Suburgatory (2011) s02e01 Episode Script


If somebody told me a few months ago, that I'd get to spend the summer in Manhattan, not Chatswin, I'd have said, "when hell freezes over".
Tickets please.
But that's exactly what happened.
So while everyone else was cultivating stage III skin cancer at the Chatswin Country Club Get my colita, Carmen.
I was making a reverse commute.
I had found an exit strategy George couldn't say no to.
I had found my grandmother, or, more accurately, she had found me.
And since mom had gone A.
And was living in Europe somewhere, these pictures were the closest I was gonna get to a face-to-face.
I spent my summer living in a loophole.
But like all loopholes, eventually it had to close.
Sorry, guys.
The Loophole closes at 3:00 a.
Station stop is Chatswin.
Chatswin, bitches.
Dad! Dad! Hey! I know you.
Hi, dad.
Mm! Nice jacket.
It, uh, it used to be my mom's.
Oh? So what was the best part about staying with your grandmother? Mm, probably how early she goes to bed.
So how have things been here? Quiet.
Anything from the ex? Eden? No, not a word.
I think I knew it wasn't gonna work.
I think we both did.
I definitely did.
I meant her and I.
Well, then all three of us then.
We all knew.
Love may have eluded George, but elsewhere, it was blooming.
I'm tired of pretending, pretending that I can live without you.
I can't.
I want you back, woman, and I am not gonna rest until you say you're mine.
Say it! Say you're mine.
Can I get either of you a drink? What'll it be, Carmen? You want a horchata or margarita? Sangria? They also have a variety of Caucasian beverages.
Actually, sir, we just switched over to our winter drink menu.
If Carmen wants a horchata Diet soda, please.
No ice.
Make it dos.
Carmen you helped raise our first baby, and she went Ivy League.
I want a repeat performance.
I understand, - but Miss Dallas - Look, with Jill away on the book tour, all that baby has is me.
So if I screw up, that's on you.
I have to go.
Carmen, don't leave.
Carmen! Carmen! Carmen, I'll make it simple.
Come back to Casa de Werner, and I'll make it really, really worth your while.
Can you be more specific? A gold Corolla? Carmen, you don't even have a license! Well, what gold thing have you given me? Nothing.
Not one gold thing.
Carmen, that is unfactual! You know we can't live without you.
Then counter.
Counter? You know what? This is crummy.
We have been through a lot together, and now you're leveraging me? Who's leveraging you, mommy? Dalia, honey, Carmen's thinking of leaving.
- Bye, Carmen.
- Not just leaving for now.
Leaving for good.
- Bye for good, Carmen.
- Dalia, you're not thinking! Who will put you to sleep at night? Who will make you taquitos post-pilates? Stop shaking her! Who will tell me to stop shaking you when I shake you? 'Cause you know I'm inclined to shake you, girl.
I would just like to point out that by now, old George would be grilling you for details on your summer, but you'll notice new George he isn't going there.
- Cool.
- It's not that new George isn't curious he is but he knows you're practically an adult, and you want people to respect your privacy.
He gets it.
I mean, new George sounds great.
So you know where to find new George if you need him.
He'll be hanging out, doing your laundry.
The jacket wasn't the only thing I stumbled on during my summer in Manhattan.
I also found an old cassette tape and a newfound interest in my mom.
against a woolen sweater Early McLachlan? Lisa! I hide in your room sometimes when you're not home.
Who's the crooner? Apparently my mom.
I found a box of her stuff at my grandma's place.
She's good.
Right? I'm not a record producer, Tessa.
I've never claimed to be.
I mean, could she play an intimate venue? Maybe.
But if you're asking me if she could sell out an arena? - I'm not.
- Good.
'Cause I'm not comfortable speculating.
I wonder if she knew she wanted to be a singer when she was my age.
She did.
I wonder if I'm like her.
I mean, it'd be cool if I was like her in some way, wouldn't it? Cool? Tessa, I'm not Carson Daly, but if you can sing like her, you could definitely hold your own in the Fall Follies.
Fall Follies? What is it? Some stupid talent show? Yes.
You see, child, every year when the pool closes for the season, the umbrellas come down, the awnings go up, then and only then is the sign-up for the Fall Follies posted.
People around here take the Follies pretty seriously, Tessa.
My family participates every year, and every year, my brother Ryan gets the solo.
But this year, there's gonna be an upset.
Lisa, is this from you? Because that's a cornish game hen.
Sit down, mother.
You're acting very peculiar.
This reminds me of the time you chewed that entire package of aspergum.
Did you chew something I know, mother.
I'm quite sure that I don't know what you are talking about.
I know.
Now you listen to me.
It was 1991.
"Jungle Fever" had just come out I was talking about Ryan.
