Suburgatory (2011) s01e08 Episode Script


Stupid, stupid tradition.
Oh, look at us, we're partnering a turkey.
And if he can get in a privy on Thanksgiving, why can't I? Why can't I, Malia? You are hereby pardoned.
Thanksgiving is a time for tradition, and moving to Chatswin meant the end of ours.
Every year, George and I used to go to Central Park to watch the floats get blown up for the parade.
Then we'd go to our favorite coffee shop for turkey burgers and black-and-white milk shakes.
Try and order a black-and-white in Chatswin, and you'd just get the white.
Tessa, you got it? Yeah.
Gobble, gobble.
You're a grown man.
Good morrow, child.
Where be your pa? Uh, I think he's on the can.
Who are you? Why, Jasper the pilgrim.
Child, the family of Royce awaits thine R.
To their bountiful Thanksgiving feast.
You guys forgot to R.
Oh! Right.
The Dallas thing.
We'll be there.
"Joyous news!" As our forefathers might proclaim.
Really? Well, you're a mean girl with an unkind heart who has no holiday cheer.
Thanksgiving at the Royces'.
Gonna be fun.
Define fun.
Noah's family's gonna be there.
You should call "Webster's.
" You wouldn't believe how far apart you guys are.
Look, I know you're bummed we're not doing our old tradition, but we're making a new tradition.
Do you even own a dictionary? Traditions aren't new.
That's what makes them Traditions.
Besides, I know you're just trying to keep us apart.
- Keep who apart? - Manhattan and me.
You're afraid.
If I see her again, the old feelings might come rushing back.
- Oh, yes.
- I know how serious you two are, and I miss her, too, but we are with the suburbs now, and if she catches us looking at other cities She might cut off your cul-de-sac? And you know I'm pretty attached to my cul-de-sac.
You're gross.
You're gross.
Hey, neighbor.
Gobble, gobble.
Don't you hate it when people say "gobble, gobble"? It makes me want to kill them And then eat them.
On Thanksgiving day, half a dozen members of the Shay family will descend upon our house to eat with their mouth open and dispense unsolicited advice Most of which will be about my hair.
Gobble, gobble.
You should see this dress that my mother's trying to make me wear.
It's frickin' amish.
Maybe you should move to Europe when you're older.
They don't have Thanksgiving in Europe.
Like my mother would ever let me move to Europe.
She's convinced all Belgians are sex offenders.
What if you just tell your mom you're not wearing the dress? Yakult! No! Come here, girl.
- Get down, Yakult.
- Get down.
No, stop it.
I-I didn't know you had a dog.
Well, she's new.
I just got her from the breeder.
She's a snicker-doodle.
I-I think that's a cookie.
Okay, maybe she's a schnitzel-doodle.
Anywho, she's some kind of doodle, aren't ya, Yakult? Aren't you, good girl? Yakult? Is that Hebrew? No, silly.
She's named after my favorite probiotic drink.
I-I need to ask you a favor.
I'm up for this really big job.
- Oh, congrats, George.
- Well, hold on.
There's still one final hoop I need to jump through.
In fact, I really gotta get going.
Well, don't let me keep you.
N-no, no, Dallas.
The reason I stopped by is because Tessa's a little bummed out about being in Chatswin this time of year Ohh.
And I thought maybe if you were doing something fun today, she could tag along.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm always doing something fun.
Even when I'm not doing anything fun, it's usually still pretty fun.
I'm your girl.
You really are.
My goodness, Yakult.
Did you hear that? Lisa Marie Shay.
All the girl cousins are wearing the dress.
All the girl cousins but one.
Make life easy.
Wear the dress.
What about the family photo for Nana? If you're not wearing the dress, we may as well take a photo of a bunch of godless, sex-crazed Belgians.
I'm sure Nana would love that.
This is just like when she wanted to stop using conditioner.
I broke four combs on that head of hair! I remember.
Uh, combs don't grow on trees, Lisa.
Fred, is that another bowl of cereal?! It is 11:00 A.
! Lisa, if you want to be a party pooper, you can go poop in your room, and if you miss Thanksgiving tomorrow, you have no one to blame but yourself.
