Stella (2012) s03e10 Episode Script

Series 3, Episode 10

It don't actually say you've inherited anything, Al.
I know, but it's about my mother's will.
What else can it mean? So, I'm going to go stay at Jan's for a bit, you know, help settle her in.
It feels like it's going a little bit wrong with me and Michael.
This is Marcus.
He's moving in.
Choose me.
I can't.
Honestly, Mike, you don't have to sleep here.
There's a perfectly good bed upstairs.
I know.
Won't be long.
Dad, will you stop apologising? I know you would, man.
Yes.
Okay, we'll call you on the day.
Yeah, I will.
See you.
- Rob feels really bad.
- So he should, missing his own son's wedding.
Oh, shut up.
He lives in bloody Canada.
We only gave him a week's notice.
This is ridiculous.
- Are you serious? - What? Bobby and Nadine.
What they're wanting to spend on this wedding.
We haven't got this sort of money.
You haven't got any sort of money.
Say, what were we thinking, Luke? Getting married so soon - after the baby? - Zoe, man! Look, leave Bobby and Nadine to me.
I'll go and have a word today.
- Calm the whole thing down.
- Thanks, Stell.
Weddings can cause quite a lot of tension, I'm afraid.
Hey, if I wanted anyone's advice about weddings, butt, - you'd be the last person I'd ask.
- All right, Luke.
Oi, don't take it out on Marcus just 'cause you can't organise a piss-up in a brewery.
- Hang on a minute - Oh, you think you're so fucking clever, - don't you? - Like I really give a shit Just shut up, the lot of you! God! Like a bunch of squawking geese about the place.
Going like hotcakes, these are.
Great.
- Hiya.
- What are you doing here? Just picking up a few things, seeing the estate agent.
I see Jan's given you the car back, then.
Yeah.
Hope it's worth it.
Thought you'd skulk back when no one was looking, did you, good boy? Actually, Aunty Brenda, the situation is a lot more complicated Ah, save it! If you want to go around breaking the hearts of overweight, middle-aged women, then shame on you is all I can say.
By the way, how's that daughter of yours, doing good? Yeah, really well.
Thank you.
Are you dropping Little Alan off on your way? Okay.
- Oh, love, come here.
- Hey? Oh! - Don't get your hopes us today, eh? - Yeah.
And whatever your brother says, don't rise to it.
- I'll be on my best behaviour.
- Hmm.
Oh, Little Alan? You're inside out, sweetheart.
Oh.
- How did we manage without her, eh? - We didn't.
Ha-ha! And so, that's it, in a nutshell.
Your mother revoked all previous wills.
Nice of her to bloody tell me.
And has left you everything in equally divided share.
- I got to say, it's only fair.
- What's fair about it? - I did everything for that woman.
- Oh, here we go.
On the condition that What? you settle your differences and make peace.
She has written an accompanying letter.
"Dear Alan and Alan, "as you know, I am now dead.
"The house should fetch around 120 "and I got 50 grand in my Post Office account, "ill-gotten gains from my days as a male escort.
"Anyhow, you both get half, "on condition you stop behaving like a pair of twats and make friends.
"Alan, I'm sorry about the dog.
"But in all fairness, he shouldn't have come so close.
"So long, Mam.
" - You are so annoying! - Well, you just don't listen, - does she, Stell? - Look.
Can we get on? I'm meant to be picking Ben up from school.
- He's living in a different century.
- There's no telling her! Oh! Thank you, Daddy.
Right.
Luke and Zoe's wedding will take place at St John's church, as planned, followed by a reception at my house.
Well, I've heard it all now.
Everyone can bring a plate of food and a bottle.
- Don't be ridiculous, we're not tramps.
- Bring your own, are you deranged? They've got no money.
I've got no money and that is what's going to happen.
Yes, Daddy, you can still drive them to the church.
But not dressed like a bullfighter.
See, I told you! It was your idea.
You said it was a bad idea? I said it was a bad idea This conversation is over.
If you don't like it, you can lump it.
My God! Please don't take it personally.
It's just, everything was getting out of control.
Look! Surprise! Oh Well, well, fancy you, back from Abu Dhabi.
- What's it like? - Oh, immense.
You got camel racing, dune bashing, desert safaris, dune bashing.
You just said dune bashing.
Nah, they're as good as gold, Dad.
Aren't they, now? Yeah, fair play.
You've never even been to Abu Dhabi.
Boys I work with, we're like a house on fire, like, innit.
And they do speak English as good as me, like.
Right.
Well, look, I got to get on.
Hey, Stell, I heard about you and the new boyfriend.
Fucking hell.
