Stella (2012) s05e01 Episode Script
Series 5, Episode 1
(VOCALISING) And then she smiles And my heart starts beating I go weak inside Na na na na na na Na na na STELLA: She got her dad's eyes, that's for sure! -(CRYING) -Aw.
We just done three and a half K, didn't we, babes? Serious? I won't let childbirth get the better of me, Stell.
No way.
And it wouldn't do you no harm to shift a few pounds.
just 'cause there's no man in the house -Well, actually -don't mean you should let yourself go to the dog.
Right, well, er, let me know if you need anything doing for the christening.
I'm in college, but I can always nip out.
I'm all sorted.
As long as your Luke don't let me down.
So long! (EXHALES) (INDISTINCT) -Morning.
-Good morning.
Thank you.
MICHAEL: I miss you so much.
STELLA: Yeah.
I'm useless without you.
(GASPS) Gotcha! Stella, what are you doing? I swear to God, once you pass 40 your eyebrows give birth overnight.
(CHUCKLES) Nice.
What time you back later them, presh? Er, about 9.
;00? Ooh, do us a favour.
On your way home, pick us up a christening present? Something cheap like a photo frame.
You're a godmother, you can't just get them a photo frame! I didn't ask to be godmother.
Ey, you know that prize draw I entered? -Er, there've been quite a few -(CHUCKLES) The one in the magazine.
Well, this morning I won two dozen bottles of mouthwash.
Oh, good, I can put them with the two dozen bottles of toilet cleaner you won last week.
Hands off, Jackson, I'm selling 'em in the car boot.
Yeah, look, about the car boot -BEN: Mam, hurry up, I need the bog! -(KNOCKS ON DOOR) -Good morning.
-No, it isn't.
MICHAEL: Hi, Ben.
It's just so silly you sending off for freebies all the time, I'm earning good money.
Yeah, and spending most of it on London rent and rail fares.
(EXHALES) Look.
I am using my initiative to keep us above water, that's all.
I cannot wait to see you.
Me too.
Can we have lots of disgusting sex? Yes.
As soon as I've watered my runner beans.
And that's not a euphemism.
(LAUGHS) You and your bloody allotment, honestly.
-Michael -Yeah? When are you gonna speak to her? Oh, don't start this again.
Oh, it's not gonna go away, presh.
Beyonce Evans is having your baby in eight weeks.
And you won't talk to her or, or see her or even acknowledge it's happening.
Look, I've got to go, sorry.
Enjoy your last day at college.
Bye! (SIGHS) Great.
jag, I'll stick this in the stockroom, shall I, butt? Yes, please.
Butt.
(LAUGHS) Knock yourself out.
Though, not literally.
But if you did knock yourself out, that would be fine, because you'd be completely covered by my public liability insurance, third party, fire and theft.
Bet you still can't believe it's happening, eh? Your name above a pub door.
Although, I want this place to be so much more than a pub.
I want the Frisky Fox to be the heartbeat of Pontyberry.
-Oh.
-BOTH: A community hub.
Yeah, you said.
The room at the back will be the home of all sorts, er, computer classes, yoga, dance classes, a whole cacophony of community events.
This till don't add up, again.
Uh, Jasminder, I'm riffing.
It's 50 quid out.
Look.
It don't take a genius to work out who's been helping themselves.
Hush your accusations, you'll get me sued for slander! Well, I'm sorry but there's definitely something shifty about that woman.
Shifty? Well, speaking of shifty, your shifty tonight will start at 6 o'clock.
Oh, I ain't working tonight, it's Friday.
Well, that is exactly why you are working tonight.
Because we're going to be run off our feet.
Sorry to interrupt, like, do you want me to make a start on the bedrooms? Yes, please, Carole.
just 'cause I'm your daughter doesn't mean you can take the mick.
You are sounding exactly like your mother now.
I'm gonna call her.
And I'll do around the architraves, is it? Yes, yes.
Complaining at every whip, snip and dongle.
No wonder she divorced ya.
I divorced her.
As well you know.
I did.
I divorced her.
Right.
Oh, jag.
I hear you got a function room for community events and what have you? -That's right.
-Only my cousin was looking for somewhere.
-Is he? -For a community cockin' cock fight.
(CLUCKING) Oh.
(CHUCKLES) And you'll have to, you know, announce the Devil and stand by the Pont, and light the candle.
It's a big honour being a godfather, son.
-Yeah.
-Like Marlon Brando in the film.
(IMITATES MARLON BRANDO) ''I'm gonna make him an offer so's he won't refuse.
'' Though, I guess, he was a bit older than you was, Brando.
-Yeah.
-KARL: And a bit fatter.
Talking about me again, Karl? All right, Stell? What? -No! No, no! -I been having a clear-out.
Found that old christening gown you was after of your nana's.
Ah, that's disgusting, that is.
It looks like a manky duster.
Do you want me to sell it at the car boot? Aye, go on then.
Aw, Ben, why you doing this to yourself? He's not on the porn, is he, Stell? He told me he was doing his homework.
I ain't doing nothing.
No, he's stalking his ex-girlfriend on Facebook, look! What do know about Facebook? You watch, come the autumn you won't even remember Lily's name.
-Will he, Karl? -Nope.
-Yeah, right.
-Oh, bloody hell.
I actually used to wear these.
Do you remember? Oh, yeah.
Used to make your arse look massive.
(CHUCKLES) Oi, shut up, you.
-(LAUGHS) -(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) Hiya, Bobs! Tea in the pot if you want some.
Don't bother, I'm having a can.
Right, see you in church then, is it? -Yeah, so long.
-Ta-ra.
Are you sure you should be drinking this time of the morning? Well, it's not morning to me, is it? I've just done a night shift.
Oh look, love, I know you hate this job, but something else'll come along.
You just gotta hang on in there.
I've been hanging on so long, I look like a row of washing.
Oh, my God, Mam.
-What's the matter? -Lily's just updated her status! She's seeing Darren Lomax.
(BOBBY OPENING CAN) (GULPING) (GRUNTS) -This week's rent, Aunty Bren.
-Aw.
Thanks, Cheryl, love.
It's all there, minus £3.
70 for the use of my razor.
(GASPS) Honest to God, Marj, I rue the day I ever took that one on as a lodger.
She still prancing 'round in the buff? Less than she was, but I live in fear on a daily basis.
Hey, kid! That wife of yours gone off gallivanting, I hear.
She's not gallivanting, her dad's had a heart attack.
She's gone to look after him.
Er, so she'd say.
Left him quite literally holding the baby, Marj.
With no job, and a gambling addiction.
Ey, they're looking for people up the turkey farm, butt.
Are they? Right, well, I'll bear it in mind.
Cheers.
Where to have you been, Luke Morgan? Quarter past, we said.
What do you expect? He's a man! -And an ex-con! -Oh, thanks for that.
AUNTY BRENDA: What you doing leaving him in charge? I got no choice, Aunty Bren.
Karl's not back till the early hours and I got a barrage of things to do before the christening.
Including a bikini wax and an eyebrow thread.
Right, Luke.
Don't let anyone pee in my bidet.
So long.
Ey, yo! You'll be back by 5:00, though, won't you? Never trust a woman with a bidet, kid.
(GENEVIEVE CRYING) All right, come on, then.
(MICHAEL SPEAKING ARABIC) Well? -They've confirmed for Monday.
-Brilliant.
This case could be really lucrative for us, Michael.
Well, he's not ours yet.
No, but he will be.
Let me buy you a drink after work.
-To celebrate.
-Sorry, but I want to get off early.
Of course.
Back to your little Welsh rarebit.
Hey, I was talking about your evening meal.
(CLEARS THROAT) Listen, I think it's great that you're managing to make it work, -this weekend commute.
-Thanks.
-But if it becomes a problem -It won't become a problem.
Good.
I'll just wipe down them tables, then I'll zip off, all right? -Thank you.
-Oh, and I found this in bedroom three.
I took all the cash, of course.
What? I'm joking.
But his phone number's in there and a few cards, so you should be able to track him down.
(WHISPERS) I told ya.
CELIA: It's one of those things, campervanning, you either love it or you hate it.
And we love it.
How about you two, any chance of getting away? Well, I'm working on it.
I've entered seven holiday competitions.
Seven? Three cruises, two city breaks, skiing in the French Alps -Can you ski? -No.
And ten days on a long boat in the Norfolk Broads.
One of them's gotta come good.
CHERYL: Right! Look sharp! Your final class of the year.
Yep, it's summertime.
