Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006) s01e05 Episode Script

The Long Lead Story

Previously on Studio 60: I wanted to give you a non-romantic present.
It's signed by Darren Wells.
He wrote his phone number here.
You gave me a used cocktail napkin.
I wasn't trying to make you jealous.
There he is.
Excuse me.
Matt, say hello to Martha O'Dell.
Nice to meet you.
Martha wants to do a long lead cover for vanity Fair.
You okay with that? - Sure.
- When do you wanna start? I did, five minutes ago.
Oh, holy Mother of God, am I eating it.
This would be a lot easier if you weren't staring at me.
Huh? I said this would be easier if you weren't staring at me.
I'll bet it would.
You drawing a blank? - Yeah.
- Isn't that the worst? What you gonna do? - What do you mean? - To get going again? - Well, I'm gonna ask you to stop talking.
- Sure.
- Didn't help? - I really need you to be someplace else.
- Total access or there's no story.
- I don't care if there's no story.
- I care if there's no show in 21 hours.
- Twenty hours, 38 minutes.
What are you doing? - Just checking the make.
- For description? It's a 10,000-word piece, they're not all gonna be winners.
The numbers in the corners of the cards they are the running times of each sketch, right? - Yeah.
- So you've got, what? Fifty seven, 30 plus five, 20 for "News 60" plus seven, 45 for Sting.
You've got an hour, - Yeah.
- Only 19 minutes 25 seconds more to write.
- There's a 3:30 commercial break.
- So 15 minutes, 55 seconds.
- What are you, Math Girl? - It's addition and subtraction.
We're not doing a lot of advanced cryptography tonight.
You've covered presidential campaigns.
You've covered presidents.
You've covered wars.
What are you writing about a TV show for? What are you writing a TV show for? I'm not.
I'm watching you dust my office for prints.
I'm writing about it because what's happened here is important.
What's happening here is important.
I think popular culture in general and this show in particular are important.
Excuse me.
Wardrobe wanted you to approve this.
Yeah, it's good.
Hang on.
That's supposed to be a lobster costume, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah, then it's fine.
- Matt? - Yeah.
You know, we don't know each other very well, but You've spent every hour with me for five days.
At this point, you know me better than my parents.
- I don't know your parents.
- I meant I know.
I was doing a dangling modifier joke.
I stopped doing that in high school after the fourth time I got stuffed in my locker.
I was gonna say we don't know each other very well.
But I am someone who can empathize.
When I've broken up with someone I really liked I've had a hard time writing my column for months.
I just lose interest in being interesting.
And I'm not even under an obligation, like you, to be funny.
Martha, you're not gonna suck me into a conversation about Harriet.
- I bet I will.
- Hundred bucks.
- Matt? - Yeah.
- Twenty hours, 35 minutes until airtime.
- Yeah.
- That's cutting it a little close, isn't it? - Yeah.
So here's my question.
Is the fear of failure on such a massive scale a helpful motivation? You really wouldn't rather be in Baghdad right now? No.
But you know what I think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna spend some time with the cast.
- Harriet? - She is a member of the cast.
I like talking to you guys late at night.
You get pretty dopey.
- Knock yourself out.
- The lobster sketch isn't funny yet.
Tell me something else I don't know, Woodward.
I am eating it.
The hat's good camouflage.
No one would recognize you.
I'm sorry I'm late.
No problem.
Are you coming from work? - I'm coming from a meeting.
- I'm going to work.
A meeting with who? - I can't tell you.
- Why not? Because the second A stands for anonymous, boss.
That kind of meeting.
This late? Any hour of the day.
How can I help you? There's nothing wrong with chatting.
We just did.
There was the baseball cap, then something else.
- Maybe it was the baseball cap.
- I haven't done enough to win your respect? Who said I don't respect you? - Jordan, what do you need? - You know Trevor Laughlin? - I know him.
- He wrote a pilot, and it's good.
Each season takes place during a session of the U.
It sounds like it should be unbearable, but it's not.
It's energetic, it's tense, it's emotional, it's - I swear to God, it's funny.
- I've read it.
- And? - I agree with everything you said.
I'd have used more sophisticated adjectives.
Good for you.
HBO wants it.
- I know that.
- Will you persuade him to come to NBS? No.
- No what? - No, ma'am? Hi.
What can I bring you? What are you having? Uh, Lipton tea.
A Chivas with ice, please.
