Still Up (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

The Date

I'd have to say the chin.
You could live without a chin?
But what would stop your teeth from
falling out the bottom of your face?
Trust me. I'd cope.
Anyway, it'd be a much better
life than you with your "no knees."
Just two stiff legs. Ridiculous.
For instance, how would
you drive a forklift?
That wouldn't concern me.
Break-dance. You
couldn't break-dance.
Again, that is just not something
that would affect my life.
I could easily live without knees.
Especially my knees. I hate 'em.
There's nothing wrong with your knees.
What do you mea? They're massive.
When I wear leggings,
it looks like I'm smuggling
a couple of cauliflowers.
Interesting. See, I'd
lean more towards satsumas.
Do I want anything from the airport?
- A giant Toblerone. Obviously.
- Obviously.
Looking forward to Veg coming home.
- Might cook him dinner.
- What, you?
Yes. Thank you, Daniel. I can cook.
Anyway, tonight's the big night.
What time's Amy arriving?
Just after 9:00.
After she's finished
with her last client.
Yeah. What's she do again?
- Personal trainer.
- Personal trainer.
I went out with one of
them. Do you know what?
He used to stop foreplay
to put his fitness watch on.
It was a bit of a mood
killer, if I'm honest.
Really? That reminds me.
What's the password for
the dating site again?
I just wanna check my
DMs to make sure I'm not
repeating myself with stories.
Yeah. Potato123.
Potato Potato123?
Yeah. Potato123.
- Potato123. Potato123. Potato123.
- So, how did you
tell her about the whole
not-being-able-to-go-out thing?
Yeah. You'll like this.
I didn't.
Danny, just tell her. She'll understand.
It's a first date.
I'll tell her when
things get more serious.
Like when we're in a care home together.
All right. Fine. So
what are you gonna cook?
- Where do you want it, Daniel?
- On the counter. Cheers, Adam.
Is Adam cooking?
No, he just picked up a few things.
Take me with you.
- Hi, Adam.
- Hi, Leese.
How's the firefighting?
Yeah, good. Well, not
good. No fire is good.
It's our main rule.
Okay. So, let me talk you through these.
I went foraging this morning,
so it's as fresh as can be.
- Danny, did he just say foraging?
- I think so, yeah.
So in here, you've got your nettles.
This is the best time of year for them.
I'm surprised there's ever
a good time to eat nettles.
Then you've got your wild
garlic and your chestnuts.
Any questions?
- I don't know where to begin.
- Okay, so, for me,
I like to fry it all up with oil
and then have it with some wild rice.
Have you got any wild rice?
- Do I have any wild rice?
- No. You don't have wild rice.
Don't worry. I got you. I'll be
back in a sec. Don't go anywhere.
Danny, don't you think
Adam does enough for you?
He does your washing, shopping and now
you've got him in the woods foraging.
He likes to lend a helping
hand. I'm not gonna stop him.
I think you're taking advantage.
Here we go. Wild rice.
Brilliant. Thank you.
Right, Adam. Listen up.
We were just talking.
If you had to live without a
body part, what would it be?
- Adam?
- Adam?
I don't know what I could,
but I definitely couldn't
live without my nose.
- Why not?
- I'd just miss it.
Did I ever tell you about that time
my uncle Brian worked in
construction in the '90s?
So there he was with his
mate Trevor, working away
when this six-foot sheet of
metal above them comes loose,
falls down, misses my
uncle, but whoosh
Catches his mate Trevor.
Slices the end of his nose off.
Somehow my uncle found the tip.
And without a moment's thought
- No! Don't eat it!
- he popped it in his mouth.
He put it in his mouth?
- You would, wouldn't you?
- No, you wouldn't.
- No. Why would you do that?
- No. You wouldn't.
The mouth is the best
place to keep it fresh.
No. I'm sorry. That just can't be true.
So wait. Your uncle
sucked on his mate's nose?
That's just not hygienic.
So what happened?
They took Trevor and
the tip to the surgeon
and got it stitched back on.
Now my uncle's godfather
to Trev's daughter.
And as for his nose, from some
angles, you would never know.
But from others, it did look a
bit like a badly-split sausage.
Right. I'd better shoot.
Gotta pop upstairs and help
Mr. Shamim into his bath.
