Stella (2012) s04e00 Episode Script

Christmas Special

1 I see them at number 58.
They're finally deign to put a tree up.
I know.
It's enormous, innit, Glen? Massive, Bren.
That as may be, but waiting till mid-December to buy one, is shaming.
Hey, what's with the Marigolds, kid? I thought they weren't arriving till Tuesday.
I know, but I want to get it all nice.
And Michael's Hoover have stopped sucking.
It haven't got nothing to suck! You seen inside his place, Marj? Not a stick of furniture.
All 'milimalist' and whatchacall? Minimalist, man.
You know, his parents are coming for two whole weeks.
They'll be bored witless.
I do love it when you talk Arabic.
It really does it for me, that.
Hi, Dad.
I know.
Yeah, of course you'll have your own room, and Katie'll be here.
"Katie will be here" No, not all of the time, but some of the time.
Well, um, we'll see you in a few days.
And tell Mum Pontyberry's just like Wolverhampton.
OK, see you.
Look what I've got.
Mmm! Can you believe it's our first Christmas together? I know.
Now, are you going to wrap yourself up in something sexy so I can unwrap you? Depends.
- Have you been a good boy? - Absolutely not.
Mmm It's Jan.
She's been texting all afternoon.
Jan? What? I'm not at your beck and call, you know.
I do have other things to do besides answer every What? No, Jan, you can't do that Oh, please don't do this.
To give a big shout-out to all the local panto fans.
Do you know your Snow White from your Oh, give it a rest, man, will you? My piping's going skewers.
With me now is Chung Lee, Managing Director of Manchu Tan Electronics, based here in the Cynon Valley.
Mr Lee, your company Manchu Tan Electronics.
We're the best! - Tory scum! - Oi! And your company is looking for a Valleys community to put on a pantomime between now and Christmas eve.
Is that right? We're the best! Yeah, okay, but is it true you'll donate £5,000 to charity for the best panto? Oh, yes, we will.
Okay, so if anyone is interested in taking part, how do they find out more? It's behind ya! Oh, come on, you're just being silly now.
No, seriously, the number It's behind ya.
Oh, God, right.
Um, and that number again, in case you missed it, is 0-1-6-3-2-2-4-4-1-8-8.
Why can't we go skiing for Christmas? In your dreams, Benny boy.
And don't go say anything to Michael about it 'cause he's really upset.
What's Katie say? Well, she's stuck in the middle as usual, isn't she? She was really looking forward to Christmas with her dad, bless her.
She's hardly gonna say no to the French Alps, is she? No matter how much she loves it.
It would be funny if she broke her other leg.
- Ben! No, it wouldn't.
- Hey, watch it, you.
God, she guzzled that down in seconds.
I swear Jack never had an appetite like Sophie.
Takes after Luke, that's why.
He was always like a gannet.
- Nothing's changed.
- Nothing's changed there, then.
- Can babies eat selection boxes? - No! - Wicked, can I have hers then? - No! You can deliver these for me now, in a minute.
Giving out Christmas cards is so lame.
Just send a text.
All right? - Hiya.
- Hiya.
How'd it go today, presh? All right, I suppose.
- It's awful slow though, Mum.
- Yeah, well, it's bound to be.
Ask anyone who set up business on their own.
It's not exactly a business though, is it? Going around to old ladies houses, washing their hair and perming 'em.
Barbara didn't even want a washing when I went there.
Just told me to give her a good brush.
And she made me take the bins out.
I'm more of a carer than a hairdresser.
Oh, love.
30 quid I made today.
Who've opened his advent calendar? - Not me.
- Ben.
Sorry, it was Jack.
He got a bit over excited, he did.
Oh, great.
He did the same thing last week and all, can you stop him, Zoe? I said sorry.
Yeah, well, Abs don't understand sorry, do he? Come on, presh.
Look who it is.
Back from cocking Iraq, are you, Karl? Abu Dhabi.
Aye, back I am.
I'll be after you now, soon as I get that bastard mistletoe in my hand.
What? Eat your cocking face off soon as look at you, beaut.
Best bastard thing about Christmas, that is.
The bastard cocking snogging.
Hello? Nadine? Last Christmas I gave you my heart But the very next day you gave it away - This is - This year - My Dinie! Oh! - To save me from tears Oh, God, I missed your cucumber.
Oh, so have I! I missed you, I mean.
- Oh, come here.
- Oh.
Oh, hang on.
Put your antlers on a minute, babes.
And your nose.
You're gonna be my little Rudolph.
Anyone home? All right? Mum said you'd be back.
Just, uh rocked up now, I did.
Into the town, like.
Benny boy! Come here.
Dad, you look a bit of a dick.
I know.
You should have rung, really, Ben.
Your father and me were just practising some dance moves.
Karate! I brought your Christmas card.
And Mom told me to tell you you're invited Christmas day.
For lunch, like.
Oh, nice one.
We'd like that, wouldn't we, Dine? All the family together, like.
