Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006) s01e02 Episode Script

The Cold Open

Gail? Gail Winslow, Philadelphia Inquirer.
You're one of the highest-ranking female executives which means you'll bring a different sensibility.
Can you talk about that? Well, I've only had the job for three hours so I don't know.
I'm not sure that male or female has as much to do with it as you might think.
We're just at the beginning of our development season.
And with each of our potential new shows, I'll ask myself three questions: Do I like it? Would my parents like it? If I had kids, would I want them to watch it? If the answer to those questions is yes, I'll put it on the air.
If the answer to all three is no, then I won't.
In the back? Bill? Jordan, can you describe the reaction of NBS executives Friday night when Wes described the network as a candy-ass network and a greed-filled whorehouse of a network? Pleased and proud, as you can imagine.
Until we realized he wasn't talking about Fox, he was talking about us.
No, I can't comment on that.
I can't comment on what may have happened at NBS over the past five years.
- I will say this is a broadcast network She's doing okay.
I could've used the day is all I'm saying.
You needed that sleep.
- For 28 hours? You were on some very powerful painkillers Friday night.
I needed to write.
I lost a whole day.
You wouldn't have been able to write anyway.
I needed you rested.
I made a decision for you.
I'll be making a lot of them.
I wish you hadn't sent Jeannie with me, she spent the weekend at my house.
You needed someone to take care of you, I needed to meet with the heads.
Harriet doesn't know that I It doesn't matter.
We've got five days now.
Not even five days.
- Except for what's-their-names - Ricky and Ron.
Dick and Dick, I don't know anybody on the writing staff.
Yeah, are you listening to her? She's doing good.
- You know this thing is all over talk radio.
- What do you expect? A caller from Toluca Lake called us Barbra Streisand-loving Michael Moore-worshipping jackasses.
What have I said about listening to show tunes? - Don't do it.
- Don't do it.
I'll tell you what I believe.
I believe that people who watch television shows aren't dumber than the people who make television shows.
I believe that quality is not anathema to profit.
I know you have a lot of questions about Wes and the incident.
I'm not gonna answer them, these are internal matters.
What I will do is introduce you formally to Matt and Danny.
- They began working for Studio 60 - All right, here we go.
as, respectively, a staff writer and a segment producer and are responsible for some of the show's enduring moments of comedy.
Wait, the caller from Toluca Lake with the Barbra Streisand-loving.
Was she calling us Hollywood liberals or was she calling us gay? It's a pretty fine distinction.
Yeah, I guess so.
I really wish you hadn't sent Jeannie home with me.
Hang on.
They are brilliant, they will make us laugh.
They will make us think, they will make us talk.
- They will make us proud.
- Easy does it.
They will return Studio 60 to its former glory as the flagship program of NBS.
And NBS will return to its former place as America's greatest broadcast network.
And if you don't believe me, tune in Friday night at 11:30.
By the way, this latest career move of ours? - Pretty stupid? - Yeah.
Old friends of this network, Matthew Albie and Daniel Tripp.
Stick around, when we're done, I need to choke you to death.
You bet.
I've got the NBS closed-circuit feed up on channel 10.
- Lf anybody wants to watch the conference.
Good morning, everybody.
You probably have a lot of questions, we'd like to answer, but we're on deadline.
The other cast and crew are 200 yards away.
Jeannie with the light brown hair.
You ready for this? New executive producers, the media frenzy pressure on this week's show, or working for my ex-boyfriend? Talk to me.
Do we just let Jesus be our co-pilot? No.
My mom used to say, if Jesus is your co-pilot, you should trade seats.
- I want my body to look like yours.
- I want my talent to look like yours.
- How are they doing? - They were just introduced.
But so far, very charming.
Kathleen, and then Debbie.
What's the division of responsibilities? Matt'll do the work, I'll take the credit.
Matt'll oversee all the writing, I'll oversee production.
Everyone's in the Writers' Room.
Most humiliating day of my life.
