Still Open All Hours (2013) s04e03 Episode Script

Series 4, Episode 3

BELL DINGS Hmm.
You're taking crude commercial advantage of me.
You look great.
I look like a banana.
You look as though you're born to be a banana.
Look, what we're doing here is we are creating customer interest.
You say "we," but look who's wearing this thing.
You're playing the lead in this production.
Oh, well, I am flattered that you think I've got the emotional range to be a convincing banana.
Listen, today a banana, and tomorrow, who knows? Hey, I've got this image of a stick of celery.
Oh! CASH REGISTER RINGS COINS JINGLE Come on.
HE LAUGHS Come on.
Oh! Wait, wait for it.
You may.
Go on.
Oh! All right, Arkwright, don't get overexcited.
Let's try and keep it civilised, hey? It too early to be civilised.
It's only half past barbarian.
You, you should be jumping out of bed in the morning thirsting to get to grips with your first customer.
Yesterday that was Mrs Lewis.
Oh, right, I take your point.
Anyway, Leroy, you're not showing enough keenness.
Just remember that one day all of this will be yours.
You're going to leave all of this to a banana? Stop moaning.
It worked, though, didn't it? Yeah, for you.
All I got was greenfly! BELL DINGS I suppose we ought to be grateful it's not a four by four.
We can't leave it outside, it'll get nicked.
To you this is just a tandem, but to us, she's Well, she's family.
She shares our pain.
You know, I've always thought the best way to ease pain is a bit of therapeutic spending.
Messrs Arkwright and Son extend a warm welcome to practising members of the consumer society.
Didn't you used to be a banana? I'm trying to forget.
Would you mind telling me what you come in for, and get that thing out of here.
We want energy snacks.
Healthy bites for athlete reaching for the limits.
Aye, something to see us through the agony.
Well, I've got granary bars.
Sugar-free whole-wheat crunches.
Bacon buttys.
Thought you'd never ask.
Oh, nice job, Gastric.
I'm not usually that sure about anything.
Oh, I knew you'd like it.
She'll find fault.
Did you wipe the floor mats? Both sides.
You could eat a meal off them.
So that's how you learned your table manners.
I've been thinking, Madge Don't strain yourself for me.
Close your clacker a minute and listen to what he's got to say.
We should go out for a meal sometime, I'd get dressed up, you wouldn't know me.
I don't know you.
You ought to get out more, Madge, get a life.
A meal with him? I've seen him at work on a sandwich.
It'll be all right if I stay off things that splash.
You could splash walnuts.
Don't give up.
No way, I'm making progress.
She used to ignore me.
Now she insults me to my face.
THEY LAUGH Is this loaf fresh? This crust is dry.
Dry, hard, and a specially designed by our leading brain scientists to keep out the crumb fly.
That's a new one on me, crumb fly.
But you've seen the trail that it leaves, haven't you? You know, the crumbs everywhere.
We all find crumbs.
And I bet you've scolded your husband, haven't you, for leaving crumbs about when all the time it's been the crumb fly? I wouldn't say scold.
I make him clean them up.
And I suspect he hasn't heard of crumb fly, either.
He will have heard of the saying, "Oh, crumbs," which dates back to the great plague of the crumb fly in 1460 something or other, when they had to evacuate Birmingham.
Well, I've never seen one.
Well, of course, you won't, Madame, will you? Because it Pardon me.
.
.
takes a professional.
But you're sure there's none in this loaf? Well, how about I give it another run through my crumb fly detective for you? I'd feel better.
Yeah.
Won't be a moment.
Excuse me.
SQUEAKING There we are.
Guaranteed crumb fly free.
That'll be 10p, but worth it just for the peace of mind, don't you think? How do these flies manage to stay unseen? You never know that they've been, because they work in gangs.
See, they come along and they send one of the gang into the bread, and he's in there, sorting it out, and he's throwing the crumbs out, like that, to his mates that are on the outside.
They're very organised.
You're looking at the insect equivalent of five O-levels.
Anyway, that's £1.
50, plus 10p for the test.
When do I get to ride in front? When you're ready for that amount of responsibility.
I'm ready to change this saddle.
This thing's got attitude.
Well, it's no picnic in the hot seat.
It's me who takes the full impact of any collision.
Then, I recommend we don't have one.
You'll be safe behind me, while I'm out on a limb here, on top of which I had to the navigating.
Wait! What are you what are you playing at?! Argh! Argh! Get off me.
Oh! HE CLEARS HIS THROA What happens when I go brown and start turning to mush? There's nothing looks worse than yesterday's banana.
Why are you wearing dark glasses? You think I want to be recognised? Come along, man up.
We don't want to be known as people who are selling bananas of low self-esteem, do we? What's your worst nightmare? You know that, it's the black widow.
Good luck for mashed bananas.
No, no, let me, you let me in, you swine, you BELL RINGS Was that a banana I saw you with, Granville? Stick to your own kind, we peel just as easily.
How is Mr Newbold? Beating a path to my door.
Sometimes he overwhelms me.
