Still Open All Hours (2013) s04e02 Episode Script

Series 4, Episode 2

What kind of underpants are these? Oh, those? Those are underpants for the digital age.
These are the cutting edge of modern technology, them.
Cutting edge? They're just what you need in your undershorts.
These little wonders were invented in the workshop of one Walton Midgely, inventor extraordinaire.
We had enough trouble selling his inflatable roller skates.
Yeah, but that was only because the water were choppy.
I mean, had it been calm, that Mr Ellis would have got right across that canal.
And being inflatable, they didn't sink, though, did they? No.
It's a pity Mr Ellis did.
Mmm.
So, what we got this time? "The world in your shorts"? Mmm.
Connect to the internet.
You're never without a signal.
"Stay connected, cold wash, minimum iron".
And the beauty is, as you're wearing them and walking about in them, they charge your battery! All right, you win.
Wha? Steady, steady.
You'll be getting here before you've got up.
I admit to a swagger.
I'm on a roll.
You could soon become obnoxious.
Mother used to say that.
Mother knows best.
You think? You should have seen who she picked for my old man.
That's the nature of fathers, to be weird, don't you think? What brings you in this early? I'm getting on better with that Madge.
I thought every time she sees you she goes "Ooooh" Not any more.
I've got her down to, "Ooh, you could do with losing some weight.
" So, what have you got for losing weight? Ah-ha.
I've got the very idea.
It's expensive, but you'll never regret it.
How expensive? Oh, worse than that.
Well, look, if you want to be a greyhound, it's going to cost.
Couldn't we start with labrador? Right.
I've done the orders.
You know what we've been doing wrong in this business? Overcharging? Apart from that.
No.
We've been neglecting services.
You see, any competent business supplies not only goods, but services.
Name one service we could offer.
I'm not going out cleaning.
Don't be ridiculous.
Nobody's asked you to.
Mind you, it isn't a bad idea.
No, I'm thinking more of lifestyle guidance.
Like personal training.
Weight loss.
Yes, ah-ha.
Mm-hm.
Everybody knows you help people lose weight by relieving them of their money.
Leave that alone.
Forget it.
The thing we ought to do, if you want to modernise this business, right, is offer a decent vegetarian section.
Oh, don't tell me you're still pining after that loopy bird, are you? She's gorgeous.
She's a librarian.
How loopy is that? She stands on street corners waving placards.
Yes, on behalf of animals.
She's very fond of animals.
Not on her plate.
Ey up, Leroy, here they come, fresh from last night's romantic evening with their wives.
Did the Earth move, fellas? Not very far, by the look of it.
We just came in to tell you that romantic package you sold us was a flop.
You told us that romantic package would work.
So, we tried it.
Champagne, chocolates, soft music.
Near-lethal amounts of aftershave.
Well, credit where it's due, you smell delicious.
Are you saying that they said no to your gifts? Not to the gifts.
I've never seen chocolate disappear so fast.
Or champagne.
I mean, the wife can shift some bubbles when she's roused.
And when I say roused, I'm speaking optimistically.
But what about soft lighting, eh? Sweet music? Didn't you keep the lights down low? So low, I trod on her bare foot, didn't I? At least you made contact with something bare.
This looks like a case for plan B.
We can't afford it.
You don't know what it is yet.
We're just guessing.
All right, all right.
Well, you'll be sorry because, you see, 83% of people who use this product reported an increase in domestic .
.
connectivity.
Stop trying to beat the Joneses.
They're waving a white flat.
It's her.
She says her life needs a change.
What, and painting one room's going to do that? The difficulty I find in life is trying to get his old jumper off him for the wash.
Mine was the same.
They'd get a favourite, and you'd think it was for life.
I said, "Eric, it's got gravy on it.
" He says AS ERIC: "That's not gravy, it's rust.
"The corrosion of our once-playful relationship.
" That's what they're built for - playtime.
Mine was always playing away.
There were very few home fixtures.
I'm surprised you stuck it for so long.
No, not really.
You were never very bright.
Well, she's happier than you.
Then again, so is everybody.
Well, I find that being miserable works.
You're not inclined to spend as much as when you're happy.
I know I had a bad marriage, but I was never without hope.
He was a heavy smoker.
Rhythm! Find your rhythm.
Trust me, I'm your personal trainer.
Come on, get a move on, cos Mavis has to get back to decorating.
I'm seeing spots.
Yes, that's good, spots are good, yes.
Are they good? Yes.
You've got spots that are good.
You never said.
Which spots? Well, I'd like to be accurate about this.
Can we arrange a site meeting? I think I'm dying! Ah, yes, you're feeling the burn.
That's good.
Dying is good, yes.
Just one moment, madam, please.
There.
Is he dead? No, no, it's just the excitement of our special offers.
He's lying, I'm dead.
Oh! HE CHUCKLES Oh, taking the old microwave for a walk, are we? My wife bought this thing here yesterday.
Lord knows why.
Oh, yes.
One of our occasional technological bargains, this.
It's lethal.
Oh.
I'm sorry she's dead, but you see, we can't do anything about things that happen off the premises.
She's not dead! Oh.
