Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006) s01e06 Episode Script

The Wrap Party

Previously on Studio 60: You knock my socks off.
Trevor Laughlin, he wrote a script and it's good.
It's called Nations.
I don't think his show is right for your network.
- Why? - It's good.
There's a writer I'm trying to get from HBO, and I invited him to watch Studio 60.
I'm sorry, I'm bigfooting you on this one.
Okay, you got it.
- Got what? - The show.
- I'd be happy to do it at NBS.
- Why? He just told me to.
Thanks to Sting, to the great cast and crew Matt and Danny.
- Good night, everybody.
Roll in.
Call it, 9:59:51.
- Can we get Miguel a translator? - He's proud, he doesn't want a translator.
He swears the words he has trouble with are adverbs of motion.
- In, out, up, down, right, left.
- He's a camera operator.
That's what I need him to know.
Suzanne, tell your guys tarps over everything.
The last time we had a wrap party, we had to shut down while we replaced the studio.
Cal.
Jordan.
- Great show.
- Thanks.
- You were great.
- Thank you.
I've had wine.
- No one would ever know.
I bought my first show.
- Congratulations.
It's a one-hour drama about the U.
N.
It can't miss.
- I'm celebrating.
- Enjoy the party.
- I'm also hiding from Jack Rudolph.
I didn't bid on the reality show and to add injury to - Insult to injury.
Insult to injury, Wilson White backed me took Jack's legs out from under him, so I'm hiding here tonight.
This is like, for me, Superman's Dome of Pleasure.
- Fortress of Solitude? - Yes.
- Well, enjoy yourself.
- I believe I will.
Guess who's in the hizzay.
Oh, man.
- Suzanne, tarps over everything.
Tie it off.
I'm gonna go ahead and store all these.
Let's clear this area out.
- Nice show, Gino.
- You too, Stu.
Five.
On the negative side.
Down low.
Too slow.
- Get out of here.
Jeannie.
Fifteen seconds long on "Commedia," we had to steal it from "News 60.
" I know, people laughed, I was as surprised as anybody.
Try not to be funny, we're doing a TV show.
Got it.
Hang on to it.
Jeannie.
- Hey, listen.
Lilly told me they took 15 seconds from the news to "Commedia.
" Sorry, people laughed, we weren't prepared for that.
- I just almost kissed Matt.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Where? - On the mouth.
- Where in the building? Up in his office during the last Sting number.
It was a close call.
I nearly had a Matt relapse, but I'm fine.
Darren's coming, and Danny's trying to fix Matt up with cocktail waitresses, so we're back to normal.
- How do you feel about Darren? - I'm crazy about him, and I'll tell you why.
He's a professional athlete and has the body of one? No.
It's because he's the anti-Matt.
Darren is the anti-Matt.
He's not snide, he's not smug, he's not superior he goes to church, he works with his hands.
He's not a rancher, he's a middle reliever for the Dodgers.
- I'm saying he is unburdened by What? - Thought? - He thinks.
- About what? - I'm looking forward to discovering that.
- In the meantime, you've got the muscles.
That's the meat of what you have to say? I wasn't giving it my all because I got laughs tonight in "Commedia.
" I'm gonna change for the party.
- You owe me 15 seconds of fame.
- That's all I got on me right now.
Hey, T, listen, I'm gonna ask Matt to slip off to the Improv around 11 to see a guy.
Wanna come? - My parents are here tonight.
- No kidding? I wanna meet them.
Really? Twenty-seven is too old to have mommy-and-daddy issues.
They don't know what I do for a living, my brother.
They alive? - Well, they live in Columbus, Ohio so barely.
- Then shut up.
I'm gonna show them around, and when we say good night I swear, my father's gonna ask me if I need any money.
It's gonna take everything not to point out to him I could buy his house four times and turn it into my Ping-Pong room.
I would resist that urge.
Who are you gonna see? Some guy out from New York I was told about named Willy Wilson.
You ever heard of him? - No.
- Sometimes he goes by Willy Wilz.
- Hello, hello.
Hey, guys, you found your way.
It wasn't easy.
Come here so I can kiss you.
Ohh.
- How are you doing, Dad? - Good, good.
How are you? Great.