You have had some bad luck when it comes to men.
I know.
'Cause like, I met and married you, didn't I, Karl? I know! - I've got something for you.
- What? Sorry, I don't understand.
Four bedrooms with planning permission to extend the garage.
- It's a house in Chichester.
- I know.
The best part about it is there's a legal practice for sale just 10 miles away.
It's perfect.
You and me, we can set up together without Andy.
- Jackson and Jackson.
- Jan, what on earth are you thinking? - I've already talked to Katie about it.
- You spoke to Katie about it? She's really excited.
Michael, it's a new start.
For all of us.
I won't be long.
Hey, Em! Dad's home! - Is he? - Yeah, for a whole month! What are you doing? Oh, before you start, it was Marcus's idea, okay? - What was? - We're moving in next door.
Housesitting for Michael, just till he finds it buyer.
What, and Michael knows about this? Yeah, of course.
Come on, then.
Oh, you got to admit, it makes sense.
Your house is bursting at the seams.
Stella.
Can I go straight in? I got her some Haribos.
Um, yeah.
Of course.
What are you doing letting Marcus and Emma move into your place? Well, I wouldn't call it moving in, as such Oh, big mates with Marcus Jensen all of a sudden, are you? Well, I thought I'd be doing you a favour.
What, by making it easier for him to have an affair with my daughter? - That's ludicrous.
- Having a man sleep in our bed, - your bed, like it meant nothing to you? - What are you talking about? I know it's quite normal where you live to shout on the street and argue on the doorstep, but round here we're a tad more civilised.
- Boring, I know.
- Okay, leave it, Jan.
Penne or fusilli? Penne, please.
Ugh! I bought you the duvet cover for that bed.
And the lamp! Yeah, well, this is how it's going to be, Collette, and if we're going to make I know that! Tomorrow.
They could stay here.
Okay.
Thank you.
She's letting them stay over tomorrow.
Oh, great.
- They get to meet Abhra! - Yeah.
- You all right there, Little Al? - Yes, all under control.
Anyway, my brother wants to stay in touch.
Is that wise? Oh, I don't know.
He's the only family I got now, apart from Little Alan.
And me.
Madame et monsieur, dinner is served.
Ah! Here we go.
Jus de poi vert avecjus de la carotte.
So, basically this is - mashed-up carrot and mushy pea.
- Alan! - It's cordon bleu, actually, Dad.
- Then where's the pork? - I thought we were having pork! - It's pork-infused, all right? Oh, what's the point? Katie I, um, need to ask a favour.
No, I won't marry you.
Ha-ha, no! I wanted to ask if you'd come to the wedding, like.
Or is it a bit awkward 'cause of my mam? Not awkward for me.
Yeah, I'd love to.
It's so boring being at home all the time, especially with my parents pretending to like each other again.
- I thought they did.
- They think I'm taken in by it but it was easier when they just argued.
My mum's even trying to persuade my dad that we should buy a house in Chichester or somewhere.
Oh! Turning into one of them really fit unemployed people, are you? Ah! Marcus will find me another job.
He's got loads of contacts.
I bet he have.
Mam, I'm sorry if we upset you, moving into Michael's.
It's okay.
But Marcus is a good bloke, you know.
And his marriage was over long before I met him.
You can't know that for definite, Ems.
But I definitely know I love him.
Yeah, well, as someone pointed out to me recently, love isn't everything.
Apparently.
Oh, why am I such a fuck-up? - It's like you said the other day.
- Oh, Mam, I was being horrible.
- Every man I meet I just drive him away.
- And I'm really sorry I said it.
But I really thought me and Michael were different.
We all did.
- He's being a right knob.
- Well, he isn't, though, is he? He's done it 'cause he loves his daughter so much and he thinks he's doing the right thing for her.
And I know it sounds weird but part of me loves him more for that.
It really hurts, though, Em.
Go and talk to him.
You can't just give up after one go.
That's not the Stella Morris we all know and love, is it? Okay, so, it's midday, all the guests are settled inside, including the children.
Well, personally, I think the kids should be banned but what do I know? And so Daddy will open the door And the bride and groom will step out.
- And the groom will offer his arm - And the bride will take it.
Well, of course you shut the door.
But to be frank, no one's going to be looking at you at this point, Daddy.
And in we go.
Hey, Jagadeesh! I know I've been away for a while but bloody hell, your hair have grown.
- Oh, I'm not Jagadeesh.
- Right-o.
You're a girl! I was like, ha! Hey, Karl.
I heard you was back, butt.
Yeah, I am.
I'm back, butt.
Yeah! I know! Ya! Back for the big day.
Hey, what was the stag like? Gutted I missed it.