But the living ain't easy.
Not if you're a nurse.
Because a nurse, Stella Morris, is always on duty, even when she or he is wearing a bikini and playing volleyball on a beach.
I rang the owner of the wallet, he was very relieved.
I'll bet.
Though he claims there was £30 in there.
Then he's lying.
Yes, sorry, my head is all over the place at the moment.
(CHUCKLES) I'm short-staffed for tonight, and, on top of that, the till seems to be £50 out It's just Well, don't blame me, I'm the cleaner, I don't go nowhere near the till.
Of course.
Sorry.
Jasminder's till code is J-A-S, yeah? Yes, I believe so.
Well, you can see she's put in a glass of wine at £54, instead of £4.
I don't think even you would charge 54 quid for a glass of wine, -would you, jag? -No, indeed.
Ah, the whole thing just didn't make sense, money disappearing from under my nose like that.
But, but you have solved it.
(LAUGHS) -Excellent.
-No, it's not excellent.
You thought I'd nicked it, didn't you? -What? No.
No.
Of course not.
-Do you know what? I don't have to take this! You can stuff your bloody job! No, Carole! Carole? Carole, please! KATIE: Right, I'll see you at the barbecue.
I'm only bringing crisps.
I've done some marinated spare ribs, low-salt oyster sauce with a hint of garlic and chilli.
What you bringing? A preload.
Oh, he's sulking 'cause of Lily and Darren Lomax.
Ah, mate, Lomax is a joke.
He still believes in the tooth fairy.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, go easy, Ben, for God's sake.
Or you'll make an idiot of yourself.
Too late.
I already did that.
'Cause, apparently, when she told me she loved me, she was lying! -(BOTH CHUCKLE) -Oh, God.
(SIGHS) God, I do feel for you having Cheryl living opposite you.
-Watching over you all summer.
-I know! And remember Every step you take, every breath you take, every move you take, make (CHUCKLES) Right, come on, first round's on me.
Yeah, I'll catch you up, I just gotta pop the library.
It's summer holidays.
Hello? Won't be long.
You're very strange, you know that? Yeah, well, I'm not hanging round here all day, I got stuff to do.
just take a seat.
Janet will be with you now, all right? Is there a problem? I'm just saying, this is what is wrong with the NHS, Beyonce Evans? About time, I been waiting ages.
Well, come on, then.
This was your idea.
I take it you're her mother? No.
I'm actually the girlfriend of the father of her baby.
Jeremy Kyle, eat your heart out, eh? (CANDYCRUSH MUSIC PLAYING) AUTOMATED VOICE: Tasty! -(EXHALES) -(DOOR OPENS) Nadine's not back yet, Aunty Bren.
Any chance you could baby-sit? Only, I got to get to Cardiff.
(BLOWS RASPBERRIES) What do you think I am, Luke Morgan? Some underpaid au pair from the Eastern Bloc? I'm a high-powered civil servant with constituents to attend to.
Oh, banging your door down, are they? (AUNTY BRENDA SIGHS) Right, you two.
You'll have to come with me.
(HEARTBEAT SOUNDING) Oh, my God, is there something wrong with it? 'Cause I'm not having it if there's something wrong with it, like its head's fallen off or something.
Don't say things like that.
No.
All looking perfectly normal.
It was a waste of bloody time.
Could've been that dodgy curry, that's all.
You were right to come in, though.
Always best to check.
Yeah, well, it's her, it is.
Fuss arsing around me all the time.
Do you want to keep the scan photo? I'm afraid we have to charge £2.
Oh, well, I've heard it all now.
I know.
Hospital policy, sorry.
Yeah, well, you can stick it.
Erm, look.
I'll take it.
(CHUCKLES) just in case she changes her mind.
Are you some kind of saint or what? Thank you very much.
Ah! You're back early.
Hiya! Yeah, I thought I'd surprise your mum.
Bit late for a kids' day out, isn't it? Yeah, I've gotta go Cardiff, but Nadine's dumped me in it.
Ah.
Ey, listen, I don't suppose you could have 'em for me, could you? Only, they're not really meant to go to Er, no.
Sorry, Luke.
I was gonna make her dinner and everything.
You're all right.
Though, I thought you'd have liked the practise, Michael.
What is it now, two months away? Don't worry about it.
STELLA: You been taking them iron tablets I give you? Yeah, and they're rank.
Stop me, you know, going like Yeah, well, they're really good for the baby.
And, listen, it's really chilly outside today and you've hardly got anything on.
Borrow my cardi, is it? Whoa! Right little fashion queen, aren't you, Stell? -It does the job.
-(LAUGHS) Christ, let's hope I don't see no one I know.
You got money for the bus? Er, what do you think? Right.
Well, take this.
You can't walk home, for God's sake.
Cheers.
Oh, and, er, send my love to Mike.
He do know you're seeing me today, didn't he? Course he do.
How's it looking? We got the first of our new potatoes up.
-Bit of butter on them now for tea.
-Nice.
Your courgettes are taking over the place, butt.
Yeah, I know.
I'm gonna do a big harvest this weekend.
-Michael Jackson.
-Oh, Aunty Brenda! As your local councillor, elected, I'm offering you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for a one-on-one private and confidential consultation about anything you like.
-As long as it's legal.
Come on! -(CHUCKLES) Well, I don't really have anything that's, er There must be something I can help you with? -(CLEARS THROAT) -Flickering lampposts? Rubbish collection? Asylum seeking? No, no.
I'm absolutely fine.
What's the point? You're just as bad as the rest of Pontyberry.
Apathy courses through your veins.
No, it doesn't, I just don't have any problems.
You've got an illegitimate child in the belly of a jezebel.
I'd have thought that was problem enough! That is none of your business! And it's certainly not something I'd talk to a local bloody councillor about! Jesus! Yep.
KATIE: We're not abandoning you, Ben.
Yeah, you are.
Leaving me stuck in Pontyberry all summer while you're down France chasing frogmen.
Oi! And he's in a bloody campervan somewhere ''oop north!'' -Well, I'll swap with you, if you like.
-(SCOFFS) No, thanks.
Oh, come on.
The great outdoors! You'll have a right laugh.
Katie, have you ever been inside a campervan? I mean, what's gonna happen night time? I dunno which is worse, listening to my old man snore, or worrying that I'm gonna hear 'em having sex.
-KATIE: Eww! -Gross! -Oh, my God, don't look now.
-What? (GASPS) Oh, Ben, just leave it.
Please don't do anything, you'll ruin the party.
It's all right, I ain't gonna do nothing.
BOTH: Ben! Thing is, Jag, I'm a powerhouse of ideas, bursting to get out there and change the world, but the world just don't want changing! (CHUCKLES) At least you're not a security guard at a warehouse up north.
God, my life's a joke! Jag! Jag! Jag! -Jag! Jag! -One moment please, Nadine, I'm serving! -But it's an emergency! -Please bear with me.
The bakery have closed and I haven't got the cake for tomorrow.
Oh no, they dropped it off.
It's in the kitchen.
(RELIEVED SIGH) Oh, God, my head's all over the 'op.
Ey, that Luke Morgan was expecting you home an hour ago.
Oh, what's the matter with him? It's not like he haven't got nothing else to do.
Aye.
Anyway, he've taken 'em somewhere, Christ knows where.
Probably sat right now at a gaming table playing high stakes poker, cigar in one hand, baby Genevieve in the other.
(INDISTINCT ARGUMENT) -LITTLE ALAN: Ben, leave him! -Darren, stop it! -She's not worth it, mate.
-Ben, Ben, Ben! -Ben! -Come here.
-Get off! -He's telling the truth, Ben.
You and me were over long before we got together with Darren.
What, like a week? -Nine days.
-It's over, mate.
Like the song says, ''I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts, ''but you've got to walk away now.
'' -What song's that? -The Streets, I think it was.
Dry your eyes, mate I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts Oh, yeah.
I used to love that song when I was little.
(BOTH) But you've got to walk away now Excuse me, I'm in pieces here, and you two think you're on fucking X Factor! Yeah, sorry.
-I'm sorry.
-(EXHALES) -Little Al -What? He needs his best friend right now, yeah? Look after him for me.
'Cause I still care about him, yeah? The only thing you care about is Lomax.
And he still believes in the tooth fairy! (SOBBING) Oh, my God! Cerys? Hiya.
-What, you two know each other? -Oh, well, sort of.
-We met at my dad's wedding, didn't we? -Yeah.
(GIGGLES) Right, well, I don't know about you but I'm gasping for a sausage.