This is a perfectly handsome calico dress.
Oh, yeah.
Don't condescend to me.
Lisa had been banished to her room.
Meanwhile, I was about to be subjected to a different kind of torture entirely.
Tessa, I know you pride yourself on being unkempt, but I think you would look hot with a Brazilian.
Beg pardon? A Brazilian blowout Super straight hair, real smooth, polished, instead of that little kink-pile you got going, and trust me, honey, it'll make you feel better.
Why would flat hair make me feel better? Tessa, there are certain secrets in life that only a woman can teach you, and one of them is, when you look better, you feel better.
Oh! And another one is You can still get bugles on the Internet.
Yeah, I don't care about either of those two things.
Oh, come on.
We can do it side by side.
Sit right there, and we can both get blown.
Pretty please with a $100 bill on top.
Not even on my dead body.
Oh, no.
That kind of hair is all wrong for a dead body.
You'd want an updo or a loose braid or a side pony.
Tessa, I'll make you a deal.
You blow out your hair with me for Thanksgiving, and I will take you absolutely anywhere you want to go for lunch today.
Anywhere? I never should have said anywhere.
So here's the sitch.
As you may or may not know, I'm a professional party planner, so my mom put me in charge of professionally planning this party.
Oh, my God.
Shut up, Yakult! I hate you! Now I'm sure we all remember that last year sucked.
I'm talking about clumpy-ass mashed potatoes and pale, flaccid string beans, Alan.
You'd better come correct, or I swear to God, you're gonna get served.
Happy Thanksgiving, pumpkin.
Gobble, gobble.
Hey, dad.
Gobble, gobble.
Long time no see.
All right.
Did you forget we have a no-shoe policy here in the house? Yeah, we don't do that when you're not here.
Why? I thought you were daddy's girl, huh? Should I return the cashmere horse blanket I got for your horse cashmere? No, n Daddy, you know cashmere loves cashmere.
I know.
Don't listen to your mother.
Listen to me, okay? 'Kay.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna nap.
Call me if anyone calls me.
All right.
Go on.
Who are you? I promised George I'd get you excited about Chatswin, and what do I do? I bring you into the city.
I mean, why does George even have to know? This can just be our little secret.
Oh, my gosh.
Gucci’s just layin' on the sidewalk.
I like that one.
They're counterfeit.
Can we have two secrets? Yes, we can.
Ohh, I will take Ooh, I'll take the Chanel Chanel.
And the Prada and that and that Gucci.
And the Gucci.
This is gonna be fun.
- This is already fun.
- Oh, my gosh! Sunglasses.
How many potatoes do we need? It's your family, Fred.
You tell me.
Well, they do love their potatoes.
Lisa's not wearing the dress? That's T.
It is not T.
It is "D.
" She is wearing the dress.
'Cause if she's not wearing the dress, I'm not wearing the vest.
You happy, Fred? It's anarchy.
Okay, let's not get hysterical.
Why don't we say we just focus on the potatoes, all right? You wanna boil 'em, or you wanna nuke 'em? I want to nuke 'em.
All right.
What are you doing? The only thing I can do, Fred.
I am turning up the heat.
Why? Why? Because heat rises.
I've got less than 24 hours to get her into that dress, so it's no more Mrs.
Nice Guy.
Well, you know, I haven't seen Mrs.
Nice Guy since the honeymoon.
Stop it.
Come on.
Stop it.
I said, "stop it," Fred! Sorry.
I'll take it.
What? I love it.
I want it.
I have to have it.
I'll take it.
Where do we pay? It's not for sale.
It belongs to the museum.
Honey, everything has a price.
But seriously, it's not for sale.
We'll see.
So now we don't sit down? No, we don't sit down, 'cause we have places to go.
And yet we don't hail a cab? No, we don't hail a cab.
As we walk, we fold, drip, and bite.
Oh, that's just filthy.
Is that part of it? That lying son of a Bitch.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe George has been cheating on the suburbs with Manhattan.
I can't believe that woman.
She looked downright Puerto Rican.
How old do you suppose she was? He lied to me.