The drive was okay? - Fine.
No problems.
Great.
Uh, did you like the show? Oh, honey, it was so interesting to see it in person.
It's all so much smaller than it looks on TV.
And with those seats you got us, we felt like real Hollywood big shots.
I thought any second Joan Rivers was gonna jump out of nowhere and ask us what we were wearing.
That could happen any second, be careful.
- Mom and Dad, this is Simon Stiles.
- Oh.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Jeter, it is a pleasure to meet you both.
- Tom talks about you all the time.
Really? No, I don't talk about you at all.
I have to tell you, Tom's father won't admit it but after we saw the James Bond movie, I think he got a little crush on Halle Berry.
- Oh, dear God.
- It's true.
Well, he'll be sure to tell her at the next meeting, Mom.
Don't be smart with your mother.
I got a crush on her too, so I'm not gonna tell her about you.
I think you'd steal her away from me.
It's great meeting both of you.
We're crazy about your son.
I hope you have a good time here.
Uh, can I talk to you one second? Ow.
Ow.
He works for a living.
Don't be an ass.
- Okay, can I take you around the studio? - Yes, please.
Graham, you are talented, you are a delight and if I may say, you're a hot buttered biscuit.
Why did you cut my sketch? The thing to remember is it was me who cut the sketch.
It was a producorial decision involving a number of technical factors.
Cameras, grips, a complicated metric of - Why did you cut my sketch? - It wasn't funny.
I thought it was funny.
I thought the writing was funny, but you weren't very good.
Really? Because I thought the writing was one unbearably long set-up for a jingle.
That's why I cut the sketch.
You were in a number of wonderful sketches.
Including a hilarious send-up of your character on Calico Gals.
- Gilmore Girls.
I wrote it down for you.
This is my number if you ever feel like coffee or a basketball game.
Would you give a copy to the girl who plays your kid? - Is sucking-up-to-the-host time over? - Sure, go enjoy the party.
This is humiliating.
Harriet came up here during Sting's last set.
I'm not great at reading these signals, but I think she was about to kiss me.
I saw a hypnotist once who brought an audience member on-stage and removed the number 6 from his consciousness.
He waved a watch, did a thing.
Told the guy to count to 10, the guy could not do it.
He stopped at five.
- Do you wanna book him on the show? - No, I wanna put him on retainer.
I wanna see if he can remove Harriet from your consciousness.
- Who are those women? - See, that was easy.
- I'm not in the mood.
- Change your mood, would you? Now, these three, I don't think broke the bank on their SATs or anything - How recently did they take the SATs? - Don't be a snob.
Okay.
Guys, this is Matt Albie.
- Matt, this is Shana.
- Hi.
- Laci.
- Hi.
- And Treasure.
- Treasure? - I know, it's unusual.
- Oh, no, no, not for Danny.
- Can I push a button? - Sure.
No, not that one! I'm just kidding.
Matt, Laci moved here from Sweetwater, Texas to pursue an acting career.
Shana considers herself more of a personality than an actress.
She'd like to host her own show.
- Like Tyra Banks.
- Awesome role model.
- And Treasure Yes? moved here from Tempe after a year as an exercise and wellness major at Arizona State.
- All three were at the show tonight.
- You're fans of the show? We are now.
We've been dating inside the rock scene but we wanna start looking for mature guys.
And you showed a lot of wisdom coming here for that.
What do you do on the show? I'm an executive producer and the head writer.
- And what does that mean? - I write the show.
LACl: And what does that mean exactly? Writing the show? - I'm fascinated.
- Me too.
It means I work with a staff of very talented writers who feed me Oh, my God.
You guys, I think that's Darren Wells down there.
The baseball player? Look.
LACl: It is.
Oh, Mr.
Yummy.
Forget it.
- Why? Because he's dating Harriet Hayes, I just read about it in Star.
You guys wanna come downstairs and hang out at the party? Oh, yes, please, let's.
LACl: Have you ever met Harriet Hayes? Yeah, I write the show.
I'm not a criminal, I'm not a criminal.
I don't wanna get sent back to Tars and Spars.
- That's my picture.
Please, sir.
No, I'm not a criminal.
Jerry.
It's okay, Mr.
Shanley.
