Suburgatory (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

The Chatterer

(Tessa) In the animal kingdom, when a young primate is without its mother (Doorbell rings) (Man singing indistinctly in African dialect) A neighboring matriarch will often assume responsibility.
What's this? Are you kidding? Again with the no pudding.
This is absurd.
Who made you that lunch? The thing is, dad was pretty territorial himself.
I don't know, George.
One of the moms.
Which mom? Sheila? Was it Sheila Shay? Okay, look, sometimes Sheila makes me lunch, and it's usually pretty good.
She's a magician with the chicken salad.
A magician? Really? Yeah, but recently, she's been crapping out on the pudding, and (Inhales sharply) I'm not sure how to broach it.
You don't think it's a little weird that she makes you lunch You're the one who wanted to move here.
Not me.
When I leave you lunch money every day? Almost every day.
You forgot twice last week.
But it's not a big deal, George.
On the days you forget, I either go surrogate brown bag, or I withdraw cash from the college fund that Sheila started in my name.
I mean, you're kidding.
It's a very robust account.
Throws off (Whispers) A lot of interest.
It wasn't just the college fund that was bothering dad.
Thank you, George.
The neighborhood thanks you.
- It was Sheila Shay.
- Ha! You missed a spot.
She said she was just being "neighborly," but it was pretty obvious she was trying to co-parent, one capful at a time.
Get your bag.
I'm driving you to school today.
Are you sure? Because Sheila offered.
Get your bag.
(Woman) last night I had a pleasant nightmare da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da Let's get involved, moms.
Without the "P," we're just "T" and "A.
" Hey, step it up, Karen.
All hands on deck.
What deck? Oh, George! Hey.
I'm just doing a little P.
We lost Joann Junebach.
She was the one who was arrested for giving her daughter Botox.
She gave her daughter Botox? Anyhoo, Joann lost custody, and after that, she really fell apart.
Well, sure.
I imagine, losing your daughter No, I'm talking about her daughter.
Without the Botox, she fell apart.
(Scoffs) 15 going on 50.
I swear, the saddest thing.
She got these And then she got these Tessa! All good on lunch? All good on lunch.
Oh, all good on lunch, Sheila.
Bye, honey.
(Clears throat) Bye.
Look, I-I-I really appreciate the gesture, but you don't need to do that anymore.
I've got it covered.
You can stop.
It's my sincere pleasure, George.
I don't think you understand.
What I'm saying is I want you to stop.
(School bell rings) I understand what you're saying, but I'm not gonna stop.
Bye, mom.
See, as President of the P.
, I see all the children as my own.
- I said bye.
- That's why each and every one of them gets my undivided attention.
I'm going to class.
All right! You're going to class.
I'll see you at pickup, honey.
You know, maybe I should join the P.
Sounds sounds like a fun way for a hands-on parent such as myself to get involved.
(Gasps) (Laughs) You in the P.
? God, no.
Are you telling me I cannot join the P.
? No, I'm telling you you shall not join the P.
- I can't? - You shan't.
Oh, but I shall, Sheila.
The thing is, I shall.
My, this is getting downright elizabethan.
The school hallway can be a hostile environment, so I decided to take a cue from the giant mudskipper of Borneo and burrow in the girls' room.
(Knock on door) (Mr.
Wolfe) Tessa, can I come in? (Door creaks) What are you doing in the girls' room? I could ask you the same thing.
Tessa, your third period is an elective.
I know.
I elect to read In the bathroom.
There are many enriching electives to choose from Day trading (Telephone rings) Flat-ironing Drama Because I said that I was into him, and you both went for him anyway.
- We didn't go for him, Kimantha.
- He went for us, Kimantha.
Kaitlyn, Kenzie, you skanks are real whores.
- You're a whore! - No, you're a whore! You're a whore.
Yeah, I'd like to avoid dealing with the K.
(Kaitlyn) - You're a whore! (Kimantha) - No, you're a whore.
Kenzie, Kaitlyn, and Kimantha.
- You're both whores.
- Okay Tessa, I'm stumped.
What kind of elective are you interested in? Do you have anything unpopular and poorly supervised? School newspaper.
But you don't want that.
Don't I? (Keyboard clacking) Located in the basement, "the Chatswin chronicle" was the perfect place (Knock on door) to fly below radar.
(Door squeaks) Hello? Hello.
I'm Tessa.
