Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006) s01e09 Episode Script

The Option Period

Previously on Studio 60: I've been asked not to appear at the Women United Through Faith concert.
You shouldn't be appearing in front of groups that oppose gay marriage.
This woman has brought shame to your company.
Wilson White's ready to blame her if China deal falls.
I wouldn't get many eggs in Jordan's basket.
I don't think she's gonna make it through this anymore.
I wanna know what you and Shelley are doing about this round of press.
Make it stop.
Matt, do you think there's any chance you might stop being pissed at us? Not a big chance, no.
Want us to quit? - Badly.
You think it's gonna happen? - Not a big chance, no.
Roll credits.
Cal, where are you going? We're still rolling.
Sorry, Cal.
Here you go.
Hey, Cal.
Hey, you know what happened? - You get here from control room fast.
- Know what happened? - What? - I'm asking if you know the cause.
Cal, I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
- Did you watch the show tonight? Yeah.
All of it? What the hell is going on? We got to good-nights 37 seconds early.
Danny had to have Jessica Simpson fill.
Nice girl, nice performer, don't want her to extemporize on our air.
She had time to thank her pets and ask us to pray for peace in the Midwest.
I'm sure she meant "Middle East.
" - I know she meant that.
- How is this our fault? - I'm not saying it is.
- I'm asking if you know what happened? - No.
Wait.
You printed the scripts out in the wrong format.
This is half-hour, we do our show on 40-second page.
Script department prints the scripts.
Who's the supervisor for the script department, Rick? Want me to chew out a bunch of interns who drive Honda Civics? - Or you think it should be you two? - I vote for the interns.
Before you leave for the wrap party, stick around.
Have somebody put an as-aired script in 40-second page for closed captioning.
We also blew a couple of cards in the Visa sketch.
Who supervises the cards, Rick? We forgot to change formats.
And we're out.
- What happened with the blood? - Had a talk with the guy, it was a sub.
- FX a sub? What happened? - Yeah.
You don't wanna know.
Yes, I do.
- He said it wasn't realistic.
- What wasn't? He felt the amount of blood you asked for wasn't realistic.
- I'm gonna go out of my mind.
- That's why The sketch was called "Quentin Tarantino's Hallmark Movie: Turkey Won't Die.
" It's about a mortally wounded turkey that won't die, even while being served.
Did he find the premise realistic? I made that point.
If geysers of blood are gushing out, then I get the Tarantino joke, and it's funny.
If it's just a realistic amount of blood, then it's extremely disturbing.
- I made that point as well.
- Fire him.
- I would if he worked here.
- He's a sub.
- Right.
- Damn it.
- Yeah.
- I wanna fire somebody.
- Look around at the party.
- We blew a card in the Visa sketch.
- Yeah? - Alex saved it but not by much.
Considering me and the cast spent the day in Pahrump, Nevada.
- I thought it was a good show.
I did.
- Yeah? Indiana, Illinois, Missouri.
- Are rebel forces gathering? - No.
- Why are we praying for the Midwest? - Girl's nice to look at.
- Good thing.
- Let's go to the party.
Hey, good show.
- You saw it? - I saw the end.
I think we should take a moment to consider the suffering in Des Moines.
For reasons I'll get to the bottom of, we came down a little early.
And I had to ask Jess to fill.
Well, you put the show in steady hands.
- I left a message.
- I returned that call.
- I returned that call.
- I returned that call.
Then I left another message.
- I returned that call.
What do you need? - Gonna make myself a drink and weep.
- Let's go.
- I need to speak to you.
Let's do it at the party.
No, I want the party to be a party.
Let's do business and get out of here.
Do business? What am I, from the Tattaglia Family? Are either of you concerned that I tanked tonight? - You didn't tank.
- I sure did.
Didn't.
Hang on, I'm curious.
What if you did tank? What are you afraid would happen? Strangers wouldn't like me, friends, the network the press, women wouldn't like me, and Harriet wouldn't like me.
- Is he in therapy? - No, he's got me.