- Is that okay with you? - What? - Drinking in front of you? - We're in a bar.
- You won't help me with Trevor Laughlin? - No.
- Why? - He should be at HBO.
- Why? - HBO is better.
Help me with Trevor Laughlin.
He's a playwright out of New York with a lot of promise.
Steer them in the wrong direction, know what's gonna happen? - You lose your street cred? - Right.
- You have street cred? - I do.
Help me with this.
I don't think his show is right for your network.
- Why? - It's good.
I can't imagine why I'd think you don't respect me.
- Your Scotch is here.
- Thank you.
You mind drinking alone? I should get back to the theater.
Matt should be melting down about now.
No problem, Snoop Dogg.
All right, settle.
Mark it from the top.
We have the music, we have the Chyron.
And action.
Welcome back.
We continue to follow the horrifying Christie Lambert saga.
VTR, "Day Seven, Taken in the Night, Christie Lambert.
" - A young Bennington College senior Picture over the shoulder.
on a hard-earned break after six weeks of classes goes to the island of Martinique with three of her friends.
Her cell phone goes missing now believed stolen.
Physically removed from the Half Moon Bay Ramada or possibly lost during Bacardi Jell-O-shot hour at Captain Luther's Shrimp Shack.
We are joined now by Lieutenant Francois Latourel.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
First, is there any new news to report? This is a missing cell phone, and your program has had me on every day.
I really should be out doing other things that really Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me.
- I happen to be a former prosecutor.
Yes, ma'am, I know that.
So I would think that you of all people would want to see law enforcement able to do their job.
- Where are you standing? - Police headquarters.
Which, as you can see, has no door or roof.
- Well, stay right there, because we have - Hold, please.
Simon's green screen will have to be stage left, camera right.
We're not gonna have the lobster set struck in time.
- Where can we put Jeannie? - Tunnel 1.
Jeannie's dorm room set is Tunnel 1.
And go ahead.
Well, stay right there, lieutenant we've got Christie live on our satellite feed from her dorm room at McCallister Hall in Bennington, Vermont.
Christie, are you hanging in there? Thank you, Nancy.
I've got a great support system.
Can I go? - No.
Christie, take us back once again to the last time you saw your cell phone.
Well, I was partying, as I told you, on the beach with Jenn and Kiki.
Jennifer Sullivan and Kiki Campbell.
Jenn, studying veterinary sciences, Kiki, dance major with a minor in French.
- Practically fluent.
Nancy - You'll get your turn, sir.
Then we went to our room to change.
Lieutenant, I'm assuming you've run all this information through your computer and cross-checked it with the FBI's central database.
Our computer is a Commodore 64.
It was a gift from a captain of a Princess Cruise in 1982.
What are those names running quickly across the screen? As a former prosecutor, I'm sensitive to the reality that Christie's phone isn't the only phone missing today.
That's why I run the names of black, poor or ugly people who have also lost their phones and need the public to be aware.
Okay, this is really Christie, you were meeting up with Michael.
I'm getting that right? Michael Sonner, lacrosse player who spent the day parasailing.
Then what? We went to Michael's room, out on the balcony.
Balcony, platform exterior to a room, found in temperate or tropical climate.
So Michael had weed News flash, and Hold, please.
That's all I need.
- We should start the sound check.
- Wrap them.
We're gonna play some 17th-century English folk songs out here.
Cast is wrapped for the night.
Staggered calls in the morning.
Check your call sheets.
That's what I was thinking.
You're right.
- Harriet? - Hi.
- You got a minute? - Sure.
It's a little late.
I'm gone for the next two weeks.
I'll be covering House races.
- Which ones? - A couple where there are stories.
A couple where there are just good jokes.
- I know the feeling.
- The Nancy Grace sketch is funny.
Thank you.
Simon and Jeannie have got very special timing and Matt knows how to get it in their strike zone.
I've spent most of the week with Matt, and I wanted to talk to you before I left.
This'll be the first of many conversations.
We don't have to do everything now.
I know you wanna get to sleep.
Well, everyone here is a big fan of yours, Martha.
- Really? - Yeah.
How would I be referred to in your parents' house? The devil's whore from Washington.
I'm actually the devil's whore from Bethesda.
Harriet, the "News 60" rundown's being moved to 10 so they'd like to do the still photo shoot at 8.
Well, 8 in the morning's my best look, so count me in.
Thank you.
You know, you wanna talk to somebody, you should talk to her.
