Still Up (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

Veggie Veggie Bing Bong

You okay?
Yeah, yeah. Sorry,
just, uh, depressurizing.
You know what I'm like when
I have to use the satnav.
- Yeah.
Do you know how many insurance
claims due to satnav-related accidents
I see every year in my job?
- Uh
- Loads.
Yeah, almost a quarter of
the country has had one.
- Sorry, no work talk.
This break's all about family time.
I am really glad we're doing
this. Just the three of us.
- Oh. Uh, just the three of us?
- Mmm.
It's just, um [STAMMERS]
w-when you said family time, I-I
- Over here! We made it!
- [DRIVER] Hey!
- [VEGGIE] Hey.
[PASSENGER] Whoo-hoo!
- Oh, you invited your parents.
Sorry. Th-That's not a problem, is it?
No. No, don't be silly. No,
it's fine. No, it's lovely.
Great. Vedges!
- [PARENTS] Assemble! [CHEERING]
- [PARENT 1] Yay! Aw, yay!
- [PARENT 2] Yay!
- [PARENT 1] Here's the pop star.
- [EXCLAIMS] Here she is. Say hi.
- [PARENT 2] Hello.
- [PARENT 1] Hi, Lisa!
Is she okay? She looks a pit peaky.
Hey, Vedgers and Vedgettes.
Um, welcome back to my channel.
I am Mark Vedge.
Today I am joined by
a very special guest.
His name's Russell.
Legally he's my stepdad,
but to me, he's just Dad.
And he's absolutely barmy! [CHUCKLES]
Hey, Veggie fans. How you diddling?
[LAUGHS] "Diddling." I didn't know he
was gonna say that. He's off his rocker.
- [PARENT 1] The pair of them.
- [LISA] Yeah.
[PARENT 1] Like a couple of kids.
- They get on really well, don't they?
- Yeah. It's always been that way.
- When he was at junior school,
Mark's teacher asked him what
he wanted to be when he grew up.
- Mmm?
- What do you think he said?
- Usain Bolt?
- [SCOFFS] A stepfather.
- Did he? What, at at nine years old?
Today, we are unboxing
the Coleman Meadowood
- Yep.
- Air premier. Could you give us a hand?
- Oh. Ooh, that is heavy.
- Air premier tent.
Now, we will be erecting this guy
later and also reviewing the Sunshine
Up a little bit, babes.
Uh, Sunshine 20-liter
portable camping toilet.
And spoiler alert
[SINGSONGY] it is a beauty.
[SINGSONGY] I cannot wait.
We hit the jackpot,
didn't we? Fella-wise.
- Hmm.
- [VEGGIE] We're set to fire up, yeah?
- We're so alike, me and you. [CHUCKLES]
Are we? [CHUCKLES]
The way he dotes on Poppy.
Like he's her real father.
Yeah, Poppy really loves him.
I mean, he is really, isn't he?
Isn't he?
Yeah. Yeah.
So lovely, you and Mark
inviting us along like this.
Hmm. Yeah. 'Course.
When Mark was a boy, we
used to go camping in France.
- Huh.
- Gorgeous little place.
- Languedoc-Roussillon. [CHUCKLES]
Poppy would love it.
You should suggest it. He'd be thrilled.
Yeah, yeah. Uh, yeah. Maybe next year.
Yeah, go on. Try and say it.
- Languedo
- Languedoc.
- Languedoc.
- No, no. Languedoc.
I'm sure he's gonna
know what I mean though,
- won't he?
- Oh, come on. [CHUCKLES]
If something's worth doing,
it's worth doing right.
- We'll do it in stages, shall we? Yeah?
- Okay. Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.
- Langue.
- Langue.
No, listen. Langue.
- Langue.
- That's it.
Now then. Ngue.
- Ngue.
- Ngue.
Listen, listen. Ngue. Ngue.
- Ngue. Ngue.
- Ngue. Yes. Good.
Now, doc. Doc.
- Doc.
- See? I knew you had it in you.
- Right, now then. Roussillon. Yeah.
- Do you know what?
I'm just gonna take this
'cause I need to go for a wee.
Oh, nice one, babes. We
need someone to use that
- so I can review it for my next video.
- No, babe.
Come on. Just need a little
bit of info. Is it comfortable?
- [LISA] No, baby, stop it. No!
- Does it fill up too quick,
- start touching your You know?
