Come here.
I'm gonna be late.
Please, Paul, I just really need to be held.
So, you know what today is, don't you? Friday? Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Right, I'll bear that in mind.
Oh, you may mock, but I can spot a menopausal woman with a broken heart from 100 paces - It's a gift I've got from God.
Now, when Pedro upped and left me, taking his espadrilles and his inadequate little moustache with him, I could have sat around like you and moped for weeks - but I didn't.
I went out and I got myself a JOB! I've got a job.
Ironing?! That's not a job.
People pay me for it.
Only because they pity you - no offence.
Now, have a look at this.
"The Bap Factory requires a mature baking assis" Mature.
Gets you out of the house and thinking about pastry rather than that Sean fella all the time.
I'm not thinking about him.
Look, do you want to be stuck inside with a pile of underpants for the rest of your life? Or do you want to get out there, make a brand new start and really start living?! At The Bap Factory? Yeah.
Ready? Ready.
Say what you see.
Well, that's bread obviously.
Granary or Wholemeal? Granary? A Croissant.
Do you speak French? No.
Good, cos I got no time for show offs.
How many squares in a Battenberg? Four.
Which of these is an angel cake? Ginger snap? That's a flapjack.
Come on, come on.
They'd be queuing out the door by now! That one.
Final answer? Final answer.
Welcome on board.
I got it! Nice one.
Ta-da! You are now looking at the uniform of an assistant patisserie operative.
Maybe Aunty Brenda can find you a job.
Yeah, maybe.
What's gonna happen to me, Mam? I got the opposite of the Midas Touch - everything I try turns to shit.
Oh, babes, look It might feel like that at the moment, but remember what your Gumpa always says, "Nothing stands still for long.
" Well, Canada certainly didn't, did it? No.
Come on, fancy doing a bit of decorating? Whoopee! Sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss.
Brass handles are a fitting tribute.
You try doing this sober.
We feel your pain too, you see, all part of the service.
I know things aren't going well at home but you can't be bringing that into work.
I'm not.
Like Daddy always says, "It's not just our customers we bury, "it's our feelings.
" Oh, are they for the Evanses, are they? Ooh, for Paula! Secret admirer, is it, mmm? "We'll get through this.
Love from Dai.
" Aww bless.
Hiya, are you in the back? I'll get a vase.
Aunty Brenda.
That Nadine have given me a load of fliers for her salon thingy - said I'd get a free lip wax if I give 'em out.
Well, if I leave it more than a week I look like Magnum PI.
Oh! Flowers! Your boyfriend trying to win you back, is he? Well, tell him from me he'll have to try a damn sight harder than that.
On his hands and knees, he should be Although I suppose your lot are used to that.
They're not for me, actually, they're for Paula.
How come? Well, apparently he've been having trouble raising the flag.
But don't go saying nothing, will you? My lips are well and truly sealed.
Aw, that waxing can't come soon enough.
No machine can replace the beating heart of a lollipop man - you remember that.
That machine might help you cross the road but it will never, ever love doing it.
Is that it? You look like a loon.
Don't wear that when you come watch me rugby training, will you? Oh, babes, I won't be finished in time for that.
Aw, what? Sorry, but I'm a career woman now.
See if Luke'll come.
See you.
Luke! Luke, you in there? Don't come in.
Aw, man, I said, "Don't come in!" Aw, sorry.
It's alright.
Will you come watch me training later? No, not today.
But Mam said you would.
Maybe next week, yeah? Oh, what was the point of you coming back? You never wanna do anything! Mr Morgan, welcome back to the Belmont Hotel.
Apologies for the bad weather.
Is it business or pleasure bringing you back this time? Ermthat kind of depends.
Well, your room's all ready for you.
Oh, and you have a visitor.
Do I? Sean.
Hi, whiskey no ice please.
I'm not going to apologise for what's happened.
What I mean is, it'd be pointless my saying sorry - I'm not sorry.
My regret is that I didn't come back sooner.
We were doing OK, you know, me and her - more than OK in fact.
We were gonna get a place together, a new house on the Penner estate, with Ben and the baby, haha! That's a joke Sean But then you decide, after 25 years of living the other side of the world, that Stella Morris, a nobody from Pontyberry, a girl that you went out with in school, all of a sudden she's the one for you and you can't live without her! Well, it's bollocks! Look, Sean, calm down, mate.