-You never called me -I lost my phone Sorry, no, you go on.
(CHUCKLES) I lost my phone and I didn't know anyone else that had your number.
I thought about Facebooking you, but then I really wasn't sure -if you were that bothered -I was bothered! I was totally bothered! (BOTH LAUGHING) Nope.
Never smoked, never gambled, never drugged.
Never even binged on chocolate cake or stuffed my face in a pie.
I am totally in control of my vices, which comprise alcohol.
I know my limits.
Coffee, two cups a day, and occasional lapses into hardcore sadomasochistic sex.
(GASPS) Now, if you'll excuse me, Betty Wong do look like she've got in with the wrong crowd.
BIKER: Come on, get the beer down you.
Get some beer down you.
Some beer.
All right? Busy, isn't it? Which is why me and him are making a move.
Come on, chirpy chops.
Bowl of my stew will put a smile on your face.
Yeah, whatever.
Well, don't be coming home too early tonight, Bobs, I want a bit of private time for me and Michael.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (DISGUSTED SIGH) (GRUNTS) -Have some water.
-No.
I worry about you, Ben.
-No, you don't! -I do! You're like a, sort of, I dunno, a pretend kid brother or something.
You'll have the real thing in a few weeks, won't you? And then you'll forget about me.
I could never forget you, you're too annoying.
And I doubt I'll ever meet my dad's baby.
He won't even talk to me about it.
Or Stella.
Oh, he's really messed up, bless him.
Well, if he hadn't been such an almighty shagger and messed my mam around, he wouldn't even be in this mess, would he? You're a dick! (GRUNTS) (DOOR CLOSES) Have you seen that Luke Morgan? Is he in O'Hare? Oh, just let yourself in, Nadine, why don't you? He's not answering his mobile.
I've not seen heel nor hand of him since this morning.
Erm, he was at the station earlier, taking the kids to Cardiff.
Cardiff! Well, if he's not back within an hour, I'm calling the police.
And you can tell him that from me, Michael Jackson.
How? How can I tell him Oh, God.
So, that's where I'm at, I suppose.
I can't say it's gone away, you know, that feeling of, I dunno, needing to gamble.
I still cross the road when I pass the bookies, even the bloody scratch cards call out to me sometimes when I'm buying my fags.
But it's getting less.
It's getting better.
just keep going, I guess.
Ey, it's true what they say about a day at a time.
-Cheers.
-(GENEVIEVE COOING) WOMAN: Thanks for that.
Oh, and if anyone's interested, I'm thinking of starting a new meeting in Pontyberry, so I'll keep you posted, like.
(MOBILE RINGING) just gotta Nadine.
No, she's fine.
No, she haven't been playing roulette! JAGADEESH: Jasminder, please! I need your help.
Two vodka tonics coming right up.
If you come now, I will pay you double.
-MAN: Come on, Jag! -£2.
20 change.
And, madam, you are next, I promise.
I will pay you triple, please? Okay, who's next? -ALL: Jag! -Me, Jag! I'm next! And Michael knows nothing about it? I could hardly tell him, could I? ''Oh, Michael, I've been in regular contact ''with the mother of your unborn child ''who you want absolutely nothing to do with.
'' Well, he's gonna find out sooner or later.
I know.
(SIGHS) Hey, shouldn't you get going? Oh, God, yeah, I'm not even sure Little Alan's packed yet! We'll send lots of postcards.
Yeah, and don't let Alan do nothing stupid like hang-gliding or potholing, you know what he's like.
Aw, mate, two whole months.
I'm really gonna miss you, you know.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
Now bugger off.
(CHUCKLES) Carole.
It is JAGADEESH, again.
If you get this message, perhaps you would reconsider One minute, please.
Reconsider and come and One moment, please.
Come and help me, please.
Jag? You all right? I cannot cope.
Stella, I've taken on too much.
MAN 1 : Come on, Jag! MAN 2: Come on Jag! Right, you lot, calm down or you won't get served.
Billy Cobb, you're next.
It's been so brilliant seeing you tonight, like, such a shock.
I mean a good shock.
(CHUCKLES) So, you gonna walk me home then, or what? Yeah, all right! (BOTH LAUGHING) I'll get us a couple of burgers for the journey.
(GIGGLES) Ey! Cerys Ferris lives in a terrace! -You should do stand-up.
-Oh! Only joking, Little Al.
-CELIA: Little Alan! -Celia! -Little Alan, I've been calling you! -Have you? Your dad's been held up in Gloucester, so Yanto's gonna take us to meet him there.
-Come on.
-But I was gonna -Look, can I just say goodbye to -No, you can't.
Love, we're late! Ben, if you see Cerys (BOTH LAUGHING) (BEN BLOWS HORN) (LAUGHING) (DOORBELL RINGS) Surprise! Aw, bibs, you shouldn't have! Beyonce.
It's good to see you, Mike.
You're looking hot.
I, er, I brought Stella's cardi back.
She lent it me today at the hospital.
Good as gold, she is, fair play, always looking out for me.
You saw Stella today? Er, yeah.
She come the scan with me.
What? Anyway, say thanks and that.
I'll see her next week, most probs.
She brought this back.
(SIGHS) She said you lent it to her when you went for the scan, for fuck's sake.
Yeah.
And she said you were quote, ''Always looking out for her.
'' I can't not care about your baby, Michael.
I wish I didn't, but I do.
Stella It's a little boy.
Look.
-Look, I'm going to bed.
-Michael No, I really don't want to talk about this.
Oh, please don't let it spoil our evening together.
I've got so much to tell you.
I got a job tonight at the pub and Stell, why does everyone in this town think it's okay to barge in to other people's houses? -I need to stay with you this summer.
-BOTH: What? -Celia, what's going on? -He says he's not coming on holiday.
-Mike.
-Hi.
I'm nearly 1 8.
I know her and dad like vanning, but I can't stand it -and I'm not a kid any more! -Look, where's Alan? -He's stuck in bloody Gloucester! -He's in Gloucester.
-I'm taking them to meet him.
-NADINE: Stella! -Oh, great! -Nadine! -Once again! Come on in! -Don't be disgusting! Your Luke absconded with Genevieve today, took her to Cardiff, he did, without so much as a by-your-knee.
-Not now, Nadine.
-I'll wash up, I'll help around the house I'm sure she's picked up one of them germs from one of them gamblers.
Nadine! LITTLE ALAN: I'll make my bed What's Alan gonna say if I turn up without him? -BEN: I'm home! -(DOOR SHUTS) -Oh, my God! Ben? -Mam! I'm really drunk and someone's written ''knob'' on my head.
See? Little Alan! So, can I stay, then, Stell? Can I? Can I? Can I? -I don't know.
-You didn't go vanning.
You stayed for me! Even though I'm a total knob.
Look.
-Yeah, well, actually it's because -I love you! We're gonna have the best summer.
just you and me.
No poncey girls or Or girls or nothing.
We're gonna have a boys' summer, yeah? -Yeah, Ben, calm down.
-Yeah, calm down and get to bed! -And drink some bloody water! -(DOOR CLOSES) What in the name of Michael Ball is going on? Me and him have just been watching David Attenborough's whatyermacall, but there's more wildlife happening in here, by the looks! And good God, what are you still doing here? I thought you'd be off traipsing round the country in your vampercan! -I'm going to bed.
-Michael (ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY) Would you all get out of my house! (MOBILE CHIMING) Good morning.
Ivan Schloss, International Director of Funerals.
No, we are not open yet for business.
Wednesday Well, can you keep her in a cool place for a couple of days? Out of direct sunlight? Good.
(GASPS) Ugh.
People like you make me sick.
It's not natural.
Exercise do banish the demons and ward off disease.
Plus, I've not been invited to this christening and I don't want to look like I care.
Will you please put that filthy cigarette out? Don't start on me, I'm depressed.
That as may be, Bobby Gittins, but it's coming in through the letterbox! How's this baby gonna get christened if it's coughing up in the vicar's face? All right, Dine? Everything ready? Yeah, well, apart from the fact I've not heard from Karl.
He was supposed to be here If he've had an accident and ruined his daughter's big day, so help me, Stell, I'll never forgive him.
Oh, he'll be here now, you watch.
Your Michael have been down that allotment since the crack of sparrows.
(CHUCKLES) (EXHALES) Coffee? Katie's gonna see us there.
She's really excited about France.
(CHUCKLES) Really? Hey, you've got plenty of carrots there.
I'll have to make a carrot cake later.