Don't be disgusting.
She said you may as well come 'cause she got a house full already.
And anyway, Nadine eats like a sparrow.
Yes! Well, it wouldn't hurt your mother to take a leak out of my book now and again.
Especially this time of year.
I've never seen no one trough a mince pie down so fast as your mother.
Was born upon this day To save us all from Satan's power When we were gone astray O tidings of comfort and joy Aw, aren't they good? Little Alan, stop clanking a minute.
I am creaming the log.
My piping's going skewered.
I know that Christmas must be difficult for you, like.
'Cause of Liam.
It's when you see families all together, just getting on with it.
Yeah, well, me and Little Alan are your family now.
And I'm gonna make this the best Christmas ever.
We'll have puddings and turkeys and chocolates and stuffings bursting out of our ears.
And I'm going to buy you and Little Al so many presents Alan! Don't go wasting all your inheritance, sweetheart.
I want to spoil you.
- You know what you could do for me? - Name it.
Come with me to church.
Light a candle for Liam.
Of course.
I'd love to do that.
What do you think? Oh, morning, Bren.
Oh, do they want to be shepherds? Only £2 a pop.
Not a cocking chance, Marj.
But what I was going to say was if you were looking for a real baby instead of the cocking doll, this will do it for a tenner.
Hey, I wonder what your parents will make of Marj and Glen.
Have you seen my car keys? Mmm! In the fruit bowl.
Michael, what's Arabic for "Happy Christmas"? Uh, Milad Majid.
Milad Majid.
Ooh! There's a recipe here for baba ganoush.
Stell, this Syrian Christmas thing, a bit over the top, isn't it? Oh, don't be such a mardy arse.
I'm doing it for your mum.
She's lived in the Midlands since the '60s.
I mean, she's even got a Brummie accent Of sorts.
Milad Majid, Mrs Jackson.
You just said, "Happy Christmas, Mrs Jackson.
"May the year ahead be full of little birds.
" Yeah, well, work in progress, like.
See you tonight, my little bana ganoush.
It's baba ganoush.
Listen up, people.
'Tis the season to be jolly.
Or is it? Christmas.
The most busies-est time of the year.
Why? Because most patients coming into A&E are 10 sheets in the wind.
Now, Mrs Wong here have agreed to be drunk, and I'm going to demonstrate how to deal with her in a calm and confident manner.
Start inebriating.
Okay, she've staggered in.
I've noticed.
I'm over.
I'm staring her in the face.
I'm asking her the following questions in a clear and comprehendible manner.
Number one, have you been drinking? Number two, have you wet yourself? Number three All right.
Hush a minute now, love.
Number three, what's the capital of Sweden? If she is unable to answer my questions adequately and to my satisfaction, I methodically and carefully force her to her knees and into the recovery position, like so.
Now, who fancies giving it a go? Stella? Uh Yeah, okay, but I don't really see the point 'cause I'm starting on the children's ward today.
Do what I do, Stella Morris.
Not what I do.
Stella, I need a word, sharpish.
I'm in the middle of a class.
Well, this is more important! Come on, you can nip out for a sec.
It won't kill anyone.
Aunty Brenda is not permitted in hospital outside of visiting hours.
Yellow card, Aunty Brenda.
Yellow card.
This better be important.
£5,000 for charity.
It don't get more important than that, good girl.
- What? - We're putting on a panto, Stell.
I've done it before.
It's a piece of cake.
But I need your help.
I haven't got time to be in no panto.
Good God, I don't want you to be in it.
You can't act to save your life, you never could! - Thanks.
- No, what it is, I need you to help backstage.
Costumes and whatnot.
That Celia will give you a hand.
And you can start off by putting these up around the hospital.
Ooh! Apparently, that Betty Wong do play the piano.
See if you can rope her in, and all.
So long.
Well, in the absence of Aunty Brenda, who couldn't even be bothered to come to her own Christmas do, - I wish all at Dai Davies' Cars - Ah! Thank you.
- and Brenda's Buses - Ah, thank you.
a very merry Christmas.
- Thank you.
- Cheers.
Hey, lads! Come and join us.
Moneybags Al is buying.
- Am I? - Oh, well, I won't say no.
We're celebrating and commiserating all at the same time.
Of course, you handed the business over today, didn't you? Yeah, Simpsons the Undertakers has left the building.
Early retirement, is it, Daddy? Well, it's hardly early, he's 84.
I know.
That That was a joke.
Well, enjoy it while it lasts.
You are on a pink cloud at the moment, old timer.
Same thing happened to me when I left the forces.
But, after a while, reality sets in.
Long empty days stretching out before you.
And you feel impotent.
A failure.
All right, man, Yan, calm down.
- I'm going to the bog.
- Dicks.
Right, come on, what we havin'? Sunny! Hello, stranger.
Bloody hell.
- Hi, mate.
- Long time, no see.
Back for Christmas, are you? Yeah, I'm treating your sister to lunch.