Is he gonna oversee or do the writing, Ricky? Everyone's heard the stories of when he was co-exec.
I don't know, Den.
I'm just Matt Albie's butt-boy right now.
I spent some time talking with Jordan Friday night and then again this morning, and she's peculiar.
We're both, honestly, very excited about working with her and getting to know her.
We're also very happy to be back with her boss, Jack Rudolph.
Ohh Guys, you've got it all wrong.
I don't wanna get too personal but the first time Jack and I made love, it was incredible.
I'll tell you, they're doing great.
All three of them.
Entertainment Weekly.
This is for either one.
You'd been gearing up for a movie about Nikola Tesla.
Why abandon the movie to come back to television? We love the show, we love television.
Danny and I both feel that we grew up at Studio 60.
And that we were being given a chance to come home Ten days ago, I tested positive for cocaine and the insurance company won't bond me until I've had 18 months of clean tests.
So I won't be directing movies for a couple of years.
Well, that was nice while it lasted.
- I think Veronica was next.
- Yes.
- Did you say? - I did.
And that is the last you'll hear me speak about it.
Veronica? Jordan, did you know about this when you hired him? I can't remember, I was high at the time.
You all thought I was funnier at the beginning of the press conference.
I have nothing but confidence in the both of them.
Let's take one more question and let them get to work.
Constance Gower here from Rapture Magazine.
- I'm sorry? - Rapture Magazine.
Can you tell us about a sketch called "Crazy Christians"? - That's an internal - What? Is there such a sketch? I wrote a sketch called "Crazy Christians," but it didn't make it on the air.
Now that you've been hired can we plan on seeing "Crazy Christians" on air Friday? - It's Monday, don't know what's on Friday - Yes.
- Yes what? - Yes, it'll be on the air Friday night.
I see.
- That about takes care of that.
Shelly? Thank you very much, everyone.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, everyone.
Thank you.
Well, that turned into a kegger in a hurry.
That was not the answer we talked about.
You got a problem with my life? We went over how you were gonna frame it.
Are you seriously gonna tell me? Good morning.
I wanna know how that sketch got out No.
No one speaks until I point and say their name.
- You, Danny.
What the hell? - I told the truth.
- We talked about what you were going - I know.
I told the truth instead of having it come in drips, which is what was gonna happen.
Plus, I'm a recovering drug addict.
Honesty is a good idea for me.
I'm sure I speak for all the shareholders when I say that your sense of self-esteem is our highest priority.
Jordan, I'm not sure that following Danny's rigorous honesty with a joke about being high was the way William Paley would've handled it.
No one ever went wrong breaking the tension.
Uh, check again.
I wanna know how Rapture Magazine gets credentialed for a press con.
You think it should be the policy to exclude religious publications? We're not talking about Christian Science Monitor.
How many read Rapture? It has a circulation four times the size of vanity Fair.
- Are you kidding? - No, I'm not.
- I'm a little surprised myself.
- You shouldn't be.
The Rapture's what I think it is, right? World comes to an end, believers go up in a spaceship? Not a spaceship, it's Jesus.
- What happens to the non-believers? - Thrown into a fiery pit.
Can we just do that now? He's the only one who held it together.
If anyone can think of any ways to screw up that we haven't tried already I'll be in my office.
I wanna know how the sketch got out there.
- It got out there.
How? - How? Yeah.
There's a cast, crew and staff of 130 people in that theater 400 people saw it at dress, get the dress on a closed-circuit feed.
Thing's been around, what does it matter? It matters because comedy's less funny the second time around.
And your problem? "They will return the show to its former glory and lead NBS to its thing"and"quality is not anathema to profit.
" "If you don't believe me, tune in 11:30 Friday night.
" Did I get the time wrong? No, you raised the bar a little high, don't you think? - Did I? - You did.
I raised the bar high? Yes.
Clear it.
I'd have thought you'd be in a better mood after getting sleep.
We've gotta open it special, there's an expectation.
I need to come up with a cold open.
- And the hour and 25 minutes after that.
- Yeah.