I nearly lost you to Beyonce-bloody-Evans.
Surely you can see I don't want to have anything to do with her? And she's mental! She freaks me out, if I'm honest.
She's just young.
And a bit stupid.
And probably quite scared.
Christ, don't defend her! I'm not.
Look, I won't contact her again, okay? Thank you.
I've ironed your pink shirt.
You gonna wear that with your blue suit? I'm not going.
Oh, don't be daft, everyone's expecting you.
Well, they'll just have to be disappointed, won't they? Come on, it'll be a laugh.
God, what is it with you and the Pollyanna attitude? ''Cheer up, it might never happen!'' It's just so annoying! What, you think I'm enjoying this, do you? People pointing at me when I go to the garage or the shop, ''That's the one whose boyfriend had a one-night stand ''and got the girl pregnant.
God knows why she haven't left him!'' Who says things like that? No, tell me who they are! Or putting up with Beyonce and her nasty little digs and her big pregnant belly staring me in the face, reminding me of what you both did.
It isn't fun, believe me! (SIGHS) I know.
And I'm sorry.
I feel so (SNIFFLES) Ashamed, I suppose.
(SIGHS) Yeah, well, get over yourself, Michael.
'Cause when that baby arrives, he's gonna need your help.
And you droning on about what a bad person you are don't do no one no favours.
(EXHALES) This is a disaster.
We'll never be ready in time.
-Oh, chill, Dad.
It'll be fine.
-(DOOR OPENS) What do you know? You're probably still drunk from last night.
Carole.
Let's get one thing straight, I'm honest as the day's long, me, I don't nick from no one, I never have, and I resent people thinking the worst of me because I always think the best of them.
Accuse me again and I'll walk out of here and never look back.
But treat me with respect and I'll be as loyal as a butcher's dog.
Now pass me that hoover, you got the attachment on wrong.
I am so terribly sorry.
And so you should be.
You look hideous.
-Thanks.
-(BELL TOLLING) And you've still got ''knob'' written on your forehead.
Won't come off.
Do a comb-over.
(SIGHS) It's just a really difficult situation.
And my dad can be so stubborn.
Well, that's men for you.
Don't suppose you'd have a word with him, would you? We're not exactly friends at the moment.
(WAILING) Stell! Stell! What am I gonna do! It's Karl! Oh, my God, have he died? What? No! But his flight got cancelled from Aberdeen.
He's not coming the christening! How can a father not come to his own daughter's christening? Nadine, you're gonna have to calm down, you'll upset the baby.
I'm as calm as a bloody duck pond! Right, we'll just have to carry on without him 'cause everyone's gone inside now.
(LABOURED BREATHING) Come on.
(CHUCKLES) And the little bitty babbie boy Boy Cried out with a gully lung and lay Lay A sorry life for above me lived Lived When the Devil saw my dying maid Maid Sing out to the one who betook my soul And cry to the one who forsook my toll My Manny over the brook and roll And chase out the Devil with a drum luck pole Chase out the Devil with a drum luck pole! (GENEVIEVE COOS) Er, thank you Lisa Howells and Idris for that beautiful christening song.
And now it's time to welcome Genevieve into the family of Christ.
Genevieve Brenda At least someone have had the common decency to name their child after me! (ALL SHUSHING) Genevieve Brenda Aypricot -with a ''Y''.
-(GENEVIEVE CRYING) I baptise you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen and praise be to all the angels.
JAGADEESH: Stella.
Aw, that's lush.
Thanks, Marj.
It's like the one Luke got me, so I'll have a matching pair.
Oh, we got you one like that, exactly the same.
(GENEVIEVE CRYING) -What now? -Yes.
Tell you what, Stell, Michael Jackson'll be having a nice cockin' bash for that niece of mine once she've popped.
-What do you cockin' reckon? -(ALL LAUGHING) -(SNICKERING) -(SNORTING) I doubt it, Rhian.
Of course she's annoyed at ya! One minute you're all over her, tempting her with a marinated rib, the next minute you're leaving her stranded at the barbie, branded a fool.
I know.
I messed up.
Look, please, Jas, give me her number.
I got a bit of intel for you, good boy.
What you on about? See him by there? Pale looking fella in the corner sipping a Bloody Mary? Yeah.
Well, you'll never guess what he do do for a living? Go on.
(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) (GASPS) Knock me sideways on a seesaw! Katie.
I haven't been to many christenings but that was really weird.
(BOTH LAUGH) -Why aren't you at the party? -I'll pop back there later.
I just wanted to see you before I go to France.
Aah -Mum loves it.
-Oh, I know.
The only problem is, she insists on speaking in French BOTH: the whole time.
Well, let's just hope you meet some people your own age, otherwise you're gonna be seriously bored.
I've had nearly 1 8 years being an only child, just me on the holidays in France, Christmas, birthdays all that Look, I know we haven't really so do you have any idea how massive it is for me knowing that in a couple of months' time I'm gonna have a little brother or sister? Katiebear.
When I first found out about the baby, I thought I'd hate the idea of sharing you.
You're not sharing me with anyone.
Yeah, but that's the thing.
I'm looking forward to it.
In fact I, er, can't wait to show you off.
(CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) When did you get to be so wise, Katie Jackson? Chip off the old block, mate.
(CHUCKLES) Erm, it's a little brother, by the way.
Oh, Dad.
(CHUCKLES) Look, I'm gonna come back with you to the party.
I need to see Stella.
Beyonce's there.
Good.
Well, you can never get enough photo frames.
-It's just a token.
-I can see that.
Us local councillors don't get paid, you know, I'm hardly rolling in it.
Especially since Brenda's Buses have bitten the dust.
-Christ, how drunk were you? -Don't start, okay? -He was drowning his sorrows.
-What, 'cause of Lily? Yeah.
But they've been drowned now, all right? Oh, Little Al.
-Cheers, mate.
-What for? You know, for looking out for me and that.
For not going on holiday.
I really appreciate it, like.
-Right.
-Who needs girlfriends, eh? Aw, when we've got each other.
KATIE: Stella.
-He changed his mind.
-Sorry.
Oh, hello.
BEYONCE: Aw, that's lush! Happy families.
-(EXHALES) -And what about me, Mike? Where do I fit in, bibs? She don't want no cockin' trouble, butt, all right? No, it's a fair question.
Well, you're having a baby.
I'm his father, and when he's born I'm gonna do all I can to help bring him up.
Are you? But just so you know, I won't be manipulated by you or buy into any of your sob stories.
My only interest is the welfare of my son.
Is that clear? -Do you understand? -Yes, I understand, okay.
Good.
And are you taking any iron tablets? -Oh, yes.
-Yeah, I sorted that out for her.
And folic acid, because you should still be taking that at seven months.
Yes, man! God! Stop going on.
Er, everyone, can I have your attention for a mo I got a few apologies from people for not being here today.
My sister Emma, as you know, is in India.
Pathetic excuse.
-And, er, Zoe's at her dad's.
-Disgusting.
But we're all thrilled to welcome Genevieve Brenda Aypricot with a ''Y'' into the family.
-(TITTERING) -You taking the piss? And I've got something here to read out.
It's from Karl, it is, who obviously couldn't be here.
To his daughter's own christening.
Mmm.
It's gonna cost her a fortune in therapy when she's older.
-(CLICKS TONGUE) -LUKE: Here we go.
Erm, it's a poem.
Aw.
''Genevieve, Genevieve, give me leave, my Genevieve.
(SOBS) ''Higher than the light at night ''and bigger than a massive jar of Marmite ''is my love for you, my little girl, ''my youngest daughter, ''cleaner than a glass of water.
-''Genevieve, Genevieve'' -KARL: Genevieve Give me leave, my Genevieve.
(SOBS) My Big Beast! You came back! -You came back! -Hitch-hiked all the way, I did.
-To be here with my girls.
-(BAWLS) Karl, I knew you wouldn't let us down.
(AUNTY BRENDA BAWLING) All this poetry is making me go a bit D.
H.
Lawrence.
I don't suppose you'd be interested in seeing my prize marrow, would you? (AUNTY BRENDA BAWLING) You all right, Stell? Mum.
-(HEAVY BREATHING) STELLA: My, oh, my, that is a big one.
MICHAEL: Yes, indeed.
It took a lot of hard work to get it that size.
(STELLA LAUGHS) -You feeling fruity, babes? -What do you think I am, a lap dancer? And what in the name of the Manic Street Preachers do you know about undertaking? You don't stand a chance, Aunty Brenda.