Talk to the PAs.
First ones here, last ones to leave, $350 a week.
I will.
- And the interns.
I was thinking that Harriet's an unusual name.
- Yeah? - It's from another generation.
It's my middle name.
I'm Hannah Harriet Hayes.
My mother named me after Hannah in the Old Testament who prayed to God that if he gave her a child she would give the child back to God.
My mother had had six boys before she had me so she was pretty psyched.
- Why'd you change it? - There was a Hannah Hayes in the union.
And you're Southern Baptist.
Martha, hasn't enough been written about my religion? As a matter of fact, I've done a lot of searches and hardly anything has.
Generic references are made to your being a Christian, but in a tabloid context.
You work in Washington, and I work in Hollywood but take my word for it, in most other parts of the world the fact that I believe in God wouldn't be noteworthy.
But you work in Hollywood.
I'm not the only one at my church on Sunday.
Our church isn't the only church in town.
You're the only one who stars on a late-night comedy show whose staple is attacking the religious Right.
That's an overstatement.
"Crazy Christians," "Science Schmience," the weather with Pat Robertson.
I'm sorry, Pat Robertson has taken to predicting the weather and boasting of being able to leg-lift a Navigator.
That's not attacking religion, it's attacking preposterousness.
Would you have a problem doing a sketch about premarital sex? I don't have a problem having premarital sex.
Might be the only sex I have.
I gave you your pull-quote.
- So can I go home? - Two more minutes.
You're not going to get me to talk about Matt.
Matt bet me a hundred dollars that I couldn't get him to talk about you.
I'll talk about his writing or I'll talk about him as a boss No, I just spent five days with him.
I want to talk about you.
Is there a way to do that where you don't make me sound like a narcissistic twit? - Are there good actors and bad actors? - Yes.
- Good directors and bad directors? - Yeah.
There are good reporters and bad reporters.
Which do you think I am? What would you like to know? Where were you born? - Brighton, Michigan.
- And you've got six older brothers.
- Yeah.
- What do your parents do? - They're both dead.
My father worked in a paper-processing plant.
My mother was a secretary in a doctor's office.
- You were close? - You don't need to write this down? No.
My father wasn't very religious, and neither are my brothers.
But my mother used to take me to church.
- What Church? - Antioch Baptist Church.
What could it possibly matter? I'm sorry.
I'm tired.
Antioch Baptist Church.
The luck my mother never had winning her sons to Christ, she found with me.
I was memorizing whole passages of Scripture by the time I was 6.
- Really? - I won a contest to see who could name all 66 books of the Bible.
- Can you still do it? - Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua - How did you get into comedy? - Nobody wanted to hire me as a ballerina.
- Seriously.
- I'm serious.
I've danced since I was 4.
- And sang? - And sang.
How did you get into comedy? - I liked Judy Holliday.
- Really? I watched Bells Are Ringing till I wore out the tape and bought another with my allowance.
- Did your mother mind? - She encouraged it.
She'd quote the Psalms: He who sits high in heaven shall laugh.
It was a small house, with seven kids a devout mother and a far-from-devout father who'd started to drink when he was laid off from the paper plant.
I was good at defusing tension.
My mother put me in church plays.
And one time, I just went up on a line and to cover, I broke into a Judy Holliday impression.
There was stunned silence until the minister burst out laughing.
And I looked and I saw the pride on my mother's face.
And I told her I was ready to accept Christ, and I was baptized.
You became a Christian and a comedian at the same time.
I got an academic scholarship to study music at Rutgers.
I'd come into the city a lot and go to the comedy clubs.
Then I got another scholarship to get a masters in music at Kansas State.
But I went to Chicago instead and swept the floors at Second City.
Then I came to L.
, started interning with the Groundlings.
I started getting some stage time.
And one night, a guy came up to me and said: "My name is Danny Tripp.
I'm a segment producer at Studio 60.
You should audition for Wes Mendell.
" It was Danny who found you? - Yeah.
- Not Matt? All crew to stage for sound check, please.
Hang on.
- What's that? - It's a lute.
- A lute? - The instrument.
They're doing Sting's sound check.
He's got a classical album coming out, and he plays the lute.
Sting is in the building right now? He's on-stage.
Sting is upstairs playing a lute? You wanna go watch? Harriet, you're interesting, but get out of my way.
No, I'm sorry.
And go ahead.
And action.
It's a beautiful instrument.