What'd you do? Lap dancers, paintballing? Lesbians? There was no stag.
- What? - I know.
And I love a stag.
I was seriously disappointed.
I think it's such a quiet do, they don't want a fuss.
Well, we can't have that, can we? So, one more time.
You're walking up Nice, easy pace Turn, look at your guests as you go.
Aunty Brenda and Dai Davies are singing.
And you're enjoying yourselves.
Drinking in the atmosphere, 'cause let's face it, this day will never happen again.
And if it does, you'll be doing it with the guilt of a wrecked marriage and a messy divorce behind you.
- Great.
- And you've arrived.
And the vicar will say Daddy, you be the vicar.
Hey, Luke! What is this about you not having a stag, bewt? I'll just put a load of spray in it and it won't move on the day.
I've got some industrial-strength stuff I nicked from the salon When I had a job.
Hey, I wonder if I'll feel any different when I've got that ring on my finger? I never did with Sunny.
But then, we got married so fast.
You couldn't really call it a wedding.
Maybe you and Marcus will get married one day.
Then you can have a big white number.
God, slow down, Zo.
He haven't divorced his first wife yet.
My dad got divorced three times.
- Did he? - Yeah.
Caused chaos.
Me and my sister never knew if we were coming or going.
That's my dad for you.
Saw what he wanted and went for it.
Didn't really think what he was doing to anyone else.
Bless him.
One big kid, really.
But he's called Dirk.
Who cares what his name is? He's a physio.
And you only have to talk to him today, presh Sweetheart.
- You said "presh".
- No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
- You've gone all Welsh.
- Oh, shut up.
I love you, Dad.
Hey, Katie Jackson.
Give me 15! Hey, Dirk! May I take this young lady away and put her through her paces? Yep, all yours.
Oh, hello.
- Katie's seeing the physio, is she? - Yep.
His name's Dirk.
Okay.
Firstly, you need to know that I am so much better for you than Jan.
- Stella - And secondly, I make you really happy.
And you make me really happy.
Well, not the moment, you don't, 'cause you're being a twat.
But you have done in the past, like.
Happier than I've ever been.
So, I'm asking you one more time to come back to me.
I can't do that to Katie, after everything she's been through.
"Sorry, darling, I made a mistake, "I'm going to split up with your mother again.
" It'd just be cruel.
I've got three children, Michael.
And I know for a fact that one thing any child wants is happy parents.
And right now, Katie Jackson doesn't have a happy dad.
Good boy.
I'll be joining you later, if that's all right, Bren.
Aye! It won't be much of a do but it's better than nothing, eh? Yeah, yeah.
What's going on? Hen night, Stell.
For Zebedee.
Zoe, man.
Glen's sulking 'cause he's got to donkey-sit.
I'm expecting everyone half-six on the dot.
And don't eat beforehand.
Me and Vivienne have done a mountain of food.
The thing about Aunty Brenda is this, she's the most annoying woman I've ever encountered in my whole life, but I also find her strangely alluring.
What, in a sexual way? No, nothing that odd.
- I just really enjoy arguing with her.
- Ah! That's probably because you and Dee-Dee never spoke.
The quietest woman in the Berry.
Aye, so quiet I didn't even hear her go.
Christ! When did your Dee-Dee die, Dai? She hasn't died, man.
She went off with a fellow from Cork.
Oh, thank God for that.
Hey, come on.
We're meant to be having a laugh tonight.
Where are we going next, boys? Great, follow me, monsieurs.
Berry boys, we are here Because it's bedtime and because I told you to.
For God's sake.
They're in a strange house, you can't blame them.
I know.
When we got our own place it'll be much easier, eh? - Yeah.
- I want my mummy.
Hey, come on, you.
How about Daddy reads you another bedtime story? Well, to be honest, I'm quite, you know, down there, since Karl have come home.
Yeah, all right, Nadine.
It's the downside of a long-distance relationship, I suppose.
Well, when I came back to Glen, he was never off the nest.
Where to is your ex, then, Cel? You never seem to mention him.
Oh, he's up north, Cumbria.
Ooh, they got awful strong accents up there, mind.
Like Danish.
Is that why you split up? 'Cause you couldn't understand him, like? Christ, you lot are nosy, aren't you? Who's for a cake, then? - Wow! - Get that, will you, Stell? - I love cake.
- Me, too.
Ta, thanks! These are nice, aren't they? What have you got in them, cinnamon, is it? Yeah, something like that.
Mmm! Don't give me no advice or nothing I just need a catch from my mam.
Oh, presh.
You're having a family Hey! Mike.
