Stuck in the Middle (2016) s02e14 Episode Script

Stuck in a New Room

1 (FOOTSTEPS CREAKING OVERHEAD) Hm.
That's the attic.
No one's supposed to be up there.
I know how to find out who it is.
I just have to break out my trusty Listen Up.
I invented it to eavesdrop on my brothers and sisters.
Then I realized I'm not that interested in what they have to say when they're talking to me, let alone through a wall.
What was that? (SIGHS) I'll pretend it's not rats - if you pretend it's not rats.
- Deal.
Got a lot of room up here.
Yeah, we should clear it out and make it a bedroom for one of the kids.
Cleaning this out is gonna be a big job.
- Let's start tomorrow.
- So glad you said it first.
Someone's getting their own room.
Gotta keep this top secret.
If the other kids find out, there'll be an all-out war for who gets it.
And General Harley hasn't come up with her battle plan yet.
- Who are you spying on? - I'm not spying.
Please.
When you lie, you squint your eyebrows.
Also, you're holding a spying tool thingy.
It's called the Listen Up.
Fine.
Don't freak out.
But Mom and Dad are building a new bedroom in the attic.
What?! Keep this between us.
If anyone hears, they'll be all over it.
Right.
Secret's safe with me.
Mom and Dad are building a new room in the attic.
Mom and Dad are building a new room in the attic.
Okay, it's locked down.
Mom and Dad are building a new room in the attic! Okay, I had another one in me.
Now it's locked down.
Harley! Did you hear? Mom and Dad are plotting our doom.
How did they know Mom and Dad are building a room in the attic? Yeah, that's the Diaz telephone translation.
No, knucklehead.
Mom and Dad are building a new room.
Oh, this is about a new room, not doom.
I thought this was about a broom.
- ETHAN: So what is it, Harley? - Yeah.
Who wants toilet paper? Two-ply.
Ooh, so soft.
I'll take a couple sheets.
And an explanation about this attic thing.
ALL: Mm-hmm.
Hey, hey, hey, hey Sometimes it feels like things are outta control Like you're living in a circus Tryin' to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kinda perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the games begin, let's jump right in I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you Okay, fine.
I overheard Mom and Dad.
They're turning the attic into an extra bedroom.
(ALL CHEERING) Having my own room would be so sweet.
I could make a soundproof recording studio.
I like the soundproof part, but I have a much better idea for my room.
You've heard of a walk-in closet.
Live-in closet.
I'd go a completely different way.
Indoor basketball court.
With those low ceilings, I'll be dunking in no time.
Beast and I would be doing the obvious best thing wall-to-all waterbed! Or fruit punch beds; we're still deciding.
Count me out.
I already own a house.
Not looking to downsize to an attic.
GEORGIE: It should be my room.
(ALL ARGUING) Guys.
Guys! We all have big ideas.
But we have to let Mom and Dad come to a decision on their own and not bug them.
Otherwise, it'll be the dirt bike all over again.
(ALL GASP) We fought over it so much, on the way home from the store, Dad turned around to bring it back.
I remember that.
He got store credit, and then bought mulch.
And seven rakes.
That Saturday took an ugly turn.
Which is why we have to play it cool.
There's no way these jokers will play it cool.
They'll drive Mom and Dad crazy, and take themselves out of the running.
Then I'll sweep in and get the attic for what I want.
HARLEY: Welcome to MOCHI the museum of cool Harley inventions.
On your left is the Pick Me Up, invented at the young age of 13.
This is a classic example of Harley's helpful family products period.
Harley's right.
We need to stay out of it.
Exactly.
Let Mom and Dad decide on their own.
I don't mean to bug you, but I know about the room in the attic.
I think we can all agree, I deserve it.
I deserve it.
I deserve it.
We deserve it.
- I deserve it.
- I deserve it.
We deserve it.
- I - I - We - deserve it.
ALL: Deserve it.
Yep, they're ruined their chances by annoying Mom and Dad.
Now it's time for, "She's so patient, she deserves her own room Harley" to make her move.
Ooh, you've had quite a day with those other pesky kids.
Hot cocoa? Okay, that's it.
Family meeting! I don't understand how word about the attic even got out.
You know, there are many mysteries in this family that we may never understand.
BEAST AND LEWIE: It was Harley.
And since we were the ones who reported her, we should get the room.
Being a tattletale isn't gonna get you anywhere.
Then we got nothing.
RACHEL: Come on, make a decision.
Parent up.
This is exactly why Daphne was called Baby Seven for the first month.
Hey, the person before me is called Beast.
