Suburgatory (2011) s01e09 Episode Script

The Nutcracker

(Tessa) There's something so phony about Christmas in Chatswin Everything plastic and professionally decorated.
There was also something phony about dad.
After discovering he had a secret life in Manhattan, I had no other choice but to give him the ice treatment.
(Men) To appreciate the finer things in life Did we get the best tree at the farm or what? Fraser fir.
(Sniffs) You smell? You smell how fresh those needles are? Why did we even bother with a tree? Aren't you gonna spend Christmas in New York with Zoe? Now I had administered the ice treatment, but never successfully until tonight.
You're dumping me? Like, now? Not not dumping, no.
Not at all.
No.
But yes, now.
(Voice breaking) Whenever I start to feel something Whenever I start to feel Oh, o-okay.
Shh.
It's okay.
Don't cry.
I need a tissue or (Blows nose loudly) Okay, look, it's not you.
It's Are you kidding me? I swear to God, if you say, "it's not you, it's me " I was going to say it is not you.
It's It's Tessa, my daughter.
You know, I - I uprooted her from New York - and everything she knows.
- Yeah? So? So it's a total double standard if I date a cool city girl like you when I've confined Tessa to the suburbs.
But I'm crazy about you, George.
A-and I you, but if I continue seeing you, I will feel like a bad dad.
(Sobbing loudly) Take care, though.
(Crying) (Blows nose loudly) Dad, you didn't have to break up with her because of me.
T-t oh, Tessa.
Eavesdropping, were we? Was it the ice treatment? Yes, in fact, it was.
You know what? Maybe next time, you will think twice before you ice someone.
(Bottle cap fizzes) But you really liked Zoe.
Yes, I did.
(Bottle cap clatters) But sometimes parents sacrifice things that they like for their children.
If you will excuse me, I'm going to drink this in my room.
Did he drink it in his room? I think he did.
Wow, that is everything you want in a Christmas story, except a happy ending.
(Sighs) - Maybe I can make it up to him.
- You should.
I just need to get him the best Christmas gift any daughter's ever given their father.
How about an eyeglass repair kit? Doesn't exactly say "sorry you gave up love for me.
" No, but they usually come with a bottle of cleaning solution and a lint-free shammy, so There's not one good thing on the whole entire Internet.
What are you getting your dad? Nothing.
We make our gifts.
That sounds cool.
It's not.
I want clothes.
(Alih Jay) Last night I had a pleasant nightmare da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da (Woman) The hot heat of the oven hits the bottom (Tessa) I felt terrible about dad's breakup with Zoe, and I was determined to make it up to him.
I made you a sandwich.
What kind of sandwich? Tuna.
Tuna reminds me of Zoe.
George may have been milking it, but he was exhibiting the two classic signs of depression Ow.
Well i should get to class.
Watching the cooking channel and taking an adult ed class in wreath making.
(Woman) Wonderful job.
Lovely.
Hey, what's the deal with the art teacher Aimee? What do you mean, "what's the deal?" There is no deal.
She teaches art.
Is she single? Shh! Oh, my.
What can I say? They're both so full of beauty.
True, but isn't one filled with i don't know A thousand times more beauty than the other? No, not to me.
That's like asking what's more magical flowers or rainbows? Rainbows.
Is there any question? Aimee? Um when you have a minute.
Aimee to the rescue.
Yeah.
(Laughs) You know what? After dating so many crazy, cynical Manhattan women, I really find Aimee refreshing.
Ginger ale is refreshing.
You know, I like her positivity and her and her sweetness.
You know, she's sweet, and she's crafty.
She makes things.
I'm gonna ask her out.
- Slow down, white tiger.
- Yeah.
Aimee just went through a nasty breakup with the shop teacher.
She's a little gun-shy, okay? A little vulnerable.
Huh.
So don't blow it by coming on too New York.
Pushy.
You're kind of pushy.
But I wouldn't be if I were trying to date you.
Oh, what a shame, Aimee.
Honestly? I can't imagine you not having a Christmas tree.
I know.
It's my roommates, though.
They're, um, Jehovah's witnesses.
