Stella (2012) s04e05 Episode Script

Series 4, Episode 5

Let me get you a coffee? Um, yeah.
You do know I've cooked dinner, don't you? Oh, my God! What photo? "I can still taste you on my lips.
" I got drunk and she kissed me, and I Did you kiss her back, Michael? A bit, yeah.
Beyonce Evans of all people.
It's like choosing a dirty doner kebab over a lovely bit of rump.
No-one's ever compared me to a steak before, Al.
Well, it's true.
Michael Jackson's a fool.
Yeah, you're right about that.
At the end of the day though, Stell, it was only a kiss.
Only a kiss?! I mean, Karl had the odd snog, didn't he? Christmas dos and that.
Yeah, and Karl went off with a younger, slimmer model - thanks for pointing that out! All I'm saying is that Beyonce Evans is trouble and you're worth a million of her.
Are you going to throw it all away just cos of one stupid kiss? And he was drunk.
Why do men always think that's an excuse? Don't get drunk if you're going to behave badly.
I know what you're saying, Al, I just want to make him suffer a bit longer, so he don't do it again.
How long now you been giving him the silent treatment? Two and a half days.
Oh, Christ, you're stubborn.
Hey, do you think they did tongues? Alan! I only ask cos I've heard hers is pierced.
Ugh, nasty.
Bits of food in it and everything.
Ych a fi! Dai Davies for office.
Dai Davies for office.
Dai Davies for office? Morning, Dai.
What's all this? I'm standing for the local council.
If you want things doing round here, you got to do it yourself.
How's your Nadine doing? Oh, proper glowing she is, like a beautiful, pregnant lighthouse.
Dai Davies for office? Leaflet? No, you're all right.
Luke says you're looking for work.
Aye, I'll do anything, I will, so long as I'm paid.
And I mean anything.
Well, I could do with some help on the campaign trail.
Ah, nice one.
Dai Davies for office? Did you pack the spare duvet for Jack's room? Yes, and the sheets.
What time is it? It's time we moved out.
I'll get these two in the car.
Come on, mate.
Can I give you a hand with anything? No, you're all right.
Bye, Jack! You off already? Yeah.
I'll be over after.
Number 25, isn't it? Er 21.
Morning! I'll bring the ironing board and that ceramic egg bowl shaped like a hen.
Give me a shout if you need anything else.
See you soon then, Michael.
Thanks, you know, for letting us stay.
You make it sound like you're emigrating.
Sort yourselves out, you two, is it? I walked your dog.
Oh, at last, the lady speaks.
Have a wash, for God's sake.
You look rough as a bear.
What else? You need one of them big buses with your face on - a Dai-mobile.
It worked for Hitler.
I'd rather not be associated with Hitler, if it's all the same to you.
What are you standing for anyway, good boy? Someone's got to speak up for the underclasses, the little people So it's nothing to do with having your planning application turned down? On a whim! Rhodri bloody Bevan only had his application approved cos he's on the council! I had big plans for this place.
And the truth comes out! This is all about expanding your precious car lot.
This car lot benefits the whole community.
And your wallet.
People will see straight through it they won't vote for you not without my help.
We'll see about that.
This have got some lovely baby stuff.
See? Oh, fair play.
That one'd go lush in the nursery.
We're having fuchsia throughout, with a mural of badgers on the main wall.
How you going with names? Blayde with a Y if it's a boy, and if it's a girl, Aprycot with a Y.
Full English for Michael.
Better get back to it.
Order for Michael Jackson! This place doing self-service now? Surprised to see you showing your face in here after what you done, kissing another woman like that.
It's not as if Stella's ever going to find someone else at her time of life.
You're supposed to take the order to the customer.
I am with child.
What's that smell? Coconut butter, for the stretch marks.
Slathered in it, I am.
You're only three months gone.
What've you stretched? Sorry about Nadine.
Obviously she's, you know, pregnant and so on.