Hey, were you trying to tell me something about Harriet before? - When? - Before.
You said something.
- It doesn't matter.
- You and Harriet, you're all set? - Yeah.
A little.
- You talked about it? - This isn't a problem? - Not a problem.
I need a cold open, that's the problem.
Good morning, gentlemen.
- George, how you been, sir? It's been a sad place since the two of you left.
- And this is a great day.
Thanks, man.
You got people waiting for you to tell them what to do.
Matt's happy to see you too.
He'd speak right now, but he's started to move into a coma.
I remember the look.
I'm gonna need an office.
Ricky and Ron have my old one.
- You're taking Wes' office.
- You're taking Wes' office.
- You're taking Wes' office.
- You're taking Wes' office.
No, I think I'm gonna redo the AD's old office.
I'm not taking Wes' office.
You need it, it's got room to pace.
You're very active when you write.
Listen to me, the man wrote for the Smothers Brothers.
He wrote with Pryor and he wrote with Cosby.
He invented Studio 60.
He gave me my first job and lost his because he tried to put on a sketch I wrote.
That's not why he lost his job.
I don't care, I'd rather sit in Lorne Michaels' office.
Well, Lorne's office is in New York, and he's still using it.
So you're gonna use this one.
This is new.
Oh, man, no wonder he went crazy.
Cast in the basement in five minutes.
- How did it know? - How did it know what? Exactly how much time was left in the week.
Yeah, it's a miracle of technology that we've invented an electronic device that can count backwards from seven.
But it was off.
It has a battery.
So it always knows.
Don't endow the thing with special powers.
It's a clock, okay? Come on.
We've gotten calls from agents representing designers wanting to know if you're changing the set.
- I am, but not this week.
- I'll send out the word.
I don't know these guys.
They're all Ricky and Ron's? Yeah, I'm gonna go in with you for a second, put them at ease.
Good morning.
Hi, we spoke for a few minutes Friday night and we'll get to know each other in time.
For now, I'll just say this isn't TV Camp.
It's not important to us that everybody gets to play.
Come with good ideas, you'll be a big part of the show.
Don't, it won't matter because he won't remember your name.
- You all right from here? - Unless you want to relax them some more.
- No, I'm fine.
- Good.
Okay, listen, there couldn't be a worse possible time not to be good at this.
Let's go around the room.
Bernadette of the "BernadetteBlog" says, "Studio 60 seldom rose to the level of Saturday Night Live at its best.
The hiring of Matthew Albie and Daniel Tripp is a sideshow.
" And that "Wes's eloquent and courageous sign-off last week should've served as the final nail in the show's coffin.
" Though she spelled coffin O-U-G-H, I think I understand what she means.
Stop reading the Internet.
Bernadette of the "BernadetteBlog " Bernadette is writing this in her pajamas.
Tommy, why do you care? She's got a freezer full of Jenny Craig, and she's surrounded by her five cats.
The New York Times is gonna quote Bernadette, so that the people can be heard.
The Times can demonstrate they're not the media elite.
I preferred when they were elite.
I'm a fan of credentials.
It's like we've all spent the last five years living a Roger Corman film called The Revenge of the Hack.
I have to care about the Internet, Sim, you know why? Because everybody else does.
- Help me out.
- Hm? Thank you.
Can he even sit in a chair for 14 hours a day? - Who? Matt.
He just had back surgery.
Can he sit in a chair? It wasn't a big deal, they just moved something around.
Yeah, I had that surgery, and it's not a big deal.
But you're not supposed to move around for about a week and a half.
You're not supposed to ride in a car, and you can't sit at a desk for 14 hours.
Fourteen hours is a short day for him.
And when you had the surgery, you didn't miss a show.
I am exceptional in many ways.
He, on the other hand, I don't think he can sit in the chair.
- It's not gonna be a problem.
- What's not gonna be a problem? Matt's back surgery.
He's doing - Get the hell outta here.
He is.
I couldn't tie my shoes.
Well, you're exceptional in many ways.