Is this important? - What? What you need to talk about? Yes.
- Harriet.
- Oh! - What do you want? - We wanna talk.
At the party, when I'm not in my underwear.
- We'd like to talk now.
- Why? Because this is an intervention.
Turn around, turn around.
Stay turned around.
People knock on closed doors in America.
- Look - Were the two of you raised on a farm? - I was.
- I was raised over a heroin dealership.
That's no excuse for bad manners.
Harry, we see you do quick changes every week, we've seen you in your underwear.
That's backstage, that's doing a show.
I don't wear my bikini to the grocery store.
- Bet you'd get a good deal on the food.
- How did you know about the magazine? These things are in the air supply.
It's show night.
People are coming and going, you can't say it's this person or that person Jeannie.
- I tried to keep Jeannie out of it.
- Well done.
Open the door, Jeannie.
Are you climbing out the window? I'm not climbing out the window.
I'm not a child.
- I was pretending I wasn't here.
- You told Tom and Simon.
- Oh, about the - Yes, and please don't say it out loud.
- Yes, I did.
- Why? - Was I not supposed to do that? - No.
- Then I am at fault.
- Yes.
In fairness, I didn't know it was in confidence.
Except for when I said, "Can I tell you something in confidence?" - You were talking about this? Oh, please.
- Jeannie If you told me in confidence that you were about to take bear tranquilizers you don't think I'd tell? Okay, before we go any further, please promise me that if my life is ever in jeopardy, there'll be people you'll call before them.
- What's up? - Thanks, guys.
I've been under arrest most of the day because of you.
And my joint's still in Nevada.
I'm just saying.
Okay, I'm going in my dressing room now closing the door, and changing for the party.
At the party, pretend you don't know me.
You all get one night in the penalty box.
I'm Harriet Hayes.
The cool people are gonna gravitate to me.
Heh.
The gay people are gonna gravitate to you.
If any of them are cool, they're gonna gravitate to me.
Let's not be delusional.
I could've joined the CIA.
They wanted me.
Harriet.
Harriet.
All right, so the cat's out of the bag.
Now let us talk to you.
Then we have to go on record saying that at this point in your career with the kinds of doors that are open to you, it's a mistake to pose for a layout in Get in here.
As much as I'd pay way more than the newsstand price There are people out here.
What did you end up deciding with Harriet? It was up to her, but they ended up telling her they didn't want her.
- Oh, you're kidding.
- What was this? Harriet was scheduled to appear in concerts around the country for a group called Women United Through Faith.
- She's been active since she was little.
- They didn't like her quote? They felt she seemed to be endorsing gay marriage and this wasn't the right time.
She's gonna get slammed by Out Magazine for seeming to be against gay marriage.
And I think it takes a special kind of rhetorical talent to say something that draws an admonition from both groups at the same time.
I came here, told her that with the quote, she shouldn't be doing concerts for groups that are vocal in their opposition.
She didn't care about her career at that moment.
- They told her to stay home? - Yeah.
What did you need to talk to us about? Does he ever just let you breathe and stretch? Does he always have to get right to the point? Does he ever not give you the feeling you're impeding his path to the important thing he has to do? Yeah, can you move it along a little? I wouldn't mind getting out of here either.
- The deal in Macau's gonna happen.
- Thanks to me.
- How's it thanks to you? - I guess it's not.
Yeah, but obviously, as a result, TMG's gonna take on debt.
I know what's coming.
How much? A professor used to say when you owe the bank a hundred, you're in trouble.
You owe the bank a thousand, they're in trouble.
We're gonna owe $ 11 billion.
They don't wanna be in trouble.
Before they give Wilson their card, they have to see budget cuts.
In every department of every division of every property.
- Go ahead and get rid of Danny.
I can't.
He's the one who's gotta fire 15 employees.
- I'm not firing 15 guys on the crew.
- Don't have to be from crew.
- Can be from office staff.
- I'm not firing.
Willing to take a pay cut? No, but I'm willing to stay at home and watch the show on TV for free.