Have you seen Stella? Aye.
She haven't quite melted but she's started to defrost, like.
You're just going to have to be patient, bud.
Oh! Tight shoes.
Tight shoes? Wear a pair of shoes a size too small, they'll hurt so much, take your mind off things.
That's very helpful.
Nadine? Customer.
Good morning, everyone! How we doing? All right? I'm Dai Davies, running for council.
I have to say you're all looking very well and I hope I can count on your support in the forthcoming What are you two doing in here?! Visiting the sick.
Like Jesus.
No, not like Jesus.
I wanted to give something back to the community.
Spread the love.
He's doing a Lady Di, isn't he? A Lady Dai-Davies.
Get them bouquets out of here! What's wrong with flowers? What is wrong is the pollens.
Bring them in here and, before you know it, this whole ward is going to be full of coughing, inflammations and crying.
Geraniums? Ha! Well, you may as well start swinging a machete around.
So, take your deadly angiosperms and leave! Come on, son.
We'd better go.
Yes! Get off of my ward and take your instruments of murder with you! Oh, my God, Mr Campbell! Quick, get the crash cart! Lily, I really like you and that, and I think you're immense.
Will you go out with me? What was that? Where's your passion? Women want to be romanced.
Yeah, like you're an expert.
Just hurry up and get it over with.
I'm getting well bored of you going on about her.
You could do it for me.
You want me to ask her out for you? We're not in infants.
I just want to know if she fancies me, that's all.
If it shuts you up.
What are you two losers gossiping about? Video games.
So, which is it? Both.
Sounds confusing.
Yeah, it was.
See ya! That was weird.
Don't look at me.
It'll take more than flowers, Michael Jackson.
But it's a start, right? Yes, it's a start.
I was wondering if you'd be free for a drink tonight? No, I won't be.
I said you should've accepted my help, but you go off half-cocked and almost end up killing a man.
Is it all right if I head off now? Like rats deserting a sinking ship! It's just, we moved house today and Go, you.
Why do I even bother, huh? Well, that's a defeatist whatyercall if ever I heard one.
What you need is someone who knows what makes the public tick, someone like me! You offering to be my spin doctor? Do we need to put a label on it? I scratch your back and one day soon, you can scratch mine.
Scratchee, scratchee, catchee squirrel.
I suppose it couldn't hurt to have some help.
Good! If we're going to turn this around, we got work to do.
So, how do we transform a spectacle like Dai Davies into a great leader? He could buy everyone a pint? Course, all great leaders are forged in battle.
Owain Glyndwr! Who? The bloke that led our lot in the Battle of Pontyberry.
He's our first national hero, man.
Oh, like Gareth Bale.
Exactly! And the Pontyberry Historical Society are putting on their annual re-enactment this weekend.
It could be perfect.
I'll make some calls.
Calls to who? What's going on? What do you think's going on, Dai Davies? You are going to war.
See you tomorrow! What's tomorrow? She's coming over to do coursework.
You were meant to ask about me! I tried.
She started going on about assignments.
It needs to be subtle.
Don't be too subtle or you end up not asking! Give us a bit of that.
No! It's a disaster.
The jus didn't reduce properly, it's over-seasoned and the apple completely washes out the flavour of the meat! What is it? A pork pie.
Just give it here, Nigella.
Come on, come on! '.
is losing ground On the inside 'is not making a lot of headway And Conway' It's not your day, is it, son? It never is.
How much you lose? What's it to you? Could lend you a few quid, if you need it.
Yeah, and why would you do that? Listen.
It's nothing to me.
Pay me back when you can.
I own this place, so you'll know where to find me.
I will pay you back.
Oh, I know you will.
Dad, is it all right if a friend comes here tomorrow to do some coursework? Who's this then? Well, she's called Lily.
Oh, Little Alan have got a date! No, he haven't.
Course you haven't.
I won't tell no-one, your secret's safe with me.
She literally is just a friend though.
