Stella (2012) s04e10 Episode Script

Series 4, Episode 10

And I nominate any guest who doesn't come to our wedding dressed as a character beginning with A or C.
(CHEERING) - I've been gambling.
- What? I told you, Luke.
I don't do instalments.
My hand feels weird without it.
(VOCALISING) And then she smiles And my heart starts beating I go weak inside Na na na na na na Na na na STELLA: Oh.
(LAUGHS) Thought it were just me and the milkman got up this early.
Oh, I'm catching the 6:30.
Interview's at nine.
Oh, of course.
You look great.
Do I? Yeah.
Oh, before I forget.
Um, got this for Ben.
Just a little good luck card from me and Katie.
Aw, thanks, presh.
But to be honest, he's that confident at passing.
He's already been on Karl to buy him a car.
(LAUGHS) Well, fingers crossed.
For both of us.
And don't worry.
You'll be brilliant.
Thanks.
Half this stuff ain't even paid for, man.
(SIGHS) MAN: Did you bring the stereo? (MOBILE RINGS) You are not gonna believe this.
What? - STELLA: Rob's flying back today? - Today.
Yes.
Well, why didn't you tell me? I just did.
I weren't expecting him to jump on a plane, was I? I thought when he said he'd sort things, that he'd just transfer some money, or Well, carry on.
Don't mind me.
I'm just the Pontyberry gooseberry here.
Well, where's he gonna stay? The Belmont? I would have thought so.
No.
He'll stay with us.
Got no beds, have you.
They didn't take the beds.
Aw.
That was generous of them.
(LUKE SIGHS) Right, well, I know your father's gonna sort you out, but I want you to have this for now.
What Mum, I can't.
It's Bobby's rent.
And it's for food, Luke.
Nothing else.
Don't be giving it to Iwan-bloody-Jenkins.
Thanks.
And over in that black bag there are your costumes.
Now, I know most probs you don't feel like celebrating Alan and Celia's nuptials right now Not really, no.
but at least you'll all have something to wear.
Nothing more socially embarrassing than turning up at a fancy-dress wedding without a costume.
Oh, I dunno.
Living in a house with no furniture comes a pretty close second.
Cavemen.
Well, it begins with a C, don't it? And be grateful you're not Aunty Brenda.
She'd want to be Carmen Miranda.
Who? Oh.
What do you reckon? C for chauffeur? You look like a Thunderbird.
You're not wearing that on the test, are you? No.
It's for tomorrow.
Big Al have asked me drive him and Celia to their wedding.
You've got to pass first, presh.
No probs, I'm gonna smash it.
Mmm.
Not if you're late, you're not.
Oh, bollocks! ALL: Language! All right.
I better go, too.
Get ready for our houseguest.
Thanks for the money, Mum.
And you, Bobs.
STELLA: So long.
Aw.
Never-ending worry with kids, ain't it, Stell? (BOBBY LAUGHS) We failed, didn't we, Dad? Fail is a four-letter word, Little Alan.
I know.
And we failed, didn't we? Yeah.
We failed.
But why? 'Cause we had everything.
Except customers.
He's here, then.
Aye.
He thinks it's gonna go like a hotcake.
CELIA: Oh, love.
What do they always say about when one door closes? Another one slams in your face.
Right, come on.
I could murder a cup of tea.
Anyone know a good caf? (APPLAUDING) Hello.
This is for you, Stella.
It gives me great pleasure in awarding you the Saint Catherine's Student Scholarship for next year.
(EXHALES) Is this a practical joke? No.
The scholarship is essentially a reward for achievement and diligence, and you've just aced your exams.
- You should be very proud.
- (GASPS) Okay, rabble, back to work.
You know, Stella, this will open up new horizons.
I'm very glad I was still here to present you with the award.
Oh, my god.
Are you dying? No.
It's just that I'm opening up new horizons, too.
I'm off to Kenya at the end of the month to continue my research.