Oh, I get it.
What are you doing here? It's a work's do, like, innit? Oh, right.
Anyway, I'll, uh I'll leave you to your lunch.
Give us a bell, Sun.
- We'll go for a pint, is it? - Yeah, cool.
What's wrong? Can't a bloke have lunch with his ex-wife, now? Not in Pontyberry, you can't.
Oh, I knew this was a stupid idea.
What do you want, Sun? Let's get a drink first, shall we? I think you're going to need it.
- Hey, boys! - When did you get back, bud? Last night, man.
Home till the new year, I am.
Whereto's Nadine, then? Karl, man! Give me a hand with this sodding bear, will you? Sorry, beaut.
I knew we shouldn't have bought it.
It's not for the baby, is it? We just haven't got the room.
You be grateful for what Christmas presents you bloody well get, thank you very much, Luke Morgan.
There's children in Africa that'd give their right arm for a bear like this.
There he is! Karl! I thought it was you! So, you finally decided to join us, did you, Aunty Brenda, for your own Christmas do? What? Good God, no.
I got no time for carousing and whatchacall.
I got work to do.
I'm auditioning tonight.
6:00 sharp.
Stick these on the wall for me, will you, Al? The thing is, Sun, your situation is different.
You don't get to go swanning off around the world pretending you're studying, 'cause unlike the other 21 -year-old medics in your year, you got a kid.
And an ex-wife who needs supporting.
So, I'm sorry for spoiling the dream, but you should have thought about that - when you got me pregnant.
- Whoa All right, calm down.
God, I knew you'd react.
I didn't think it'd be this bad.
What do you expect? I'm scraping around the Berry in my stupid little mobile salon barely making enough to buy shoes for our child.
And you, Mr See-your-son-twice-a-month- if-he's-lucky, and now you're buggering off to India for a year.
You talk about it like it's a holiday.
It's department training, for God's sake.
I don't care.
You're not going.
- End of.
- Emma Do your parents know about this? 'Cause I only saw them this morning and they never said a word Emma I want you and Abhra to come with me.
What? - We're back! - Back home, babes.
What's going on? - Verv? - I need to get away.
- Get away? Where? - No.
I got me a last-minute flight to Penang.
I leave tonight.
Don't be ridiculous.
You have to stop saying no.
You know how I feel about Christmas, Mum.
It abuses my soul.
I gotta go south, like a salmon.
Oh, well, that's nice, I must say.
Ten days I got to do this pantomime and you're sailing off down the Suwannee with a rucksack on your back.
Still, as long as Vivienne is all right.
That's all that matters.
My heart is breaking like a precious mink vase.
Oh, man up, Yanto, man, for Christ's sake.
Come on, Bubs.
I will love you to the ends of the Earth.
And beyond.
To Jupiter.
To Mars.
You better have this, then.
I take it your anti-establishment whatchacall isn't so engrained it stops you from accepting a bit of Christmas cash.
- Well - Yeah.
See you, Mum.
Laters, yeah? I do feel like my soul have been ripped from my chest and thrown to the ducks.
I'm so glad I got put on paediatrics.
I know where I am with kids.
Got three of my own, see.
- And three grandkids.
- I've seen it all, Stella.
Don't know about that, Adam, but you've certainly seen more than most.
A lot of people are scared of children.
God knows why.
It's not like they're gonna bite, is it? No.
Actually, Billy might.
Who's Billy? 11 -years-old.
He's got a brain tumour.
Not looking too bright for him, really.
This will be his third operation in two years.
He can be a bit of a challenge, to say the least.
Ah, well, that's where I come into my own 'cause there's nothing shocks me when it comes to challenging kids.
This is Stella.
Don't go giving her a hard time.
She's a student.
Oh, I'm sure me and Billy are gonna get on just fine.
Aren't we, Billy? Fuck off, you fat cow.
I hope you're not buying that for Stella, 'cause she'd be lucky to even get her leg in it.
I'm buying something nice for Karl.
What? To wear? To look at.
Don't be disgusting.
- All right, beaut? - Hiya.
Now, if I was you, I'd go for Something like this.
It's definitely your best option.
Nice simple lines and it will cover up her rolls of fat.
I quite like her rolls of Anyways, it's not very, um You know, sexy, is it? Michael, Stella Morris is a 45-year-old menopausal woman with an obesity problem.
She won't thank you for making her look like a Reader's Wife.
Hmm I dunno.
What about a nightie instead? - Something like this.
- God, no.
I really like this.
Aye, Stella would look fantastic in that, bud.
Proper dirty, like.
Right, um I'm just not sure about her size.
I'll call her.
She's a size 22 if she's a day.
And I can tell you now, they don't go up that big.
Uh, there's no way Stella's a size 22.
Even I know that.
No, Stella is most certainly not a size 22.
Who wants to know? Oh, um, well I'm with Santa, and he might be buying you some nice underwear for Christmas.
That Santa Claus is an old perv.
Tell him I'm a 16.