- Know anything about debt-to-equity ratio? - I think I know something.
Measure of a company's financial leverage.
Calculated by dividing long-term debt by stockholder equity.
No, I don't know anything.
A high ratio means a company has been aggressive in financing its growth through borrowing.
This can result in volatile earnings from additional interest expense and a lack of A lack of confidence from the stockholders.
- It wasn't a good show tonight.
It wasn't.
- It was fine.
- Excuse me.
That's why budgets are cut.
- Yeah? Here at TMG, but here at Studio 60, our ratings are up.
We're responsible for more revenue.
That's why your pattern budget's being reduced.
I can't reduce our pattern budget without laying people off.
Right.
What you don't wanna start thinking about is product placement.
- I know.
- Last thing you wanna think about.
- It is.
I was using reverse psychology.
- Start thinking about product placement.
- Whoa there, nugget.
I'm not talking about anything big.
Just, like, "Nokia Presents News 60.
" Or we just put "Pennzoil" on Simon's forehead.
If that makes you happier.
- Excuse me.
Sorry about the timing.
- What happened? - It was my fault.
- What happened? I'm about to go to a party where people are gonna ask me.
Tell them it was my fault.
I can't blame other people for the same reason you can't.
So I need to blame him.
What happened? Ricky and Ron didn't switch the format back to 40-second page.
Why didn't you say so? I'm never so happy as when it's them.
- That's why I didn't say so.
- Switch from what? - What? - Why were they off 40-second page? - They were working in half-hour format.
- Why? They're writing a pilot script.
- Know anything about this? - No.
Do you? - No.
Do you? - No.
Do you? Fellas, dance with me all you want, but before you go you're gonna identify 15 below-the-line salaries to be cut from your budget.
Go for three, go for three.
Go, go, go.
There's a game in overtime if anybody wants to watch.
- What game? - Muncie State and Iowa A&M.
- Clash of the titans.
- Any game's good in overtime.
Are they allowed to shop a pilot? - What do you care? - Aren't they exclusive? I'm sure they can write whatever they want on spec.
Not if they're banking good material instead of giving it to him.
I don't think Ricky and Ron have a secret trove of material they've been saving.
- Why do you care? - I just wanna screw with them.
Can we find out if they're allowed to do this? My assistant Kevin is at the office.
If I have him pull the contract, will you two have a serious conversation about product placement? - What's serious? - You have to listen while I speak.
Hmm.
No, this I cannot do.
Call your assistant.
What was it you wanted to talk to me about? Just something Jack said on the way to Nevada.
- What? - We'll do this first.
I won't be able to concentrate.
Kevin, it's me, can you pull the contracts on Richard Tahoe and Ron Oswald? I'm gonna hang on.
- Oh, oh.
While I'm thinking of it, are either of you attached to Peripheral vision Man? - No.
- No.
Why? An option on underlying material expires today.
I can renew it for a hundred dollars if you want.
- Save the money.
- Now I don't have to fire anybody.
Thank you.
If 15 people are willing to split a hundred dollars.
Search for language about exclusivity and call me back? I'll be on my cell.
Thanks.
- So what was it Jack was saying to you? - We're not there yet.
You're speaking, I'm listening.
Product placement, two minutes.
I'm your boss, I think I'll take as much time as I want.
There are two minutes left in overtime.
I was talking to Cal, I can see it on the monitor.
We've got a couple too many things going on at once.
You've got our undivided attention.
Not one of those cheerleaders would go out with me after tonight's show.
- Matt? - Yeah, I'm here.
Oh! Oh! You're a big girl.
If you wanna do it, I won't stand in your way.
- I'm leaving.
- You shouldn't do it.
You guys are acting like I'm posing nude.
It's a lingerie spread, it's nothing.
You screeched when we saw you in your underwear.
Once again, there is such a thing as context.
You said you were passing on this.
You laughed.
- I haven't said yes yet.
- But you laughed, you said no.
Well, they came back and sweetened the offer.
Heh, heh.
To what? - They said I could choose my own stylist.