- Oh, hello! - On a stag we are, for Luke.
Yeah, of course you are.
I'm just getting a takeaway.
- Come and join us if you want.
- Who's this? Stella's ex-boyfriend.
All right, mate? I'm Karl, Stella's ex-husband.
- You're Karl? - Aye.
Crazy Karl.
So, you and me have got something in common like, innit? We've both been at the same resort, like, just at different times of the year.
All right, Karl, my mother's not a Holiday Inn, Jesus.
Ah, it's not his fault him and your mam split up.
- Yeah, actually, it is.
- Yeah, it is, actually.
Why? What happened? - He went back to his ex-wife - I don't know if this is the place He dropped my mother like a hot stone and rented his house out to my sister and her married man of a boyfriend.
What married man? Didn't you know? Your Emma's shacked up with Marcus Jensen.
What, the hairdresser? Yes! I'll fucking kill him! - Hang on, mate.
- No, Karl, don't leave.
There's nothing you can do about it tonight.
Come and have a curry.
Calm down.
Are you coming, then, or what? No, I can't.
Jan's waiting for the food.
Here, get them to deliver.
Look, the guy's offering you a vindaloo.
Don't kick it back in his face, is it? Last time I felt like this was Glastonbury, 19 Oh, stop saying 19, man.
Why isn't the number 20 called tenteen? It sounds like tenteen if you say it quickly.
Tenteen, twenteen - I'm 19.
- And me.
Fuck off, Nadine, you're not 19.
You're Nadine! Hold on a minute.
You went to Glastonbury? - Yes, and Knebworth.
- Oh.
Respect.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I love this dog.
Are we stoned, Bren? Absolutely mashed, Marj.
- I think marriage is overrated, myself.
- Yep.
And me.
And me.
You've never been married, man.
I was once in Monte Carlo.
By accident.
I've made an absolute hash of things with your mother, Luke.
- Ah, hear, hear! - Yeah, you have.
You have.
But I don't really know what to do about it.
I reckon the Arabs have got the right idea, see.
What's that, butt? Have as many wives as you like.
No favours, just treat them all the same.
That way, everyone's happy.
So, you'd be happy, would you, Karl, if Marcus Jensen stayed married to his wife and had your Emma as his bit on the side? What? Alan.
- You're a genius, butt.
- Oh.
- Where are you going? - Oh, my God, the hairdresser! I got to go talk to Stella.
I got to go hit the hairdresser! No, Karl! Come back here! Karl, you can't.
Come here! So, does life just get more complicated the more older you get, like? - Yep.
And more expensive.
- Oh! Stella! - Michael.
- Johnson! It's Jensen, man.
Stella, I want to ask you something.
Are you drunk? Totally, been on the stag, isn't it? - Have you? - Stella, I've worked it out.
I have found the solution to our problem.
Dad? Johnson! Come out and show yourself! Christ, Karl.
It's Jensen, man.
- What are you doing? - Defending your honour.
- What? - What the hell's going on? Stay out of my daughter, butt.
Oh, my God! - You're an idiot! - What? What? Right, I am going to bed because some of us are getting married in the morning.
Oh, come on.
I only hit him once.
- He went right down, man.
- Ciao, boys! - Bye! - See you, butt.
- So, you were saying? - What I was saying is why can't you and I sort this out between us, hmm? I mean, why do we have to stop seeing each other? - It was your decision, presh.
- I know.
But it doesn't have to be this way.
Stella Morris Yes, Michael Jackson? Would you do me the honour of becoming my secret lover? - What? - Come on, it'll be fun.
It'll be sexy.
You're actually asking me to be your bit on the side? Oh! I don't know.
I just hate us being apart like this.
I really miss you.
Let me stay tonight, please? And what happens tomorrow, hmm? Go back to Jan, do you? Stella Fuck off, Michael.
Stella! - All right? - Yeah.
Morning.
Come on.
Come on, in you go.
Come on, in we go.
Jesus, your father gave him a black eye! - I know.
I'm sorry.
- He doesn't belong - in your chavvy little world.
- Shut up, I'm not chavvy.
Brawling in the streets now, is it? - What are you turning him into? - Emma, get in the car.
You do realise you are destroying this entire family, don't you? Ben! Hiya.
You look really cool.
Thanks, so do you.
We all do, uh Look really cool.
Oh, save the charm, Chichester boy.
What? I got to go warm up.
How does Aunty Brenda know about Chichester? - Sorry, I told Mam.
- It's not definite.
We're just going to look at a house tomorrow, aren't we? Apparently.
We'd better go in.
See you tonight.
But Marcus, it was awful.
The look on her face I thought she was going to hit me.