Don't call me "mate" - I'm not your mate.
Thank you.
How long before you get bored of her, eh, Rob? How long before the novelty wears off and you start to see her as a faded 40 something with three kids and no money? Doesn't sound very attractive when you put it like that, does it? Seriously, Sean, shut up.
I really love her.
I can't give her what you can, never in a million years, but I'm loyal as fuck, and that's something you know nothing about.
I give it two months.
Two months before you get fed up, and start looking around for something else to play with.
You're so predictable I'd bet money on it.
Look, I know you're angry about the baby, it's a mess The baby? There isn't a baby.
What? Oh, my God, she hasn't told you, has she? She's not pregnant, Rob.
I'll see ya, mate.
No, no, no, no.
Up, then across.
Up and then Across.
Not that far across.
And you need more flour on your fingers.
Oh, I'm gonna sneeze.
Stand away from the bread! Oh, it's OK.
Phew! Up and across So sorry.
A woman, is it? Sorry, what? When someone beats into a punch bag like that it's usually woman trouble.
I was just, you know, letting off steam.
Some nice combinations though.
You should get yourself down here more often.
Yeah, I would do but I'm skint.
Listen, Luke, I offered you a job here before, you remember? I'm sorry about that, Big Rae.
Well, it's still yours if you want it.
Nothing fancy, a few hours a week, sweeping the floors, cleaning the bogs.
You can use the gym as much as you like.
I dunno.
Oh, you got something better to do, have ya? Actually, I'm gonna go home and watch paint dry.
Alright, look, I'll give it a go but I'm not working weekends, OK? OK.
See you tomorrow.
Kyle, lower your guard son - lower it.
Oh, not that low.
He couldn't box eggs.
He's being a pain! Oh, he's just settling back in, that's all.
Settling back in to being a grumpy bastard.
Hey, now, language! He blamed me for knocking over the paint.
And did you? Well, yeah But, Mam, listen He's just He's rubbish.
Look love, it's not the best timing.
What's going on? Luke's being a dick.
No personal visitors allowed during work hours - company rules.
Oh, he's alright, mun.
Health and Safety.
Don't know where he's been.
I been wrestling with Little Alan's dog but don't worry, I washed my hands after.
I'm off to rugby - see you! Kids.
Over over pressure.
Squeeze the ball.
Ball in hand, ball in hand.
Ball in hand, ball in hand.
Right, last play, make it count.
Well done, Little Alan! What's she? Oh! Are you sure you're alright? Fine, yes.
What you doing here? I'm here supporting Little Alan, of course.
You've never been before.
I've always been here in spirit.
I didn't know you had one.
I hear things are changing in the world of road safety management? But I'm making contingences.
May I ask what? Systems analyst.
Systems analyst.
Well, good luck with that, but on the off chance it doesn't work out, there's always the taxis.
Pontyberry Cabs are I know about the taxis thank you! Of course you do.
Ah, here he is! For my player of the match, just a little something I bought recentlyfrom London.
I'll see you soon darling, alright? Let me know how it goes with the contingencies.
Come on, Little Al, let's get us some dinner.
It's an iPad, Dad, An iPad.
Well, that's er Very nice.
Yes! Where are the sausage rolls? I'll do 'em now in a sec.
That's what comes from yakking with your children during work hours.
It won't happen again.
And are these supposed to be fairy cakes? Eventually.
Oh, for goodness sake, look at them! I'll stay after work and do another batch.
How am I supposed to sell 'em? They're burnt to buggery! I'll come in tomorrow morning early.
Even your Luke wouldn't steal them.
Sorry, what did you just say? I have no time to argue - just get on with it.
If you've got something to say about my Luke, let's have it.
You've always thought you were better than me, haven't you? None of my kids have been in prison, have they? Ow! Pick them up this instant! I'll pick 'em up and shove 'em up your arse! And you can thank your lucky stars I don't sue you for assault and battery! Go ahead and sue me, you big fat bap! I think you got something in your hair.
Nice uniform by the way.
Yeah, well, won't be needing it no more.
I only started there this morning an' all.
I thought I should come and say hello.
Look I know why you're here but you've had a wasted journey.
Things have changed and I'm sorry, I should have told you before you left, but my head was all over the place.
I know about the baby.
What? Sean told me.