I know what I'm doing, okay? What, so you're just gonna give into her every time she asks for something? Expensive shag, weren't it, Mike?
We just done three and a half K, didn't we, babes? Serious? I won't let childbirth get the better of me, Stell.
No way.
And it wouldn't do you no harm to shift a few pounds.
just 'cause there's no man in the house -Well, actually -don't mean you should let yourself go to the dog.
Right, well, er, let me know if you need anything doing for the christening.
I'm in college, but I can always nip out.
I'm all sorted.
As long as your Luke don't let me down.
So long! (EXHALES) (INDISTINCT) -Morning.
-Good morning.
Thank you.
MICHAEL: I miss you so much.
STELLA: Yeah.
I'm useless without you.
(GASPS) Gotcha! Stella, what are you doing? I swear to God, once you pass 40 your eyebrows give birth overnight.
(CHUCKLES) Nice.
What time you back later them, presh? Er, about 9.
;00? Ooh, do us a favour.
On your way home, pick us up a christening present? Something cheap like a photo frame.
You're a godmother, you can't just get them a photo frame! I didn't ask to be godmother.
Ey, you know that prize draw I entered? -Er, there've been quite a few -(CHUCKLES) The one in the magazine.
Well, this morning I won two dozen bottles of mouthwash.
Oh, good, I can put them with the two dozen bottles of toilet cleaner you won last week.
Hands off, Jackson, I'm selling 'em in the car boot.
Yeah, look, about the car boot -BEN: Mam, hurry up, I need the bog! -(KNOCKS ON DOOR) -Good morning.
-No, it isn't.
MICHAEL: Hi, Ben.
It's just so silly you sending off for freebies all the time, I'm earning good money.
Yeah, and spending most of it on London rent and rail fares.
(EXHALES) Look.
I am using my initiative to keep us above water, that's all.
I cannot wait to see you.
Me too.
Can we have lots of disgusting sex? Yes.
As soon as I've watered my runner beans.
And that's not a euphemism.
(LAUGHS) You and your bloody allotment, honestly.
-Michael -Yeah? When are you gonna speak to her? Oh, don't start this again.
Oh, it's not gonna go away, presh.
Beyonce Evans is having your baby in eight weeks.
And you won't talk to her or, or see her or even acknowledge it's happening.
Look, I've got to go, sorry.
Enjoy your last day at college.
Bye! (SIGHS) Great.
jag, I'll stick this in the stockroom, shall I, butt? Yes, please.
Butt.
(LAUGHS) Knock yourself out.
Though, not literally.
But if you did knock yourself out, that would be fine, because you'd be completely covered by my public liability insurance, third party, fire and theft.
Bet you still can't believe it's happening, eh? Your name above a pub door.
Although, I want this place to be so much more than a pub.
I want the Frisky Fox to be the heartbeat of Pontyberry.
-Oh.
-BOTH: A community hub.
Yeah, you said.
The room at the back will be the home of all sorts, er, computer classes, yoga, dance classes, a whole cacophony of community events.
This till don't add up, again.
Uh, Jasminder, I'm riffing.
It's 50 quid out.
Look.
It don't take a genius to work out who's been helping themselves.
Hush your accusations, you'll get me sued for slander! Well, I'm sorry but there's definitely something shifty about that woman.
Shifty? Well, speaking of shifty, your shifty tonight will start at 6 o'clock.
Oh, I ain't working tonight, it's Friday.
Well, that is exactly why you are working tonight.
Because we're going to be run off our feet.
Sorry to interrupt, like, do you want me to make a start on the bedrooms? Yes, please, Carole.
just 'cause I'm your daughter doesn't mean you can take the mick.
You are sounding exactly like your mother now.
I'm gonna call her.
And I'll do around the architraves, is it? Yes, yes.
Complaining at every whip, snip and dongle.
No wonder she divorced ya.
I divorced her.
As well you know.
I did.
I divorced her.
Right.
Oh, jag.
I hear you got a function room for community events and what have you? -That's right.
-Only my cousin was looking for somewhere.
-Is he? -For a community cockin' cock fight.
(CLUCKING) Oh.
(CHUCKLES) And you'll have to, you know, announce the Devil and stand by the Pont, and light the candle.
It's a big honour being a godfather, son.
-Yeah.
-Like Marlon Brando in the film.
(IMITATES MARLON BRANDO) ''I'm gonna make him an offer so's he won't refuse.
'' Though, I guess, he was a bit older than you was, Brando.
-Yeah.
-KARL: And a bit fatter.
Talking about me again, Karl? All right, Stell? What? -No! No, no! -I been having a clear-out.
Found that old christening gown you was after of your nana's.
Ah, that's disgusting, that is.
It looks like a manky duster.
Do you want me to sell it at the car boot? Aye, go on then.
Aw, Ben, why you doing this to yourself? He's not on the porn, is he, Stell? He told me he was doing his homework.
I ain't doing nothing.
No, he's stalking his ex-girlfriend on Facebook, look! What do know about Facebook? You watch, come the autumn you won't even remember Lily's name.
-Will he, Karl? -Nope.
-Yeah, right.
-Oh, bloody hell.
I actually used to wear these.
Do you remember? Oh, yeah.
Used to make your arse look massive.
(CHUCKLES) Oi, shut up, you.
-(LAUGHS) -(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) Hiya, Bobs! Tea in the pot if you want some.
Don't bother, I'm having a can.
Right, see you in church then, is it? -Yeah, so long.
-Ta-ra.
Are you sure you should be drinking this time of the morning? Well, it's not morning to me, is it? I've just done a night shift.
Oh look, love, I know you hate this job, but something else'll come along.
You just gotta hang on in there.
I've been hanging on so long, I look like a row of washing.
Oh, my God, Mam.
-What's the matter? -Lily's just updated her status! She's seeing Darren Lomax.
(BOBBY OPENING CAN) (GULPING) (GRUNTS) -This week's rent, Aunty Bren.
-Aw.
Thanks, Cheryl, love.
It's all there, minus £3.
70 for the use of my razor.
(GASPS) Honest to God, Marj, I rue the day I ever took that one on as a lodger.
She still prancing 'round in the buff? Less than she was, but I live in fear on a daily basis.
Hey, kid! That wife of yours gone off gallivanting, I hear.
She's not gallivanting, her dad's had a heart attack.
She's gone to look after him.
Er, so she'd say.
Left him quite literally holding the baby, Marj.
With no job, and a gambling addiction.
Ey, they're looking for people up the turkey farm, butt.
Are they? Right, well, I'll bear it in mind.
Cheers.
Where to have you been, Luke Morgan? Quarter past, we said.
What do you expect? He's a man! -And an ex-con! -Oh, thanks for that.
AUNTY BRENDA: What you doing leaving him in charge? I got no choice, Aunty Bren.
Karl's not back till the early hours and I got a barrage of things to do before the christening.
Including a bikini wax and an eyebrow thread.
Right, Luke.
Don't let anyone pee in my bidet.
So long.
Ey, yo! You'll be back by 5:00, though, won't you? Never trust a woman with a bidet, kid.
(GENEVIEVE CRYING) All right, come on, then.
(MICHAEL SPEAKING ARABIC) Well? -They've confirmed for Monday.
-Brilliant.
This case could be really lucrative for us, Michael.
Well, he's not ours yet.
No, but he will be.
Let me buy you a drink after work.
-To celebrate.
-Sorry, but I want to get off early.
Of course.
Back to your little Welsh rarebit.
Hey, I was talking about your evening meal.
(CLEARS THROAT) Listen, I think it's great that you're managing to make it work, -this weekend commute.
-Thanks.
-But if it becomes a problem -It won't become a problem.
Good.
I'll just wipe down them tables, then I'll zip off, all right? -Thank you.
-Oh, and I found this in bedroom three.
I took all the cash, of course.
What? I'm joking.
But his phone number's in there and a few cards, so you should be able to track him down.
(WHISPERS) I told ya.
CELIA: It's one of those things, campervanning, you either love it or you hate it.
And we love it.
How about you two, any chance of getting away? Well, I'm working on it.
I've entered seven holiday competitions.
Seven? Three cruises, two city breaks, skiing in the French Alps -Can you ski? -No.
And ten days on a long boat in the Norfolk Broads.
One of them's gotta come good.
CHERYL: Right! Look sharp! Your final class of the year.
Yep, it's summertime.
But the living ain't easy.
Not if you're a nurse.
Because a nurse, Stella Morris, is always on duty, even when she or he is wearing a bikini and playing volleyball on a beach.