- [LISA] Disgusting. No, Veggie.
Good pumping.
Who am I?
[LISA] Oh, my God. Were
you actually asleep?
- Mmm.
I wasn't sure if you'd answer.
I thought you might still be
a little bit angry with me.
Angry about what?
Well, that I didn't, you know,
tell you about the Chloe thing.
Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.
I am I am sorry though.
Yeah, I know. I know you are.
What time is it?
Uh, it's just gone 9:00.
- At night?
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's good. That means he's gone.
- Who's gone?
Builder. Landlord's finally
having the bathroom retiled.
So, I've had some guy around here called
Rick, Ralph, Ron something like that.
He turned up at 7:00 this
morning. It was horrible.
You know I can't
communicate with actual men,
especially ones that
know how to use tools.
Watch the match last night?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, I wouldn't
Yeah, I wouldn't miss it.
Yeah. Arsenal played great, didn't they?
[EXHALES SHARPLY] Oh, yeah. Yeah.
They're a lovely bunch of boys.
I felt bad for Salah.
- I know, right?
- I mean, you know, it was never offside.
Offside? No.
Yeah, he didn't touch the sides.
Didn't get anywhere near them.
- You didn't watch the match, did you?
- No, I didn't. I'm sorry.
Contact sport, it scares me, so
I just
[DANNY] So, I did the
only logical thing.
I downed a bottle of cough syrup
and knocked myself out
until he'd gone home.
[LISA] Well, that's a bit of
a waste of a day, isn't it?
Mmm, that's fair. Talking about a
waste of a day, how's camping going?
I am having a great time.
How was that? Any way believable?
- Not remotely, no.
If you don't like camping,
why'd you agree to go?
'Cause Veggie's into it.
I just thought it would
be nice, the three of us.
Then Veggie invited his mum and dad.
What's, um What's
Veggie's mum and dad like?
Uh, stepdad's nice. Interesting.
Yeah? And And mum?
Christine is lovely.
She is full of positivity.
She's just actually a
really, really nice person,
- and I bloody hate her guts.
[GROANS] Does that make me a bad person?
Look, I've told you before,
you're pure scum. People know this.
- What was that?
- What was what?
[WHISPERING] Sounds like feet.
- Oh, my God. It's like in that film.
- That doesn't narrow it down.
[NORMAL] Hello? Hello?
Is somebody there?
- What is it?
- Dunno, I can't see anything.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
Oh, my God, there's a big bunch of cows.
[STAMMERS] Do cows attack?
No, of course not.
Actually, I don't know. Hang
on, bear with me. Let me check.
- "Do cows attack?" Okay.
Yeah, yeah, they do attack.
And they do And they kill.
- What?
[LISA] Danny? Danny!
- I'm gonna have to call you back.
- No, no, you can't go!
No, Danny, this is actually terrify
- Hello. [GASPS]
Once upon a time I
was falling in love ♪
Now I'm only falling apart ♪
Nothing I can do A total
eclipse of the heart ♪
- Hello?
- Oh, oh. All right, mate?
Um, you still here then?
Yeah, I thought I'd
keep going, you know?
Try and get it all done in one go
if Unless, like, that's a problem.
Well, actually, I just, uh
Yeah, no, lovely tiles.
[GRUNTS] I got the same
ones in my bathroom.
Me other half picked 'em.
Always has great taste.
Anyway, I shouldn't be much longer.
Oh, good.
Would you like a cup of tea?
Yeah. Lovely, thank you.
Hi, Mr. Cow.
- [VEGGIE] Leese?
- You okay?
- [CHUCKLES] Fine.
So, who you avoiding?
[CLICKS TONGUE] No one, you
loon. I just wanted a moment.
With the cows?
Yeah, the cows just turned up.
Much like everyone else this weekend.
Oh, Leese, I'm I'm
sorry. I-I didn't even think.
It It's not a problem,
them being here, is it?
I, um, can't really ask them to leave.
No, course it's not a problem.
I love Russell. [CHUCKLES]
And Christine.
I just, um I just thought we were
gonna have some quality time together.
We still can. Um, how about I book a
table at that nice pub we passed earlier?
For tomorrow night.
Just the three of us.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, course.
Mum and Dad won't mind
sitting at another table.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Sounds like a plan.
Great. Should we head back?
Yeah, let's head back. Yeah. [GRUNTS]
- [VEGGIE] You know, I have to say
- Mm-hmm?
seeing you in this anorak,
carrying a portable toilet
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, shut up. Shut up.
