Still Game (2002) s01e03 Episode Script
Cauld
1 What do you make of this weather, Eric? I nearly went on my arse! It's a pair of these you're wanting! Permagrip soles, Timpsons, 1999! That right? You've got to take care of yourself at our age! Oh, ya bastard! Here Jesus! Are youse all right? Watch your feet, Jack! It's slippy! It's a pair of these you're wanting.
Permagrip, 1999.
From Ti Oh! That boy at Timpsons is getting kicked squarely in the nuts! Form a queue! Here, hold that a minute.
Who's that for? Eh? Oh, Willie Napier.
I feel bad.
I promised I'd go up last Thursday.
He's not been that well.
I'll come with you.
Right-o.
Oh! BOTH: Eric! Here you are! Gie us your hand.
All right, mate? I'll have that one, and that one.
Both? - That's what I said, yes.
The both.
What do you want both for? "What age are you?" "What shoe size?" "Where were you on the 15th?" Just give me the fires(!) BELL DINGS Jesus! Come on! I'm too cold to listen to her piss today! Close, ya bastard! Come on! That was lucky, Isa(!) Three for 14.
No, we're for eight, today.
Oh! You going to visit Willie Napier? That's right.
Lovely man.
Gone downhill awfy quick since he lost his wife! That's right, Isa.
Downhill.
Is that you taking him a wee brown loaf? It would appear so, Isa! Oatmeal crusty! Very nice! Isa, for fu That's us at eight.
Nosy old bastard! Look at this.
It's like a knacker's midden! Aye, I know.
It's that lazy, dirty, smelly Frankie bastard in there! I came one day and there was an engine from a Transit van, pishing shite on the floor! Bloody disgrace.
He's not answering.
He'll be lying deid! Shut up! I'll try again.
Aye! He'll be lying deid! Stiff and blue! Eyes staring! Pointing at you! "Ja-a-ack! Where've you been, Jack? "I've been deid since Thursday! "You killed me! Where's my brown lo-o-oaf?!" Shut up! You're twisting my melon! Oh! You away in and scout.
I'll wait.
Aye, watch me! Come on.
Oh, Jesus.
BOTH: OH! Willie! You reckon he's deid? Let's see, shall we? CUP CLINKS I'm no Quincy, but I'd say so, aye.
What do we do? Phone the fuzz? Phone his boy.
Oh, that's bad news to give anybody - "Your father's deid".
There'll be tears.
He'll not bother his arse.
Look at the nick of him.
When was the boy last up? Right enough! It's deid! He must've died, then they cut his phone off, because he didnae pay his billbecause he couldnae because he was deid! Very good, Columbo(!) Let's go.
Where are we going? We'll ask manky Frankie if we can use his phone.
Poor old bastard, eh? He didn't deserve this.
Another good man down.
There you are, Willie.
We'll see ourselves out.
What are youse wantin'? Er Willie's dead.
Who's Willie? Your next-door neighbour.
And what? We wondered if we could use your phone, cos his isn't working, and we have to phone his boy.
All right.
Phone's there.
Are these fish and chip papers? Aye.
Must be a hundred wrappers lying there.
You must love your fish and chips! That's right.
Aye, good! Pay for your call - it keeps the bills small! Ayewe can read.
THEY MUMBLE There we are.
Smashing.
JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS That's asmashing thing.
Where would you get a thing like that? Maryhill Shopping Centre! Oh? Smashing.
Aye, smashing! Hello? Michael? It's Jack.
Yes, your father's pal.
Eh? I'm fine.
Wee bit of a cold last week, uh-huh.
Not too bad.
A cold snap, aye.
Victor? Victor's fine, aye! You know Victor, aye! I'm across the landing from him now, aye.
Eh? Oh, I didnae bother going.
Was Willie telling you, aye? I thought he'd have told Your da's deid.
Come up.
He's a cert.
No.
He's heading right for it.
He'll miss it.
20p! You're on! THEY LAUGH Oh! Right on his arse! 60p up! Hot chocolate.
Oh, aye, aye.
Bloody freezing in here.
It's ridiculous.
How are you supposed to get a heat with the pension they gie you? I know! Millions the Government spends on pamphlets, telling you what, eh? "Put on a cardigan!" What is it they say? "Keep yourself warm this winter! Don't squander money on food.