Good morning.
Excuse me.
Tell Cal I'm gonna see him.
Add the budget boys at lunch.
- Food? I meant what kind of food.
- Sure.
Anything's fine.
I got a chance to speak on the phone with each of you.
And I think I know what you're all thinking.
"They're gonna make some changes.
Bring in some new blood.
Am I staying? Am I going?" That's what you were all thinking, right? Not till just now, no.
Man, well, you should've been.
Don't give your very best, or choose this week to complain you'll make those decisions.
Mark Wahlberg is our host.
But Matt's not gonna make his first show about Mark, we all know it.
He's also gonna write for the guys he knows, some need to be patient.
I would also become one of the guys he knows.
The White Stripes is the musical guest.
Danny? Harriet and I have been working on a sketch of them not being able to remember if they're husband and wife or two friends who can play, you think they'll have humor? - I've seen them riff a bit, Harriet's good.
- Thanks, Sam.
- Can you have something to show, Matt? - Yeah.
Can he sit in a chair? Eight days after surgery, I couldn't make it from the bedroom to the kitchen without an epidural, and I'm an athlete.
- You are? - Football in college, golf every Sunday.
- Yale School of Drama had a tough team? Intramural flag football.
Anyway, he's telling people that he can do He's a liar, and I challenge him to a contest of physical supremacy.
Why don't you settle it like Athenians, over 18 holes at Riviera? He's not saying he did 40 reps.
He did 40 reps, I saw him yesterday.
He went to the gym? At his house, he bought a machine.
And you saw him.
- Danny? - You're excused.
- Can I go talk to her, please? - No.
Anybody have any questions? All right.
- Uh, I've got a question.
- Simon? What'd you think of the season premiere? - Missed it.
I'll watch it in the office.
- What you think of Tom's Bill Frist? He's been doing it since Terry Schiavo Sim.
You can get it from the tape library, no problem.
I'll do that.
Any other questions? Thank you.
Deb? "The Democracy Act.
" Bush announces his new bill called The Democracy Act making it illegal to vote.
I don't know.
It's a play on how these guys always name things the opposite.
- The Patriot Act, The Clean Water Act.
- I understand.
During the speech, he could wear a crown and hold a scepter.
Yeah, that doesn't make it better.
- Denny? - "Bush's New Drug Czar.
" Bush appoints a new drug czar, because of his vetting process it turns out he's hired a drug kingpin instead.
- Mitch? "President's Daily Briefing.
" - White House staffers put a puppet show I need to start with the opening.
- When I have the opening "The Bush Speech Writers" - Or "Family Feud.
" Clintons versus Bushes.
And the vetters One at a time.
One at a time.
"The Bush Vetters" is a lot like "The Drug Czar," isn't it? I didn't say we're not gonna have Just stop! What are you all wearing? I'm not Blackwell or anything, but, holy cow, what the hell are you guys wearing? One of the things this show does is decide what's cool.
I've decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school.
- It's a comedy, Matt.
- Not yet, it's not.
And until it is, we're all gonna act professionally, you understand? We're gonna act, dress, talk, write, and behave professionally.
You are an adolescent, oversexed whoremonger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage.
And all that will begin in just a few minutes.
You've been dating Jeannie? - Harriet She saw you do 40 leg lifts at your house, jackass.
She was very impressed.
She told us all about it.
Simon and Tom couldn't look at me, neither could Danny, I was humiliated.
- What do you have to say? Yeah.
- Me? Don't walk in, talk to me in front of the staff like that again.
I will bench you until Christmas.
I will make you the highest-paid extra in Hollywood.
I will, so help me God, pay you to wave and say good night at 1:00 in the morning.
- Do you understand? - Yes.
What's your problem? After we broke up, I went out with somebody else? - That's what almost always happens.
- Not someone from where I work.
There are 17 strip clubs within a three-block radius of this place.
Not someone from my show.
It's not your show, it's mine, and there are only five clubs in a three-block radius.
- Spent my 20s in this theater.