Well, then I don't see how you could possibly turn it down.
- Look - I'm all for you taking your clothes off.
You should take your clothes off as much as possible.
I wanna know what made you change your mind.
- I don't need to tell you.
- Do it anyway.
I'm not your little sister.
- Yeah, you are, so tell me anyway.
I'm considering it, I'm just considering it.
What made you change your mind? - Well, first, I guess Debra got the movie.
- I didn't know that.
There was feedback that it's not that she was sexier, but she's thought of as sexier.
It's hard to follow that logic, but it seems to be synonymous with "we wanted someone sexier.
" You know how many movies Tom hasn't gotten because he wasn't manly enough? It's gotta be like this? You don't see him on the cover of Field and Stream.
I don't understand why you two are in a lather.
What happened to, "You're uptight, you're repressed.
" I meant that as a compliment.
- I'm going to the party.
I'm not kidding.
Trust me, I'm still repressed.
There's nothing wrong with sitting for a shoot in any state of dress in any magazine you like.
It's not surprising there would be an interest in seeing more of you.
- You make it sound so hot.
- Listen to me.
- I'm going to the party.
For a second.
You guys are sweet.
They want skanky pictures of the church girl, Harry.
They want you because you're perceived as pious.
They're paying for money shots of the church girl.
They're not objectifying me? They are, but not in the way you want.
- So this is your point? - Yes.
And it only took us a half an hour to get there.
What are those guys still doing up there? I don't know.
- Is there still food in the green room? - I very much think we should go see.
- What's wrong with you? - I don't know.
Let me tell you, that Quentin Tarantino's turkey was just disturbing.
I hear that.
Introducing product placement We're not introducing.
Product placement is here.
Last year, the 10 most saturated primetime shows displayed 9000 brands, did you notice them? - No.
I didn't watch television last year.
- See? What were you doing? - Having a film career.
- Good.
- What are you thinking? Simon turns to the camera and says, "After a long night of being satirical I lace up a pair of Adidas?" Yeah, that's what I'm thinking, know why? Because I'm craven and stupid.
Give an idea of what you're picturing in terms of practical application If you could shut your bazoo for a second, then I'll tell you what I'm picturing.
- Go ahead.
- There's level one.
That's integrating signage into the set.
Like at a basketball arena? Exactly.
And you know this isn't a basketball arena, right? Again, no, because I'm quite daft.
These are routine questions.
Level two, bumpers in and out.
"Tonight's musical guest brought to you by the new Universal Pictures release: Galaxy Gladiators Avengers of Boldness.
" - All right.
- Two.
The final level is product integration.
This is the big prize.
Harriet uses a Nokia phone, Tom uses an Apple computer the band plays Gibson guitars.
We're gonna have a whole band of guitar players? No, just the guys who play the guitar.
Seems to me that whatever ad revenue we got from Gibson would be squandered on our electric bill if we've got 14 guys on guitar.
Oh, how I love the Eastern Witty Boys.
- I'm not sure we could plug them all in.
- Gone into a second overtime.
How do you feel about changing the band? - To what? - Fourteen Gibson guitars.
- Anybody playing them, or - No, just the guitars.
Do we have an answer on can Ricky and Ron be writing a pilot? - Kevin hasn't called, should be any minute.
- All right, watch this.
Ring.
- There it is.
That is mojo, baby.
Oh! Check it out! - My boy's got skills.
- Mad skills.
That was sick! That was some Vulcan Mind Meld mojo.
- Right in the kitchen.
- You're a prophet.
- How do we find out? - Things like this.
- Where was that mojo when I needed it? - You had it.
- Get the audience back, let me do it again.
- Would you shut up? - Yeah? - I'm gonna take you on tour with that thing.
Once the show gets out, you cannot get it back, you can't un-ring a bell.
- It was a good show.
- Stop saying that.
- Shh! - We're talking quietly.
- They're exclusive.
- I don't know what that was about then.
- They have an exception.
- For what? - You're kidding.
For what? They have an exception for Peripheral vision Man.