I'm glad they took the time.
We can't pick.
We'll be accused of playing favorites.
"Georgie's sandwich has more cheese.
" "Rachel's pillow has more fluff.
" "Ethan always gets the good fork.
" Why does Ethan always get the good fork? You know, let's just forget this whole idea.
ALL: What?! Oh, no, they don't.
An extra bedroom in this house is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
I am not getting dirt biked out of my freedom.
If you've been paying attention, what I just said makes sense.
Hey, what if us kids figure out who gets the new room? You got an idea where everybody get out of this alive? Uh, that makes things more difficult, but sure.
- And we'll clean out the attic for you.
- ALL: Yeah! Even though cleaning usually means putting stuff in the attic, we'll figure it out.
Okay.
But only because we want you to learn how to solve your own problems.
And it's way less work for you.
- And that.
- (LAUGHTER) I've developed an equation to help us decide who gets the room.
You take the number of helpful inventions each kid has made, multiply that by the grade-point average, and add number of roller coasters built for the family.
Now take your answer and multiply that by zero, because that's your chance of getting the room.
This is not the time for in-fighting.
Or math.
Going from triple occupancy to a single what better time is there for in-fighting? Georgie has a point.
If we have any chance of that room, we need to work as a team.
Great.
I have lots of experience working on teams.
Will this team have a bench? That's where I thrive.
We've been thinking about this all wrong.
It shouldn't be kid versus kid.
It should be boys versus girls.
Winner gets control of the attic forever.
I don't know.
Boys versus girls? First, Rachel gets the room.
Love it! Go, girls! Then when you go to college, Georgie moves up there, and I stay here.
Everyone gets their own room.
It's a win-win.
Win! And that's more wins than I've ever been associated with.
All right, girls team, all in.
We've gotta stay strong, because you know the boys are out there working like crazy to come up with their own plan.
Hey, what if we teamed up against the girls? I move out, you guys get to stay here.
Cool.
That works.
Oh, I was just coming to see you.
And I you.
The boys have a proposal.
I assume you're authorized to negotiate on their behalf.
I want to be team captain.
I second it.
Two votes to one.
- Lewie it is.
- I need a twin.
I am.
The boys would like to team up and challenge the girls for control of the attic.
The girls agree.
We suggest a test of intelligence.
We decline.
We suggest that we should all go into the closet and fart.
Last one to leave wins.
We decline.
Dad says we have to come out of this alive.
How about a series of backyard competitions? - Winner takes all.
- Agreed.
(DAPHNE THUMPING) Does nobody have a bedtime around here? Keep walking! Let the battle for the new room begin.
All right, the attic's cleared out.
Now it's time to figure out which team wins it.
What sport should we play? Not hockey.
Not soccer.
Not badminton.
I'm starting to see why Mom and Dad don't want us to have a pet.
The only things here that aren't broken are my inventions.
Probably because they're made out of stuff that already broke.
Okay, I know I'm not usually the idea person, more the foot soldier type, or to be honest, more the type to fill water bottles and hand them to the foot soldiers.
Just get to it! Is there a way to use Harley's inventions for the competition? - Come on.
- Good idea.
- That can work.
- Right? They could.
I might be able to figure something out.
Welcome to the Diaz Decathlon! Excuse me, Harley, a decathlon has ten events.
I only see three.
We're all super tired from emptying the attic.
And the Diaz Three-cathlon just sounds weird.
Contestants from each team will be chosen at random from the Honolu-loot.
Each of the three events is worth one point.
No ties, winner takes all.
And by all, I mean control of the attic from now until we all move out.
Which, let's be honest, is probably never.
Uh, why is Daphne the referee? She's about breaking the rules, not making them.
I got no pony in this race.
And I have the whistle.
(SHRILL BLAST) Team captains, come out and shake hands.
What are you doing? Psyching you out.
Is it working? Not really.
That eye booger is killing your cred.
Psych.
Our first event is Extreme tangerine! Daphne, give us the names of our lucky contestants.
Don't tell me what to do.
You've got a long way to go.
Don't fight me every step.
Playing for the girls, Rachel and Harley.
And for the boys, Ethan and Lewie.
Okay, in this game, Rachel and Ethan will use my Magna-Wow electro magnet to launch tangerines with washers in them to me and Lewie.
We'll battle to catch them in our baskets.
Oh, by the way, did I mention the baskets are on your head? If this was a contest for who looked the dumbest, I couldn't call it.
BEAST: Come on, Lewie! Go, Harley! Yeah! A lot of families would do rock, paper, scissors to make a decision.