Thank you so much for this.
It means the world, I promise you.
It's not really me you should be thanking.
It's Sister Spragg.
Cheryl? Cheryl? Um, can I just say a big thanks? Mr Honey told me what you did for me, the scholarship and that.
Your gratitude is unnecessary.
It was common sense.
I can't believe you nominated me.
I never thought you even liked me.
- I don't.
- Oh.
Liking had nothin' to do with it.
You're my best pupil.
You always seem to give me the hardest time.
(SIGHS) Wake up and smell the Dettol, Morris.
A sergeant's always toughest on his top soldier.
Anyway, massive thanks.
Can I give you a little cwtch? Absolutely not.
(PHONE RINGING) Katie, darling.
Yep, just got back.
Um, kind of.
Listen, I need to talk to Stella, but can I see you this evening? Oh, no, I'm fine.
It's just, um Look, I'll fill you in when I see you later.
Okay.
Bye.
Come in, come in.
I have got amazing news.
I'm desperate to tell someone, but everyone's out.
Why is everyone always out when you want to brag? Have you noticed that? Well, I'm your man.
Brag away.
Oh, my God.
Guess what? Rob is flying back, to help Luke.
- Is he? Bloody hell.
- Yeah.
Luke rang him and he just jumped on a plane.
So, is that your news? What? Oh.
(LAUGHS) No, no.
My news is that (SIGHS) Well hang on.
How did the interview go? No, you first.
- No, you.
- But you started.
Michael, just tell me.
I will, after you tell me.
Okay.
You are looking at the St Cat's scholarship recipient for next year.
They like me, Michael.
They really like me.
Oh, that's fan-bloody-tastic.
(LAUGHS) MICHAEL: Oh.
Yeah, it'll look stonking on the CV, of course, and who knows where else it'll lead.
I'm so pleased for you.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
(EXHALES) So, come on.
Well, they, um They offered me the job.
Brilliant.
I knew they would.
It means moving to London.
'Course it does, yeah.
- The money's incredible.
- I should think so, too.
And, to be honest, there's nothing to really keep me here now.
No.
'Cause Katie can finish the college here and - Jan's just down the road and you - There's just Jan.
you'll keep an eye on her for me? - 'Course I will.
She's welcome here whenever she wants, you know that.
Yes.
So, it's all good.
Yeah.
It's all good.
(DOORBELL RINGS) (SIGHS DEEPLY) (EXHALES) Good God.
You were quick.
Hello, Stella.
Michael, this is Rob Morgan.
Rob, this is Michael.
Jackson.
Hee-hee.
Always, er, like to get that out of the way.
Sure.
Nice to meet you.
Er, you too.
(MICHAEL EXHALES) Er, cup of tea, everyone? MICHAEL: Er, thanks, no.
I've got to go.
- See you all later.
- ROB: Bye.
Well done, again.
Oh, thanks.
Sorry, um Briefcase.
(DOOR SHUTS) So, that was Michael.
Yeah.
We're just friends now.
Yeah, I heard.
I'm sorry about that.
Me too.
(EXHALES) So, where's this boy of ours, then? Probably at the car lot.
Honestly, Rob.
We've been worried sick about him.
(DOOR OPENING) Ma? Well? I passed! Oh, that's brilliant! (LAUGHING) Congratulations.
What are you doing here? (LAUGHS) KARL: Thing is, Yan, now's the time to do it.
Before the sproglet comes.
Whereto you looking? The whole of the UK.
Well, Wales, anyway.
Preferably Pontyberry.
Same street as her mum, ideally.
Shit a brick.
Rob Morgan.
Eh, the sheriff's back in town.
How's it hangin', bud? Oh, good, thanks.
How're you? Top notch.
Buying a house, I am.
STELLA: You? ROB: Oh.
I'm not too good, Rob.
(SIGHS) Despite the increasing medication, I can only sleep at night with a light on.
