Suburgatory (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

Don't Call Me Shirley

They say it's always quiet before the storm, but here in the suburbs, it's just quiet.
What was that? I Swallowed.
Hear that? I can't eat any quieter.
Police sirens! How great is it to not hear that all the time? Are you kidding? It sounds like home.
What chirping birds are to the suburbs, police sirens are to the city, and for a homesick girl, this was music to my ears.
A siren could signify almost anything Arson, murder Dolls! Dolls? Someone stole my entire Shirley temple doll collection.
Can you describe the dolls, ma'am? "Lollipop" Shirley was last seen wearing a sailor outfit.
Um, "curly top" Shirley was wearing a red polka dot dress with cap sleeves.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm so flustered.
Take a deep breath, ma'am.
It's natural to be a little shaken up.
Well, of course I am shaken up.
They're valuable dolls, collectibles.
Original Shirleys, mint condish.
The cops are here for dolls? I've been up since 4:00 A.
This is so exciting.
It's probably the most exciting thing to ever happen around here.
I bet it is.
I don't know.
Try to fit her in at 3:00.
Yes! I am on my way in right now.
- God.
- I am sorry that I am late.
It has been a crazy morning.
I mean, this break-in is a gift.
I mean, terrible for the shays, of course, but great if you're in the dental game.
They're not asking you to look at the doll's dental records, are they? This whole town is on edge.
They are grinding their teeth.
They are thrusting their tongues.
Based on the phone calls this morning, I'm going to be molding mouth guards for months.
Well, too bad it wasn't a murder, huh? I wish.
So what about you, huh? You should be cashing in on this, too.
I'm an architect.
Frightened people rarely add bonus rooms.
Mm, but what about panic rooms? "Inside celebrity panic rooms.
" Seriously? Wait.
You have a subscription to this? Yeah.
Check out Bono's safe room.
It doubles as a recording studio, and Jay-Z's panic shelter It has a cognac bar and a disco.
You really think people around here - would go for that kind of thing? - Hey.
Oh, my God.
George, did you hear about the break-in? I am in a full-blown panic.
- My husband's out of town.
- Mm-hmm.
I haven't felt this vulnerable since I test-drove a smart car.
Dallas is in a panic, George.
Do you have any suggestions? Maybe you could take a few precautions to make your house feel safe.
- Okay.
- Mm? Oh.
I want it.
I need it.
I have to have it.
How soon can you start? I'm not gonna take commission on this, but you can get me breakfast.
I'm gonna have the lobster omelet.
Okay, I'll uh, Dallas, are you ordering? Oh, I don't eat in public.
Lunch was giving me the evil eye, and so was my high school Nemesis, Dalia, the girl who personified what I hate about the suburbs.
Students, I must interrupt lunch with a message that is both shocking and upsetting.
Something happened this morning that threatens the quality of life as we know it.
Is this about the dolls? Can't be about the dolls.
It is about the dolls.
Potentially violent criminals are targeting the homes of Chatswin High students.
This what we call a teachable moment.
Let's chat about crime.
Lisa, you're a victim In so many ways.
How does that feel? Mm.
I think that's her way of saying, "it feels bad.
" Keep eating.
If we don't keep eating, they win.
I just want to say, it's pretty obvious who committed the crime.
It wasn't me.
Not you.
This crime spree started when certain people moved here from New York, New York, New New York.
She's talking about me.
Remember Ray from Ray's pizza? Ray was a good guy.
Remember how saucy their sicilian was? We're not moving back to New York.
Come on, George.
This place is stupid.
In the city, if someone called the cops over missing dolls, they'd be arrested.
It does show you how much less crime there is here, though, how much safer it is than our old neighborhood.
Safer? Unh-unh.
This place is all bitches, backstabbers, and Botox.
Dalia? Did I accidentally summon you? Oh! Thanks, Tessa, for letting us seek refuge.
Thank you.
George, we're here! When night fell, we just panicked, and being that there's no panic room to panic in, we came here.
I have to tell you, we felt like sitting ducks over there in that big, professionally decorated house of ours But this feels Wonderfully safe, though.
It feels claustrophobic.
It's not claustrophobic.
It's snug.
It feels sticky.
It does feel a little sticky.
Uh, excuse me.
Maybe they want to be around familiar faces.
We are not that familiar.
We just moved here.
It's weird.
Okay, it is a little weird, but Come on.
It's just one night, so like like Oprah says that Maya Angelou says, "troubles are a blessing that force you to change.
" So now you watch "Oprah"? I'm up a lot at night.
Dalia spit up the tiniest bit.
From her claustrophobia.
- You feel it? - We're changing, like Maya said.
All right.
