Stella (2012) s05e02 Episode Script

Series 5, Episode 2

Beyonce Evans is having your baby and you won't talk to her or see her or even acknowledge it's happening.
It's been so brilliant seeing you tonight.
You gonna walk me home then or what? Well, can you keep her in a cool place for a couple of days? AUNTY BRENDA: You'll never guess what he do do for a living.
Knock me sideways on a seesaw! Accuse me again and I'll walk out of here and never look back.
My only interest is the welfare of my son, do you understand? Yes, I understand, okay.
(VOCALISING) And then she smiles And my heart starts beating I go weak inside Na na na na na na Na na na STELLA: Do you know what? You can keep your French Riviera and your banks of Lake Windermere.
Give me sunny Pontyberry any day of the week.
-Christ, you got a lot of courgettes.
-(CHUCKLES) -Thanks.
-(SIGHS) -What a beautiful day.
-Mmm.
-Perfect for a car boot sale.
-Yay! Oh, come on! I've paid for the pitch now, and, anyway, you never know, we might actually make some money.
Another 80 quid and I can get the exhaust fixed on the car.
Let me pay for it.
Read my lips.
You haven't got no money.
Read mine.
Nor have you.
Anyway, I'm slowly paying off my debts.
Yeah, well, you're not out of the woods yet, and until you are, its car boots and competitions for us, my boy.
Hey, Mike, I got some more donkey dung down by Herbert.
(SNIFFS) Beautiful stuff.
Shall I sling it on? -MICHAEL: Right.
-(CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLING) (CRACKING) (MOBILE RINGING) Ivan Schloss, International Director of Funerals.
Ivan Schloss speaking.
Yes, I remember.
Well, yes, but as the other day I explained, we're not yet open for the business, sir.
Of course.
Of course.
Of course.
No, please.
Do not yourself upset.
Where may I locate the deceased? (WHISTLING) (MOBILE RINGING) (GASPS) You know, I'm still waiting for you to walk me home.
Look, what happened was, I was meant to go on holiday, right? And my stepmother turned up, -and I couldn't find my -BEN: Little Al! Anyway, see you around, yeah? What? You doing your Ponty scrambled eggs? Yeah, if you want.
I love being single.
It's the best thing that ever happened to me.
I can see why you like it so much.
-Right.
-(MOBILE RINGING) It's Cerys Ferris, lives in a terrace.
-Oh, just leave it as is, eh? -What's she doing ringin' you for? What? I don't know, she's just Oh, my God! Has she actually got a thing for you or something? Oh, probably best to leave it out.
-All right? -God! Oh! Er, is Little Alan there? -No, he's not.
-Yes, I am! Listen, love, you're really nice and that, but Little Alan's not interested.
So do yourself a favour and leave him alone, yeah? (LINE DISCONNECTING) Don't think you'll be getting no trouble from her no more.
BEN: Hey, Bobs.
Little Al's doing breakfast.
What's up with your face? I don't know, you look clean or something.
Yes, well, the old Bobs is back, and I've got no time to eat, I've got detecting work to do.
Ready then? I done a flask.
What in the name of James Dean Bradfield you two doing this time of the morning? Lovely day! Creepin' home and what-you-call! I reckon Stella Morris and our Michael Jackson have been having it off all night in his shed.
It's disgusting.
Especially after going to a christening.
Fair play.
Genevieve have definitely got my mam's forehead.
How would you know what your mam's forehead looked like? She's been botoxing it for 20-odd years.
There's nothing left of the original.
You feeling fruity, babes? Not in front of the baby, man, Karl.
What do you think I am? A lap dancer? Oh, I reckon she'll drop off now in a bit.
Good.
Which means, er, you and me can nip upstairs for half hour.
No, Karl.
Oh, Dine! It have been months and I've had nothing! Not even a little nosh! I'm back on the rigs tomorrow.
A man has, you know, needs, like.
I told you, Karl.
I'm not tucking into no blackberry pie and custard with a baby asleep in the house.
It's disgusting.
AUNTY BRENDA: Well, all I can see is a sign saying ''open soon''.
Fat load of good that is.
BOBBY: He haven't got nothing in the window.