Any problems, I'm just
across the hall, all right?
- Cheers, Adam. Appreciate it.
- Bye, Leese!
That guy's just too nice for his own
good. I can't believe he's still single.
You never say that about me.
But, Danny, I find it hard to comprehend
- that anyone ever went out with you.
- Yeah. Fair.
I am joking.
She better be good
enough for you, this Amy.
And she better not tease
you about how weird you are.
What, like you just did there?
Yeah. But that's different.
'Cause I'm allowed.
Yeah. All right. I'm a bit
terrified, if I'm honest.
The whole talking,
texting to her from a
distance of at least,
14 square miles, that's
terrifying enough.
But to have her here in the flat,
yards away from my underwear drawer.
Expecting me to talk,
say interesting things.
It's horrifying. I don't know
how people do this, you know?
I don't have any
stories to tell as well.
Because I've been inside all
the time. So I have no anecdotes.
I know I've put too much aftershave
on 'cause it's starting to redden,
and it's starting to burn the nostrils.
Serious now, what are the chances that
Amy's gonna be up for some nettles?
What, you mean nettles that a dog
has almost certainly pissed on?
This is gonna be the
worst date in history.
No, it's not. It's gonna be great.
Plus, I have already been
on the worst date in history.
Tell me about it. 'Cause if it's good,
I'm gonna package it as my own story.
He chose the place.
We had a couple of beers.
We had some good chat.
And then he suggested we move
to a different setting. I said
Yeah. Sure.
And that's when I realized
our table wasn't just a table.
What's going on?
It was also a bike.
Seven miles he made me cycle.
And for a week after
I walked around like a
cowboy lost in a car park.
Yeah. No, that's pretty bad.
Listen. I've been worrying
about this all week.
I've come up with a few ideas
that might help her feel more at ease.
Course you have. Go on
then. Let's hear 'em.
Okay. First one.
Do I remove all doors on my cupboards
so that she knows I'm
not concealing any weapons
or recording devices?
- No.
- Okay. What about this one?
Should I put on two pairs of trousers?
You know what?
Why don't you just put
a padlock on your flies?
I think that'll really put her at ease.
'Cause it What do you mean? Really?
No! A man with no cupboard doors
and wearing two pairs of
trousers would terrify me.
You know what you're trying to do?
- What?
- You're trying to sabotage yourself.
I know what you're like.
You've got this self-destructive thing
where you think you should be unhappy
and live alone for the
rest of your life.
That does not sound like me.
I am a one-man roller
coaster of happiness.
One-man roller coaster of
happiness, for one night only then,
why don't you try and enjoy yourself?
I hate trying to enjoy
myself. It hurts my tummy.
- That's her.
- Yep. I know it's her. I can hear.
- Okay.
- Just relax.
- And That's too much.
- Okay.
No, leave them. They were nice.
I'm okay. Sh
- Calm down.
- I am calm.
Don't say "calm down"
'cause then I won't be calm.
Don't panic.
You're good. You've got this.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Don't do that voice.
I know. Shut up.
Hang on. Yeah.
- Two seconds.
- Okay.
It's her. She's here now.
- So, I'm going to Yeah.
- Yeah, she's here.
- I'll keep you informed.
- Okay.
You're good. You've got this.
Just be normal, okay?
Don't say that.
Excuse me, sir. Sir?
Do it.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Sorry. Is it a kind of
- Hands.
Double. Isn't that better?
Who's she?
I thought I knew all your friends.
Please, come in. Quickly.
Sorry. Just ignore him.
I know it's tough, but
trust me, it's for the best.
Or would you prefer that open?
Why would I prefer that?
I don't know. If you wanted to
In case you felt If you
If what?
If you're in fear of your
life. Speaking of which
- Yep?
- This is Adam.
- He's a firefighter.
- Hi.
Very tall, very muscular.
He can overpower me in an instant,
so that's the place to run
- if you any whiff of trouble, okay?
- Danny?
- Yeah?
- What are you doing?
Just trying to make you feel at ease.
Danny. Calm down. Get me
a drink, for God's sake.
Is it All right.
Trust me, if you did try anything dodgy,
I could kick your arse in an instant.
Okay. Excellent. Good
to Yeah. Good to know.
So do you just want
me to wait here or
ma'am I stabbed him in the neck.