I know he's adopted.
Fred, get in here.
What's going on? Why is everyone seated? Oh, is it dinner? She knows, Fred.
Lisa knows.
Look, it started out mostly as bachelorette parties.
I was trying to earn money for college.
She knows about Ryan.
Uh Okay, now, Lisa, you have to understand.
Back then, we thought your mother was barren.
Turned out I was just frigid.
She couldn't feel joy inside.
Until the day we adopted Ryan.
He was just a few hours old, but already, he had the most adorable little six-pack.
We couldn't figure out why our baby was so ripped until we met his birth mother.
This is pre-pregnancy, I assume.
Oh, no.
She's full-term.
That woman put us through hell.
She changed her mind, then unchanged it, then rechanged it, then changed it back again.
When we got pregnant with the backup baby, we were relieved, but part of us knew that she'd come back for him.
So we moved to Chatswin and altered the spelling of our last name, and we haven't heard from her since.
I see.
Well, that all sounds very tidy.
And if you want it to stay tidy, things are gonna change.
- Hey, George.
- In the kitchen! - Hey.
- Hey, buddy.
You've gotta be kidding me.
It's an iced coffee.
Don't judge me.
What is your father doing to you? Huh? We're on our own here, George.
Opus and me we're flying solo.
That's why I need you to talk to your girl.
I got a cease and desist letter this morning from her lawyer.
- Have you been trying to poach Carmen from Dallas? - No.
I'm trying to recruit Carmen for Opus.
There's a big difference.
So you're saying she was looking for a job on her own? Are you calling me out in front of my baby? Who calls a man out in front of his baby? Hey.
And still with the, uh, jacket, huh? You sure you don't want me to get that dry-cleaned for you? Whew! Tessa.
- Oh, it's him.
My brood has poo'd.
- Oh! Ugh.
- Dad? - Yeah? Can I borrow your guitar? Aha! Has someone been lured to the Isle of Harmonia? Does thou need a trusty steed to transport ye to the knoll of rock 'n' rollia? Never mind.
It's yours.
I'll stop talking like that.
So about the guitar Yeah? I'm thinking of signing up for the Fall Follies thingy - Yeah? - You know, since music runs in my blood.
Yes! You're darned right it does.
In fact, when when I get a paper cut, it sounds a little something like Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa, oh, whoa, oh I decided to let George enjoy his solo.
I didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't his blood I was referring to.
Right there.
See that, Fred? See see how your hand is open? You're losing the paw.
This is the jazz hands section.
It's the jazz paws section.
Stop talking.
Here comes the best part.
Get my dinner from a garbage can - Fantastic.
- Thanks, dad.
You're so good.
I love that.
Okay, that's enough.
Let's rehearse.
Lots of energy from the top, guys.
This is our last dress before the tech, so don't hold back, gang.
Mom, I'm thinking I'm-a doing it a little higher this year.
You didn't tell him? Dinner from a garbage can Tell him.
Tell me what? Tell him, or I will tell him everything.
Ryan, your father and I have decided to give Lisa the solo this year.
What? Why? Get out of the can, son.
- No.
- It's Lisa's turn.
She's gonna sing the line this year.
- Mm.
- Yes.
- Everybody loves when I do it.
- Get out of the can.
This is the part that they love best.
Yes, but now it's Lisa's turn to be loved best.
- Get out of the can.
Let's get out of the can.
- No.
He's in character, Fred.
He's in character! - Get the mister.
Get up.
Get out of the can.
- Aah! - Shake him out.
Shake him out.
Get out of the can, Ryan! - You get out of the can now.
Get out! Shoo.
Are you happy now, Lisa? Are you happy?! Why, yes, mother.
Yes, I am.
There are just a few small scratches on the body One right there, and then a tiny crack on the one, two, three fourth fret.
Other than that, she is in mint condish.
I'll just initial it for you.
Looks good on you.
That's not supposed to be "Peace Train," is it? - No.
- 'Cause you really gotta open it up - if you're doing "Peace Train.
" - I'm not doing "Peace Train," George.
Oh, okay.
I'm actually trying to learn a song that my mom wrote.
Uh, f first the jacket? Now the music? I didn't I didn't know you were You were interested in that kinda thing.
Well, I I wasn't before.
But now I am.
Is that cool? Cool? Yeah, of course it's cool.
Why wouldn't it be cool? Yeah.
- Lisa is out of control.
- I know.
Do you know she deleted all my "Californications" from the DVR? Who deleted those filthy recordings doesn't matter.
What matters is Lisa has to be stopped.
I knew we shouldn't have kept all the family secrets in the potting shed.
It's too accessible.
Lisa knows that the thought of losing Ryan terrifies us more than anything.
So all we have to figure out is what terrifies her more than anything.