They're really nice but a little clique-y.
Anyway, I i sure will miss the smell of pine.
- I have the smell of pine.
- What's that? Uh, I was I was just saying that I have a great, big, giant tree That smells like pine.
Oh.
(Clears throat) That I cut down myself.
Wow.
That wasn't sarcastic.
Sarcastic? Oh, gosh, no.
You you didn't mean "gosh, no" ironically? No! Gosh.
I'm just checking.
So what do you say, you wanna You wanna swing by my house, help me trim the tree? There's a An open house kind of thing.
Lot of people, no pressure.
Just a cool hang kinda sitch.
When you put it like that, it sounds like a blast.
And that was sincere.
Sincerely, I would love to come.
Great.
- What time should we be there? - What? I'll bring my Pa Jun.
(Chuckles) Frankincense, myrrh, soap-on-a-rope? None of these gifts were gonna cut it.
This year, the only thing I could give George was the one thing I had taken away Zoe.
It wasn't you.
It was me.
I got blindsided, like Sandra Bullock in that movie, "The Proposal.
" I don't know if I can put myself out there again.
Oh, come on.
You look like the kind of woman who puts herself out there a lot.
I do, yeah.
(Giggles) I have a big heart.
And this time, I promise I won't be an obstacle to love.
Please come to the tree-trimming? Oh, mother Mary, kid.
I don't know.
George misses you.
He's not himself.
(Scoffs) I've never seen him like this.
Yeah? Well the sex was rockin', and I do get super horny around Christmas.
(Laughs) Okay! I'm in.
You are gonna be the best gift I ever got him.
So what's the best way to get there? Should I mapquest it? Or Google maps? She would figure it out.
Honey, terrific news.
Looks like all those leg presses are finally starting to pay off.
Well, how could they not? I'll bet you my thighs minimum Minimum, are an inch bigger than last Christmas.
- No way I'm taking that bet.
- That's a smart lady.
(Laughs) George.
Ahh.
Hey.
Oh! George! I was just thinking about you.
Steven let me in.
I don't think he likes me.
Oh! Don't be silly.
(Chuckles) Well, I wanted to invite you to a tree-trimming tonight.
I know it's last minute, but maybe Oh, I would absolutely love to be there.
Absolutely.
It's only Shoot.
I'm headed off to go skiing in Aspen.
Oh.
It's a Royce family tradition.
Steven loves the way he looks in his ski pants.
That's too bad.
You'll be missed.
Anyway, I guess I'll see you when you get back.
Until then, here you go.
(Chuckles) For me? From you? Just a little something for under your tree.
I hope you like it.
Oh, George.
I'm gonna love.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and I had (Singsongy) Nailed it.
(Normal voice) I had gotten dad a present too big to fit under the tree.
In a matter of minutes, Zoe was gonna walk across our threshold to see (Speaking indistinctly) George all over Ms.
Ainsley, the art teacher?! Terrifying.
(Doorbell rings) You can't take my coat 'cause I'm not wearing one.
Mother told me to, but I refused, since you live right across the street.
It's cold.
I ran partway.
(Lowered voice) Zoe's gonna be here any second, and George is all over Ms.
Ainsley.
Ms.
Ainsley? Why? He's rebounding hard.
I've been there, sister.
Okay, so here's the plan.
I need you to wait outside for Zoe and delight her while I get rid of Ms.
Ainsley.
- That's the plan? - Yeah.
Let's try it.
I don't have a coat.
(Indistinct conversations) Oh, hi.
Have you tried the pa jun? I don't know who made it, but someone knows their way around a Korean pancake.
George! I wouldn't interrupt unless this was super important, but we are out of eggnog.
What? I (Sighs) I just made a batch ten minutes ago.
I don't know the specifics.
I just know people are in need of nog.
I'll be right back.
You know, your dad is the nicest parent at school.
(Whispers) And the cutest.
Really? Uh 'Cause at home, he's a bit of a slob.
You should see his bathroom.
Some mornings, it's like Crime scene.
Whoa! That snow is really coming down.
If I were you, I would leave right now, or else You might get stranded in a snowbank And die.