- you have never looked sexier.
- Ow, fuck!
- Ooh!
- Oh, dear. You hurt your leg?
Yeah, ankle. Sprained it. [GRUNTS]
- Sprained? That ankle there?
- [LISA] Yeah. [SIGHS]
- No, you haven't.
- What?
Trust a trained physiotherapist.
Pulled? Could be. Bruised? Maybe.
Sprained? No. You'd know if
you'd sprained your ankle.
Well, I know. I've
I've sprained my ankle.
No, you'd know.
Yeah. And I know I've sprained it.
No, I mean, you'd know.
- And I know I have. [CHUCKLES]
- Okay.
- But you'd know.
- How about we turn in?
- Yep?
- Yeah. Okay.
Night, Mum.
Um, those cows could've killed me.
[WHISPERING] He's still here.
What? Who's still there?
Rick. Or Ralph. Or whatever
his name is. The builder.
- He's still there?
- Yeah, it's weird, isn't it?
Danny, that is so weird.
What do I do? I can't drink
another bottle of cough syrup.
- I've run out.
- Well, what was that?
- Oh, I don't know. I'll call you back.
I'm sorry. It just, uh,
slipped out of me hand.
Well, it's-it's fine. It's just a tile.
No, it's not just a
tile. It's more than that!
I'm sorry. I don't know
where that came from.
Uh, yeah, so I've done
most of the grouting now.
And, um, it-it's just drying, so
Um, no, I-I said I
wouldn't do this. [SNIFFLES]
I'm not gonna do this.
Yeah. Please-Please don't do this.
Don't-Don't-Don't cry, builder.
I'm sorry. It's just, um,
me and my husband, Chris,
we've had a terrible row.
He wants me to fit into his little mold.
But I won't do it. I won't do it, Danny.
- Yeah, don't.
So I like the football. Does
that make me unsophisticated?
- No. No, exactly.
- No. No.
I mean, I like the opera
as much as the next man.
All I said was the
tickets were a bit pricey.
Does that make me a Philistine?
- No, it doesn't!
- No. No, it doesn't.
And if you're gonna get
a set of patio chairs,
why do they have to be wicker?
Plastic's not gonna rot, is it?
- No, it's not.
- No, it's not.
He called me a cultural caveman.
Can you believe that? [CRIES]
I can't believe anything that's
happening right now, to be honest.
Well, I'm not going home to him tonight.
Not after the cruel
things he said to me.
He's staying the night?
Yeah, well, I couldn't let
him kip in the van, could I?
- Well, where is he now?
- Oh, he's having a little nap.
I think all the tiling and the
the crying have taken it out of him.
- I'll call you back.
- [SIGHS] Okay.
Can't sleep?
- Aw, me neither.
- Yeah. Just came out for some fresh air.
How's the ankle?
Oh, uh, still sprained.
[LAUGHING] Oh, okay.
Ooh. Room for a small one?
- Just gonna go and drain the weasel.
Isn't love amazing?
Do you know, I haven't spent one day
away from that man since the day we met.
He even held my hand
throughout my hysterectomy.
As soon as I'd joined
the same firm as him,
- I thought, "Yes, please." [CHUCKLES]
Went home, wrote on a piece of
paper, "I will marry Russell."
Stuck it on the wall.
See, when you put what you
want out into the universe,
the universe answers.
- That's a lovely way to think.
- Hmm.
And you'd think after all these years
of marriage, the S-E-X would suffer.
- Oh, God. [CHUCKLES]
- No.
- No, it's liberating.
- Oh.
- When you trust someone
- Mmm.
you can experiment.
You can go full taboo.
- Where's Russell got to?
- Party going on without me?
- [EXCLAIMS] Please join. Hiya. [CHUCKLES]
Russell's weasel has been drained.
[CHRISTINE] Aw, look at all
of us burning the midnight oil.
- Hmm.
- You know what we should do?
- We should play
- Oh, no.
[VEDGES] Veggie-Veggie-Bing-Bong!
- Yes!
- [LAUGHS] Yeah?
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- [RUSSELL] Yes! Come on!
[DANNY] What's a
It's the family game they invented.
- And what are the rules?
- [SIGHS] I don't know.
They've explained them to
me, like, a million times,
and they just do not make sense.
Explain them to me.