Or a 14 on a good day.
Although, I've just been called a fat cow by an 11 -year-old, maybe you should go for the 22.
- What? - Oh, nothing.
I'll tell you tonight after panto auditions.
Oh, sweetheart, are you having a bad day? Not as bad as some people.
I love you.
And I love you.
Uh, excuse me, what have you got in a size 16, please? Why, it's Christmas, man.
Make it a 14.
Nice and tight.
Billy, his name is.
- Took the wind right out of my sails.
- I'll bet.
Thing is, I don't think I'm good enough to work on the children's ward, after all.
I thought I'd be brilliant.
But them nurses, they're superhuman, honest to God.
- Yeah, I know.
- No, really, they are.
They got, like, a sixth sense, and they're so good with the parents, 'cause, obviously, not all 'em kids make it, do they? Well, I don't think I'm cut out for all that.
- Hiya! - All right? Pop your details over there, presh, just in case you get the part.
Is Yanto here yet? Yeah, though he do look proper depressed.
It's 'cause of Verv.
She gone off travelling again, haven't she, Dai Davies? Yeah.
And we're meant to be doing the duet, me and him, but he won't stop crying.
Says his soul is being ripped from his chest and fed to the ducks.
You all right? Stella, has Alan never mentioned it? Mentioned what? What? Well, I had a son, once.
Did he really not tell you? Liam.
He died.
When he was 13.
Celia It's okay.
It's more awkward for other people than it is for me.
Before you say nothing, I got bronze and silver in Mrs Cogburn's drama group when I was 10.
So, I got just as much right to be here as the next person.
She've a voice of a whippet, haven't you, beaut? Linnet.
Whereto do we sign up? - Just there.
- I'm up for Prince Charming, I am.
I thought that was traditionally played by a girl Don't be disgusting.
You never said nothing about lesbians.
How'd you cope? I mean, the thought of my Luke or Ben or Emma How do you even function? Listen For what it's worth, and I had a lot of experience of children's wards Of course you did.
I think you'll get a lot from working there.
But more than that, I think you'll give a lot back.
Kids like Billy need nurses like you.
Please tell me we're not too late.
Some people couldn't find their jazz shoes.
And we've had a right kerfuffle.
What are you doing here? Clearing out my parents' attic.
Abhra's asleep.
Everyone else is at the panto thing.
Which is why I thought you might like some company.
- Sun, I haven't come to any decision.
- I don't wanna talk about India.
I just wanna beat you at Hungry Hippos.
Good tidings we bring To you and your kin Adequate! Now let's hear your speech, please.
- I haven't finished the song yet.
- That as may be, Al, but I got a room full of wannabes waiting, so my decisions have got to be laser-quick.
Okay, um Well, the only thing I know is Lady Macbeth, 'cause I played her in school, like.
I was gonna do that! I was gonna do Lady Macbeth! Nadine, zip it! Or you won't so much as carry a spear.
Commence! Out, out, damn spot! Out, I say! One, two, three, four, five, it's time to do it.
Ooh Hell is murky.
- Fie, My Lord! - Next! Yes! Oh, my God.
I haven't played that for years.
You can tell.
You were rubbish.
Oi! You are my sunshine My only sunshine You make me happy Next! Next! Her name is Rio Next! Next! What? "And when Joshua woke up, he looked outside, and he saw it.
"A set of tiny footprints leading to the forest.
" - I better be off.
- Yeah.
Ben'll be home soon.
I need to think about plane tickets, so, let me know.
Sunny? If I say no, what will you do? I won't go.
Really? Ems I couldn't handle a whole year without seeing my boy Or his mum.
Piece of cheese looks in the mirror.
What's he say? Hello, me! You're a natural, Karl! Next! Out, damn spot.
Out, I say! One, two, why, then, 'tis time to do it.
Hell is murky.
Fie, My Lord.
Next! Who's left? What? It is mental.
How can I be Cinderella? I've never even been on stage before.
Or me? Oh, youse done a little play when you was in prison.
That was role-play, Mum! About serial killers.
It's not exactly Buttons in Cinderella.
Hey, Karl was gutted that Brenda made Bobby Prince Charming, wasn't he? Mind you, he'll make a lovely ugly sister, will Karl.
Yeah, and Dai Davies.
I gotta say, I feel Bobby was really manly as the Prince.
I'm not surprised he got the part.
You're gonna have to kiss him.
Yeah, look out, Luke.
Bit of competition for you there, presh.
Oh, thank God you're back.
Why didn't you answer your mobile? I've been calling you.
Well, it ran out of juice.
What's the matter? What's happened? - It's my dad.
- Oh, my God, have he died? What? No.
He's broken his bloody leg.
- Fell off a ladder.
- Aw, poor thing.
- That's awful.
- It happened at lunchtime.
Stell, I'm gonna have to go up there.
To Wolverhampton.
- What, this minute? - Yes.
- But you can't.
- He's in hospital.