Thanks, Kevin.
- When's the option up? - In about an hour and a half.
It's tied again.
Are Ricky and Ron still here? They're supervising the as-aired script.
What's going on? We're pretty sure the co-execs are gonna quit tonight.
Oh.
Hmm.
- You understand, right? I'm sorry? - You understand? - Of course.
- I gotta take care of the more senior guys.
- Is satellite spelled with two L's? - Yeah.
- Darius? Two L's, yeah.
Matt would've fired the senior guys, Lucy, soon as their contracts were up.
You're good-looking, have an English accent, he won't let you go.
Richard, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about my writing.
Come on, Luce.
Guys? - You haven't gone to the party yet? - No.
Lucy, Darius, can you give us the room a second? What's going on with Peripheral vision Man? You know, maybe it would be better if we let the agents do their jobs at this point.
Okay.
No, wait, hold on.
Ricky.
We set Peripheral vision Man up at Fox.
They're ordering six half-hours for mid-season, Ron and I are gonna run it.
We weren't allowed to say anything - You weren't allowed? - You know how it is.
- I don't, actually.
NBS Studios has the option until midnight so You left final draft in half-hour format instead of 40-second page.
That's why we got a plea for peace in Indiana from Jessica Simpson.
We know, we're sorry about that.
- We thought you'd be thrilled.
- Yeah? You get us out of here without eating our contracts.
Peripheral vision Man isn't any good, Ricky.
And Studio 60's a brand, and so am I.
And people are gonna assume that I had something to do with it.
Why isn't it good, Matt? - Because you didn't write it? - It isn't good because it isn't good.
Have McDeere tie up the option, she'll do whatever the cool guys tell her.
The first time anyone's accused me of being cool.
And I don't think you know Jordan well.
She's yet to do anything anyone has told her to do.
"Matt, Danny, we have an opportunity to do this thing at Fox.
Will you help us out?" That's how a man talks.
Do you care that we didn't do a very good show tonight? I thought it was fine, Matt.
But I'm sorry if your ego can't sustain a week of not being called genius.
- Descent, spelled with S.
- You gonna let us have it? I don't know.
Without the S, it's "decent.
" It's sexy that I'm devout? Yeah.
That's counter-intuitive.
Not really.
It's like the East German figure skaters.
There was a sexiness added value before the Berlin Wall came down.
- Like Jackie Kennedy.
What'd she do? Larry Flynt saved Hustler with pictures of Jackie Kennedy sunbathing in Greece.
- You're saying it's like that.
- It's more like Jessica Hahn.
- With Gary Hart on the boat? - That was Donna Rice.
Hahn was on Playboy for being a church secretary who had an affair with Jim Bakker.
- Then who's Fawn Hall? - Oliver North.
Think 15 years from now, my name will be part of this conversation? I'm still working on the added value of communist ice skaters.
But he's making a good point.
- They're fetishizing that I worship.
Yes.
Well Okay, they're exploiting me and I'm exploiting them.
- They're getting the better end.
- Why? They're enhancing themselves and you're diminishing yourself.
- How am I? - You know what we're talking about.
Don't put yourself in a bargain bin because Debra Messing got a movie.
You're a singer who's starred on Broadway, a recording artist.
A world class comedienne who might be the only woman who's transcended sketch comedy to become a serious actress.
And it's all happened at just the right times.
Right now, you're a classy get.
You do this other thing, and you're Kmart.
- I'll have to live with that.
- You will have to.
They don't think I'm sexy, Simon.
They will if you show them you're sexy.
They won't if you show them your ass.
Get that off a fortune cookie? What about the show? What about it? Forget about you.
Let's talk about the show.
You think a cast member doing this would be bad for a late night show? - Not for the ratings.
Good.
I can't pass a bus stop without seeing Jeannie in a bra and panties.
We're not looking to her for cover.
- What's cover? Every time we poke fun at the religious right we can blunt their reaction by pointing to you.
God, Tommy.
That sounded a little more crass than I would have liked it to.