" Or claes.
Aye! Or medicine! "Scrimp and save every ha'penny you've got and give it to the Electricity Board!" To hell with that, Victor, eh? No.
You don't even know what I'm gonna say! Aye, I dae.
We're no putting the fire on.
Come on Three bars! No chance, Jack! Two bars? Have you any idea at all what that bastard burns? What is the point of a fire if you've never got it on?! Put the bulb on, then.
That suggests warmth.
No, that suggests you are a tight-arsed old bastard.
Away into your ain house and get a heat, then! I've no got a fire! Oh, aye.
What is it you've got again? An electric heater thing.
It's never on! Do you blame me? It's a gutsy bastard - an ornament! Oh, aye! We're humped right enough, eh? You know what'll happen to us, don't you? What? We'll end up in the same nick as old Willie.
Sitting here with these cups welded to our hands.
Two more statistics, cos you won't burn the bloody fire! Here they come! Abbot and Costello! You're putting the beef on, Jack! Aye! Every time I shag your wife, she makes me a sandwich! Oh, dear.
What? There's Pete.
He was pally with Willie, you know? That's right.
Suppose we should tell him, eh? Pete? Aye? Bit of bad news for you, fella.
What is it? Willie's away.
The cold got him.
Oh, Napier's gone.
Who had Napier? Yes! 3-1.
£60! Nice one! Good call, now! What's happening? Hypothermia sweepstake! We're taking bets on who's going next! WHAT? Have youse lost your MINDS? Don't get sanctimonious! It comes to us all! But we're no sitting on a ticket, waiting on somebody to die! Eric! How long did you work with Willie? 30 year! Aye! And you, ya rat! That money should go towards his funeral! You should be ashamed! Call this a community, taking bets on a death derby? And Scots are preparing for the coldest front since 1972, with temperatures dropping to -12 in parts of the west of Scotland.
Social services advise mothers with young children, and the elderly, to stay in unless absolutely necessary! That's the odds slashed! A tenner on McDade for me! A new favourite - auld Eric - 2-1 due to those pins in his knee.
That's a wasted bet.
I've got double glazing! DOORBELL RINGS Hey-ho! There you are! Heard about Tam's morbid sweepstake at the Clansman? That bastard? Aye! He only gave me 3-1 on Jeanie Shaw! Not you an' aw! Lighten up.
We're all headed that way.
It's as well to make it interesting.
Jeezo! Oh! It's like the bloody Belgian Congo in here! Magic, isn't it? I'm bloody sweltering! Come through.
Mind your legs! There you are.
What's the story? What do you mean? You've three in the bedroom And three in the hall! Six in here That's 12 bars blaring away! What's going on? No! I've got three in the kitchen, and three in the cludgie as well.
That's 18 bars in total.
Spill it! I cannae tell you.
I've sworn.
Get it telt, Winston.
I could tell you, but I'd incriminate myself AND yourselves.
Tell us before we pass oot! Right.
Come with me.
Right, do you notice anything odd about that meter? Um No, it's the same as mine.
Take a closer look.
The wheel isnae going round.
For I have intervened, and impeded the progress of said meter! Now, watch what happens when I do this! METER WHIRS Jesus! Look at the speed! That would cut diamonds.
That's like a sawmill! It could have your hand off! I know! Terrifying! If I let it run, I'd be in the gutter by Thursday.
You would, aye! However, with this device, gentlemen, I, Winston, am WHIRRING STOPS King Of Leccy! Yes! That's a good thing! Oh, yes! It's all well and good, but you know what it makes you? What? A thief! A rat thief! Here we go! Now, that's not entirely fair.
No! That's why it's so expensive, because of the likes of him! I'll not be party to this! Come on, Jack.
No.
Eh? Sorry, I'm with Winston on this one.
I want a slice of this action! Very well, Jack.
You're a grown man.
You've made your decision.
But consider this - you're warm now, but how's it gonna be in a wee, stony jail cell, eh, with nothing to heat you up but a hot boaby up your arse?! He's right.
You're off your bloody head.
Away, you two, with your principles intact! And our arseholes! You see that? Wa-hey! Oh, Jesus, it would cut the face off you, eh? Aye! Smashing at Winston's, wasn't it? Aye, but crime doesn't pay.