I mean, they're gonna let him out tomorrow but my mum can't drive him, - and my sister's in a kibbutz.
- Oh, of course.
But does that mean they won't be coming for Christmas? Stella, I don't even think I'll be coming for Christmas.
You're joking.
You've got to be here, it's our first one.
I know, and I'm really sorry, but my dad can't walk.
What am I supposed to do? I'll call you when I get there.
Now, just to be clear, you won't be handing out any actual presents as such.
Not even a bar of chocolate? That's rank.
Just take an order from each child, what they're wanting for Christmas and that, say you'll see what you could do, but make no promises, mind.
Then you give mum or dad one of my special leaflets, along with the line, "Perhaps Santa will bring Mummy a new car! "From Dai Davies' Cars, nought-percent finance available, "subject to terms and conditions.
" You can say that last bit if you like, Little Al.
Oh, whoopee.
So, basically, you're using Santa Claus to up-sell.
Hey, some of these cars are a damn good deal, I'll have you know! And they get to meet Father Christmas, don't they? Yeah, and they go away empty-handed! These are the hard yards, Al.
And it's good for 'em to learn early about disappointment.
Anyway, you can't pull out now, you've got customers.
- Turkey crown for Yanto Beed.
- Sorry, George.
- With Verv going - Here she comes! Oh, and Stella Morris is here for her 24-pounder when you're ready! - Uh Actually - Me and Rhys And me, have plucked him within an inch.
It was a 24-pounder, wasn't it? No, that's why I come in.
I changed my mind.
Aw, don't tell me you want a bloody crown just like the rest of Pontyberry! She wants a crown, a crown, - my kingdom for a - Horse.
Yeah, well, Michael and his parents aren't coming no more, are they? And a crown's just - Easier, less hassle.
- Yes, I know.
- Chop him up.
- Chop him up.
Live long.
Sorry, Stell.
This craze for crowns is doing my nut in.
I've got a room full of legs back there with nowhere to go.
How come it's Barry and Rhys who are working for you? - Not a lot of call - For dying over the festive Season.
And their transferable skills, butchery and morticiary.
I suppose so.
Hey, George! I heard you got a load of cocking legs going for a song.
I'll take 'em off you for a fiver.
Turkey's turkey at the end of the day, Stell.
Shove 'em in a saucepan, who's the cocking wiser? No bastard, bastard.
And I want the Z-X version because that's more compatible with my software.
Item 76 A pair of the latest Zoom Shock 3D Luminairole snow boots, with matching headgear and rods.
Item 77 Seriously, this kid's been here 25 minutes.
Her mummy is bored, and Mummy is looking at the cars.
Item 79 A selection of skincare products from the organic apple range.
Item number 80 A remote-controlled helicopter.
- Item 81 - Bloody hell.
- I take it you haven't told Mum yet? - You're joking, aren't you? She'd go mental if she thought I was even considering it.
So, you are? Considering it, I mean.
His Aunty Nina found me a job.
- What? - In this five-star hotel in Delhi.
They got a posh salon there.
What are you waiting for, for Christ's sake? It's a brilliant opportunity, a year in India.
Yeah, a year in India.
With Sunny.
Oh, right.
And you're worried you won't get on, is it? No I'm worried we will.
Hello there, little Abhra! You want to come and meet Father Christmas? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Good! Give that to your mum.
Come on, then.
- Is this a bad time? - Yeah, you could say that.
Sorry, Stell.
Is everything okay? Yeah, it's just, you've been gone a week, now, and I'm really missing you.
And I hate the fact I'm turning into one of them awful, whinging, needy girlfriends, and I'm back on the children's ward today and I don't wanna do it, and, oh, Michael, can't you just come home? Michael? He's doing his best, for goodness' sake.
Yeah, you're not helping! Sorry, Stell.
What did you say? - Oh, it don't matter.
- Let's speak later, yeah? Yeah, if you like.
Dad, you're gonna have to move! Now, Milly, let's sort you out with these tablets, shall we? I know, sweetheart.
For God's sake.
It must be your winning smile.
He really doesn't like me, does he? Well, thank God it's not all about you, then, eh, Stella? I haven't seen the parents yet.
What are they like? They're not around.
Billy's in care.
Is he? His mum abandoned him when he was six months old, no idea who the father was.
His grandmother brought him up.
- And then last month, she died.
- Oh.
So he's taken care of by Social Services.
He's basically an 11 -year-old orphan who's dying of cancer.
Don't really get more crap than that, does it? No.
What are you playing? My son's got one of them.
I think it gets glued to his hands sometimes 'cause he can go days without putting it down.
So I saved up for his birthday and I bought him a telescope.
I thought, "Well, if he's gonna spend hours staring at something, "be better if it was something real, "instead of some stupid electronic screen.
" Oh, just shut up, will you? Sorry.
Billy, I'm not your enemy, okay? And I know it's horrible what you're going through and crap and, like, the worst luck in the world, but I am trying to help you.
I really want to help you.