In a chair.
Anyway, it's good to catch up.
Luke's in the office, is he? Well, look what the cat have dragged up from the sewer.
Oh, it's lovely to see you, too, Aunty Brenda.
You are the last bad penny this one wants turning up, believe you me.
She've already been humiliated by your two-timing what's-a-name.
Any more heartache, and she'll pile them pounds back on quicker than Nigella in a cake shop.
(EXHALES) Luke's in the office, is he? No.
Never turned up for work this morning.
He'll no doubt be at the gaming tables, gambling away his ill-gotten gains from his stint as a male prostitute.
- He wasn't a male prostitute.
- What? It was an escort agency.
Honestly, Rob.
The worry that boy have brought upon this family is absolutely shamin'.
Go on! You what? I've got to get back at the hospital.
That's all right.
I'll drop you off and then I'll go and look for him.
See you, boys.
- So long! - Ey.
Don't worry.
We'll get it sorted.
Thanks for coming back, Rob.
- Alan? - Alan.
Oh, thanks.
- Where's Amanda? - She won't be coming.
- Eh? - She wants a divorce.
She's having an affair.
What? Never trust a woman, Alan.
They'll ring you out and hang you out by the nudges.
Thanks for that.
I'm getting married tomorrow.
Time? - Two.
- You got ages yet.
- Get out.
- Oh.
Get out while you still can, before she breaks your (CRYING) Hey, come on, bro.
(CRYING) Nice cup of tea, is it? - (SOBBING) - Oh.
All right.
My dad said payment tomorrow, that right? Aye, cash, mind tell him.
I do hope your father knows what he's doing.
'Cause these chickens don't go cheap.
They don't go nothing at the moment, they're dead, man.
Faraona, eh? Oh, my God.
It's you! I'm such a massive fan.
Well, grazie, young man.
And that's a fantastic bird, the faraona, well, the guinea fowl.
Cooking them for my dad's wedding, I am.
Be very careful.
If you cook this for too long, she will be as tough as your old boots.
- Oh, my God.
Is that - Yeah, it's him! Gino D'Acampo.
(LAUGHING) It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr D'Acampo.
Hey.
Ciao, bella.
I love you in Strictly.
I watch it every week.
I feel like I'm grieving.
I know, she was a special lady.
Sod her.
I'm talking about the house.
We've only just had the loft done and I'm not gonna lose it.
No.
Er, gotcha.
Right.
Um I know this is a difficult time for you, but, er I was wondering if you could lend me a few quid.
- Sorry? - It's the caf, you see.
We're closing down.
I've lost everything and I've gone a bit overboard with the wedding and I just don't know how I'm going to pay for it all.
Did you not just hear what I said? I have to plough every spare penny into a lawyer.
Of course.
What you need to do is just tear everything right down.
Cut out the unnecessariness.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Sign for this, will you? What is it? (KNOCKING) We'll come straight to the point.
We want to buy your house.
Oh.
It may well have been a bad line, but that's not my fault, is it.
The thing is, I've now got 250 balloons that are completely useless.
No! Alan and Cel.
Alan and Cel.
(EXHALES) Yeah, please tell me Adam and Neil isn't written on the cake we ordered, too.
The Jamaican cake.
The rum one.
No, we're not Jamaican! Fourteen red.
(DIE CHINKING) (SLOT MACHINES BEEPING) ROB: Any luck? Dad.
Let's go and see this Iwan Jenkins, shall we? Two grand, yeah? That's right.
Much obliged.
I've got another 2K here.
How would you like to make it four? Why would you want to do that? Double our quits.
Rob I don't think you can own a bookie's and not be a betting man.
One flip, you win.
Four grand.
What do you say? Heads or tails? Shit.
Shit.
Shit! (LAUGHING) Are you for real? You coulda just lost four grand in there.
Are you mad? Perhaps not.
Two heads.
Well, what if he hadn't have called tails? I got another one in my pocket.