Sting or the lute? - I'm gonna head on home.
- One last thing.
- Oh, Martha - And this will be it.
Matt wasn't a star around here until you showed up.
I checked around, I looked at old scripts.
He'd been here a couple of years, but he'd hardly gotten anything on the air.
People who were here then don't even remember who he was.
Wes certainly knew who he was.
No, he didn't break out until you came on the show.
You came on the show and, suddenly, he's getting everything on the air.
And most of it's for you.
As a result, you went from saying: "May I take your order" in a restaurant sketch to being a star.
Obviously, that can be a coincidence.
Was it? Martha.
I'm not writing a love story, I'm just asking.
My mother got cancer when I was 15.
And I said, "Mom, how come you never say, 'Why me?"' And she said, "I never asked God, 'Why me? ' when the good things happened, so I shouldn't ask now.
" You don't question why the good things happen.
Thank you.
Sting, thank you, sir.
Painless as always, Calvin.
Thank you.
Tell you what though, I'm tired of lute players getting all the great women.
- That's why I took it up, just to compete.
- See you tomorrow.
Get some sleep.
Let these fellows go home.
Hear that? Sting just said, "Let these guys go home.
" - I'll see you tomorrow.
- Hannah.
It was a coincidence.
When you're as good as Matt, you don't stay a secret very long.
- I just got here when it happened.
- Okay.
- All right? - Great.
See you tomorrow.
How are you different from your mother? I hope in as few ways as possible.
- You need anything? - Pen, I need a pen.
It's called Search and Destroy.
We've been keeping the title under wraps for obvious reasons.
The game is as follows, five engaged couples living together for 12 weeks in a mansion in South Beach.
They're preparing to get married, we're trying to break them up.
Sounds like Temptation Island? It's not.
Why? Because instead of breaking them up by dangling the possibility of inconsequential sex, we're gonna break them up with the truth.
Thank you, love.
It's based on the notion that no one's life can withstand public scrutiny.
We'll see that hypothesis put to the test.
We will use the best private investigators to dig up information on our couples.
Anything from infidelity to infertility to the addiction to Internet pornography.
If Sarah and Bob are a Catholic couple, we may find out that Sarah had an abortion.
In fact, maybe the baby was Bob's.
But here is where I think the beauty lies.
Rather than filming months in advance and signing secrecy agreements we will be filming each episode in the week that it airs.
My post-production team can assemble, cut and mix a show in 24 hours.
The result? The media itself will be part of the game.
Rumor will work as well as truth.
The couple that survives until the end will receive a lavish wedding the house in South Beach, and $ 1 million.
Search and Destroy.
That's our show.
I don't know, Martin.
One of these days, you'll come up with a good idea.
King of the genre, my client right here.
No argument from me.
- Twenty-four hours to get the bid together.
- Thank you.
That's 6 p.
Today to 6 p.
Saturday, not Monday.
There's been some confusion.
Twenty-four hours.
Thank you all for coming in today.
Martin, very nice meeting you.
Same here.
And chin up, you'll weather the storm.
- Hey.
- Yeah? - You know, you could've What? Loved them up a little more.
Yeah? Seriously, they're walking to the elevator saying they weren't feeling it.
I'll call Robbie and make it okay.
Half your job description is being disarmingly seductive.
I wasn't seeing it.
I'm not bidding on it.
They weren't pitching us.
We were pitching them.
And when they make their decision, they're gonna factor in What? - I'm not bidding on it.
- What are you talking about? - I'm passing.
- On what? On what? On Masterpiece Theater.
You're not kidding? - No.
- You may have a problem with the show - I do.
but it's gonna be a hit.
- It is, but for somebody else.
What are you saying? I'm saying, for the fifth time now, I'm passing.
You're letting a personal episode inform your judgment I don't live my life in episodes.
on a business decision.
Whatever you wanna call it.
The man and his shows do nothing but make money.
You're getting taken for a walk by tabloids, your ex, the Christian Right, I get it.
You don't get it.
They wanna fillet me, that's the cost of doing business, I'm fine.
- Really? - Yes.
When was the last time you slept four hours? This show Is toxic.
It's bad crack in the schoolyard.
And we're three weeks removed from Wes Mendell taking 53 seconds and destroying an unparalleled legacy in television to tell us so.
We're honoring Wes' memory? That's what? A contest to see whose lives can withstand public scrutiny? How interesting that couple must be.
"But here's where I think the beauty lies.