Keep telling yourself that and you're going to get in trouble.
Have you considered protection? What? There you go, all fixed.
Aww, thanks, Scott.
I'd better get off, got to put up a shelf at one of my other places.
Ta-ra, then.
All right, beaut? Hiya, Scott.
Nice tats.
Mam, what you doing staring? It's embarrassing.
I wasn't! What's all this? Been having a clear-out.
She's giving away half our kitchen and all our Pot Noodles.
They're a month out of date.
When are you going to put sofas in here? It'd look better with sofas.
I've been picking out furniture today, as it goes, haven't I, Luke? Yeah.
Well, you sure you can afford it? Cos I got a sideboard you can have for nothing.
Stop giving away our house, man! Anyway, it's sorted.
I made a big sale last week.
I thought that went on the deposit? Yeah, some of it.
Don't go on! Sorry.
Look, it's been a long day.
No! Not the pizza wheel! How we going to cut pizzas now? Scissors.
Have you gone mental? Attention, everyone! As you know, tomorrow afternoon the Pontyberry Historical Society is holding their annual whasnim.
Now, they're a bit short on numbers, so we're looking for some souls to help re-enact our finest hour, the Battle of Pontyberry.
There's a free bar afterwards for any volunteers, courtesy of Dai Davies.
You cockin' had me at free.
I quite fancy this.
So go! Me and Little Alan can look after the cafe.
And anyway, your son've got a date, he don't need you hanging around like a deranged stalker.
For the last time, it's not a date.
So, Ben's staying at his dad's tonight? He didn't want to.
Said Nadine keeps looking at him like he's being sized up for a nappy.
And Luke and Zoe are all settled in? You didn't really come here to make small talk, did you, presh? No.
No, I didn't.
So, how do we put all of this behind us Stella? We don't, cos I am going to bring it up every single time you do something wrong.
Women - worse than bloody elephants.
Seriously though, Michael, what were you thinking? Oh, I don't know.
It just happened.
One of those random moments of insanity.
Well, you're an idiot.
I know I am.
Cos every relationship gets a free pass, a 'get out of jail' card, and you go and waste yours on Beyonce Evans.
What free pass? You know You're allowed to kiss someone else, just once, and get away with it.
Anything more and you're on your bike, literally, in your case.
Don't mention bikes.
Well, go on, then.
Who would you use your free pass on? Well, I got quite a long list, as it goes, but my top three Have you?! .
would be Robert Plant, Jason Orange and Denzel Washington.
But if I was going to go local, Scott Quinnell.
Scott Quinnell? He's fit, he's loaded And he's your son's landlord - I'm sure that's a conflict of interest.
He's a qualified plumber n'all, I'd get him round to fix my sink.
"Oh, Scott, you got your shirt all wet.
Take it off, presh, and I'll pop it in the dryer.
" Then I'd push him up against the wall I thought this free pass was just for a kiss? Yeah, of course it is.
I'm only joking.
Truth is, Michael, I don't actually want a free pass .
cos there's no-one else I want to kiss .
only you.
I love kissing you.
And I love kissing you.
So am I the best kisser in the world? Yes.
Right answer.
You're forgiven.
But mess up again, good boy, and it's curtains for you and me.
Where are you going? Taking you to bed.
Got to make up properly now, haven't we? It's all coming together! I been on to the Pontyberry Gazette and they're sending down a reporter and a photographer with a camera! A photographer with a camera! We'll have to make sure you're ready for your close-up.
These new digital cameras can be so unforgiving.
How goes the make-over? Meet the new Dai Davies.
Good Lord, you've gone and embalmed him.
What the hell you done to me?! Auntie Brenda said we need to make you look younger to court the youth vote! I'll court them some other way.
I'll give out free promotional Frisbees or something.
You mean freebies.
No, Frisbees! I got a business associate who can get Don't talk! It'll clump in your wrinkles.
For Pete's sake, get that muck off his face.
