Stella (2012) s03e08 Episode Script

Series 3, Episode 8

I think I'm falling in love with you.
I've already fallen.
Alan, I think you're lovely.
There's a new vending machine in that cabin, full of easily accessible stock.
Get down! You shouldn't have run, mate.
Stella Morris? Stella Morris? Oh, about blimming time! Come on.
Name? You just said it.
Verify, please.
Stella.
Second name? Oh, this is ridiculous.
You see me in Asda every Saturday.
You used to go out with Dai.
Dai Davies or Dai Kosh? Give me some credit, will you? Look, am I going to see my son or what? We've been waiting here ages.
She's nearly full-term.
Nine months, I am! You should be ashamed of yourself, the amount of stress you've brought on her.
I've got a good mind to sue you, and don't ever expect me to say hello to you again in the fruit and veg section ever, ever again.
You got it? Impressive.
Look, we won't be detaining him any longer.
Our questions have all been answered, for now.
Mam.
He's all yours.
- Thanks, Jean.
- Jane.
All right? Blimming mare.
Oh, come here, presh.
Now, what the hell do you think you were playing at? All right, all right! Luke's the one who just spent the night in a cell! Sorry.
Sorry, Officer.
Right.
I'm going over to the car lot.
If that's all right with you.
"Na-na-na-na-na.
" All I'm saying is that he left an ex-car thief in charge of a load of cars and the next day they were all gone.
Now, you don't have to be cockin' Columbo to work that one out, do you? But can we know for definite that Luke was left in charge? Dai Davies told Brian the ref in a rugby meeting last night and his missus told Myrtle Evans when she was having her roots done this morning, so it's definitely fact.
Take them both, please, Parv.
- Still waters run deep, eh? - You what? Well, he always seemed the silent type to me.
Who would have thought there was all that danger lurking inside of him? It's fascinating.
You are to go nowhere near that boy.
Do you understand, young lady? That family is in enough trouble as it is.
Though Lord knows they ask for it! What family? Hello, hello.
You're still all right to have him today, Tan? Yes, of course.
He looks more like our Sunil every day.
My brother's a good boy, you know.
He wouldn't risk going inside again.
And shame on anyone who thinks he would.
- He've obviously done it.
- Abso-cockin'-lutely.
Oh, I hope so.
What's happened with Luke? Is he all right? Have he gone to prison? No, he's gone to work.
They're not pressing any charges.
Well, thank f Thank God for that.
Hey, what have you got in there? Sports day, innit? See you.
Nothing.
I mean, to nick one is a bloody liberty.
But to take 'em all, it's just taking the piss.
There must've been more than one.
A gang, I'd say.
A gang with a bit of inside help, perhaps.
What are you suggesting, David Davies? Well, bit of a coincidence that Luke forgot to take the keys home, don't you think? Leaving them out for all and sundry? And you know the story about the leopard and his spots.
Yes, and I also know the story about the tiger who came to tea and that's a load of baloney and all! Sorry I'm late.
I've been, er, helping with police enquiries.
Good boy.
That's our Luke.
He's a good boy.
Dai, I'm, y'know, really sorry about what happened.
What a prat.
Yeah, well, I got to go.
I've been asked down the station.
Give my version of events.
Your version? But you weren't even here.
They'll be wanting to ask me about you, I should imagine, son.
But why? You don't think I had anything to do with this, do you? Dai! This is just asking for trouble.
She's gone to Cardiff.
She's going to be hours.
I know, but it's still too risky.
I miss you, Marcus.
I miss you, too, but we spend as much time in here as on the shop floor.
And believe me, Collette's not as thick as Amy.
Oh, I hate all this hiding away.
We can't be seen together.
Not yet, Ems.
Let's go to my house.
- Meet me there.
In an hour.
- Emma, we can't.
- You're back early.
- I've been sacked.
- Sacked? - You're joking! As long as the police are conducting their enquiries, is what he said.
- Oh, the little shit.
- That's ridiculous.
It's obvious it were nothing to with you.
How could it be? For Christ's sake, it was me who left the keys behind, wasn't it? And Dai reckons I did it on purpose and tipped them off.
Oh, you wouldn't do something like that.
- Would you? - Thanks, Mam.
- No, I - Thanks a lot.