But it fair warms you up, doesn't it? Aye! Oh, hello, Derek! Is your grandfather still laid up in bed? - Aye, he is! - Oh, that's a shame! - Mum bought him an electric blanket.
Doctor says he'll be OK soon! - Oh, aye? That's good(!) 2oz of Drum, please, Navid.
How you keeping, Navid? No bad.
Awful warm in here, Navid! Aye! Aye Scratchcard? Aye, two Lucky Donkeys, as per.
Two donkeys? You think he was at it? Aye! He had that look in his eye.
Aye, the look to say, "I'm getting free leccy and youse are wankers for paying out for it!" Brrr! I'm gonna chuck they Lucky Donkeys.
Eh? Aye! Gie they Pig-In-A-Pokes a try.
Aye! CLOSE THE DOOR! You're letting the cold in! Sorry! Jackie Frank Tony Willie Hilary 3.
30 at Chepstow, Captain Howdy.
Each way! Each way, aye.
It's awful warm in here, Tracy.
You think so? Stevie? Aye? Do you feel it warm in here? Not overly.
Come on.
I'm getting the fear.
I'm keeping out of that bookies.
That was creepy.
It was like Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers! There's Tam.
Oh, hi, Tam.
Jack, Victor! Mind if we join you? Aye, sit down.
Where've you been? Bookies! You been in the bookies today, Tam? Aye, this morning.
How? Did you notice anything strange? No.
How? The heat.
You didn't notice the heat? No.
You couldn't have failed to.
It was smashing! Er It was too warm.
It was too warm there.
Was it? What's in the bag, Tam? An electric fan heater.
I've got one.
They burn a fortune.
Do they? (They're all stealing leccy!) That doesn't make it right, but, Jack! That's you.
Get the heating on.
Winston! What are you dain here? Serving the community! Mair thieving, ya daftie! You're the dafties here.
How? I'll tell you.
We work a' our days, and for what? To sit freezing, eh? Wondering if the phone's gonna ring, waiting for the Reaper?! A baw hair away from eating dug food! It's no that bad! It IS that bad! The Government want us to die! They expect us to die.
Blair's like that, "Government lackey, how many old bastards died last night?" "1,500!" "Smashing! That'll free up some housing stock!" You know what us pensioners are? Lepers.
We take, take, take and gie nothing back, and they hate us for it.
They cannae wait to bury us! He's right! You're silly bastards.
You're even money in the hypothermia sweepstake! Really? That's right! Cos you'll no take free leccy! Even money! You should be ashamed of yourselves! You know who else is even money? Who? Old Pete.
The jakey? That's right.
Drank his hoose, wife, weans, dug - the lot.
Lives outside! Even money! I'm no havin' my odds the same as that smelly bastard! That's a brass neck! I'm in! What are you saying? I'm in.
I gie up.
I want free leccy.
Hook me up, Winston.
How long's it take? Half an hour.
JACK! Think about this! Think about what you're doing! I have! I don't know about you, but I like the notion of surviving the winter! Get him telt, Jack! Shut your hole! You're bringing him down to your level! He's not bringing me down anywhere! I've made my mind up.
See you later.
You'll no see me later.
I don't hang aboot with theunderworld! Arsehole! Prick! SOLEMN ORGAN MUSIC What a way to end up - an ice lolly.
Silly old bastard.
Show a bit of bloody respect, will you? You not budging up, no? Look at you two, eh? Thick as thieves! What you up to? Planning your next heist, eh? What is it? The church silver? How are things in Frosty Towers? Adequate? Ample, yes, thank you.
Feeling it warm, are you, Victor? Aye, I am.
You might be interested to know that Father Graham has availed himself of my services.
It would appear that the good Lord himself likes it toasty! Victor? Victor! Victor! Jack! What time is it? Time you got a heat in you! Feel your face.
You're freezing.
I'm a' right.
Come on.
Get up.
Up you get! Hook me up.
That's a boy! You're doing the right thing.
I know.
I'm a daft old bugger.
I wasn't going to mention this, but What? I had a dream about old Willie last night.
What happened? Wellhe was wearing a shroud, and his face was all blue.