No coffins, no headstones, no nothing.
Give 'em here.
For God's sake! -Yup! -What? I think the eagle have just landed.
Wait there.
Oh, Aunty Brenda, be careful.
We know absolutely nothing about him.
He could be North Walian! (GASPS) Oh, good God! May I assist you? -What? No.
I was just -Then please, excuse me.
This is a very delicate procedure.
-jeez, he was a big 'un.
-I've had bigger.
Do you want a hand, butt? 'Cause I don't reckon you'd manage this on your own.
No, no.
I have it all under control.
Well, yes, actually, if you do not mind.
Here you are, I'll take her tail end.
Ooh! Oh! This'll be what-you-call Parker, I should imagine, is it? From up Upper Mega Road? Belonging to St Pike? I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to reveal identities of the deceased.
If you could just go in at more of an angle? That's it.
You won't have to bend.
(GRUNTS) No, I fear she plays not ball.
Let us take a breather.
(GRUNTS) Turn her around.
(PANTING) I have maybe been a little rash, taking on new customer when I'm not up and running, so to speak.
Ivan Schloss, International Director of Funerals.
Aunty Brenda, friend of the people.
Ooh! KARL: Hey, Stell, can I ask you something? A car boot sale is not somewhere you go to buy a car boot.
(LAUGHS) No, no, no.
Although, I did used to wonder.
No, what it is, er, me and Dine, um, we still haven't, you know, done it, like, since the baby.
-(MICHAEL WHISTLES) -Shut up, Michael.
I mean, you were the same, weren't you, after Ben? Didn't want me nowhere near you.
Well, yeah, but to be fair, that's 'cause I'd found out you were shagging someone else.
Yeah, okay.
Minor detail.
But we just need a bit of time on our own.
So, I thought I'd do Nadine one of my special baths with Nutella in it.
-Nutella? -Yeah, get her in the mood, like.
Yeah, it sounds fantastic, Karl.
Aye.
But we need a bit of privacy, like.
So, I was wondering if you could babysit Oh, don't even think about it! A car boot is no place for a baby.
-(GENEVIEVE CRYING) -That should hold.
For a bit, anyway.
-Thanks.
-Mam! Oh, how are you, presh? -Glad I caught you.
-All right, butt? Yeah, all right.
Got a lot of stuff here.
Could be worth a few quid.
Aw, not your signed rugby shirt! Yeah, a collector's item, I reckon.
You don't want to sell it, you was dead proud of that.
Mam, I'm skint.
Hey, Luke, you couldn't do us a favour, could you, butt? I ain't babysitting, Karl, probably ever again.
Ask Ben to do it.
-Ask Ben to do what? -(GENEVIEVE CRYING) Oh, really? BEN: Oh, come on, please.
(LAUGHING) You are hilarious! It is brand new.
All right? This mouthwash have been used, have it, Stella Morris? What? No, course it haven't.
What's the catch? Out of date? April of next year.
So, what's your refund policy? Oh, for the love of Mike, it's half a dozen bottles of mouthwash in a car boot sale.
You don't want it, move on.
And that goes for you too, Betty Wong.
Very well, I'll give you £10.
Not a penny less, not a pennyless.
Make it £15 and I'll throw in a bottle of toilet cleaner.
Done.
Oh.
-Bit of a natural, aren't I? -Mmm.
How much for this? Oh, actually, that's not for sale.
-Yes, it is.
Luke wants you to sell it.
-No, he doesn't.
-Yes, he does.
He asked you to.
-But what about this, Mrs Wong? Antique christening gown.
It looks like manky duster.
Nadine.
(GASPS) Bloody hell, man, Karl.
What are you doing staring at me like a dog in a ditch? Feeling better, do you, after your sleep? Where to is Genevieve? Out for a walk.
Not on her own, like, well, 'cause she can't walk yet, can she? -And even if she could, I -Karl! -Ben have taken her.
-Right.
So How about a sexy sock? Oh, go on then, if you must.
Oh, I've missed this.
I can't tell you how much.
(SNIFFING) What's that smell? Bobby Gittins! Will you put that stinking cigarette out? It's coming right in my bedroom.