" Now we all get to be unctuous British gossip bitches.
"Maybe it was Bob's baby.
" Well, I'm sorry, I'm bigfooting you on this one.
We're making the bid, and we're making the bid we planned.
You got a problem, because you haven't read my contract.
I get to greenlight up to 1.
2 million on my own.
But I can reject whatever I want and only Wilson White can say otherwise.
Be in my office tonight at 9:00 to see Wilson White.
I can't.
There's a writer I'm trying to get from HBO.
I invited him to watch Studio 60 with me tonight in the box.
Then you have a problem, Jordan because you haven't read the sign on my door that says chairman.
Be in my office at 9:00.
Don't slam the Door.
- Jenny, you gotta have a baby.
- You gotta have one now.
- Well, sure, I'm hoping to one day.
- Not one day, right now.
- This minute.
- Guys.
You can't imagine how fulfilling it is.
You can't.
The fulfillment is beyond your comprehension.
- I feel like a woman.
- I finally feel like a woman.
I feel like a woman.
- You can't.
It's impossible.
You think you feel like a woman.
- You don't.
- You think you feel fulfilled.
- You're not.
What you need to do is freeze your eggs.
I'm sorry? You have a shelf life, Jenny.
You're getting older every second.
Right there, while I was talking, you got older.
Jenny's friends are all new moms But Jenny doesn't have anyone They all say she's missing the fun 'Cause Jenny doesn't have a baby Hi.
Folks, hi.
It's my turn to thank you very much for being a terrific rehearsal audience.
You deserve it.
We need to ask you to stay for another two minutes and 40 seconds.
Believe it or not, we rehearse saying good night.
We also rehearse the two-minute and 20-second commercial break.
In the meantime, I can tell you what's happening.
Danny Tripp has just gone upstairs to Matt Albie's office where the two of them will very quickly decide what makes it into the show tonight.
We call this the Friday night slaughter, because this is where you find out if you have a chance to be the next Bill Murray or the next Domino's Pizza delivery guy.
Twelve, 45 long.
- Let's get Cal first.
- I'm here.
- I got 12, 45 heavy.
- That's what it is.
Move "Nancy Grace" up.
It's the best we got tonight.
You have to move "Couple Counselor" down.
Why? - Tunnels 2 and 5.
- Can't reposition the cameras.
- We gotta rebuild this theater.
We're on TV in an hour.
I don't think now is the best time.
"Al Qaeda Culinary Institute"? Cut it.
"Tom Jeter's Metric Conversion"? I don't think he was that attached to it anyway.
- Where does that leave us with time? - We still need another four minutes.
"Sign Language"? And "Jenny Doesn't Have a Baby.
" - It was good.
- No, it wasn't, it was almost good.
Good night, everybody.
- Tom.
- Yeah? - Can I talk to you a second? - Yeah.
I did something really stupid.
- What? - I feel like an idiot.
I've spent the week in a lobster costume, so you're talking to the right guy.
Martha O'Dell wanted to talk to me, and the press office said it was okay.
She was asking about some things.
And I told her the story about how Matt went down to the Roxy to get one of the Bombshell Babes - Suzanne.
to sign a boot to make Harriet jealous.
- Why? - I thought it was a charming story.
I thought it made Matt look sweet, but as soon as it was done, I realized I completely betrayed this guy who I worship.
You know, it wouldn't kill you to worship me.
- Tom.
- Don't worry about it.
- I'll take care of it.
- How? Don't worry about it.
You should go eat.
Good show.
I'm gonna pitch cutting "Couples Counselor" and putting back "Jenny Doesn't Have a Baby.
" If we keep cutting sketches the host is in, we're gonna have a hard time getting hosts.
We're gonna have a hard time if the show isn't funny.
She was making it work.
I don't want her to have to make it work.
I want it to work when it's handed to her.
Them, the whole The cast, I want it to work when it's handed to them.
You know what we're gonna do at the wrap party? We're gonna find you your rebound girl.
An intermezzo, a cleansing of the palate.
We're not looking for a girl with a Ph.
In string theory or anything, okay? There'll be at least half a dozen women there who've been on the cover of FHM.
- That's what's for you right now.
- Really? Trust me, trust my face.
- You are? - Twice divorced.
- You have? - No one in my life at the moment.
- You haven't for? - Quite some time.
- Okay.
- We'll cut "Jenny.
" Cast and crew, one hour to air.
One hour to air.