You've turned him into a red squirrel.
This could take a while.
Don't tell me you two are back together.
Nah, it was just a one-night stand, wasn't it, presh? I don't need to know about your deviant nocturnal fumblings.
What do you want, Auntie Brenda? It's the Battle of Pontyberry this afternoon and we need bodies.
Matter of fact, the English chief have just dropped out - he got a cold sore or something.
Anyway, we need someone to lead them to defeat.
I don't know, it sounds a bit violent.
It's for charity, man! The Petunia Trust.
Or do you want people to think you're uncharitable as well as an adulterer? Go on, I'll dig out my sexy medieval wench costume from Halloween.
I think I'd look better in a suit of armour.
For me, obviously.
Well, in that case, I'm in.
Maybe this time, the English will win.
Dream on, good boy.
You can't rewrite history What the hell happened to his hair?! Nutmeg symphony, takes years off.
I look like an idiot.
You look like a leader.
Where's my battle axe? Don't even go there.
What does being a homeowner have to do with getting a loan? I only need £2,000.
What, and that's it? There's nothing I can do? Yeah, well, thanks for that.
I'm beyond excited, I am, Luke.
Always wanted to be a Roman.
You all right, are you, bud? Yeah.
Yeah, it's fine.
I am Spartacus! Ancestor of mine was in the Battle of Pontyberry.
I can't imagine what it was like - all that fighting and shouting.
The carnage must've festered in their bellies like stagnant water from a pond.
Makes you think.
They stared death in the face and never flinched.
Heroes to a man.
This bloody codpiece is cutting me in two.
You took your sweet time! Yeah, couldn't do my corset up.
All right, Dai? All right.
You look amazing.
You don't look so bad yourself.
I can barely breathe though.
Well, I did always have that effect on you.
Watch yourself in that thing.
If your head gets any bigger, you'll never get it off.
I'm glad we're friends again.
Me, too.
I'm surprised to see you here.
I'm leading the English army.
Ah, I thought you'd be more the traitor type.
Oh, stop your nonsense! And that goes for the rest of you.
We've called a truce, me and him, all right? Always like a happy ending, me.
Yeah, and me.
Can't be doing with conflict - gives me acid.
See you on the battlefield then.
Oh, Jesus Up the English! Cymru Am Byth! In your dreams! What's that? I thought you might like to do your coursework surrounded by a little romantic ambience.
Oh, for God's sake! No need to bite my head off, Little Alan.
I'm only trying to help.
Like I told you the last seven times, she isn't here yet.
Is that her? No, it's Ben.
She's here! Your girlfriend is here! She's not my girlfriend! Sorry, give me one second.
What does she mean, girlfriend? Ben Morris! Phones are anachronistic.
Give that back! Not till after the battle.
This is an historically authentic event.
If you start using your phone, what's to stop someone flying around in a helicopter, firing off AK-47s? Deserter! Armies, take your positions.
I want to see a good, clean fight today.
No kicking, no punching, no biting.
But remember, that cross of St George on Michael Jackson is a target.
Double top.
Come on! I speak to you, my fellow countrymen, to say no more will we tolerate the unruly Welsh! Today, we fight back! You've forgiven him then? Yeah, had to, sooner or later.
It was getting sadistic.
Plus, I was desperate for sex.
Thanks for coming, everyone.
Today is about bringing our electorate together as one - that's my goal as councillor.
Unity for Pontyberry! Oh, that's good, that's good.
So, without further to do, I do declare this re-enactment open! Armies ready? Hold your line! Don't charge until you see the whites of their eyes! Let battle commence! Wait for me, I'm your leader! Get in there! Get back! You're going to die today! All right, Yanto, it's just a bit of fun.
Any chance we could put a light on? Listen, Lily I've not been totally honest about why I invited you over.
Hang on.
Look, I really like you, but just as a friend - nothing else.