Uh, how did how did you Do this? I just found a box marked "good dishes," and then I used my pashmina as a table runner, snuck over to Sheila Shay's, cut a dozen roses.
It was nothing.
Five minutes.
But we always eat pizza off paper plates.
Right, George? Yeah, but, I mean It wouldn't kill us to eat off real plates.
I just thought you could use a woman's touch.
A woman's touch.
Well, that that's very nice.
- Right, Tessa? - Right, Oprah.
Oh, Tessa.
Tessa, here.
You come sit next to Dalia.
I thought you girls might want to gossip about school and boys and birth control.
Let's eat.
Dear Lord, thank you for this pizza we are about to receive, and even though all this cheese means for sure Dalia will be gassy tonight, and even though one slice probably exceeds your entire recommended daily caloric intake The Lord set a daily caloric intake.
Tessa, shh.
We ask that you ease our digestion and help us burn this meal off swiftly.
Oh, no.
Missy, where do you think you're going? To answer the door.
Oh, no.
No, no.
We don't answer the door during dinner.
Unless, of course, they ring twice.
That means it's urgent or a package or an urgent package.
I'm sorry.
Ah! What? We do not eat until everyone is present.
Give it.
Give it to me.
Tessa, hi.
Just letting everyone know the Shirleys haven't appeared on eBay or any of the official Shirley trading sites.
Thanks for the update.
It's me, isn't it? They stole the dolls to get back at me.
This was a personal attack, wasn't it? You know, I'm not really supposed to answer the door during dinner.
Oh, hey, Sheila.
What's the word from the cabbage patch? This is all very funny to you, but I am not laughing.
Now if you will excuse me, I have a pile of freshly laundered doll clothes to fold.
That's what my night looks like! I'd been sentenced to life in the suburbs, but I held on to the hope that I might get out early for good behavior.
So that meant putting up with Dalia for the night.
Your room is so small.
It's even smaller than the rest of your house.
Generally, that's how it work the rooms inside the house are smaller than the house.
That's how they fit 'em in.
My dad's an architect.
Drugstore makeup.
Tragic is loading yourself up with so much mascara, you can't blink.
I can blink.
I'm sorry.
Was that in your way? Oh, I wasn't sure if it was gonna be, but now it's for sure not.
What do you need all of this for? I need all this For all this.
Except this.
I need this for This.
Corn? Pre-corn.
Well, okay.
Well, you're all set.
I'm just gonna grab some What are these? Yoga pants.
Where are my things? Oh, you mean your undies? I moved 'em so I could fit my yoga pants.
Dallas, you do not touch a-a man's undies unless he tells you you can.
Well, you didn't say I couldn't.
There are certain boundaries, and my undies Underwear are on the other side of that boundary.
Don't be silly, George.
I'm not being silly.
Aah! What is that? It's lavender.
It promotes a restful sleep.
It also stings a little.
- You know what you should do? - What? You should get some underwear like the soccer players wear, like, the 3/4 brief like Beckham, 'cause honestly, these are so unflattering.
I mean, big old dumpy boxer shorts.
Nobody wants to see you in these, George.
Give me those! I do not need new underwear or lavender spritzes.
I enjoy answering the door during dinner, and quite frankly, nothing makes me happier than eating pizza off a paper plate.
Oh, and, Dallas, for the record, that ain't pre-corn.
That's a full-blown corn.
I believe it was Oprah who said You shut up.
George rarely slammed doors.
I took this as a good sign.
Something told me the situation was going to take care of itself.
You can't sit with us.
No, this is the cool table.
She even sleeps like a bitch.
Sh shh, shh, shh.
You scared the crap out of me! Go back to upstairs.
I'll take care of this.
No, no, no.
We're not doing that.
Give me the bat.
Shh! Baby.
We're from New York! Aah! Dallas! Drop your curtain rod! It's just me.
Okay, go go go Go back to bed, sweetheart.
Should I bring their car around? What? N go.
Just go.
Dallas, what are you what are you doing in my laundry room, eating a ham and cheese? This is a croque monsieur.
At 3:30 in the morning? I'm an emotional eater, and I was feeling a little guilty.
For what, touching my underwear or macing me with lavender? Well, I really put you on the spot when Dalia and I showed up at your door.
And you had every right to throw that hissy fit earlier.
Right, I don't know if I'd call it a hissy fit.
Yeah, it was.
Well, I guess I did lose my cool a little.
It's been a long time since I've Shared my space with anyone, you know? Well, it's hard doing it alone.
I mean, Steven travels so much, he's gone more than he's here.
Sometimes I feel like a single parent.
So a croque monsieur, huh? I mean, I don't know.
It looks like a ham and cheese to me.
To the layman.
Ooh, la la.
Dalia and I survived the night, but the next morning, we were anxious to put our sleepover behind us.