It's disgusting.
(BLOWS) Shut your eyes a minute.
Oh, will you do it, man, Karl.
I just had my eyes shut.
Shut your eyes.
I got a surprise.
Now, open 'em.
What the hell is that? I thought you liked Will.
I.
Am.
You always says he's your favourite on The Voice.
I wrote a little rap and everything.
(RAPPING) Yo, Dine, my queen My ninety-nine ass queen! Hyah! I'm sorry, Karl, this isn't gonna work.
I've lost my inclination.
Oh, come on, man.
No, Karl.
I said no, now leave it.
Don't even look at me.
Whole hour I waited.
I thought you'd been murdered or sold into white slave traffic, but no, no, there you were, jolly as a German, start drinking tea with Mr Ivan ''Big Bollock'' Schloss! Listen.
The man's desperate for help.
He got thing-a-me-Parker laying there, God rest her shady, swillin' soul, just waiting to be undertook.
(GASPS) But he can't undertake her till he found an assistant.
So? So, I told him all about you.
How he won't find a more experienced and talented funeral director this side of Treorchy, yada, yada, yada Yes, well, that is true.
And he wants to meet you.
-Oh, my God! When? -Tomorrow.
-You've got a slot at 2:30.
-Oh, brilliant! -He's organised a recruitment day.
-What slot? -He's seeing about 20-odd people.
-Recruitment Day? And so I thought I might go for it and all! And what in the name of the Manic Street Preachers do you know about undertaking? That's what I said! But Ivan reckons that my experience as a local councillor and what-you-call, would go a long way.
Pfft.
You don't stand a chance, Aunty Brenda.
Well, we'll just see about that, shall we, Bobby Gittins? May the best man, or woman, win.
-(LAUGHING) -(LONG LOW GASP) You much of a dancer then, Yants? I got rhythm in my DNA.
And what about you, Carole? -How light is your fandango? -Hey, watch it, you.
-(LAUGHING) -(SHRIEKS) Yeah.
Dad, promise me you won't go off on one.
Oh, my God, what have you done? No, it's nothing like that and it's not the end of the world.
just tell me, for goodness' sake.
Okay, it's the dance teacher.
-Have she died? -What? No.
But she's cancelled tomorrow night.
No, she can't do that.
She got offered six months on a Mediterranean cruise teaching ballet to a load of pensioners.
Which would you choose? You should have booked somebody with no ambition.
And I shouldn't have depended on you to do it.
Look, calm down.
I'll sort it, okay? -How? -I don't know yet.
I just will.
BEN: We can go rock climbing.
And we can make our own beer.
And, even, I was thinking, we could start our own band.
Ooh! And the other thing I thought we could do, and this won't cost us nothing, let's go camping at Brecon, -like we did for Sunny's stag do.
-Sunny's stag do was pants.
I know, but that's 'cause the oldies were with us.
Oi, you two.
I don't suppose you know any dance instructors? -What? -I'm in a right load of doo-doo.
The dance teacher's bailed on us for this Strictly thing at the pub.
My Dad's going mental.
What am I gonna do? Emigrate? Me and him got to dance once.
We met Ashley Banjo.
Oh, my God, have you got his number? Can I call him? Yeah, okay.
-(CHUCKLES) Right! -Brilliant.
Oh, come on! Have you seriously got Ashley Banjo's mobile number? Yeah, he give it to me.
That's amazing! Why didn't you never tell me? You can add to that list then.
Go see Diversity.
-Yeah, maybe.
-JASMINDER: Hey, Ashley.
My name's Jasminder Choudary, I'm a mate of Little Alan's.
-Ashley Banjo is teaching the class? -Yes.
(LAUGHING) But she's famous, isn't she? -Dad! -She's also a he.
Well, I don't know about these modern names.
Good morning.
So sorry, I didn't see you there.
Aunty Brenda tells me you may have a room available.
Oh.
Hey, not bad.
Wow, so that's two-thirds of an exhaust or one and a half tyres.
Decisions, decisions.
Aah! Love's young dream.
Well, maybe not so young.
Oh, Stell, I remember when you used to wear these in cockin' school.