So you can feel good about yourself.
Have you taken your meds? No point.
Gonna die anyway.
Says who? I heard them talking.
I'm not stupid.
No, you're not.
But you do have a face like a squashed tomato.
Well, you've got a face like a crashed lorry.
Oi! Let me take your blood pressure.
Let me take yours.
I hate hospitals.
Why are you a nurse? Not thin enough to be a supermodel.
Sorry for calling you fat.
It's okay.
120 over 75.
Very good.
Thank you.
- Stella? - Yeah? You got any smokes? Come in, Pontyberry, this is Wolverhampton calling.
Come in, Pontyberry, this is Wolverhampton calling.
Hello, Wolverhampton.
Hello, gorgeous.
What are you eating? Mince pie.
God, I'm missing you.
Yeah, me too.
Nearly drove down there tonight.
Aw, wish you did.
How's your dad? He's fine, old trooper.
It's just my mother.
Michael! Are you hungry? I'm fine.
Doing my head in, to be honest.
Well, that's what mums are for.
You know that little kid I told you about? Billy.
He ain't got a mum.
Or a dad or a gran or no one.
And he probably won't make it to 13.
Oh, God.
We're so lucky, Michael.
Yes, we are.
Oh, cheer me up, for God's sake.
It's meant to be bloody Christmas.
Go and look in the top drawer.
There's a little present in there for you.
Open it And then put it on.
In my day, you got the latest UB40 album and a couple of pairs of socks.
One of them was asking for flying lessons.
Do you know what you are? A grumpy Santa.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, listen.
Are you sure about this? I won't be offended if you change your mind.
No, I want to do it.
Come on.
So, do you like it? Yes, I do.
And does it fit okay? Well, you can be the judge of that.
Well, let me see the rest.
Oh, yeah, that fits really well.
In all the right places? God, yeah.
And turn around so I can see you You know.
- Oh, God, I really wanna - Yeah I know you do.
So do I.
Well, come closer to the camera so I can see your - Oh, Michael - Oh, Stella Oh, my God! She thinks you're a prostitute! Oh, charming! Go on! Away with you! Get away from my son, you evil slut! What's going on? Good God, who's that? He has no respect for his parents' home! - I've dropped me crutch.
- What? No, this isn't Mum, Dad, this is Stella.
This is my girlfriend.
Milad Majid.
- I'm gonna sit down for a bit.
- Okay.
Right, Liam.
How's it going? I'm Alan, I am.
Sorry we never got to meet, like.
What it is I'm your mum's boyfriend.
I hope that's okay with you.
I'm not, you know, a weirdo or a nutter or nothing.
And I just want you to know that I am gonna give her a proper tidy Christmas.
Me and Little Al.
That's my son, by the way.
Same sort of age as you, as it goes.
You'd have liked him.
Anyway Just don't you go worryin' about your mum, okay? I'm gonna look after her.
Because I love her.
I really do.
It can hold the weight of a small car, this thing.
What are you trying to say? That I'm overweight? No.
No! Right, so, in you come, and the dame holds up the dress.
Right, okay.
Cue Dai Davies.
Oh, Mama, that frock is lush.
The crowd will coo and gasp and gush.
Hang on a sec.
That dress is mine.
I ordered it from Trash Online.
Daughters, daughters, calm yourselves, I got two frocks from off the shelves.
Okay, and so you take from the clothes chest an identical dress.
Al, you're gonna have to be quicker than that.
The audience will be falling asleep by now.
Oh, for God's sake, you've ripped it, man! Sorry, it wasn't my fault.
Well, whose fault was it? Sharon Osbourne's? Actually, Aunty Brenda, that's quite funny.
Perhaps we can build it into the routine? Shut it, Dai Davies.
There's only one director here and it sure as Sharm-el-Sheikh ain't you! Yeah, all right, Steven bloody Spielberg.
Uh, when do I get to do the strip tease? I was practising all last night for Nadine.
Weren't I, Dine? - See? - Hang on a minute, though, Karl, love.
I'm sorry, Aunty Brenda.
But when I agreed to play the Fairy Godmother, you said nothing about me flying across the stage on a bit of flipping string! It's not string, it's fucking reinforced metal cable, man! But of course you've got to fly, you're a sodding fairy, for Christ's sake! Well, I'm not doing it! I get impetigo, don't I, Karl? I think it can be fixed, actually.
Hang on a minute, doll.
There's plenty of other people who wouldn't mind flying, me, for starters! I'll do it, I'll do it.
I don't care about the danger.
I've got nothing to live for no more.
All right! Shut it, the lot of you! I can't even hear myself think.
Take five! - Ooh, they look outstanding - Thanks, Little Al.
I had nine yesterday.
Hey, I got Celia a fabulous Christmas present.
Oh! What'd you go for? Necklace? Earrings? I got her this.
- A canoe? - Yup.
Something different, like.
Comes with a do-it-yourself kit, it does, so she can build it from scratch.
In the shed.