- Oh, it came out wrong.
- Luke! Where you going? Going to take the dog for a walk, if that's all right? Or are you worried I'll steal him and all? For God's sake.
Come on, Banjo.
Out of the way, man! God, sorry.
Great.
What are you doing home? Oh I can't stop sneezing.
I'm shivery all over.
Oh, let me feel your head.
Oh, you're all right.
Listen, will you go and get me some Lemsip at the hospital? Yeah, okay, but you know I'm not back till after lunch.
Yeah, it's okay.
I'll sleep it off.
Well, keep warm.
I will.
Shall we go up the park? There you go.
Can I do that again? If you want.
There you go.
Loon.
Sorry about the shirt.
I don't often have women to stay.
I should hope not.
That's odd for a Thursday.
Oh.
Don't go away! Alan.
Alan.
I'll say what I've got to say and then I'll go.
It's Mam.
She's dead.
I'll be in touch about the funeral.
All right? Don't jump up on me like that, will you? You coming back after school? You haven't been in yonks.
I thought we could have a crack at Battlefield 4.
I can make some tea if you like.
- I've got a new - I'll have to let you know.
I got a lot on at the min.
Oh, forget it.
- All right? - Not really.
I got a bag full of stolen shit on my shoulder.
Perfect.
Flog it in the lunch break.
Oh, and my brother spent the night in a police cell for doing absolutely nothing.
Not that that bothers you.
He hasn't been charged.
What's the problem? Everyone's pointing the finger at him.
Look.
I want to tell my mother we saw what happened.
While we were robbing the machine? Think about it, Ben.
Just get rid of the stuff, yeah? Come on, drink it up.
Nice and sweet.
I I haven't seen my brother since And he's called Alan as well? Family tradition.
Worst thing is that I hadn't seen my mother for two whole years.
Oh, I'm so sorry, love.
Alan was always the favourite, see.
She worshipped the ground he walked on but me I don't know.
She never seemed to let me in.
Hey, come on, now.
Some people just find it difficult to show their emotions, that's all.
No.
I mean, she literally never let me in.
I knocked on the door for hours last Mother's Day.
Nothing.
Had to leave the tulips on the doorstep.
- Oh.
- Mind you, I hear she had difficulty getting to the door towards the end.
So I can take some comfort in that.
- Difficulty? - Last time I saw her she was 38 stone.
Hadn't left the house since Charles and Camilla got married and that was just to get some crab paste for more sandwiches.
Bless her.
So you and brother Alan, why have you not spoken for so long? My dog.
He knocked him over in his car.
He'll never admit it, but it was intentional.
- Oh my God, that's awful.
- I know.
Well, it's time to put your differences behind you now.
You've got a funeral to organise, a chance to do your mother proud.
We've been looking all over for you.
It's Banjo's fault.
He wanted a picnic.
Your mam don't believe you were involved with them cars.
You do know that, don't you? Yeah.
It's just if Dai thinks the worst of me, then what's every other fucker going to think? Oh, let 'em gossip, Luke.
You can't control what anybody else says about you, okay? What's important is I know you're a good person and Jack does and so does your mam.
And so does Banjo.
My dad used to say to me, and I always remember it, "Don't worry about what other people say 'cause those that matter don't mind "and those that mind don't matter.
" Now, throw those cans away and let's go have a nice cup of tea, is it? B-N-0-6 Y-H-X.
Eight years, yeah.
Then there was the Chrysler.
H-N-1-2 C F-W-F Excuse me a sec.
Can you not do that right now? I'm trying to sort out the car insurances.
Crime waits for no man, Dai.
If I'm going to clear this Luke mess up, I got to get on.
Sorry, I'll have to call you back.
What exactly are you trying to do? Well, it's obvious, innit? I'm dusting for fingerprints.
That takes years of training with specialist forensic powder and very fine brushes.
Powder's powders and brushes is brushes, Dai.
And I'd thank you to put those on.
Your greasy palms are contaminating my what-yer-calls.
Ridiculous.
I don't believe it! They've pinched my puffs.
They've what your puffs? They've nicked 'em.
All the cans and everything.
Didn't you notice this was empty, Miss Marple? Well, of course I did.
I just thought you'd scoffed 'em all.