- It'll get better.
- Yeah, you keep saying that.
Ahhh! Ahh! He really ought to be here by now.
Is this okay? Fuck! You look incredible.
You don't look so bad yourself.
Better ring Daddy and say we're walking.
Otherwise, we'll miss our own wedding.
Please be seated.
We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Luke Kenneth Morgan and Zoe Annabelle Stewart.
I, Zoe, take you, Luke, to be my lawful wedded husband To have and to hold, from this day forward.
For better, for worse.
For richer, for poorer.
In sickness and in health.
Till death us do part.
Till death us do part.
Argh! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! I was thinking, maybe you and me could try a few other numbers out.
You know, Elvis, the Beatles.
Don't push your luck, Dai Davies.
Thanks.
Your dad and my mam are so annoying.
Why do they have to make it so complicated? 'Cause parents are like small children.
So, maybe they need a bit of help.
- Sorry.
- All right, Zo? Thanks.
Hiya! What's this? Rob's paying for the honeymoon? Mediterranean cruise.
Which means we can take the kids.
It's really kind of him, mind.
Fair play.
And Mam, we've decided on a name for the baby.
Not Brenda? - Yeah, right.
- No.
We're going to call her Sophie.
Sophie.
Sophie Stella Morgan.
Oh! Oh! - Marcus - It's not going to work, is it? We're just messing up each other's lives.
And Collette's.
And the kids'.
And in the end, we'll hate each other for doing that.
I know.
- But I love you so much.
- Don't Well, personally, I think it was a huge success.
Apart from the fact the bloody driver never turned up.
He have now.
I hope you've got a good excuse, Daddy Simpson.
'Cause your antics nearly cost us the whole gig! You know, you're actually pretty manly when you're riled.
Ever thought about straying over to the other side of the street, like? Ahhh! So, the other driver was naked? - Yes, that's what put him off.
- Oh, that's absolutely disgusting.
I had a feeling.
Dad! Hi.
- Nice day? - Yeah, it was amazing.
- Even Ben's speech wasn't that lame.
- Ha-ha.
Okay, shall we head off? Mum's expecting us.
- Early start tomorrow.
- Well, go on.
Say it.
- What? - Dad, I know you meant well and everything, coming back to live with us but let's be honest, it's been a bit of a disaster.
I'm trying my best.
- You're meant to be with Stella.
- Katie, I She's right, Michael.
I I thought you wanted us to be a family again? All she wants is for you to be happy.
That's exactly what your mother said, Ben.
She's so annoying, my mam.
Because she's always right.
Okay, everyone.
Um I hope you've all got a drink in your hands because I want to drink a toast to the most important person of the day.
Is that me, butt? What are you waiting for? Cheers, Karl.
I can always rely on you.
Zoe, you turned my life upside-down, back-to-front and inside-out.
And I want to thank you for making me the happiest man alive.
- Stella, I love you.
- Aww.
Friends, family, - please raise your glasses - Give me another chance.
to my beautiful wife - Zoe.
- Zoe! Right, my turn now.
This is called I Carry Your Heart by EE Cummings.
Go home, Michael.
- "I carry your heart" - Pack up your posh car and your sham of a marriage and scuttle off to Chichester or Chessington or wherever the hell it is, because as far as I'm concerned Shh! - "Here is the root of the root" - You and me are finished! "And the bud of the bud "and the sky of the sky of a tree called life "which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide.
"And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.
"I carry your heart.
"I carry it in my heart.
" Mum's doing sandwiches for the journey.
She wants to know if you'll eat corned beef.
Yeah.
Oh, stop looking at me like that.
- Michael! - I'm coming.
Katie just texted me.
They're leaving in half an hour.
So? So, my life won't be worth living if you stay this miserable for much longer.
Look, Ben.
- It's complicated, all right? - No, it's not.
You love him, Mam.
Stop being such a girl.
Apparently there are major hold-ups on the M4 at Reading.
- Right.
- So we may need to divert.
Okay.
You don't mind driving, do you? It's just, I'd rather it, if you know Michael? What's wrong? Have you forgotten something? Yes, um I'm afraid I have.
Come on, come on! Oh, you are joking me! Yeah, all right.
Do you think I want to break down? Moron! You're blocking the road.
Would you like me to get out of your way? Uh, no, I wouldn't.
In fact, I'd prefer it if you never got out of my way ever again.
- Okay? - Okay.
- I've been an idiot.
- No, I've been an idiot.
No, I've been an idiot and I called myself it first, so But I called myself it second, so - Michael - Yeah? Banjo and Tessa.
How would you feel about them having puppies? Worst idea I've ever heard.