Stuck in the Middle (2016) s03e14 Episode Script

1 I'm the last one down to breakfast, and that normally means I'm left with all bran and no bacon.
Well, not today, because today is Saturday, and that means pancake breakfast, a.
k.
a.
, the one meal my family always gets right.
You remember our pancake assembly line.
And now that Rachel's out of the house, I think I might be able to snag a pancake for you.
Sometimes it takes the death of an innocent pancake to realize just how off the rails your family's gone.
I've got to invent a way to get us back on track.
Something simple, like I do.
Good morrow, family.
Well, I think this is the moment Harley finally cracked.
She had a good run.
I haven't cracked.
I've created your worst nightmare.
An escape room.
It's based on the one place we all want to escape from.
[gasps.]
Pilgrimland.
Our worst vacation ever.
We begged Mom and Dad not to go.
[all groan.]
Pilgrimland, how I hate thee.
[Ethan.]
As fun as this sounds, and for the record, it doesn't, I'm going to be late for my date with Chloe.
Yeah, and I have dance practice.
And we are this close to convincing Adam Ruben to let us play on his trampoline.
He says there's no way we can jump into his neighbor's pool from there, but I say dream big.
[Daphne.]
Look, Harley, I'd stay, but Deathne has somewhere else to be trapped tonight.
Guys, lately we've been a train wreck, even by Diaz standards.
Don't tell me you haven't noticed.
This is about the fabric of our family.
How we work together and have fun.
Come on, we always have a blast when we're together.
Jumping rope with the Robo Roper.
[laughs.]
Solving crimes with PB&J.
This mystery is spread pretty thick.
And only Marco PB and Frank J can get to the bottom of it.
Officer Sascha Klump, ready to blow this case wide open.
Acting like rock stars.
Hold on to your hats.
Because we are smashing guitars.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - Whoo-hoo! - [blows whistle.]
Competing for the new room.
Most families draw straws.
Not us.
Yeah! I guess I could be late to dance practice.
I don't even have to give an excuse anymore.
I just say "my family," and they know.
Yeah, and my date with Chloe isn't until later tonight.
I was just trying to get out of this.
Let's do this.
Glad they're onboard, because it took me a long time to set this up.
So they were playing either way.
But, yay! Hey, hey, hey, hey Sometimes it feels like things are out of control Like you're living in a circus Trying to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kind of perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the game begin, let's jump right in I want to get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I want to get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado Rowing in the same boat I want to get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I want to get stuck with you I'm already getting the heebie-jeebies hanging out in Pilgrimland.
How do we get out? You just have to get the key to that lock, which is in here.
It's locked in the Lock Squawk? This thing's caused enough destruction.
Like when we rented the house.
Flounder.
[Lock Squawk.]
Password invalid.
[large dog barks.]
Uh, Ethan, did you forget something inside? I know another one.
Monkey.
[Lock Squawk.]
Password invalid.
And before you try, I've already changed the password.
The only way to open the box is by solving Diaz-themed clues.
Each time you solve a clue, one of these lights up.
[bell dings.]
Once you've solved the last clue [bell dinging.]
you'll have the password and you can escape.
When does the game start? It already has.
The clues are all around you.
You just have to find them.
What looks out of place? Huh.
I don't think they had ye olde tablets in Pilgrimland.
"Remember when our brothers entertained with this tune? Play it to get closer to escaping the room.
" Okay, so we need to remember a song? The game master does not give answers, only guidance.
Music is my thing.
So, question is, which one of my hits is it? My rap? where I'm from I'm riding Till I'm done Coming at you from L.
A.
Where the My backyard rock? I clipped it off Last Thursday Where did that toenail go? Found it on the carpet It belonged to my big toe Wait, the clue said, "remember when our brothers entertained.
" As in two.
Also "entertained.
" As in not Ethan.
[Beast.]
We killed it on the plane.
[armpit making farting sounds.]
Feel free to sing along.
Jingle Bells! Arm farts! Arm fart Jingle Bells! [armpit making farting sounds.]
Okay, that is so not the tune.
Listen.
[plays opening notes of "Jingle Bells".]
Hey, a clue.
[Lock Squawk.]
That's clue number one.
"These glasses won't fix your vision, but your sister's face will help your next decision.
" Spectator specs.
Thanks to the magic of digital overlap, you won't have to dance in front of a bunch of strangers.
[Georgie.]
Wow.
Everyone looks like a brilliant inventor who gets too involved in her sister's life.
[Beast.]
All I see are Harleys.
Maybe one of them can tell us how to get out of here.
Oh! [Daphne.]
I think I found our next clue.
[Harley.]
That's clue number two.
[bell dings.]
"This Diaz makes the best impression.
" Before you get mad, hear us out.
I get that you're Lewie, but why are you green? How else are we going to sneak up on frogs? It's totally Harley.