How long before he gets his forceful, masculine way? I can't see you being overwhelmed, Mrs Featherstone.
I saw you frightening a policeman.
A perfect stranger and he told me I was speeding.
No, no, Granville, there is a timid female inside here waiting for someone who has the nerve to explore.
Grab me, Granville, before its too late.
Oh, oh, excuse me, I've got to check my reserve stock.
Oh, oh, you've got a wicked way with words.
Secure me now, before Mr Newbold becomes the fourth Mr Featherstone.
He's a good man.
He deserves to be happy, but you should marry him anyway.
Well, don't think you could have me as a bit on the side if I marry.
Although, I would recommend that you check that decision periodically.
Why? Why do they want to go round Britain by tandem? They're blood brothers.
It's a symbol of their male bonding.
Two spirits, joined as one, in search of action and adventure.
THEY LAUGH I think it's great.
You thought him you married was great.
I didn't like to contradict him.
Well, no wonder your marriage failed.
Did you try being nasty? That gets far better results.
Hey, we're not all as gifted as you.
I don't do so badly.
Ask anybody.
Ask gastric.
You're rotten to him.
Gastric was designed for punishment.
I always thought you got more by being nice.
So, what did I get? Pregnant.
There's nice and there's nice.
I know that now! I always found being unpleasant was the best form of contraception.
I used to fake a runny nose and sniffle a lot.
That worked for me.
I thought you were poorly.
I know, I was good, wasn't I? You don't need any tricks, you just say no.
Don't they sulk? Of course they sulk, get used to it.
It's all right for you, you've got somebody amiable.
I always used to settle for well-trained.
You'd have been fast tracked for promotion in the SS.
I applied, but they had no vacancies.
Mine looked really good on our wedding pictures.
Really happy.
Thanks to the best man.
Oh, you thought it was your husband's best friend.
I did.
Especially when he ran off with him.
Are you going to read those or are they just so you can come in, and annoy me? Bit of both.
When are we going out for a meal? Never.
Oh, as soon as that, better wash my hair.
"The Handbook Of Western Philosophy.
" I was going to wait for the movie, but All right.
Hello, Mavis.
Hello, Granville.
Alone at last.
Not for long, I bet.
You're just in time to see my collection of Victorian cheese slices.
You certainly know how to tempt a person.
I wonder how many girls have gone wrong falling for an invitation like that.
I can't imagine.
But let's see if we can add one.
They warn you against everything but cheese slices.
I have an admission to make.
I don't actually have a collection of Victorian cheese slices.
So I've been tricked and misled? Oh, well, feels all right so far.
And it could get better.
You'd talk me into anything.
I've forgotten what I came in for now.
You see, I now have a dilemma.
Because I don't have a collection of Victorian cheese slices, I wonder what it is we're going to do.
Don't ask me.
You know what I'm like at decisions.
Fortunately, I do have an idea.
Is this the idea that's just getting interesting, and somebody comes into the shop? That's the one.
And then I serve them like lightning.
And I'm straight back.
BELL RINGS DOOR CLOSES Don't go away.
Yes, yes, Mr Newbold, what can I get you? Very quickly.
I'm here with a sizeable order.
I've made a list.
Right, OK, leave it with me, off you go, and I'll get it sent round to you.
No.
No, I need it now, I want to take it with me.
But, you see, I've got certain logistical problems that require my attention in the warehouse.
Can't you attend to me first? Can't they wait? Well, they do depend on the size of your, you know, your list.
All right.
Have a look.
Three, four Oh! Erm Oh.
Oh, hello, Mavis, are being attended to? The short answer is no.
Me, neither.
He said he'd be straight back.
I think I'm in love with a librarian.
Is that wise? They probably read in bed.
I'm never going to find out.
She won't look at me because I eat meat.
Only at mealtimes.
Emergency rations, Granville.
That's why all the tinned stuff.
My door's going to be firmly locked against allcomers.
I shall be unavailable.
Locking yourself in with Mrs Featherstone.
Sealing off your little love nest.
Way to go, Mr Newbold.
Locking her in? I'm looking her out.
A man's house is his castle, and I'm pulling up the drawbridge.
I'm barricading me in.
I was coming back from town.
They passed me on the tandem, wobbling.
It's what they do best.
You have to admire their ambition, though.
Also, I do feel obliged to point out some wives might find the magic returning at the sight of their husbands dressed head to toe in Lycra.
I must have missed it.
DOOR CLOSES Oh! Get me a chair.
With a cushion on it.
Where's the other idiot? Coming.
He'll need a cushion, honey.
Two cushions.
BELL RINGS Hey, I've had three good rollickings from that Madge today already.
I'm really getting her attention now.
Hey? Hello? Is there anybody there? Nod once for yes.
Mrs Featherstone.
No, the way you can tell is I'm not in a frock.
No, but I can tell you what I mean, trouble.
You were so far gone, I could have shoplifted anything.
You what? You were miles away.
Yeah, not enough miles between me and the threat I'm under.