I rang the owner of the wallet, he was very relieved.
I'll bet.
Though he claims there was £30 in there.
Then he's lying.
Yes, sorry, my head is all over the place at the moment.
(CHUCKLES) I'm short-staffed for tonight, and, on top of that, the till seems to be £50 out It's just Well, don't blame me, I'm the cleaner, I don't go nowhere near the till.
Of course.
Sorry.
Jasminder's till code is J-A-S, yeah? Yes, I believe so.
Well, you can see she's put in a glass of wine at £54, instead of £4.
I don't think even you would charge 54 quid for a glass of wine, -would you, jag? -No, indeed.
Ah, the whole thing just didn't make sense, money disappearing from under my nose like that.
But, but you have solved it.
(LAUGHS) -Excellent.
-No, it's not excellent.
You thought I'd nicked it, didn't you? -What? No.
No.
Of course not.
-Do you know what? I don't have to take this! You can stuff your bloody job! No, Carole! Carole? Carole, please! KATIE: Right, I'll see you at the barbecue.
I'm only bringing crisps.
I've done some marinated spare ribs, low-salt oyster sauce with a hint of garlic and chilli.
What you bringing? A preload.
Oh, he's sulking 'cause of Lily and Darren Lomax.
Ah, mate, Lomax is a joke.
He still believes in the tooth fairy.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, go easy, Ben, for God's sake.
Or you'll make an idiot of yourself.
Too late.
I already did that.
'Cause, apparently, when she told me she loved me, she was lying! -(BOTH CHUCKLE) -Oh, God.
(SIGHS) God, I do feel for you having Cheryl living opposite you.
-Watching over you all summer.
-I know! And remember Every step you take, every breath you take, every move you take, make (CHUCKLES) Right, come on, first round's on me.
Yeah, I'll catch you up, I just gotta pop the library.
It's summer holidays.
Hello? Won't be long.
You're very strange, you know that? Yeah, well, I'm not hanging round here all day, I got stuff to do.
just take a seat.
Janet will be with you now, all right? Is there a problem? I'm just saying, this is what is wrong with the NHS, Beyonce Evans? About time, I been waiting ages.
Well, come on, then.
This was your idea.
I take it you're her mother? No.
I'm actually the girlfriend of the father of her baby.
Jeremy Kyle, eat your heart out, eh? (CANDYCRUSH MUSIC PLAYING) AUTOMATED VOICE: Tasty! -(EXHALES) -(DOOR OPENS) Nadine's not back yet, Aunty Bren.
Any chance you could baby-sit? Only, I got to get to Cardiff.
(BLOWS RASPBERRIES) What do you think I am, Luke Morgan? Some underpaid au pair from the Eastern Bloc? I'm a high-powered civil servant with constituents to attend to.
Oh, banging your door down, are they? (AUNTY BRENDA SIGHS) Right, you two.
You'll have to come with me.
(HEARTBEAT SOUNDING) Oh, my God, is there something wrong with it? 'Cause I'm not having it if there's something wrong with it, like its head's fallen off or something.
Don't say things like that.
No.
All looking perfectly normal.
It was a waste of bloody time.
Could've been that dodgy curry, that's all.
You were right to come in, though.
Always best to check.
Yeah, well, it's her, it is.
Fuss arsing around me all the time.
Do you want to keep the scan photo? I'm afraid we have to charge £2.
Oh, well, I've heard it all now.
I know.
Hospital policy, sorry.
Yeah, well, you can stick it.
Erm, look.
I'll take it.
(CHUCKLES) just in case she changes her mind.
Are you some kind of saint or what? Thank you very much.
Ah! You're back early.
Hiya! Yeah, I thought I'd surprise your mum.
Bit late for a kids' day out, isn't it? Yeah, I've gotta go Cardiff, but Nadine's dumped me in it.
Ah.
Ey, listen, I don't suppose you could have 'em for me, could you? Only, they're not really meant to go to Er, no.
Sorry, Luke.
I was gonna make her dinner and everything.
You're all right.
Though, I thought you'd have liked the practise, Michael.
What is it now, two months away? Don't worry about it.
STELLA: You been taking them iron tablets I give you? Yeah, and they're rank.
Stop me, you know, going like Yeah, well, they're really good for the baby.
And, listen, it's really chilly outside today and you've hardly got anything on.
Borrow my cardi, is it? Whoa! Right little fashion queen, aren't you, Stell? -It does the job.
-(LAUGHS) Christ, let's hope I don't see no one I know.
You got money for the bus? Er, what do you think? Right.
Well, take this.
You can't walk home, for God's sake.
Cheers.
Oh, and, er, send my love to Mike.
He do know you're seeing me today, didn't he? Course he do.
How's it looking? We got the first of our new potatoes up.
-Bit of butter on them now for tea.
-Nice.
Your courgettes are taking over the place, butt.
Yeah, I know.
I'm gonna do a big harvest this weekend.
-Michael Jackson.
-Oh, Aunty Brenda! As your local councillor, elected, I'm offering you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for a one-on-one private and confidential consultation about anything you like.
-As long as it's legal.
Come on! -(CHUCKLES) Well, I don't really have anything that's, er There must be something I can help you with? -(CLEARS THROAT) -Flickering lampposts? Rubbish collection? Asylum seeking? No, no.
I'm absolutely fine.
What's the point? You're just as bad as the rest of Pontyberry.
Apathy courses through your veins.
No, it doesn't, I just don't have any problems.
You've got an illegitimate child in the belly of a jezebel.
I'd have thought that was problem enough! That is none of your business! And it's certainly not something I'd talk to a local bloody councillor about! Jesus! Yep.
KATIE: We're not abandoning you, Ben.
Yeah, you are.
Leaving me stuck in Pontyberry all summer while you're down France chasing frogmen.
Oi! And he's in a bloody campervan somewhere ''oop north!'' -Well, I'll swap with you, if you like.
-(SCOFFS) No, thanks.
Oh, come on.
The great outdoors! You'll have a right laugh.
Katie, have you ever been inside a campervan? I mean, what's gonna happen night time? I dunno which is worse, listening to my old man snore, or worrying that I'm gonna hear 'em having sex.
-KATIE: Eww! -Gross! -Oh, my God, don't look now.
-What? (GASPS) Oh, Ben, just leave it.
Please don't do anything, you'll ruin the party.
It's all right, I ain't gonna do nothing.
BOTH: Ben! Thing is, Jag, I'm a powerhouse of ideas, bursting to get out there and change the world, but the world just don't want changing! (CHUCKLES) At least you're not a security guard at a warehouse up north.
God, my life's a joke! Jag! Jag! Jag! -Jag! Jag! -One moment please, Nadine, I'm serving! -But it's an emergency! -Please bear with me.
The bakery have closed and I haven't got the cake for tomorrow.
Oh no, they dropped it off.
It's in the kitchen.
(RELIEVED SIGH) Oh, God, my head's all over the 'op.
Ey, that Luke Morgan was expecting you home an hour ago.
Oh, what's the matter with him? It's not like he haven't got nothing else to do.
Aye.
Anyway, he've taken 'em somewhere, Christ knows where.
Probably sat right now at a gaming table playing high stakes poker, cigar in one hand, baby Genevieve in the other.
(INDISTINCT ARGUMENT) -LITTLE ALAN: Ben, leave him! -Darren, stop it! -She's not worth it, mate.
-Ben, Ben, Ben! -Ben! -Come here.
-Get off! -He's telling the truth, Ben.
You and me were over long before we got together with Darren.
What, like a week? -Nine days.
-It's over, mate.
Like the song says, ''I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts, ''but you've got to walk away now.
'' -What song's that? -The Streets, I think it was.
Dry your eyes, mate I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts Oh, yeah.
I used to love that song when I was little.
(BOTH) But you've got to walk away now Excuse me, I'm in pieces here, and you two think you're on fucking X Factor! Yeah, sorry.
-I'm sorry.
-(EXHALES) -Little Al -What? He needs his best friend right now, yeah? Look after him for me.
'Cause I still care about him, yeah? The only thing you care about is Lomax.
And he still believes in the tooth fairy! (SOBBING) Oh, my God! Cerys? Hiya.
-What, you two know each other? -Oh, well, sort of.
-We met at my dad's wedding, didn't we? -Yeah.
(GIGGLES) Right, well, I don't know about you but I'm gasping for a sausage.
-You never called me -I lost my phone Sorry, no, you go on.
(CHUCKLES) I lost my phone and I didn't know anyone else that had your number.