It was like iced water, and his eyes were all yellow.
He always did have yellow eyes, old Willie.
Aye.
It was all the booze he drank, sure.
Anyway, he comes to me in this dream and takes my hand.
His hands were freezing! He leads me up this beautiful staircase.
It goes for miles - nae banister - and I'm looking frae side to side and there's no end to the stairs.
Eventually, we get to the top, and I'm no puffed out! I feel fine! That's when he points, exactly the same way as when we found him in the flat.
And he's pointing to a coffin! I'm looking at it, and it's an old coffin, you know? It's all musty.
The lid's doon, but it looked as if it'd just been dug up.
Exhumed? Aye, exhumed! I'm feart, but he tightens his grip.
He's pulling me closer, you know, and he's bending down.
Of course, the lid's shut.
Not any mair, because it's starting to open, you see? I look down - I'm in a right mess - then I see it, you know? There it is.
Staring right back at me.
The body of OW! That's all right.
That happens sometimes.
I just aboot shat myself there! Jesus! What the hell are you doing? Get a move on, Winston! Gimme a minute! There you are, now! Welcome to the FEC - the Free Electricity Club! Gather round for the ceremonial switching on of the fire! JACK LAUGHS How's it feel? Feels pretty good, eh? Oh, aye, it feels good, aye! Well, switch it on! Oh, right! One bar?! One bar's plenty! Victor, it's gratis! Get the three bloody bars on! Ah, there we are! Oh, that's rare! I cannae mind the last time I had the three bars on! You can smell the stoor burning! I'll put the free kettle on! Aye! Free hot water! Free tea! What else can we turn on?! You're getting the hang of it! The telly! That's the beauty of it - there's so many people, they'll never know who's stealing it! Oh, it's nice to get that cold air roon about you, eh?! Gives us a break from that oven of a flat! There's Mary Wilson! Old wiggy! Nae right saying that! It's no a bloody wig.
She's baldy.
It's like a hat! It's no a wig! It's a wig, right enough! Here, you never told me who was lying in the coffin.
Eh? That dream you had, wi' Willie.
Oh, aye, aye.
Well, the coffin lid opened, and there it wasthe body of Jack Lord! Funny, isn't it? Who's Jack Lord? Cop.
Hawaii Five-O.
Oh, aye.
Is he deid? I don't know!
Permagrip, 1999.
From Ti Oh! That boy at Timpsons is getting kicked squarely in the nuts! Form a queue! Here, hold that a minute.
Who's that for? Eh? Oh, Willie Napier.
I feel bad.
I promised I'd go up last Thursday.
He's not been that well.
I'll come with you.
Right-o.
Oh! BOTH: Eric! Here you are! Gie us your hand.
All right, mate? I'll have that one, and that one.
Both? - That's what I said, yes.
The both.
What do you want both for? "What age are you?" "What shoe size?" "Where were you on the 15th?" Just give me the fires(!) BELL DINGS Jesus! Come on! I'm too cold to listen to her piss today! Close, ya bastard! Come on! That was lucky, Isa(!) Three for 14.
No, we're for eight, today.
Oh! You going to visit Willie Napier? That's right.
Lovely man.
Gone downhill awfy quick since he lost his wife! That's right, Isa.
Downhill.
Is that you taking him a wee brown loaf? It would appear so, Isa! Oatmeal crusty! Very nice! Isa, for fu That's us at eight.
Nosy old bastard! Look at this.
It's like a knacker's midden! Aye, I know.
It's that lazy, dirty, smelly Frankie bastard in there! I came one day and there was an engine from a Transit van, pishing shite on the floor! Bloody disgrace.
He's not answering.
He'll be lying deid! Shut up! I'll try again.
Aye! He'll be lying deid! Stiff and blue! Eyes staring! Pointing at you! "Ja-a-ack! Where've you been, Jack? "I've been deid since Thursday! "You killed me! Where's my brown lo-o-oaf?!" Shut up! You're twisting my melon! Oh! You away in and scout.
I'll wait.
Aye, watch me! Come on.
Oh, Jesus.
BOTH: OH! Willie! You reckon he's deid? Let's see, shall we? CUP CLINKS I'm no Quincy, but I'd say so, aye.