-Do you? -Aye.
Used to make your arse look massive, didn't it? What'd you say? (LOUDLY) Used to make her arse look cockin' huge, Mam.
Yeah, do you want to buy 'em, Rhian, or not? 'Cause if you don't, put 'em back, I say.
God, you must be out of your comfort zone, Mike.
Getting done with the masses, fighting over knock-off gear, selling What's this? Banana holders for 50p a throw? I'm gonna start packing up.
Oh, don't go 'cause of me.
I only wanted to give you something.
I was gonna drop it off at the house, but, erm, seeing as I'm here -What's that? -Bought a bit of gear for the sprog.
Oh, right.
Well Better late than never.
Well, you said you wanted to help out, didn't you? Which I do.
just over 400, it was.
Beautiful quality, mind, Stell, top of the range! What's it made of? Platinum? Yes, okay, I don't have the money here, obviously.
No worries.
Hang on a minute, you can't just expect him to Stella, it's fine.
I'll get it to you, okay? Cheers.
Expensive shag, weren't it, Mike? RHIAN'S MUM: What'd she say? (LOUDLY) She said it was an expensive cockin' shag, Mam.
Right, come on, you lot.
We're never gonna get that on the cockin' bus.
-RHIAN: Wait now.
-Watch that I don't run you over.
Well, reading this, I'm so out of the loop.
Funeral game have raced ahead since I was playing it.
That's the thing about death.
It'll wait for no man.
Give us a pack of Smokey Bacon, would you, babe? For instance, did you know that Wind Beneath My Wings is number one in the crime top ten? Abide With Me don't get a look in.
Abide with me, fast falls even tide God, Yant! What if I've lost it? What if I couldn't undertake my way out of a paper bag no more? And that Ivan ''Coven'' Schloss starts laughing at me out of the room, spits in my face and hangs me out to dry in front of the whole funeral directing fraternity? Please, allow me.
Thank you very much.
-What's he doing here? -Moved into Room Three.
Staying indefinitely.
You are most welcome to Pontyberry, Mr Schloss.
If there's anything I can do to improve your stay, anything as long as it is legal (LAUGHS) Please do ask.
You are too kind.
Actually, I'm serious about it being legal.
-Ivan, love, you've arrived.
-(GASPING) -I trust your room is to your liking.
-Indeed.
Jag, I told him if there's anything you can do to improve his stay, anything, as long as it's legal, then he's to ask.
JAGADEESH: Yes, I just said that.
Aunty Brenda, might I have a word? So what in the name of Shakin' Stevens do you think you're doing? He needed a room, I suggested this place.
He needed lunch, I'm buying.
I'm merely giving comfort and succour to the new kid in town.
Now, if you'll excuse me? We'll have two steaks.
Very rare.
Look at her.
All over him like a cat on a hot tin of pilchards.
Bumming him like there's no tomorrow.
Yeah, well, two can play that game, Yanto, butt.
She's not the only one in town who knows how to bum.
Bobby Jean Gittins is a natural born bummer.
And let no one tell you otherwise.
I didn't want her thinking I've got no money.
-It's embarrassing.
-But you haven't got no money, Michael.
-That's just overdraft.
-I know what I'm doing, okay? What, so you're just going to give into her every time she asks for something? -No.
-I mean, 400 quid? God, there was a bloke on the pitch next to us who was selling a pram for 50, nothing wrong with it.
I am not buying my son a buggy from a Pontyberry car boot sale.
Aw, the baby won't know no different.
-God, you're such a snob! -No, I'm not.
And I wouldn't mind, except you can't afford to be.
-What's that supposed to mean? -You're overdrawn constantly.
You just about break even every month.
-It's not always gonna be like that! -And, suddenly, as if by magic, you've got enough money for top-of-the-range baby products for a baby that up until yesterday you didn't want to know.
(IGNITION RUMBLING) Oh, bloody car! (ENGINE STARTS) STELLA: It's not that I don't think you should support her, I understand you've got to do that.
But I know what she's like, love, and she'll take you for a ride.
Bad choice of words, you've already done that -Stella! -Well, you get my meaning.