And what kind of handbag was she carrying? 'Cause I certainly didn't recognize it.
He said he was going to work.
Looked like some sort of tote, like some kind of pledge drive freebie.
He's busted.
George is so busted.
Now, Tessa, you may as well just forget you saw any of that, 'cause you and I weren't supposed to be in the city, so technically, we didn't see anything, right? Right? Go away, mother.
Dude, it's me.
What do you want? I just want to say that what you're doing is cool.
It's really cool.
It's like when I saw Ace Ventura in that super confusing "spotless sunshine" movie that had the "Titanic" lady with the midsized naturals.
Well, the movie pretty much sucked, but I respected Ace Ventura for taking a risk, and that's what you're doing.
You are taking a risk! Yeah.
If you're not gonna finish that, can I have it? It's the last one, and it's super hot in here.
You're welcome.
Thanksgiving day in Chatswin, and I couldn't help but wonder what other secrets George had been keeping from me, if that was even his name.
Your hair looks nice.
Is it different? Yes, it is.
It's very different.
- What? - What? Okay, look, I know why you're mad, and I'm I'm sorry we missed out on the balloons, but I'm not mad about the balloons.
I'm mad about the hypocrisy.
Well, you know, they've got the casinos now, so it may just be a band-aid, but it's a start.
Gobble, gobble.
Gobble, gobble, Sheila.
Oh, thanks for having us.
Is it a million degrees in here or what? You're menopausal, Trish.
Oh, I wouldn't bring that up.
Not a good idea.
I know what it is, Gary.
You don't have to remind me.
It's menopause, not Alzheimer's.
- Here we go.
- Yes.
Gobble, gobble, Gary.
Gobble, gobble, Fred.
Gobble, gobble, Trish.
Is this the Thanksgiving day parade or what? Aren't they adorable, Fred? Tiny little pilgrim angels.
Where's Lisa? Where's Lisa? Lisa Lisa's basting.
She is basting.
Welcome to the Royce family Thanksgiving.
Oh, my God.
Drop dead, Yakult! I wish you were never born! Oh! There are the Werners.
Hey, Jill.
What is she wearing? Look at all that purple.
She looks like a skinny grape.
Park 'em car.
Noah, stop it.
I'm gonna ask you not to adjust the seats.
All right, you be careful in those high heels, gorgeous.
Gobble, gobble.
Gobble, gobble.
Founders or feathers? You're a racist.
Oh, she's Hey.
Can I talk to you for a second? Certainly.
Out here, shoes on, or inside, shoes off? Uh, out, on, okay? You got a dog without asking me? Well, you got a new girlfriend without asking me.
What? What are you talking about? Oh, Google image search it, Steven.
- I may be old-fashioned - Old-fashioned? - You got - Your teenage daughter an I.
That was to increase her cell reception, and I told you that.
She now has full signal, Steven.
Full signal! All right.
You know what? Oh, my g Yakult, are you kidding me? This is why we don't wear shoes in the house! Come on, y don't.
I like you.
It's okay.
Sheila's attempt to smoke Lisa out of her room was working, and once Lisa's internal temperature reached the triple digits, she couldn't take it anymore.
Friends, family, Steven Yakult! That's a $400 loafer, Yakult! First off, I'd like to wish each and every one of you - a hearty - Gobble, gobble! Gobble, gobble.
That's too loud.
So I just want to thank everybody for coming to this great meal that, uh, my wife commissioned and my daughter professionally planned and somebody cooked.
I just, uh, I don't know who cooked it.
Sit, Steven.
Now before we begin, I think we should go around the table so that each of us can articulate just what it is we're most thankful for.
Noah? Oh.
Um Well, uh, at the top of my list, as always, is my beautiful wife Jill, without whom Wrap it up, Noah.
She keeps me humble, so Thankful.
I'm thankful that I don't have to dress like a prostitute to attract the attention of my husband.
She looks good in wool.
I'm thankful that I have my own professional identity outside of my marriage.
And what would that be? I'm referring to my latest guide book, "Uncorked the wine counties of central Pennsylvania.
" Self-published.
And beautifully bound.
This is a hostess copy.