Like you said. I told you that.
But what you didn't tell us is
that you also strangled him earlier.
You actually killed him twice.
Now, ma'am
- Cover me.
- Okay.
Hey, Leese. Everything okay?
Hey. Yeah. Just
checking you landed okay.
- We haven't even taken off.
- What?
No. Flight got delayed.
Yeah, pilot's lost his hat
or something. I don't know.
- 3:00!
- What?
Get him right in the face!
What are you doing?
Sorry. Me and Rob are
playing Dead Zone Seven.
Just to kill the time.
- And zombies.
- Yes, and zombies, to be fair.
So, what's up?
No. Nothing. Just looking
forward to seeing you.
- Yeah?
- Sorry.
Did I say you? I meant my Toblerone.
If we get delayed any longer,
you'll be lucky if it makes it home.
- Yeah. Honestly, Lisa,
- No.
I've never been so
hungry in all my life.
Don't you dare Veggie. That Toblerone is
the only thing that's keeping me going.
I am dangerously bored right now.
Okay. And I'm boring
you with how bored I am.
Why don't you give Danny
a call? You usually do.
Yeah. Only 'cause he's up when I'm up.
But No, he's actually
He's on a date tonight.
Right. Good for him. It's about time.
That's what I thought. It
is good for him. So, yeah.
Everything's all good basically.
Hang on, Leese. They've
breached the barricades.
- I'll text you when I land, okay?
- Okay.
Sorry. We'll just be a few minutes.
Hello. You okay?
- What is?
- She is.
That's good.
Yeah. There I was, totally
worried about everything, right?
She walks in, sees me
acting like a twat, says,
"Bollocks to this."
Takes one look at the
dog piss nettles and says,
"Let's just order in Chinese instead."
Honestly, I think she's the
funniest person I've ever met.
That's great.
Yeah. And also, she just
She's so easy to talk to.
That's so great. That's really
- That's amazing.
- Yeah.
So when you're talk
When the With the f
With the funny thing,
why's she so funny?
What's her Give me some examples.
What's her style? Like
Yeah. There was this bit where she
Honestly, I could not stop
You know when you're
not supposed to laugh?
Like when you're in school
and you'd get told off.
I just could not stop laughing
and kept going and going and going.
I was cracking up. There was a bit
What was it? She was
She was just kind of
I don't know if it's gonna make
any sense. That's the thing.
It's one of those things
where you had to be there.
That sort of thing.
Anyway, I'd better go.
She's probably wondering
why I'm taking so long.
I'll speak to you later. Ciao.
Ice cream.
You're joking.
I'm bloody not. You think
your cat fella is bad?
My neighbor, literally without fail,
sings through my letter box
every night at precisely 1:00 a.m.
He sounds nuts.
Yeah. Nice voice though.
There we go.
Lisa, she has this neighbor that
Hold on. Sorry.
Talk of the devil.
Sorry. I'll just
- Must be something important. Sorry.
- Yes. It's okay.
Hey. Sorry, I just
wanted to let you know,
I've sent you a reset link for
the password for the dating site.
'Cause I was just thinking,
if my account gets hacked,
then your messages will get hacked
too. And that'd be really bad.
Right. Okay. Yeah, thank you.
Yeah. So, is Amy still there?
Yeah, she's still here.
That's great. She
obviously really likes you.
If she didn't,
she definitely would have sent a text
to a friend, getting them to call,
saying there was an emergency and
she had to leave immediately. So
Right. Okay. Yeah. No one's called.
Yeah. 'Cause usually, that's
within the first 15 minutes.
So if someone calls now,
then it probably is a real emergency.
Right. Thanks for letting me know.
Okay. Yeah, all right. I'll let you go.
Good luck. Have fun.
Yeah. Bye.
- Hi, and welcome to Rapid Recipes.
- Hi.
Now, this recipe is one
of my all-time favorites.
An absolute banger and
guaranteed to impress.
Are we ready?
- Ready.
- Before we start,
remember to hit that
like and subscribe button
so that when our latest
video drops, you'll r
Okay, are we ready?
Still ready.
So, I came up with this recipe
whilst walking through the
canola flower fields of Gansu,
- which I'm not gonna lie
- Just tell me how to make it.