Okay. [SIGHS] Here's
what I can work out.
- [CHRISTINE] Eat the ham!
[LISA] There's ham involved.
That's all you've got? Ham?
Yeah. They throw ham. I
don't know why. They just do.
Well, there must be a reason.
- [VISITOR] Rich?
[LISA] Who's that?
[CHRIS] Rich, it's
Chris. I just wanna talk.
- [WHISPERING] Oi, wait, what's going on?
- [CHRIS] Rich, please.
- Rich, who?
- Good one.
Rich, I know you're in there.
Um, how'd you know he's in here?
Yeah, how'd you know I'm in here?
[CHRIS] I pinged the GPS on your
phone, and your van's parked outside.
Also, you just spoke.
This is ridiculous. Just let me in.
- [WHISPERING] What do I do?
- Um
- What does he do?
- He talks to him.
He's in pain. Can't you hear?
This pain. You need to get
[NORMAL] You guys
need to talk and stuff.
[STAMMERS] Just give me a moment!
I'm gonna put some clothes on.
[SIGHS] Danny, I've gotta go.
They're setting up this bloody game.
Oh, yeah. Leave me in the middle of some
kind of Love Island therapy session.
- Hi.
- Hi.
[DANNY] Uh, Danny.
[CHRIS] Right, so you're
hiding from me now?
Perhaps you guys wanna
be left in private? Yeah.
[CHRIS] I don't want to hear it.
[WHISPERING] Veg. Veg. Veg.
You have to help me win this game.
We can form an alliance.
We-we-we can help each other.
[NORMAL] Lisa, that's cheating.
You know I can't do that.
It goes against every clause
- of the Vedge Family code.
- [GROANING] Veggie.
At least don't throw the
ham so hard this time.
- I'll try.
Listen to this.
- The Marriage of Figaro, I went to.
- Yes.
- The Magic Flute.
- Yes.
[RICH] Did I enjoy them? No.
[DANNY] Every time I think they're
winding down, they end up getting louder.
- Anyway, h-how's your game going?
- [GROANS] It hasn't started yet.
[SIGHS] Danny, I hate
this game. I always lose.
Maybe you can help me.
- Wait-Wait. How?
- Yeah, that's it.
You're gonna help me win it.
I don't know if I can, Leese. I got
a couple of fellas in love in here.
Please, please, Danny.
Christine always beats me. I
just have to beat her, just once.
Please help me.
Okay, fine. But after this, I'm
through with helping people, okay?
Okay. Stay on the line.
Stay on the line. Okay.
[LISA] You all right?
Need a hand setting up?
[CHRISTINE] Okay. T. rex arms in.
Raptor eggs greased.
Dino mountain constructed.
All right, come on, Vedges.
Let's go! Whoo! Here we go!
Hey, lift lift me up a bit.
[CHRISTINE] Whoo-hoo!
- Is that better?
- [DANNY] Yeah, that's great.
- [RUSSELL] Ready? Steady?
- Go. Dinosaur Dump Trucks! [GRUNTS]
[CHRISTINE] Go, go, go.
- Go on, you can do it.
- [CHRISTINE] Whoo! Yeah!
- [VEGGIE, RUSSELL] Veggie-Veggie!
[CHRISTINE] Bing-bong!
God, it's like the SEAL footage
of them capturing Osama Bin Laden.
[CHRISTINE] Here she comes!
Only, you know, a lot more different.
What kind of melon is that?
- Honeydew. Ow.
- What's it covered in?
[GRUNTS] I don't know.
It's salad cream, I think.
- You can do it!
- [LISA] Oh.
They must've brought that on the
chance they'd play Dinosaur Dump Trucks.
- [CHRISTINE] Yeah! Bing-bong!
- [VEGGIE] Yes, yes, yes. Go, go, go.
Yes. You got it.
That's a shame, innit?
[PARENTS] Eat the ham. Eat the ham.
- [RUSSELL] Yeah. Eat the ham. Eat the ham.
Oh, and she did so well
on her bruised ankle.
It's sprained.
[CHRISTINE] Right, quiz time. Whoo!
I gotta say, this game is pretty good.
[RUSSELL] Right, so,
who directed Avatar?
Oh, I know this one. I know this
one. Uh Uh, James Cameron.
- No, it was the Berlin Wall.
- [LISA] What?
- [BOTH] Wrong answer! [LAUGHING]
- Sorry.