I know how you can eat when you're stressed, I've seen you with your nuts! Yeah, but 30 packets of cheesy puffs? I don't think so.
Right, so we're looking for someone who likes cars and enjoys a snack.
Dai Davies? What's this about you giving our Luke the sack? I know, it's appalling, isn't it, Stell? What happened to innocent until proven what-you-call, I want to know? Of all the years you've known our family - For years he have! - You should be ashamed of yourself.
Really ashamed.
- What about when your Doris was ill? - With the chest, remember? And our Luke used to run the ironing up for her and sort the garden out.
He was only young and all! - Well, he needs you now.
- And he needs you! And you turned your back on him.
Shame on you! Disgusting! - I just want to say - I've heard enough! I'm off.
And my daughter have got a cold! - I'd like to book a funeral.
- It's about my mother's funeral.
Petty and inappropriate, considering our relationship.
Our relationship notwithstanding - I'm just saying - Notwithstanding? You're not at the bloody Bench! A lift share is a lift share.
How can you claim for this? I'm a senior partner.
And I bring you to work and I manage the expenses, so I'm asking Your anality is unbelievable.
- You're anal.
- You're anal.
- You're anal.
- You're anal.
- You're anal.
- You're anal.
- You're anal.
- You're anal.
Enough with the anal! Last time I looked, this was a legal practice, not a school playground.
Healthy debate is what keeps this practice alive and operative.
Right, well, I'll just take these and, erm I gather your girlfriend's son was in trouble with the police last night.
It was just a misunderstanding.
Never a dull moment with that family, is there? I hope you know what you're getting yourself into.
Hiya.
Are you going for lunch? - Could do, yeah.
- Only I got to take these back.
And I've just had a barney with Dai Davies.
I'm in a right proper strop.
- I'll make you a sandwich.
- Mmm.
Sounds lovely.
I'll just get my keys.
And of course the teak and pine are very popular.
- Teak.
- Pine.
I told you.
You're not needed here.
Then the matter of the handles.
There's brass, silver - Brass.
- Silver.
How would you know these things? You haven't seen her for years.
I know my mother.
She wouldn't be seen dead near brass.
Well she's going to be.
How can you be so tasteless? Me? Tasteless? Look at your shirt.
Thank you, Daddy.
You always were the one person round here spoke any sense.
And do you know if Mrs Williams wanted a cremation? - Absolutely.
- Definitely not.
Burial, then? - Oh, yes.
- No way.
Let's all just keep calm and we'll talk this through quietly, is it? Getting angry won't solve anything! What would Mrs Williams, deceased, say about this? I loved our mammy, Daddy.
I know what she'd wanted.
I loved her, too! Rubbish.
The only thing you ever loved was Shep, your stupid dog.
How dare you even mention his name in my presence? You canine killer! Oh, you're off your head, man.
That dog was like a father to me.
And you went and killed him.
I did not kill your dog.
Why deny it? Everyone knows you ran over him with your car.
- I did not! - You murdered him out of spite! I wasn't even in my car, it was Mam.
- Mam couldn't drive - She sat on him! What? Mam sat on him.
Oh He never stood a chance.
She didn't know about it for two days.
So I said I'd run him over to make it easier for you.
Easier to accept, like.
Cup of tea, anyone? Slice of angel cake? No.
Thank you.
I'm leaving now.
This conversation is over.
I'll be in touch.
all the time, tells him what to do.
And you very firmly put him in his place? Absolutely.
Nobody messes with my boy.
You'd make a brilliant defence lawyer, you know.
Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- What? Stell? You, out! Emma, downstairs.
Shit.
Maybe I should go.
What, and miss another chapter in the lives of my wayward children? No, just try to keep things in perspective.
Obviously, I wish you hadn't seen that.
Right, shut up and listen to me.
This stops right now.
She's 19.
You are married.
It can only end one way, very, very badly.
I know what you must be thinking but the truth is I love her.
No, you don't.
It's a bloody ego trip, man! What, a gorgeous young woman like Emma fawning all over you, telling you you're amazing? Don't call that love, it's embarrassing.
Christ, you're unbelievable.
Do you know that? You think you've got some God-given right to go around telling people how to live their lives? Emma, Emma.
I think you should calm down.
- Well, I'm sick of it.