- I've been here seven years.
I was here for the two before that.
So was Jeannie.
- Were you dating her? - I'm not dating her now.
- She just sleeps with you from time to time.
- You broke up with me, Harry.
If you don't believe, I've got a copy of the e-mail.
Yes, she did it by e-mail, ladies and germs.
Got a copy on my hard drive and another one in a safe deposit box at City National.
That's funny.
I keep all your things nicely stored on a garbage scow off Catalina.
So can I go date a woman who doesn't? - Well, that population's getting thin.
- Look Bad enough I've gotta read about you with Mena Suvari, Fiona Apple.
- Rachel McAdams, Marlo Thomas.
- You think I've been dating Marlo Thomas? Who the hell knows what you do, you addle-minded pervert? Marlo's married to Phil Donahue, who can still beat the crap out of me anytime.
- Thank God.
- Seriously, he's a huge Irish man.
I'm too tired for this.
- I never dated them.
- "Page Six" said Then you got me, because if "Page Six" said it, then it must be true.
- Did you confirm from the "Drudge Report"? - I got confirmation from Jeannie.
- About who? - About Jeannie.
Jeannie and I have been friends for a long time.
But you don't have to worry.
I don't date or do anything with people who work for me.
Yeah, I feel relieved.
- I think I'm falling in love with you again.
- Harry If I slow-danced with Danny, your head would explode, and you know it.
I have an active imagination, Matthew.
I'm paid a lot of money for it.
And you had to know I was gonna find out.
So now I have this in my imagination.
That's just mean.
Harriet Harry, I didn't mean to be mean.
Danny sent her home with me to make sure I was okay.
- And? - And I just wanna make sure that I mean, we need you this week, we need a great show and, you know I see.
So you can keep your head in the game? Sit down, write, and give me a damn audience.
Damn it.
The world has to come to an end? For the Rapture? Yes.
- Yes.
There's a percentage hoping the world will come to an end? - Yes.
- You'd think they'd be rooting us on.
How long were you gonna stand there? I'm a people person.
Getting to know your intern, Kelly.
My intern's name is Kayla, and we've got a problem.
Peter? Peter Goldman, Affiliate Relations.
We didn't really get a chance to meet.
And I'm Joe Reardon from Sales.
We got a very nervous call from Vernon Williams who's the owner of WTIH, our affiliate in Terre Haute.
Had to call on his cell.
His station lines are jammed.
He won't carry Studio 60 Friday unless he's guaranteed that "Crazy Christians" is dropped.
- I don't say what to put on the show.
- You do, you're their boss.
In this case, I specifically gave them permission to do it.
- I kind of made them a promise.
- Break it.
Over the Terre Haute market? What are they, 229th out of 230 affiliates? They're 151 st, but that's not the point.
How did the editor-in-chief of Total Nutbar Magazine get mobilized this fast? - That's the point.
- She and I have been on this issue.
- I don't know how to work my phone yet.
- Dial 9, professor.
- Where's she at? - She's got - What's her name? - Constance Gower.
- I hate that name.
Where's she at? - Clearly, she's got AFV working the banks.
She put up a newsflash on their website.
That's like the Bat Signal for her members.
- What happens now? - Phone lines will be flooded.
At Studio 60, 22 different red-state affiliates and here.
It will be a news story the whole week.
- And they'll probably come after you.
- With napalm? - Personal stuff on the Web.
- That's the way it goes.
I don't think the advertisers feel that way.
- I'm bulletproof on Friday.
How? Because movies open on Friday and half our sponsors are studios who want trailers associated with what's hip.
- As long as I deliver them eyeballs - There won't be eyeballs without affiliates.
- We lost one.
- In five hours.
Terre Haute.
What's next, Little Rock-Pine Bluff? Have these people watched? And if they don't like it can someone go teach them how to change the channel? Sounds like what my next job will be.
- Jack - It's the affiliate groups, Jordan.
Jensen Media, Forthlin West, Dynamic Channels.