We have to escort you off the property.
Don't have a choice.
- No choice? No choice? No choice at all? - Listen to me.
If you resist, we'll call the West Hollywood Police.
- Now, that's not what you want.
- No choice in the matter, no choice at all.
- Then come on, please.
- Hang on.
- Jerry, what happened? - He got backstage.
He must've been in the audience.
He doesn't have a pass.
- He was trying to take this picture.
- Let me see that.
- What's your name? - What? Sir? - Yeah? I might be able to help you if you give me your name.
Oh, sure, sure, you gotta have a name, yeah.
Name? What's in a name? It's all in the name.
Listen, I don't think this guy is indigent, he's just not dressed for it.
Thing is, this was on the wall in the basement.
He walked by a bunch of open dressing-room doors with wallets and jewelry laid out, he also walked by 50 laptops.
So, what do you think? - He might have Alzheimer's or something No, no.
Can't go back to Tars and Spars.
- What did you say? Sir, what did you say? - He's been muttering about Stars and Bars.
He doesn't wanna go back to Stars and Bars.
Is that a prison? - Tars and Spars.
- Tars and Spars, yeah.
We'll make sure you get a ride to where you live.
Would you mind sitting in here for a few minutes? - No, no, no.
Sir, sir.
I'll make you a deal.
You sit down over here for a few minutes, I'll let you take the picture with you.
Oh, that's a very good bargain.
Yeah.
Oh, that's a good bargain.
It's a good deal.
- What's going on? - He's a fan of Sid Caesar.
Come on.
It began as a burlesque theater called the Addison.
Later I'll show you where Gypsy Rose Lee signed her name on the wall backstage.
- What, the stripper? - The stripper.
- Tell me you don't go to those places.
- I don't.
- Coming in here I saw this neighborhood - I don't, Mom.
I like looking at naked women.
I don't like it to be a crowd experience.
- I don't like this talk.
- I understand.
Anyway, burlesque became vaudeville, and the biggest acts played the Addison.
Don Ameche, Eddie Cantor, Burns and Allen Eva Tanguay, and one night two young guys named Bud Abbott and Lou Costello tried out a new piece of material here called "Who's on First?" - You say that like it's famous.
- It is.
- It's "Who's on First?" - Say it again? Abbott and Costello, "Who's on First?" Dad and I don't watch Comedy Central.
No, it's old.
It's from vaudeville.
It's the most famous piece of American comedy ever.
- And it was genius.
- Well It was, Dad.
I'm amazed that you've never Two guys, and one had bought a baseball team and the other wants to know the players.
The first baseman is named To explain this I think we'd find ourselves in the middle of a whole new sketch.
Let's keep walking.
My God.
Is it possible that is Sting standing over there? That is Sting.
That is the actual Sting.
Now, when you say you write the show, what does that mean exactly? Like in a movie or a play, this show is scripted.
Which is to say, the performers aren't making it up as they go along.
I'm the guy in charge of making up what they do and say.
Do you think one day they might let you be in the show? First of all, they is us.
Him and me, we're the executive producers.
I'm not a performer, I'm a writer.
They are two completely different skill sets Oh, my God, it's Simon Stiles.
- He's coming over here.
Do you know him? - He works for me.
- Hey, Sim.
- Hey, excuse me, I'm sorry.
- Matt, do you have a minute? Introduce us.
- Simon, this is Laci, Shana and Trinket.
- Treasure.
- Treasure.
- How do you do? Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Thanks for saving me.
Ha-ha.
I got a call from Budd Friedman over at the Improv.
He says there's a comic out from New York named Willy Wilson or Willy Wilz he goes by sometimes.
Budd thinks he might be a good writer.
- I don't know him.
- Me neither.
That's why I'd like you to come because he's doing a set at 11.
- I would, but I got Harriet floating around here with Sandy Koufax.
I'm just not in the mood to look at a fake brick wall.
Tell Danny and he'll get tape on the guy.
No, man, don't blow this over to Danny.
If it was Tom or Jeannie or Harry, you wouldn't blow this over to Danny.
If it isn't about writing, I blow everything over to Danny that isn't nailed down.
- Well, this is about writing.
- Okay, wait, I have to go back because there was an implication I treat you differently.