- With two tails.
Classic.
- Two tails.
I lost ten grand on the flip of one of them, once.
The bloke who caught me left them to me in his will.
- Cheeky bastard, eh? - Ten grand? I know more about all this than you think I do, Luke.
About 12 years ago, I nearly lost everything.
I started on the Internet.
I thought it was harmless.
Wasn't long before I was coming out of casinos as kids were going to school.
Card tables are bloody lonely places.
Tell me about it.
It's a thrill at the time, though, innit? Oh, yes.
But the thrill is always Oh, I don't know.
Covering up something else.
Oh, here we go.
Amateur psychologist alert.
See, I'd made all this money.
Successful businessman, nice house, posh car, but I still had a son in Wales I'd never seen.
I couldn't face up to that.
All that guilt.
And the gambling was a way of Well, it made me feel better somehow.
All right, look, Rob, er - I'm not sure - To be honest with you, the reasons why I gambled don't actually matter.
If you're an addict, you're an addict.
I'm not a bloody addict.
- Christ, what're you saying.
- Took me a while to face up to it.
That I had a problem.
(SNIFFLING) Do you think you got a problem with gambling, Luke? Ah, shut up, man.
Do you think you got a problem, Luke? You know, all them years when I was growing up, get the piss taken out of you in school 'cause you haven't got a dad.
Or them, er, Chapel-on-a-Sunday types who feel oh, so sorry for the poor lad 'cause his father abandoned him.
Then you end up in jail, and people say, "Well, that's because he hasn't got a dad.
" - I can imagine that was pretty tough.
- I can handle all that, Rob.
Honestly, I could.
But then you came back.
And I got to know you.
And you were this big-shot businessman, money no object, everything you touched turned to gold.
And you got me out to Canada.
That failed.
You set me up in business.
That failed.
So, then, I'm left on my own.
- You were never on your own.
- And apart from Apart from Zoe and Jack and my beautiful little Sophie, were the only things that I've ever succeeded at.
Everything else is a big, fat fail.
So, when I stood there at the roulette table, or waiting for my horse to cross the finish, or to get dealt a good hand, that's when I don't feel a failure because that's when I could still win.
And when I do, 'cause I do win sometimes, Rob, it's the best feeling in the world.
And when you lose? Well, losing's what I'm used to.
Losing's what I expect.
And what I deserve.
The whole wedding's just spiralled out of control.
One idea just led to another.
The catalogue made it look so easy and reasonable, I thought.
But, pound by pound, it kept going up - and now, I just - (SNORING) Stella, are you asleep? Right.
Well, I best be off, then.
Celia's doing tuna bolognese.
Bloody awful stuff, but I said I liked it once so now I'm stuck with it.
(DOORBELL CHIMES) Shall I answer that on the way out? (SNORING) Night.
(DOOR OPENS) All right? Come in.
MICHAEL: Oh, hi, Alan.
ALAN: Over there, she is.
ALAN: I think she's dropped off.
(DOOR CLOSES) - Psst.
- What? Yep.
(CLEARS THROAT) (SIGHS) Where's Alan? Oh, he's gone.
Um, he looked quite stressed.
He was scratching, and Did you know he spent two grand on fireworks for tomorrow? - Has he? - Mmm.
What's with the wine? Oh, well.
Wasn't really finished talking earlier when Rob arrived.
And I just thought we should celebrate, you know, your scholarship and my job offer.
And I've got another bit of news, as well.
Good or bad? Well, I think that depends on how you view it.
Karl and Nadine are buying my house.
It was too good an offer to turn down.
Are you insane? That's a bit dramatic, isn't it? Dramatic? - I thought you'd be pleased.
- Why didn't you discuss it with me? Why should I discuss it with you? Because we're meant to be friends.
But you care more about them moving in than me moving out.
Why should I care about you moving out? Because of us.
- There is no us.
- Until recently, we lived together.