- Yeah? Pay me.
- Harry - What? - Pay me.
These guys want me to pose so their readers can get off on a Jesus freak.
You wanna hide behind one so you can make your jokes.
- At least they're paying.
- You get paid here too.
To be funny.
The figure skaters really became less appealing when the Cold War ended? That's him.
I guess it's me too.
- Thank you.
- Shut up.
Studio 60 doesn't cost the network money, Jordan, it makes the network money.
- I understand - You wanna know how much? Our license fee is 2 million per show.
We're clearing 120,000 for a 30-second spot.
We air 26 minutes of commercials.
Now, five of the those minutes are network promos and bumpers, eight are local.
That's revenue, but we'll only deal with the 13 minutes left over.
Thirteen minutes of commercials at 120,000 per 30 seconds times 22 shows minus the license fee is a hard dollar profit $24,640,000 per season.
So tell me again why we have to lay off 15 people.
NBS and TMG can't just take the money for food and rent and give the rest away: That's not what a publicly held company does, and you know that.
I am here, trying to work within the rules of the market for a creative solution that would both Reducing Studio 60 to an extended commercial for iPods is a solution that would be calamitous.
Calamitous, Danny? It's a carefully cultivated audience that knows when Excuse me, but the cultivated audience is in the mezzanine section at La Scala.
They like iPods and so do I.
The show has existed for 20 years to satirize the establishment.
We can't do that if we are the establishment.
We already run commercials.
It's understood, part of the vocabulary of television.
This other thing is endorsement.
Moreover, Sony and Samsung aren't credible critics of American culture and politics.
- Then don't go with Sony and Samsung.
- I can't go with anybody.
I understand, just give me the names of the people who just lost jobs so you can feel superior.
- Yeah, it's all true.
- What? They've got it set up at Fox for mid-season.
It's a put pilot with six on the air.
You didn't know about this? Business Affairs asked if I wanted to hold the option, I asked you.
- With an hour left.
- I didn't anticipate anyone wanting to do Peripheral as a series.
Neither did I.
I also didn't anticipate Fox airing a contest of strength between an elephant and dwarves.
That one caught us all by surprise.
Hey, lighten up, Matt, you've been wanting to get rid of these guys since you got here.
It's gonna cut into work time if I have to go to everyone in America and explain to them I didn't write Peripheral vision Man.
The show is making a massive comeback.
It's the stupidest time to have an ugly step-child out.
You want me to pick up the option? Yes, please, lock up the option and shut the thing down.
You ever gonna tell me what you and Jack talked about on the plane? You're about to get fired.
They're still tied at the end of the third overtime.
He was in a pretty bad mood all day.
- Jack.
- He was an errand boy for Zhang Tao.
He was like a publicist's assistant for his daughter.
He's gotta get Tommy out of jail, he's getting yucked with by the judge - And I'm in the papers again.
- Yeah.
- And he said he wants to fire me? - No, he said the exact opposite.
He likes you.
He made that clear while yelling at Zhang.
Why was he yelling at Zhang? His daughter incorrectly translated Mandarin.
Why wasn't he yelling at Zhiang's daughter? Why was he yelling at anybody? The kid reads the gossip columns.
She saw the thing, showed it to her father.
Her father called your ex-husband dishonorable, but the kid thought she said - It doesn't matter.
- It's just my life.
It's the board of TMG.
They don't like your style.
They don't like the gossip.
Don't like the way you dealt with the Christian right.
- Don't like your ex-husband - I don't either.
- They don't like the noise.
- He told you that.
- Yeah.
- Why would he tell you? - I think he wanted me to tell you.
- Why? - In the hope you'd do something about it.
- In the press? - Yeah.
- Like what? A charm offensive.
Ha.
Those two words don't really go together, do they? - Look - Like jumbo shrimp.
- You should - Or real artificial butter.
- I think he's got a point.
- Yeah? I think you should sit with him and Shelly, and whoever you like and trust - No.
What was I doing? - Jordan.