I'd like to see more black writers on your staff.
Or a black writer on your staff.
It's not my staff.
I didn't hire these guys, Ricky and Ron did.
As their contracts run out, we'll see what's what.
- Is this a diversity issue? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- No, it's not a diversity issue.
You might consider, for the hell of it, having somebody who didn't go to Harvard.
I didn't go to Harvard.
If it isn't a diversity issue, then what are you saying? Are you not? - Am I not writing well enough? - Please.
But you think I need help from the bullpen to write for a black guy? There's comedy to be found in experiences that are far removed from your own.
There's a dramatic and musical language in which you're not fluent.
There are a lot in which I'm not fluent.
- Matt - I was a bartender at the Gershwin.
For Patti LaBelle.
And in the main lobby there's this huge bar.
Seven bartenders, one of them black.
At intermission, 2000 people pour into the lobby, 1950 of them black.
And they all line up in front of this guy's station.
I thought, "What are they doing?" They think this is the guy who knows how to make the black drinks? I can mix a Courvoisier and Diet Coke like anybody else.
See, that's a joke you'd never make on the air.
Because your liberal guilt would come spraying out of your ears.
I'm sorry if my on-air material isn't racist enough for you.
It's insulting that there are no black writers in the room.
It's insulting to me that you think I need help.
Well you're just gonna have to be insulted then.
We'll take my car.
I didn't go up there to do anything.
I went up to tell him Simon's mike was open while he was talking to Tom about the "Star-Spangled Banner," The 700 Club and you.
He needed to know that Martha O'Dell had that stuff.
- And you ended up almost kissing him.
- Not even almost.
No reason anyone else needs to know.
Please don't tell Samantha.
- I'm right here.
- Yeah, that's right.
Excuse me.
- Jordan.
Hi.
Hi, Jeannie, Samantha.
Great show tonight.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Hey, we heard you got Trevor Laughlin's pilot script about the U.
N.
Yes.
He was gonna go to HBO, but Danny was the one who talked him over to us.
- Danny's very persuasive.
- Yeah.
So I don't have any friends.
Because you bought Trevor Laughlin's script? No, I mean in general.
I used to have friends, I was popular.
In my yearbook, I was voted Really? - Yeah.
- Just missed that top spot by two.
I know.
Tell me.
Jordan? - Yeah.
- You trying to make friends? - How am I doing? - Fine.
Would you like to hang out? - I would love to.
Give me a chance, you'll find me delightful.
- Let's not go for too much.
Understood.
We've gotta go out there and say hi, but we'll hook up.
- This is so great.
- Relax.
- Okay.
Also, I'm meeting up with a guy.
- Oh, the baseball player? - Darren Wells, yeah.
My secretary had a copy of In Touch on her desk.
There was a blurb about me speculating on men I've been with at underground sex clubs.
- Yeah.
- My father enjoyed reading that.
- I'll bet.
Wanna go out? - Yeah.
How did you guys meet? - Darren and me? - Yeah.
I was singing the national anthem at a Dodger game.
And he signed a bat for me and wrote his phone number on it.
- Oh, nice.
- Yeah.
Any chance he'd write an autograph for my nephew? - He's got a collection.
- Sure.
All right, then my current task is to find a baseball.
- Guys? - Yes.
Have you met Jordan McDeere? - We haven't.
This is Alex Dwyer and Dylan Killington.
I'm a big, big fan.
You guys do a great job.
- Thank you, Miss McDeere, appreciate that.
Call me No, call me Miss McDeere, I like that.
Jordan needs a baseball, I thought one of you might have one.
- Either that or in the prop room.
- Can you help? Sure.
Also, I find myself in the market for some new friends.
So just so you know, if anything develops in that arena, I'm open to it.
Okay, great.
Thank you for waiting.
Tars and Spars, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Listen, what I wanna do is get you home.
You're not in any trouble at all.
I just need your name.
Bessie Biberman.
Bessie Bessie Bessie Biberman.
- B-I-B-E-R - No, no, no.
Scott Trumbo.
Uh Is it Bessie Biberman or Scott Trumbo? Cole Lardner.
Sir, do you have a wallet or any identification? Okay.