What do we do? Phone the fuzz? Phone his boy.
Oh, that's bad news to give anybody - "Your father's deid".
There'll be tears.
He'll not bother his arse.
Look at the nick of him.
When was the boy last up? Right enough! It's deid! He must've died, then they cut his phone off, because he didnae pay his billbecause he couldnae because he was deid! Very good, Columbo(!) Let's go.
Where are we going? We'll ask manky Frankie if we can use his phone.
Poor old bastard, eh? He didn't deserve this.
Another good man down.
There you are, Willie.
We'll see ourselves out.
What are youse wantin'? Er Willie's dead.
Who's Willie? Your next-door neighbour.
And what? We wondered if we could use your phone, cos his isn't working, and we have to phone his boy.
All right.
Phone's there.
Are these fish and chip papers? Aye.
Must be a hundred wrappers lying there.
You must love your fish and chips! That's right.
Aye, good! Pay for your call - it keeps the bills small! Ayewe can read.
THEY MUMBLE There we are.
Smashing.
JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS That's asmashing thing.
Where would you get a thing like that? Maryhill Shopping Centre! Oh? Smashing.
Aye, smashing! Hello? Michael? It's Jack.
Yes, your father's pal.
Eh? I'm fine.
Wee bit of a cold last week, uh-huh.
Not too bad.
A cold snap, aye.
Victor? Victor's fine, aye! You know Victor, aye! I'm across the landing from him now, aye.
Eh? Oh, I didnae bother going.
Was Willie telling you, aye? I thought he'd have told Your da's deid.
Come up.
He's a cert.
No.
He's heading right for it.
He'll miss it.
20p! You're on! THEY LAUGH Oh! Right on his arse! 60p up! Hot chocolate.
Oh, aye, aye.
Bloody freezing in here.
It's ridiculous.
How are you supposed to get a heat with the pension they gie you? I know! Millions the Government spends on pamphlets, telling you what, eh? "Put on a cardigan!" What is it they say? "Keep yourself warm this winter! Don't squander money on food.
" Or claes.
Aye! Or medicine! "Scrimp and save every ha'penny you've got and give it to the Electricity Board!" To hell with that, Victor, eh? No.
You don't even know what I'm gonna say! Aye, I dae.
We're no putting the fire on.
Come on Three bars! No chance, Jack! Two bars? Have you any idea at all what that bastard burns? What is the point of a fire if you've never got it on?! Put the bulb on, then.
That suggests warmth.
No, that suggests you are a tight-arsed old bastard.
Away into your ain house and get a heat, then! I've no got a fire! Oh, aye.
What is it you've got again? An electric heater thing.
It's never on! Do you blame me? It's a gutsy bastard - an ornament! Oh, aye! We're humped right enough, eh? You know what'll happen to us, don't you? What? We'll end up in the same nick as old Willie.
Sitting here with these cups welded to our hands.
Two more statistics, cos you won't burn the bloody fire! Here they come! Abbot and Costello! You're putting the beef on, Jack! Aye! Every time I shag your wife, she makes me a sandwich! Oh, dear.
What? There's Pete.
He was pally with Willie, you know? That's right.
Suppose we should tell him, eh? Pete? Aye? Bit of bad news for you, fella.
What is it? Willie's away.
The cold got him.
Oh, Napier's gone.
Who had Napier? Yes! 3-1.
£60! Nice one! Good call, now! What's happening? Hypothermia sweepstake! We're taking bets on who's going next! WHAT? Have youse lost your MINDS? Don't get sanctimonious! It comes to us all! But we're no sitting on a ticket, waiting on somebody to die! Eric! How long did you work with Willie? 30 year! Aye! And you, ya rat! That money should go towards his funeral! You should be ashamed! Call this a community, taking bets on a death derby? And Scots are preparing for the coldest front since 1972, with temperatures dropping to -12 in parts of the west of Scotland.
Social services advise mothers with young children, and the elderly, to stay in unless absolutely necessary! That's the odds slashed! A tenner on McDade for me! A new favourite - auld Eric - 2-1 due to those pins in his knee.
That's a wasted bet.
I've got double glazing! DOORBELL RINGS Hey-ho! There you are! Heard about Tam's morbid sweepstake at the Clansman? That bastard? Aye! He only gave me 3-1 on Jeanie Shaw! Not you an' aw! Lighten up.