I signed up for the school newspaper as an elective or whatever.
Look, I don't know what you're expecting, but you're gonna need to lower your expectations.
I think we're good.
I expect nothing.
No one reads "the Chatswin chronicle.
" They line the hamster cage with it in the science lab.
They clean up vomit with it in the cafeteria.
I'm told they use three copies to steady a table leg in the teachers' lounge.
I think that hurts the most.
So if no one reads it, why do you publish it? Um, because I believe? That's why I dedicate all my free time to the paper.
Except Wednesday nights.
What's Wednesday nights? That's when the "medium" fan club meets to re-enact scenes from the TV show "medium.
" If the school paper wasn't already unpopular, this kid's name on the masthead wasn't gonna help.
(Chuckles) Ladies, I would like to introduce everyone to our newest and only member with a member (Laughter) (Chuckles) George Altman.
Oh, wow.
(Applause) Well, I-I-I promise not to hold my membership against you.
Oh! (Laughs) (Laughter) All right, can we settle, please? Can we focus up and settle? Can I have all eyes up here, please, and settle? First order of business Ah! Has Tessa Altman had all of her shots? Is she up to date on her immunizations? You're kidding me.
Well, we know that you tend to be a little busy.
Okay, you know what? I may not mother the way you mothers mother, but I am a caring and responsible parent.
And, yes, I also happen to be a working parent.
In case you've never met one before, hello.
How do you do? How do you do? And working parents sometimes forget things, and sometimes they run late, but that is because we are juggling more than you.
(Women gasp) George.
How dare you.
We work very hard.
With all due respect, the P.
is not a job.
It's a club.
(Women gasp) And certain club members need to realize that life isn't all lemon bars and lemonade.
(Crunches) Although these are top-notch.
Also, the lemonade is very good.
You are out of order, George.
What's the matter, Sheila? Not enjoying my unsolicited opinions and overbearing presence? All right, you know what? That's it! I am gaveling you! You are being gaveled! You're gaveling me? Maybe it's time somebody gaveled you.
(Woman gasps) Oh.
The P.
has not been this exciting since Konnie Kushell had her psychotic break.
Ooh, which one's Konnie? Right here.
So you're gonna drop out, right? No.
If I quit the P.
now, Sheila wins.
I just don't understand it.
Women usually like me.
George, cucumber-infused washcloth? - I'm fine.
- Yeah, you are.
Seriously, though, man, what do you think I should do? Well, if I were you, I'd ask her out.
What? Sheila? No.
Jocelyn the washcloth girl.
Man, what is wrong with you? You are so obsessed with M.
S, that you don't even notice the I.
Malik needed some honest feedback, and honestly, "the Chatswin chronicle" was as lame as the way he spent Wednesday nights.
And I see you spent a full page here on the cafeteria menu.
Hey, I broke "no more fish tacos" a full week before the announcement.
I know.
And still, no one reads "the Chatswin chronicle.
" "Chronicle's" not even a word.
It is a word.
"Chronicle" sounds like something on the side of a boat.
You mean "barnacle"? Maybe we should change the name of the paper.
It's obviously confusing some people.
Yeah, and also, it's boring.
But, you guys, seriously, you know who has fat knees? Hannah Mccleary.
And it's weird because the rest of her is thin.
Malik, that's the kind of stuff these people care about, not word jumbles.
But it's a newspaper.
Well, it was news to me when I saw her fat knees.
Don't you see? The reason these kids aren't reading your paper is because most of them are gossipy, superficial, mean-spirited materialists, like Dalia.
And you know what else? I heard Terry Garsen from Boys' Lacrosse lost his virginity to Stacy Unger from cheer, and I know for a fact - She has cellulite.
- There you have it.
So you're saying if I want people to read my paper, all I have to do is trash the kids we go to school with? And I understand why you might not want to do that I'm in! Since I was forced to take an elective, i elected to help.
We can call it "the Chatswin chatterer.
" "Chatterer" is not a word.
I mean It is.
(Grunts) (Beep) George! Oh, I'll be right back, hon.
George! - George, hey! - Hey.
I'm glad I caught you.
I want to talk to you about something that may be none of my business, but also kinda is.
You need to drop out of the P.
What? Why? Today's meeting was a total disaster, in case you didn't notice.
You offended just about every one of those women.
Yeah, well, they offended me.
Individually, they're harmless, but when they work together, they can be a real bitch.