- Stay out of it this, yeah? No, I won't stay out of it.
And actually, Marcus, - I think you should leave now.
- This is none of your business, mate.
Don't talk to him like that.
Who do you think you are? Oh, look out! The great Stella Morris has spoken.
You think you're so wise, don't you, Mam? And clever and sorted.
But you're not.
You're a mess! You couldn't keep a man if you tried Emma.
Emma, don't talk to your mother like that.
- It's really unpleasant.
- Where's Dad? Where's Rob? Where's Sean? They've all pissed off abroad.
He'll be buying his plane ticket next.
No, I'm not going anywhere.
I fucking hate you! No, you don't, sweetheart.
You just hate the fact he's married.
- I'm sorry.
- Get out of my house.
Hello? Yeah.
Oh, you're joking me.
Right.
I'll be there now.
Great! Well, the day just gets even better.
Ben has been suspended for selling stolen goods.
Okay.
I'm putting you on speakerphone and I'll confirm it all with Big Al So, we are agreed on teak? Yeah.
Teak.
Bobby G to Daddy Boy, did you get that? Over.
Excellent.
Ready to move on? Fittings.
Silver.
Brass-plated.
She hated silver.
We give you brass-plated if you agree to flowers.
It's a waste of money.
I'd rather it went to charity.
There's got to be flowers.
Mam loved flowers.
All right, have your stupid flowers! Can we please move on to the contentious subject of burial or cremation? - Cremation.
- Burial I'm not going to budge on this.
All right, we got that, Daddy! What do you say, Alan? Go for the burial? Just give in to him and we're all done.
Your mam can be laid to rest.
Okay.
It's a yes.
Bingo! We have closure.
- We are now - Ready to take - Your mother out - Mr Williams.
Okay.
- Load her up.
- Load her up.
Well, that was embarrassing.
Fifty cans of pop and 40 packets of crisps.
Can you believe it? Jesus Ben, where'd you get it all from? - No comment.
- Oi, smartarse, that's enough.
Say sorry.
- No! - What? I'm sick of you telling me what to do all the time! You do my head in.
Right.
Then you will not so much as smell fresh air until you learn some manners, good boy, and that's a promise.
No Game Boys, no Xboxes, no DVDs, no laptops, no Facebooking or whatever else you do in that hovel of yours.
I hate you! Ben, get back here! Ben! Just leave him, Stell.
He needs time to cool down.
Bet you're really glad you took me on now, aren't you? Yes, I am.
Come here.
This is my widest.
- And do the seats come out? - Touch nothing, please! This is still a crime scene.
And whyfore you want them to come out? Do you want people to stand? - Come again? - He said I know what he said! But what does he mean by, "Our passenger won't be standing"? This to be Alan Williams's mother's final chariot.
I'm afraid the hearse is just too small.
- Hiya, Al! - How are you, love, all right? After Dai Davies, I am.
- Aren't we all? - Sorry? He's in there, love.
Wallowing in his pit.
Alan, how are you? I'm so sorry for your loss, son.
If there's anything I can do.
Anything.
Actually, I've come to ask you a big favour.
Will you be a coffin bearer for my mother? - Me? Are you sure? - Oh, yes.
It was mam's only request, according to my brother.
- Just you and George the Butcher.
- Just us? - Well, me and my brother, of course.
- But she was huge - Hey? - ly popular.
Are you sure she wouldn't want more bearers? Six, eight, 10, even? The more the merrier, I'd say.
No.
She was very specific.
Just you and George.
It means a lot.
See you at slimming.
Katie? - What are you doing here? - I've been suspended.
And I've had a massive row with my mam.
Well, come on.
Dai Davies.
Oh, she was a real character, your mam, wasn't she? I'm ever so sorry, Al.
Thanks.
Funeral's Monday.
Well done.
You've stayed the same.
Alan Williams.
- Look, Stell - You and me are not talking.
Just try and see it from my point of view.
Luke was Go away, little man! You've done enough damage to this family.
- That's three pounds.
- Yes! - On.
Disgusting.
- Oh.
Sorry.
I've had a bad week.
You see, my brother turned up and I haven't seen him for years and Excuses! Excuses! Excuses! Obesity leads to an early death, Alan.
Have anyone ever told you that? Yes.
He knows it better than anyone! Stay out of it, please.