There stopped being an "us" when you started having sex with a 28-year-old.
Oh, just let it go, Stella.
Don't worry, I have.
I have a few weeks ago.
(ARGUING) You know, sometimes I just think you like having a bloody problem, I really do.
Well, my problem started the day you moved in next door and ruined my life.
- Ruined your life? - I was plenty happy until then.
God, you're such a drama queen.
Ah, do you know what? The sooner you fuck off up to London - You still love me.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
So, say it.
Say, "Michael, I don't love you any more.
" Michael, I don't love you any more.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) Don't move.
God, what time is it? Time you got dressed.
You look great.
Thanks.
Sorry about last night.
It shouldn't have happened.
Why? You're moving to London, for starters.
Tell me not to go, and I'll stay.
(EXHALES) Not as simple as that, though, is it, presh? (GUN CLICKS) See you at the wedding.
(BLOWS) ZOE: What do you think, Sophie? Do you like Grandpa's costume? Well, no one's going to look as nice as my plus one, are they, sweetheart? All right, well.
I've done it.
Was it okay? Yeah, this fella's gonna pick me up Tuesday night and take me to a meeting in Cardiff.
Well done.
It's worth giving it a go, eh? I know, but, Gamblers Anonymous, what are people gonna think? People aren't gonna think anything 'cause people aren't gonna know.
I think that's why they call it "anonymous".
I'm really proud of you, Luke.
ZOE: Yeah, you'll do well.
I know you will.
(SOPHIE FARTING) Well, if you'll excuse me, I think my plus one has just done a number two.
Well, you know where the nappies are, Grandpa.
- Mmm-hmm.
- (SOPHIE FUSSING) Right.
Ready, big boy? We're going to the party, yes.
Your beauty would indeed bring Rome to its feet.
Mmm.
You smooth-talking bugger, Antony.
You fool! (LAUGHING) (CAR HONKING) - Ready? - Yes.
- Ready? - Yes.
Take it away, man.
(ENGINE REVVING) (TYRES SCREECHING) Sorry I'm late.
Pontyberry's gone faggot-mad.
I've been mincing all morning.
Say nothing.
(TYRES SCREECHING) (PANTING) ALAN: Bloody hell, Ben.
Whatcha playing at? Oh, I feel like I been through a wash.
Full cycle.
(POLICE SIRENS BLARING) (CELIA WHIMPERING) ALAN: What's wrong? You all right? CELIA: Yeah.
Everything all right, officer? We've had several reports of a car that's jumped every red light in the Berry.
Last seen heading this way.
How do you know it was us? Apparently, it had a big picture of Dai Davies on the side.
Who was driving the vehicle? Me.
Show me your driving licence.
I can't.
STELLA: You can.
He will.
I didn't pass my test, did I? STELLA: What? MICHAEL: Ben! CELIA: Oh, Ben.
ALAN: You are joking, Ben.
(ALL GASPING) You're under arrest.
Oh, oh, please.
This is our wedding.
Then I take it you have an events licence to put a marquee up here? What's that, then? Right.
Get that lot down, now! I'm sorry.
The wedding's off.
(ALL PROTESTING) Please don't.
Get your hands off my son.
Stand back, please, madam.
Crazy Karl here! (WHISTLE BLOWS) Hush, now.
It's a wedding, not a rugby match.
Look, Officer.
Ben here may not have a licence, but, er, he was driving under the supervision of a qualified driver, wasn't he, Alan? - Was he? - Yes, Alan was giving Ben a driving lesson.
Weren't you, Alan? - Was I? - (WHISPERING) Yes.
Yes! That's right.
A lesson.
On the way to your wedding? You can never get enough practise, I always say.
Er, the magnetic L-plates obviously fell off.
The traffic violations you speak of were reported.
Not witnessed by yourself.
I think we both know this is just a caution.
- Don't we, Jean? - Jane.
Jane.
Bloody lawyers.