We'll be reduced to the size of a college radio station.
So could you please pick up the phone, call your friends the executive producers and - No.
- I'm sorry, Jack.
- Peter.
- Jim.
- Joe.
But I made them a promise.
In fact, it was the first one I made.
I wish to offend no one, but I'm president of the National Broadcasting System.
I won't be told what to put on my air by amateurs of any stripe.
Shelly, don't worry about my back, worry about the network's.
Your back is the network's.
Nice meeting you guys.
Do we know about sound? - No.
FX? Film segments? Any point in going around the table? - No.
- Sorry, Cal.
He doesn't have anything yet.
He's tight.
It's no problem.
Set construction, just be on standby.
Same thing with the camera department.
Sound, set dressing, wardrobe, props graphics, video playback, gaffer, grips electrics in general, and FX.
All right, good meeting.
Danny? - Yo.
Jack White has acute tonsillitis.
Well, I don't know who that is, but do whatever we do.
Send flowers to the hospital or a basket of something.
- Jack White? Yeah.
- The White Stripes.
- We don't have a musical guest? - No.
Find out who's around.
Who's not touring or dead yet.
Kanye, Foo Fighters, Dave Matthews, Stone Temple Pilots - Pilots broke up three years ago.
- Get them back together, Jane.
Give me a list in two hours.
- Hey.
- Hey, I was just going to see Matt.
- What the hell was that yesterday? - The hell was what? What did you think of the season premiere? Tom's Bill Frist? - Danny, I was - I haven't watched the show since I left.
So were you trying to embarrass me or make a point? I would never try to embarrass you.
Then what's your point? You're here because you failed a drug test and you can't direct movies for two years.
That was new information.
You want me to be grateful because you're slumming in TV? Holy hell, Sim, I'm here, okay? I'm here.
Show was gonna go to Ricky and Ron and I'm here.
- What do you want? - You left us with Ricky and Ron.
- Is this about why I'm here or why I left? - Hey, you know, if I left because I was standing by Matt.
You? - Me? I was standing by the show.
- Yeah.
- How's it going? - Good.
Can The White Stripes play for an hour? Jack White's got acute tonsillitis, they can't play at all.
- Jane's working on it.
- Okay.
Yeah, that's better.
Check it out.
- What are you? - Danny said that you're choking.
Harriet and I have a White Stripes impression if you wanna write.
I didn't say you were choking, and we don't have the White Stripes.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Then I'm just a guy in a wig.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Don't grip it too tight, it's just Tuesday.
I gave the staff a lecture on clothing before.
I heard.
I couldn't believe the words coming out.
But apparently, I felt pretty strongly about it.
I don't have a cold open.
Unless we find Bin Laden between now and Friday we're gonna have people's attention for the open.
- It needs to be too many things.
- What does it need to be? Self-deprecating, an acknowledgement and an acceptance.
- A message from the producers? - It should be on a grand scale.
- What's a grand scale? - A song.
A big song, a musical number.
All right.
It should pay respect to where we are.
This studio, this city.
Keep talking.
- I'm trying.
Take the show seriously, but we don't take ourselves seriously.
- That's right.
- Screwed up, won't do it again.
- Yeah.
We'll be a model - We'll be model citizens.
We'll be a model.
You know who did the best frat humor of all time? - Rudy Vallee? - Groucho Marx.
- It was W.
- We'll be the very model of a modern network TV show.
We hope that you don't mind that our producer was caught doing blow.
- Yes? - Yes.
What do we have that says legacy of TV? Like Arturo Toscanini and the NBC Orchestra? - What do we have that says Jane! Jane! Jane! I'm just coming to see you, I'm with Clay Aiken's manager.
Then hang up the damn phone.
We need John Mauceri and the West Coast Philharmonic.
We're gonna need the L.
Light Opera Chorus.
And if you can't get them, try the L.
Phil or the USC or UCLA orchestras.
It's gotta read Los Angeles, gotta be able to play.
- This is a joke? - Counting on it.
- Go.