This method of cooking actually
hails from the Sichuan province.
Traveling the country by rail
is a great way of seeing China
and all it has to offer.
I'll never forget the last words my
grandmother said to me before she died.
Oh, my God. Nobody cares.
Okay, so let's get down to some cooking.
Travel to China in five-star
- No
- Hey.
Hi. How was Aberdeen?
Only really saw the
hotel conference suite.
It was nice though.
- I come with chocolate.
- Thank you.
Starving. I was just
gonna grab a Huel.
Actually, I thought I might cook.
God, are you feeling okay?
Don't be mean.
He's always doing that.
So, any scandal?
You know, "What happens in
Aberdeen, stays in Aberdeen"?
Not really. Just insurance stuff mainly.
Really? God, that's boring.
I thought conferences were
all about people getting drunk
and having orgies in hotel rooms.
- You've met the people I work with.
- Come on. There must be some gossip.
Who was that one at the Christmas party
who kept stroking your arm all night?
She definitely has a
dungeon in her house.
- No.
- Yeah.
Although she did just have
her basement converted.
Actually, I saw this
program the other day,
and there was this couple, right, who
were having their basement done up.
What did you do?
- So good.
- So good.
Looks great.
Yeah, I managed to scrape
most of the burnt bits off.
So, bon appétit.
- Who's that?
- It's just
Steve from the Milton Keynes office.
Share the joke.
Ri Sorry, yeah.
Last night, the whole team,
we went out for dinner.
And we were starving, so
we ended up at Five Guys.
Five Guys? Wow, you never
go to Five Guys with me.
- Right, yeah. Sorry. We were there
- Sorry.
- Yeah. Go on.
- Yeah, and
They've got this drinks machine,
where you can pick whatever you want.
- Yeah. Okay.
- So Steve
- Steve goes up to it
- Okay.
and he mixes together
Oh, God, no. What?
Coke, Coke Zero and Diet
Coke. Like a third of each.
He didn't.
It gets better.
- Okay.
- So then,
he goes over to the
guy that works there,
who's looking at him like he is insane.
- I bet he was.
- And
Steve says
Steve says,
"I'm sorry, I've got a Coke problem."
No way.
Oh, man.
I thought they were gonna
throw us out or something.
Yeah, I bet you did. God, that
is just so Steve, isn't it?
Have you met him before?
No. But I feel like I have now.
Oh, yeah. Man.
The guy is such a joker.
Kills me.
You know what we should do?
I've got some cards.
They're called Spicy Talk.
- Spicy Talk?
- That's right.
They're like a "where'd you lose
your virginity" sort of thing.
They're a gift from Lisa.
Could be fun?
- Yeah, I'm game.
- Yeah?
Question one.
"Where is the wildest place
you have ever had sex?"
My mum and dad's bed.
A mini submarine.
Trust me. It's crazy.
"Tell me the story of your first love."
Serena Williams.
I had this recurring dream
about her challenging me
to an arm wrestle.
She beat me every time.
That one's quite specific, isn't it?
Wonder Woman. Figurine.
Yeah, I sandpapered her uniform off.
To see her naked.
Things didn't work out
for obvious reasons.
"What do you think
is your best quality?"
My lung capacity.
Yeah, I can hold my breath
for four and a half minutes.
Looking on the bright side
of life. Plus, a great arse.
- Humble.
- What about you?
I'd say probably that I'm quiet.
My jizz.
And I like to tidy up after myself.
- So sexy.
- Isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Then rounding off the full package,
I like to stay out of the way.
"Weirdest sexual fantasy?"
I have one, but it's not mine.
You already know that.
Oh, yeah. Course.
You never told anyone though, did you?
What? Oh, no. Definitely not.
So, the sound of Marge Simpson's
voice actually gave him the horn.
You know I was really
drunk when I said that.
"Tell me something
you've never told anyone."
I don't know what a meme is.
I don't mind Coldplay.
- You're a monster. Too far.
- I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna leave my own flat.
Do you know what, I can't
really think of anything.
You're lying to me. You are. You're
doing that thing with your nose
- when you're hiding something.
- No.
Tell me what it is. Tell
me what you're hiding.
- Tell me, tell me.
- Okay. Okay.
You remember the Michael
Bublé concert we went to
when I got a bit carried away
and had all those espresso
martinis by mistake?