Well, I hate ugly good-byes, but Good-bye, ugly.
And voila.
Next weekend, I'll make you French toast.
Next weekend? Oh, no.
Next weekend is the apple festival, right? Oh, yeah.
I can't wait.
You really think the girls are gonna like it, though? No, the girls won't like it.
Oh, it's the apple festival.
They have a hayride that takes you right to the chowder festival.
Oh, really? Wow.
I had no idea there were so many festivals here.
Oh, yes, honey.
Every weekend.
Our families are gonna have so much fun together.
George left me with no other choice.
I had to plan my escape.
When planning an escape, It is important to have someone else in on the job Someone without a moral code.
Hey, Dalia, wait up.
Take a lap.
Look, you don't wanna spend time with me, and I don't wanna spend time with you And I don't wanna spend time with you, either.
So I've got a plan.
Are you gonna fake a pregnancy? Kenzie faked a pregnancy last year to get out of Earth science.
No, but Let's keep that idea in our back pocket.
She got a lot of really cute stuff for the baby.
She faked a girl.
My plan's a little different.
If good behavior couldn't get me out early, maybe bad behavior would.
Listen, I talked to a few more neighbors about the panic room idea.
Oh, you know what? I appreciate you putting the word out, but I've been sort of rethinking that whole thing.
Well, I wish you would've told me before I put the word out.
- What what happened? - Suddenly you don't like money? Mm no.
I feel like I'm taking advantage of people's fears.
Look, dentistry no, the whole medical industry is based on fear.
Fear is what bought me a summer home in the finger lakes.
These people are our neighbors, you know? We're supposed to look out for each other.
Isn't that the whole reason people live in the suburbs? That and the festivals.
Javier, see if they have a dozen of these in the dove gray.
Jeremy, I love those frames.
So the dolls are still gone.
My mom's a basket case.
She can't sleep.
She paces.
I've never seen her so miserable.
Would you call this a tortoise? Doll thief! Me? I accuse you, Tessa Altman, of stealing that weird woman's dolls! That's not true.
Right, Tessa? You're accusing me of being the notorious Chatswin burglar? Did you hear that, Mr.
Wolfe? - Get to class, Jeremy.
- Yeah, right.
What up? What's going down? Tessa stole the dolls.
I know for a fact she did it.
She bragged about it last night when I slept over in her tiny, gross room.
The last thing anyone wants is a girl fight.
There must be some mistake.
There is no way my daughter stole dolls.
I understand how comforting denial can be.
I often endorse it for our obese students.
But in this case, she confessed.
Wh what? What? It's true.
I did it.
You stole Shirley temple dolls? Really? Yeah.
I don't know why.
Maybe I'm bored or maybe I've been acting out.
Maybe the suburbs aren't as good for me as you thought they were.
She was always an outsider.
I was, and I tried.
I I really did.
But maybe I don't know.
This is just me spitballing here, but Maybe we should move back to New York, where we belong.
Well It's something to consider.
Best of luck to you, Tessa.
You really brightened these hallways.
Oh, and all yearbook preorders are nonrefundable.
Outside company.
Nothing I can do.
Had I gotten away with the perfect crime, or was I being played like a game of "words with friends"? Wonder if I should swing by the post office, pick up a change of address form? You can do that online.
That'll make it easy.
Look at this! Perfect crime.
Yeah, there's just one thing we need to do first.
Awe, "words with friends"! Tiny overalls.
Breaks my heart.
Maybe there's someone out there who can use them.
Another collector or Someone with a pet monkey.
Maybe a small farmer.
Tessa, isn't there something you'd like to say To Sheila? Oh, this really doesn't seem like a good time.
Oh, no, please.
I need to focus on something other than the Shirleys.
Well, it's about the Shirleys.
I took them.
You took my girls? Tessa.
Have I done something to you, injured you in some way? No.
It's not that.
Because if I have, I am truly sorry.
Because I realize now for you to do something so wicked to me, I must have done something even more wicked to you.
You did, mother - But not to her.
- To me.
So if you want to apologize, I'm listening.
After everything I have done for you?! What have you wh What have you ever done for me, except crush my spirit, take away my dessert, give my cat up for adoption?! - Mr.
Whiskers - Lisa did the crime, but something told me I was going to serve the time.
So, when did you figure me out? Look at all this! Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Shirley, Shirley, Ryan.
The moment you were born? Where the hell is tub? So there's, like, zero chance we're moving back to New York? Less than that.
I need to, believe it or not.
You have every right to punish me.
If I miss out on the Chowder festival, it is my own damn fault.
Which part of "from the moment you were born" did you not understand? All I could think about was, if my bedroom smelled that bad after Dalia ate pizza, what the hell was the car ride home from the Chowder festival gonna be like?