The weights and measures been checking you again? No, no, it's worse than that.
It's the black widow.
I've got to get her and Mr Newbold back together again.
Do you think he fancies her? Of course he fancies her.
It's just that he doesn't know that yet.
But watch this space.
Careless.
Has he forgotten I'm coming? Black mark, Newbold, this won't do.
KNOCKING ON DOOR Is he going deaf? Is he concealing it from me? You see how they suck you in, pretending they're fit for purpose.
Why didn't you tell me? What other little disabilities are you going to spring on me? Is this why you have never sprung on me? Oh, men! Who can you trust? Shame on you, Newbold! Ooh.
Wait a minute.
This is not the Newbold I know and can turn to jelly.
I see what it is.
He's afraid to tell me in case in case it drives me away.
Oh, bless him.
All is forgiven.
Unless it's something very unsightly.
It is I, Wilburn, your Delphine.
You know what Mr Newbold's problem is, don't you? Well, he sees Mrs Featherstone as a tough old bat.
That could be because she is a tough old bat.
Yes, on the surface.
But does he know what lies beneath? Does he know that she was once an exotic dancer, who went by the name of Roxy Thong? Mrs Featherstone? Yeah.
Get over.
She performed mainly in Europe.
That's why we don't know about her here.
She drove them mad in Germany, you know.
She did things with three balloons that you could not believe.
HE GRUNTS AND STRUGGLES Right, I've got you.
There.
Who did that? That's Leroy.
BELL RINGS DOOR CLOSES Right, stay there, don't go away.
Good day to you, Mrs Thong.
"Thong"? Featherstone.
You said "Thong.
" Did I say? Why did I say "Thong"? Perhaps we could go to a quieter place, and tease out the roots of that Freudian slip.
How is Mr Newbold? He's dead.
"Dead"? What? He can't be dead.
I went round to his house.
I called and I called, there was no reply, he must be dead.
Well, he was in here this morning.
He looked perfectly well.
They go fast at his age.
So, there's just you and me now, Granville.
Oh! I'll give him a call.
Well, what's the point if he's dead? He's not dead.
No, well, he better be if he's not answering my calls.
PHONE RINGS Hexthorpe Gasworks.
You're not the Hexthorpe Gasworks.
It's you, Newbold, isn't it? I thought you were dead.
Why didn't I think of that? Why are you masquerading as the Hexthorpe Gasworks? It's a fantasy.
Do you mind? I've always wanted to be the Hexthorpe Gasworks.
Wait there, I'm coming round.
No.
"No"? No, it's dangerous.
I've got spots, I'm contagious.
Ah! Oh, well Not dead, just unhygienic.
There's a window of opportunity for you here, Granville, until spots disappear.
Oh, yes.
Right, no, hang on, hang on, look, sorry, we've just got to get rid of that.
You can't have that on your continental sausage.
What is it? It's, it's Hold on, there it is.
It's the bratwurst beetle.
There are terrible little breeders, they are.
I mean, you get two of these together, and the next thing you know, you've got a colony.
Hold on, there it is.
Hold on, then it goes.
You stay there.
Get out.
There he is.
THUD That'll tie a knot in his prospects.
As I was saying, Granville, a window of opportunity.
Argh! Sorry, you were saying? Not now, can't stop, must fly! BELL RINGS Who's got spots? Seems like everyone.
Did you know that Granville had spots? Just the one near his PHONE RINGS Hello? IMITATING GERMAN ACCENT: Would this be the Herr Newbold mit whom I am speaking? This is Mr Newbold, yes.
The one who Frau Featherstone calls Smoochy? I have never been called Smoochy.
But also known as Foxy Fingers, ja? Never.
Well, to business.
We understand that you may have the number of Frau Featherstone.
Oh, yes, I've got her number all right.
You see, I'm speaking on behalf of the Monchengladbach over 60s Frauline Roxy Thong fan club.
Ein question, Herr Newbold, does she still do the balloons? And would she do them for us one more time? I'm sorry, but I heff have no connection with Frau Featherstone.
But we are told that you are the lover of the former Roxy Thong.
Oh! Those balloons! I can assure you that I'm not a lover of Frau Featherstone.
Then I can only conclude that you have never seen the balloons.
Forget the balloons.
Believe me, I try.
For many years I'm seeking to forget the balloons, but under my skin she gets.
I'm sorry, but I can't help you.
What I am saying is help yourself.
She was the toast of Europe.
Are you telling me that the woman I know as Mrs Featherstone was once an exotic dancer who went by the name of Miss Roxy Thong? Yup.
So, who's the lucky boy, then? Ja, ja, ja! HE LAUGHS Will you get out of here? You'll get me sacked.
I wanted you to know I'm suitable for vegetarians.
I've come to mop your fevered brow.
It's been a funny day.
I had to let the banana go early.
I hope he's not getting overripe.
I was barely half a cheese slicer away from that Mavis when my instinct for avarice took over.
Miss Roxy Thong, I wonder what she actually did with those balloons.
Must have gone with a bang.