I'm not gonna just disappear because Sheila doesn't like me.
George, these women are pack animals.
Hey, Beth.
And like it or not, you're never gonna be a part of their pack.
Well, that's fine, but I'm not quitting the P.
Those women are judging me, and I have just as much right to be there as they do.
Well, I suspect Sheila is gonna do everything in her power to make you feel otherwise.
Oh? Oh, really? Well, let me assure you of one thing, Dallas.
In the in the fight between, uh, Sheila Shay and George Altman, it's gonna be Altman.
You can't take those towels off the property! The next day, "the Chatswin chatterer" debuted as a hit.
Students expressed their excitement with the ultimate sign of approval Speaking in acronyms.
! L.
! O.
, this is photoshopped.
Did you see page four? B.
? H.
! "S.
" It's like a whole new take on the word jumble.
Malik went from being the kid people wanted out of the way to the kid people got out of the way of.
Great party.
I can't believe he had the nerve to show up.
Okay, plan "B.
" Let's go.
(Clinks glass) Ladies! Tonight we are united as moms.
Hear, hear.
And as moms, we all know the stress that carrying a child can place on our chi and on our chichi.
(Laughter) So tonight's activity is a workout which will do wonders for your self-esteem and incontinence.
(Ripping sound) (Women gasp) Aah! (Woman) Oh! (Hip-hop music playing) Oh! Yeah.
(Woman) Ow! Whoo! Bet you feel like disappearing right about now.
(Man) looking so damn edible and I gotta say hello trying to step in the club (Gasps) Ha ha! (Applause) Oh, yeah! (Spritzing) Huh? Huh? Huh? Ha ha.
What is she doing? Morning routine? (Groans) Uh oh.
(Music stops) I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I-I-I tried, you guys, but this isn't me.
I'm not sexy.
Oh! Deena Doogan, don't you dare say that! You are so sexy! Isn't she, everybody? (Women murmuring) Thanks, guys, but, uh, it's it's really not true.
My, uh, husband and I have not been intimate in almost a decade.
I cook, I clean, I-I do everything, but he still doesn't want me.
It's because you do everything for him.
That's the problem.
Men need to be needed.
- Your husband feels - Emasculated? - Definitely.
- Marginalized? - No question.
- Impotent? I'm not a doctor, but look, if you want him to want you, just let him come to the rescue every now and then.
That's all I'm saying.
This is ridiculous! Are you moms gonna sit here and take advice about men from a man? (Laughs) George may not have been mom enough for Sheila, but at that moment, Sheila wasn't man enough for the moms.
I have a question about my husband.
- Me, too.
(Woman) - Me, too.
(Woman) We're not really done talking about my situation.
One at a time, ladies.
Don't grab.
So wait.
You joined the P.
so that you could put a self-righteous mom in her place, and now you are the head of the self-righteous moms? (Cell phone ringing) What's up, Rhonda? O.
she looks 50! (Laughs) No, no, no, no.
We have garage-a-palooza.
- Garage-a-palooza? (Whispers) - It's a garage sale.
(Whispers) You sound crazy.
Okay, well, why don't you bring a nice top to change into? Uh, how about the pink one? George wasn't the only one who was changing.
I hardly recognized Malik anymore, and it wasn't just because of "the Godfather" hat.
Are you coming to the pep rally, Malik? Kenzie's gonna do a back handspring.
Wouldn't miss it for the world! I felt responsible.
I had totally upset the ecosystem.
(Girls) Hi, Tessa.
Hi, Tessa.
I made you a rice krispie treat.
Can you hold on to that? I'm about to go pee.
Amberly saved you the good stall.
(Spritzes) I longed for the days when I could hide out in the handicapped stall unnoticed.
(Coughs) Is this a bad time? I just got a tip on a story from Dalia, and it's ba-nay-nay.
(Envelope rustles) Lisa Shay she's a thumb-sucker.
Dalia says she goes to nonfiction during study hall to do it.
Oh, my God! What was Dalia doing in nonfiction? Who cares? Front page of "the Chatterer," bitches! Malik, we can't run this story.
It's messed up.
Yeah, well, everything we publish is messed up, and that was your idea, and now the paper's a huge hit.
Why do you keep saying that? It's my new catchphrase.
You don't like it? I hate it.
Well, I could try banizz-nas instead.
Stick with ba-nay-nay.
Okay, first order of business Uh, Rhonda.