We're all headed that way.
It's as well to make it interesting.
Jeezo! Oh! It's like the bloody Belgian Congo in here! Magic, isn't it? I'm bloody sweltering! Come through.
Mind your legs! There you are.
What's the story? What do you mean? You've three in the bedroom And three in the hall! Six in here That's 12 bars blaring away! What's going on? No! I've got three in the kitchen, and three in the cludgie as well.
That's 18 bars in total.
Spill it! I cannae tell you.
I've sworn.
Get it telt, Winston.
I could tell you, but I'd incriminate myself AND yourselves.
Tell us before we pass oot! Right.
Come with me.
Right, do you notice anything odd about that meter? Um No, it's the same as mine.
Take a closer look.
The wheel isnae going round.
For I have intervened, and impeded the progress of said meter! Now, watch what happens when I do this! METER WHIRS Jesus! Look at the speed! That would cut diamonds.
That's like a sawmill! It could have your hand off! I know! Terrifying! If I let it run, I'd be in the gutter by Thursday.
You would, aye! However, with this device, gentlemen, I, Winston, am WHIRRING STOPS King Of Leccy! Yes! That's a good thing! Oh, yes! It's all well and good, but you know what it makes you? What? A thief! A rat thief! Here we go! Now, that's not entirely fair.
No! That's why it's so expensive, because of the likes of him! I'll not be party to this! Come on, Jack.
No.
Eh? Sorry, I'm with Winston on this one.
I want a slice of this action! Very well, Jack.
You're a grown man.
You've made your decision.
But consider this - you're warm now, but how's it gonna be in a wee, stony jail cell, eh, with nothing to heat you up but a hot boaby up your arse?! He's right.
You're off your bloody head.
Away, you two, with your principles intact! And our arseholes! You see that? Wa-hey! Oh, Jesus, it would cut the face off you, eh? Aye! Smashing at Winston's, wasn't it? Aye, but crime doesn't pay.
But it fair warms you up, doesn't it? Aye! Oh, hello, Derek! Is your grandfather still laid up in bed? - Aye, he is! - Oh, that's a shame! - Mum bought him an electric blanket.
Doctor says he'll be OK soon! - Oh, aye? That's good(!) 2oz of Drum, please, Navid.
How you keeping, Navid? No bad.
Awful warm in here, Navid! Aye! Aye Scratchcard? Aye, two Lucky Donkeys, as per.
Two donkeys? You think he was at it? Aye! He had that look in his eye.
Aye, the look to say, "I'm getting free leccy and youse are wankers for paying out for it!" Brrr! I'm gonna chuck they Lucky Donkeys.
Eh? Aye! Gie they Pig-In-A-Pokes a try.
Aye! CLOSE THE DOOR! You're letting the cold in! Sorry! Jackie Frank Tony Willie Hilary 3.
30 at Chepstow, Captain Howdy.
Each way! Each way, aye.
It's awful warm in here, Tracy.
You think so? Stevie? Aye? Do you feel it warm in here? Not overly.
Come on.
I'm getting the fear.
I'm keeping out of that bookies.
That was creepy.
It was like Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers! There's Tam.
Oh, hi, Tam.
Jack, Victor! Mind if we join you? Aye, sit down.
Where've you been? Bookies! You been in the bookies today, Tam? Aye, this morning.
How? Did you notice anything strange? No.
How? The heat.
You didn't notice the heat? No.
You couldn't have failed to.
It was smashing! Er It was too warm.
It was too warm there.
Was it? What's in the bag, Tam? An electric fan heater.
I've got one.
They burn a fortune.
Do they? (They're all stealing leccy!) That doesn't make it right, but, Jack! That's you.
Get the heating on.
Winston! What are you dain here? Serving the community! Mair thieving, ya daftie! You're the dafties here.
How? I'll tell you.
We work a' our days, and for what? To sit freezing, eh? Wondering if the phone's gonna ring, waiting for the Reaper?! A baw hair away from eating dug food! It's no that bad! It IS that bad! The Government want us to die! They expect us to die.
Blair's like that, "Government lackey, how many old bastards died last night?" "1,500!" "Smashing! That'll free up some housing stock!" You know what us pensioners are? Lepers.