But that's no thanks to you.
This thing is dangerous.
Well, it can't be that dangerous, you just walked in with it.
It's not switched on.
Well, nobody is round here, this is a cultural cul-de-sac, this.
But then again, that's the way we prefer it.
You sold her a dangerous item.
It flashes and spits.
And the turntable goes round and round in a blur of speed.
Well, what's the matter? Don't you like fast food? I demand my money back.
Now look what you've done.
Will you take that damn thing away? They're laughing at me.
It's embarrassing.
I wondered if we could meet just once before I have to go and train as an astronaut.
You're not listening.
If you give me your number, I'll call you from Mars.
Question What does your mother look like? Why would that be any business of yours? I want to know how you're going to age.
It's all right now, kidding people you're gorgeous, but what's down the line? Nothing for you.
I do impressions.
Maintain my own bicycle.
You think Shakespeare was a vegetarian? Jane Austen used to send out for pizza.
Pepperoni.
Oh, there he is, the jewel in Madge's crown.
Well, have you recovered? I'm hungry.
That sounds like a yes.
You nearly killed me out there.
But you're looking better for it.
I thought I were dead.
I get the same reaction whenever I'm on the phone to a national company.
You ready for a snack? I am.
That much exercise leaves a hole that needs filling.
Right.
OK, alert your taste buds.
This will be ready in 30 seconds.
Oh, make it 29.
29, sir.
All right.
There we go.
Thank you.
Ey up, it's getting nasty with me pasty.
No, no.
It's what we call in the trade as enhancing the flavour.
MICROWAVE DINGS There, right.
Oh, ah, oh, ah, eh, oh! Hey! Oh, ah, oh! Ahh! Ahhh! Ahh! It's only me! Oh, there you are.
Did you miss me? I haven't had time.
I like that in a man.
Nothing good ever came from wearing your heart on your sleeve.
I think mine's somewhere under my sock.
Oh, stamping again.
You'll wear your eyes out.
It's called philately.
Philately will get you nowhere! That's a joke.
Well, you might show some reaction.
The only reaction you provoke is fear.
Oh, bless you for that.
That was the basis for all my three previous marriages.
Boredom time is over.
Now, what shall we do? Oh.
Oh, yes.
Now, that is a very good decision you've just made.
I've made? Yes, why not? I don't expect you to be a doormat.
Later on, possibly, but not during this intensely physical courtship period.
When have we been intensely physical? I must have missed it.
Well, we haven't.
And I appreciate your iron self control.
Less of a struggle than you might think.
No, Mr Newbold, I know the battle it must have been.
But courage, Mr Newbold - soon I will let you loose to do your will on me.
Why do you seek my company when you dislike me? Dislike? This is not dislike, Mr Newbold.
This is care.
I am your rock, your security .
.
your fiancee.
But I've never bought you a ring.
Oh, bless you for remembering.
We'll get one later in the week.
Oh, I see your friends are here.
It's nice to have friends .
.
except possibly those two.
What's wrong with those two? Oh, nothing.
And I'm sure they'll be perfectly all right without you now that you're committed to me.
I can't just drop my friends.
No, of course not, not straight away.
Kiss me first.
What? Kiss? Yes, it's that thing where you pucker up your lips.
Yes, I know what it is.
Yes, well, I sometimes wonder.
I'm asking for a courtesy, that's all.
It sends a signal.
A peck on the cheek will do.
I don't want hands or tongues where they shouldn't be.
Did you see that? He has this tendency to maul me.
Ooh.
Is it me or is it hot in here? I like this kind.
But then I like this sort as well.
Well, why don't you take them both? That's brilliant! I'll take both.
By the way, where's this hotspot you're advertising? Don't ask.
PHONE RINGS Excuse me.
Hello, Arkwright.
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING Hello? Oh, that's funny, there's nobody there.
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING Hadn't you better answer it? Well, it's supposed to be a hotspot.
It's not supposed to perform as a phone.
RINGING STOPS I hope it wasn't urgent.
Probably somebody just trying to sell me some double glazing.
Why are you buying her a ring? I have no idea.
I'd no input into that decision.
There must be a solution.
Believe me, I thought about it .
.
but my garden's not big enough.
And she'll spoil my geraniums.
Whoa.
I think something's spoiling my geraniums.
Listen to me.
This is Eric the Peacemaker talking, with a suggestion less drastic.
Mrs Featherstone has attached herself to me by a grip which is impervious to less drastic.
And do you know why? I must have sinned heavily in some previous life.
You're lucky.
We're finding it increasingly difficult getting much sinning going in this life.
Why do you think she's attracted to you? She hates men.
I'm a human sacrifice.
No, you are a formal dresser.
Collar, tie, polished shoes.
She loves all that.
Yeah, yeah, he's right.
You want to go a bit down-market.
PHONE RINGS ALL: It's not mine.
RINGING CONTINUES How's your hotspot? Warm.
I fear for my future offspring.
It's very weird hearing it talking to you.
Nevertheless, you both look cheerier than when last seen.
It's the warm glow you get from doing a good deed.
Helping your fellow man.
Of whom are we speaking? Old Newbold.