The next day I was out running
and they all sort of hit me.
Then something happened.
Something else.
Go away.
Ruby! Here, girl. Ruby? Where are you?
- Lovely morning.
- Hiya.
- Ruby?
- It wasn't until I looked back
that I realized she was doing it.
How did you do such a massive poo-poo?
No! Veggie!
Don't laugh at that. It's not funny.
The dog was tiny.
How she thought it came out
of it, what's she feeding it?
I need to get to bed.
I really wanna have a
workout in the morning.
Love you.
Yeah. And now actually try.
- I am trying.
- Okay.
Is this the first time
you've ever done this?
Can you tell?
Fast, fast, fast. As fast you can.
Yeah, that looks really good.
- Is that it?
- Yes. And hook!
There we go. Dead. Gone.
Yeah. Eh, jab!
Jab, jab, jab. Super Superspeed.
Yeah. As fast as you can.
You're better than you thought.
I'll come too.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Any minute now,
you'll be ready to sleep the
sleep of a thousand dreams.
Let me take you on a
journey of discovery.
Let my voice wash over your body,
as together we peel back the layers.
Exposing ourselves to
If you had to live without one
part of your body, what would it be?
Yeah. I'll sort it in the morning.
Only three more miles to go.
Great. Yeah
- Who died?
- What? Mum. Nobody.
Come on, Leese. You know the rules.
Anything after 10:30
has to be death-related.
Oh, yeah. Sorry. I
forgot. No. It's just
Come on. Out with it.
No. Nothing. Just
Okay, look, tiny thing.
- You think I'm funny, right?
- Funny as in weird or funny ha ha?
- Funny ha ha.
- Leese,
I'm not the right person to ask.
You know how uncomfortable
I get around laughter.
All right. Forget I said anything.
How's Poppy?
Yeah, she's fine.
And Veggie?
Yeah, you know. He's working hard.
Why did you really call me?
I had better go. My taxi's outside.
Yeah. This was fun.
It was nice and stuff.
Maybe we should do it
again, if you want to.
Yes. I'd love to.
But no, I don't think so.
Danny, you're sweet. You're funny.
You're bloody weird. I like you.
That all sounds like good
stuff. Where did I go wrong?
Do you know what you spent
half of the night talking about?
Your ex. You're obviously not over her.
Wait. Chloe? I don't remember
talking about Chloe at all.
Chloe? No, I'm talking about the one
who kept calling you all night. Lisa.
Lisa? No, no, no. She's
not my ex. We're just mates.
I hate to break it to
you, but you're not.
Not from where I'm standing.
Honestly, Mum.
Me and Veggie, we're good. We're good.
You know what I think of
Veggie. The way he treats you.
The way he's taken on
Poppy like she's his own.
What that man lacks in personality,
he makes up for in reliability.
I think he's great.
Yeah, I know he's great.
But you don't owe anyone
anything in this life, Leese.
If you're questioning things,
if you're having doubts,
if that's what this is, then it's
okay. It doesn't make you a bad person.
No, honestly, I think I'm
just It's just lack of sleep.
I'll be fine in the morning.
All right. If you're sure.
- Yeah, I am. Thanks.
- For what?
- For listening.
- I'm your mum, aren't I?
And you do think I'm
funny ha ha, right, Mum?
Don't beat yourself up.
Me and your dad was never
funny, so it's not your fault.
What? Mum.
Now the birds are up. Gonna
have to find me earplugs now.
Look, try and get some sleep, all right?
- Okay. Night.
- Bye. Night night.
I'm well funny.
I think we'd have been
brilliant together.
Bye, Danny.
Bye, Amy.
Maybe give me a call if you ever
Oh, God!
Get it out! Get it out!
Oh, God. Hang on.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Adam, quick! It's an emergency!
My bloody finger.
Yeah. Where is it?
Okay. I've got it. I've got it.
Adam, bring ice!
Don't panic. It's all right.
What are you doing?
Who needed ice?
Hiya. Hope you had a good
night. Just checking in.
Yeah. Knock knock.
Come on, Danny. Join in. Knock knock.
Who's there?
- Control freak.
- Control
Now you say, "Control freak who?"
Anyway, hope tonight
was fun. Speak soon.
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