And Little Al's doing the cooking.
We're having turkey, goose, duck, suckling pig, roast beef, milk-fed lamb and a pheasant.
Christ, Al, you'll be drowning in saturated fat.
Aye, but it's Christmas, man.
If you can't drown yourself in saturated fat at Christmas When can you drown yourself in saturated fat? Well I am doing a turkey crown.
Hmm? What's wrong with that? A turkey crown? Crowns are for cowards, Stella Morris.
You should be ashamed.
Your attention, please.
Change of plan.
Nadine Bevan, if you refuse to fly, then you give me no option other than to recast.
Yanto Beed, as of now, you will play Fairy Godmother.
Nadine, you are demoted to elf.
- What? Are you joking? - Oh, come on.
You can't do that.
Anyone who's not happy with my decision, the door is thataway.
- Scotty? - Aunty Brenda? Beam him up.
No problem.
Come on.
Let's take it from the Buttons and Cinders song at the start of scene three.
- Fuck.
- Betty Wong.
A-two, three, four.
Till the end of time My love for you will keep on burning Till the end of time I will always be your friend But in my heart I know what's true There ain't no life for me and you 'Cause we are friends But nothing more Nothing more There's nothing more - Nothing more - They're nothing more Nothing more Just friends For Christ's sake, Scotty, man! Lower him, man! Lower him! I'm trying, I'm trying.
I'm all right, Aunty Bren! Ah, Chihuahua! Why am I even botherin'? You're bloody useless, the lot of you.
This whole thing is a joke.
They can give that five grand to someone else.
I wash my hands with you.
Aunty Brenda Aunty Brenda! Well, it's all kicking off at the panto.
Aunty Brenda have resigned, and everyone's in a kerfuffle.
Was she being a mardy arse? Yeah, she was.
So, how you feeling about tomorrow, presh? Frightened.
In case I don't wake up.
Don't be daft.
Of course you're gonna wake up.
You're not allowed to promise me that.
Stella, if I do wake up, like, will you be there? Try keeping me away, Billy Matthews.
I'll be back, now.
Adam, um I need a big favour.
What? Ah, so they sent you, did they? Well, quelle bloody surprise.
Right, you'd better come in.
This is Billy.
He've come for his tea.
Do he want to be a wise man? And smile! Right.
Let's get our spaghetti hoops on, is it? That as may be, Daddy Simpson, but I feel undervalued, overused and disrespected.
Haven't heard from my Vivienne since she went.
Of course.
No idea if she's safe and dry, or being interfered with in some Koh Samui steam room.
I don't know.
I couldn't stand the sight of her when she was here, but now she've gone Yup.
Yes, well I'll sleep on it.
Are you boys all right up there? - Yeah.
- I'll be up now, in a minute.
Hello, Stella.
I can't talk for long, 'cause Billy have come over, and I gotta take him back soon.
Oh, my God.
Stella, I'm sorry.
This is really embarrassing, but, um, my parents have asked me to speak to you about, um, last night, when they saw you, you know In the buff.
Naked as a baby duck.
I wasn't actually naked.
So, this is my dad, Keith.
Hello, Stella.
And this is my mum, Anna.
How do you do? Um They've They've asked that we stop seeing each other.
What? Well, because they think you're a bad influence on me.
Michael? We're joking! We're joking, bub! That's one thing you'll learn about us Jacksons.
We do love a joke.
And a giggle.
We're the Joking Jacksons! Why do you think we called him Michael? Whoa! That's amazing.
And you see that one on the right? It's really big.
Do you know what's weird? What you're seeing now happened millions of years ago.
So, that star isn't actually there any more.
Is it dead? Guess so.
How's it going? Stella, I'm looking at a star, right, and it's still shining even though it's died.
Might be the Star of Bethlehem.
Me and my gran used to call it the Star of Battle Ham.
- Star of Battle Ham? - Battle Ham.
She said it brought good luck.
It was the star the wise men followed to find baby Jesus.
Why didn't they just use a sat-nav? There's something so exciting about coming up here on Christmas eve.
What, even when the weather's like this? Yeah.
Look down at all them houses.
Think of all them people getting ready for tomorrow.
Rowing, crying, drinking and laughing.
Last-minute wrapping and stuff.
Mum, I know you got a lot on your mind at the moment with Michael away and Billy's operation.
But there's something I gotta tell you.
I'm off, then, Aunty Bren.
I don't suppose you No.
I'll let them know.
You can't go.
Are you for real? I'm not eight.
Sunny Choudary to click his fingers and Emma Morris to go running again.
No, he found me a job and Oh, isn't this the bee's knees? But it's a brilliant opportunity.
Luke thinks so.
You told Luke before me? - That's nice.
- Oh, for God's sake! Are you getting back together with him, then? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Don't sound so sure.
Look, I just want you to be happy for me, okay? Well, I'm not! 'Cause you're making a big mistake! Thanks a lot, Mum.
- What's up with you? - Nothing.