I don't like you either! No, I mean You Jezebel! Coming in here, leading on a poor dumbstruck boy! Excuse me? Well, if you can't see his potential, then you don't deserve to be with him while he blossoms.
Yeah, I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to go.
Lily, wait Leave it! You're better off without her.
Hi! Bye.
What happened? Go on, Michael! Shouldn't you be supporting the Welsh? Aw, the English need all the support they can get, bless them.
Go on, Alan! Michael?! Oh, my God! Mike! You are kidding me.
Oh, shit.
You OK, babes? What the hell are you doing here?! Get your bloody hands off him! What? I've had my hands on him more recently than you have, love.
In your dreams.
Stella, ignore her.
Let's go home.
Aargh! Listen, good girl, Michael've told me what happened, OK? How you threw yourself at him, like the piece of cheap Pontyberry trash that you are Stella .
but one kiss don't mean nothing.
And he didn't even enjoy it, OK? So tootle off, now, and find yourself some other poor bloke to annoy cos this one is mine and you are not having him! But I have had him.
Haven't I, Michael? She's insane, Stella.
Seriously, she's psycho.
He come to my house while you were "having coffee" with your boss.
Yeah, right.
And I've shagged the life out of him, didn't I, babe? Shut up! Shut up! And for the record, it was gorgeous.
Oh, I can see what you see in him.
Michael, tell me she's lying.
Oh, God, I feel sick.
Stella You fucking bastard! I will never, ever forgive you for this! I hate you! Mam! Stella! Get away from me! You are so dead.
Luke, just a minute.
Why has he done this to me?! I don't know, love.
I don't know.
Let's get drunk, is it? For God's sake, somebody do something! They've gone feral.
Show some leadership, good boy.
Come on, lads! Don't do this now.
There's a time and a place for fighting and it's not in the middle of an historical battle re-enactment! That's enough, Lukey boy.
Come on, come on! Leave it, leave it! You should be ashamed, Luke Morgan, fighting like a prison cat in front of all and sundry! OK, everyone, show's over, yeah? Ah, it's a fiasco.
Come on.
Come on, Mike, let's get you home.
I told you to get away from me.
Babes, it's out in the open now.
So what planet are you on? I don't want you, I want Stella! You didn't want her last week when you were in my bed.
I think you better leave now, is it? What's the problem with men like him, Al? Pouring on the self-pity so they can get their dirty little way and then thinking they can go crawling back to their dried-up old girlfriend like nothing happened.
OK, enough! You say what you want about him, but don't you say a word against Stella Morris.
Enjoy your pipe and slippers, old man.
Al Hiya, Celia.
Oh, my God, you couldn't have timed it better.
I'll be there in the shake of a lamb's! More? I'll have yours if you don't want it.
Hey, I might look like a lightweight, but I'll drink the two of you under the table.
Just you wait.
Iechyd da! Bottoms up! Up your bum! Good, drink up.
Enjoy yourselves! Hiya, Dai Davies for councillor.
Enjoy yourselves.
It's amazing what a free bar can do! There you are, they've all forgotten the fighting now and whatyercall.
Coming through, coming through.
Another pint, Al? It's all on Dai Davies.
I'm all right, bud.
Need to keep a clear head in case I got to pick the girls up, like, you know? Aye.
Poor Stell.
She deserves better.
Didn't you cheat on her an' all? Like I said, she deserves better.
What the hell's this? Who are these? Where'd they come from? Did you invite them? This lot are too young to vote anyway! It's never too early to make an impression on the next generation of voters, Dai Davies.
Oh Hello.
All right? Well, well, I never knew you were in my gang, Scott.
I'm not.
I own the club, don't I? God, you own the whole of Pontyberry, you do, Scott Canal! Quinnell.
What? Quinnell Oh, it don't matter.
Hey, Scott, will you do me a favour? What's that beaut? Little experiment, like.
Fucking hell! I just needed to find out.
Excuse me, gents! Oh, you need to project a bit! Stop all that mumbling and squeaking.