We're trying to get him out of the clutches of Mrs Featherstone.
Oh, now, hold on.
Do you think that's a good idea? Because, you see, I think they make a perfect team.
She's been reducing him to a grub.
You see a grub, I see an emerging butterfly.
Mr Newbold?! What have you done to him? Get inside the shop.
Go on, get in, quick.
You look like a map of the London Underground.
It washes off.
What do you think you look like? Very unappealing to Mrs Featherstone.
That's where you're wrong.
Didn't she ever tell you what her favourite movies was? Well, I don't see Mrs Featherstone at the movies.
Maybe a Witches' Sabbath.
No, it was A Streetcar Named Desire.
She fell head-over-underwear for Marlon Brando .
.
looking exactly like you.
Well, I don't look like Marlon Brando.
Now, she'll never let you go.
Stay there.
Er, Leroy? Come here? Mr Newbold? But who does he remind you of? MUMBLED AND INDISTINCT: Marlon Brando.
Arlon Grango.
WHISPERS: Marlon Brando! Oh, yeah.
Marlon Brando.
There's tea in the pot.
You do look after me logistically, I'll give you that.
You still think your mother makes better Yorkshire puddings than me.
Only marginally.
Wrong answer.
You undervalue me, Kath.
You think I'm just an Eric.
Your Eric.
Part of the furniture.
Oh.
Oh, there's more, is there? Sorry, have I been missing something? I am at the cutting edge of technology.
I am permanently connected to the internet.
I am a walking hotspot.
PHONE RINGS RINGING CONTINUES I knew that's where most men's ideas come from.
It's just teething troubles.
The phone's supposed to take the call.
We'll get it sorted.
Eric, your crotch is ringing.
Do you want me to leave the room so you can talk to it? There's no need to be sarcastic.
RINGING CONTINUES Hello? RINGING CONTINUES We'll keep him in here till Merle comes.
Merle? You can't throw him to Merle.
Desperate times calls for desperate measures.
I know, but Merle? She'll be coming here to pick up her order - the order that you refused to deliver.
Wait, I am going nowhere near Merle.
You should be ashamed of even thinking about sending me.
She can't eat you.
She ate Mr Pendlebury.
That's different, he was left-handed.
Are you sure I look like Marlon Brando? Well, there are three women outside the front of the shop waiting for your autograph.
Really? Just keep him here.
I'll let you know when Merle comes.
If you don't want him straying, you best keep him at home.
Anyways, how can you be so sure I've been with him? Am I meant to remember everybody? If you want confirmation, you better send me a picture.
What are you smiling at? Nothing, just You know, grocer's welcome.
We never got it together, did we? No.
So, what are you doing to fill your empty nights? Well, not as much as you, obviously.
HE COUGHS/KNOCKS ON DOOR Sorry, sorry.
Have you got my order ready? Oh, yes, I have.
It's down here behind the counter.
I've heard all sorts goes off behind that counter.
No, that's just a rumour put about by Tesco.
How are you today, Merle? Available for parties.
And who might this tasty morsel be, then? Well, this Marlon Brando lookalike goes by the name of .
.
Pitbull.
That's not strictly true.
Don't fight it.
Live up to it.
Ohhh! These high heels make your ankles ache, don't they? I don't know, I've never worn high heels.
Merle, leave him! He's shy.
He doesn't look shy to me.
He looks combat ready! Leroy! Give Merle a hand home with this box.
Nay, don't be giving a lad a man's job! Here.
Give a lady a hand.
There'll be refreshments at the end of it.
Come along, Pitbull.
Ooh, you've kept your figure.
I bet you didn't know you were keeping it for me.
GRANVILLE CHUCKLES You can't let her just walk off with him! Oh, it'll be all right, just for a while.
It'll further his education.
He'll never be the same.
Don't worry, I'll send in a replacement.
Where are you going to find someone as stupid, reckless or as brave as that? SHOP BELL RINGS HE BELCHES What have you got for a midday snack? You'd be surprised.
GEARS CRUNCH If it's just a dripping tap, how come it's an emergency? Oh, I think you'll find it is an emergency.
And what am I doing here? Hm? I know you've told me, but I've forgotten.
Well, I need you here to witness Gastric's skills, so that you can go home and tell Madge how good he is with the ladies.
Hm? Is Mavis coming in with me? No! Er, I mean, no, she'll stay here and witness it from here.
Shouldn't take too long.
HE CHUCKLES I've come cos you've got a drip.
You're not kidding.
I hope you've got more going for you.
You see how attractive he is to women? Now you can tell your Madge.
Oh.
'Ey! You see? There are bigger perils than Mrs Featherstone.
I never realised there was so much meat about.
I can understand people going vegetarian.
Oh, aye.
Do you think we ought to leave Gastric? Yes, leave him.
Let's get away from here.
Doesn't look like a bad back to me! Where to? Anywhere! HE LAUGHS Right! That Merle's a pearl.
I bet we don't see Pitbull any more.
I thought Gastric was moving BETTER when he fled from Merle's place.
Just shows, my training's paying off.
PHONE RINGS Oh, dear! I bet it's a wrong number.
It's really no place for strangers.