Yeah, there is.
You're being mardy.
It's me that's having the operation.
I just found out Emma's going to India for a year.
She's taking Abhra with her.
I'd love to go India, me.
It's haircut time.
Who's gonna do the honours? Well, I reckon we can still do the show.
Even without Aunty Brenda at the helm.
Don't be ludicrous, man, Bobs.
Well, we do know the songs and that.
And the dances.
Yeah, but we've lost our leader, haven't we? Our iron lady.
Our führer.
All right, Karl.
No, "führer", he said, Daddy, not "funeral".
Christ, once an undertaker Let's face it.
Without Aunty Brenda, we just don't stand a chance.
Zoe's right.
The show is over, folks.
Oh, no, it isn't.
She's behind you! Right.
Come on, everyone.
We open in less than 10 hours.
Let's get this show on the road.
Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.
He's coming 'round.
It all went fine.
- Can I go see him? - Of course.
This is just another reprieve for him.
- You know that, don't you? - Yeah.
Not a red card yet, though, is it? Hello, trouble.
You did really well.
Star of Bethlehem watching over me, innit? Yeah.
We all want a big city ending We all want to know it's okay So let's be naive 'Cause today's Christmas eve And tomorrow's just minutes away This song is devoid of all meaning This song's cocking nonsense and tosh So let's raise a cheer To all of us here No matter you're common or posh None of this could have happened today, of course, if it wasn't for our fabulous director, Aunty Brenda! No, no, no, no, no.
Aunty Brenda, Aunty Brenda.
No, no, no, no, no.
Here she is, Aunty Brenda, everybody.
Go and say a few words.
Oh! Oh! I don't know what to say.
It's been a team effort.
And what a team.
And I also want to say that if we do win this competition, and quite frankly, we should, that I want the money to go to the kiddies' ward at the hospital.
My niece Stella do work up there and honest to God, we do all moan and mither about how hard we've got it but we don't even know we're born when you see them lot up there.
So, moment of truth.
Mr Chung Lee, how did we do, kid? Yay! Yeah! Thank you.
Oh, thanks for doing this, Al.
The bloke that was meant to do it got so pissed last night, that he ended up on a cross Channel ferry to Ostend.
Oh, not Crockett from up the way, now? - That's him.
- Aye.
He'd bring the whole Santa fraternity into disrepute, that one.
- Hmm.
- We can't stay long, mind, Stella.
- I got lunch to cook.
- Oh, lucky you.
I've messed up, I have, getting the turkey crown.
I looked at it this morning, it was no bigger than a pastie.
- I did warn you.
- I know.
Very well.
If you can guarantee me no interference, then I'm prepared to cook dinner at your house.
- Serious? - Now there's an offer, eh? Oh, thanks, Little Al.
You two are absolute stars.
Now, let's go and meet Billy and the rest of them.
Father Christmas is here, everyone.
Ho, ho, ho.
Come on, let's have you.
Ah, all right.
What's your name? You got me a present, then, or what? Uh, right.
Well, first off we've got to say a big thank you and drink a toast to Little Alan, 'cause that dinner was immense.
And, secondly, there's quite a few people missing from this table today.
We haven't got enough room for no more.
Either in Wolverhampton Or Bangkok, God forbid.
Or somewhere else.
Anyway, let's drink a little toast, shall we? To all them loved ones.
'Cause Christmas do make us think about them all somehow, don't it? - Yeah.
- Absent friends.
To absent friends.
And, finally Not all of you will know this, but Emma and Sunny and Abhra have got the chance to go to India for a year.
What? When did this happen? - And I don't want them to go - Mum.
'cause I'm selfish.
But, the thing is, life is too short, and it's bloody unpredictable and all.
None of us knows what's around the corner, so Probably best if we grab these opportunities when they come along, like, innit? That's what I said.
Go for it, Ems.
I hope you all have the best time ever.
Thanks, Mum.
- All the best.
- All the best.
Aye, but I tell you what, Sunil Bumindra Choudary, you better look after them two out there, or you'll have me to deal with.
And me.
And me.
Hey! Thanks, Mum.
You know that means the world, don't you? It's gonna be so hard, though, Ems.
Not having you here.
You'll always be my little girl, see.
Mum! It's Michael.
- Hey, gorgeous.
- Hello, sweetheart.
- How was your lunch? - It was nice.
I did a turkey crown in the end.
A turkey crown? Yeah, what's wrong with that? Only cowards buy turkey crowns.
Mine was absolutely delicious.
- I made - Bloody hell.
- What? - I can't hear myself think.
Sounds like you've got a house full.
Will someone get that, please? - Stella? - Oh, for God's sake.
Hang on.
- Michael.
- Yeah? I'm missing you so much.
What did you say? I said, I am missing you So much.
Good job I came home, then.
Milad Majid, Mr Jackson.
Milad Majid, Mrs Morris.
Do you fancy a mince pie? - I thought you'd eaten them all.
- Oi! Look who's here.