We really are gonna rebuild this theater.
Okay, well, I'm gonna rewrite three sketches.
Then I'll grab my tool belt and get on that.
All right, here we go.
We've got a barn, let's put on a show.
Thirty minutes till air, everyone.
Thirty minutes till air.
- They teach you how to cheat? "They teach you how to cheat?" Of course not - Come in.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Word's out you were looking for me.
Yes, thank you.
Come in, sit down.
You talked to one of our PAs, Suzanne.
Harriet suggested it.
She's not used to giving interviews, and you're a very intimidating presence.
She told you that last week Matt went to the Roxy to see one of the Bombshell Babies To get her to sign a stiletto boot for Harriet as retaliation for Harriet giving him a baseball bat with Darren Wells' phone number on it.
She feels very bad about revealing that confidence.
While I'm not gonna ask you not to write it, I'm gonna ask you a favor.
- What? - I just told you the story.
Right now.
Attribute it to me and not Suzanne.
That's very gentlemanly of you.
Well, I'm kind of the one who told him to do it.
Which, by the way, he ended up not doing.
- He didn't give her the boot.
- He thought better of it.
- "Metric Conversion" was good.
- Simon, you got a minute? - For a rectal probe? - Yeah.
- Sure.
- Hang on.
- Excuse us just one second.
- Okay.
I just wanna bring you up to speed on something.
Suzanne told Martha about Matt and Harriet and Darren Wells and the Bombshell Babies.
Why the hell would she? She's young, inexperienced, and didn't know better.
Here's what I did.
- I confirmed it.
- Because you're stupid? - Martha thought it was gentlemanly.
- Matt will use a different word.
I'm taking the hit for Suzanne.
- All right, how much does she know? - I don't know.
- The "Star-Spangled Banner"? - I don't know.
- The 700 Club? - I don't know.
- About Jeannie? - I really don't know.
I am the only one in this whole organization that knows how to handle the press.
They know exactly what I want them to know, nothing more.
I operate like an international spy.
Okay, so I got a few minutes.
You wanna know about when I was in a gang? No, I wanna know about the "Star-Spangled Banner" The 700 Club and Jeannie.
You're still miked, Mata Hari.
- Damn.
- Yeah.
Okay, so you broke us.
Yeah, it's not exactly cracking the Alger Hiss case with you guys.
You know what I mean? They teach you to double-cross your best friend? What was in Beijing, sir? - Please don't call me sir.
- I'm sorry.
I wasn't in Beijing, I was in Macau, which is about 1200 miles south.
And it's experienced There's an American consortium including TMG, Steve Wynn, MGM Grand.
We're investing $20 billion in Macau to turn it into the Las Vegas of Asia.
I started as an intern on The Danny Thomas Show.
And on Monday, I'm gonna start to build a city in China.
Talk fast.
I've been on a plane for 20 hours.
We're in a bidding war for an unscripted series from Martin Sykes who's made a lot of money for every network but ours.
It will be a prohibitive hit, impossible to counter-program.
Whoever gets it will own the night.
They'll have Boardwalk and Park Place.
It's a 24-hour window, and the meter's been running for three hours.
I want it, Sales wants it.
Jordan's exercising a clause in her contract which allows her to reject the program save for your intervention.
- What's the problem? - It's disgusting.
- I need more than that.
- It's patently disgusting.
It appeals to the worst in our nature.
Whoever airs it will play a role in subverting our national culture.
It doesn't belong on anyone's air.
Certainly not ours when we're trying to re-brand for high-end viewers.
I swear to God, sir the better our shows are, the more money we're gonna make.
I just told you not to call me sir.
If you want her to cook the meal you gotta let her shop for the groceries.
Anything else? No.
Tell your kids to learn Mandarin.
Who said that? Who said what? If you want me to cook, let me shop for the groceries.
- Bill Parcells.
- Who's that? A football coach who hasn't won a playoff game in nine years.
And we're back.
I'm Nicolas Cage, your couples counselor.
And I'm here with Mindy and Jack.
Jack, before the commercial, we were talking about? I was just saying that I feel that Mindy could be a little closer to my stepbrother Phil.
If I'm right about Mindy, she'll get a lot closer to Phil.
You'll come home and find your stepbrother Phil in the shower wearing your favorite felt hat! I'm not perfect either.
- Heroin? - No.
Well, what is it, then? Sometimes, I leave used floss lying on the bathroom counter.