Not our kids.
They're using fruit, not doughnuts.
I consider that a parenting win.
Let's go.
- Yes! Go, Harley! - Boo! - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!! DAPHNE: That's one point for the boys.
In our next event, playing for the girls, Georgie.
For the boys, Beast.
- Yes! - You got it.
- I can do this.
All right, Georgie, the boys won the first event.
We have to win this next one, or we're out.
Don't worry.
I'm an athlete, so I thrive under pressure.
Is my eye twitching? I feel like it's twitching.
No, your eye is not twitching.
You'll do great.
See, there you go.
Sister power.
No, I'm afraid my knee's going to buckle.
Oh, there it goes.
There it goes.
Everyone, it's time for Take Out.
Take Out? I already filled up on tangerines.
No, that's the name of the event.
Players will make their way through a training course, taking out hidden targets Using my 12-roll big-family toilet paper dispenser, or, soon-to-be-patented Strawberry Cannon.
Players, choose your weapons.
Hmm? Hmm? They call me Beast.
Got the fastest strawberries in the west.
Too bad we're in the east.
Guys, I don't think I can do this.
I'm not that great at shooting things.
Yeah, we've all seen you play basketball.
Focus.
If you lose this, you'll be stuck rooming with Rachel forever.
Talking on the phone at night when you're trying to sleep.
Messing with your bobbleheads.
Taking up all the closet space.
Do you really wanna live like that? - No.
- I can't hear you! - No!! - Good.
Now go out there, think about Rachel and the room, and unleash it on the battlefield.
- Come on, Georgie.
You can do it.
- You got this.
- All right? All right? - Come on.
- Okay, Georgie.
- Go, go, go! Come on, Georgie! Shut down that phone, sister.
- Yes! - Yeah! Come on, Georgie! Get off my soccer bobble.
It's jammed.
Those are my hangers! Come on, come on! I don't know; it's jammed.
Lunch is Lunch is disgusting unless you like egg salad strawberry sandwiches.
Enjoy.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) Challenge goes to Georgie.
Yes! DAPHNE: Point to the girls.
That was incredible, Georgie.
All we have to do is win the last challenge.
- How tough is it? - Not tough at all.
Are you okay with breaking a non-essential body part? What?! The final event is a race between the Slushy Bike and the Grocer-Whee.
The Attic Rally 500! You're goin' down.
No, we're going up.
To the attic.
Oh! As decided by coin toss, the boys get to choose their vehicle.
We choose the Slushy Bike.
We are so going to win this.
They chose a bike over the thing with the motor.
This is not that simple.
The Grocer-Whee is faster, but it's harder to control.
Take it from the girl who built them both, and only crashed one into a mailbox.
I don't know why you get to drive.
Do you think when Henry Ford invented the car, his older brother made him ride in the basket? You guys ready? Over-handshaking.
You are begging for disqualification.
First one around the track and back, wins.
Diazes, start your engines.
Or pedals.
Grocer-Whee gonna win! Oh, my eyes.
They're shooting lemonade at us.
- That's cheating.
- What are you doing? Turning off the speed restrictor Mom and Dad made me put on this thing.
Hit it! Yes! We're gonna hit something.
I can't turn.
Yeah, we're gonna win! I can't see! I can't see! - I may have celebrated too early.
- Yeah.
What is this? Why do we have garbage bags of water? Those are our waterbeds.
We've been collecting water from our showers and our baths.
So I have your shower run-off up my nose?! No! Those bags were toothpaste rinse, and leftover pasta water.
You can see why I was fighting for that attic, right? So what happens now? Who gets the room? You guys should take it.
We cheated.
Glad that's settled.
Live-in closet it is.
- Hang on.
We cheated, too.
- Huh? I took the speed control off.
And I cheated, too.
I stole some things from your rooms when you were setting up the courses.
I guess we decided one thing.
None of us deserve the room.
Guys, we appreciate the creativity, but for future reference, flipping a coin, one potato, two potato, all easier ways to make a decision.
So what's the verdict? I mean, besides the fact you all need showers.
Who gets the room? We decided none of us should get the room.
We all should.
That's gonna be a little cramped.
For a bedroom, maybe.
But we had so much fun competing against each other, we realized we wanted a place where we could do that all the time.
A family game room.
A game room.
Great idea.
And bonus points for all still being alive.
And the first activity to break it in ice cream party! HARLEY: With a family like mine, it'll be a while before any of us has their own room.
But when you get right down to it, with a family like mine, maybe that's not so bad.
Okay, guys, on three.
To our family game room.
One, two, three!