- That was a hard one.
- [bell dings.]
- Wow.
- [bell dings.]
- Killing it.
- [bell dings.]
- Nice job.
- [bell dings.]
"The name of the treat Mom wishes she didn't eat.
" [grunting.]
It's so good.
Or - Yeah! - Yeah! You ruined my shirt! Which doesn't bother me at all.
I love pie.
Yum.
Mm.
Yeah, that's shaving cream.
- That's the one.
- [bell dings.]
Oh, I got something.
Okay.
"If you want the door to unlock, just say my name into the Lock Squawk.
" That's Harley's invention she used during the Iron Elf competition.
The name's probably some cutesy pun.
She does love puns.
I wouldn't say "loves.
" The H2-Whoa.
Zip-a-Dee Laundry.
We get the doodah out.
The Grocer-Whee.
As in yell "whee," not pee your pants.
Wow, that was an eye-opener.
See, this game is good for us all.
Slippy-dippy-something-quippy.
[Lock Squawk.]
Password invalid.
So I may have saved the hardest for last.
But it's a good one.
And an important one in Diaz history.
It basically saved Christmas.
Ironically, the only thing that didn't slip out of Dad's hands was this.
The spare I put on the Pant Pouch to keep thieves from grabbing it.
Yeah, my Whoospie-Daisy Slippery Spraysie.
We could be here all night.
Just tell us the name of the thing.
Come on, people.
Someone must have a Diaz Card to get us out of Harley's dungeon.
We get them all the time.
When did I give you a Diaz Card? I just played a Diaz Card.
It might be made out of thin air, but in this family, that's as good as written in stone.
It guarantees the holder one favor, with no right of refusal.
Ooh, I got one this afternoon.
Don't ask questions and I'll give you a Diaz Card.
Deal.
Fine.
"Whoopsie-Daisy Slippery-Spraysie.
" [Lock Squawk.]
Congratulations.
You have worked together to escape Pilgrimland.
You are a family again.
[all cheer.]
[bell dinging.]
[indistinct chattering.]
I should have known.
A lot of my big ideas end in disaster.
Stop! [metal and wood creaking.]
Here I come.
- [boy.]
Harley! - [all gasp.]
Forgot to calculate I weigh more than a watermelon.
At least I'm not covered in anything.
I'm calling this one a draw.
Come on, Harley.
This is overkill, even for you.
I didn't do this.
[electronic voice.]
This is our game now.
[all grunting.]
[electronic voice.]
Pushing will get you nowhere.
You better let us out.
My dad is a ninja.
[Tom over radio.]
This is your dad.
I'm not a ninja.
Although I have been hitting the bench press lately.
- Thank you for noticing.
- Dad, we already failed at one escape room today.
That's because the first was missing one key player.
You guys looked at Harley, right? You can't bond as a family without everyone working together.
So solve your way out of this escape room, then come find us.
We're hiding somewhere in the house.
Just make sure you get to us before time runs out.
And if you don't, we're going to the real Pilgrimland, which Dad and I love.
And if you all hate it, well, you can bond over that.
Guys, look.
[beeping.]
I was going to sit back and let you guys suffer, but I spent a day and a half setting up attic Pilgrimland.
There's no way I'm going to the real one.
[Georgie.]
You heard her, people.
Focus up.
We've got codes to crack.
Read your first clue, then find the letters that spell "Diaz.
" And soon enough, you will be free-az.
Don't improvise, Suz.
Guys, guys, a clue.
"Captaining this ship will take all your might, but when you work together you're usually right.
" Okay, so let's break this thing down.
Ships often symbolize, like Captain's wheel on the wall! Spin it to the right! I'm sorry.
I know we're working together.
I just definitely knew that one.
Somebody else want to spin it? [all gasp.]
[Lewie.]
Come on, come on.
[jingle chimes.]
- [gasps.]
- Wow.
I didn't think Mom and Dad were paying attention when I gave that lesson on circuits.
Okay, there's three rooms to search, and time is running out.
We have to split up.
How should we pair? The usual? Oh, yeah? Well, this is my slushie-pouring pose.
Oh, yeah! [laughs.]
- Ow! - It's tangled.
Hold on.
[gasps.]
Oh, no! It's ruined! [voice on speakers.]
Hey, stop it! No, get off me, Harley.
- Yeah, we better shake things up.
- Yeah.
- Uh, Beast.
Yeah.
- Yeah? - Okay, let's go.
- [all chattering.]
- Bathroom, let's go.
- Let's go, let's go.
Look at us.
Combining teaching lessons with alone time from the kids.
You know, it may have taken us 18 years, but we've finally reached peak parenting.
Yeah, a lot of trial and error.
Oh! Yeah! [Suzy.]
They're just foam pucks.
- Whoo! - [Suzy.]
No big deal.
Oh! I'm getting some calls from the neighborhood moms.