Sean? When? He told me quite a few things actually.
He's got a bit of a temper on him, hasn't he? Oh, give us a fag.
At least he didn't hit me this time.
So, how are you feeling about it all? Honestly? Relieved.
I mean, becoming a new parent in your forties, can you imagine it? No, I can't.
I'll never know now, will I? Oh, you're unbelievable.
What? What have I said now? You've spectacularly managed to make this all about you.
"Aww, poor Rob, someone's taken his toys away from him.
"He thought he was gonna be a Daddy again!" Alright, Stella, calm down.
Bloody hell.
Why don't you just for once, in that self-obsessed head of yours, have a thought for how other people might be feeling, hmmm? Y'know, it was me that was pregnant, Rob.
Except you weren't, were you? Ever.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
D'you wanna lift anywhere? No, course you don't.
And it is with great pleasure that I declare Tantastic Bodies well and truly open! Right, well thanks, Russell, it's a huge honour to have you here - and he is actually Welsh.
Anyway, thanks to the rest of you for coming and please help yourself to the buffet - within reason.
Most of it is "sale or return", so don't touch nothing unless you actually want it.
And second, you'll be pleased to know that Karl haven't written a poem for this afternoon.
Yay! We both have.
A Recipe for a Good Business by Nadine Bevan.
And Karl Morris.
Take a solid business brain Mix it with a fitness chain.
Stir in weights and tanning beds For couples, singles, newly-weds.
Wax and pluck throughout the day We've pedicures for straight or gay.
Plus seven types of fitness class To help you lose that flabby arse.
So come on Ponty, join our salon We'll even find a place for Alan.
Right, let's have some music then.
Mrs B take it away! One, two, three, four I am sailing I am sailing Home again 'cross the sea I am sailing stormy waters To be near you to be free See, Al, what you're lifting there is the equivalent weight of a small horse.
Always been strong, I have.
Yeah, but what you gotta ask yourself is when would you actually need to be able to lift a small horse? .
to be with you To be free # All on your lonesome, Dai? Paula's knackered.
She's been working all hours recently - you know how it is.
I do.
For your little problem.
They'll turn a button mushroom into a stick of celery before you can say Heston Blumenthal.
Where d'you get 'em from? Oh, you'd be amazed what you can pick up on the Costa - I got a wash bag full of all sorts.
Just to be clear, those pills will give you a stonking Yeah, I got that, thank you.
I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind She was my woman It's all he goes on about these days, work, and he keeps banging on about me meeting his stupid uni mates at some stupid ball.
I don't wanna meet 'em, mam, I got enough friends.
Well, if I was you I'd get my glad rags on and I'd go with him.
I'll babysit.
But for God's sake, don't be letting your man go off to something like that on his own - that way trouble lies.
I'm not being funny, Mam, but you're not really the one to be giving advice about relationships, are you? What've you got in your hair? Battenberg.
I crossed the street to her house And she opened the door She stood there laughing Alright? I wonder if they need any new talent? Oh, here we go again.
He starts these things, Alan, he doesn't see them through.
It's like with the fishing Good God alive.
There good this lot, aren't they? Oh, wonderful.
I was just saying What in the name of bloody hell is that? What? Yes! .
forgive me Delilah I just couldn't take any more.
Surf's up, dude! Wake up love! Paula! PAULA! Paula! Pleeeeease! And you'll need one of these.
Right, what do I do? You've not worn a bow tie before? No.
What are we gonna do with you? Come here.
You Gok Wan all of a sudden, are you? Oh, my expertise goes far beyond fashion, Sunny.
I know about all sorts of things.
Keep still.
Do you want me to do this tonight as well, seeing as your wife's not coming? Yeah, that'd be great.
That's what friends are for.
Attenshuuuun! Sorry, love.
Dai! Listen, I've got some good news.
I just wanted to let you know that things have cleared up in the sink plunger department.
Oh, well, that's great.
So I thought we could celebrate.
Well, not now love, eh? No, but I thought you could shut up early.
Well, people die all hours of the day, Dai.
I know, that's why tonight, I want us to have a SPECIAL night.
So, any requests? Tell you what - why don't you surprise me? But don't go too mad, nothing major, like? Of course, nothing major, gotcha.
Nothing major Lovely weather we're 'avin.