We take, take, take and gie nothing back, and they hate us for it.
They cannae wait to bury us! He's right! You're silly bastards.
You're even money in the hypothermia sweepstake! Really? That's right! Cos you'll no take free leccy! Even money! You should be ashamed of yourselves! You know who else is even money? Who? Old Pete.
The jakey? That's right.
Drank his hoose, wife, weans, dug - the lot.
Lives outside! Even money! I'm no havin' my odds the same as that smelly bastard! That's a brass neck! I'm in! What are you saying? I'm in.
I gie up.
I want free leccy.
Hook me up, Winston.
How long's it take? Half an hour.
JACK! Think about this! Think about what you're doing! I have! I don't know about you, but I like the notion of surviving the winter! Get him telt, Jack! Shut your hole! You're bringing him down to your level! He's not bringing me down anywhere! I've made my mind up.
See you later.
You'll no see me later.
I don't hang aboot with theunderworld! Arsehole! Prick! SOLEMN ORGAN MUSIC What a way to end up - an ice lolly.
Silly old bastard.
Show a bit of bloody respect, will you? You not budging up, no? Look at you two, eh? Thick as thieves! What you up to? Planning your next heist, eh? What is it? The church silver? How are things in Frosty Towers? Adequate? Ample, yes, thank you.
Feeling it warm, are you, Victor? Aye, I am.
You might be interested to know that Father Graham has availed himself of my services.
It would appear that the good Lord himself likes it toasty! Victor? Victor! Victor! Jack! What time is it? Time you got a heat in you! Feel your face.
You're freezing.
I'm a' right.
Come on.
Get up.
Up you get! Hook me up.
That's a boy! You're doing the right thing.
I know.
I'm a daft old bugger.
I wasn't going to mention this, but What? I had a dream about old Willie last night.
What happened? Wellhe was wearing a shroud, and his face was all blue.
It was like iced water, and his eyes were all yellow.
He always did have yellow eyes, old Willie.
Aye.
It was all the booze he drank, sure.
Anyway, he comes to me in this dream and takes my hand.
His hands were freezing! He leads me up this beautiful staircase.
It goes for miles - nae banister - and I'm looking frae side to side and there's no end to the stairs.
Eventually, we get to the top, and I'm no puffed out! I feel fine! That's when he points, exactly the same way as when we found him in the flat.
And he's pointing to a coffin! I'm looking at it, and it's an old coffin, you know? It's all musty.
The lid's doon, but it looked as if it'd just been dug up.
Exhumed? Aye, exhumed! I'm feart, but he tightens his grip.
He's pulling me closer, you know, and he's bending down.
Of course, the lid's shut.
Not any mair, because it's starting to open, you see? I look down - I'm in a right mess - then I see it, you know? There it is.
Staring right back at me.
The body of OW! That's all right.
That happens sometimes.
I just aboot shat myself there! Jesus! What the hell are you doing? Get a move on, Winston! Gimme a minute! There you are, now! Welcome to the FEC - the Free Electricity Club! Gather round for the ceremonial switching on of the fire! JACK LAUGHS How's it feel? Feels pretty good, eh? Oh, aye, it feels good, aye! Well, switch it on! Oh, right! One bar?! One bar's plenty! Victor, it's gratis! Get the three bloody bars on! Ah, there we are! Oh, that's rare! I cannae mind the last time I had the three bars on! You can smell the stoor burning! I'll put the free kettle on! Aye! Free hot water! Free tea! What else can we turn on?! You're getting the hang of it! The telly! That's the beauty of it - there's so many people, they'll never know who's stealing it! Oh, it's nice to get that cold air roon about you, eh?! Gives us a break from that oven of a flat! There's Mary Wilson! Old wiggy! Nae right saying that! It's no a bloody wig.
She's baldy.
It's like a hat! It's no a wig! It's a wig, right enough! Here, you never told me who was lying in the coffin.
Eh? That dream you had, wi' Willie.
Oh, aye, aye.
Well, the coffin lid opened, and there it wasthe body of Jack Lord! Funny, isn't it? Who's Jack Lord? Cop.
Hawaii Five-O.
Oh, aye.
Is he deid? I don't know!