It's not a big deal.
Jack, let me draw you a straight line between her floss on the edge of the sink and her used bloody syringes all over hand-stitched Australasian yoga mats.
I don't do yoga.
You can jump in You're a frigid A study out of the University of Washington found men who are good dancers attract more women.
The full report can be read in Gay Husband Monthly.
The Washington Post reports that the Army is launching a military theme park in Virginia with simulator rides.
The project is expected to cost $900 million, and none of the rides will ever end.
- Simon.
- Harry, listen, something's happened.
- What? - You know your? What do you call it? Your personal life? - Yeah? - Well What did you idiots tell Martha O'Dell? For what it's worth, it started off as a gentlemanly act.
You say that now, but what are you gonna do when he comes home from a Rolling Stone cover shoot or whatever it is he does I sell windows.
- And you've gone through half a tube of industrial sealant can't get your head out of the bag, and he's wishing you'd burn in unholy hell? Well And that's all the time we have this week on Nicolas Cage, Couples Counselor.
Tune in next week when our theme will be "Losing the Passion: It's Not You, It's Her.
" - Yes, sir.
- I've got us right on the money.
That's where we are.
Hey, I'm looking up at the box.
I don't see McDeere.
Think she fell out of love with us? It happens, people change.
Give her a break tonight if you see her.
People tell me Les Moonves got the Martin Sykes show.
- She lost the bid? She didn't make the bid.
- What do you mean? - She passed.
- Really? Jack's wandering the streets.
So no one in L.
's safe tonight.
Matt? I'm off to catch the redeye.
I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Have a good flight.
- Is that the bat? - What bat? I'll say this about you guys, you look out for each other.
You're not very good at doing it, but it's nice to see the effort.
Even Harriet.
When I mentioned your pathological dislike of the religious Right she jumped to your defense.
You broke up with her because she went on The 700 Club to promote her album? What are you writing about, Martha? I don't know yet.
I know that half this country hates the other half.
And I know that for 90 minutes a week, you and Harriet come together.
You were here for two years before anybody knew your name.
Harriet got here, and you both broke at the same time.
- I wasn't a hack.
- I didn't say you were.
I had a one-act at the Humana Festival in Louisville and another at EST that's the Ensemble Studio Theater in New York.
- Those are two important stages.
- I know them both.
- What's this for? - A hundred dollars.
I was trying to impress Harriet.
That's how I broke.
No kidding.
Sadly, I can't cash this for ethical reasons but I will pin it to my bulletin board along with the others.
I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Two minutes till we're back, everyone two minutes till we're back.
- Trevor.
- Hi.
So sorry to make you wait.
- I hope they told you it was - Sure.
Are they doing good tonight? - I think it's their best show yet.
- Good.
I want Nations on NBS, Trevor.
It means a lot to me that you like the script.
But the bottom line is that I don't think my show will find an audience on your network.
I think HBO is where people expect to find more literate programming.
I can't remember which Jane Austen novel was Taxicab Confessions adapted from? And as far as finding an audience, that's my job.
You wrote an off-Broadway play about Pericles when he was mayor of Athens.
Pericles said, "All things good should flow into the boulevard.
" Your show is good, Trevor, and it should be on American broadcast television for free and seen by as many people as possible.
There's nothing wrong with the medium, just content.
There's only one way to change that.
Excuse me.
- Danny.
- How are your folks? - Good.
- Aren't you producing a show right now? - Yes, aren't you? Yeah, but come here, let me talk to you for a second.
First team, places.
Inside, 30 seconds.
Okay, you got it.
- Got what? - The show.
I'd be happy to do it at NBS.
Why? He just told me to.
Still hearing noise.
Have to be quiet.
What was that for? We're ready.
- Passing on Martin Sykes.
I do a whole speech about Pericles of Athens you come in and say do it, and he does it? Street cred.
Stand by.
We're back in five, four, three, two Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Sting.
How do you even find a lute teacher? Wow.
It's for "Society Gal Car Wash.
" I know.
I didn't think he was gonna do this one.
I asked him to.
What's it like telling a rock legend what to sing and having him sing it? I didn't tell him, I asked him.
I like this song.
Reminds me of something.
You know Martha O'Dell's got our number, right? Oh, Harry, I don't even have our number.
Darren Wells is meeting me at the wrap party.
Well, Danny's determined to fix me up with a model from Cars and Chicks Quarterly or something.
You knock my socks off.