Get out.
Someone ask for me? And who are you? Abe Lincoln.
- Who the fuck are you? - Excuse me, sir? Er, Scott owns the company that supplied the marquee, the licensed marquee.
Bloody hell.
It's Scott Quennell.
All right.
Say hello to my dad, will you? He's a Scarlets season ticket holder.
He'll go bonkers.
All right, Dad? Everybody, the wedding's back on! (CHEERING AND HOOTING) Yee-haw! Bit of a hero, isn't he? He has his moments.
Is there no way you two can work things out? He's moving to London.
Yeah, I know.
He told me.
- Did he? - It's London, not Canada.
Can you meet him halfway? Er, well, Membury Services? It's not just about the distance.
I know.
It's about his little misdemeanour.
Misdemeanour? - Is that what he called it? - Oh, here we go.
No, he didn't.
- Having a meeting about me.
- I did.
Don't get worked up about it.
Talking about how neurotic I am.
We never actually used the word "neurotic".
(EXHALES) He seems like a really good bloke.
He's besotted with you.
Yeah, well, he should have thought about that.
Life's not black and white.
Don't be so stubborn, Stella.
Hiya, neighbour.
- Now, I know what you're thinking.
- I doubt it.
You're thinking, "Christ, this'll be awkward.
"Having my ex-husband and his much younger, fitter wife "living next door.
" Was I? But I need your help and advice, Stell.
I never been a mother before.
And, well, your kids adore you, don't they? So you must be a good one.
Nadine, that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me.
And you got quite a few and by different fathers, so let's face it, you been around the block a bit, like.
And she's back in the room.
Eh? Never mind.
Come on.
- Ceremony's starting.
- All right.
(CHOIR SINGING) (CHOIR SINGING CONTINUES) I know it's not quite Windermere, but I wanted to bring the lakes to you.
Is it okay? It's perfect.
We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Celia Emily Braxton and Alan Barry John Garreth Edward J.
P.
R.
Williams.
If anyone knows any cause or just impediment why these two persons should not be lawfully wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Come here.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) Well, that was a fascinating groom's speech and I, for one, am now far better educated in the history of Pontyberry Rugby Club and its league results, 1910 to 2014.
- (ALL CHUCKLING) - Bravo.
Which, er, brings us on to the best man's speech.
(HOOTING AND APPLAUSE) Alan, you've been such a good friend to me over the past few months.
You've, er, stood by me when you didn't need to.
You've always been a rock in the lives of those around you.
And people say, and I have to agree, that you are a kind, generous and compassionate man.
- The reason that you and your wife - (ALL CHEERING) make such a great couple is that Celia is those things too, in equal measure.
- Plus, she's prettier.
- (ALL LAUGHING) Anyway, I was hoping to give you some advice on love and marriage, but I'm not sure I'm really qualified.
Yep.
So, I'm gonna read you something, instead.
Er, it's from the novel Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
- CELIA: Oh, I love this one.
- (MICHAEL CLEARS THROAT) "Love is a temporary madness.
"It erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
"And when it subsides, "you have to make a decision.
"You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together "that it is inconceivable "that you should ever part.
"Because this is what love is.
"Love is not breathlessness, "it is not excitement, "it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.
"That is just being "in love", "which any fool can do.
"Love, itself, is what's left over "when being in love "is burned away.
"Roots that grow towards each other underground.
"And when all the pretty blossom has fallen from your branches, "you find that you are one tree "and not two.
" To Alan and Celia.
May their roots forever be entwined.
He've clearly been drinking.
ALL: To Alan and Celia.
(APPLAUDING AND WHISTLING) Well, that was possibly the worst best-man speech I've ever heard.
I told Alan he should have asked me.
What was all that about a tree? Yeah.
I promise on my life I will never, ever hurt you again.
Right, let's get this straight.
You get the earliest train out of London every Friday.
And the last train back on Sunday nights.
Without fail.