Well, from what I can see, Russell
has his thumb on his eyebrow
and two fingers in his pocket.
That means it's the
"three questions ago" rule.
Three questions ago, the
answer was the Berlin Wall.
[PARENTS] Eat the ham! [LAUGHING]
[SIGHS] I'm gonna eat
the whole pig tonight.
Look, I know Christine is in
the lead, but I don't know how.
Because she was the
Bobbywallet the last round.
Rounds? Wha The
- There are rounds?
- Yeah, there's 17 rounds.
It's a bloody good game.
What do you mean, 17? How do you know?
Are you okay? Oh. Hiya, Danny.
- Hey, Veg.
I'll see you later.
I can ask them to stop
throwing ham, if you like.
- I could say you've gone vegetarian.
- What, in the last five minutes?
Mmm. Fair point.
I could always take your ham for
you. Yeah? Let me be your ham proxy.
- My ham proxy?
- Yeah, yeah. I don't mind.
Extra protein, innit?
- Aw, thanks, Veg. Mmm.
- Aw.
- [LAUGHING] No, don't. No, don't tickle.
- Veggie! Ah!
- All right then, Vedges, halftime is up.
Game on!
[BOTH] I appreciate you and
who you are in this moment
and all our moments moving forwards.
- Come here.
- Stop it.
- [RICH] Whoo-hoo.
- Ah, there he is. Our little savior.
- Yeah.
No. So I'm just
I'm glad you guys made up.
- Mmm, yeah. I can't even remember
- Yeah.
- what we were fighting about.
I'm gonna get him a season ticket, so
he can come to the football with me.
- Ain't I?
- Yeah. TBD.
- Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Yeah. TBD.
- TBD.
Um, we were gonna have
a little drink, you know?
- It's been a hell of a day.
- Oh, my God.
Oh. Okay, great.
Do you have any amaretto?
Now, Lisa, tell me, who ate
the pear in the witch's garden?
- Ugh, I don't know.
- [DANNY] No, you do.
- It's obviously Christine.
- I thought it was Veggie.
No, he was the Onion Baby.
- Oh, my Gods, why am I lying?
Yeah. It's Christine. Say Christine.
- Correct! [LAUGHING]
- Correct!
- Oh, wow! Nice one.
[RUSSELL] Right, right.
Christine and Lisa are
tied in first place.
So we have a tiebreaker.
- Here we go.
- [DANNY] Mm-hmm.
To win, who won the Second World War?
- Kings of Leon!
- Did they?
Well, I don't know, but they did
release some bloody good albums.
- That's true.
- Wait, wait, wait look. Look at Russell.
It's the "three question ago"
answer rule. [GASPS] She's won.
- [PARENTS] Correct!
- Yay!
- You did it. You're brilliant.
- [CHRISTINE] She did it.
- And you didn't need any help.
Oh, thanks, Veggie.
- So good! Yes!
- [CHRIS] Oh, my God. Well done!
- [RICH] Yeah. Well done, you.
- [CHRIS] Good for you! Yeah!
[BOTH CHANTING] Who's the lord in
the bin? Who's the lord in the bin?
All right, this bit makes no
sense. I thought the game was over.
- Closing ceremony.
- Of course it is.
We're leaving.
I don't think you get how big
a deal this is for me, Danny.
This is gonna go on my CV.
You do remember you cheated?
Yeah, but not for the last question.
I suppose not. Well done on spotting
the "three questions ago" rule.
- That's good.
- See? I do listen to you sometimes.
I won! [LAUGHS]
- [SINGSONGY] I won. I won. I won. I won.
- [SINGSONGY] You won. You won.
- Look, I should probably let you go.
- Okay. Night night.
Night, champ.
- What a win. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh. [CHUCKLES] Thanks.
- Aw.
I hope you're gonna pass
the game down to Poppy.
- And yours and Marky's kids,
- when the time comes.
- Hmm.
Which looks like it's gonna
be sooner rather than later.
I mean, any day now.
Any day now, what?
Till it happens.
Till what happens?
[WHISPERING] Till someone proposes.
What are my two favorite
girls talking about then?
Oh, nothing.
Right, then. I'll see
you both in the morning.
- Okay.
- Night.
I think I'm gonna turn in. You?
Yeah, yeah. I'll be there in a sec.
Great. Great. Uh, okay.
Oh, good. Your ankle's better.
Yeah. Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Previous EpisodeNext Episode