Thanks for coming, everyone! If I could just have your attention for a moment.
Oi! You lot! Dai Davies is trying to speak! Have some cockin' respect! As I was saying, We've all had a fun time, but it's last orders at the bar now What's the matter with you?! Form a queue! Form a queue! All right, I'll be there now.
It's all getting a bit mach here, to be honest.
You bunch of animals! Quick as you can, presh.
I think Celia's had enough.
Alan's going to come and get us.
Love you, Alan! I'm not drunk! Yeah, she is.
See you in a bit.
How did we get in here? Ladies only! I don't see no ladies! Rude! And anyway, I'm not using the gents.
Filthy sausages - you don't know where they've been.
I am the worst friend ever invented.
I should be looking after YOU.
Oh, shut-up, man.
I've had a brilliant night sort of.
Either of you got a screwdriver? I can't get this bloody codpiece off.
I'm obviously not cut out for politics.
You gave it your best shot.
We can't all be a Mussolini.
Well, I quit.
The whole thing was a complete waste of time.
So that's it, is it? You're going to abandon the people of Pontyberry, just like that? Yep, I'm out.
I'm done.
Then you leave me no choice, Dai Davies.
What you talking about? You may not have the whatyercalls to run for office, but I do! And if you are standing down, then Auntie Brenda's standing up! Look out Pontyberry, I got me an election to win! Nice to see you.
OK, just coming through.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Leave it! And a very good evening to you, too.
Oh, there he is! There's my bush baby! He's not a bush baby, he's a bear! He's a big, bad bear.
All right.
Everyone, this is my big, bad bear! There you go, there we are.
"This is my big, bad bear!" Dear God.
Not Scott.
I own the fucking club, all right?! Ta-da! What do you think? I got too much, didn't I? We can always send it back.
Forget it.
It's here now.
I had to get money out for the deposit.
We're going to need to top it up or we'll go into the overdraft.
We really can afford it, can't we? What do you think I do all day long at the car lot? I know.
So, did you win today? Yeah.
Thrashed 'em, we did.
Luke, what's happened? Nothing.
I don't want to talk about it.
Right now, I just want to sit here on my new sofa and enjoy this beer in front of my new telly.
You must be knackered.
We're so lucky to have you taking care of us.
Got to say, I'm gutted about you two, I am.
Proper gutted.
I'd really gotten to like Michael.
Thought he was solid, you know? Yeah.
Didn't we all? You're one of my favourite people in the world, you are, I want you to know that.
And you're one of mine, presh.
Every woman should have an Alan Williams in their life.
See ya.
Hey I kissed Scott Quinnell tonight.
Why? Dunno.
Thought it would make me feel better.
Did it? Stella.
Before you have a go, just hear me out.
I've thought it over and I know nothing I say can make it better.
I know you'll never trust me again and I know I've probably ruined the last good thing I had left.
But just recently it's felt like I'm some I don't know, some passenger in my own life and there's this this self-destructive maniac at the wheel and, bit-by-bit, he keeps crashing into everything that's ever meant anything to me .
my career, my house, my reputation and now you.
It's late, Michael.
This was the only relationship that I've ever felt truly happy in.
I love you so much, Stella.
Please don't give up on us .
because it's all I've got left.
You had sex with another woman, Michael.
There's no coming back from that, is there? One more chance, just Just one.
And I will never, ever hurt you again, I promise.
We were having such a nice time.
Why did you have to go and ruin it? I'll do anything, Stell.
Just Just tell me what I have to do.
What you have to do is leave.
It's over now, presh.
I'm sorry.
A vote for Auntie Brenda is just like voting for your auntie! Yeah well, life's too short and all that.
We could go for a meal.
Dan Brackstone, nice to meet you, mate.
Weird, that's Celia's surname.
Well, we were married for 20 years! Just because you're jealous of me and Michael.
I feel sorry for you.
You're pathetic.
I'm pathetic, am I?!