We can make it work, Stell.
I love you.
(CHUCKLES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) That, young man, was the most amazing meal ever! Thank you so much.
You're a real star.
Thanks.
Ey, what's up? Bit tragic, innit? The only one here without a girlfriend.
(SIGHS) Listen, love.
Sometimes, special people have to wait for special things.
I mean, look at me and your dad.
Hey, and it's not everyone who's met Gino D'Acampo, is it? Hmm? (LAUGHS) Gino D'Acampo? You met Gino D'Acampo? Yeah.
Cooking's my passion.
I adore all the chefs.
And I met Jamie Oliver.
And Gordon Ramsay.
Oh! It's been such a lovely day.
Yeah.
What's the matter? Why are you so twitchy? Zo, I got something for you.
Oh, my God.
You got it back.
Yeah.
Will you marry me? Again? I will marry you again, and again, and again.
Brother cockin' Alan, as I live and breathe.
Rhian Evans.
You're lookin' well.
Likewise.
Cut the crap, Al, I'm hangin' and you do know it.
Any grub left from the day do? Bastard hunk, I am.
No.
Just invited to the evening do, is it? I weren't invited at all, but there's a free bar and no one on the door, so I thought "Cock it".
(LAUGHS) (HOWDEEP IS YOUR LOVE PLAYING) Oh.
Oi, and I love this song.
Oi! George, you muncher! Let's be havin' you.
So, are you going to tell me now? Tell you what? How we're gonna pay for all this? Well, I asked my brother.
And? It was a definite no.
What the hell are we gonna do? I don't know, love.
Forget about them guinea fowl, all right? They're on the house.
You done enough for me before now.
The marquee, the bars? For free.
My treat.
Might make up for all those lifts you've given me in the past.
And I'll cover the rest.
It's been a good year on the buses, and you and Celia have always been kind to me.
And the Cadillac, let's call it half price.
Er, free.
Of course, I mean free.
Oh.
How did you all know? Sorry I couldn't lend you any money, Al.
But, er, you're not broke.
Look around you.
You're very rich.
YANTO: Hey, everyone! It's time for the fireworks! (ULULATES) (EVERYONE CHEERING) Right, everyone, get ready for 15 minutes of a night sky lit up with magic.
Yanto, take it away.
ALAN: Five ALL: Four 3 2 1 (ALL CHEERING) Whoo! (SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) ALAN: Everyone okay? MAN: Oh, all right.
You set it for 15 seconds, man! (ALL LAUGHING) That's my only worry about London.
- What? - Well, it's gonna seem so quiet after Pontyberry.
Aw.
BOTH: Mmm.
I have been desperate to do that for five whole days.
God, so have I.
Once I get you home, I'm not letting you out of the house all weekend.
- Psycho.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
Karl and Nadine are doing my head in.
Nadine reckons the downpipes aren't up to EU regulations.
And Karl is going on about the rain drain.
And, I mean, what the hell is rain drain anyway? Is it safe? (SIGHS) Looks like it.
Just the man! Nadine.
It's not my house any more.
I'm not responsible.
Tell him what the rain was like last night, Stell.
Our gutter is knackered.
Like Viagra falls, it was.
Look, I've only just got home, it's been a long week, we'll talk about this later.
Yeah? (EXHALES) Okay, I apologise.
I should never have sold them the house.
Hmm.
Ben is out for the evening, so BOTH: Sex on the stairs? - (DOORBELL CHIMES) - Oh, for God's sake.
Can you get a restraining order on your next-door neighbour? Nadine, when I said later, I didn't mean 30 seconds Hiya.
- What do you want? - I'm glad I caught you, Mike.
I got something for you.
(BEYONCE CLEARS THROAT) Twelve weeks, I am.
Obviously, it's yours, so I thought I'd better let you know, like only fair.
Anyway, we'll have to sort out maintenance and all when the time comes.
It's excitin', isn't it? So long.