This is about Alan, not you! You comfort yourself with food when you're sad and you reward yourself with it when you're happy.
Basically, when don't you eat, Alan? - I'm sorry.
- Alan, tell her.
- The thing is, you see - His mother died this week, all right? Yeah, didn't you know? No, I didn't.
And she was a 30-stoner.
Thirty-eight in the end, wasn't she Al? - Oh, she was huge! - Colossal.
Yeah, all right.
Do you know, the last thing he wants to hear is about obesity and how it kills you! I didn't think.
Alan, I'm really sorry.
- It's okay.
- No, but it's not, is it? I mean, what sort of person am I, that I could be so insensitive? I stand up here week after week, telling you to do this, not to do that.
Well, I got no right.
'Cause I'm a secret bloody eater! Oh! Last week, I bought six cream slices and a chocolate tart, family size, went to the car wash and ate them in the car.
Just sitting there, I was, cramming them in.
- Oh, I've done that.
- Have you? I'm just a fraud.
A fraud and a freak! And a fatty in a thin person's body! Oh, God! Right.
Tell you what, anybody fancy coming back to mine for a curry? - How do you manage it? - What? All the time I've known you, you never once argue with your parents.
And it's not fair, 'cause you do all the same shit as me.
That's 'cause my mum never even notices me or anything I do, 'cause she's too wrapped up in Andy the Wanker.
What about your dad? I really miss him.
Do you mind him going out with my mam? Not really, she's nice.
I've got to get back.
Look, just go home and say sorry.
They can't suspend you forever.
We'll have the papadums and dips first, so I'm keeping this lot warm.
Good idea.
Anyway, all I can say is, I'm sorry.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous! - Oh, stop apologising.
I know, but I can never show my face in a Blubber Busters class again! Is that the end of the world? It's a terrible diet, anyway.
I never lost an ounce.
Oh, that'll be Michael.
You sure you don't mind him coming? Well, as long as he brought the beers.
Well, it worked for me and I kept it off.
- Here he is.
- Hiya! Managed to get some cold ones.
- Oh, lovely.
- Ta.
I suppose at the end of the day, there's bigger problems in life.
Yeah, like the fact my eldest son is suspected of car theft, my daughter is behaving rather foolishly and my youngest son have been suspended.
At least your mother's not dead.
Yeah.
What was your mother's name, Alan? Anita.
An-over-bloody-ita.
Right, well, here's to Anita.
Anita.
- Down, down.
- Yeah.
It's on my head, it's on my head! On its side, on its side.
Oh, wait! Wait! Turn it, turn it! Watch her, watch her! - Coming out? - Yeah, all right.
- There was no need to.
- Oh, they're not for you, dork.
Oh.
Why aren't you in school, anyway? Bunked off.
Solidarity and all that.
Wait there.
- See you later.
- What? Who are these from? And if that biscuit hadn't got caught in her throat, she'd have been here today.
Which is why, rest assured, I will be suing the manufacturers once my mother's laid to rest.
Amen.
Yes.
Uh, thank you for that, Alan.
And now we're going to have a song sung by, uh Alan.
A song he has especially composed for his mother today.
# In the dark and empty.
night # I'd cry and she would hold me # If I ever had a fright # She'd never ever scold me # Her love was shining bright # Loving Mam, oh my Mam # My earth, my air, my dark, my light # You were light You were light # She was light # Oh, she was light # She was light She was light She was I am sorry about all this, you know.
I feel bad, you taking all the blame.
Well, there's no point both of us being in the cack, is there? Now, there's a happy sight.
Couple of lovebirds mitching off school.
Nice.
Fuck off, Lenny! Oh, feisty like his brother.
I like it.
You'll miss him when he goes back inside.
They haven't charged him, right? They will.
Only a matter of time.
All roads lead to our Lukey boy, eh? Never mind.
At least I'll be getting my son back.
Say thanks from me when you see him.
Ben! Do you know, this childcare malarkey is a fascinating subject.
It says in here that there's a 70% chance that your Jack's wandering fingers are more contaminated than a public toilet seat.
- That'll be 60 pence, please.
- What a load of nonsense.
- Yeah, I'll get these.
- No, thanks.
There you go, boy.
From Daddy.
We don't want anything from you.