- Now we just need to write the song.
And the rest of the show.
- Cal, start production.
- I'll get everyone.
Tom, Simon, go home, get a change of clothes and your shaving kit, it's us this week.
Harriet too? Harriet too.
- Listen - Forget it, let's work.
All right.
It's just a clock.
Police estimating the number of protesters between two and 300 many holding signs reading "NBS equals God-haters.
" No comment from any of the more senior members of the Studio 60 staff.
- In Hollywood, Jane Yamamoto reporting.
- Go.
The second page of that, the fourth line, it just has to be three words shorter.
- And end in an odd number? - Seventeen.
Got it.
- These are good to go.
Floor managers, then the control room.
That's it, thanks.
- Yeah, 17's a much funnier number than 15.
- As a matter of fact, it is.
- I've got time for a shower, right? A quick one.
Eight o'clock at night, it's 102 degrees because there's a hole in the sky.
These people have been standing in the ticket line.
Can we spritz them with something? - They can hop in the shower with you.
- I'm not kidding.
- Pages are passing out cold lemonade.
- Can we open early? Soon as Willy and the band are ready.
Look at that.
You know in an hour and a half, it will be empty again.
You know, would you just enjoy the moment? Would you please just live in what's happening right now and not time travel to the next? Man, could you be just a little more Jewish? It was a spectacular dress, Matt.
It was the best.
I've never seen a dress go that well, and neither have you.
So for the love of God, in the name of all that is holy - I get it.
- Will you please? I'm gonna take a shower and change.
Was there something you came to see me about? - Yes.
- What? We don't need to do it now, but at some point I'm gonna need you to level with me about Harriet.
I need to know how big a problem it's gonna be.
- Not gonna be.
- It will if you're in love.
I'm not.
I'm not, Danny.
I love her talent.
The woman's got millions of fans, but there are maybe 50 guys in town who really understand how good she is, and we're two of them.
That's all, I admire her.
And I'm knocked out by her talent.
I like it when she makes me laugh, and I like making her laugh which isn't an easy thing to do, so it's gratifying.
She's undeniably sexy.
And I like it when she smiles at me, and a couple of other things, but that's it.
- Oh, my God, we are so screwed.
- I know.
Thirty minutes till showtime, everyone.
Thirty minutes.
Yeah, I got it.
It was thoughtless of - Sorry.
- I didn't see you.
It was thoughtless to blurt it out in the meeting, I'm sorry.
I love him to death, but we're friends.
And when we're both without somebody, sometimes we wind up with each other.
Eat them up, Jeannie with the light brown hair.
Eat them up? Thank you.
Hey, Celia, does he look good to you? He always looks good to me.
- Then could I have him for a second? - Yes, sir.
Make-up to stage, make-up to stage.
Your second year on the show was my last.
And at the beginning, you were pissed.
Jamie Foxx had beaten you out for the part in Stone's movie, the football movie.
- Yeah.
- You were pissed at Jamie.
You were pissed at Will Smith, at Denzel.
And you came into my office and you said: "I just graduated from Yale Drama, I don't belong here.
" And so I was pissed at you, because I do belong here.
- I belong here too.
- I know.
- So don't fire me.
- Why the hell would I do that? Because I can't do the voices.
- What? - I can't do the voices.
With the Jell-O Pudding Pops.
I can't do the voices.
Holy God, Sim.
That's what you're worried about? - Ricky and Ron are - Hacks? They've been saying they want me to do voices When did Wes let those guys take the show? When? That's why Matt didn't understand what the writers were wearing.
When did he stop running the show? You can't be too hard on Wes.
People get tired.
And you guys were like his sons, and he didn't stand up for you and he knew it.
We never asked him to.
Doesn't matter.
We're starting over.
We're gonna get you doing what you're good at including starting next week, you're gonna co-anchor the news.
- You're kidding.
- No.
And that Cosby wasn't bad, by the way.
- Yeah, it was.
- Yeah, it was.
Jell-O Pudding Pops.