A lot of them using the words "excessive force.
" Not groovy.
Ridiculous.
[farting sound.]
- Cyclone Suzy! - Cyclone Suzy! [screams.]
[sighs.]
Mostly error.
Hey, come on.
"A big family is all about chemistry.
" We get to blow stuff up? Easy.
You're awesome at destroying stuff with science.
We don't have to blow anything up.
These are all elements on the periodic table.
I bet the reaction when you combine them So we are blowing something up? [imitates explosion.]
Ooh, this must lead us to the combination.
"If you want to advance, act like the Diaz in France.
" Rachel! Three-minute limit.
You've been in there for 20.
No, Rachel, I need you to find Harley.
She has a call.
From who? 1998? Who even uses a landline anymore? [sighs.]
Rachel, I'm busy with laundry.
Find Harley.
Hey, Ethan.
Phone's for Harley.
I can't find her.
I've looked everywhere.
Did you try her room? Let's not do this.
We both know I didn't.
Not sure why I still miss her.
Okay, let's think like Rachel.
Start with taking all the hot water.
Yeah.
Oh.
"If you want to complete your mission, you must find this family tradition.
" Oh, no, we have a lot of those.
The birthday box.
Happy first birthday, Rachel.
We love you.
Happy birthday, Georgie Porgie.
- Hey, do we have a boy crown? - [babies crying.]
[Suzy.]
Just put it on him! - I'm changing two diapers here.
- Here you go, Ethan.
Secret scarer.
Beast, hands off my guitar.
[screaming.]
- [cackling.]
- [Beast.]
Merry Scary! This would be a lot easier if you guys had a tradition of cleaning your room.
Yes, we should have straightened up on the off-chance an elaborate escape game requiring a clean room would be the one thing between us and Pilgrimland.
[Tom.]
Tick-tock.
You better look at the clock.
Time's running out, and Pilgrimland's your next stop.
What are we wasting time for? We're minutes away from bonnets and buckled shoes.
Go, go, go! Hurry, come on.
[timer beeping.]
I know this clue has something to do with chemistry.
Oxygen and hydrogen are gasses.
It says "behind books.
" How did you? I'm good at word jumbles.
Don't worry, Lewie's bad at them too.
You guys are over-thinkers.
And underestimaters.
Nice going.
Now can I blow something up? Come on.
Let's put this "I" up on the board.
I'm not sure that this is how Rachel does it, but she should.
I'm starting to get pretty good.
Okay, makeover's done.
Good luck at your sister's wedding.
What? I look terrible! I know you're only doing this because we're trying to solve a clue, but can you do it again on Deathne's birthday? I hear Blue Fairy's bringing it.
Of course.
Blue Fairy's the worst.
6896! Yeah, 6896.
Is that fairy for a word you're not allowed to say? The lock combination.
None of this looks like a family tradition.
Are we sure we read that clue right? I think we both know there's one place we haven't looked.
Oh, no.
I've heard about what's under that bed.
[sighs.]
Go.
Five, four, three, two and you made it.
I am not reaching under there.
I can only handle one "Merry Scary" a year.
I always hope Beast picks me.
He is so bad at secret scarer.
Yeah, the year he had me, before the scare he yelled, "Here I come.
" Actually, I told him to do that.
I know you don't like scares.
Really? Well, consider this repayment.
[groans.]
Ooh.
[sighs.]
[whimpers.]
[gasps.]
Whoa! A Diaz Award.
That's our family tradition.
She's wearing Daphne Diaz.
I designed it myself.
Who are you wearing tonight? Ethan Diaz.
From my finest Easter suit hand-me-down collection.
No tie.
Thought I'd keep it casual.
I thought I'd keep it more casual.
Oh, but where's the letter? [whimpers.]
- [gasps.]
Yes! - Yes! High five.
Okay.
We got it! We got it! [overlapped chatter.]
Shh, shh, shh.
[jingle chimes.]
[all cheer.]
[Tom.]
Great job, but only 15 seconds left to find us.
We got to go.
Go, go, go, go.
[all shouting.]
They might have gotten past the wall, but they'll never find us.
Good, because I hear this season Pilgrimland has goose chops.
[kids laugh.]
How'd you find our hiding spot so fast? It's the number-one hiding spot in the house.
In other words, the worst hiding spot in the house.
Well, from one game master to another, I'm a big fan of your work.
Oh, well, good job solving it.
I guess the pilgrims will have to do without the Diazes setting them back another hundred years.
[all cheer.]
Yeah, you're free to go do all those things you had planned.
This is going to be yummy.
Not quite as yummy as some goose chops, but [all chattering.]
[Harley narrating.]
Sometimes my family doesn't work together when I want them to.
But they always come through when I need them to.
[yelling.]
[all cheering.]
[all cheer.]
Diaz how we do it! And who'd want to escape from that?