What, can't a father buy his son some sweets now? Get out of my way.
Mammy's not very friendly today, is she, Jack? I said, get out of my way! Oi, you heard her! She told you to move! So, feet, door and feck off.
Oh, but I do love a bad boy, though.
Is he single, your ex, do you think? I just want to say I thought you spoke very well in the church.
Thank you.
It's a pity your song brought shame to the whole family.
I was trying to put out an orange branch there.
- Olive.
- Right.
Aren't you going to introduce me? I Oh, um Oh, this is my brother, Alan.
Alan, this is Celia, - my, um - Girlfriend.
I'm his girlfriend.
Brave girl.
Point is, I'm just trying to let bygones be bygones.
I know what you're trying to do here, so save your breath.
Eh? Oh, please don't act simpler than you really are.
Mam's will? She's left everything to me.
- Everything? - Yeah.
You get nothing.
And you're certainly not with him for his looks, so you'll be disappointed to know you'll get nothing either, sweetheart.
Oh, just a minute So you and this sordid little money grabber can stop wasting your time.
You listen to me! You have done nothing but put me down and walk over me all your life, and shame on you for that! But don't you ever, ever insult my partner again.
Do you understand? I don't want your money.
And I don't want your life.
I've got everything I want.
So you'd better apologise to her now before you cause a scene.
And believe me, there will be one.
I'm sorry.
Partner? - Sorry, I didn't - No, I like it.
Mam.
Mam! - What are you doing here? - Katie? It wasn't Luke who stole the cars.
It was Lenny Mack.
What? Look, I know you're trying to help your brother, Ben, but you need proof before you start making those kind of accusations.
Just press play.
- Are you sure? - Course I'm bloody sure.
I know what labour feels like.
Oh, holy caroly.
Where the hell is Tanisha when I need her? - Zoe's having a baby! - Yeah, we know.
I was one of the first to congratulate her.
I said to Luke at the time that - Now! - Shit a brick! Relax, babes.
I delivered three goats in 'Nam with nothing but my bare hands and a ball of string.
Right, water.
Get plenty of hot water and lots of fresh towels.
Where the feck do you think we are, Little House on the Prairie? Hospital.
Get me to the hospital, now! Got you! So, what do you say about that, Pontius bloody Pilate? Sorry, everyone.
Sorry, Luke.
Do you see what you've done? Sorry's not good enough, good boy.
Now, take this and get down that police station, sharpish! - So, what were you doing there? - Zoe? - Nothing.
- What do you mean, nothing? Katie? Listen, you two better come up with an explanation I can't hear you, presh.
What is it? It's the baby, Stell.
It's coming now.
And I can't get hold of Luke.
His phone must be off.
Christ, Yanto! Take it easy, will you? Relax! I got the string.
I want Luke.
You know, Luke could have gone to prison.
- I'm sorry, Dad.
- Save it, Katie.
You have no idea how disappointed I am in you.
Oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi! Where do you think you're going without me? Right, come on! Let's find Luke.
To the right, to the right! Well, look who it isn't.
I told you to leave us alone! Luke? Luke! Get in the car.
You're about to become a dad! Oh, come on, babes.
You can do it! How did you know where to find me? It wasn't such a wild guess.
But twp of you, mind, wouldn't it? What if he'd had a knife or something? - A bit what? - Twp.
You know, stupid, thick! - Oh, someone help me, please! - You're doing well.
Push on the pain now.
I can see the head.
- Deep breaths.
- I can't.
Yes, you can.
That was the most amazing experience of my life, seeing a child being born.
It haven't been born yet, Verv.
I mean, I thought the goats were amazing.
But this is a baby, babes.
The miracle of life.
It's a girl.
Give us five minutes, is it? Here she is.
- Where's my mam? - She's on her way, presh, with Jack.
But I'm here, love.
Don't worry, your Aunty Brenda's here.
Are you really my Aunty Brenda? I'm everyone's Aunty Brenda.
Well, say hello.
This is your new family.
- Aww - Nice one.
Stella, Stella! Emma, you're fired.
No pay and no references.
Now, get out.
Get in the car! - And I said no! - There's no need to shout.
You want to wage war, do you, Aunty Brenda? Bring it on! Sweetheart, listen to me.
It's Katie.