I thought about Facebooking you, but then I really wasn't sure -if you were that bothered -I was bothered! I was totally bothered! (BOTH LAUGHING) Nope.
Never smoked, never gambled, never drugged.
Never even binged on chocolate cake or stuffed my face in a pie.
I am totally in control of my vices, which comprise alcohol.
I know my limits.
Coffee, two cups a day, and occasional lapses into hardcore sadomasochistic sex.
(GASPS) Now, if you'll excuse me, Betty Wong do look like she've got in with the wrong crowd.
BIKER: Come on, get the beer down you.
Get some beer down you.
Some beer.
All right? Busy, isn't it? Which is why me and him are making a move.
Come on, chirpy chops.
Bowl of my stew will put a smile on your face.
Yeah, whatever.
Well, don't be coming home too early tonight, Bobs, I want a bit of private time for me and Michael.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (DISGUSTED SIGH) (GRUNTS) -Have some water.
-No.
I worry about you, Ben.
-No, you don't! -I do! You're like a, sort of, I dunno, a pretend kid brother or something.
You'll have the real thing in a few weeks, won't you? And then you'll forget about me.
I could never forget you, you're too annoying.
And I doubt I'll ever meet my dad's baby.
He won't even talk to me about it.
Or Stella.
Oh, he's really messed up, bless him.
Well, if he hadn't been such an almighty shagger and messed my mam around, he wouldn't even be in this mess, would he? You're a dick! (GRUNTS) (DOOR CLOSES) Have you seen that Luke Morgan? Is he in O'Hare? Oh, just let yourself in, Nadine, why don't you? He's not answering his mobile.
I've not seen heel nor hand of him since this morning.
Erm, he was at the station earlier, taking the kids to Cardiff.
Cardiff! Well, if he's not back within an hour, I'm calling the police.
And you can tell him that from me, Michael Jackson.
How? How can I tell him Oh, God.
So, that's where I'm at, I suppose.
I can't say it's gone away, you know, that feeling of, I dunno, needing to gamble.
I still cross the road when I pass the bookies, even the bloody scratch cards call out to me sometimes when I'm buying my fags.
But it's getting less.
It's getting better.
just keep going, I guess.
Ey, it's true what they say about a day at a time.
-Cheers.
-(GENEVIEVE COOING) WOMAN: Thanks for that.
Oh, and if anyone's interested, I'm thinking of starting a new meeting in Pontyberry, so I'll keep you posted, like.
(MOBILE RINGING) just gotta Nadine.
No, she's fine.
No, she haven't been playing roulette! JAGADEESH: Jasminder, please! I need your help.
Two vodka tonics coming right up.
If you come now, I will pay you double.
-MAN: Come on, Jag! -£2.
20 change.
And, madam, you are next, I promise.
I will pay you triple, please? Okay, who's next? -ALL: Jag! -Me, Jag! I'm next! And Michael knows nothing about it? I could hardly tell him, could I? ''Oh, Michael, I've been in regular contact ''with the mother of your unborn child ''who you want absolutely nothing to do with.
'' Well, he's gonna find out sooner or later.
I know.
(SIGHS) Hey, shouldn't you get going? Oh, God, yeah, I'm not even sure Little Alan's packed yet! We'll send lots of postcards.
Yeah, and don't let Alan do nothing stupid like hang-gliding or potholing, you know what he's like.
Aw, mate, two whole months.
I'm really gonna miss you, you know.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
Now bugger off.
(CHUCKLES) Carole.
It is JAGADEESH, again.
If you get this message, perhaps you would reconsider One minute, please.
Reconsider and come and One moment, please.
Come and help me, please.
Jag? You all right? I cannot cope.
Stella, I've taken on too much.
MAN 1 : Come on, Jag! MAN 2: Come on Jag! Right, you lot, calm down or you won't get served.
Billy Cobb, you're next.
It's been so brilliant seeing you tonight, like, such a shock.
I mean a good shock.
(CHUCKLES) So, you gonna walk me home then, or what? Yeah, all right! (BOTH LAUGHING) I'll get us a couple of burgers for the journey.
(GIGGLES) Ey! Cerys Ferris lives in a terrace! -You should do stand-up.
-Oh! Only joking, Little Al.
-CELIA: Little Alan! -Celia! -Little Alan, I've been calling you! -Have you? Your dad's been held up in Gloucester, so Yanto's gonna take us to meet him there.
-Come on.
-But I was gonna -Look, can I just say goodbye to -No, you can't.
Love, we're late! Ben, if you see Cerys (BOTH LAUGHING) (BEN BLOWS HORN) (LAUGHING) (DOORBELL RINGS) Surprise! Aw, bibs, you shouldn't have! Beyonce.
It's good to see you, Mike.
You're looking hot.
I, er, I brought Stella's cardi back.
She lent it me today at the hospital.
Good as gold, she is, fair play, always looking out for me.
You saw Stella today? Er, yeah.
She come the scan with me.
What? Anyway, say thanks and that.
I'll see her next week, most probs.
She brought this back.
(SIGHS) She said you lent it to her when you went for the scan, for fuck's sake.
Yeah.
And she said you were quote, ''Always looking out for her.
'' I can't not care about your baby, Michael.
I wish I didn't, but I do.
Stella It's a little boy.
Look.
-Look, I'm going to bed.
-Michael No, I really don't want to talk about this.
Oh, please don't let it spoil our evening together.
I've got so much to tell you.
I got a job tonight at the pub and Stell, why does everyone in this town think it's okay to barge in to other people's houses? -I need to stay with you this summer.
-BOTH: What? -Celia, what's going on? -He says he's not coming on holiday.
-Mike.
-Hi.
I'm nearly 1 8.
I know her and dad like vanning, but I can't stand it -and I'm not a kid any more! -Look, where's Alan? -He's stuck in bloody Gloucester! -He's in Gloucester.
-I'm taking them to meet him.
-NADINE: Stella! -Oh, great! -Nadine! -Once again! Come on in! -Don't be disgusting! Your Luke absconded with Genevieve today, took her to Cardiff, he did, without so much as a by-your-knee.
-Not now, Nadine.
-I'll wash up, I'll help around the house I'm sure she's picked up one of them germs from one of them gamblers.
Nadine! LITTLE ALAN: I'll make my bed What's Alan gonna say if I turn up without him? -BEN: I'm home! -(DOOR SHUTS) -Oh, my God! Ben? -Mam! I'm really drunk and someone's written ''knob'' on my head.
See? Little Alan! So, can I stay, then, Stell? Can I? Can I? Can I? -I don't know.
-You didn't go vanning.
You stayed for me! Even though I'm a total knob.
Look.
-Yeah, well, actually it's because -I love you! We're gonna have the best summer.
just you and me.
No poncey girls or Or girls or nothing.
We're gonna have a boys' summer, yeah? -Yeah, Ben, calm down.
-Yeah, calm down and get to bed! -And drink some bloody water! -(DOOR CLOSES) What in the name of Michael Ball is going on? Me and him have just been watching David Attenborough's whatyermacall, but there's more wildlife happening in here, by the looks! And good God, what are you still doing here? I thought you'd be off traipsing round the country in your vampercan! -I'm going to bed.
-Michael (ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY) Would you all get out of my house! (MOBILE CHIMING) Good morning.
Ivan Schloss, International Director of Funerals.
No, we are not open yet for business.
Wednesday Well, can you keep her in a cool place for a couple of days? Out of direct sunlight? Good.
(GASPS) Ugh.
People like you make me sick.
It's not natural.
Exercise do banish the demons and ward off disease.
Plus, I've not been invited to this christening and I don't want to look like I care.
Will you please put that filthy cigarette out? Don't start on me, I'm depressed.
That as may be, Bobby Gittins, but it's coming in through the letterbox! How's this baby gonna get christened if it's coughing up in the vicar's face? All right, Dine? Everything ready? Yeah, well, apart from the fact I've not heard from Karl.
He was supposed to be here If he've had an accident and ruined his daughter's big day, so help me, Stell, I'll never forgive him.
Oh, he'll be here now, you watch.
Your Michael have been down that allotment since the crack of sparrows.
(CHUCKLES) (EXHALES) Coffee? Katie's gonna see us there.
She's really excited about France.
(CHUCKLES) Really? Hey, you've got plenty of carrots there.
I'll have to make a carrot cake later.
I nearly lost you to Beyonce-bloody-Evans.
Surely you can see I don't want to have anything to do with her? And she's mental! She freaks me out, if I'm honest.