What I'd like to do is reach inside your jacket to see if you have a wallet.
I'm gonna bring a third person in.
Frankly, nothing personal, but I need a witness that I didn't do anything wrong.
Would you wait here another moment, please? Good bargain.
That's a good deal.
That's a great, great deal.
It's a steal.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey, where you been? Listen, there's a guy, an old guy, He wandered backstage, and he's lost.
He just kind of mutters like Geoffrey Rush in Shine.
One of the things he said was, "Don't send me back to Tars and Spars.
" That was Sid Caesar's thing.
Yeah, Caesar played saxophone in the Tars and Spars Band during WWll till somebody found out he was funny and they put him out front.
On TV, he'd tell the writers it had to be good.
You don't wanna get sent back to Tars and Spars.
- What's his name? - Gave me three names.
Bessie Biberman, Scott Trumbo, Cole Lardner.
- What? - He's messing with you.
What do you mean? Those aren't three names, they're six names.
Bessie, Biberman, Scott, Trumbo, Cole, Lardner.
- He named you six of the Hollywood Ten.
- This guy's playing me? Let security deal with it.
Can't find his way home but he can do an anagram? In 1926, two brothers named Jack and Harry Warner used the Addison to hold the first test of adding sound to moving pictures.
The Warner brothers bought it and converted it into a movie palace.
The first movie they showed here was The Jazz Singer.
Story of a guy who wanted to do something for a living that his father didn't like.
- I get it, Mark.
- Tom.
Sorry, Tom.
It was a movie theater until November 30th, 1941.
Exactly one week before the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor.
That's when a fledgling network of stations called the National Broadcasting System in an effort to compete with its older and established cousins, CBS and NBC bought the Addison, gutted it keeping all the original architecture and Art Deco fixtures and turned it into a broadcast studio for radio plays.
The most famous of these was a Sunday night series called The Studio 60 Theater of the Air.
After the war, radio gave way to television.
And the first show here was called The NBS Philco Comedy Hour which no one has heard of because it had the misfortune of being programmed first against The Colgate Comedy Hour and then The Texaco Star Theater.
It was canceled after its cast and writing staff were decimated by the blacklist.
In 1959, NBS renamed the theater in honor of its most famous tenant and the Addison became Studio 60.
I've got a question.
- Yeah.
When did you become an interior decorator? - Dad - Art Deco fixtures? I'm telling a story.
I'm trying to take your mind off of it.
- That's what I do.
I don't want you two to fight.
Tommy, tell us how you put the skits together.
We don't do skits, Mom.
Skits are when the football players dress up as the cheerleaders and think it's wit.
Sketches are when some of the best minds in comedy come together and put on a national show that's watched and talked about by millions of people.
Don't you talk to your mother like that.
You're standing in the middle of the Paris Opera House of American TV.
Well, that's swell, Tom but your little brother is standing in the middle of Afghanistan! All right, it's okay.
It's okay.
Hi, guys.
Come on, they only got a minute here.
They don't have time to hear - Thanks.
- No problem.
Not use any bacon and unplug the toaster.
All of a sudden I'm Nicholson in Five Easy Pieces.
Hold it between your knees.
Not a lot of Nicholson fans here tonight, huh? Okay.
Well, folks, our next comic's from New York City.
Where he's been wowing audiences at Dangerfield's and Carolines.
You may have seen him on Showtime at the Apollo.
Let's give it up for Willy Wilz.
Yo, what's happening? Okay, I see we got some white people in the house tonight.
Hi.
I got a little pet name I use for white people.
It's spelled bitches.
I'll tell you what makes me laugh.
Getting in an argument with white people.
Because you can't do it, we don't speak the same language.
In an argument I'll be like, "What? Okay, bitch, you wanna step to me? I'll take your ass outside and give you a beat-down.
" White dude be like, "Okey-dokey, there, homey.
We'll have a tête-à-tête, broham to broham.
" But I don't hate white people.
See, I do love the fact that y'all insist on paying your damn bills on time.
White people go out of town, they pay their light, car, gas, rent, everything.
Months in advance, just in case they get waylaid in Honolulu or something.
When black people go out of town, we say, "See you in court, bitch.
" Matter of fact, if you the landlord and black people go out of town, guess what.