- What was I doing? - Calling to tie up the option.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
- Why? - This just doesn't feel right.
How much time can you give me? Option's up in an hour and 13 minutes so I can give you about an hour.
All right, I'll be back in a few minutes.
- Where are you going? - Just walking around.
- Listen No.
Just to be clear.
- I understand.
You're clear.
None of this should take away the fact that we are in favor of women in underwear.
- True story.
- We are pro female nudity.
That can't be said enough times.
You're testing that theory, but again, I understand.
- I'll meet you at the party? Sure.
Man getteth himself into danger legitimately so that he mayeth be legitimately rescued.
- What are you still doing here? - Just some stuff upstairs.
- And what did you just say? - A-ha! I was quoting the Bible.
Man getteth himself into danger legitimately so that he mayeth be legitimately rescued.
Yeah, that's not the Bible, it's Robert Frost.
- Yeah? - Yes.
- Well, I'm sure he liked Jesus.
- Prob Ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, probably.
Ahem.
I'm psyched for this photo shoot of yours.
I wanna commission a scientific study of how news travels in this building.
I'm not even sure there's a thing as the Internet.
It might just be Jeannie telling everyone stuff.
- What do you think? - Me? - Yeah.
- I think if you wanna put on La Perla pose for a great photographer, then it's Christmas morning for me.
- Thank you.
Except you don't want to.
You're doing it to get back at Women United Through Faith.
- They were wrong to dis-invite me.
- You should tell them that.
I've worked hard for them.
I raised money for them, awareness.
And tell them that.
You don't even like them.
You do.
And if there were more people like you in organizations like that then I would like them more.
Just call them.
I don't have anything to say to them.
If you don't have anything to say to them tonight, that's fine.
Tonight, get drunk at the party, pretend you're getting back at them by doing a lingerie shoot.
If you want, you can even describe your vengeance to me very slowly.
Young girls look up to me, Matt.
You know, in the same way young boys don't care about you at all.
Well, do this layout and both boys and girls will be looking up to you at a carwash.
People getting their cars washed need, you know Or airport travelers? Fifteen-year-old boys whose moms won't let them buy real porn? All good causes.
You wanna write them a check and I'll match it? - You know - Your relationship is with God.
Not Women United Through Faith.
Just call them and work it out.
If you can't, start your own group.
But don't be vengeful, you never are.
It's what people love about you.
Just call them.
Be not afraid of who you are.
That's not the Bible either, but see how I made it sound like it? Yes.
It's the result of proper training.
- You gonna go to the party? - In a few minutes.
- I'll see you there? - Okay.
Nothing says you can't do the pictures and then in a limited release sort of Just shut it, shut it down.
- Special edition kind of - Shut it all the way down.
All right.
I'm finished.
It's done? I meant my career.
That is just not true.
If things don't work out for you here, you can go back and write Benny Hill.
- Bite me.
- Give me a kiss.
I don't think so.
Hi.
That was to be mean to you.
Goodbye.
- You just keep walking.
- Yes, sir.
I think you both put up with a lot of crap and humiliation from me.
And I'm gonna let you go.
- Really? - Yeah, but I don't think you should.
Why not? Because Peripheral vision Man isn't gonna be good.
It'll get canceled, you'll be out of work, and I won't be able to hire you.
I knew he couldn't let us go with a handshake.
Rick, I'm not talking ab I'm not talking about old stuff.
I'm telling you this writer to writer.
You're gonna get killed.
- And you're taking him with you.
- He's a grown man, makes up his own mind.
And he's not the only one I'm taking with me.
- Who else? - Everybody.
- Yeah? - You get Lucy and the new guy.
- Darius.
- Yeah.
- Guys, let's not end it like this.
- I don't care how as long as we end it.
Rick.
- Listen Rick, the primetime landscape isn't the same as it was when we were coming up.
There are half as many jobs for comedy writers now as there were then.
Stop being mad at me.
We should stop being mad at you? We could write the greatest sketch in the world.
We could write the 2000 Year Old Man.
You won't recognize it because it came from us.