All I'm saying is, let me deal with it next time, is it? 'Cause you're too polite, and I'm from Pontyberry.
I've still got to give her the money, I said I would now.
Yeah, all right, I just don't like dancing to her tune, that's all.
It does my head in.
See you later.
-What have you got there? -Oh, this? Undertaker of the Year Awards, 2009.
-Best Newcomer, Bobby Jean Gittins.
-(DOORBELL RINGS) Hmm, I knew it would come in handy one day.
I'll get that.
Undertaker of the Year Awards, does that actually exist? -Amazing.
-BOBBY: Michael, its Beyonce.
Leave it to me.
BOBBY: She's claiming she's owed some money.
Yeah, that's all right, thanks, Bobs.
You didn't waste much time, did you? Oh, yeah, babes, I was just passing, so Well, it's not convenient for us at the moment, so you'll have to come back.
Hello, Daddy-o.
-I've got your money.
-Great! He's as good as his word, fair play.
Michael, I was going to deal with this.
just so you know, I'll be setting up a proper maintenance agreement -so we all know where we stand, okay? -Fine by me.
Babies don't need designer gear and I can't afford to pay for it.
Yeah, whatever.
Like I said, you'll get what's fair, but I'm no pushover.
Haven't always been the case though, have it, Mike? (ALL LAUGHING) Come on, girls.
-Beyonce? -Mmm? Say thank you.
(SARCASTICALLY) Thank you! (ALL TITTERING) I'm sorry, I know you wanted to deal with it.
Oh, look, it's sorted now.
She knows where we stand.
It's fine.
It's not fine, is it? I mean, nothing about this situation is fine.
Sweetheart, we may as well accept that that girl's gonna be in our lives -for at least the next 1 8 years.
-Great! But that doesn't mean she has to take over everything.
So, can we have our Sunday back now, please? We've got a picnic to go to.
I'll make a start on the sandwiches.
NADINE: All I'm saying, Karl, is it's private.
You don't go discussing it with all and sundry at a picnic at Pontyberry Hill.
Stella don't mind, do you, Stell? -We have to walk the dogs.
-Do we? Yeah.
(SOFTLY) Before they mention shagging again.
-Banjo! -(DOG BARKS) MICHAEL: I think it's a very common problem, Nadine, not wanting sex after childbirth.
What do you reckon, Luke? How long after Sophie was born was you and Zoe bonking? No comment.
Michael, tell everyone about your new client.
Michael's got a big important meeting tomorrow with this bloke from Bahrain.
-You're such a class act! -What? Mohammed Al Komadi is a multi-millionaire investor and you're just reduced him to this ''bloke from Bahrain''.
-(CHUCKLES) -Incidentally, he's from Kuwait, and he's not our client yet.
No, but he will be.
What about after Katie was born? Did you and your ex-missus get back on the horse, like, straightaway? -Erm -Er Oh, lookie, I got something for you.
Your rugby shirt fetched 67 quid this morning in the car boot sale.
That's bloody brilliant! Cheers, Mam.
-Stella -(MOBILE BEEPING) Bit of a cash for him, innit, Michael? LUKE: Nice one! Fucking hell! Yanto just texted me.
Andy Fairweather Low is playing in the Fox.
Wide eyed and legless Oh, immense! I reckon this was his biggest hit, Wide Eyed and Legless.
You can't be serious.
Surely Bend Me, Shape Me, Any Way You Want Me is the Weather Low signature song.
Either way, the man's a leg.
Now, can I get you a nice cup of tea, Ivan? No, thank you, and its I-van.
What about a hot chocolate, a mint infusion, or a small brandy? -BOBBY: My dear Evan -Ivan.
Ivan, I was having a bit of a clear-out earlier and look what I found? Undertaker of the Year Awards.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Yes.
Have you have ever been? Oh, no, of course you haven't, because you're not actually an undertaker, whereas I actually am.
I won Best Newcomer 2009 and runner-up the following two years.
I'm afraid I set no store by award ceremonies.
They are without meaning or merit, like so many things of life.
There you are.
Wide eyed and legless Well, if you don't want nothing else, I'll go and settle up.
-Aunty Brenda, it is too kind -Put your money away, kid.