You just got your bitch-ass chumped.
But I will say this, black people make more black people.
We love to have kids, man.
I got baby mamas on top of baby mamas, for real.
I done run out of names for my kids, man.
My next son's name is Oops.
If I have one more kid, I can start my own football team.
Maybe the rest gets better.
I can do the rest.
Something tells me Willy likes his bitches with a big old ass.
I can't resist a bitch with a big old badonkadonk ass I can put a saddle on, be like, "Pow! Pow!" There is nothing like the wit and originality of the differences between white people and black.
Apparently, the biggest difference is we don't pay our bills respect the law, women or each other.
Maybe he just needs What he needs is a bottle of Colt 45 and a bucket of fried chicken, Matt.
- It wasn't that bad.
- Don't patronize me.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I dragged you out here.
- You've better things to do with your time.
- No, I don't.
Come on, let's sit down and have a couple of beers.
Come on.
- All right, I'm buying.
- Damn right.
Okay, sir.
This is Lilly Rodriguez, our assistant director.
I'm gonna reach inside your jacket.
And we score.
"Department of Veteran Affairs.
" - Your name is Eli Weinraub? - Yes, I It doesn't say where he lives.
Does the V.
A.
Have a number I can call this late? I don't know, but I have someone I can call who can access the L.
A.
County database.
Who? - They're gonna be giving me information Is there anyone willing to say a name tonight? Relax, I'm gonna get him home.
Nice trick with the Hollywood Ten, but I'm not as dumb as I look.
Oh, yeah Yeah.
LACl: We've been dating in the rock scene, but we've been thinking about athletes.
Well, that's great, man, because athletes have been thinking about you.
LACl: Yeah? Yeah? - Yeah.
- Like how? Well, like - Excuse me.
Whoa, whoa.
What can I do for you? Nothing, but thanks for asking.
I'm Jordan McDeere, you're drinking my booze.
It's okay, she's the president of the network.
- Sorry about that.
- No problem.
- I'm Darren Wells.
- I know.
- Been reading about you.
- Yeah.
Listen, I was hoping you'd sign a baseball for me.
We've been looking for a baseball, and here's what we've come up with, so This is an orange that Props painted to look like a baseball.
- And this one explodes.
- These are my friends.
It's okay, we got a baseball.
L.
C? Wow, you carry around baseballs.
- That is efficient.
- Yeah.
- So you like the clubs.
- The Cubs? The clubs.
I've been reading.
Oh, come on, give me a break.
Appreciate it, thank you.
So it turns out you're a war hero, huh? We called them over at the Wasserman Assisted Living Residence.
They were very worried about you.
You got a lot of friends over there.
We called you a cab, and Lilly's gonna see you home.
Listen, I'm sorry.
Before the cab gets here I'm a real World War II buff.
I used to set up little scenes with toy soldiers that I'd paint myself.
And then I'd shoot it in Super 8.
Which would help explain why I didn't kiss a girl till I was 19.
You were a part of Flotilla 10? Operation Overlord? - What was Operation Overlord? You'd know it by another name.
- What? - The Invasion of Normandy.
Headquarters, 116th Infantry, you left Weymouth, England on June 5th aboard the USS LCI.
Landing craft didn't get names.
You landed the next day, June 6th.
A manrope ran to the beach weaving between stakes topped with Teller mines.
The thing is, when the tide rose, the boat swung toward a stake and detonated one of the mines, exploding at the port bow.
You took shrapnel in your chest and face.
Is that how you got that scar? Well, anyway you won World War II, so thanks.
- Thank you.
It was nice meeting you.
- Lilly will take care of you from here.
- Come on.
Wait, the picture, I almost forgot.
A promise is a promise.
I don't know why you'd want it, but you worked hard enough to get it, so Cal? What does this look like to you? It looks like that guy's got a scar on his face This is you.
I only had the one sketch get on the air before Before what? Clifford Odets.
I met him once, but no one believes me now.
It was at a dinner at Musso & Frank's.
The night before he was going to Washington to testify.
And he slammed his fist down on the table.
And he said, "By God, I'll show them the face of a radical.
" The next day, he named names.
That's what killed him, you know? He died from that.