Maybe, but that's not why I'm telling you this.
You're our guys, you have a history, I'm looking out for you.
I'm moved.
- That is so typically condescending of you.
Ricky You narcissistic horse's ass.
When Harry realizes she's already found the man of her dreams - I hope she screws him right in front of you.
- Rick, enough.
The writers all have options to come work with me on this.
You can keep them here with a salary and title bump.
The show sucked tonight.
And no, I don't care.
I've been his partner my whole career.
- You know, it's like you and Danny.
- Ron Nobody noticed he got dropped on his head when you guys came here.
In the press, at the network In this building, Matt.
Nobody noticed in this building.
I'll see you.
- Ronny? - Yeah? - You're using a voiceover? - We need it for the exposition.
Voiceover's gonna kill you.
Give him a sidekick, a new character you introduce at the beginning of first episode.
Color Blind Boy, Cataract Kid, whatever.
Give him somebody to talk to.
That's a good note.
I appreciate it.
Don't tell him it came from me.
- Are we gonna be fired? You're just gonna wish you'd been.
When I took the job, I decided I wanted to pretend I only had a year to live.
Seriously.
I mean, what you do in my job if you only had a year to live and no one knew it.
Do you ever play that game? No.
- Lf what you're saying is true - Just fix the press.
Then maybe I don't have to pretend anymore.
- Pretend what? - That I only have a year to live.
- Don't have to pretend.
- Fix the press.
- I would be completely untethered.
- You're heading in that direction.
Have to get the network pregnant fast, gotta fix a slate of shows, I'll have to Some writers' agents are about to have a good week.
I'll have to give them all colossal guarantees so we can't dump them till they've done 13.
Listen to me, you're very winning.
Not to me but to everyone else.
People who've met you like you, only the ones who don't know you who have a problem.
Go out there and control your own press.
Wow, man.
Heh.
Danny, would you go around trying to get people to like you? No.
I'm gonna show you something and I don't think it's stupid.
It comes from a creative place, it might help solve a problem.
Since most of the 15 people would come from my departments.
- I followed some of that.
- What's been your favorite home base? - What do you mean? - Permanent set.
- Your favorite since the show went on air.
- None.
Right, we've never found it.
- We're working on it.
- The Hollywood sign.
It's the most viewed landmark in the world.
It beats the Eiffel Tower.
And don't say the Santa Monica Pier.
- Downtown.
- Downtown isn't where L.
A.
Is.
It's not.
L.
A.
's on Sunset between Doheny and Highland.
It's the Sunset Strip, and Wes knew that because he put it right in the title.
Hey, I would love to do the strip.
But if you think about it, it's made up almost entirely Of billboard ads.
This is both good and profitable.
Yeah.
- You know how that confuses me.
- I do.
We've entered into a new condition.
Look at this.
Where the hell has this been? Let's tell her.
You set up meetings for us with reps who wanna place their products on our show.
- You're kidding.
- No, but I have to tell you.
- It's gonna be a strange screening process.
- Based on what? The aesthetic of their logo and the sense of Americana it evokes.
Usually, we just ask them cash or check.
You're saying you'll consider it? We'll consider it for now.
Can we keep the 15 jobs? - I'll consider it for now.
- "Room in the budget," words I love.
There's gonna be more room than you think for a while.
Why? - Let the rights go.
- Let Ricky and Ron go too.
- You sure? Yeah, we're gonna let most of the writing staff go.
How many is most? Everybody but Lucy and Darius.
Lucy's never had a sketch on and Darius has been working here five days.
We'll staff back up.
Till we do, it's gonna be you and two freshmen.
That's two writers more than I had before.
It's gonna be fine.
- You see what happens? What's she talking about? - She's becoming untethered.
- You'll get used to it.
Are we going to this party? - Great, let's go.
I'd kind of like to watch tape.
See if I can figure out where I went wrong with the show tonight.
I'm sure you're being crazy and it was a good show.
- All right, one more hour then we go? - Sure.
- Yeah.
Let's check out the tape.