Hey, hey! Hey, buddy.
Any hits on the mistletoe? Huh? (Laughs) - Great bash, Georgie.
- Yeah, yeah.
Didn't realize you knew so many asians.
Ni hao! (Laughs) It's like "the joy luck club" in here.
Yeah, I had a hard time scaring up guests.
Most of them are from this Dim Sum restaurant I designed a patio for.
Do yourself a favor, though.
Try the juicy buns.
(Mouth full) Mmm! Hell, yeah! Right? Out of this world, Mrs.
yee.
(Chuckles) Oh, hey! How's it going with the art teacher? Oh, really great.
She's so uncomplicated, you know? In a good way.
I think I finally broke the crazy woman curse.
I'm sick.
What? Did you have any of these? I think you should send everyone home or at least anyone that looks like they have a weak immune system.
Like Aimee? Okay, what's going on, Tess? Is that what this is about? Aimee? I can't talk.
I have to puke.
(Steven) I can't believe all the flights are grounded.
(Yakult yaps) (Dalia) I'll be in my room.
My room, so don't follow me, Yakult! (Growls) (Dallas) Maybe it's a sign.
I'm gonna go call a travel agent.
(Barking) God, mom, call Yakult! Oh, my gosh, George.
You remembered.
(Knock on window) (Lowered voice) She's here.
Zoe's here! (Indistinct conversations, laughter) Hey, hey.
You have been acting weird all night and and borderline rude to Aimee.
So what's going on? I heard she doesn't support our troops.
I've been trying to get rid of her.
What? Because you don't like Aimee? I like her fine, I guess.
It's you who doesn't like her.
What are you talking about? (Sighs) You were crushed about your breakup with Zoe.
Aimee's a rebound.
It's understandable.
Okay, listen to me carefully.
I do like Aimee.
The whole reason I'm having this party is so I can spend time with her.
But you like Zoe.
You only broke up with her because of me.
That that's not entirely true.
But you couldn't eat tuna.
You really gotta be in the mood for tuna.
George help me understand what I'm hearing.
The truth is, I broke up with Zoe not because of you but because she's really, really annoying and volatile and negative.
And a little bit of a slutty lush.
(Doorbell rings) Well, I hope you're in the mood for tuna.
(Clears throat) He Merry Christmas, George.
Oh, uh (Tessa) I hope George made his bed, because it looked like he was gonna have to lay in it With her.
Mm.
Or her.
(George) Uh Or who knows? Her.
Uh I'm so embarrassed.
I thought you invited me because you liked me.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
Please.
I-I do like you.
I thought you like liked me in a different way than you like the Chinese family that makes Dim Sum.
I like you in a much different way than I like the Dim Sum family The Yees.
Then why were you kissing that loud woman? Oh.
Well okay, I know it's poor form to blame your daughter for things, but this time, it really is Tessa's fault.
So will you please come back inside? I drive, like, once a decade, and last time with a moped (Singsongy) In Jamaica.
(Normal voice) Sandals.
Half sloshed on piña coladas.
So, I mean, you can imagine how freakin' terrified I was, driving to the middle of nowhere face it You know, at night.
My hand to God, I thought I was dead, like, 10 no, 12 12 times.
But I did it all for George.
I did it all for love.
(Women) Aw! (Chuckles) Damn right, "aw.
" Now someone, anyone, point me to the drinks.
Two chicks? You must have been very good this year, or very bad.
Either way two chicks! I have no idea of what to do here.
If I tell Zoe the truth, she's going to make a scene, and and sweet, uncomplicated Aimee is going to bolt from that coatroom like a frightened rabbit.
George, I'm a dentist.
I'm trained to give people bad news.
It's what I do all day, every day.
I'll talk to Zoe for you.
The secret is in the soothing dentist voice.
I'm gonna need one thing from you, though Soft rock.
I can do that.
(Indistinct conversations) You son of a bitch! What doing with my juicy bun? They looked a little dried out.
I didn't wanna embarrass you.
(Speaking Chinese dialect) (Sighs) (Continues shouting in Chinese dialect) Lisa? Have you been out here this whole time? It's freezing.