We're gonna hold off on that cab for a minute.
Lilly, why don't you put him in the writers' room? I'm living in a new house now.
You haven't been there.
I'm up in the hills near the Hollywood sign.
And from my pool, I can see South Central.
I saw a murder up close when I was 15.
Three guys shot a friend of ours about 10 times in the chest with.
38s.
You know, it doesn't look like it does in the movies.
Ask a homicide cop, it ain't poetry in motion, it's Everything inside comes out of every part of you.
Anyway, we spent the next day planning how we were gonna kill these guys who did it.
When it was time, the leader of the guys I ran with a guy named Donyell, turned to me and said: "You're not going.
" I said, "Like hell I'm not going.
" He said, "You're not going.
You go, and I'll kill you first.
" Those guys are all doing consecutive life sentences.
No chance of parole, they weren't charged as juveniles.
Donyell is in a federal maximum-security facility in Minnesota.
Every month I send him the only things I'm allowed to send him.
Cigarettes and stamps.
I can see it from my pool, Matt.
And if I don't reach in there and grab as many of them as I can carry every day then I deserve to get sent right back to it.
But there's nothing I can do for Willy Wilz.
My name is Darius Hawthorne.
Yeah, wide out for the Bruins or a 19th-century naturalist.
I get that all the time.
Whoever's up there now is getting met with pretty stunning indifference.
"I've got babies' mamas all over the place.
I got so many kids I've run out of names.
" - Hang on.
- "You stepping to, bitch-ass white boy?" - Hang on.
- "I will bitch your ass all over this beyotch.
" Shut up a second.
A life of crime and drugs for me.
And to be completely honest with you, where I come from you could do a whole lot worse.
I'm not sure I'm in step with the African-American community.
I mean, I carry the scars of slavery just like everybody else but somehow it's important to me to know that while slaves we were good when stacked up against other slaves throughout history and I don't know if we were.
I'm looking at the pyramids in Egypt which were built by slaves, and I'm thinking: "Whoa.
Nobody told us we could use geometry.
" Boo.
God sent the Hebrew slaves Moses.
And don't get me wrong, I like the Emancipation Proclamation but the Hebrews got a burning bush plagues, the slaying of the first born, the parting of the Red Sea.
We got a memo.
"Free at last, free at last.
Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last.
" All right, thanks and everything but you were phoning that in, and you know it.
You're boring.
- Lock it out.
I don't think the way I'm supposed to think.
You know, I went to the barbershop sat down in a chair the barber picked up a pair of scissors and lit up a joint at the same time.
The stuff smelled out of this world.
I mean, someone took a lot of care in the growing of this weed.
This is one-hit pot, and he tells me he can sell me some for $ 10.
I should be thinking, "Here's a wasted guy with a pair of scissors pointed at my head.
" But what I'm thinking is: "How can he sell this fine a product at such affordable prices?" Give us some.
- He just needs discipline.
And that's my show.
Hey, man, don't quit your day job.
- I'm Matt Albie, this is Simon Stiles.
- I know.
I know.
Were you just there? - You got your ass kicked.
- I know that too, it was my ass.
No, I don't think you understand.
That was the worst performance I've seen.
Gallagher, anybody.
I'm a pretty bright guy.
I don't need no one coming here telling me I'm no good at this.
Least of all two millionaire movie stars.
- Was this your first time? - No, it was my last.
Good night.
You grew up near SC.
How'd you know that? South or north of the park? - South.
- East or west of Menlo? - East.
- That's mostly dead-end streets.
- I live on one that's not.
- I did too.
- I got a bus to catch.
Where you going? - Hook up with my friends.
Not tonight.
What do you mean? - You're not going.
- Listen, I don't work for you guys.
- Yeah, you do.
You come early, and you stay late.
You listen to everything he says, and you watch everything he does.
- And he's gonna turn you into a writer.
- What the hell are you talking about? You just got hired as a staff writer for Studio 60.
Come back with us now, you'll meet some people.
You're in the batter's box now, boy.
Don't even think about letting me down, all right? - All right? - Yes, sir.
He's still inside.
We're gonna wait for him here.
It was a very nice show, Tommy.
- You were very funny.
- Thanks.
And I know you sent Mark's unit the body armor they needed.