O-okay, uh, well, I-I know that, uh, we're all anxious to get to the turkey, so I'll be quick.
Uh, wow.
There is so much, so much I'm thankful for this year.
Like the Triborough bridge? Tessa! We shook on it.
We know about your secret Puerto Rican girlfriend! Please tell me this is true.
Have you been following me? Tessa, you made me a promise.
You took my kid into Manhattan? You lied to me.
You lied to me? You lied to me! You said you were going to work.
I-I was at work.
That does not qualify as work.
It does if you're doing it right.
God, you guys suck at Thanksgiving! Okay.
Who's ready for turkey time? I am, mother.
Is this the dress you wanted me to wear? Aah! - Oh, dear.
- Whoa.
Ohh! Oh, well, that's just great.
Lisa ruined Thanksgiving with her naked body.
Lisa wasn't like this before the girl across the street moved in.
She used to be a good little girl.
Well, as you can see, I'm not a good little girl anymore.
I'm a grown woman, so I certainly don't need you laying out clothes for me.
Nice rack.
Thank you, Meredith.
You'll have a nice rack, too, one day.
All the Shay women do.
Right, Nana? Oh, good Lord, Lisa.
Go to your room! I'm not going to my room.
Don't you see, mother? You're not calling the shots anymore.
I am.
Where do you think you're going?! I don't know! Well Let's eat.
A little rebellion is a vital part of becoming an adult, unless, of course, the police get involved.
What am I doing? Jeez! Keep testing me, Yakult! Everybody! Everybody, stop all the yelling.
Keep testing me! You're upsetting the dog.
- No! No! Get out! Get out! - Steven, let the dog out! Actually, Dallas, all this fighting is historically accurate.
God, we get it, Jenna! You go to brown.
That's correct.
I go to brown.
Don't patronize my daughter.
- Don't reprimand mine.
- Well, someone has to.
She's a product of terrible parenting! You're the one who scheduled a C-section before Jenna was term! - Ohh.
- Ha.
We had a nonrefundable cruise booked.
I was born premature so you guys could go on a cruise? So so we could all go on a cruise as a family.
- Hey, sit down.
- It's not over.
This is not over.
I was up for a job redesigning a bar.
That's why I started going back to the city.
How many times? Tessa How many times? I-I've been out with her twice.
How many times have you been back to the city? Oh.
I don't know.
Maybe five, six times.
I thought I thought we were talking about Zoe.
Look, I needed to to work on something other than skylights.
You can understand that, right? Understand that you feel creatively unfulfilled? - Yes.
- That you're hard-pressed to find people you want to hang out with here, let alone date? Yeah, George.
I think I understand.
The rules aren't the same for us, Tessa.
I'm sorry.
Oh, right.
I get it.
I'm forced to live my entire existence in suburbia with pin-straight hair, but somehow you've been pardoned.
I know it's hard to accept because I've always given you a say, but we are not equals.
Sometimes kids have to do things their parents don't.
And you're not supposed to always like me.
Mission accomplished.
Maybe it was the spirit of Thanksgiving, but somewhere along the car ride home, i became the turkey, and George became President Barack Obama.
So I looked up the definition of "tradition" in the dictionary.
Turns out you were right.
Is this the Highway? Holy crap! What what are you Lisa! Okay, I'm having a heart attack here.
I can't feel my hands, and my feet are tingling.
Uh I see you decided not to wear the dress or anything else, apparently.
Well, being nude is surprisingly liberating.
Lisa, quickly.
There's a gym bag on the floor Hmm.
With sweat stuff in it.
Would you please? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure thing, Mr.
You went to bard? Sometimes you have to finish what you started.
George wasn't going to relocate us back to Manhattan, but that didn't mean he couldn't occasionally compromise If I make coffee, will you have some? I'll be up all night.
What if I make decaf? Sure.
And sometimes a small gesture goes a long way.
Well, at least I made good on the milk shakes.
This better be one damn good black-and-white.
There's a long, black hair in mine.
Oh, well, that that's probably just Martino's.
Don't worry.
You'll be fine.
Oh, he's very healthy.
It won't hurt you.
You should be fine.