I'm getting this.
So, my friends, I hope you'll be joining us tomorrow for the dancing? Oh, Michael can't.
Back up London, ain't you? Deserting me again.
(CHUCKLING) But, Karl, maybe you and Nadine should sign up.
-It might sort out your little problem.
-Eh? Well, isn't dance meant to be, um What is it? -The vertical expression of -ALL: A horizontal desire.
Yes.
I'm starting to worry that I'm never gonna want to have shenanigans ever again.
Karl gets so determined, like a bull, and I just feel I'm some kind of receptacle.
It's a shame you can't just get really drunk.
That's what I used to do.
With Karl, anyway.
NADINE: Ah, very romantic.
Well, maybe this dance class is a good idea.
-Might get things going.
-IVAN: Your friend is correct.
-Sorry? -The dance will uplift your soul.
Two hearts beating as one.
Four eyes seeing as two.
-Eight limbs moving as -Four.
Four.
I have said enough.
Please, excuse me.
Man, what the heck was that all about? I don't know.
But I reckon he might have a point, mind.
(ALL APPLAUDING) Thank you, Pontyberry, you've been a fantastic audience.
Thank you and good night! FEMALE VOICE ON TAPE: I am centered.
BOBBY: I am centered.
-I am rooted.
-I am rooted.
My intention for the day is My intention for the day is to get that bloody job because it's mine.
It's got my bloody name written all over it and Aunty Brenda is a joke, I tell you.
An absolute joke! (INHALES DEEPLY) (CHANTING) Om.
(VOCAL EEERCISE) The back brick block's broke.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
(HUMMING) (VOCALISING) Eh! Eh! The name's Brenda.
Aunty Brenda.
I'm so very sorry for your loss and what-you-call.
(CHILD CRYING) KARL: Hey, it's just like the olden days, isn't it? You and me with Emma and Ben.
Not really, Karl, no.
I don't ever remember you coming to baby group, not once.
Yeah, okay.
Minor detail.
Me and Dine, we still haven't done it, by the way.
Oh, God! I was thinking last night, after Andy Fairweather Low, I might have been in with a shout, but, no.
I even been thinking about getting one of them blow-up dolls.
Ugh! No, they're ever so life-like nowadays.
One of the boys in the rigs have got one.
Oh, Karl, man, shut up! Look.
You could try talking to her in a foreign language.
Always gets me going when Michael does Arabic.
(IMITATING ARABIC) What does that mean? Climb on top of my mountain of love, oh, raven-headed beauty.
But I don't know no Arabic.
I know a bit of Welsh, like.
There we are, then.
Do a bit of Welsh.
-Sbigoglys.
-What's that mean? Spinach.
I would like you thank you all for coming here today.
And I'd like to begin proceedings with a Madam Rhian Evans.
Aye, that's me.
Can I bring our cockin' dog, butt? Which of your own personal qualities do you best feel suits that of an undertaker? Spitting? Optimism? -Empathy.
-Um I could do this job in my sleep.
The job involves much heavy lifting.
Would you say you are physically strong? -As an ox.
-As an ox.
-As a cockin' ox's cock.
-Um Feel that, mate.
And why exactly have you applied for the job? 'Cause I desperately, desperately need one, like.
-Because you told me to, Ivan.
-Um 'Cause I lose my cockin' jobseekers if I don't.
Look, why are we messing around here? We both know I'm the only man for the job.
The rest of them are a bunch of jokers.
And I know the word for Millennium Stadium? It's Stadiwm y Mileniwm.
So that's sbigoglys, and a popty ping, and a Stadiwmy Mileniwm.
You think that'll get her going? Well, as long as she don't find out that what you're actually saying is spinach in a microwave in the Millennium Stadium.
Oh, my God! Is that a bailiff? -Mam! -What's going on? It's immense! You've won a car.
Ah! MARIA: Would you like to recap for us, Michael? Uh, yes, okay.
You alleged that Mr Jameson defrauded your company, Al Komadi Holdings.
He then sued you for misappropriation of funds.
-(MOBILE RINGING) -Sorry.
Anyway, we believe that Mr Jameson is effectively trying to embarrass you into dropping your lawsuit.