Was out there waiting for you, and then your dad and Ms.
Ainsley came out.
The way the "like-likes" were flying around, I think she could be your new mom.
- My new mom? - Yeah.
Your brain must have frozen.
I'm gonna make you some hot tea, and you'll feel better.
Tessa, I had some time to think while I was out there, and it occurred to me that there's a reason why you feel so guilty about coming between your dad and Zoe.
Do do you wanna know what the reason is? Lemon zinger sound good? It's because you knew in your heart it's quite possible that you've come between him and a hundred other zoes.
Not true.
George has dated, and I have known George has dated, I just haven't necessarily seen it before.
Oh.
Tessa, your dad's hot.
He deserves some action.
I'm gonna think over everything you just said but the last part.
(Soft jazz music playing) I'm not going to lie.
There's going to be some discomfort, even pain.
But then you'll never have to worry about it again, hmm? Or you could ignore it, pretend like everything's good and healthy.
But then you run the risk of things decaying further.
Um Where's George? Don't worry.
Hey.
We'll bring that smile back.
Donk! Okay.
(Chuckles) Oh, Tessa.
Can you help me find my capelet? Okay.
But I just wanted to say I think I overstated the mess that George leaves in his bathroom.
It's good to know.
I'm serious.
He's he's practically tidy.
Never leaves the seat up, goes the extra mile and rinses down his toothpaste clumps in the sink.
I swear.
Look, I know the situation's really complicated Tessa Just give it another minute, Ms.
Ainsley.
I will get you a glass of milk while you wait.
(Engine idling) Thanks, Noah.
You have a real gift.
Thanks for recognizing it.
(Chuckles) I can't believe I thought I was in love with George.
I mean, you get past the good looks, and he's got nothing.
Yeah.
He is so not my type.
(Giggles) I'm married.
Married? You creep! Whenever I start to feel something! Whenever I start to feel (Doorbell rings) Dallas! Hey.
I thought you weren't going to be able to make it.
Fate had other plans, plus they couldn't de-ice the plane.
George, thank you for the mittens.
I can't believe you remembered.
Rem-remembered? That story about how my mother used to make me wear bright red mittens every year so they wouldn't get lost in the snow.
Oh.
The fact that you remembered really touched me.
Oh.
It almost made me cry.
Thanks, George! See you new year's! Bye-bye.
Merry Christmas, guys.
Thanks for coming.
(Woman) Merry Christmas.
Right.
So the red mittens were kind of a stock present this year.
Oh, gosh.
I'm embarrassed.
What? No.
Don't be.
You know what? I think, subconsciously, I remembered you telling me that story that Oh.
Dallas, are we, uh Uh, are we (Sighs) Lighten up, George.
It's Christmas.
(Door closes) Let me get this right.
You invite me over here to hang out in some lousy cloak closet while you make out with not one but two women! George had a gift, all right A gift for making even the sanest women turn crazy.
And good thing I wasn't thirsty, 'cause that milk never came! Aah! Ugh! (Both) Happy holidays.
(Men) Go, go go Santa, go, go go, Santa, go, go Damn, Mrs.
Yee.
You got it goin' on.
Mmm.
- Idiot! - Jeez! Zoe, please! Come on, listen to the sound Sound of my voice.
Stop throwing snowballs.
I was a sure thing! Oh! (Sighs) Hey.
I'm sorry I told you I broke up with Zoe because of you.
It was just i didn't want you to be mad at me anymore.
I mean, you're really good at the ice treatment.
Thanks.
And I guess I shouldn't have snuck on your computer.
You should probably password-protect.
Will do.
Well, I guess we both learned a valuable lesson.
I'm sorry you don't have a special someone to share the holidays with, George.
What? Are you kidding? Yeah, but I'm your kid.
Don't you get sick of it just being the two of us? Never.
That said If there were ever to be a third, I hope you'd be able to embrace that person with open arms.
I would.
And vice versa.
Let's face it, George.
I tried to help you, but with your track record, it's probably gonna be me before it's you.
(Men) Oh, my God, it's Christmas