Three twenty-seven live, we're standing by.
Three twenty-seven live, standing by.
You know what, Mary? You got spunk.
- I hate spunk.
- I hate spunk.
See? I like television too.
What was the final tally? Terre Haute, Missoula, Twin Falls, Oklahoma City and Little Rock-Pine Bluff.
Four local sponsors, three national sponsors.
- That's not too bad.
- I had to change my e-mail address twice.
- Frogs didn't fall from the sky? - Mm.
J- Mac, if the ratings start to dip next week or if America doesn't find "Crazy Christians" funny frogs falling from the sky's gonna seem like Club Med compared to what will happen next.
They never lose, Jordan.
They always win.
And they might this time, but I'm not going down in the first round.
If the ratings go up, the sponsors who dropped out, we'll welcome back at 120 percent of the cost of the original ad buy.
We're gonna be the first network to charge a coward fee.
I hate spunk.
Take the camera.
- You got it.
Let's go.
All right, huddle up.
I've been watching you all this week.
And I gotta tell you, I loved what I see.
Matt? Audience was standing out in the heat for a long time.
People don't laugh as much when hot because they're sticky and uncomfortable.
All right, good pep talk.
- Uh, whose turn is it? - Harry's.
Blessed are you, Lord, our God, creator of the universe, and father of us all.
Thank you for giving us one of your greatest gifts, a sense of humor.
And if you have time, please make something heavy fall on Matthew's head.
We say this prayer in the name of your son, Jesus Christ who had to have been funny to get so many people to listen to him.
Blessed art thou forever and ever, amen.
Five minutes, please.
Let's go.
I got a laugh at table read when I asked for butter in the dinner sketch.
I didn't get it at the dress.
What did I do wrong? It's one laugh out of 30 you're gonna get tonight.
- What did I do wrong? - You asked for the laugh.
- What did I do at the table read? - You asked for the butter.
Good show.
Good show.
- How's it looking back there? We got a problem.
- What? - Blew a circuit, there was a small fire.
The fire's out, but I'm only gonna have one camera for a while.
- What the hell are you talking about? - No, I'm just kidding, we're all set.
You scared the hell out of me.
Well, it's a comedy show, dude.
Welcome back, and 30 seconds.
All right, here we go.
Let's go, let's go.
- Fifteen seconds.
- Ready one, standby announce.
Right, here we go.
Big show, ready camera one.
Ladies and gentlemen John Mauceri and the West Coast Philharmonic joined by the Los Angeles Light Opera Chorus and the cast of Studio 60.
We'll be the very model Of a modern network Tv show Each time that we walk into this august And famous studio We're starting out from scratch After a run of 20 years and so We hope that you don't mind That our producer was caught doing blow They hope that you don't mind That their producer was caught doing blow They hope that you don't mind That their producer was caught doing blow They hope that you don't mind That their producer was caught doing Mounds of blow Yes, it's hard to be a player When at heart you've always had a hunch To bite the hand that feeds you Is a scary way of doing lunch But still when we walk into this august And famous studio We'll be the very model Of a modern network Tv show But still when they walk into this august And famous studio They'll be the very model Of a modern network Tv show I am a Christian, tried and true, Baptized at age 11 So unlike the liberals, gays and Jews I'm going straight to heaven But if you feel you've been cheated And our sordid content lets you down We'll happily do the favor Of an intellectual reach-around They'll happily do the favor Of an intellectual reach-around They'll happily do the favor Of an intellectual reach-around They'll happily do the favor Of a hundred-dollar hooker's reach-around That wasn't the same thing we said.
They'll happily do the favor Of a verbal euphemistic reach-around We know the evangelicals are lining up To tag our toe And then the corporations Will not hesitate to pull their dough But still when we walk into this august And famous studio We'll be the very model Of a modern network Tv show But still when we walk into this august And famous studio They'll be the very model Of a modern network Tv show But still when they walk into this august And famous studio They'll be the very model Of a modern network Tv show Live from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip it's Friday night in Hollywood.