How do you propose we respond? Easy.
We counter-sue him for blackmail and extortion.
(CHUCKLES) (LAUGHING) I like this man.
I think he's gonna win my case for me.
(MOBILE RINGING) -I thought you'd switched that off.
-Yeah, sorry.
Please.
Somebody is very keen to speak with you.
Hi, can I call you back? What? Yeah, it's a grey one.
From that prize draw I entered.
Darling, that's brilliant.
Oh, I'll send you a photo.
It is absolutely stunning.
Erm Yeah.
Oh, my God! You're still in that meeting? Er Yeah.
-I am so sorry.
-No, no, no, it's fine.
-(CLEARS THROAT) -Have I got you into trouble now? No.
Of course not.
Send me that photo, um -I love you.
-I love you, too.
But not as much as the car.
Sorry about that, uh, my girlfriend's just won a car.
Mabrouk.
How wonderful! She never has Well, things like that don't happen to her, so (SPEAKING IN ARABIC) (SPEAKING IN ARABIC) Oh, God, this car is so lush to drive.
-Mam, can I have a go? -You're joking, are you? I'm not letting you nowhere near this steering wheel.
-Not with your track record.
-(LAUGHING) Gutted! That is so unfair! BEN: Do you reckon, now you've got your new car, I can have the old one? Oh, I don't know, presh.
I mean, technically, it's Luke's, remember? LITTLE ALAN: Yeah, but it is a wreck.
BEN: Hey, Little Al, we could do it up.
LITTLE ALAN: What? Like pimp it, you mean? Yes.
Subwoofers, the lot! -We could take it camping.
-Can we, Mam? -Er Yeah.
Maybe.
-(CAR HONKING) (BOTH CHATTING INDISTINCTLY) I called Daddy Simpson in New Zealand for a reference.
It took a while to track him down.
He was body surfing in Tauranga.
It's on the North Island.
Anyway, he said that you, Aunty Brenda, are a force to be reckoned with.
A gale force, more like.
And that you'd be supportive and loyal and highly efficient.
-But she's no bloody undertaker.
-Zip it, Gittins.
Whereas you, Bobsie, are a highly-experienced funeral director, with local knowledge and a bedside manner to die for.
Bad choice of words, but you get my drift.
So -Put us out of our misery! -Don't drag it out you, sadistic shit! Sorry.
-Aunty Brenda, you will be my -Oh, I don't believe it! My brand new receptionist.
Receptionist? And you, Bobsie Gittins, will be my assistant undertaker, unless you've changed your mind.
No! No, that's fantastic! Receptionist? Pfft.
You've got a nerve, Evan Slosh Schloss, actually.
Coming here with your strange Lithuanian ways.
I'm not Lithuanian, actually, I'm a Romanian.
Pitting people like me and him against each other.
We were perfectly happy before you come along! And now you expect me to be your receptionist! With a view to being trained up as an undertaker.
When do I start, kid? I'm finishing early today.
Max is taking me to the opera.
-Oh? -Well done again.
Thank you.
I like working with you, Michael.
A lot.
See you tomorrow.
Bloody hell.
What? MICHAEL: I just wish you'd talked to me before you sold it.
Why? It was my car.
I know, but you didn't need to sell it.
Look, if Beyonce comes at you again with more bills, which, let's face it, she will, you've got the cash to sort it.
Stella You're too kind, you know.
Why? Because I water your cabbages? Good soaking.
Oh, you missed a bit.
(LAUGHING) I gotta go.
My shift starts in half an hour.
It's the dance class tonight.
Mam, what's this about you selling the new car? (SIGHS) Here we go.
Good luck.
He's still not answering.
Well, if he said he'll be here, then he'll be here.
That is what he said, isn't it? Not exactly.
What do you mean, not exactly? Well, he didn't actually say anything, 'cause I didn't actually speak to him.
I just left him a message.
Jasminder, are you trying to tell me that there are 39 people in there who have all paid and they're waiting for a man who will never turn up? He might turn up.
Little Al said he's a really nice bloke.
Well, my thinking is you don't miss what you never had, do you? It's nice to drive, mind.