The show's getting advice on the units that need it the most so we'll keep doing that.
- Dad wishes he could help pay for - No, no.
You guys should get started.
It's a long drive to Yosemite.
- You sure you won't spend the night? - You know your father.
Yeah, I do.
- Dad? - We'll take the 134 to 5.
- There shouldn't be much traffic this time - You still have a turntable at home, right? - A record player? - I don't have any use for a CD player, Tom.
- Music sounds just fine to me coming out - No, I I wanted to give you this.
It's a recording of "Who's on First?" You gotta set your turntable to 78.
When you get home, you're gonna laugh.
And you're gonna listen to it over and over again and you're gonna laugh every time.
I love you, Dad.
Whether you like it or not you taught me everything I know.
You all right? You need any money? I'm fine.
- Hey, Jack.
- Oh, don't give me "Hey, Jack.
" Why not? Because I'm looking for a fight, and it's gonna be you.
- No.
- Oh, yeah.
- Really? - Yes, sir.
But before I reach down your throat and squeeze your kidneys with my hand I wanna thank you for helping Jordan acquire for NBS a television series about the United Nations.
That's got smash hit written all over it.
I'm thinking of premiering it against the Super Bowl.
- Jack - America's been waiting for a show about negotiating a lasting peace in Sudan.
- Jack - I hope we'll hold off on the debate over humanitarian aid to Darfur until sweeps.
Aw, it doesn't matter, an episode will be a winner as long as it's about the U.
N.
Because Americans are just crazy about the U.
N.
We just can't get enough of their freewheeling, sexy, buccaneer style.
I foresee a couple of problems.
Like nobody at the U.
N.
Speaks the same language.
But that's okay, because if there's one You see it as part of your job to screw with my company, don't you? No, I do not, that's just one of the perks.
- Fight me right now.
Jack.
- Damn it.
- Excuse me, gentlemen.
Danny, there's somebody you're gonna wanna meet.
- What's going on? - In the writers' room.
I'm majoring in everything Are you going? - Oh! You scared me.
- Sorry.
I left my coat and purse in your room, I hope you don't mind.
- No.
You need to get the baseball signed.
- I did.
He was very nice, thank you.
- What did he write? - You know, it was just Did he write something funny? - It's in my purse.
- Well, can I see? He wrote his phone number, didn't he? I deserved that.
Why? He's the anti-Matt.
I threw the ball in a dumpster.
Then I fell into the dumpster, it's a long story.
For somebody with no friends, you're a natural.
- Yeah? - How did two people beat you out for "Life of the Party"? I know, it's unfathomable.
Fathmumable.
That's a hard word to say.
Fathmumable.
Fathmumable.
- All right, settle down.
- Okay.
Guys, I want you to meet Eli Weinraub.
Freshman writer for The Philco Comedy Hour live from Studio 60.
Hi, I'm Matthew Albie.
I'm the head writer here now.
- Hello.
- Daniel Tripp, I'm the executive producer.
- Good.
- Lf you have three or four hours we'd love you to tell us everything about how the show was run.
Three or four hours.
Not a lot of those people were heard from again.
Were you blacklisted? After one sketch.
You can start by telling us who the other guys are in the picture.
- You can say their names now.
ELl: Oh, all right.
All right.
This is Lou Hauley, he was the funniest guy in the room.
And this is Benny Shapiro, Tony Giannelli.
- Tony never talked, except to Benny.
- That remind you of anybody? This one is Eugene Bookman.
He always liked political humor.
Of course, the network was not comfortable with that in those days.
In those days.
This is Jules Wexler.
He was best at coming up with physical comedy.
A pratfall, a door slamming, a pie in the face.
And, this, this is Rosemary McCann.
I don't know what happened to her.
I know I remember I had a crush on her.
I guess we all did.
You know, sometimes I think the only reason I got a sketch on the air was because I was trying to write well enough so that she would notice me.
Yeah.
Up here on the top are the Goodman brothers who were always very angry because they thought they were funnier than the Marx Brothers.
Nobody is funnier than the Marx Brothers.
Or only sometimes Phil Silvers.
Well, listen, don't tell that to Milton Berle.
He gets very angry.
He's very competitive.