Where to, guv'nor? Why you talking funny? That's how they sound, isn't' it? In London, in them black cabs.
But we're not in a black cab, and we don't live in London.
Fair enough.
So You from arrrrround? Dad.
Don't do the accent.
D'you see the football last night? Was there any football last night? I should know this.
Look, I'm gonna test you on what roads you know.
Alright, go on then.
Plassey Street, please, drive.
I'm late for a meeting.
Well, I know where Plassey Street is - that's where we live, mun! Give me another one.
Little Al? I love this, Dad.
Do you? Good.
You look gorgeous.
I know.
Come here.
I'm glad you changed your mind.
Yeah, well, can't leave you going off on your own, can we? You're choking me.
Oh, sod it, just wear it around your neck Makes you look like George Clooney.
Dai? Prime Minister? Prime Minister? I'd like to discuss some figures with you, Prime Minister.
Something very important has arisen.
Prime Minister? Paula? Bugger! Paula! Paula! I'll look after you, I promise.
Come on.
Hey! Lads, this is Emma.
Emma, this is Josh and Sam.
Hiya, alright? Hiya.
I've washed my sheets Emma, don't worry.
We're kipping in his room tonight.
Oh, and where are you gonna sleep? Depends who I pull.
You're thinking, "Student twat", right? Start again - ask me where I'm staying tonight.
Where are you staying tonight? Probably on his floor.
It's nice to meet you by the way.
Right, now, you know I'm not a knob-end, drink this.
To the Bride and Groom.
Do you do B&B? I can't understand a word he says.
Why would they let someone with a lisp teach us about cardiac arrest? Cardiac arreth.
Here he is.
And you.
Thank you.
Where's mine? Oh, bollocks.
Don't matter - I'll go.
What? He's cracked his teeth.
You're joking.
On the end of the bar.
He's gone to put his hand around a girl Hey! Alright, mate? Shit.
No worries.
Oh, man, I'll leave you to it.
Hey, where've you been? It takes time to look this beautiful darling.
This is erm Mrs Sunil.
So, you're Emma.
I'm Leah.
Nice to meet you.
You're kind of a mystery woman.
We were all taking bets on what you'd be like.
I think I win cos you're exactly what I expected In a good way.
So, having fun? Ermyeah, yeah, sort of.
Must be nice, being out of the house.
My Aunt's just had a baby and she's says she's practically turned agoraphobic that's a fear of going outside.
I know what it means.
But it's so nice to meet you - Sunny talks about you all the time.
Really? Aw.
At first, when he told me he was married I thought, "What's that about?" He's not even 20.
But now I actually think it's really sweet.
Oh, speak of the devil! Hello you! Ooh.
I told Sunny I'd come and keep you company.
It's horrible when you don't know anyone.
You know what he's like when he's hammered - he forgets everything.
Yeah? He's a bloody idiot sometimes! He's my husband.
Sorry, what? Have I done something wrong? Just saying.
I don't Hands off, alright? I'm really sorry but I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, you do.
Message understood.
It's alright you know - it's nothing to be ashamed about.
What isn't? Postnatal depression, it's really common but you should go and see your GP, not just for your sake but for baby Abhra's.
What the hell was that? And you can tell your friend Sunny that his wife has gone home! There you go, strong coffee.
Not strong enough.
Oh, God.
Tell him I'm not 'ere.
He's my brother, Paul.
Come in.
Dai, I'm sorry, I just need some space.
It's only for tonight.
I know.
As soon as Paula's gone, I'll move back next door, right? Whatever.
And don't worry, I'm not going to be around as much to cramp your style.
You're going back to Canada? I got a few hours work down the gym, can use it too, build myself up a bit.
Looks like I'll have to be on my guard now you're working out.
I can lift ten bags of sugar.
Good night, John Boy.
Good night.
Luke? Yeah? Who's John Boy? You are having a laugh.
It's just a few mates.
Where's Emma? With you.
Right, will everyone just piss off?! Yeah, she's here.
Look, Sunny, why don't you go to bed and we'll talk about this in the morning, is it? I know you do.
Night, love.
What are we gonna do with them, eh? You haven't told me where the land is yet.
It's Pontyberry Rugby Club.
You're not serious? It's the end of an era.
We gotta stop them.
In your own time, Dai, let us hear your pain.
Oh, God Your wife is very perceptive