I think we both know the answer to that.
I'll get it! Don't you dare move, Carmen! I got it! Psst! Dalia, this is for Carmen.
Quick! Help me burn it before she sees.
Dalia Oprah, we are in clear and present danger of losing Carmen.
Uncle Noah keeps sending her all kinds of gift baskets, trying to steal her away.
This week alone, I have burned three dozen roses, cruise tickets, and a plush white Teddy Bear, and now I have to burn these lemon bars.
It's no use.
They won't take.
They're just caramelizing, getting more delicious.
Look at that.
It's downright brulée'd.
Oh, no! Dalia, they're scrumptious.
Are those my lemon bars? That's it.
I've had enough! Wait, Carmen! Don't leave! I know what you did to that Teddy Bear.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Look at the soot, Carmen! You gotta clean up the soot! Look at all this Teddy bear soot.
You don't want me tracking Teddy Bear soot all through the house, do you? Mommy, I got this.
Carmen I just want to let you know that even if you decide not to be a housekeeper anymore, I'll always think of you as a housekeeper.
Even if you, like, cure cancer, to me, you'll always be a housekeeper.
And I want you to know that.
I'm not sure that worked.
Here you go, sir.
Have you ever employed someone who meant the world to you? No.
I lost my nanny today, and the worst part is what I just said two seconds ago.
No offense, Dalia, but why does someone your age need a nanny anyway? When your day is dark, a nanny can make it light by turning on a light.
And if you're hungry, but you're not in a restaurant, a nanny can call a restaurant and order in.
And if you're on the beach and you only see one set of footprints, it's because your nanny's carrying you.
And you know how you suck at guitar? A nanny would pretend like you don't suck at guitar.
But I'm not your nanny.
Well, thanks for not sugarcoating it.
You suck at guitar.
I I got it.
Heard and understood.
Good luck at the talent show.
I didn't need Dalia to tell me that the only thing I had a talent for was kidding myself.
Kidding myself into thinking I had a connection with someone I'd never even met.
- Lisa, set the table for dinner.
- I'm sorry.
Don't you mean Ryan should set the table for dinner? No, I mean you.
And get your feet down.
This isn't San Diego.
I don't like your tone, mother.
Oh, no? Then you're really not gonna like this.
Your father and I have decided to give the solo back to Ryan.
Really? Well I guess I'll just have to tell Ryan the truth.
You could, but there's a chance he'll leave to go find his birth mother, and that would leave just you and I.
Lots of quality time.
You would have my undivided attention.
Well played, mother.
Very well played.
George, open up! We know you're harboring Carmen! Oh! He reeks of ranchero! - She's not here.
- Oh, I see.
And I suppose that's someone else's gold Corolla with custom Carmen plates parked in your driveway.
George! Flour or corn? Corn! He's trying to steal Carmen.
I am not.
But frankly, I wouldn't blame Carmen if she didn't wanna work with either one of you.
You're both acting crazy.
And you know what? The two of you are so anxious to hire someone to take care of your kids, but this time is precious.
And sooner or later, they're gonna push you away.
And then you're gonna miss the times when they did.
Trust me.
I know.
Rock-paper-scissors for Carmen.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's it, buddy.
We got her! George had been in the dad game long enough to know that sometimes, just when you've convinced yourself that you're not needed, that might be when your kid needs you the most.
And now a dance from the "Medium" fan club of the TV show "Medium.
" Hey! Hey! You forgot the guitar.
I didn't forget the guitar, George.
It turns out I'm not like her, and I suck.
You know what? Sometimes you remind me so much of your mother.
It's the jacket.
No, it's not the jacket.
I used to have to give your mom a pep talk every time before she got up onstage.
She always thought she was gonna suck.
And sometimes she did.
But most of the time she was pretty damn good.
It was the first time i had ever heard George talk like that about my mom, and the old George would have felt too threatened to draw a comparison between us, but the new George must have known it was gonna make me feel better because it did.
Wow! Oh, wow.
I honestly still can't believe that show got canceled.
Up next is Tessa Alt oh, she's not back here.
Tessa? Tessa Altman? Are you in, or are you out? I'm in.
It's not too late to do "Peace Train.
" Dad.
This is a song that my mom wrote, and my dad's the one who taught me how to play guitar one million years ago, so if I suck, it's their fault.
Against a woolen sweater that was blue that's all that I remember of you ? before you learned to walk, I learned to run guess the ants really go marching one by one when a train rolls in the doors open, I get in last night, I had a pleasant nightmare na-na-na-na There are lots of things besides D.
That connect people, and as the shays watched their potting shed and all its secrets burn to the ground, they reminded themselves, sometimes the things we hold on to na-na-na-na Aren't nearly as important as the things we let go of.