My husband says he doesn't want to go out because he's tired, but then he spends the whole night awake watching ESPN.
Oh, what he means is he's tired of doing what you want to do.
And in the past, have you tried engaging in hobbies that he enjoys? Mm-hmm.
I've tried, but I don't like Internet pornography.
George, Teacher Appreciation Day is on Monday, and we still haven't decided on how we plan to show our gratitude to the faculty.
I think we should do it by saying "thank you.
" - With? - Our mouths.
- And also? - Hand gestures? (Whispers) Individual rose bouquets.
Yes, of course, individual rose bouquets.
Um, now in the past, Sheila has harvested the rose bouquets from her garden.
Sheila's no longer with us.
So who wants to do the rose bouquets? (Birds chirping) Nobody? Okay, fine.
I'll do it.
Um, but you're doing the refreshments.
Well, I'll do the refreshments and the rose bouquets.
But you still need to finish my skylight.
George was quick learning that life with the mothers could be a real mother.
Malik was drunk with power.
It was time for him to sober up.
Media mogul Or "medium"? What? Oh, just something I'm working on.
What are you doing? I thought we were friends.
I thought we were, too, but I also thought we were friends with Lisa Shay.
Why did you think we were friends with Lisa Shay? Because I live across the street from her.
Guess what.
I don't.
Look what's happened to you.
You used to have journalistic integrity.
I mean, you were the reporter who broke "no more fish tacos," and now you' going to rallies with the K.
- The K.
? - Kenzie, Kaitlyn, and Kimantha.
The old Malik never would've hung out with those girls.
Yeah, the old Malik never would've been invited to hang out with those girls.
I like the new Malik.
He's ballin'.
Well, I like the old Malik because he wasn't ballin'.
He was just a nice guy I think.
Honestly, I haven't spent that much time with the old Malik but I wanted to.
Really? You wanted to? (Knock on door) I finished last week's word jumble.
It says I get a free milk.
Hey, just a heads-up, some people really care about "the Chatswin chronicle," and they started a petition to get it back.
I only have two signatures so far, and they're both mine.
We're expecting a few more.
Lisa's petition got two more signatures that day.
It turned out those were the only two she needed, and with "the Chatswin chronicle" restored, it was time to focus my efforts on dad.
We're out of juice, and we've been out of juice for, like, a week.
He had stopped hunting and gathering.
I'm sorry, honey.
The P.
thing It's consuming all of my time.
And all of our bread, apparently, because we are out of that, too.
Us moms had this duck charity thing down at the pond.
The baby mallards are beyond cute.
We are spiraling out of control here, George.
You're talking about baby ducks and spending all your time with middle-aged women.
What? Don't you think it's time you hung up those mom jeans and went back to being a dad? These aren't mom jeans.
I've got them from a garrage sell.
Yeah, but whose garage sale, George? Whose garage sale? Rhonda's.
I got them at Rhonda's garage I'm wearing Rhonda's jeans.
(T-pain's "Apple bottom jeans" playing) Shawty had them apple bottom jeans jeans boots with the fur with the fur the whole club was looking them apple bat her ans (Knock on door) Jeans low, low, low, low, low Here's your gavel back.
I beg your pardon.
I'm sorry, Sheila.
You were right.
The P.
is not for me, so go on, please.
I'm not sure I want it, George.
I have rather been enjoying my free time.
I've been working on my suntan.
I have read "the lovely bones.
" Why, just yesterday, I tried black cherry soda.
Oh, well, that is a delicious flavor of soda, but seriously, Sheila, I can't give these women what they need.
You have to come back.
I don't have it in me.
Not anymore.
Well, I hope at the very least, you'll attend our P.
picnic at Redmond field.
Redmond field? That's right next to the petrol station.
Think of the fumes! See, that's just the thing.
Sheila, I-I-I-I didn't think of the fumes.
(Scoffs) You did.
You always think of the fumes.
Visit adjourned.
Oh, and, George, you wear the hell out of those jeans.
(Chuckles) All right, I'm leaving for work in five.
You want me to pack you a lunch today, or are you gonna buy something at school? Oh, it says here the special is beef Stroganoff.
I know.
I helped break that story.
(Laughs) Wow.
Princeton's gonna be really impressed.
I'm not going to college.
(Chuckles) Yeah, you are.
(Laughs) No, seriously.
I-I decided I'm not going.