She's just young.
And a bit stupid.
And probably quite scared.
Christ, don't defend her! I'm not.
Look, I won't contact her again, okay? Thank you.
I've ironed your pink shirt.
You gonna wear that with your blue suit? I'm not going.
Oh, don't be daft, everyone's expecting you.
Well, they'll just have to be disappointed, won't they? Come on, it'll be a laugh.
God, what is it with you and the Pollyanna attitude? ''Cheer up, it might never happen!'' It's just so annoying! What, you think I'm enjoying this, do you? People pointing at me when I go to the garage or the shop, ''That's the one whose boyfriend had a one-night stand ''and got the girl pregnant.
God knows why she haven't left him!'' Who says things like that? No, tell me who they are! Or putting up with Beyonce and her nasty little digs and her big pregnant belly staring me in the face, reminding me of what you both did.
It isn't fun, believe me! (SIGHS) I know.
And I'm sorry.
I feel so (SNIFFLES) Ashamed, I suppose.
(SIGHS) Yeah, well, get over yourself, Michael.
'Cause when that baby arrives, he's gonna need your help.
And you droning on about what a bad person you are don't do no one no favours.
(EXHALES) This is a disaster.
We'll never be ready in time.
-Oh, chill, Dad.
It'll be fine.
-(DOOR OPENS) What do you know? You're probably still drunk from last night.
Carole.
Let's get one thing straight, I'm honest as the day's long, me, I don't nick from no one, I never have, and I resent people thinking the worst of me because I always think the best of them.
Accuse me again and I'll walk out of here and never look back.
But treat me with respect and I'll be as loyal as a butcher's dog.
Now pass me that hoover, you got the attachment on wrong.
I am so terribly sorry.
And so you should be.
You look hideous.
-Thanks.
-(BELL TOLLING) And you've still got ''knob'' written on your forehead.
Won't come off.
Do a comb-over.
(SIGHS) It's just a really difficult situation.
And my dad can be so stubborn.
Well, that's men for you.
Don't suppose you'd have a word with him, would you? We're not exactly friends at the moment.
(WAILING) Stell! Stell! What am I gonna do! It's Karl! Oh, my God, have he died? What? No! But his flight got cancelled from Aberdeen.
He's not coming the christening! How can a father not come to his own daughter's christening? Nadine, you're gonna have to calm down, you'll upset the baby.
I'm as calm as a bloody duck pond! Right, we'll just have to carry on without him 'cause everyone's gone inside now.
(LABOURED BREATHING) Come on.
(CHUCKLES) And the little bitty babbie boy Boy Cried out with a gully lung and lay Lay A sorry life for above me lived Lived When the Devil saw my dying maid Maid Sing out to the one who betook my soul And cry to the one who forsook my toll My Manny over the brook and roll And chase out the Devil with a drum luck pole Chase out the Devil with a drum luck pole! (GENEVIEVE COOS) Er, thank you Lisa Howells and Idris for that beautiful christening song.
And now it's time to welcome Genevieve into the family of Christ.
Genevieve Brenda At least someone have had the common decency to name their child after me! (ALL SHUSHING) Genevieve Brenda Aypricot -with a ''Y''.
-(GENEVIEVE CRYING) I baptise you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen and praise be to all the angels.
JAGADEESH: Stella.
Aw, that's lush.
Thanks, Marj.
It's like the one Luke got me, so I'll have a matching pair.
Oh, we got you one like that, exactly the same.
(GENEVIEVE CRYING) -What now? -Yes.
Tell you what, Stell, Michael Jackson'll be having a nice cockin' bash for that niece of mine once she've popped.
-What do you cockin' reckon? -(ALL LAUGHING) -(SNICKERING) -(SNORTING) I doubt it, Rhian.
Of course she's annoyed at ya! One minute you're all over her, tempting her with a marinated rib, the next minute you're leaving her stranded at the barbie, branded a fool.
I know.
I messed up.
Look, please, Jas, give me her number.
I got a bit of intel for you, good boy.
What you on about? See him by there? Pale looking fella in the corner sipping a Bloody Mary? Yeah.
Well, you'll never guess what he do do for a living? Go on.
(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY) (GASPS) Knock me sideways on a seesaw! Katie.
I haven't been to many christenings but that was really weird.
(BOTH LAUGH) -Why aren't you at the party? -I'll pop back there later.
I just wanted to see you before I go to France.
Aah -Mum loves it.
-Oh, I know.
The only problem is, she insists on speaking in French BOTH: the whole time.
Well, let's just hope you meet some people your own age, otherwise you're gonna be seriously bored.
I've had nearly 1 8 years being an only child, just me on the holidays in France, Christmas, birthdays all that Look, I know we haven't really so do you have any idea how massive it is for me knowing that in a couple of months' time I'm gonna have a little brother or sister? Katiebear.
When I first found out about the baby, I thought I'd hate the idea of sharing you.
You're not sharing me with anyone.
Yeah, but that's the thing.
I'm looking forward to it.
In fact I, er, can't wait to show you off.
(CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) When did you get to be so wise, Katie Jackson? Chip off the old block, mate.
(CHUCKLES) Erm, it's a little brother, by the way.
Oh, Dad.
(CHUCKLES) Look, I'm gonna come back with you to the party.
I need to see Stella.
Beyonce's there.
Good.
Well, you can never get enough photo frames.
-It's just a token.
-I can see that.
Us local councillors don't get paid, you know, I'm hardly rolling in it.
Especially since Brenda's Buses have bitten the dust.
-Christ, how drunk were you? -Don't start, okay? -He was drowning his sorrows.
-What, 'cause of Lily? Yeah.
But they've been drowned now, all right? Oh, Little Al.
-Cheers, mate.
-What for? You know, for looking out for me and that.
For not going on holiday.
I really appreciate it, like.
-Right.
-Who needs girlfriends, eh? Aw, when we've got each other.
KATIE: Stella.
-He changed his mind.
-Sorry.
Oh, hello.
BEYONCE: Aw, that's lush! Happy families.
-(EXHALES) -And what about me, Mike? Where do I fit in, bibs? She don't want no cockin' trouble, butt, all right? No, it's a fair question.
Well, you're having a baby.
I'm his father, and when he's born I'm gonna do all I can to help bring him up.
Are you? But just so you know, I won't be manipulated by you or buy into any of your sob stories.
My only interest is the welfare of my son.
Is that clear? -Do you understand? -Yes, I understand, okay.
Good.
And are you taking any iron tablets? -Oh, yes.
-Yeah, I sorted that out for her.
And folic acid, because you should still be taking that at seven months.
Yes, man! God! Stop going on.
Er, everyone, can I have your attention for a mo I got a few apologies from people for not being here today.
My sister Emma, as you know, is in India.
Pathetic excuse.
-And, er, Zoe's at her dad's.
-Disgusting.
But we're all thrilled to welcome Genevieve Brenda Aypricot with a ''Y'' into the family.
-(TITTERING) -You taking the piss? And I've got something here to read out.
It's from Karl, it is, who obviously couldn't be here.
To his daughter's own christening.
Mmm.
It's gonna cost her a fortune in therapy when she's older.
-(CLICKS TONGUE) -LUKE: Here we go.
Erm, it's a poem.
Aw.
''Genevieve, Genevieve, give me leave, my Genevieve.
(SOBS) ''Higher than the light at night ''and bigger than a massive jar of Marmite ''is my love for you, my little girl, ''my youngest daughter, ''cleaner than a glass of water.
-''Genevieve, Genevieve'' -KARL: Genevieve Give me leave, my Genevieve.
(SOBS) My Big Beast! You came back! -You came back! -Hitch-hiked all the way, I did.
-To be here with my girls.
-(BAWLS) Karl, I knew you wouldn't let us down.
(AUNTY BRENDA BAWLING) All this poetry is making me go a bit D.
H.
Lawrence.
I don't suppose you'd be interested in seeing my prize marrow, would you? (AUNTY BRENDA BAWLING) You all right, Stell? Mum.
-(HEAVY BREATHING) STELLA: My, oh, my, that is a big one.
MICHAEL: Yes, indeed.
It took a lot of hard work to get it that size.
(STELLA LAUGHS) -You feeling fruity, babes? -What do you think I am, a lap dancer? And what in the name of the Manic Street Preachers do you know about undertaking? You don't stand a chance, Aunty Brenda.
I know what I'm doing, okay? What, so you're just gonna give into her every time she asks for something? Expensive shag, weren't it, Mike?