Automatic.
-Another Bloody Mary, please.
-Coming up.
What's happened? It's disgusting.
People have paid good money for this class and Ashley Banjo haven't turned up.
I'm ruined.
Oh, look, love, just stick a bit of music on and let everyone have a disco.
Is there a dance teacher in the house? (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) I may regret this.
Lead me to the dance floor.
No, but that is the point, Mr Sloth, Slosh What is it? -Schloss.
-Schloss.
There is no dance class.
There is no teacher.
There is now.
(LET'S GETLOUD PLAYING) You don't look like a dancer to me.
(CROWD MUTTERING) (ALL CHEERING) IVAN: Thank you, thank you.
I am a little rusted, but you get the general.
-Want some water? -So, now, over to you.
We'll take it very slowly, step by step.
Please.
(LA BAMBA PLAYING) Hold your partner like this.
That's very good.
Here we go.
One, two, three.
Five, six, seven.
One, two, three.
Five, six, seven.
Excellent! What's the matter with you? You're all over the shop! Shut up, man, you know freestyling's more my thing.
Ashley Banjo'd never make us do this stuff.
Five, six, seven.
Salsa! Three.
Five, six, seven.
Sexy! -Hi.
-Honestly, my dad was about to kill me.
Good old Slasher Slosh saved the day.
(BOTH GIGGLING) (WHISPERING) Outside, in five minutes.
Five, six, seven.
Sexy! I've got to give it to him.
That cat can move.
He's my new boss, you know.
Very good! Five, six, seven.
One, two, three.
Excellent! Look at your partner.
Head up, please, over there, thank you.
Karl, man! Would you stop standing on my bloody feet! It's meant to be erotic.
Excellent! Excellent! -Ow! -Sorry, I'm sorry.
Look, I can't stop thinking about you, even when I'm cleaning my teeth.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) And it's annoying, really, because you're in my head, like, constantly, but I can't go out with you 'cause Ben's got it about Lily dumping him, and now he's decided that me and him are gonna hang out all holidays.
No girls, just a lads' summer, whatever that is.
So if I started seeing you, he's gonna feel well pissed off.
I know what he's like.
He'll be all melodramatic and he'll use the word ''betrayal''.
So, don't tell him.
What? Don't tell him we're seeing each other.
Dad, I'm so sorry about Ashley Banjo.
He probably thought I was a nutter.
Yes, probably.
Still, it doesn't matter.
There is an old saying my great-grandmother used to say, ''A dog can sometimes make a better cat.
'' Sorry, you've lost me there.
Well, take Shoss, Slosh, what is it? -Schloss.
-Schloss.
He may have actually turned out to be better than the Banjo.
MAN: Whoo-hoo! -Where've you been? -Bog.
Right.
Well, let's go home.
Tonight's been a totally rubbish night.
Yeah, totally rubbish night.
MICHAEL: Don't be alarmed.
-What are you doing here? -I've got something for you.
It's an awfully long way to come for a quickie.
Hmm.
Go and look out of the window.
-What's going on? -Look out the window.
(ALL CHEERING) I went to the car lot and I bought it back.
Am I actually dreaming this? In all the time I've known you, you've never had anything.
You're always doing stuff for other people, and when do you get extra cash, you give it away to your kids or to me.
Well, now it's your turn, Stella Morris.
Oh, but, sweetheart, the money! You need it for the baby.
-And what about Beyonce? -We'll manage.
just have to keep doing the car boots.
Aw, isn't it romantic? Being romantic never buttered no parsnips, Bobby Gittins, but -AUNTY BRENDA: There you are.
-NADINE: That is so beautiful.
Sbigoglys in a popty ping in a Stadiwm y Mileniwm.
Don't be disgusting.
I don't know what to say.
Ah, well, you could offer me a lift to the station.
I need to get back to London before Maria notices I'm not there.
(STELLA LAUGHS) (ALL CHEERING) -What are you doing here? -I'm on a college trip.
I thought I would surprise you.
The mayor is dead.
(ALL GASP) Mary the Mayor? Yes.
Mayor Mary Meyer.
One, two, three, four, and around.
Oh! Hello, Stella.